Husband had one night stands whilst working away

Tigger99

A good husband doesn't cheat multiple times. And I'm not getting any impression of his remorse from the Op's posts.

A good father isn't out shagging other women whenever the mood takes him.

leggo

Martina1991 wrote: »

My point is sex means something different to many men. It's like scratching an itch. It's a physical act. If the OP says her partner is a good husband and father then I wouldn't just throw that all away.

Think of all the things that would need to be true for this logic to make sense: if you’re arguing that it’s a fundamental difference in our gender, you’re saying that it’s written into our DNA, that would require all men to impulsively want to cheat (they don’t) and mean that women would never get the urge to cheat (they do). There’s never been any credible scientific research to suggest this, the best you’ll find is a pickup artist talking about cavemen going hunting or some BS. It’s just a pleasant sounding lie that removes responsibility from the man and protects their cheated partner’s feelings if they want to go along with it. The OP is in a real situation with children involved. Feeding her opinion masked as pseudoscience doesn’t help IMO.

Big Bag of Chips

Post offering advice to the OP. Take the general discussion elsewhere, please.

Katgurl

Op so sorry to read your story. You must be feeling completely overwhelmed.

I think there is no point trying to go on as normal now. Ask your husband to leave for a while. Do you have a friend who could come and stay? You need to figure out if you want to work on trying to save your marriage.

I know I could not get over the betrayal, the disrespect, the lack of empathy, the deceit.

But that doesn't mean you shouldn't. But first take some time for yourself to get your head clear.

Katgurl

Katgurl wrote: »

Op so sorry to read your story. You must be feeling completely overwhelmed.

I think there is no point trying to go on as normal now. Ask your husband to leave for a while. Do you have a friend who could come and stay? You need to figure out if you want to work on trying to save your marriage.

I know I could not get over the betrayal, the disrespect, the lack of empathy, the deceit.

But that doesn't mean you shouldn't. But first take some time for yourself to get your head clear.

Can't really agree with this. Yes, the OP is heartbroken but the best way to fix any problem is to face it.

My personal views are probably vastly different that most here, and indeed, the OP's but there is something to be said for having a partner who is a good provider and a good father for his children. We are brought up to believe in an uncomplicated love but as I get older I see how rarely this happens. Yes, the husband made mistakes, terrible ones possibly, but need they be such mistakes that outweigh the excellent things he also brings and does? What do you actually want OP?

Eitherway, good luck OP. I hope you and your husband can find happiness.

Airyfairy12

Martina1991 wrote: »

My point is sex means something different to many men. It's like scratching an itch. It's a physical act. If the OP says her partner is a good husband and father then I wouldn't just throw that all away.

This isnt true at all. If it was then men who cheat wouldnt hold double standards for their partners. If a woman cheats on a man she is branded a manipulative, selfish slut when a man cheats its all oh well boys will be boys they cant help themselves.
Besides how they view sex isnt really the issue. Im sure men understand the pain and devastation they will cause a partner by cheating yet they do it anyway. 'its like scratching an itch' - you make men sound like primitive cave men that cant control their sexual urges.

Airyfairy12

Deleted User wrote: »

Can't really agree with this. Yes, the OP is heartbroken but the best way to fix any problem is to face it.

My personal views are probably vastly different that most here, and indeed, the OP's but there is something to be said for having a partner who is a good provider and a good father for his children. We are brought up to believe in an uncomplicated love but as I get older I see how rarely this happens. Yes, the husband made mistakes, terrible ones possibly, but need they be such mistakes that outweigh the excellent things he also brings and does? What do you actually want OP?

Eitherway, good luck OP. I hope you and your husband can find happiness.

What do you mean 'theres something to be said for a partner whose a good provider and father? Thats his responsibility, why does he deserve some sort of medal for providing for his own children? Wheres her praise for doing an equal job?

She deserves to be around people who love, support, respect and care about her. He may act like he does to her face but behind her back hes a different person. She cant trust him. She deserves to be with someone she can trust and not let him off because the poor thing made a mistake. but sure doesnt he pay for his own kids - what an outstanding guy, sure let him sleep around.

Airyfairy12

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

What do you mean 'theres something to be said for a partner whose a good provider and father? Thats his responsibility, why does he deserve some sort of medal for providing for his own children? Wheres her praise for doing an equal job?

She deserves to be around people who love, support, respect and care about her. He may act like he does to her face but behind her back hes a different person. She cant trust him. She deserves to be with someone she can trust and not let him off because the poor thing made a mistake. but sure doesnt he pay for his own kids - what an outstanding guy, sure let him sleep around.

I think my meaning is clear tbh. I'm trying to strip emotion from the issue, and be pragmatic. We're adults here, talking in cliches about what love is or what love should be seems unrealistic to me. We can all throw emotional fuel at the OP's issues if we want, but it achieves nothing.

Ursus Horribilis

I wonder would getting a proper answer help? Saying he doesn't know why he did it is such a cop out. Especially when it was something that happened on a few occasions.

Ursus Horribilis

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I wonder would getting a proper answer help? Saying he doesn't know why he did it is such a cop out. Especially when it was something that happened on a few occasions.

You'd only fall victim to narrative affect, imo. Whatever he says now he will not be able to accurately recreate what he was feeling on the various nights in question. That's not to say he doesn't have to answer for his actions but very often we don't understand our own actions, or what drives our actions.

Pawwed Rig

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

She deserves to be around people who love, support, respect and care about her. He may act like he does to her face but behind her back hes a different person. She cant trust him. She deserves to be with someone she can trust and not let him off because the poor thing made a mistake. but sure doesnt he pay for his own kids - what an outstanding guy, sure let him sleep around.

and kids deserve their Dad. You are over simplifying a complex situation by solely taking into account the feelings of the OP.

Reducing fatherhood down to cash is also very insulting to Dads.

leggo

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

and kids deserve their Dad. You are over simplifying a complex situation by solely taking into account the feelings of the OP.

Reducing fatherhood down to cash is also very insulting to Dads.

Kids deserve to grow up in a loving home too and not one filled with mistrust and resentment, if the situation this particular father has created of his own accord can't be fixed. Let's not reduce this down to a fathers' rights issue either. It's about the OP's problem, not that.

dense

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

This isnt true at all. If it was then men who cheat wouldnt hold double standards for their partners. If a woman cheats on a man she is branded a manipulative, selfish slut when a man cheats its all oh well boys will be boys they cant help themselves.
Besides how they view sex isnt really the issue. Im sure men understand the pain and devastation they will cause a partner by cheating yet they do it anyway. 'its like scratching an itch' - you make men sound like primitive cave men that cant control their sexual urges.

In spite of what we are told nowadays, men and women ARE different. Men are cavemen.
They do it anyway.

Men, we are told, however much we dislike it, run on looks. Think with the dick. Likes porn.

Women, we are told, don't. Wants compliments. Attention. Flowers.

Trying to fit both into a one size fits all mould and the current trendy efforts of "desexing" men and women into feeling comfortable about being given gender neutral public toilets for example ignores this.

That's not to say I condone his behaviour.
I don't. He's a tosser who doesn't know how well he has it at home.

OP is stuck knowing all this and, ultimately will be expected to have sex with him and play happy families.

She has to figure if that's worth the hassle of starting all over again.

Things won't be the same either way.
If she 'denies" in the bedroom department he'll probably slope off elsewhere.

He'll probably slope off anyway though.

Deny him his kicks but let him provide.
Use him and his money till the kids are grown up and inform them about his behaviour as and when they do.

If he's not happy he can put on his medallion and flares.

redfox123

There is no point going into why men do it, why some don't. It could go on forever. The only thing is to look at facts, he showed complete disregard for the OP and his kids, to an almost sociopathic level by doing it various times. There are plenty of men who would not do this, it comes down to values. A lot of people do or don't do things according to their values, and don't let their desires overrule that.
It doesn't matter how good a husband he was or how much she loves him, sadly, because the reality is she will never be happy with him again. You really can't begin to understand why he did what he did, the facts are there that he did it, and the only thing to do is leave him. I would not normally advise it, but unfortunately there would be no getting past this, long term it will always make her enormously unhappy, no matter what way you try to look at it.

The only chance of happiness is a clean slate, she couldn't stay with him and ever trust or forget what he did.
She probably feels she couldn't cope and the only person who she feels she should be able to get through this devastation with is the one person who did it to her. That's where the confusion lies, and why she is trying to understand it or find a way to make it bearable. But long term the only way towards being happy again is to end it. I think the OP knows this deep down but has to take the time for her to accept it. You can forgive a lot of things, we are all fallible and make mistakes, of course, but this was not a mistake, and in my and most people's opinion unforgivable.

Neyite

Mod:

Can people stop with the mass generalisations of either sex please. They are inaccurate and unhelpful.

Pawwed Rig

leggo wrote: »

Kids deserve to grow up in a loving home too and not one filled with mistrust and resentment, if the situation this particular father has created of his own accord can't be fixed. Let's not reduce this down to a fathers' rights issue either. It's about the OP's problem, not that.

And nothing the OP has said would indicate that he is not a good father.
I am not sure why you think the situation cannot be fixed?? Of course it can. If all parties want and do their best to fix it then it can be overcome.
I never mentioned fathers rights. I mentioned the kids rights to a father.
It is a complicated issue that has received some good responses on this thread however your response is over simplified and does not take into account the other multiple parties.

Colser

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

And nothing the OP has said would indicate that he is not a good father.
I am not sure why you think the situation cannot be fixed?? Of course it can. If all parties want and do their best to fix it then it can be overcome.
I never mentioned fathers rights. I mentioned the kids rights to a father.
It is a complicated issue that has received some good responses on this thread however your response is over simplified and does not take into account the other multiple parties.

What other "multiple parties" and what actual advice would you give the OP to get over this?
I don't think that anyone can get over it TBH,they may live with it but that's completely different.

The trust is broken and can never be fully repaired imo,there will always be a worry that he'll do it again ,it will always be in your mind OP ,the relationship has changed forever even if you stay together...it's a very tough decision to break up not least because legally it can be a drawn out difficult procedure but put yourself first (like he did) and don't stay with him for the sake of the kids,they'll be fine either way if you're both good parents..put yourself first would be my advice.

leggo

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

I mentioned the kids rights to a father.
It is a complicated issue that has received some good responses on this thread however your response is over simplified and does not take into account the other multiple parties.

Actually I did bring up the children in my first response:

leggo wrote: »

But then, as someone above said, you have to take stuff like the children into account and the type of relationship they’re going to grow up being around that’ll form the basis for every relationship they’ll ever have in the future. If you choose to continue and (rightfully) have trust issues as a result of this, they can read that and will likely grow up having to overcome trust issues themselves etc.

I think it's yourself who's over-simplifying tbh. What's your actual practical advice beyond "you haven't said he's a bad father so fix it"? What about the issues above? I was with an ex before whose father went around riding everything that moved when she was young. The mother looked the other way and, as a result, the ex was left with the most toxic views on relationships possible, regularly saying stuff like, "All relationships end so why put effort into someone if they'll just let you down?" and constantly sabotaging. And this stuff was embedded deep, there was no talking to her, she'd need years of counselling to remove it if she even ever got to the stage of seeing that. That's how badly you can **** up your children with this kind of carry on. Just putting up with cheating or a faulty relationship in general for the sake of the children doesn't necessarily fix things either, it can make things way worse.

Parents break up all the time and kids deal with it. The children wouldn't be losing their father here, just 24/7 access to him. However the OP responds, the kids will pick up on on some level and it'll help formulate their futures. Granted, she could absolutely find superhuman powers of forgiveness, get her husband to get his act together and be the glue that holds the family together and the children will learn that if you put work into a relationship, you can overcome anything. Then again, the scenario I've laid out above is equally likely if she stays with him. She could leave him and the children could learn that there are serious consequences when you betray your partner in a relationship and that they themselves shouldn't settle for less. There are a million scenarios I could paint, but the point is that the children will learn from whatever the OP does, and that breaking up is a perfectly valid option that they could recover 100% from. It's the OP who needs to weigh that up herself and come to a decision, and she shouldn't feel guilted into staying with a man who's betrayed her trust because "kids deserve their father." That's over-simplifying it and making it a fathers' rights issues. Their father is the one who's after creating this. He should've considered all of this when he decided to cheat. When you're married with kids and stick your dick in some strange, you risk the ability to see your children every day. We all know this, he knew this, yet he did it anyway. Some father.

redfox123

redfox123 wrote: »

There is no point going into why men do it, why some don't. It could go on forever. The only thing is to look at facts, he showed complete disregard for the OP and his kids, to an almost sociopathic level by doing it various times. There are plenty of men who would not do this, it comes down to values. A lot of people do or don't do things according to their values, and don't let their desires overrule that.
It doesn't matter how good a husband he was or how much she loves him, sadly, because the reality is she will never be happy with him again. You really can't begin to understand why he did what he did, the facts are there that he did it, and the only thing to do is leave him. I would not normally advise it, but unfortunately there would be no getting past this, long term it will always make her enormously unhappy, no matter what way you try to look at it.

The only chance of happiness is a clean slate, she couldn't stay with him and ever trust or forget what he did.
She probably feels she couldn't cope and the only person who she feels she should be able to get through this devastation with is the one person who did it to her. That's where the confusion lies, and why she is trying to understand it or find a way to make it bearable. But long term the only way towards being happy again is to end it. I think the OP knows this deep down but has to take the time for her to accept it. You can forgive a lot of things, we are all fallible and make mistakes, of course, but this was not a mistake, and in my and most people's opinion unforgivable.

Ah here, you've no way of knowing if those statements are true. Lots of marriages survive infidelity, research as shown that even a percentage of marriages are happier after infidelity (both parties recommit to the relationship and work on how they can make it better and stronger according to Esther Perel, afaik).

Additionally the science of happiness (for there is such a thing) tends to show that individuals have a level of happiness within a set band that they ultimately revert to after traumatic events.

I am by no means condoning what the OP's partner did btw, but I am merely trying to show there is a range of possibilities open to them.

strandroad

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

And nothing the OP has said would indicate that he is not a good father.
I am not sure why you think the situation cannot be fixed?? Of course it can. If all parties want and do their best to fix it then it can be overcome.
I never mentioned fathers rights. I mentioned the kids rights to a father.

It can be fixed but the fact that he is a competent father should not be the driving factor... otherwise we admit that competent parents are free to commit any other transgressions they like with no consequences. It doesn't feel like they did any actual work on it in their counselling if he never gave her a reason or an attempt at one. If he doesn't even know his reasons or triggers how is she supposed to trust that they will not show up again? It's an extremely vulnerable position to be in.

It really is down to OP to decide whether she can possibly rebuild her trust or not. And if she cannot, the changes his infidelities brought to the family are on him, not on her.

strandroad

strandroad wrote: »

It can be fixed but the fact that he is a competent father should not be the driving factor... otherwise we admit that competent parents are free to commit any other transgressions they like with no consequences. It doesn't feel like they did any actual work on it in their counselling if he never gave her a reason or an attempt at one. If he doesn't even know his reasons or triggers how is she supposed to trust that they will not show up again? It's an extremely vulnerable position to be in.

It really is down to OP to decide whether she can possibly rebuild her trust or not. And if she cannot, the changes his infidelities brought to the family are on him, not on her.

Not the driving factor but imo it should be a factor. No one is saying he should face no consequences but that it doesn't have to be ultimate consequence. This is far too complex an issue to be reduced to absolute terms, imo.

Neyite

He risked becoming a part time dad the moment he chose to cheat. It's not her actions threatening his fatherhood, it was his and he needs to own those actions. He does not get to hold her responsible for being unable to repair a marriage he broke.

OP, you cannot move forward and mend a relationship if he does not explain why he cheated, and why you can be sure that he will never do it again for you. It takes a lot more work to stay together after infidelity than break up, and both people need to be committed to making it work. The only way that works is that he is truly remorseful for what he's done, and is willing to answer any and all questions that you have about what he did. And you get to decide how long that process needs to take.

You should probably look at counselling. Even if you choose to separate, it can still help you both manage that process as amicably as you can for the children's sake. This book is often recommended for couples in the aftermath of infidelity and lots seem to have found it helpful.

Big Bag of Chips

If you separate, OP, it doesn't absolve him from his responsibilities as a father. He can still be a good father and provider, even though he has proven himself to be a sh*t husband. I assume you had agreed to be in a monogamous relationship? He can't just take the decision that you are no longer monogamous. He has taken that decision. You now have every right to decide that you are not willing to be in a relationship with a person who thinks nothing of being with other people. And you should never be made to feel at fault for deciding you cannot continue the relationship. It's a weak and cowardly to somehow try to blame you for not having the will and strength to be ok with that. Then again it's weak and cowardly to cheat on your wife and try dismiss it as no big deal. If it was no big deal he'd have let you know it was going on.

This is going to take a very very long time for you to get over. I can only imagine the upset, pain and confusion you are feeling. Take your time. And do whatever feels right for you.

Pawwed Rig

The clamour to break up a family in the last 20 posts or so is quite sickening.
There are kids involved here who posters here obviously do not give a crap about.
The OP has made only 2 posts in this thread. From reading just these this relationship has alot of potential to continue. Yes there will be work required from the OP and the cheating husband but with third party help and alot of communication the issues can be overcome.
We have been given a brief glimpse into someone's life. Nothing more.
People suggesting life changing decisions based on a few lines of text should be ashamed of themselves.

Airyfairy12

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

The clammer to break up a family in the last 20 posts or so is quite sickening.
There are kids involved here who posters here obviously do not give a crap about.
The OP has made only 2 posts in this thread. From reading just these this relationship has alot of potential to continue. Yes there will be work required from the OP and the cheating husband but with third party help and alot of communication the issues can be overcome.
We have been given a brief glimpse into someone's life. Nothing more.
People suggesting life changing decisions based on a few lines of text should be ashamed of themselves.

Sometimes seperating is the best option for the children. They'll still see both their parents and be well provided for, that isnt the issue. The OP needs to decide whats best for her and if that means separating and potentially meeting someone new in the future then I dont think she should be made to feel guilty for that. Her partner destroyed the marriage when he cheated, he didnt only cheat on her he destroyed his childrens happy home, disprespected their mother and the family unit.. he wanted his cake and to eat too, he played away from home more than once and now she has every right to leave him. This is entirely his fault, not hers. Noone should have to stay in a marriage were theyre disrespected and emotionally tormented by someone because they have children together.

KERSPLAT!

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

The clamour to break up a family in the last 20 posts or so is quite sickening.
There are kids involved here who posters here obviously do not give a crap about.
The OP has made only 2 posts in this thread. From reading just these this relationship has alot of potential to continue. Yes there will be work required from the OP and the cheating husband but with third party help and alot of communication the issues can be overcome.
We have been given a brief glimpse into someone's life. Nothing more.
People suggesting life changing decisions based on a few lines of text should be ashamed of themselves.

It's not the posts here that will cause the break up of a family, if it happens.

Ursus Horribilis

Not everybody is clamouring to break up that marriage. It would be great for everybody if the OP and her husband can get through this. Maybe they still can sort this. But in my opinion, things will have to move on from where they stand now. She's not wrong to feel the way she does. How can she forgive him and move on if she doesn't even know why he did it. There has got to be some reason why he deliberately left his hotel room and went on the pull. Repeatedly. Saying he doesn't know is a cop-out. How can she ever trust him again if the reason for this infidelity is still there? She didn't say if he still goes on business trips but if he does, you can bet your bottom dollar that she's wondering where he is and who he's with. It takes a lot of work to get over a break in trust.

bilbot79

I think an affair is worse. Lads need to park it. Life is an ongoing struggle to resist. He needs to make better decisions and drink less maybe. Again I think an affair is worse.

The reason you never even consider it is because you're female and are built for monogamy. You're not fighting anything but we blokes are built for polygamy and often fail at monogamy.

KERSPLAT!

bilbot79 wrote: »

I think an affair is worse. Lads need to park it. Life is an ongoing struggle to resist. He needs to make better decisions and drink less maybe. Again I think an affair is worse.

The reason you never even consider it is because you're female and are built for monogamy. You're not fighting anything but we blokes are built for polygamy and often fail at monogamy.

Us poor men, how do we ever keep it in our pants.

Addle

I don't think the OP wants to save the marriage, if she's honest.
She wouldn't have told people about their issues if she did.