Husband had one night stands whilst working away

Ursus Horribilis

Addle wrote: »

I don't think the OP wants to save the marriage, if she's honest.
She wouldn't have told people about their issues if she did.

Or maybe she was so upset about it, she felt she had to tell somebody. My feeling is that she wants to save the marriage but she can't get over his betrayal.

Ursus Horribilis

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Not everybody is clamouring to break up that marriage. It would be great for everybody if the OP and her husband can get through this. Maybe they still can sort this. But in my opinion, things will have to move on from where they stand now. She's not wrong to feel the way she does. How can she forgive him and move on if she doesn't even know why he did it. There has got to be some reason why he deliberately left his hotel room and went on the pull. Repeatedly. Saying he doesn't know is a cop-out. How can she ever trust him again if the reason for this infidelity is still there? She didn't say if he still goes on business trips but if he does, you can bet your bottom dollar that she's wondering where he is and who he's with. It takes a lot of work to get over a break in trust.

We spent a few million years evolving as non-monogamous primates and a few thousand living as (barely) monogamous ones. If he comes out with the line that 5 million years of evolution overwhelmed his higher reasoning a handful of times no one is going to take that as an answer anyhow and yet it's as likely as anything else.

Ursus Horribilis

Well, if her husband subscribes to that theory she deserves to know she's married to a tomcat.

Bambi985

Honestly these caveman explanations are just insulting to all the good men out there, of which there are a majority. My dad, uncles, male college friends, work colleagues, bosses etc are all upstanding family men who rave about their wives and kids any chance they get. Their lives are centred around the family unit and keeping that strong and this notion that deep down they are just monkeys swinging off branches waiting to be corrupted by this carnal need to fcuk anything is frankly laughable.

Getting married or committing to one woman (or man) doesn’t make any of us blind to all the attractive people we encounter every day, but funnily enough most of us manage to keep our clothes on and remain true to the person we’re supposed to love because that’s what a decent, evolved human being does.

The OH’s husband owes her a serious explanation and a commitment to resolving the issue that sent him into the arms of any willing participant he could find whilst on these business trips and I don’t know” is simply unacceptable at this point.

Pawwed Rig

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Sometimes seperating is the best option for the children.

Agreed but not as often as people might think. In this case the OP says he is a great Dad and the kids adore him. It may be the case that he gets custody too. In this case it is not obvious (at least to me) that separating is the best option.

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

They'll still see both their parents and be well provided for, that isnt the issue.

You cannot say that for sure

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

The OP needs to decide whats best for her and if that means separating and potentially meeting someone new in the future then I dont think she should be made to feel guilty for that.

The OPs number 1 priority should be their kids not what is best for her.

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Her partner destroyed the marriage when he cheated, he didnt only cheat on her he destroyed his childrens happy home, disprespected their mother and the family unit.

In your opinion. Nothing from the OP indicates that that is her opinion. They have been together for a year since it happened and she has stated that

Has done everything he can for the last year to try and make it up to me.

this doesn't sound like the unrepentant bollix that alot of the posters here are describing.

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

he wanted his cake and to eat too, he played away from home more than once and now she has every right to leave him.

My wife (afaik) never cheated on me and I still have every right to leave her. Not sure what your point is.

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

This is entirely his fault, not hers. Noone should have to stay in a marriage were theyre disrespected and emotionally tormented by someone because they have children together.

Slightly hysterical here. I sense from the OPs posting a sadness rather than emotional torment.

Yes he was a dick. The OP does say it seems to be the norm in their town which may explain the activity (not excuse it though). They sound like a young couple so maybe maturity is an issue which again may explain (but not excuse) it.

KERSPLAT! wrote: »

It's not the posts here that will cause the break up of a family, if it happens.

Someone in an emotionally fragile state may easily be lead by what looks like a consensus and act upon that.

There is just not enough information provided to justify the hysterics here calling for him to be thrown out. See below what the OP has actually said rather than the shameful posts by people who have interpreted what she said.

dollydoo30 wrote: »

Ok , although this happened a year ago, I'm still struggling to understand because of a number of things, together 12 years, 2 kids, young couple, get on great, keep ourselves well, regular sex, spend lots of time together, would say we are best friends, then one day I discover on our computer from his google maps he had been going out to nightclubs whilst working away, eventually find out he has cheated a few times with random one night stands, never texted or contacted them again, has been drunk when they happened. We have been to councilling, my heart is broke, he says he doesn't know why he did it, he thinks I'm gorgeous, loves our life together and couldn't be without me etc. Has done everything he can for the last year to try and make it up to me. I just really cant get my head around the fact I didn't know or suspect, or how things could feel so happy. I have never cheated on him, I get lads coming up to me if I'm out etc, and I have never even thought of it. I don't know why I'm writing this , I'm maybe looking for some male perspectives.
He is normally quiet and wouldn't be a jack the lad type, it has really shocked our close family and one or two friends who know to the core, they also would have said he adored me etc.

Will I ever feel any better. I love him so much and it hurts me so much that I was so happy and loved my life and now its a struggle to function at times.
Thanks for reading

dollydoo30 wrote: »

Rekop dog, thank you for your reply. Yes I always stated my views on cheating as we come from a town where it is rife and I always felt terrible when I would hear of other people cheating etc and he would agree etc.

I am just taking one day at a time and trying to be ok for my kids they love their dad and we have also always been a very affectionate couple so if we did split up theyd would be as heartbroken as i feel. Just want to add i cheated as a youngster before on other people but when i met him i realised how much you can love someone and the thought of ever hurting him would kill me.

GreeBo

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

The OPs number 1 priority should be their kids not what is best for her. .

I agree with everything other than this part.

The OP needs to also do what is right for herself.
No good being a martyr for the kids sake.

Walking away is the final option, never the first. It's too hard to walk back.

leggo

Pawwed Rig, you're berating people for giving advice in an advice forum based on a few lines of text (that's literally a description of what PI is)...but what is your actual advice? Forgive him and don't break up? Like do you have anything constructive to add rather than the bleeding obvious I'm sure the OP has tried in the time since all of this has happened BEFORE she came to here looking for further help?

Big Bag of Chips

Ok, there has already been two Moderator notes on this thread. Can posters please bear in mind when posting that they are speaking to a person who has a very real and very personal problem. Speaking to each other about what men think in general or what women want in general is rude in this context as you have to assume that the poster is sitting here, listening to everyone after pouring her heart out, and people are arguing over and back and ignoring her and what she has asked.

So for the final time, please direct all replies to the OP, ensuring they contain constructive civil advice. And stay away from broad generalisations as they are not helping the specific issue.

Cards will be issued from this point.

Ursus Horribilis

Would going to a different counsellor help? Perhaps someone else might be better at trying to get at the root of the problem.

Pawwed Rig

leggo wrote: »

Pawwed Rig, you're berating people for giving advice in an advice forum based on a few lines of text (that's literally a description of what PI is)...but what is your actual advice?

I said it in a previous point. Third party help by way of lone or joint counselling and lots of communication with each other. The OP justifiably feels hurt and betrayed and if their relationship is to survive then it is going to take huge amounts of effort from both of them. They both need to be willing and ready to put in that effort.
OP I wish you well in whatever choices you make.

leggo

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

Third party help by way of lone or joint counselling and lots of communication with each other.

They've done that. It says as much in the post you quoted.

Pawwed Rig

leggo wrote: »

They've done that. It says as much in the post you quoted.

Keep doing it. It may take years but depends on how much both of them want the relationship to work.

Neyite

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

Keep doing it. It may take years but depends on how much both of them want the relationship to work.

I'm not sure that's entirely fair. I know a couple who really tried after infidelity. They did all the stuff that we are saying on here - the person who cheated was the most contrite person I've ever seen. The partner was so forgiving and really wanted to put it behind them. They tried. They really really tried for a good few years. But what they used to have was gone, and in it's place was a relationship that neither of them had peace in.

Sometimes it's broken beyond repair. No matter how hard both people want to fix it. And it's ok for one person to draw a line under years of trying and call it a day if that's what they want. The OP isn't acting out of anger or knee-jerk retaliation. She's considered since discovery how this affects them, affects the kids, the wider family. She's listened to her husband and given him every opportunity to work at putting this right. She's tried. She should't be made feel bad because they can't get past the betrayal he brought into their lives.

Ursus Horribilis

There's also the children to think of here. Kids aren't fools and sooner or later they'll figure out that all is not well between mum and dad. That can do damage in its own way too. There comes a time where staying together for the kids does more harm than good.

I'm of the opinion that the OP and her husband should try again to see if they can sort this. Possibly with another counsellor who won't let him off the hook with his "I don't know" excuse. Perhaps if there's more honestly and less brushing the matter under the carpet, they might be able to get over this. Breaking up a marriage is a drastic step and should be the last resort. If it comes to that, it'll be a tragedy but at least they'll have tried.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, it is ok to not be ok with this. Your marriage and your relationship has changed. Forever. The security and trust and respect that you took for granted are gone. Through no fault of yours. Your husband may be doing everything he can to make it right, and you might be doing everything you can to be alright with it, but it is not that simple. You might think after a year you should be ok, but a year is a relatively short time when it comes to a marriage. And this wasn't a one off "mistake". This was a conscious decision to go out and be with others when the opportunity presented. I don't get people comparing one night stands v an affair saying which is worse than the other. Both are a kick in the face to the cheated partner. I'm assuming people who say an affair would be worse have never been in your situation.

A year is a short time, especially when your life has been shattered. I think you are trying to do the right thing and you are trying really hard to accept he is sorry and rebuild that trust again. But it is not something that you can just flick a switch and decide, that's it now. He can't explain why he did it? He can, but he knows it's a shallow pathetic reason and he knows saying it out loud will add even more pain to his already hurting wife. He did it because he could. Because he was away and because he gave little or no thought to you at home with his children. First time he might have felt remorse and guilt. But, he didn't get caught. So it made doing it the next time a bit easier. And then it became something that he didn't give any thought to at all and it was something he had in mind every time he left you to go away on business. It was a selfish act. He wasn't thinking of you, of your marriage, of your family. He was 100% confident that you'd never find out, and was happy enough thinking "what she doesn't know won't hurt her, and sure I'm having a great time".

But that's not what he wants to say to you. Because he knows it makes him look like the selfish person that he was. But if he admitted all that to you, it actually might go somewhere towards helping you accept it and move on. Give yourself a break, and give yourself credit for doing your best. You now live in a new reality. You may be able to continue that and build on it, or the day may come when it all proves too much, or that you don't feel as committed to your relationship yourself. It's only been a year. I know it has been a horrible year and you don't want to continue feeling like this, but it is going to take longer than this to be ok.

vetinari

OP, it's ultimately up to you. Be honest with yourself. If you can't forgive him, it's best to break up.
It's perfectly valid for a relationship to be broken for good after cheating is discovered.

Personally, I would view the cheating as a major breach of trust but wouldn't try to expand it to meaning more than it is.
Some people, given opportunity, are susceptible to cheating. Your husband was away from home, out in some bar / club.
He put himself in a situation where cheating could happen and wasn't strong enough to stop it.

If ye're to stick together, he needs to stop putting himself in such situations and probably cut down a bit drinking wise.