Has anyone been in this position ?

Beckie72

At present my partner is getting increasingly violent, volatile moods and paranoid behaviour.
I have thought of going to a women's refuge only I have pets who are like family I have had them that long, also I need to go somewhere permanent not for a short time.
I wouldn't be able to get a barring order as he has a lot of friends and family in the area so if I did that I would need to contend with them, and be harrassed as has happened in the past when we broke up.
I lost my job as he would phone up checking if I was there if I asked him not to phone he would accuse me of not wanting him to find out that I wasn't there, that I was somewhere else sleeping with someone else.
He threatened to kill me when he suspected I was wanting to leave him before.
My doctor is keeping track of injuries he has caused to me for if ever I am in a position to use the information.
I can't get a transfer as whoever moved in here he could ask where I am, also I dont think they do inter county transfers anymore.
I just feel totaly stuck and dont know what I can do to get away.
Has anyone been in this situation and could tell me how they got away ?

.......

This post has been deleted.

koumi

My doctor is keeping track of injuries he has caused to me for if ever I am in a position to use the information.

Would your doctor be aware of the situation and be able to advise? If someone has caused you physical injury which has required medical attention is that not a good enough position to use that information? I'm sorry a bit confused atm, just can't figure out when if not now you would ever be in a position. (Is your doctor waiting for you make complaint to Gardai?)

silverharp

sounds very serious, I'd get on to one of the help lines that deal with this area.

Beckie72

koumi wrote: »

Would your doctor be aware of the situation and be able to advise? If someone has caused you physical injury which has required medical attention is that not a good enough position to use that information? I'm sorry a bit confused atm, just can't figure out when if not now you would ever be in a position. (Is your doctor waiting for you make complaint to Gardai?)

My doctor is waiting for me to make a complaint to the gardai,once im in a place of safety ot at a safe enough distance to make the complaint,then my doctor can forward the medical information onto the garda.

Beckie72

....... wrote: »

Have you any good friends or family who would take you and the pets?

Or just the pets, then you could go to a womans refuge?

Regarding the pets, a local animal charity might be able to find you a fosterer for a period of time until you get things sorted out.

Unfortunately id be to scared for my family to get them involved and he has distanced me from friends, making sure they knew they weren't wanted at the house or following me when I was meeting them letting them know he didn't trust them.
Thinking they would convince me to leave him

koumi

Beckie72 wrote: »

My doctor is waiting for me to make a complaint to the gardai,once im in a place of safety ot at a safe enough distance to make the complaint,then my doctor can forward the medical information onto the garda.

That's good to hear, I hope you get somewhere safe to stay. I know that you love your animals but maybe something short term for both of ye would help get things in motion for the longer term. I know I would love to give my animals a short holiday treat every now and again, some places have emergency accommodation and foster care facilities available in such situations, maybe you could look into those options and avail of short term accommodation for yourself in the meantime. It might be extreme but even if it meant travelling to a neighboring county until you were in a better position.
Do you have savings or access to lending facilities? Always helps to have a rainy day fund in these kind of situations.

December2012

Phone women’s aid NOW!

njs030

As above an animal charity may be able to help you with the animals by finding you a fosterer. Phone woman's aid and talk to them, they won't put you under pressure and will help you make a decision in your own time.

Beckie72

December2012 wrote: »

Phone women’s aid NOW!

I have been talking to them in the past, but with the situation being so complex I just really need information as to how I could move to another part of the country, I unfortunately dont have savings as he deals with the money,paying bills etc since I had to give my job up.
I cant leave my pets as he has said in the past he would get them put down if I were to leave, and I know he is unstable enough to do this.
Id be worried about going into a refuge then being told I had to come back here by the council, that they would simply get him out then send me back thinking that would be the end of it all,because it would all kick off badly if they did that.
Which is why im hoping someone on here might have been in this position before and might be able to offer me a ray of hope, that there is a chance of a fresh start and peace somewhere and sometime in the future, just so I can go another day or week of this.

koumi

I was in that situation many years ago, fortunately I had enough savings and used deposit of my rented accommodation to buy ticket to leave the country. I'm not sure I would recommend doing that without having good support structures in place, I had a young child with me at the time too which probably made things more complicated.

I don't know why but I always keep mind of such things and recently felt the need to up and move away again and discovered Wwoofing (working on organic farms) which is something I figured had it been available to me back then I'd definitely have jumped on as an alternative get away plan. There's an Irish website, lots of places available and you can make arrangements in advance, depending on what suits you the best. Accommodation, food, a safe space far away where no one can find you if thy don't have to and the idea of being engulfed in nature at it's finest would definitely help soothe some of the pain.

Airyfairy12

As mentioned ask an animal charity for help with a foster family for your pets. I have pets and know how theyre like family, most people with pets feel the same and would take really good care of yours as im sure theyd understand your attachment.
Can you reach out to old friends/family? anyone in your life with half a brain would help you out in this situation. If a friend from 20 years ago popped up out of the blue asking for a place to stay to get out of a horrific situation like the one youre in id help them out in a second. Surely your old friends wouldnt turn their backs on you and whats the harm in asking? call when your partners not home, delete the call history. What about extended family? could you stay with a cousin, aunt or uncle? Someone your partner wouldnt know too well?

Youre in an abusive relationship and you can't stay there, do whatever it takes to get out. x

charlietheminxx

I had a friend who got out of an abusive relationship last year. Like yourself, he had distanced her from all her friends and I hadn’t seen her in 3 years. I was still there for here the weekend she left him. Your friends probably know he was the problem and maybe get in touch with one he wouldn’t know much about (where they live etc.) and see if they can help. You just have to get yourself and your pets out of there. Nobody will force you to go back, especially with the evidence you have.

There’s some great advice above OP. Just know you’re not alone and you can get out of this.

HelgaWard

If you change nothing, nothing will change. You have to do something to get out of this situation. Ask your family/friend for help. You owe it to yourself. Be brave and go for it. You are full of excuses at the minute, it's a new year, give yourself a new start.

Beckie72

HelgaWard wrote: »

If you change nothing, nothing will change. You have to do something to get out of this situation. Ask your family/friend for help. You owe it to yourself. Be brave and go for it. You are full of excuses at the minute, it's a new year, give yourself a new start.

Unfortunately they aren't excuses, but the facts, and anyone who has been in touch with womens aid will tell you, the time that someone decides to make the move is the most dangerous and so that is why I have to be careful and check and double check every eventuality.
I also know from personal experience of ladies who left to go into women's refuges only for the council to return them to there home after moving the husband out of the house, due to it stating on the lease form this was what would happen in the event of marriage breakdown.
So no, not excuses, I am simply trying to clarify from anyone if they have been in this situation and been able to move away and stay away, having spoken to women's aid and my doctor, my doctor is all for me going but same as myself can't figure out how.
My friends from the past now look at me like dirt under their feet and cross the road, and the only family I have he knows of.
But thank you so very much for all your replies,it means so much that you have taken the time to give me help and advice.

nikkibikki

Can you contact the housing section of your county council and explain the situation? You need to go somewhere where he can't find you.

LegacyUser

Beckie72 wrote: »

I cant leave my pets as he has said in the past he would get them put down if I were to leave, and I know he is unstable enough to do this.

And he knows this, and knows you know it so as long as this is the situation you are stuck OP. Take the advice people have offered here and contact animal groups and see if you can have the animals fostered until you are able to retrieve them - better to have them away from you and safe then at risk from an unstable person. You don't have access to money and can't take them to a womens shelter so you need to re-home them. It will require planning but have them rehomed the same day you leave, go to a shelter and work with womans aid to get yourself rehomed far away from him and then get your animals back.

Don't sit waiting for another option to pop OP, get out now before he hurts the animals or you.

Mr. Incognito

Hello there.

First off well done on working up the courage.

You should do the following

1. Contact women's aid. They will be able to assist you
2. Contact the guards and have a plan put in place for you to leave. Ask the Doctor to forward the medical information to them
3. Contact a solicitor. They will be able to advise you on a barring order/ protection order.
4. Contact your family. He has isolated you from them but they are the safest place to be.

.......

This post has been deleted.

Beckie72

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Hello there.

First off well done on working up the courage.

You should do the following

1. Contact women's aid. They will be able to assist you
2. Contact the guards and have a plan put in place for you to leave. Ask the Doctor to forward the medical information to them
3. Contact a solicitor. They will be able to advise you on a barring order/ protection order.
4. Contact your family. He has isolated you from them but they are the safest place to be.

If I were to stay here my life would be hell, his family would see to that, when we split for a short time a few years ago the threats and abuse was terrible, even broken Windows and slashed car tires.
So if I was to get a barring order against him I couldn't get one against the whole family, which is what I would be up against, which is why I need to move somewhere he wouldn't be able to find me.
I wont put my family in danger by going to them, I cant go into details on here but im not exaggerating when I say his temper is very bad which is why my doctor and women's aid have said to proceed very very carefully as I was able to go into proper details with them.
I will go to the garda over the injuries he has caused but only when im at a safe distance and somewhere I know he cant find me.

Beckie72

can't log in wrote: »

And he knows this, and knows you know it so as long as this is the situation you are stuck OP. Take the advice people have offered here and contact animal groups and see if you can have the animals fostered until you are able to retrieve them - better to have them away from you and safe then at risk from an unstable person. You don't have access to money and can't take them to a womens shelter so you need to re-home them. It will require planning but have them rehomed the same day you leave, go to a shelter and work with womans aid to get yourself rehomed far away from him and then get your animals back.

Don't sit waiting for another option to pop OP, get out now before he hurts the animals or you.

Before I go into a refuge I am hoping to hear from other ladies who have been in my situation and not had to return to the same house they were living in, as the only people I have heard of in the past have had to do this, and I simply darent take that risk of having to return here.
Im extremely aware of the housing situation in the country, and am only to aware that im lucky to have a house so my worry is going to the refuge then getting sent back being told I cant be rehoused.
Thank you all for the suggestions of the farming only im a bit old for that but I am fully trained in another area not as strenuous as farming but where there are a lot of jobs going so once away I will be able to support myself.
Its just the getting away and being able to set roots first that is the problem.
But thankyou for all your support and advice it really does mean so much.

.......

This post has been deleted.

Samuel T. Cogley

OP I don't want to sound harsh but you seem to want everything to fall into place, and understandably so. However for your own personal safety, forget the pets, forget the job, forget about supporting yourself and get out. You never know when this is going to go that one step further which there is no coming back from.

It's incredibly hard, but you need to get help and get out ASAP.

Beckie72

Samuel T. Cogley wrote: »

OP I don't want to sound harsh but you seem to want everything to fall into place, and understandably so. However for your own personal safety, forget the pets, forget the job, forget about supporting yourself and get out. You never know when this is going to go that one step further which there is no coming back from.

It's incredibly hard, but you need to get help and get out ASAP.

Not a hope that I would forget my pets, and no im not wanting everything to simply fall into place, you have no idea what I have been doing to build myself up to the point I can think about leaving or having things docuemented or finding information out.
But thank you for your input no matter how wrong you are.

Beckie72

....... wrote: »

Try to secure a job in this and then get a houseshare for a few weeks til you sort out somewhere proper to rent.

I cant secure a job in it until im away as I wouldn't be able to explain my absence to him when I went for an interview, and unfortunately not many house shares accept pets.

Samuel T. Cogley

Beckie72 wrote: »

Not a hope that I would forget my pets, and no im not wanting everything to simply fall into place, you have no idea what I have been doing to build myself up to the point I can think about leaving or having things docuemented or finding information out.
But thank you for your input no matter how wrong you are.

I'm not wrong about you needing to get out. God forbid things go further than they have already and that's a real concern here given previous threats etc.

Get on to the help lines suggested and get to safety.

koumi

Beckie I've been trying to gather my thoughts in the hope that I might have something to offer you from my experience and while I don't want to get into the bones of it, I think really if I were to give my younger self the same advice what I would say to her would be to go to the guards.

My father had brought me to hospital where I received medical attention and following that to the local garda station, where despite my injuries I was reluctant to press charges. A female garda there took me into an interview room and was very kind and even though I refused to do anything, she didn't give up on me. In hindsight I wish I had followed her advice.

She often came to see me at my place of work (I worked in a coffee shop so it wouldn't have been unusual to see customers I knew outside of work) and stayed on my case for a long time. I thought she was just a nice person, but she was genuinely concerned and it was her concern which led to his being cautioned. I had been unaware that he had been following me but they knew and because she had been keeping an eye on things was able to catch him in action. After that he left of his own accord, probably in order to avoid prosecution and I was able to return home and lived in safety after that.

So what I would say to my younger self knowing what I know now is to trust the gaurds, I really hope that you will find one who was as exceptional as the one who's concern allowed me to raise my daughter free of a life of violence and abuse.
I don't know if this will help, but I hope it encourages you to consider all the options.
(also, I did have to leave for a couple of months until he had left but it was a relief to get away during that time. Some of the wwoofers are allowed to bring pets btw and the work, while physical isn't too laborious, no more so than maybe the type that you would in your own garden)

Whispered

Becky. Well done getting this far. please give http://clarehaven.ie/ a call. I have been very reliably told that they are the best DV group in Ireland. They will be able to advise you of your rights and how to get the help and support you need.

njs030

Beckie72 wrote: »

I cant secure a job in it until im away as I wouldn't be able to explain my absence to him when I went for an interview, and unfortunately not many house shares accept pets.

Would you be willing to put your pets in foster care until you can find another place of your own? Just that one question for now leaving aside everything else.

AtticusFinch86

My wife works as a domestic violence support worker. She has quite a lot of experience advising people in your situation. You should contact the local domestic violence service and speak with them. Many of them (if not all) offer anonymous out reach programs where you can meet a support worker in person at a location of your choosing and discuss your situation with them. They have seen it all before and can advise you on coping mechanisms, planning your exit, financial support and advice, and other nuances (e.g. What to do with your pets). This can all be done discreetly, your husband need not find out.

LegacyUser

Beckie72 wrote: »

Not a hope that I would forget my pets

OP several people have now asked about putting the pets into foster care but you've not commented on this. If you care about the animals you would remove them from the situation. You have stated your OH has threatened them as a way to control you. Why would you risk their safety?

Fakediamond

A friend of mine told me about a woman who got out by taking up a position as a live in carer/assistant for an elderly person. Like you, this woman had few supports or independent resources. She did have a part-time job but was not allowed to keep her earnings. People in her job helped her to plan her escape. She moved some clothes and personal stuff out gradually so he wouldn’t notice and they helped her with lifts etc to allow her to make her get-away. Because he didn’t know the people she would be working for, he had no connection to find her. She didn’t even tell family what she was planning, so they couldn’t be made to tell under pressure.

I do understand what you mean about the housing. I was shocked recently to discover that an abused person can’t transfer to another county’s housing list for safety reasons and must stay in their own area. Surely there could be a system that allowed swops to take place for people who need to get away for safety reasons?

Most pet charities will arrange a foster placement for your pets.

Planning is key and making your move when it’s safe to do so.

up for anything

When I left my ex to go into a refuge with my children back in 2010, I was leaving the marital mortgaged home. We were in the refuge for 8 weeks and then into a privately rented house with rent allowance. Our dog went with us (because I couldn't trust my ex a) to look after him and b) not to hold him over our heads to make us come back, and after a frantic search for someone to keep him I got him into a boarding kennels, luckily it was winter months and she wasn't busy and I got a reduced rate which my dad paid - €500. Pet rescues and shelters would only take him if I was giving him up for good in spite of me offering to pay for his keep as a foster dog. There was no question of giving him up as the kids would have devastated and so much changed in their lives in one night that losing him would have been the last straw.

I understand the fear that you are living with and I understand your fears and reserverations for the future and the difficulties you face in finding explainable away time to make arrangements. I have a few suggestions and you can shoot them down without feeling that you are being negative. I know you'll have gone over your options time and time again so you'll know immediately which ones are no good immediately.

I also understand the catch 22 situation which you could find yourself in regarding the council house and the last thing you need is your only option being to return there in the future. The refuge in your area should help you make a safe plan including helping you work out a pre-plan of what to do with your lease with the council. I would imagine the council has a DV advocate with whom you or they could speak with. Is it your name only on the lease for the house? How long has he lived there with you? Is he entitled to be there if you take your name off the lease without his knowledge? Can you legally do that if he has rights living there? If you take your name off the lease will they help you after a spell in a refuge with HAP or RAS or will they consider that you made yourself homeless? All questions that if the refuge don't know them from prior clients that they should be able to help find answers for you. They should also be able to make arrangements with a refuge much further away from where you live to transfer you to for your safety. In the refuge you have to see to yourself as much as possible as well as arrange for where you go when you leave so being in one where you will be in danger of bumping into his hostile relatives and friends never mind him is not a goer.

Look, if you want to post any questions that I can help find answers to, feel free. Do you want me to ring or call into my local county council offices to find out more about your situation. I don't need to know anything about you except perhaps how long you've been living in the house. Is it council or HAP/RAS? Is it borough or county council or corporation if it's in Dublin? Is your partner on the lease? Are you married to him (or maybe separated from someone else)? If not, how long has he lived there and how long have you held the lease? Then I could let you know if they need to know anything else in order to answer the questions on how you'd be fixed if you suddenly disappeared and gave up the lease. I could also find out if they do have DV advocates in all the county councils or borough councils. Anyhow, if you'd like me to do a bit of research for you, post on here. Don't PM me though as it's against the rules and for your own safety and mine. Just thought of more questions that they'd likely ask (speaking from broader experience than mine) - have the police ever been called to your house? Have you ever had a barring/protective order from the house that you've dropped? Let me know if you'd like me to find out. I'd imagine most councils have the same policies and I can check that too with them.

The animals I can't really help you with as every shelter and rescue will have different rules and regulations. Maybe if you give us an idea of what kind of animals and how many. You can just say large/medium or small or caged rather than describing giveaway information.