Relationship crisis

Rockie1845

Hi all, bare with my long winded issue !

So I want to start with some background to allow ye to give me advice knowing the full story.

In my mid 20’s I have been in a relationship for over 5 years with the love of my life, perfect girl, beautiful, smart, caring, great craic, good job, similar interests, my family loved her.......like I could not hand pick a more perfect woman for me.

I had genuine ambition to propose to her in the not so distant future. And our relationship was fantastic despite it being long distance as we both work in different parts of Ireland but we spent an evening a week and every weekend together.

So now that I have despribed how perfect everything was, now let me describe how I ****ed everything up and why I need your help (not abuse as I am in a very bad place as it is) to try to fix the problem I have caused.

So went to a Christmas party had a great time, 4 pubs then housparty and I got excessively drunk, I genuinely can’t remember going to the house party with only vague memory of the party and no real memory of leaving it although I do remember bits walking home, I assume the cold shock hit me!

So here is the issue I ended up back in a girls house, a girl I don’t know, never spoke to her before that night and didn’t that night either, apart from the walk home as we were both going the same way. I don’t know why and can’t remember how but I ended up in her house, I assume I was freezing walking home and just went to stay there on couch or what ever.

I have a vague recolection of asking to stay on the couch but she wouldn’t let me as firstly there wasn’t one as it was an apartment type house and she didn’t want her friends thinking she had a random fella back with her.

There was nothing romantic happening at this stage between the two of us. We went to bed in her room (again all very vague but I did go to bed dressed and noting happened).

Somehow and I’m being honest when I say I don’t know how, we ended up having horrible pointless sex during the night again I only have vague flash backs with no recolection of a start or finish!

Long story short I got up the next day left was mortified etc, and then a few days later messaged the girl to say sorry for what happened and that I didn’t want it to be awkward if we were to cross paths in work in the future....... my girlfriend seen the message !!!!!!!!!

We have been “on a break” now since st.stephens day and it is hell!


when she confronted me I came clean admitted to all that happened, told her everything she wanted to know, explained how It wasn’t premeditated and assured her it was the first time anything like this ever happened etc

My GF is extremely cut up and still isn’t really talking to me despite admitting she still loves me but she resents that fact and is trying to push me away.

I have done all I can and all she asked me to do so for example:

I have not touched alcohol since December 26th, I have got tested for sti’s, I have been to counselling, I have had no contact with the girl, I have lost weight (an old ongoing request for health reasons not vanity reasons), I have reduced my stake in a business to commit to the relationship, read books on the effect of affairs, driven a four hour round trip at least once per week when she want to see me which has always ended in tears and me driving home the same night, wrote meaningful love poems to describe how I feel and what she means to me......like what more can I do to prove my commitment and remorse?

She just text this evening to say she feels she is only meeting me out of loneliness and she feels distant from me and doesn’t know if she can see me as she did before all this.


So after all that, thanks for reading as it’s a release but I do need help and advice as to how I can proactively improve the situation and give us the best chance of rebuilding the relationship as it is very much worth rebuilding,


Thanks, A

Batgurl

You have to accept that this isn’t your decision to make, it’s hers. And while she may make up her mind tomorrow, she is just as likely to never make a fully committed decision and may string you along in this limbo like break for years.

For all the same reasons you don’t know why you did what you did, she doesn’t know why she should bother with you any more.

She’s hurt, she’s confused, she loves you, you broke her trust and you can never get that back in the same pure way it once was.

If I were you I’d be prepared to move on as this is not something you have control of. You can try to put her at ease but it’s failed. It’s quite possible also that’s what she wants you to do but just isn’t strong enough to do it. If you truly love her you’ll let her go.

BowSideChamp

Break up with your GF and move on with your life.

Big Bag of Chips

This is such a difficult thing to go through. And the truth is she honestly doesn't know when she will ever get over it, if ever. What you are both doing now isn't working. You are remaining in touch. You are going over the same ground with no progression. I think if you and she are both serious about seeing if there is a way forward for the relationship then you both need to commit to trying to make it work. You both need to commit to going to a relationship counsellor who can guide you through this time.

You cannot continue to apologise, I suppose, but this hasn't been properly dealt with by you both as a couple either. You hurt her at a very very basic level. You have shattered and destroyed everything she believed her relationship was. Christmas was only a few weeks ago really. It is going to take an awful lot longer to get over it and for that hurt to die.

But going around in circles isn't going to get you anywhere. You need to break out of that cycle and try find a way forward. There are no guarantees, but you have to give it a chance.

Bambi985

You shouldn’t have cheated, that’s inexcusable and has caused untold damage, but it’s three months later and jumping through all these hoops and getting nowhere is just a pointless exercise in eroding your own self-esteem and causing a depression that could potentially ruin your life for years to come.

There’s a point where you have to face facts and that time is now. Your ex simply will never get over the betrayal and the trust is totally gone, which means the relationship is inevitably going to end. You self-flagellating and dancing rings around her and jumping to her every whim is having a major impact on your self-image and self-confidence and so it’s time to set each other free and walk away. The relationship is toxic.

It’s hard, really really hard but it won’t kill you and you’ll learn many valuable lessons from it down the line.

Rockie1845

Thanks for replies.

The feedback has been pretty daming,

She does want to work things out but hasn’t got the skills/tools to deal with the heartbreak and trauma.

Is it really as bleak as the replies suggest or is it something that’s worth trying to repair and if so how do we go about it?

Is couples counseling better than going on out own

Another day

Sounds like she also needs to go to counselling to work through her hurt. Maybe then couples counselling will follow or a complete breakup. As said you cannot continue to jump through hoops, it's not healthy for either of you.

Arrival

You cheated on her, ruined the trust in the relationship. And worst of all, she had to find out herself and only then did you come clean. She's entitled to take as long as she needs to come to the decision she naturally feels is best for her. From what you describe, she's a lovely girl and deserves a relationship with someone who wouldn't cause such pain but, while you did the worst possible thing one could do in a relationship, you can't allow yourself to be strung along and stay waiting for her to decide whether or not she wants to try and continue the relationship.

This will take great strength, but write a message explaining how you're not on a break anymore, you're now broken up as you feel it's the best thing to do for her so that she can have time entirely to herself without needing to interact with you (which strangely could actually be slowing down the process of her forgiving you as she may look at you and see how apologetic you are, how sweet you're being only to basically snap out of it and remind herself of why she's mad at you all over again). Advise her to go for therapy/counselling and that you will be doing the same. Tell her you will not be in contact again until she comes to a decision because you feel it's not healthy for your mental well-being. And then go and stay no contact until she reaches out to you. During that time, work on yourself. Work towards accepting the ending of the relationship, that you will never hug or kiss her again, that she will find someone else and that you will too. Believe me this will be tough because you'll naturally keep reminding yourself of all the great things about her and that you won't find someone else like her again but that's just your emotions and memories being in a heightened state. This will take months, but keep reminding yourself why you're doing this, keep reminding yourself about what you did and that she deserves better. Accept that you had your chance and blew it.

The main reason I'm advising you to take this approach is because you may be doing more harm than good by clinging onto her and staying around. She has you on a hook right now and while she may not have conscious, malicious intentions with the powers this allows her you still need to free yourself from that. Absence makes the heart grow fonder is actually true in many cases and it could be in yours. So do as I say and who knows. Maybe down the line one day she will reach out to you, willing to give you another chance, one that you will not blow again unless you want this lovely girl to have permanent trust issues in her future relationship.

I say this because I went through an absolutely awful breakup myself in which I kept trying to apologise and explain things to the girl. We'd talk on and off for months, me always being this extremely apologetic mess because I wanted to try again. I will NEVER do this again if a relationship of mine ends. If someone decides to break up with you, you need to respect their decision, tell them "okay" and nothing more and then remove all contact with them. Distract yourself by any means necessary (and I don't mean riding new people. People always advise this but really, take at least six months to yourself without paying any attention to anyone else, get your goals and a plan in order for other important aspects of your life besides a relationship/sex. You WILL be lonely but trust me, riding some random girls you have no feelings or respect for will not help. You have family and friends who can help you during times of loneliness. Personally, I loved going on a trip by myself and staying in hostels where I was forced to interact with interesting people from all over the world. It was fantastic for getting my mind off things). You can hope that the absence makes them rethink their decision, time without you may make them realise all the things about you that made them stay with you and forgive the reasons they ended things with you, but what won't do that is regular contact where you go through the motions.

leggo

OP how can she get over it when you’re not dealing with it yourself?

I don’t know you more than a few words off a page and I can tell the “I must’ve gone into this girl’s home because I was cold” line is waffle you’re telling yourself. You don’t seem naive. You know what happens when people go back to other people’s home after a few drinks. You know what happens when you go into someone else’s bed. If you knew this sober, you knew it drunk. The alcohol didn’t make you forget. So, on some level, in that moment you wanted it to happen and contributed towards it. It wasn’t all a massive accident.

Yet you’re still telling your girlfriend, strangers on a forum, where you can speak freely because you’re anonymous, and yourself this...and you wonder why your girlfriend can’t get over it? You’re still lying to her on some level. She doesn’t know you and can’t while you’re still sticking to this line of absolute waffle. How can you repair the trust you broke while you’re still standing by a really untrustworthy story?

Come to terms with what you did and why you did it. Take responsibility for it. Own it and be honest, no matter how brutal it is, because otherwise you’ll never have any chance at winning her trust back. Then deal with the consequences. You might get her back, you might not, but at least you won’t be in limbo anymore and can move past this.

The White Feather

Some very bleak replies here.

What I would say to you is that you are doing everything right since it happened. You are doing all you can.

Unfortunately it's not up to you now. There has been a big breach of trust on your part so obviously so it will take time if things can get back on track. You are lucky she has not said its over and don't contact her again.

I would say just keep doing what you are doing. She is texting you and is still meeting with you so there is hope for you. Of course she doesn't know if she can see you as she did before. Things seemed to be going great and then she gets this out of the blue which means she is questioning everything. She is wondering are you really sorry and will you do it again.

All you can do is keep being there for her, visiting, texting and calling when the chances come up but obviously you have to give her space as well to try to get over this.I mean just keep doing what you are doing.I would advise against any ultimatums like I wont call until you are back with me or until you come to a decision. That sounds like you are bailing on her until she gets back with you.You are in no position to be telling her anything.

All you can do is what you are doing. Keep the lines of communication open and visit when you can. Doing those trips are good as it shows you are making an effort.

In the meantime, keep working on yourself which is what you have been doing it seems. The main thing is to not put yourself in any situations like that ever again.Giving up drink is a good idea if you think it makes you more prone to bad decisions. Don't ever go to house parties without your partner/gf as its a recipe for disaster.You have to ask yourself why you went. How did it happen? Do you really want to be with her or are you looking elsewhere? "Somehow it happened" is a very thin excuse.Are you sure it was just the drink? If you can work these out, then you will be able to tell her when it eventually comes up. Honesty is the best policy from here on out.

As its been a few months and situation hasn't changed, then maybe try couples counseling or something together. If you are going to her place to talk, go outside for a walk together or go out for a meal or cinema.Just suggest to her something small like that to do something like when you were a couple. This may "jumpstart" things back to somewhat like they were. She may realise though that she can't continue on with it or she may decide to save things. Going together to counseling might help this also and it may be all she is willing to do.

It really is up to her. My sense is she wants it to work as there is still contact.If you are in a pattern of going there and always ending in tears then try to change it. Stay in a hotel or BandB and ask to meet for lunch the next day or something.

It's a case of showing her you are trying to change things with actions rather than waiting for her to "give in"

Rasputin87

OP, I don't want to sound too harsh, but I think a big problem here that you're not seeing is your inability to own your mistake. It's the very first thing I took from your post - I doubt I'm alone - and I'm sure your girlfriend recognizes it too.

I got excessively drunk, I genuinely can’t remember going to the house party with only vague memory of the party and no real memory of leaving it although I do remember bits walking home, I assume the cold shock hit me!

I have a vague recolection of asking to stay on the couch but she wouldn’t let me as firstly there wasn’t one as it was an apartment type house and she didn’t want her friends thinking she had a random fella back with her.

Somehow and I’m being honest when I say I don’t know how, we ended up having horrible pointless sex during the night again I only have vague flash backs with no recolection of a start or finish!

You've concocted a story where you were this completely innocent, unwilling participant in a night where alcohol, cold weather and some unnatural force conspired to trick you into having sex with a stranger. It's as if you tripped, and unwittingly fell into having sex with this woman!

Look at this from our (and your girlfriend's) point of view - what's more likely:

(a) You walked home with a complete stranger who you hadn't even spoken to - not even earlier in the night - and she kindly offered you a place to stay because of the cold weather. And not even on the couch, but in her bed because she doesn't want to come across as bringing a random guy home (umm, okay...). All completely innocent.

(b) You got really drunk, started chatting up and flirting with some girl all night, saw an opportunity to go home with her and get the ride and regretted it the next day.

IMO, it's not just the fact you cheated that's the problem here. The fact that your girlfriend had to find out for herself and the fact that you're still trying to weasel your way out of all responsibility for it are two big factors too.

It's easy for you to want to hit rewind and go back to the way things were - but again, look at it from her side. She'll never be able to relax when you're on a night out again. Any time you're late home, she'll wonder if you're cheating again. When you get texts late at night, she'll wonder who they're from. That trust is completely fractured and can't be repaired, and your relationship would never be the same again.

As for what can you do? Honestly, give her space, own your mistakes and let your ex make her own decision.

Big Bag of Chips

Also, apart from not admitting you were 100% at fault and trying to come up with every excuses imaginable, font under estimate the level of embarrassment your gf feels. You were out with friend. Presumably friends who know your gf. And you went home with someone else. Had sex with someone else. You made a fool of your gf. Don't disregard that. She feels like a fool. She still loves you, of course she does. You font just magically fall out of love that quickly. She desperately wants everything to be ok. But it's not. You made a fool of her, and your story is just continuing to make a fool of her.

You don't "accidentally" end up having sex with someone. You might know its wrong, but on some level you continued it because you wanted to. Because it was available and you were fairly certain you'd get away with it. It might sounds cruel, but it is the truth.

I hope you can sort it out. But you are going to have to be more honest than you have been. The truth will hurt her, but it will allow you both to move on from the stalemate you're in now.

Rockie1845

Thanks for your replies despite how tough it is to read.

I suppose there is a part of me denying my willingness to cheat which was very much helped by my level of intoxication which caused me to make bad decisions, but again it’s no excuse.

What I mean here is that I like anyone had lots of opportunity to cheat before but always opted agains it and it was never something I planned on doing.

I am trying to deny it as I can’t beleive I have been such a dick to the woman I love and as cliche as it sound my former best friend.

I have really ruined the best thing in my life due to being a selfish idiot !

I am probably being greedy asking her to stay with me but it’s very hard to willingly walk away from such an amazing girl !

Arrival

Rockie1845 wrote: »

Thanks for your replies despite how tough it is to read.

I suppose there is a part of me denying my willingness to cheat which was very much helped by my level of intoxication which caused me to make bad decisions, but again it’s no excuse.

What I mean here is that I like anyone had lots of opportunity to cheat before but always opted agains it and it was never something I planned on doing.

I am trying to deny it as I can’t beleive I have been such a dick to the woman I love and as cliche as it sound my former best friend.

I have really ruined the best thing in my life due to being a selfish idiot !

I am probably being greedy asking her to stay with me but it’s very hard to willingly walk away from such an amazing girl !

Think of it like this: you're not willingly walking away from an amazing girl, you're allowing an amazing girl the space to make her choice because you already made yours.

Rockie1845

Arrival wrote: »

Think of it like this: you're not willingly walking away from an amazing girl, you're allowing an amazing girl the space to make her choice because you already made yours.

Ouch

Big Bag of Chips

There's a line I heard before (in a comedy scenario but it seems relevant here) "How can I miss you, if you won't go away?"

You are both stuck in this limbo and while you're in it, you haven't the headspace to think. By keeping in contact, and by continuing to see each other its confusing things, and prolonging the confusion. Now don't get me wrong, my sympathies lie completely with your gf and under no circumstances should you be giving her a "make your decision by the weekend, or I'm gone" ultimatum. Nor should you be phrasing any break in contact as, "I'm not going to contact you until you've decided".

If you break contact temporarily then it should be for both of you, mainly her, to have the space to realise if she really wants to not be with you. To decide if being apart from you is the right decision for her. If she can see her life being on without you in it. Or if being away from you ales her realise that she can try to forgive and move forward together. But she cannot get her head around all that while she still sees you so regularly. Because she can't visualise what like without you at the end of the phone is really like.

Your situation is made all the more complicated by the fact that you're long distance. It must be very hard to build up trust when she is at home upset over what you've done, and you are away from her, potentially still seeing the other person.

5 years is a long time. What was the plan before this happened? Where either of you planning on moving closer to the other? It takes a LOT of work to rebuild broken trust. I just don't know if that can be done when you are still long distance. What also might happen is now that you've hurt her, she might start seeing friends/colleagues in a light that she never saw them in before because she was committed to you. If that bond has been weakened, others might start seeming attractive where she would never have thought that before.

I think you need to take a break (complete break) from each other for at least 1 month. In that month agree to go to counselling separately to figure out what's going on. Then after the month depending on your decisions you could go to counselling together. But I think if there's to be any hope then you're going to have to make plans to move closer. Although that in itself could put a bit of pressure on the relationship.

You need to talk to each other. And not the same conversation. Make a plan... And agree to stick to it.

Anyclue49

OP, you need to finish with this girl and move on.
Coming from someone who was cheated on over and over she's either going to forgive you or she's not
You did a crappy thing and **** you for doing it. But you didn't murder anyone. Cheating is not a crime and 3 months on you shouldn't be blackmailed for this girl to forgive you. She's not going to forgive you because she would have by now. You could Cut your penis off and put it in a jar she will find something else to request. Cut ties and move on.

zoobizoo

Anyclue49 wrote: »

OP, you need to finish with this girl and move on.
Coming from someone who was cheated on over and over she's either going to forgive you or she's not
You did a crappy thing and **** you for doing it. But you didn't murder anyone. Cheating is not a crime and 3 months on you shouldn't be blackmailed for this girl to forgive you. She's not going to forgive you because she would have by now. You could Cut your penis off and put it in a jar she will find something else to request. Cut ties and move on.

Yep.

You were extremely drunk and you made a mistake.

You've tried to make amends.

Looks like nothing you do will work.

You didn't go out with the intention of cheating and you've tried to make up since.

you're in your mid twenties.

Break up with her and begin again having learned a valuable lesson.

strandroad

To be honest I think that breakup is on the cards. You're doing all the right things afterwards, but it's the way you cheated that is so unfortunate that I completely see how your gf can't get over it.

It's one thing to process some clear cut situation like "we went for a stag and I got a lap dance", and to assess the damage and the chance of it (not) repeating itself. It's another thing completely to be asked to believe that you fell into a stranger's bed and you don't remember anything at all (but you do remember her words and motivations amazingly well, just not yours).

If I was your girlfriend, I would think that it's either bull**** or you're a bit dim, no offence. But more likely bull****. I would find it very hard to find a constructive way out of it. If you don't know how it happened, how on earth can you promise that it won't happen again? Looks like she's trying to get over it but I can't blame her for failing. You'd do her a favour by bowing out. And learn your lessons for the next amazing girl you'll meet...

SimpleDimples

I find your story difficult to believe and I would imagine your former girlfriend does too - e.g. you assume it was because you were cold (Christmas was mild, the cold weather has been since then), you stayed in the bed as the couch wasn't suitable (do you expect us to take this seriously?), you remember SFA & never knew the girl before yet you have her phone number?

I think you knew what you were doing but have since discovered the grass isn't alwaus greener on the other side. You are relatively young for such a long term, long distance relationship - I can't help but think you thought it might be good to be with someone else just one last time before settling down.

Anyhow, leaving the bull**** aside, the relationship is damaged beyond repair at present. Time apart may change that but it's unlikely.

Trust is like a china plate. Once it's broken all the effort in the world will never fully bring it back to the way it was.

Life's toughest lessons are learnt the hard way - cheating has consequences.

Rockie1845

SimpleDimples wrote: »

I find your story difficult to believe and I would imagine your forner girlfriend does too - e.g. you assume it was because you were cold (Christmas was mild, the cold weather has been since then), you stayed in the bed as the couch wasn't suitable (do you expect us to take this serious?), you remember SFA & never knew the girl before yet you have her phone number?

I think you knew what you were doing but have since discovered the grass isn't alwaus greener on the other side. You are relatively young for such a long term, long distance relationship - I can't help but think you thought it might be good to be with someone else just one lsst time before settling down.

Anyhow, leaving the bull**** aside, the relationship is damaged beyond repair at present. Time apart may change that but it's unlikely.

Trust is like a china plate. Once it's broken all the effort in the world will never fully bring it back to the way it was.

Life's toughest lessons are learnt the hard way - cheating has consequences.

I’ll reply to a few things here because discussion is good!

If you find it hard to believe that’s grand but why would I fabricate a story for random straingers !

What I done is entirely wrong but entirely out of character. I am not trying to remove blame from me but I am trying to understand how I did something like this. I’ll reply to your points as I feel your making me out to be a devious lier, which I an not.

1. I didn’t assume anything about cold it was the very early hours of the morning and I had a two mile walk in a light shirt yes I was cold.

2.Yes I stayed in the bed, the girl obviously wanted it to happen but I was that drunk/nieve that I didn’t expect any thing more, very stupid sounding now in the light of day but true.

3. I do not have her number, I had to ask a work mate for her name and I messaged her on Facebook.

4. I hadn’t planned on this which is what your suggesting.

5. Finally we agree, this is life’s toughest lesson !

SimpleDimples

Rockie1845 wrote: »

I’ll reply to a few things here because discussion is good!

If you find it hard to believe that’s grand but why would I fabricate a story for random straingers !

What I done is entirely wrong but entirely out of character. I am not trying to remove blame from me but I am trying to understand how I did something like this. I’ll reply to your points as I feel your making me out to be a devious lier, which I an not.

1. I didn’t assume anything about cold it was the very early hours of the morning and I had a two mile walk in a light shirt yes I was cold.

2.Yes I stayed in the bed, the girl obviously wanted it to happen but I was that drunk/nieve that I didn’t expect any thing more, very stupid sounding now in the light of day but true.

3. I do not have her number, I had to ask a work mate for her name and I messaged her on Facebook.

4. I hadn’t planned on this which is what your suggesting.

5. Finally we agree, this is life’s toughest lesson !

Things happen for a reason - you appear to be writing it all off as a drunk mistake rather than accepting it happened for a reason and what that reason was.

How would a workmate know who this girl was? You met her on the way home alone and had never seen or spoken to her before? Lie to yourself if you want but there are holes in your story

Rockie1845

SimpleDimples wrote: »

Things happen for a reason - you appear to be writing it all off as a drunk mistake rather than accepting it happened for a reason and what that reason was.

How would a workmate know who this girl was? You met her on the way home alone and had never seen or spoken to her before? Lie to yourself if you want but there are holes in your story

Relax will ya, i left my job in Early December when the girl in question wasn’t working there. I went to the Christmas party to have one last outing with colleagues and friends. She was also at the party and hence I had a friend that know both of us without us knowing each other.

There was no point going into this detail earlier as it was long winded enough

Big Bag of Chips

When you talk to your girlfriend about it I'm sure you minimise it as much as you're minimising it to us. You're right, there is no need to lie/fabricate anything to strangers on line. It's irrelevant to us. We're not your gf. It's HER that you have to explain yourself to. And if your explanations are 'I don't know why', 'I can't remember', 'She made me do it' then of course your gf is going to have a very tough time moving on and accepting you are sorry and can assure her it will never happen again.

Like someone else mentioned you're adamant you don't remember why you did a lot of things. Yet you seem to remember exactly what she said and done. That makes no sense. And I'm the words of Judge Judy 'If it doesn't make sense, it's not true'. The truth might be hurtful to your gf, but at least it will be the truth. Right now, she knows you are still lying. She is confused and upset. She wants the relationship to be as it was. She wants to know you are truly sorry and will never do that again. But she also knows you are continuing to lie to her and play down your own involvement in getting into another woman's bed and going as far as having sex.

If you can't remember anything of the night, how do you even know you had sex?

Just be honest with her. It really is your only chance at moving forward. It could also be the nail in the coffin, but that's a chance you have to take.

Rockie1845

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

When you talk to your girlfriend about it I'm sure you minimise it as much as you're minimising it to us. You're right, there is no need to lie/fabricate anything to strangers on line. It's irrelevant to us. We're not your gf. It's HER that you have to explain yourself to. And if your explanations are 'I don't know why', 'I can't remember', 'She made me do it' then of course your gf is going to have a very tough time moving on and accepting you are sorry and can assure her it will never happen again.

Like someone else mentioned you're adamant you don't remember why you did a lot of things. Yet you seem to remember exactly what she said and done. That makes no sense. And I'm the words of Judge Judy 'If it doesn't make sense, it's not true'. The truth might be hurtful to your gf, but at least it will be the truth. Right now, she knows you are still lying. She is confused and upset. She wants the relationship to be as it was. She wants to know you are truly sorry and will never do that again. But she also knows you are continuing to lie to her and play down your own involvement in getting into another woman's bed and going as far as having sex.

If you can't remember anything of the night, how do you even know you had sex?

Just be honest with her. It really is your only chance at moving forward. It could also be the nail in the coffin, but that's a chance you have to take.

Thanks for your honesty and advice.

Sorry to all others who replied if I came across as rude or a liar.

I am so emotionally messed up I think I am allowing my self to bend the truth and believe it to cope with being such a prick to her.

The Bishop Basher

I think you sound genuine. She’s told you she loves you. Give her space and time and go work on yourself in the meantime. Oobvously alcohol is a no no if you want this relationship to survive. Plenty of couples have gotten over much worse and gone on to be stronger then ever. If you both want it and are willing to work for it you can make it happen. It sounds like you will need professional help to get there though.

Colser

Rockie1845 wrote: »

Thanks for your honesty and advice.

Sorry to all others who replied if I came across as rude or a liar.

I am so emotionally messed up I think I am allowing my self to bend the truth and believe it to cope with being such a prick to her.

Why did you go to such trouble getting her details from your friend,did you get her phone number when you messaged her,how many messages/texts etc did you exchange?If it was a one off with no chance of meeting again I can't understand why you followed up on it.

Big Bag of Chips

On that above point, that's also something adding embarrassment to your gf. The fact that you asked a work colleague for her contact details. So it's not like you cheated and nobody knows about it. She might get over that slightly easier, but you cheated and people that know her know you did. That makes her look like a fool, and it makes the decision of staying with you more difficult because she looks like a fool who accepts her boyfriend sleeping with others.

It's a messy situation, Rockie and all you can do is be honest. Because by your own admission you haven't been up to this point. And she knows that. Us women aren't thick, you know!

lifeandtimes

Rockie1845 wrote: »

a few days later messaged the girl to say sorry for what happened and that I didn’t want it to be awkward if we were to cross paths in work in the future

 

Rockie1845 wrote: »

Relax will ya, i left my job in Early December when the girl in question wasn’t working there. I went to the Christmas party to have one last outing with colleagues and friends.

Sorry op but I find this hard to belive.

Seems to me like you hooked up with a work colleague and tried to cover your tracks

If you still work with this woman I don't see how your gf will be able to handle that

December2012

You know what I would find hard? Its just so random. Its different than having an affair, or even prearranging a fling. By your version of events, you could cheat on her for any reason again, at any time. Can you appreciate how difficult that must be for her? If you go out again for work, or with friends or family, or with the lads the same thing could happen again. You could without any recollection or control, from what you are saying, cheat on her again. You already live in separate counties.

BTW I just want to clarify something for you - are you saying that you were raped by the woman in the bed? If you are, then please contact the Rape Crisis Centre for help and guidance.

Of course I hope for your own sake that you were not. But your language shows at the very least why informed and express consent is very important

Rockie1845

Colser wrote: »

Why did you go to such trouble getting her details from your friend,did you get her phone number when you messaged her,how many messages/texts etc did you exchange?If it was a one off with no chance of meeting again I can't understand why you followed up on it.

I messaged her once on Facebook she didn’t reply, I messaged her out of guilt/fear! I panicked to be honest.

There is a chance we would be working together or on the same project in time so I just wanted to clear the air, stupid I know .