Relationship crisis

Bambi985

OP, the consensus on this thread from random strangers who have heard about your situation is that you need to give this woman distance and officially break up with her so that she can process things and move forward.

She may move forward in your direction, she may come to the realisation that there is no future with you, it's 50/50 on both sides here. But you simply cannot continue as you are in this hellish purgatory of jumping to her every whim whilst she's stuck in an emotional rut of ruminating over the betrayal and torturing the both of you.

You know this can't continue indefinitely, don't you? You'll have a nervous breakdown at this rate. Listen, I went through a break-up last year where I stayed in contact with my ex until January, and it's only in the last two months that I've begun to process things and started to reclaim my life - almost six months post-breakup. I could be way way further down the road of recovery and happiness had we cut the chord when the breakup first happened - but instead I stayed in limbo and ultimately made things a lot harder on myself by staying emotionally attached to a relationship that was dead in the water.

Watch out for that co-dependency because it will fcuk your life over in the sneakiest way and you'll be a year down the line and in the worst place imaginable, clinging to a woman who is no longer emotionally available to you and actively regressing in life. The kindest thing you can do right now FOR THE BOTH OF YOU is to tell your ex that you're going to give her space, let this be the break up it obviously is, and stay away from her. Give her space to come to her own conclusions and don't ask 'how high' when she says 'jump'. Block her and stop replying and trying to prove something to her. Let her figure this out for herself.

Colser

Rockie1845 wrote: »

I messaged her once on Facebook she didn’t reply, I messaged her out of guilt/fear! I panicked to be honest.

There is a chance we would be working together or on the same project in time so I just wanted to clear the air, stupid I know .

If your girlfriend spun you the same story would you believe her and would you stay together?This is how it sounds to me...

You went on the night out and fancied the other girl even before you got very drunk...you could have stayed with any of your original friends from work that night or shared a cab with them and actually had planned on doing that before going out...you didn't because you were hitting it off with the girl all night and guessed where it was leading..you walked home with her and got into her bed with one intention and it happened.

That's how I would see it if I was your girlfriend because it's way more believable than the scenario of you walking home with some girl who's name you didn't know and stayed in her bed because it was cold outside and then slept with her.

For girls what is actually worse than being cheated on is the ridiculous lies that follow when you actually discover the truth.
Sorry if I'm wrong but that's how I would look at it if I were your girlfriend.

Big Bag of Chips

To be honest "I hope things won't be awkward" is the most wrong thing you could say! You cheated on your girlfriend of 5 years with her. Awkward is EXACTLY what it should be if you ever meet her again. And if you are serious about salvaging the relationship with your gf then you should be making 100% certain that your paths never cross again.

Think about what actually, really happened that night, and subsequently. Now, think that it was your gf who did it and think about how that would make you feel. And think about how you would feel now, living apart from her, not fully believing her version of events and not knowing what you should be doing.

I'd say she'd be dumped fairly immediately.

She's trying. She's trying to forgive and forget, but you're really not helping matters. I'm not sure how likely this relationship is to make it. But try being honest.

Rockie1845

Again thanks for your opinions as I did ask for them but I know that parts of my story are laughable but why would I be lying about getting on with the girl all night to ye here on boards, I had not talked to the girl that night that is fact so unless I start lying to make a more believable story what can I do.

Yes I could have been more honest with my gf and said that when she came onto me in bed and made an offer of sex that I didn’t back down I didn’t think twice I thought entirely with my dick and had sex with her.

I don’t know how many of you have actually been through this but sitting face to face with someone you love and admitting you betrayed them is extremely difficult to sit there and see your gf crumble in front of you is tough so it’s not as simple as landing all the exact facts out on the table and admitting to being a man that gave into an opportunity of sex for his own pleasure in a completely selfish way.

I don’t know what the breakdown of male and female people commenting is nor do I know the breakdown of people who have been cheated on or have cheated but from talking to a large number of people I am not the first man to do this (not a justification) there is a lot of people who have wronged partners due to sexual desires and I just find it hard to believe that I have asked for advice from such a sexually moral group of people who have made no mistakes yet are very quick to condem me and assume that just because I ****ed up once in a situation fueled by drink and a woman throwing her self at me that I somehow don’t love my girlfriend or that I should be dealing with my breakup with the knowledge of someone who has dealt with it before.

Big Bag of Chips

You see, this is what you said first. To strangers who actually don't care and have no emotional investment in your relationship.

Rockie1845 wrote: »

Somehow and I’m being honest when I say I don’t know how, we ended up having horrible pointless sex during the night again I only have vague flash backs with no recolection of a start or finish

Your latest, after a bit of probing, again by people who don't know you or have any attachment to you is

Rockie1845 wrote: »

Yes I could have been more honest with my gf and said that when she came onto me in bed and made an offer of sex that I didn’t back down I didn’t think twice I thought entirely with my dick and had sex with her.

If strangers who know nothing about you could see you weren't being entirely honest, your gf who knows you intimately knew that not only did you cheat on her you then continued to try make a fool out of her by spinning her an unbelievable story and expecting her to believe it.

You came asking for advice, and you're right, you don't know the demographic of who us replying to you, but I assume you are looking for a way to get this "perfect woman" back. If you didn't want her back you wouldn't have bothered asking for advice. The advice is, either let it go, or be 100% honest. You think you are protecting her by not being fully truthful that you were drunk and horny and thought you'd get away with it. But by drip feeding her half truths, and some outright lies all you are doing in continuing to display to her that you Think she's a fool. You're lying to her. She knows it. And you know she knows it, yet you're persisting.

Yes, loads of people cheat. Many I imagine get away with it. Many get caught, and those who get caught usually follow the same script. Deny it until you can't possibly deny it anymore, and then blame someone/something else!

Try being honest with her, it will either help or end your relationship, but the alternative is to continue in this limbo.

Colser

It seemed like you were saying that you were so drunk that you don't remember what really happened but now you're saying that she came onto you so you do remember,they're the little details that wreck your head when you've been cheated on imo.

It's not that people aren't helping you but just trying to show you that if things don't add up it's as hurtful as the actual cheating itself.

Amprodude

I don't accept the fact that you were drunk and randomly walked back to house with a strange girl and before you know it you are in her bed and having sex. If you loved you girlfriend like you said you did, you wouldn't have broken her heart like that. It's such a mean and horrible thing to cheat on your girlfriend like that. Unfortunately you have to deal with the consequences and she would be right never to trust you or have a relationship with you again. Once a cheat always a cheat. The best thing you can do is move on, always remember it's never worth ruining what you have with your loved one to another woman, who wants a one night stand and will kick you out of the bed the next morning. Accept it that you knew what you were doing and you got caught in the act and now you have a range of problems to deal with. Thats my opinion on it.

Bambi985

Rockie1845 wrote: »

I don’t know how many of you have actually been through this but sitting face to face with someone you love and admitting you betrayed them is extremely difficult to sit there and see your gf crumble in front of you is tough so it’s not as simple as landing all the exact facts out on the table and admitting to being a man that gave into an opportunity of sex for his own pleasure in a completely selfish way.

This is the one person in the world to whom you owe this kind of honesty. If you really love her as much as you claim. Honesty is the only thing that can save your relationship and see you through this situation, so it being "hard" is absolutely not an acceptable reason to withhold it - that's just you being selfish again.

Yes of course it's hard. Maybe think about how hard it is to see this person you love fall apart the next time you've had a few drinks and a random woman "throws herself at you". it's not her fault either by the way. She was just a random woman on a night out who ended up hooking up with and bringing home a random guy. This is par for the course behaviour for single people.

Rockie1845 wrote: »

I don’t know what the breakdown of male and female people commenting is nor do I know the breakdown of people who have been cheated on or have cheated but from talking to a large number of people I am not the first man to do this (not a justification) there is a lot of people who have wronged partners due to sexual desires and I just find it hard to believe that I have asked for advice from such a sexually moral group of people who have made no mistakes yet are very quick to condem me and assume that just because I ****ed up once in a situation fueled by drink and a woman throwing her self at me that I somehow don’t love my girlfriend or that I should be dealing with my breakup with the knowledge of someone who has dealt with it before.

Yes cheating is common, there's a lot of morally bankrupt people out there. There's also a lot of ****ty dysfunctional relationships out there and people break up over these issues every day of the week. Do you want to be lumped in with this category of people? Is watching your girlfriend crumble and have her life and self-confidence destroyed suddenly acceptable just because of the hoards of other people out there that have no issue cheating on their partners? Doesn't she deserve a better standard than that sort of scumbag behaviour?

Batgurl

Also OP, it’s very possible she will hit an angry/vindictive stage of her grief and will go out and do the same or similar to you.

Are you willing to accept that?

leggo

leggo wrote: »

OP how can she get over it when you’re not dealing with it yourself?

I don’t know you more than a few words off a page and I can tell the “I must’ve gone into this girl’s home because I was cold” line is waffle you’re telling yourself. You don’t seem naive. You know what happens when people go back to other people’s home after a few drinks. You know what happens when you go into someone else’s bed. If you knew this sober, you knew it drunk. The alcohol didn’t make you forget. So, on some level, in that moment you wanted it to happen and contributed towards it. It wasn’t all a massive accident.

Yet you’re still telling your girlfriend, strangers on a forum, where you can speak freely because you’re anonymous, and yourself this...and you wonder why your girlfriend can’t get over it? You’re still lying to her on some level. She doesn’t know you and can’t while you’re still sticking to this line of absolute waffle. How can you repair the trust you broke while you’re still standing by a really untrustworthy story?

Come to terms with what you did and why you did it. Take responsibility for it. Own it and be honest, no matter how brutal it is, because otherwise you’ll never have any chance at winning her trust back. Then deal with the consequences. You might get her back, you might not, but at least you won’t be in limbo anymore and can move past this.

OP I wrote this. I’m a male, 30, I cheated in my first relationship, confessed, watched the ex crumble, all the things you said. I stand by all of this.

HotelBewilder

Hi OP,

I have come to offer some solidarity.

My situation is quite similar to yours at the moment. The only difference is that my first drink lead me to drugs, which then lead to trust issues and extremely hurtful behavior that caused me to lose a relationship I valued very deeply, and still do. She is a magnificent woman.

It's been 2 months and like you, I have quit drinking, started working on myself, tried my best to bargain and work through the relationship issues but to no avail. The hurt caused is too much and I think the only thing we can do at this stage is offer time and space. I came to the conclusion that the circles we were going around in was damaging to both of us and I think it's wise to make it final and get used to the idea of them never coming back. If they do reach out in the future, that's a bonus. It's not going to be possible to heal otherwise.

It hurts but it really doesn't have be so gloomy as this pain can be the catalyst for change and growth. The past is done and the only thing anyone can do is to make sure they are always doing the next right thing. Each day.

The truth is that you will be fine and she will be fine, regardless of what happens.

Take care of yourself, be brave and set her free. See how that works out.

M

Maryg3

OP I'm sorry to say this but put like nearly all of the stranger on here and possibly your girlfriend I don't believe that your story is 100% legit.

1) there are a lot of flaws/ faults that don't add up between the story you first told everyone and then the replies you gave after every comment, for instance you said you never met this woman in your life some random, then after a few comments you say you text her because you got her number off a work friend/colleague, then after a few more comments it turns out she works in the same place as you, and then you say you panicked incase you had any up coming prodject that involved her?? How can you possibly expect people to believe that you have no notion of this girl if you had a fear that she may be involved in any up coming projects with you at work??

2) sorry to say this but you don't just randomly jump into bed with some one because you were in a shirt and cold and it would look bad if her friends came back and saw some man on her couch!! So it's okay for some random man to be in her bed but not on her couch?? Okay!!

You need to realise that what you done to your girlfriend was very wrong and no matter how innocent or believable you want your story to seem to you and all these stranger on here, the harsh reality of it is, is that its not innocent and its also not that believable to both parties!! But then again only you know the truth about what really happend that night, and whether your ready to confront it full on with your former gf or not is up to you not any of us.

She probably will never get over this but at the end of the day that is her decision to decide not yours, so there is no point in doing laps around this girl, give her space, let her decide, respect her final decision and learn from this very damaging mistake you made!!!!!

Rockie1845

Maryg3 wrote: »

OP I'm sorry to say this but put like nearly all of the stranger on here and possibly your girlfriend I don't believe that your story is 100% legit.

1) there are a lot of flaws/ faults that don't add up between the story you first told everyone and then the replies you gave after every comment, for instance you said you never met this woman in your life some random, then after a few comments you say you text her because you got her number off a work friend/colleague, then after a few more comments it turns out she works in the same place as you, and then you say you panicked incase you had any up coming prodject that involved her?? How can you possibly expect people to believe that you have no notion of this girl if you had a fear that she may be involved in any up coming projects with you at work??

2) sorry to say this but you don't just randomly jump into bed with some one because you were in a shirt and cold and it would look bad if her friends came back and saw some man on her couch!! So it's okay for some random man to be in her bed but not on her couch?? Okay!!

You need to realise that what you done to your girlfriend was very wrong and no matter how innocent or believable you want your story to seem to you and all these stranger on here, the harsh reality of it is, is that its not innocent and its also not that believable to both parties!! But then again only you know the truth about what really happend that night, and whether your ready to confront it full on with your former gf or not is up to you not any of us.

She probably will never get over this but at the end of the day that is her decision to decide not yours, so there is no point in doing laps around this girl, give her space, let her decide, respect her final decision and learn from this very damaging mistake you made!!!!!

To answer your first question yes I am 100% correct and honest about that. I left my old job in late September, she joined the company in mid October. I have moved to a new role in another section of the same company where I am level with the girls line manager so there may be an instance where our paths cross in the future.

Just out of curiosity why is there a case for a girl to be too drunk to consent and then the in counter is classed as rape while not one person has even slightly agrees that alcohol caused my bad judgement and led to poor decision making.

Amprodude

Rockie1845 wrote: »

while not one person has even slightly agrees that alcohol caused my bad judgement and led to poor decision making.

Bull**** you knew what you were doing. You obviously didn't love your girlfriend enough that you cheated on her. Accept the fact you made this mistake and stop covering it up with your lame alcohol excuse.

December2012

Rockie1845 wrote: »

.

Just out of curiosity why is there a case for a girl to be too drunk to consent and then the in counter is classed as rape while not one person has even slightly agrees that alcohol caused my bad judgement and led to poor decision making.

I did raise this point. I will rephrase it. In my opinion consent should be fully given. If you did not consent and you feel you were raped please talk to the rape crisis centre.

For what it's worth I feel sorry for you too. I personally hope that a couple can overcome infidelity. But it requires willingness on all parts.

I know you're saying the relationship was good. But really how often did you see each other. What were you going to do if you got married. Who was going to move?

What does she want?

Colser

I completely agree with you that alcohol can cause you to make a bad judgement,most Christmas parties especially in big companies end up with a story like yours from what I've seen but that's no comfort to your girlfriend now unfortunately so it's irrelevant tbh.

She's got to decide now that even if she can get over what happened can she ever trust you again ,the problem is that even if she's willing to try your relationship has completely changed and even if she forgives she'll never forget,that's the fallout from cheating in my experience.

What would you do if the roles were reversed and she had ended up in bed with some other man after a night out?

SimpleDimples

It keeps coming back to inconsistencies even in this thread. One post says left job in early December, last says September.

It's strange because I believe you are sorry, I believe you want this girl back, I believe you are trying to prove that.

Yet I don't believe most of your story. Lies stand out as lies yet the truth is believable because it's true. Your girlfriend will be the exact same, in fact, better, because she knows you, she will spot a lie a mile off.

LegacyUser

I’m confused by your story OP. You left your role but not the company, is that right? So now you work with that girl’s manager?

I was in your girlfriend’s position. I was cheated on and drip fed lies and information. I found out in the most humiliating way, from someone else. Everyone in his team knew, I will never forget the humiliation. He had no respect for me at all and all of mine for him disappeared. He was and is a pathetic person.

We lived together and I was so confused and messed up that I stayed there. I got my act together and applied for a job closer to home. I got it and moved, he followed. We moved from one end of the country to the other. I left, I made that clear. We were done but he moved anyway, ‘to make it work’. He hung around me and actually never gave me the opportunity to clear my head and heal. By the time that I actually got rid of him out of my life, I felt nothing but contempt for him.

Be entirely honest with your ex. Write it all down if you have to. Then, leave her in peace to get her thoughts and feelings straight. Far from you doing all the right things now by her, you are doing all of the things that make you feel better.

FizzleSticks

This post has been deleted.

lifeandtimes

Rockie1845 wrote: »

Just out of curiosity why is there a case for a girl to be too drunk to consent and then the in counter is classed as rape while not one person has even slightly agrees that alcohol caused my bad judgement and led to poor decision making.

Think very carefully what you're saying here

Too drunk to consent means you can't give permission to have sex because you are too drunk.

In your story you 1.walked home with this girl, 2. She said you could sleep at hers,3.asked to sleep on the couch, 4. she suggested her bed and 5. in her bed you almost certainly took your clothes off,6. then proceeded to have sex.

In parts 1-6 You could have left and said no AT ANY POINT!

So no it wasn't rape or even too drunk to consent so please don't use such a context in your story as it's a slap in the face too all the people who have actually been raped

Big Bag of Chips

Rockie1845 wrote: »

Just out of curiosity why is there a case for a girl to be too drunk to consent and then the in counter is classed as rape while not one person has even slightly agrees that alcohol caused my bad judgement and led to poor decision making.

Are you saying you were raped? Poor decision making is different to being raped. You admitted

Rockie1845 wrote: »

when she came onto me in bed and made an offer of sex.... I didn’t back down I didn’t think twice I thought entirely with my dick and had sex with her.

So you gave consent to have sex with her. You made a bad judgement due to alcohol but you did make the conscious choice. And to be honest, I think the choice was a made long before you ended up in bed with her. How did you end up walking 2 miles home with a skin full with a girl you'd never spoken to? How long did it take you to walk 2 miles with a skinfull? Would the walk alone not have sobered you up a bit? Why not stop a taxi somewhere a long the way? Drop her home and go home to your own house? How far away from your house was hers? And was it exactly on your route or did you detour?

(Edit - I don't want answers to those questions by the way, but they would be just a fraction of the questions your gf wants answer to. It's irrelevant to me, not irrelevant to her)

Your story has shifted and changed with every telling. And as you have said you have no reason to lie to strangers on line. Yet here you are. So I can only imagine the lies you are telling the person that really matters to you. Like others I don't think you are a bad person. The reason you are telling your gf lies is to protect her more than you. But you have to realise that rather than protecting her your lies are just hurting her more and more. And the reason this is being dragged on by her is because she hasn't gotten answers to her questions. She knows you're not telling the truth. She keeps giving you the opportunity to tell the truth and you just keep telling her more lies. As things stand your relationship will NEVER get back on track. You're continuing to lie to your gf and you are continuing to work with the person you cheated with. In order to have any chance of winning her back you need to start telling the truth, and leave that company.

If you're not willing to do both of those, then you need to end it for once and for all with your gf and give her the chance to get over you and move on.

Rockie1845

December2012 wrote: »

I did raise this point. I will rephrase it. In my opinion consent should be fully given. If you did not consent and you feel you were raped please talk to the rape crisis centre.

For what it's worth I feel sorry for you too. I personally hope that a couple can overcome infidelity. But it requires willingness on all parts.

I know you're saying the relationship was good. But really how often did you see each other. What were you going to do if you got married. Who was going to move?

What does she want?

So she is just in her current job till August, both of us were moving home where I put a deposit on a house just before Christmas........I now don’t know what to do about work and house etc

Rockie1845

I can relate... wrote: »

I’m confused by your story OP. You left your role but not the company, is that right? So now you work with that girl’s manager?

I was in your girlfriend’s position. I was cheated on and drip fed lies and information. I found out in the most humiliating way, from someone else. Everyone in his team knew, I will never forget the humiliation. He had no respect for me at all and all of mine for him disappeared. He was and is a pathetic person.

We lived together and I was so confused and messed up that I stayed there. I got my act together and applied for a job closer to home. I got it and moved, he followed. We moved from one end of the country to the other. I left, I made that clear. We were done but he moved anyway, ‘to make it work’. He hung around me and actually never gave me the opportunity to clear my head and heal. By the time that I actually got rid of him out of my life, I felt nothing but contempt for him.

Be entirely honest with your ex. Write it all down if you have to. Then, leave her in peace to get her thoughts and feelings straight. Far from you doing all the right things now by her, you are doing all of the things that make you feel better.

Ya so technically I got a promotion to be alongside my old manager but at a different location and that girl pretty much took up my old role

Seth Brundle

Rockie1845 wrote: »

Ya so technically I got a promotion to be alongside my old manager but at a different location and that girl pretty much took up my old role

Am I right in thinking that technically she is a subordinate to you now then?

Rockie1845

kbannon wrote: »

Am I right in thinking that technically she is a subordinate to you now then?

No as I am on a different department now but there would be a chance of collaboration as the company likes to do that between departments.

I’m sorry that my story doesn’t seem tthat add up but if I wrote out all the ifs and buts of my extremely messy situation the initial post would have been massive

Big Bag of Chips

But it's not us you need to explain yourself to. We're just pointing out the questions you're gf will have, and will have asked you. And also the answers you have given that your gf won't believe. We can only go on what you've posted and I'm sure the bones of the story you've given here is the same bones of the story you've given to your gf. Problem is it didn't add up.

It's her you need to be clearer with, not us.

woodchuck

I hate to break it to you, but it sounds like you've already broken up, except that she doesn't have the strength to make a clean break.

Do yourself and her a favour and just end it properly now. This messiness has been going on for long enough! Neither of you will be able to move on otherwise.

Either call her or meet up with her if she's willing to do that. Tell her how sorry you are and TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR ACTIONS (I agree with everyone else that your story doesn't add up and you're just making excuses for your behaviour). Tell her that she deserves better (she does) and that the trust is obviously gone (it is). Let her go so that she can start the healing process.

Maryg3

Rockie1845 wrote: »

Ya so technically I got a promotion to be alongside my old manager but at a different location and that girl pretty much took up my old role

And you have never once enquired with other colleagues over who took up your old role? I mean if I was to get promoted at work I would be wondering at some point who actually stepped into my old position.

Look op the only reason people are being skeptical here with you is because your story does have a few black holes in it and I'm sure you realise that now!

There is a major difference in having sex out of bad judgement and being raped, please don't put these two in the same category, you either consented to it or not, one reply tells everyone you thought with your dick the other contradicts it and tells us that you didn't consent to it. I hardly think she jumped and landed on top of it some how, and I doubt you gf will either!!!

Leave your girl to it give her the space she needs at possibly the worst time in her life right now. Own your mistake and except what ever answer she will give you even if you don't like that answer!!

Whispered

If my husband cheated on me, on a one night thing, not a long drawn out affair, I could almost certainly forgive him. Only if he was fully honest and took full responsibility.

If he was drip feeding lies or inconsistencies I'd be gone. If he was looking for excuses such as weather, how drunk he was etc, I'd be gone. If he uttered the phrase "threw herself at me" I'd think him utterly pathetic and be gone. Finally, if he likened it to rape I would consider him beyond contempt.

So rather than the cheating, his behaviour afterwards is what would make or break our marriage.

A mistake doesn't define a man, how he handles that mistake does.

Rockie1845

Maryg3 wrote: »

And you have never once enquired with other colleagues over who took up your old role? I mean if I was to get promoted at work I would be wondering at some point who actually stepped into my old position.

Look op the only reason people are being skeptical here with you is because your story does have a few black holes in it and I'm sure you realise that now!

There is a major difference in having sex out of bad judgement and being raped, please don't put these two in the same category, you either consented to it or not, one reply tells everyone you thought with your dick the other contradicts it and tells us that you didn't consent to it. I hardly think she jumped and landed on top of it some how, and I doubt you gf will either!!!

Leave your girl to it give her the space she needs at possibly the worst time in her life right now. Own your mistake and except what ever answer she will give you even if you don't like that answer!!

I would like to clear up that I never was suggesting rape and i appologise if I was making little of it and offended anyone.

The point I was trying to get across was that my bad decision had a link with my drunkenness, the same way as people try drugs when drunk.

I am very very hurt at the statement that I didn’t love my girlfriend if I done what I did because I truely did and do!