Relationship crisis

Rockie1845 · 17-03-2018 2:52am #1

Hi all, bare with my long winded issue !

So I want to start with some background to allow ye to give me advice knowing the full story.

In my mid 20’s I have been in a relationship for over 5 years with the love of my life, perfect girl, beautiful, smart, caring, great craic, good job, similar interests, my family loved her.......like I could not hand pick a more perfect woman for me.

I had genuine ambition to propose to her in the not so distant future. And our relationship was fantastic despite it being long distance as we both work in different parts of Ireland but we spent an evening a week and every weekend together.

So now that I have despribed how perfect everything was, now let me describe how I ****ed everything up and why I need your help (not abuse as I am in a very bad place as it is) to try to fix the problem I have caused.

So went to a Christmas party had a great time, 4 pubs then housparty and I got excessively drunk, I genuinely can’t remember going to the house party with only vague memory of the party and no real memory of leaving it although I do remember bits walking home, I assume the cold shock hit me!

So here is the issue I ended up back in a girls house, a girl I don’t know, never spoke to her before that night and didn’t that night either, apart from the walk home as we were both going the same way. I don’t know why and can’t remember how but I ended up in her house, I assume I was freezing walking home and just went to stay there on couch or what ever.

I have a vague recolection of asking to stay on the couch but she wouldn’t let me as firstly there wasn’t one as it was an apartment type house and she didn’t want her friends thinking she had a random fella back with her.

There was nothing romantic happening at this stage between the two of us. We went to bed in her room (again all very vague but I did go to bed dressed and noting happened).

Somehow and I’m being honest when I say I don’t know how, we ended up having horrible pointless sex during the night again I only have vague flash backs with no recolection of a start or finish!

Long story short I got up the next day left was mortified etc, and then a few days later messaged the girl to say sorry for what happened and that I didn’t want it to be awkward if we were to cross paths in work in the future....... my girlfriend seen the message !!!!!!!!!

We have been “on a break” now since st.stephens day and it is hell!

when she confronted me I came clean admitted to all that happened, told her everything she wanted to know, explained how It wasn’t premeditated and assured her it was the first time anything like this ever happened etc

My GF is extremely cut up and still isn’t really talking to me despite admitting she still loves me but she resents that fact and is trying to push me away.

I have done all I can and all she asked me to do so for example:

I have not touched alcohol since December 26th, I have got tested for sti’s, I have been to counselling, I have had no contact with the girl, I have lost weight (an old ongoing request for health reasons not vanity reasons), I have reduced my stake in a business to commit to the relationship, read books on the effect of affairs, driven a four hour round trip at least once per week when she want to see me which has always ended in tears and me driving home the same night, wrote meaningful love poems to describe how I feel and what she means to me......like what more can I do to prove my commitment and remorse?

She just text this evening to say she feels she is only meeting me out of loneliness and she feels distant from me and doesn’t know if she can see me as she did before all this.

So after all that, thanks for reading as it’s a release but I do need help and advice as to how I can proactively improve the situation and give us the best chance of rebuilding the relationship as it is very much worth rebuilding,

Thanks, A

Batgurl · 17-03-2018 8:07am

You have to accept that this isn’t your decision to make, it’s hers. And while she may make up her mind tomorrow, she is just as likely to never make a fully committed decision and may string you along in this limbo like break for years.

For all the same reasons you don’t know why you did what you did, she doesn’t know why she should bother with you any more.

She’s hurt, she’s confused, she loves you, you broke her trust and you can never get that back in the same pure way it once was.

If I were you I’d be prepared to move on as this is not something you have control of. You can try to put her at ease but it’s failed. It’s quite possible also that’s what she wants you to do but just isn’t strong enough to do it. If you truly love her you’ll let her go.

BowSideChamp · 17-03-2018 8:16am

Break up with your GF and move on with your life.

Big Bag of Chips · 17-03-2018 9:36am

This is such a difficult thing to go through. And the truth is she honestly doesn't know when she will ever get over it, if ever. What you are both doing now isn't working. You are remaining in touch. You are going over the same ground with no progression. I think if you and she are both serious about seeing if there is a way forward for the relationship then you both need to commit to trying to make it work. You both need to commit to going to a relationship counsellor who can guide you through this time.

You cannot continue to apologise, I suppose, but this hasn't been properly dealt with by you both as a couple either. You hurt her at a very very basic level. You have shattered and destroyed everything she believed her relationship was. Christmas was only a few weeks ago really. It is going to take an awful lot longer to get over it and for that hurt to die.

But going around in circles isn't going to get you anywhere. You need to break out of that cycle and try find a way forward. There are no guarantees, but you have to give it a chance.

Bambi985 · 17-03-2018 9:40am

You shouldn’t have cheated, that’s inexcusable and has caused untold damage, but it’s three months later and jumping through all these hoops and getting nowhere is just a pointless exercise in eroding your own self-esteem and causing a depression that could potentially ruin your life for years to come.

There’s a point where you have to face facts and that time is now. Your ex simply will never get over the betrayal and the trust is totally gone, which means the relationship is inevitably going to end. You self-flagellating and dancing rings around her and jumping to her every whim is having a major impact on your self-image and self-confidence and so it’s time to set each other free and walk away. The relationship is toxic.

It’s hard, really really hard but it won’t kill you and you’ll learn many valuable lessons from it down the line.

Rockie1845 · 17-03-2018 10:14am

Thanks for replies.

The feedback has been pretty daming,

She does want to work things out but hasn’t got the skills/tools to deal with the heartbreak and trauma.

Is it really as bleak as the replies suggest or is it something that’s worth trying to repair and if so how do we go about it?

Is couples counseling better than going on out own

Another day · 17-03-2018 11:00am

Sounds like she also needs to go to counselling to work through her hurt. Maybe then couples counselling will follow or a complete breakup. As said you cannot continue to jump through hoops, it's not healthy for either of you.

Arrival · 17-03-2018 11:28am

You cheated on her, ruined the trust in the relationship. And worst of all, she had to find out herself and only then did you come clean. She's entitled to take as long as she needs to come to the decision she naturally feels is best for her. From what you describe, she's a lovely girl and deserves a relationship with someone who wouldn't cause such pain but, while you did the worst possible thing one could do in a relationship, you can't allow yourself to be strung along and stay waiting for her to decide whether or not she wants to try and continue the relationship.

This will take great strength, but write a message explaining how you're not on a break anymore, you're now broken up as you feel it's the best thing to do for her so that she can have time entirely to herself without needing to interact with you (which strangely could actually be slowing down the process of her forgiving you as she may look at you and see how apologetic you are, how sweet you're being only to basically snap out of it and remind herself of why she's mad at you all over again). Advise her to go for therapy/counselling and that you will be doing the same. Tell her you will not be in contact again until she comes to a decision because you feel it's not healthy for your mental well-being. And then go and stay no contact until she reaches out to you. During that time, work on yourself. Work towards accepting the ending of the relationship, that you will never hug or kiss her again, that she will find someone else and that you will too. Believe me this will be tough because you'll naturally keep reminding yourself of all the great things about her and that you won't find someone else like her again but that's just your emotions and memories being in a heightened state. This will take months, but keep reminding yourself why you're doing this, keep reminding yourself about what you did and that she deserves better. Accept that you had your chance and blew it.

The main reason I'm advising you to take this approach is because you may be doing more harm than good by clinging onto her and staying around. She has you on a hook right now and while she may not have conscious, malicious intentions with the powers this allows her you still need to free yourself from that. Absence makes the heart grow fonder is actually true in many cases and it could be in yours. So do as I say and who knows. Maybe down the line one day she will reach out to you, willing to give you another chance, one that you will not blow again unless you want this lovely girl to have permanent trust issues in her future relationship.

I say this because I went through an absolutely awful breakup myself in which I kept trying to apologise and explain things to the girl. We'd talk on and off for months, me always being this extremely apologetic mess because I wanted to try again. I will NEVER do this again if a relationship of mine ends. If someone decides to break up with you, you need to respect their decision, tell them "okay" and nothing more and then remove all contact with them. Distract yourself by any means necessary (and I don't mean riding new people. People always advise this but really, take at least six months to yourself without paying any attention to anyone else, get your goals and a plan in order for other important aspects of your life besides a relationship/sex. You WILL be lonely but trust me, riding some random girls you have no feelings or respect for will not help. You have family and friends who can help you during times of loneliness. Personally, I loved going on a trip by myself and staying in hostels where I was forced to interact with interesting people from all over the world. It was fantastic for getting my mind off things). You can hope that the absence makes them rethink their decision, time without you may make them realise all the things about you that made them stay with you and forgive the reasons they ended things with you, but what won't do that is regular contact where you go through the motions.

leggo · 17-03-2018 1:24pm

OP how can she get over it when you’re not dealing with it yourself?

I don’t know you more than a few words off a page and I can tell the “I must’ve gone into this girl’s home because I was cold” line is waffle you’re telling yourself. You don’t seem naive. You know what happens when people go back to other people’s home after a few drinks. You know what happens when you go into someone else’s bed. If you knew this sober, you knew it drunk. The alcohol didn’t make you forget. So, on some level, in that moment you wanted it to happen and contributed towards it. It wasn’t all a massive accident.

Yet you’re still telling your girlfriend, strangers on a forum, where you can speak freely because you’re anonymous, and yourself this...and you wonder why your girlfriend can’t get over it? You’re still lying to her on some level. She doesn’t know you and can’t while you’re still sticking to this line of absolute waffle. How can you repair the trust you broke while you’re still standing by a really untrustworthy story?

Come to terms with what you did and why you did it. Take responsibility for it. Own it and be honest, no matter how brutal it is, because otherwise you’ll never have any chance at winning her trust back. Then deal with the consequences. You might get her back, you might not, but at least you won’t be in limbo anymore and can move past this.

The White Feather · 17-03-2018 1:42pm

Some very bleak replies here.

What I would say to you is that you are doing everything right since it happened. You are doing all you can.

Unfortunately it's not up to you now. There has been a big breach of trust on your part so obviously so it will take time if things can get back on track. You are lucky she has not said its over and don't contact her again.

I would say just keep doing what you are doing. She is texting you and is still meeting with you so there is hope for you. Of course she doesn't know if she can see you as she did before. Things seemed to be going great and then she gets this out of the blue which means she is questioning everything. She is wondering are you really sorry and will you do it again.

All you can do is keep being there for her, visiting, texting and calling when the chances come up but obviously you have to give her space as well to try to get over this.I mean just keep doing what you are doing.I would advise against any ultimatums like I wont call until you are back with me or until you come to a decision. That sounds like you are bailing on her until she gets back with you.You are in no position to be telling her anything.

All you can do is what you are doing. Keep the lines of communication open and visit when you can. Doing those trips are good as it shows you are making an effort.

In the meantime, keep working on yourself which is what you have been doing it seems. The main thing is to not put yourself in any situations like that ever again.Giving up drink is a good idea if you think it makes you more prone to bad decisions. Don't ever go to house parties without your partner/gf as its a recipe for disaster.You have to ask yourself why you went. How did it happen? Do you really want to be with her or are you looking elsewhere? "Somehow it happened" is a very thin excuse.Are you sure it was just the drink? If you can work these out, then you will be able to tell her when it eventually comes up. Honesty is the best policy from here on out.

As its been a few months and situation hasn't changed, then maybe try couples counseling or something together. If you are going to her place to talk, go outside for a walk together or go out for a meal or cinema.Just suggest to her something small like that to do something like when you were a couple. This may "jumpstart" things back to somewhat like they were. She may realise though that she can't continue on with it or she may decide to save things. Going together to counseling might help this also and it may be all she is willing to do.

It really is up to her. My sense is she wants it to work as there is still contact.If you are in a pattern of going there and always ending in tears then try to change it. Stay in a hotel or BandB and ask to meet for lunch the next day or something.

It's a case of showing her you are trying to change things with actions rather than waiting for her to "give in"

Rasputin87 · 17-03-2018 2:14pm

OP, I don't want to sound too harsh, but I think a big problem here that you're not seeing is your inability to own your mistake. It's the very first thing I took from your post - I doubt I'm alone - and I'm sure your girlfriend recognizes it too.

I got excessively drunk, I genuinely can’t remember going to the house party with only vague memory of the party and no real memory of leaving it although I do remember bits walking home, I assume the cold shock hit me!

I have a vague recolection of asking to stay on the couch but she wouldn’t let me as firstly there wasn’t one as it was an apartment type house and she didn’t want her friends thinking she had a random fella back with her.

Somehow and I’m being honest when I say I don’t know how, we ended up having horrible pointless sex during the night again I only have vague flash backs with no recolection of a start or finish!

You've concocted a story where you were this completely innocent, unwilling participant in a night where alcohol, cold weather and some unnatural force conspired to trick you into having sex with a stranger. It's as if you tripped, and unwittingly fell into having sex with this woman!

Look at this from our (and your girlfriend's) point of view - what's more likely:

(a) You walked home with a complete stranger who you hadn't even spoken to - not even earlier in the night - and she kindly offered you a place to stay because of the cold weather. And not even on the couch, but in her bed because she doesn't want to come across as bringing a random guy home (umm, okay...). All completely innocent.

(b) You got really drunk, started chatting up and flirting with some girl all night, saw an opportunity to go home with her and get the ride and regretted it the next day.

IMO, it's not just the fact you cheated that's the problem here. The fact that your girlfriend had to find out for herself and the fact that you're still trying to weasel your way out of all responsibility for it are two big factors too.

It's easy for you to want to hit rewind and go back to the way things were - but again, look at it from her side. She'll never be able to relax when you're on a night out again. Any time you're late home, she'll wonder if you're cheating again. When you get texts late at night, she'll wonder who they're from. That trust is completely fractured and can't be repaired, and your relationship would never be the same again.

As for what can you do? Honestly, give her space, own your mistakes and let your ex make her own decision.

Big Bag of Chips · 17-03-2018 2:35pm

Also, apart from not admitting you were 100% at fault and trying to come up with every excuses imaginable, font under estimate the level of embarrassment your gf feels. You were out with friend. Presumably friends who know your gf. And you went home with someone else. Had sex with someone else. You made a fool of your gf. Don't disregard that. She feels like a fool. She still loves you, of course she does. You font just magically fall out of love that quickly. She desperately wants everything to be ok. But it's not. You made a fool of her, and your story is just continuing to make a fool of her.

You don't "accidentally" end up having sex with someone. You might know its wrong, but on some level you continued it because you wanted to. Because it was available and you were fairly certain you'd get away with it. It might sounds cruel, but it is the truth.

I hope you can sort it out. But you are going to have to be more honest than you have been. The truth will hurt her, but it will allow you both to move on from the stalemate you're in now.

Rockie1845 · 17-03-2018 4:37pm

Thanks for your replies despite how tough it is to read.

I suppose there is a part of me denying my willingness to cheat which was very much helped by my level of intoxication which caused me to make bad decisions, but again it’s no excuse.

What I mean here is that I like anyone had lots of opportunity to cheat before but always opted agains it and it was never something I planned on doing.

I am trying to deny it as I can’t beleive I have been such a dick to the woman I love and as cliche as it sound my former best friend.

I have really ruined the best thing in my life due to being a selfish idiot !

I am probably being greedy asking her to stay with me but it’s very hard to willingly walk away from such an amazing girl !

Arrival · 17-03-2018 5:50pm

Rockie1845 wrote: »

Thanks for your replies despite how tough it is to read.

I suppose there is a part of me denying my willingness to cheat which was very much helped by my level of intoxication which caused me to make bad decisions, but again it’s no excuse.

What I mean here is that I like anyone had lots of opportunity to cheat before but always opted agains it and it was never something I planned on doing.

I am trying to deny it as I can’t beleive I have been such a dick to the woman I love and as cliche as it sound my former best friend.

I have really ruined the best thing in my life due to being a selfish idiot !

I am probably being greedy asking her to stay with me but it’s very hard to willingly walk away from such an amazing girl !

Think of it like this: you're not willingly walking away from an amazing girl, you're allowing an amazing girl the space to make her choice because you already made yours.

Rockie1845 · 17-03-2018 6:04pm

Arrival wrote: »

Think of it like this: you're not willingly walking away from an amazing girl, you're allowing an amazing girl the space to make her choice because you already made yours.

Ouch

Big Bag of Chips · 17-03-2018 6:38pm

There's a line I heard before (in a comedy scenario but it seems relevant here) "How can I miss you, if you won't go away?"

You are both stuck in this limbo and while you're in it, you haven't the headspace to think. By keeping in contact, and by continuing to see each other its confusing things, and prolonging the confusion. Now don't get me wrong, my sympathies lie completely with your gf and under no circumstances should you be giving her a "make your decision by the weekend, or I'm gone" ultimatum. Nor should you be phrasing any break in contact as, "I'm not going to contact you until you've decided".

If you break contact temporarily then it should be for both of you, mainly her, to have the space to realise if she really wants to not be with you. To decide if being apart from you is the right decision for her. If she can see her life being on without you in it. Or if being away from you ales her realise that she can try to forgive and move forward together. But she cannot get her head around all that while she still sees you so regularly. Because she can't visualise what like without you at the end of the phone is really like.

Your situation is made all the more complicated by the fact that you're long distance. It must be very hard to build up trust when she is at home upset over what you've done, and you are away from her, potentially still seeing the other person.

5 years is a long time. What was the plan before this happened? Where either of you planning on moving closer to the other? It takes a LOT of work to rebuild broken trust. I just don't know if that can be done when you are still long distance. What also might happen is now that you've hurt her, she might start seeing friends/colleagues in a light that she never saw them in before because she was committed to you. If that bond has been weakened, others might start seeming attractive where she would never have thought that before.

I think you need to take a break (complete break) from each other for at least 1 month. In that month agree to go to counselling separately to figure out what's going on. Then after the month depending on your decisions you could go to counselling together. But I think if there's to be any hope then you're going to have to make plans to move closer. Although that in itself could put a bit of pressure on the relationship.

You need to talk to each other. And not the same conversation. Make a plan... And agree to stick to it.

Anyclue49 · 17-03-2018 6:51pm

OP, you need to finish with this girl and move on.
Coming from someone who was cheated on over and over she's either going to forgive you or she's not
You did a crappy thing and **** you for doing it. But you didn't murder anyone. Cheating is not a crime and 3 months on you shouldn't be blackmailed for this girl to forgive you. She's not going to forgive you because she would have by now. You could Cut your penis off and put it in a jar she will find something else to request. Cut ties and move on.

zoobizoo · 17-03-2018 8:50pm

Anyclue49 wrote: »

OP, you need to finish with this girl and move on.
Coming from someone who was cheated on over and over she's either going to forgive you or she's not
You did a crappy thing and **** you for doing it. But you didn't murder anyone. Cheating is not a crime and 3 months on you shouldn't be blackmailed for this girl to forgive you. She's not going to forgive you because she would have by now. You could Cut your penis off and put it in a jar she will find something else to request. Cut ties and move on.

Yep.

You were extremely drunk and you made a mistake.

You've tried to make amends.

Looks like nothing you do will work.

You didn't go out with the intention of cheating and you've tried to make up since.

you're in your mid twenties.

Break up with her and begin again having learned a valuable lesson.

strandroad · 17-03-2018 9:16pm

To be honest I think that breakup is on the cards. You're doing all the right things afterwards, but it's the way you cheated that is so unfortunate that I completely see how your gf can't get over it.

It's one thing to process some clear cut situation like "we went for a stag and I got a lap dance", and to assess the damage and the chance of it (not) repeating itself. It's another thing completely to be asked to believe that you fell into a stranger's bed and you don't remember anything at all (but you do remember her words and motivations amazingly well, just not yours).

If I was your girlfriend, I would think that it's either bull**** or you're a bit dim, no offence. But more likely bull****. I would find it very hard to find a constructive way out of it. If you don't know how it happened, how on earth can you promise that it won't happen again? Looks like she's trying to get over it but I can't blame her for failing. You'd do her a favour by bowing out. And learn your lessons for the next amazing girl you'll meet...

SimpleDimples · 18-03-2018 8:17am

I find your story difficult to believe and I would imagine your former girlfriend does too - e.g. you assume it was because you were cold (Christmas was mild, the cold weather has been since then), you stayed in the bed as the couch wasn't suitable (do you expect us to take this seriously?), you remember SFA & never knew the girl before yet you have her phone number?

I think you knew what you were doing but have since discovered the grass isn't alwaus greener on the other side. You are relatively young for such a long term, long distance relationship - I can't help but think you thought it might be good to be with someone else just one last time before settling down.

Anyhow, leaving the bull**** aside, the relationship is damaged beyond repair at present. Time apart may change that but it's unlikely.

Trust is like a china plate. Once it's broken all the effort in the world will never fully bring it back to the way it was.

Life's toughest lessons are learnt the hard way - cheating has consequences.

Rockie1845 · 18-03-2018 8:33am

SimpleDimples wrote: »

I find your story difficult to believe and I would imagine your forner girlfriend does too - e.g. you assume it was because you were cold (Christmas was mild, the cold weather has been since then), you stayed in the bed as the couch wasn't suitable (do you expect us to take this serious?), you remember SFA & never knew the girl before yet you have her phone number?

I think you knew what you were doing but have since discovered the grass isn't alwaus greener on the other side. You are relatively young for such a long term, long distance relationship - I can't help but think you thought it might be good to be with someone else just one lsst time before settling down.

Anyhow, leaving the bull**** aside, the relationship is damaged beyond repair at present. Time apart may change that but it's unlikely.

Trust is like a china plate. Once it's broken all the effort in the world will never fully bring it back to the way it was.

Life's toughest lessons are learnt the hard way - cheating has consequences.

I’ll reply to a few things here because discussion is good!

If you find it hard to believe that’s grand but why would I fabricate a story for random straingers !

What I done is entirely wrong but entirely out of character. I am not trying to remove blame from me but I am trying to understand how I did something like this. I’ll reply to your points as I feel your making me out to be a devious lier, which I an not.

1. I didn’t assume anything about cold it was the very early hours of the morning and I had a two mile walk in a light shirt yes I was cold.

2.Yes I stayed in the bed, the girl obviously wanted it to happen but I was that drunk/nieve that I didn’t expect any thing more, very stupid sounding now in the light of day but true.

3. I do not have her number, I had to ask a work mate for her name and I messaged her on Facebook.

4. I hadn’t planned on this which is what your suggesting.

5. Finally we agree, this is life’s toughest lesson !

SimpleDimples · 18-03-2018 8:43am

Rockie1845 wrote: »

I’ll reply to a few things here because discussion is good!

If you find it hard to believe that’s grand but why would I fabricate a story for random straingers !

What I done is entirely wrong but entirely out of character. I am not trying to remove blame from me but I am trying to understand how I did something like this. I’ll reply to your points as I feel your making me out to be a devious lier, which I an not.

1. I didn’t assume anything about cold it was the very early hours of the morning and I had a two mile walk in a light shirt yes I was cold.

2.Yes I stayed in the bed, the girl obviously wanted it to happen but I was that drunk/nieve that I didn’t expect any thing more, very stupid sounding now in the light of day but true.

3. I do not have her number, I had to ask a work mate for her name and I messaged her on Facebook.

4. I hadn’t planned on this which is what your suggesting.

5. Finally we agree, this is life’s toughest lesson !

Things happen for a reason - you appear to be writing it all off as a drunk mistake rather than accepting it happened for a reason and what that reason was.

How would a workmate know who this girl was? You met her on the way home alone and had never seen or spoken to her before? Lie to yourself if you want but there are holes in your story

Rockie1845 · 18-03-2018 8:49am

SimpleDimples wrote: »

Things happen for a reason - you appear to be writing it all off as a drunk mistake rather than accepting it happened for a reason and what that reason was.

How would a workmate know who this girl was? You met her on the way home alone and had never seen or spoken to her before? Lie to yourself if you want but there are holes in your story

Relax will ya, i left my job in Early December when the girl in question wasn’t working there. I went to the Christmas party to have one last outing with colleagues and friends. She was also at the party and hence I had a friend that know both of us without us knowing each other.

There was no point going into this detail earlier as it was long winded enough

Big Bag of Chips · 18-03-2018 9:00am

When you talk to your girlfriend about it I'm sure you minimise it as much as you're minimising it to us. You're right, there is no need to lie/fabricate anything to strangers on line. It's irrelevant to us. We're not your gf. It's HER that you have to explain yourself to. And if your explanations are 'I don't know why', 'I can't remember', 'She made me do it' then of course your gf is going to have a very tough time moving on and accepting you are sorry and can assure her it will never happen again.

Like someone else mentioned you're adamant you don't remember why you did a lot of things. Yet you seem to remember exactly what she said and done. That makes no sense. And I'm the words of Judge Judy 'If it doesn't make sense, it's not true'. The truth might be hurtful to your gf, but at least it will be the truth. Right now, she knows you are still lying. She is confused and upset. She wants the relationship to be as it was. She wants to know you are truly sorry and will never do that again. But she also knows you are continuing to lie to her and play down your own involvement in getting into another woman's bed and going as far as having sex.

If you can't remember anything of the night, how do you even know you had sex?

Just be honest with her. It really is your only chance at moving forward. It could also be the nail in the coffin, but that's a chance you have to take.

Rockie1845 · 18-03-2018 9:05am

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

When you talk to your girlfriend about it I'm sure you minimise it as much as you're minimising it to us. You're right, there is no need to lie/fabricate anything to strangers on line. It's irrelevant to us. We're not your gf. It's HER that you have to explain yourself to. And if your explanations are 'I don't know why', 'I can't remember', 'She made me do it' then of course your gf is going to have a very tough time moving on and accepting you are sorry and can assure her it will never happen again.

Like someone else mentioned you're adamant you don't remember why you did a lot of things. Yet you seem to remember exactly what she said and done. That makes no sense. And I'm the words of Judge Judy 'If it doesn't make sense, it's not true'. The truth might be hurtful to your gf, but at least it will be the truth. Right now, she knows you are still lying. She is confused and upset. She wants the relationship to be as it was. She wants to know you are truly sorry and will never do that again. But she also knows you are continuing to lie to her and play down your own involvement in getting into another woman's bed and going as far as having sex.

If you can't remember anything of the night, how do you even know you had sex?

Just be honest with her. It really is your only chance at moving forward. It could also be the nail in the coffin, but that's a chance you have to take.

Thanks for your honesty and advice.

Sorry to all others who replied if I came across as rude or a liar.

I am so emotionally messed up I think I am allowing my self to bend the truth and believe it to cope with being such a prick to her.

The Bishop Basher · 18-03-2018 9:06am

I think you sound genuine. She’s told you she loves you. Give her space and time and go work on yourself in the meantime. Oobvously alcohol is a no no if you want this relationship to survive. Plenty of couples have gotten over much worse and gone on to be stronger then ever. If you both want it and are willing to work for it you can make it happen. It sounds like you will need professional help to get there though.

Colser · 18-03-2018 9:41am

Rockie1845 wrote: »

Thanks for your honesty and advice.

Sorry to all others who replied if I came across as rude or a liar.

I am so emotionally messed up I think I am allowing my self to bend the truth and believe it to cope with being such a prick to her.

Why did you go to such trouble getting her details from your friend,did you get her phone number when you messaged her,how many messages/texts etc did you exchange?If it was a one off with no chance of meeting again I can't understand why you followed up on it.

Big Bag of Chips · 18-03-2018 9:46am

On that above point, that's also something adding embarrassment to your gf. The fact that you asked a work colleague for her contact details. So it's not like you cheated and nobody knows about it. She might get over that slightly easier, but you cheated and people that know her know you did. That makes her look like a fool, and it makes the decision of staying with you more difficult because she looks like a fool who accepts her boyfriend sleeping with others.

It's a messy situation, Rockie and all you can do is be honest. Because by your own admission you haven't been up to this point. And she knows that. Us women aren't thick, you know!

lifeandtimes · 18-03-2018 10:22am

Rockie1845 wrote: »

a few days later messaged the girl to say sorry for what happened and that I didn’t want it to be awkward if we were to cross paths in work in the future

Rockie1845 wrote: »

Relax will ya, i left my job in Early December when the girl in question wasn’t working there. I went to the Christmas party to have one last outing with colleagues and friends.

Sorry op but I find this hard to belive.

Seems to me like you hooked up with a work colleague and tried to cover your tracks

If you still work with this woman I don't see how your gf will be able to handle that

December2012 · 18-03-2018 11:29am

You know what I would find hard? Its just so random. Its different than having an affair, or even prearranging a fling. By your version of events, you could cheat on her for any reason again, at any time. Can you appreciate how difficult that must be for her? If you go out again for work, or with friends or family, or with the lads the same thing could happen again. You could without any recollection or control, from what you are saying, cheat on her again. You already live in separate counties.

BTW I just want to clarify something for you - are you saying that you were raped by the woman in the bed? If you are, then please contact the Rape Crisis Centre for help and guidance.

Of course I hope for your own sake that you were not. But your language shows at the very least why informed and express consent is very important

Rockie1845 · 18-03-2018 1:53pm

Colser wrote: »

Why did you go to such trouble getting her details from your friend,did you get her phone number when you messaged her,how many messages/texts etc did you exchange?If it was a one off with no chance of meeting again I can't understand why you followed up on it.

I messaged her once on Facebook she didn’t reply, I messaged her out of guilt/fear! I panicked to be honest.

There is a chance we would be working together or on the same project in time so I just wanted to clear the air, stupid I know .

Bambi985 · 18-03-2018 2:20pm

OP, the consensus on this thread from random strangers who have heard about your situation is that you need to give this woman distance and officially break up with her so that she can process things and move forward.

She may move forward in your direction, she may come to the realisation that there is no future with you, it's 50/50 on both sides here. But you simply cannot continue as you are in this hellish purgatory of jumping to her every whim whilst she's stuck in an emotional rut of ruminating over the betrayal and torturing the both of you.

You know this can't continue indefinitely, don't you? You'll have a nervous breakdown at this rate. Listen, I went through a break-up last year where I stayed in contact with my ex until January, and it's only in the last two months that I've begun to process things and started to reclaim my life - almost six months post-breakup. I could be way way further down the road of recovery and happiness had we cut the chord when the breakup first happened - but instead I stayed in limbo and ultimately made things a lot harder on myself by staying emotionally attached to a relationship that was dead in the water.

Watch out for that co-dependency because it will fcuk your life over in the sneakiest way and you'll be a year down the line and in the worst place imaginable, clinging to a woman who is no longer emotionally available to you and actively regressing in life. The kindest thing you can do right now FOR THE BOTH OF YOU is to tell your ex that you're going to give her space, let this be the break up it obviously is, and stay away from her. Give her space to come to her own conclusions and don't ask 'how high' when she says 'jump'. Block her and stop replying and trying to prove something to her. Let her figure this out for herself.

Colser · 18-03-2018 2:22pm

Rockie1845 wrote: »

I messaged her once on Facebook she didn’t reply, I messaged her out of guilt/fear! I panicked to be honest.

There is a chance we would be working together or on the same project in time so I just wanted to clear the air, stupid I know .

If your girlfriend spun you the same story would you believe her and would you stay together?This is how it sounds to me...

You went on the night out and fancied the other girl even before you got very drunk...you could have stayed with any of your original friends from work that night or shared a cab with them and actually had planned on doing that before going out...you didn't because you were hitting it off with the girl all night and guessed where it was leading..you walked home with her and got into her bed with one intention and it happened.

That's how I would see it if I was your girlfriend because it's way more believable than the scenario of you walking home with some girl who's name you didn't know and stayed in her bed because it was cold outside and then slept with her.

For girls what is actually worse than being cheated on is the ridiculous lies that follow when you actually discover the truth.
Sorry if I'm wrong but that's how I would look at it if I were your girlfriend.

Big Bag of Chips · 18-03-2018 2:51pm

To be honest "I hope things won't be awkward" is the most wrong thing you could say! You cheated on your girlfriend of 5 years with her. Awkward is EXACTLY what it should be if you ever meet her again. And if you are serious about salvaging the relationship with your gf then you should be making 100% certain that your paths never cross again.

Think about what actually, really happened that night, and subsequently. Now, think that it was your gf who did it and think about how that would make you feel. And think about how you would feel now, living apart from her, not fully believing her version of events and not knowing what you should be doing.

I'd say she'd be dumped fairly immediately.

She's trying. She's trying to forgive and forget, but you're really not helping matters. I'm not sure how likely this relationship is to make it. But try being honest.

Rockie1845 · 18-03-2018 3:13pm

Again thanks for your opinions as I did ask for them but I know that parts of my story are laughable but why would I be lying about getting on with the girl all night to ye here on boards, I had not talked to the girl that night that is fact so unless I start lying to make a more believable story what can I do.

Yes I could have been more honest with my gf and said that when she came onto me in bed and made an offer of sex that I didn’t back down I didn’t think twice I thought entirely with my dick and had sex with her.

I don’t know how many of you have actually been through this but sitting face to face with someone you love and admitting you betrayed them is extremely difficult to sit there and see your gf crumble in front of you is tough so it’s not as simple as landing all the exact facts out on the table and admitting to being a man that gave into an opportunity of sex for his own pleasure in a completely selfish way.

I don’t know what the breakdown of male and female people commenting is nor do I know the breakdown of people who have been cheated on or have cheated but from talking to a large number of people I am not the first man to do this (not a justification) there is a lot of people who have wronged partners due to sexual desires and I just find it hard to believe that I have asked for advice from such a sexually moral group of people who have made no mistakes yet are very quick to condem me and assume that just because I ****ed up once in a situation fueled by drink and a woman throwing her self at me that I somehow don’t love my girlfriend or that I should be dealing with my breakup with the knowledge of someone who has dealt with it before.

Big Bag of Chips · 18-03-2018 3:24pm

You see, this is what you said first. To strangers who actually don't care and have no emotional investment in your relationship.

Rockie1845 wrote: »

Somehow and I’m being honest when I say I don’t know how, we ended up having horrible pointless sex during the night again I only have vague flash backs with no recolection of a start or finish

Your latest, after a bit of probing, again by people who don't know you or have any attachment to you is

Rockie1845 wrote: »

Yes I could have been more honest with my gf and said that when she came onto me in bed and made an offer of sex that I didn’t back down I didn’t think twice I thought entirely with my dick and had sex with her.

If strangers who know nothing about you could see you weren't being entirely honest, your gf who knows you intimately knew that not only did you cheat on her you then continued to try make a fool out of her by spinning her an unbelievable story and expecting her to believe it.

You came asking for advice, and you're right, you don't know the demographic of who us replying to you, but I assume you are looking for a way to get this "perfect woman" back. If you didn't want her back you wouldn't have bothered asking for advice. The advice is, either let it go, or be 100% honest. You think you are protecting her by not being fully truthful that you were drunk and horny and thought you'd get away with it. But by drip feeding her half truths, and some outright lies all you are doing in continuing to display to her that you Think she's a fool. You're lying to her. She knows it. And you know she knows it, yet you're persisting.

Yes, loads of people cheat. Many I imagine get away with it. Many get caught, and those who get caught usually follow the same script. Deny it until you can't possibly deny it anymore, and then blame someone/something else!

Try being honest with her, it will either help or end your relationship, but the alternative is to continue in this limbo.

Colser · 18-03-2018 3:33pm

It seemed like you were saying that you were so drunk that you don't remember what really happened but now you're saying that she came onto you so you do remember,they're the little details that wreck your head when you've been cheated on imo.

It's not that people aren't helping you but just trying to show you that if things don't add up it's as hurtful as the actual cheating itself.

Amprodude · 18-03-2018 3:44pm

I don't accept the fact that you were drunk and randomly walked back to house with a strange girl and before you know it you are in her bed and having sex. If you loved you girlfriend like you said you did, you wouldn't have broken her heart like that. It's such a mean and horrible thing to cheat on your girlfriend like that. Unfortunately you have to deal with the consequences and she would be right never to trust you or have a relationship with you again. Once a cheat always a cheat. The best thing you can do is move on, always remember it's never worth ruining what you have with your loved one to another woman, who wants a one night stand and will kick you out of the bed the next morning. Accept it that you knew what you were doing and you got caught in the act and now you have a range of problems to deal with. Thats my opinion on it.

Bambi985 · 18-03-2018 4:05pm

Rockie1845 wrote: »

I don’t know how many of you have actually been through this but sitting face to face with someone you love and admitting you betrayed them is extremely difficult to sit there and see your gf crumble in front of you is tough so it’s not as simple as landing all the exact facts out on the table and admitting to being a man that gave into an opportunity of sex for his own pleasure in a completely selfish way.

This is the one person in the world to whom you owe this kind of honesty. If you really love her as much as you claim. Honesty is the only thing that can save your relationship and see you through this situation, so it being "hard" is absolutely not an acceptable reason to withhold it - that's just you being selfish again.

Yes of course it's hard. Maybe think about how hard it is to see this person you love fall apart the next time you've had a few drinks and a random woman "throws herself at you". it's not her fault either by the way. She was just a random woman on a night out who ended up hooking up with and bringing home a random guy. This is par for the course behaviour for single people.

Rockie1845 wrote: »

I don’t know what the breakdown of male and female people commenting is nor do I know the breakdown of people who have been cheated on or have cheated but from talking to a large number of people I am not the first man to do this (not a justification) there is a lot of people who have wronged partners due to sexual desires and I just find it hard to believe that I have asked for advice from such a sexually moral group of people who have made no mistakes yet are very quick to condem me and assume that just because I ****ed up once in a situation fueled by drink and a woman throwing her self at me that I somehow don’t love my girlfriend or that I should be dealing with my breakup with the knowledge of someone who has dealt with it before.

Yes cheating is common, there's a lot of morally bankrupt people out there. There's also a lot of ****ty dysfunctional relationships out there and people break up over these issues every day of the week. Do you want to be lumped in with this category of people? Is watching your girlfriend crumble and have her life and self-confidence destroyed suddenly acceptable just because of the hoards of other people out there that have no issue cheating on their partners? Doesn't she deserve a better standard than that sort of scumbag behaviour?

Batgurl · 18-03-2018 4:36pm

Also OP, it’s very possible she will hit an angry/vindictive stage of her grief and will go out and do the same or similar to you.

Are you willing to accept that?

leggo · 18-03-2018 4:36pm

leggo wrote: »

OP how can she get over it when you’re not dealing with it yourself?

I don’t know you more than a few words off a page and I can tell the “I must’ve gone into this girl’s home because I was cold” line is waffle you’re telling yourself. You don’t seem naive. You know what happens when people go back to other people’s home after a few drinks. You know what happens when you go into someone else’s bed. If you knew this sober, you knew it drunk. The alcohol didn’t make you forget. So, on some level, in that moment you wanted it to happen and contributed towards it. It wasn’t all a massive accident.

Yet you’re still telling your girlfriend, strangers on a forum, where you can speak freely because you’re anonymous, and yourself this...and you wonder why your girlfriend can’t get over it? You’re still lying to her on some level. She doesn’t know you and can’t while you’re still sticking to this line of absolute waffle. How can you repair the trust you broke while you’re still standing by a really untrustworthy story?

Come to terms with what you did and why you did it. Take responsibility for it. Own it and be honest, no matter how brutal it is, because otherwise you’ll never have any chance at winning her trust back. Then deal with the consequences. You might get her back, you might not, but at least you won’t be in limbo anymore and can move past this.

OP I wrote this. I’m a male, 30, I cheated in my first relationship, confessed, watched the ex crumble, all the things you said. I stand by all of this.

HotelBewilder · 18-03-2018 5:54pm

Hi OP,

I have come to offer some solidarity.

My situation is quite similar to yours at the moment. The only difference is that my first drink lead me to drugs, which then lead to trust issues and extremely hurtful behavior that caused me to lose a relationship I valued very deeply, and still do. She is a magnificent woman.

It's been 2 months and like you, I have quit drinking, started working on myself, tried my best to bargain and work through the relationship issues but to no avail. The hurt caused is too much and I think the only thing we can do at this stage is offer time and space. I came to the conclusion that the circles we were going around in was damaging to both of us and I think it's wise to make it final and get used to the idea of them never coming back. If they do reach out in the future, that's a bonus. It's not going to be possible to heal otherwise.

It hurts but it really doesn't have be so gloomy as this pain can be the catalyst for change and growth. The past is done and the only thing anyone can do is to make sure they are always doing the next right thing. Each day.

The truth is that you will be fine and she will be fine, regardless of what happens.

Take care of yourself, be brave and set her free. See how that works out.

M

Maryg3 · 19-03-2018 1:50am

OP I'm sorry to say this but put like nearly all of the stranger on here and possibly your girlfriend I don't believe that your story is 100% legit.

1) there are a lot of flaws/ faults that don't add up between the story you first told everyone and then the replies you gave after every comment, for instance you said you never met this woman in your life some random, then after a few comments you say you text her because you got her number off a work friend/colleague, then after a few more comments it turns out she works in the same place as you, and then you say you panicked incase you had any up coming prodject that involved her?? How can you possibly expect people to believe that you have no notion of this girl if you had a fear that she may be involved in any up coming projects with you at work??

2) sorry to say this but you don't just randomly jump into bed with some one because you were in a shirt and cold and it would look bad if her friends came back and saw some man on her couch!! So it's okay for some random man to be in her bed but not on her couch?? Okay!!

You need to realise that what you done to your girlfriend was very wrong and no matter how innocent or believable you want your story to seem to you and all these stranger on here, the harsh reality of it is, is that its not innocent and its also not that believable to both parties!! But then again only you know the truth about what really happend that night, and whether your ready to confront it full on with your former gf or not is up to you not any of us.

She probably will never get over this but at the end of the day that is her decision to decide not yours, so there is no point in doing laps around this girl, give her space, let her decide, respect her final decision and learn from this very damaging mistake you made!!!!!

Rockie1845 · 19-03-2018 2:03am

Maryg3 wrote: »

OP I'm sorry to say this but put like nearly all of the stranger on here and possibly your girlfriend I don't believe that your story is 100% legit.

1) there are a lot of flaws/ faults that don't add up between the story you first told everyone and then the replies you gave after every comment, for instance you said you never met this woman in your life some random, then after a few comments you say you text her because you got her number off a work friend/colleague, then after a few more comments it turns out she works in the same place as you, and then you say you panicked incase you had any up coming prodject that involved her?? How can you possibly expect people to believe that you have no notion of this girl if you had a fear that she may be involved in any up coming projects with you at work??

2) sorry to say this but you don't just randomly jump into bed with some one because you were in a shirt and cold and it would look bad if her friends came back and saw some man on her couch!! So it's okay for some random man to be in her bed but not on her couch?? Okay!!

You need to realise that what you done to your girlfriend was very wrong and no matter how innocent or believable you want your story to seem to you and all these stranger on here, the harsh reality of it is, is that its not innocent and its also not that believable to both parties!! But then again only you know the truth about what really happend that night, and whether your ready to confront it full on with your former gf or not is up to you not any of us.

She probably will never get over this but at the end of the day that is her decision to decide not yours, so there is no point in doing laps around this girl, give her space, let her decide, respect her final decision and learn from this very damaging mistake you made!!!!!

To answer your first question yes I am 100% correct and honest about that. I left my old job in late September, she joined the company in mid October. I have moved to a new role in another section of the same company where I am level with the girls line manager so there may be an instance where our paths cross in the future.

Just out of curiosity why is there a case for a girl to be too drunk to consent and then the in counter is classed as rape while not one person has even slightly agrees that alcohol caused my bad judgement and led to poor decision making.

Amprodude · 19-03-2018 3:10am

Rockie1845 wrote: »

while not one person has even slightly agrees that alcohol caused my bad judgement and led to poor decision making.

Bull**** you knew what you were doing. You obviously didn't love your girlfriend enough that you cheated on her. Accept the fact you made this mistake and stop covering it up with your lame alcohol excuse.

December2012 · 19-03-2018 7:17am

Rockie1845 wrote: »

.

Just out of curiosity why is there a case for a girl to be too drunk to consent and then the in counter is classed as rape while not one person has even slightly agrees that alcohol caused my bad judgement and led to poor decision making.

I did raise this point. I will rephrase it. In my opinion consent should be fully given. If you did not consent and you feel you were raped please talk to the rape crisis centre.

For what it's worth I feel sorry for you too. I personally hope that a couple can overcome infidelity. But it requires willingness on all parts.

I know you're saying the relationship was good. But really how often did you see each other. What were you going to do if you got married. Who was going to move?

What does she want?

Colser · 19-03-2018 7:34am

I completely agree with you that alcohol can cause you to make a bad judgement,most Christmas parties especially in big companies end up with a story like yours from what I've seen but that's no comfort to your girlfriend now unfortunately so it's irrelevant tbh.

She's got to decide now that even if she can get over what happened can she ever trust you again ,the problem is that even if she's willing to try your relationship has completely changed and even if she forgives she'll never forget,that's the fallout from cheating in my experience.

What would you do if the roles were reversed and she had ended up in bed with some other man after a night out?

SimpleDimples · 19-03-2018 8:00am

It keeps coming back to inconsistencies even in this thread. One post says left job in early December, last says September.

It's strange because I believe you are sorry, I believe you want this girl back, I believe you are trying to prove that.

Yet I don't believe most of your story. Lies stand out as lies yet the truth is believable because it's true. Your girlfriend will be the exact same, in fact, better, because she knows you, she will spot a lie a mile off.

LegacyUser · 19-03-2018 9:13am

I’m confused by your story OP. You left your role but not the company, is that right? So now you work with that girl’s manager?

I was in your girlfriend’s position. I was cheated on and drip fed lies and information. I found out in the most humiliating way, from someone else. Everyone in his team knew, I will never forget the humiliation. He had no respect for me at all and all of mine for him disappeared. He was and is a pathetic person.

We lived together and I was so confused and messed up that I stayed there. I got my act together and applied for a job closer to home. I got it and moved, he followed. We moved from one end of the country to the other. I left, I made that clear. We were done but he moved anyway, ‘to make it work’. He hung around me and actually never gave me the opportunity to clear my head and heal. By the time that I actually got rid of him out of my life, I felt nothing but contempt for him.

Be entirely honest with your ex. Write it all down if you have to. Then, leave her in peace to get her thoughts and feelings straight. Far from you doing all the right things now by her, you are doing all of the things that make you feel better.

FizzleSticks · 19-03-2018 9:42am

This post has been deleted.

lifeandtimes · 19-03-2018 9:52am

Rockie1845 wrote: »

Just out of curiosity why is there a case for a girl to be too drunk to consent and then the in counter is classed as rape while not one person has even slightly agrees that alcohol caused my bad judgement and led to poor decision making.

Think very carefully what you're saying here

Too drunk to consent means you can't give permission to have sex because you are too drunk.

In your story you 1.walked home with this girl, 2. She said you could sleep at hers,3.asked to sleep on the couch, 4. she suggested her bed and 5. in her bed you almost certainly took your clothes off,6. then proceeded to have sex.

In parts 1-6 You could have left and said no AT ANY POINT!

So no it wasn't rape or even too drunk to consent so please don't use such a context in your story as it's a slap in the face too all the people who have actually been raped

Relationship crisis

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