Husband had one night stands whilst working away

dollydoo30

Ok , although this happened a year ago, I'm still struggling to understand because of a number of things, together 12 years, 2 kids, young couple, get on great, keep ourselves well, regular sex, spend lots of time together, would say we are best friends, then one day I discover on our computer from his google maps he had been going out to nightclubs whilst working away, eventually find out he has cheated a few times with random one night stands, never texted or contacted them again, has been drunk when they happened. We have been to councilling, my heart is broke, he says he doesn't know why he did it, he thinks I'm gorgeous, loves our life together and couldn't be without me etc. Has done everything he can for the last year to try and make it up to me. I just really cant get my head around the fact I didn't know or suspect, or how things could feel so happy. I have never cheated on him, I get lads coming up to me if I'm out etc, and I have never even thought of it. I don't know why I'm writing this , I'm maybe looking for some male perspectives.
He is normally quiet and wouldn't be a jack the lad type, it has really shocked our close family and one or two friends who know to the core, they also would have said he adored me etc.

Will I ever feel any better. I love him so much and it hurts me so much that I was so happy and loved my life and now its a struggle to function at times.
Thanks for reading

Rekop dog

Doesn't sound like you're coping too well with it and trust is gone which is completely understandable. I think what's worse is you suspected nothing so you'll always doubt yourself in future when he's out on his own and be worried that he clearly pulled the wool over your eyes before so can do it again. That's not a life worth living imo.

I'm not sure how any relationship survives cheating to be honest, think it takes a certain degree of suffering in silence from the victim. I couldn't make peace with a partner cheating in any case, would shatter your self worth long term.

But i think what you're trying to ask without saying it is can a guy have meaningless sex and it not be any sign of him be unhappy with you or not love you. It's a difficult question to answer as he clearly had deep disregard for your mental health if you ever found out (and people usually do) and to me that's the absolute antithesis of love.

dollydoo30

Rekop dog wrote: »

Doesn't sound like you're coping too well with it and trust is gone which is completely understandable. I think what's worse is you suspected nothing so you'll always doubt yourself in future when he's out on his own and be worried that he clearly pulled the wool over your eyes before so can do it again. That's not a life worth living imo.

I'm not sure how any relationship survives cheating to be honest, think it takes a certain degree of suffering in silence from the victim. I couldn't make peace with a partner cheating in any case, would shatter your self worth long term.

But i think what you're trying to ask without saying it is can a guy have meaningless sex and it not be any sign of him be unhappy with you or not love you. It's a difficult question to answer as he clearly had deep disregard for your mental health if you ever found out (and people usually do) and to me that's the absolute antithesis of love.

Rekop dog, thank you for your reply. Yes I always stated my views on cheating as we come from a town where it is rife and I always felt terrible when I would hear of other people cheating etc and he would agree etc.

I am just taking one day at a time and trying to be ok for my kids they love their dad and we have also always been a very affectionate couple so if we did split up theyd would be as heartbroken as i feel. Just want to add i cheated as a youngster before on other people but when i met him i realised how much you can love someone and the thought of ever hurting him would kill me.

December2012

It’s odd that he did it more than once. You would think once would be the shameful wake up call...

eviltwin

He did it because he could and he wanted to. Once is a mistake, more than once and it's a choice.

And he didn't tell you, you found out. How long would he have continued having casual sex if you hadn't?

I hope you both got tested for std's. If he was drunk he might not have used protection.

Keep going to counselling, it might be an idea to go on your own for a bit to sort out your own feelings. His lack of engagement is a bit worrying, he doesn't know why he did it, what a cop out. Are you sure he's not just going through the motions? What else has he done to reassure you that he can be trusted?

dense

dollydoo30 wrote: »

Ok , although this happened a year ago, I'm still struggling to understand because of a number of things, together 12 years, 2 kids, young couple, get on great, keep ourselves well, regular sex, spend lots of time together, would say we are best friends, then one day I discover on our computer from his google maps he had been going out to nightclubs whilst working away, eventually find out he has cheated a few times with random one night stands, never texted or contacted them again, has been drunk when they happened. We have been to councilling, my heart is broke, he says he doesn't know why he did it, he thinks I'm gorgeous, loves our life together and couldn't be without me etc. Has done everything he can for the last year to try and make it up to me. I just really cant get my head around the fact I didn't know or suspect, or how things could feel so happy. I have never cheated on him, I get lads coming up to me if I'm out etc, and I have never even thought of it. I don't know why I'm writing this , I'm maybe looking for some male perspectives.
He is normally quiet and wouldn't be a jack the lad type, it has really shocked our close family and one or two friends who know to the core, they also would have said he adored me etc.

Will I ever feel any better. I love him so much and it hurts me so much that I was so happy and loved my life and now its a struggle to function at times.
Thanks for reading

You sound like a one in a million!

Don't know what else to say!
Some guys just don't know how well they have things.

There's a saying around my neck of the woods, the only bad bit was the bit hanging out of him.

The thing I hate about this is in 40 years time not being able to sit together looking back over a faithful marriage. It will always hang over you.

But time is something of a healer. Problem is, we often don't feel like investing so much in others again for fear of it happening again.
Vicious circle.

The only thing that stood out for me was that you said you look after yourself.

To me that shows his actions weren't as a result (or some subconscious form of punishment for) of you letting yourself go.

Why that's a "good thing" is, to him, it was probably just convenient mechanical sex, probably because it was available on a plate and not because he was searching it out.

Hope things work out.

WIZWEB

An awful experience I can understand from experience. I'm male. It still shakes us from the core and destroys our fantasy and the pedestal we put those we love on. You're entitled to feel hurt, betrayed and confused. There's a lot about him in your post. The what's, ifs and whys. Most questions will never be answered truthfully in either an effort by him to prevent hurting you more or in order to cover his tracks in damage limitation. We also measure ourselves against these usually invisible conquests. We diminish ourselves as not good enough through our unfaithful partners disrespectful actions. The reality is it's him not you. Women in relationships are capable of the same discourtesy as men. Unfortunately what he did is not so uncommon but that doesn't make it okay.

Your options include whether or not you feel you can resolve this hurt and trust. To continue the relationship you eventually have to forgive though not forget. If not then you need to consider long-term plans including leaving him. If he's not willing to change or continues to excuse his actions further then you leaving must occur. You may be able to resolve things later if honest and evidenced changes are shown. The 'being drunk' is an example of a very poor excuse. I'd guess you've been drunk sometimes but managed to avoid such scenarios. The kids will thrive better in learning there are consequences for such actions rather than normalising dysfunction in relationships. Age appropriate to them of course. If you are both willing to engage then there is hope. You mentioned joint counselling. Surely there were recommendations there to follow. Ask yourself are either or both willing to engage with these? Many couples manage to work through such hurdles yet many don't. Ultimately it should be clear what you need, want and expect from a fair relationship with some joint compromises. He's already bypassed that boundary. It can be resolved. There's either equality or one takes and the other gives. If the giver accepts this reality with the newly acquired knowledge then they are enabling this toxicity.

Mongfinder General

I really wouldn't try and work out why he did it. What you need to do is work out what you do next.

splinter65

He sounds scarily immature to me tbh, and that would bother very much me in a married parent of 2 kids.
He’s suggesting that he wandered out to a nightclub and hooked up with some random woman, and not only did he do this once but several times?!?
Is he responsible in other areas of your life as a family?
How is he with money?
What about the kids (and I don’t mean does he love them spend time with them etc, any eegit can do that) but does he make sacrifices for them, leave the TV to go and see why a smallie is crying etc?

morphman

Hi op. I really feel for you but you must look after yourself and the kids. I too have been through this from a male perspective.
I'm not here to take over your thread, I am just here to let you know your not alone. Trying to understand the reasoning of why someone you love and who supposedly loves you would do a thing like this will not help you. I am dealing with it by assessing whether there is actual remorse and in realising that I did not make this happen. Is the trust broken yes of course it is but the question is can you trust again.One day at a time op is all we can do.

vectorvictor

When trust is gone things will never be as they were but it is possible to rebuild. Unfortunately this involves you forgiving and accepting which is something I personally , as a man , didnt have the capacity to do.

That said , I would take his cheating as not being a reflection on your relationship or his happiness with you. We are wired very differently and this was more than likely an act not an emotion for him.

That is a huge generalisation but I fear most men who need sex, are away from their partner and have the opportunity, if were given immunity / a guarantee of not getting caught , would take it. I know I most likely would but it would have no reflection on my happiness with my relationship. A huge double standard and something I would never forgive the other way round but that is the warped thinking thats involved.

Sex is a game a football , a relationship is quite something different. Good luck op!

JackTaylorFan

Huge betrayal - repeated many times.

Trust is gone.

Do yourself a favour and get rid.

You are by your own confession still desirable - go find someone who desires you. Not a lying, cheating pig.

JackTaylorFan

vectorvictor wrote: »

That said , I would take his cheating as not being a reflection on your relationship or his happiness with you. We are wired very differently and this was more than likely an act not an emotion for him.

That is a huge generalisation but I fear most men who need sex, are away from their partner and have the opportunity, if were given immunity / a guarantee of not getting caught , would take it. I know I most likely would but it would have no reflection on my happiness with my relationship. A huge double standard and something I would never forgive the other way round but that is the warped thinking thats involved.

Sex is a game a football , a relationship is quite something different. Good luck op!

What a cop out... There is obvious emotional fallout here and trust has been lost - possibly forever.


Sex is not a "game of football" - what a terribly crude analogy - and outside of a marriage/relationship it is a huge transgression - whether it be the husband or wife who is at it. And it certainly is a reflection on the state of a marriage/relationship. The guy was sleeping around while drinking - god knows what he picked up along the way and passed on to his loving spouse.


You're right about the double standard though...

Chocolate fiend

I doubt you will ever feel any better, he will never not have had sex with random people while married to you.

I wouldn't stay.

Pawwed Rig

vectorvictor wrote: »

That is a huge generalisation but I fear most men who need sex, are away from their partner and have the opportunity, if were given immunity / a guarantee of not getting caught , would take it. I know I most likely would !

That is not true at all ime

Addle

dollydoo30 wrote: »

it has really shocked our close family and one or two friends who know to the core, they also would have said he adored me etc.

IMO, once it's public knowledge, there's no going back.
He's showed incredible disrespect for you OP and everyone knows.
They'll lose respect for him and your relationship.

leggo

I know guys who cheat like this. Truth is, they’re just narcissists who don’t actually care that much about anyone but themselves. It doesn’t occur to them that they’ve betrayed the one person on the planet who cares about them more than any other, if anything they get a rush from getting away with it and think it’s great. You can try explain this to them but it just doesn’t go in, at best they’ll realise they’re getting judged and turn manipulative and say the right thing, then go off and do what they want anyway.

The problem is that narcissists can be very charming and manipulative and say whatever they need to to get what they want from people, so their partners (while lovely people in their own right) are clueless to who they’re really with. We believe whatever we want to believe after all. Even when they say they’re sorry and it sounds believable, they’re sorry they got caught, not that they did it. They’d still be doing it if they didn’t get caught...and they’ll probably do it again if you give them enough leeway to. They are low in empathy, that’s formed in childhood, it’s not something you can really change or teach in someone once they reach adulthood. All you can really do is keep them on a leash. Do you want to live that way OP?

If it was just the one drunken mistake and something like you found out because he was acting different out of guilt and he fessed up when confronted...that’d be different. The fact that it was repeated and he was able to carry on with life as normal for so long would lead me to believe he’s one of the above guys though, I’m sorry OP.

For what it’s worth, if that’s the case then it’s almost definitely not about you. It’s not a reflection on who you are as a person or anything you were lacking or unable to give him. These people would cheat with 100 people out of 100 if given the opportunity. It’s just in them and, again, the only way to combat it is to keep them on a leash. But then, as someone above said, you have to take stuff like the children into account and the type of relationship they’re going to grow up being around that’ll form the basis for every relationship they’ll ever have in the future. If you choose to continue and (rightfully) have trust issues as a result of this, they can read that and will likely grow up having to overcome trust issues themselves etc. There’s no easy answer OP and I’m sorry you’re going through this, you don’t deserve it.

stargazer 68

Addle wrote: »

IMO, once it's public knowledge, there's no going back.
He's showed incredible disrespect for you OP and everyone knows.
They'll lose respect for him and your relationship.

This OP - family and a couple of friends know? Sorry but that will have gone around like wildfire and it will get back to the children via friends parents whispering.

runningbuddy

Hi OP, so sorry you are in this situation.

The fact that your husband has cheated more than once is a huge red flag to be honest.

Personally, I couldn't work on this. I could forgive a one off but not consistent cheating.

More importantly, please look after your health. Get yourself checked out. Even if your husband said he practised safe sex, I would not take his word for it.

Maybe get some counselling (not couple) for yourself.

Bambi985

Sorry for what you're going through OP, my head would be all over the place too.

Not that it's any consolation at all, but this sort of behaviour from married men is not uncommon from my own anecdotal experience and it leads me to believe there's a certain type of man that can compartmentalise sex and see the physical act of cheating as "not a big deal" and "only sex" etc and that's how it's justified and how it continues over time. She doesn't know, I'm hurting no-one, I love her and have no feelings for this wan and all that lark. It sounds like your husband is one of these types.

I honestly think it's a value incompatibility that I'd personally struggle to overcome, not being someone who A. views sex in that way and B. views loyalty and marriage in that way and I'd be at a complete loss as to how to address it if I was in the same position. I'd probably be insisting on regular counselling on his part, in addition to marriage counselling together and a separation period so I could get my head together without having him breathing down my neck while I'm trying to deal with the fallout of it all.

I wish you the best of luck with it.

LegacyUser

I discovered my partner (a woman in this case) had cheated on me by having a one night stand a couple of years back. I didn’t confront her on it at the time, but I did spend a lot of time thinking about what my response should be. It was a shock, as our relationship was always very close and decades old. I decided to say nothing, and hope it was a one-off that wouldn’t be repeated. Of course it wasn’t - it was followed by an affair with another man.

The bottom line was that there were problems in our relationship that had festered, and communication around them had completely broken down. I hoped that space and kindness would help her get this out of her system, but in reality doing nothing about it just made matters worse. We’ve now got to a place where the issues are out in the open, and are working at figuring things out and hopefully fixing them.

I guess my point is that if the relationship is worth it, you can move past betrayal - but it’s traumatic and hard work. I know I was hurt, and remain so, but I’ve honestly been able to forgive, if not condone, my partner’s choices and actions. It surprised me as much as anyone else.

Martina1991

Bambi985 wrote:

Not that it's any consolation at all, but this sort of behaviour from married men is not uncommon from my own anecdotal experience and it leads me to believe there's a certain type of man that can compartmentalise sex and see the physical act of cheating as "not a big deal" and "only sex" etc and that's how it's justified and how it continues over time. She doesn't know, I'm hurting no-one, I love her and have no feelings for this wan and all that lark. It sounds like your husband is one of these types.

There is a thread trending in AH at the moment about sex parties.

It's full of sexual puns and innuendos. People are finding it very funny. But some men are boasting about the fact they have sex while away from home and don't get caught.

It seems some men (and women) see sex as being completely separate to their relationships.

I'm not trying to justify it by any means but it is fascinating that there are men laughing and joking about it in one thread and here is a heartbroken devoted wife at the other end of it.

Rekop dog

Other perspective wrote: »

I discovered my partner (a woman in this case) had cheated on me by having a one night stand a couple of years back. I didn’t confront her on it at the time, but I did spend a lot of time thinking about what my response should be. It was a shock, as our relationship was always very close and decades old. I decided to say nothing, and hope it was a one-off that wouldn’t be repeated. Of course it wasn’t - it was followed by an affair with another man.

The bottom line was that there were problems in our relationship that had festered, and communication around them had completely broken down. I hoped that space and kindness would help her get this out of her system, but in reality doing nothing about it just made matters worse. We’ve now got to a place where the issues are out in the open, and are working at figuring things out and hopefully fixing them.

I guess my point is that if the relationship is worth it, you can move past betrayal - but it’s traumatic and hard work. I know I was hurt, and remain so, but I’ve honestly been able to forgive, if not condone, my partner’s choices and actions. It surprised me as much as anyone else.

This is classic. When a woman cheats it's so often turned around on the husband as due to the problems in the relationship. It's a form of manipulation to make you believe you were to blame for pushing her over the edge. She's walked all over you here and wouldn't be surprised if she'd do it again to you without a bit of shame.

LegacyUser

Rekop dog wrote: »

This is classic. When a woman cheats it's so often turned around on the husband as due to the problems in the relationship. It's a form of manipulation to make you believe you were to blame for pushing her over the edge. She's walked all over you here and wouldn't be surprised if she'd do it again to you without a bit of shame.

Ehh, thanks for your perspective, but just a reminder that you know neither me, nor my partner, and are really in no position to know if anyone was manipulated, pushed, or walked over. Take it from one who does know - you’re miles off.

Neyite

Mod:

Can folk get back on track & give advice to the OP rather than turning this into a general discussion. Thanks.

sallyanne12

Hi OP, so sorry to hear your story. I think you need to think long and hard if you can forgive. Just to tell you a story about something similar which happened in my family last year. My sister was married for 8 years and like yourself seemed so devoted and we all thought they were the perfect couple. Her husband appeared to love her so so much. Like your husband he worked away sometimes but mostly worked locally. She found out after 6 years together that he had been unfaithful with women whilst away. She discovered messages on his phone from several different women over the course of their relationship and even spoke to one of the women who confirmed he had been seeing her. She confronted him and although he denied it initially, he admitted it when there was clear evidence he had cheated. He said there had been 3 women but they meant nothing to him and it was just a thrill and nothing more. He told her that she was the woman he wanted for life and that he only wanted those women for a night. My sister was heartbroken but loved him to bits and loved their family so she gave him another chance. She found it very hard but she did her best and worked hard everyday to get over it. The hardest part was that one woman in particular continued to sext him regularly even though he wouldn't reply. She would send naked pictures of herself and try to suck him back in. She was clearly obsessed with him. It tortured my sister to see this but they decided to block her number. 2 years later and they appeared to be happy families again and for the first time in so long my sister seemed genuinely happy and confident again. Only then a surprise message came from this woman on another number claiming that she had a child with my sisters husband. He insisted on a DNA test and it was confirmed that he had a 2 year old son with this woman. After that the woman was in constant contact with my sisters husband and he felt guilt not being in contact with his son. She couldn't take any more so they broke up. The point of my story is that it can all seem like it is over and you can forgive but can you life with it forever if he has a child with one of these women? It is very possible and something to be considered. Sorry op but I would dump him and find someone who wouldn't do this to you

Big Bag of Chips

The difficult part in all of this is you've done nothing wrong. Yet, if your marriage is to survive this you are the one who has the hard work to do. You are the one who needs to find a way through this. You are the one left devastated and broken. You are the one who needs to trust. You are the one who needs to get over this and move on. All he has to do is nothing.

You are going to be confused, upset and angry for a very long time. And you have a right to be. And he needs to accept that. People in his situation can sometimes put a time limit on when you are supposed to get over this. It doesn't work like that. He might think after 2 weeks, a month, 3 months whatever that you should be over it, but this will have lasting effects in your marriage for years. And that is something he (and you) will have to allow for.

You also should know that just because you make a decision now it doesn't mean you're bound by it. Maybe you owe it to yourself and your marriage to try get passed this and accept it as a mistake. But that does not mean if 6 months, 2 years whatever down the line you find it is still having a bad impact on you that you have to stick with it. Take 1 day at a time. Some days you might think you are coming to terms with it and moving on, and the very next day you could be back to square one hurt and upset all over again.

Above all take care of yourself and your own mental health. You might find that you need counselling for yourself. A safe place to get out everything without fear of an argument. You will have so much you want to say. But much of it he won't want to hear. You are entitled to get it all out. But, he may not be able to hear it. And after hearing it a few times, he might well start defending the indefensible, and saying things to hurt you in order to get you to stop.

It's going to be a messy, unpleasant time, no matter how you go about it. But whatever happens you will come through it.

qwerty13

I do wonder, whenever I read about stuff like this - or hear about it in real life. An affair, I can sort of understand - not forgive; but can understand the (cliche?) of ‘we weren’t getting on, I met someone who understood me/with whom I got on better’. I’d presume from that scenario that the main relationship had problems, or had run its course. Not that overlapping is any excuse, but I suppose I can sort of understand how it might happen.

But having multiple one night stands. I don’t get it. Is it just ‘I don’t care enough about my partner to bother being faithful’, or are there people who truly separate sex from relationships, and don’t see a problem with it? Or is it just opportunistic sex, in the hope that they won’t be found out?

I actually don’t know which would be more get-over-able. I think I could - possibly - get over a total random ridiculous mistake. But the emotional connection of an ongoing thing, no. Or multiple random hook-ups, well no.

You’re in a v tough situation OP. I’d find the emotional connection stuff harder to get over. But multiple random sex, I’d find that v hard to get over, in a different way. I guess all you can do is assess what feel you can cope with/move on from.

leggo

I think when people argue that sex is different from love or that men are programmed to want sex with multiple people, they’re lying to themselves to convince themselves they’re not selfish, manipulative people. If you really felt that way, you’d say it up front to a partner and seek out people who felt the same. But then that’d mean they had to deal with the prospect of their partner sleeping with other people too, and they don’t like that, so it’s not actually how they feel at all.

valoren

You don't cheat on someone if you love them. You don't love someone if you repeatedly cheat on them.
OP, you must realise that while your husband says he loves you the reality seems to be that he doesn't.
You judge someone by their actions not their words.

Martina1991

qwerty13 wrote:

I do wonder, whenever I read about stuff like this - or hear about it in real life. An affair, I can sort of understand - not forgive; but having multiple one night stands. I don’t get it. Is it just ‘I don’t care enough about my partner to bother being faithful’, or are there people who truly separate sex from relationships, and don’t see a problem with it? Or is it just opportunistic sex, in the hope that they won’t be found out?

leggo wrote:

I think when people argue that sex is different from love or that men are programmed to want sex with multiple people, they’re lying to themselves to convince themselves they’re not selfish, manipulative people.

If someone asked you which was worse: your partner having an affair with someone he had feelings for or having a string of one nights stands. I would say the affair.

There are brothels in every town in Ireland. They will never run out of business due to mens compulsive desire to have sex. No emotion attached.

My point is sex means something different to many men. It's like scratching an itch. It's a physical act. If the OP says her partner is a good husband and father then I wouldn't just throw that all away.