Confused over what girlfriend said

Boardno1

Jimbob77 wrote: »

thanks BOARDNO1. i don't understand how this could be a way of saying she wants a future with me. if she wanted a future with me, couldn't she just have said it without saying the strange thing that she wants a baby by me whether we are together or not. my head is wrecked with it. i don't know what to think

I know it's hard to understand but you never know. She might still be a bit bitter that you broke up and the reason she said 'if we're together or not'. Rather than worrying why don't you just ask her and tell her you're confused what she meant I'm sure she'll explain it and clear any doubt you have!

justfillmein

what do YOU want?
would you like to have a baby with this woman?

Jimbob77

justfillmein: i am deeply concerned about what she said. my view is a baby is best born into a loving stable family. And i cannot make any other sense out what she said than what others are telling me here. would you agree with them? or would you disagree and think I have no grounds to be nervous? i don't know what to think.

justfillmein

I think you should go by what YOU feel.
you are a grown man, and you dont need to feel pressured into doing something like this if it's not what you feel is right for you, or any future children you might have.
most people, including myself, would say it's waaaaay too soon(even though there are actually couples that have got pregnant quickly and it didn't always end bad).

i'm not sure though if she was trying to reassure you that she will be ok to parent alone if the situation gets to much for you, at any time, with your depression?
or does she just want a baby for herself and doesn't even want you on the scene at all?
that's something you would need to figure out.

you have seem to have the right attidude to having a baby so i'm surprised you need any help with this one.

rantyface

My interpretation of her statement is that she wants to have children and preferably with you. She's aware that you have depression and might leave or change your mind or find rearing a child too much, and in that case she won't hate you. She's also aware that you haven't been together very long, but given your respective ages it's now or never unfortunately.
I don't think it is unreasonable to want children and I don't think people should be so hard on women who feel that way. It's not sneaky and it's certainly not unusual.

gaynorvader

I'm going to go slightly against the grain here. At 35, she may be feeling that time is running out to have children and has made a rather rushed decision that you are the man she wants to make her baby. While it is quite strange and I'd certainly follow other posters' advice about ensuring you look after your contraception, it might be worthwhile to ask her why she doesn't just go to a sperm bank, or if there's another reason she needs you to be the father as it seems slightly odd if she doesn't want you to be a parent. It may just be that she hasn't thought it through in her own head and is in a bit of a panic to have a child.

Ursus Horribilis

Who would go to a sperm bank when they can have lots of unprotected sex for free with someone they already know? And someone who realistically can't/won't walk away from his responsibilities.

okiss

My advice is that you end things with her. Tell her you don't want a child with her and run as fast as possible away from her. Block her on Fb and on your phone. The truth is you suffer from depression and you ended things with her due to this. She is 35 and your 39.

I have to be honest if one of my friends/family said this to me I would be seriously thinking are they mentally stable? She is aware you suffer from depression. Would she not consider that if she got pregnant this could make your depression worse. I know some people really want a baby. The reality of having a baby can be hard for the strongest couples. I presume that you may own a house or apartment and at your age you could have a decent income.

It is quite possible she knows your in a financial position to support her and a baby so suddenly she says this to you. If you have a baby with her she will expect you to mind them to give her a brake and you will be paying support until that baby finishes school or college.
From what you have said about her I that her behaviour is one of a totally selfish person. We all would like certain things but as an adult we have to accept we can't get everything we want. To me a baby/ child deserves to have 2 parents that want them not a mother who hits 35 and decides I want a baby with out considering the father or the baby long term.

I want to tell you about a man I know who I will call John. John was left a house and money and even though he was not a great looking guy he had a few girlfriends over the years. He was keen to have his own family. He met this woman and introduced her to his friends. His friends noticed she was very bossy, domineering and was quite happy for him to pay for everything when him and her were out with friends. His friends told him what they noticed about her but he refused to listen to them.
Meanwhile she saw John set up and with a few months she was pregnant and living in his house. When her maternity leave was up she did not go back to work due to her poor pay and the cost of childcare. At this stage John has lost friends due to her. He is working long hours to keep the bills paid and he can't even take a phone call at home without her giving him the 3rd degree. Along with this they had to deal with a baby that cried almost non stop for several months.
At this stage his friends feel sorry for him but they warned him about her. Yes he has the baby he wanted but he is now having a miserable life.

Jimbob77

Thanks Okiss. Just some more background information. The depression became so bad recently I visited the Cliffs of Moher. Thankfully I didn't jump. I availed of some counselling from Pieta House to help. It is something i have had for a long time. It may be linked to the really severe OCD I experienced as a 12 year old, for which I was hospitalised for 6 weeks. I don't have a good job or any job in fact. I pick up 6 month contract roles here and there doing menial labouring jobs etc. Went to university and was training to be an accountant for a bit a long time ago. Didn't work out. Maybe depression related. No, I don't have a house and I live with my parents and have no savings etc. Could what she said be a messed up way of her thinking how to bring some stabilty into my life by having a baby, perhaps?

Big Bag of Chips

I think you are over thinking and over analysing. All you can go on is the words she said. And the words she said are: I want a baby. I don't care if you're involved or not.

So there is no point in guessing or analysing or thinking maybe she meant something else, or maybe she said it to encourage you to do something or other. She wants a baby. She doesn't care whether or not the baby grows up with a father. As a result she doesn't particularly care WHO the father is. She made the proposition to you, because you're close. You're the most likely candidate. If you don't agree to it and end all contact with her, don't be surprised of you hear in a years time that she's pregnant.

I think you are in very vulnerable state and she is exploiting that. You don't seem confident enough to make any decision for yourself. Even ending it with her wasn't really your decision. You decided to end it because of your depression. She is not thinking of you. She is not thinking of a future child who will almost certainly feel the effects of growing up without a father. The questions it will bring. The sense of loss, abandonment that a child who's father disappears without a trace brings to a child.

You should only ever consider having a child with a person that you intend being a family with. Raising children is tough and can throw up all sorts of challenges. Sometimes the parents don't always make it through together. But the intention is usually good from the start. Starting off from where she is suggesting is a crazy and irresponsible thing to do.

Please don't think this a suggestion or a nudge to try to help you improve your life. It's not. It's a selfish suggestion from a selfish person who hasn't thought past a cute baby wrapped up asleep in a buggy.

Jimbob77

Thanks Big Bag of Chips
She says she wants me to be the father and that she wants me around. I cannot understand why she would say "whether we are together or not" if that is the case. She did say in an e-mail she has always wanted a baby and the thoughts of a baby "almost consumed [her] on a nightly basis over the past 5 years." Totally confused.
I just don't want to end up having a baby with someone whose primary concern seems to be having a baby and then their secondary concern is whether or not the relationship works out. Surely her only concern should be having a baby with someone in a relationship which she is confident will work.
Or in other words if she has any doubts about the relationship or me generally, she shouldn't be planning a baby.
I am trying to look for her perspective and give he the benefit of the doubt but she couldn't explain it coherently to me.
Did she just say it in a messed up way?

Big Bag of Chips

All you need to know is she has an all consuming desire to have a baby, quote "whether [you] are together or not". That means she wants a baby. Not she wants a baby with you. Why would she says she wants a baby with you, and then tell you you don't have to be involved? Having a baby isn't a spur of the moment decision. It's a decision that will stay with you for the rest of your life. In 50 years time, it will still be a huge part of your life. "Whether you are together or not".

Do you want a child? Now? In 50 years time? Do you want the responsibility? Financial responsibility? For the next roughly 20 years? What happens if you give her the child she wants, and she tells you you can go and do what you like with no responsibility to your child? Yet she soon figures out being a single mother is tough. Really tough. So she chases you for maintenance? Tells you you need to step up to your responsibilities? What if it gets messy and she tells your child that you wanted nothing to do with them? Your child will only be a child for a very very short time. So before you know it you have a upset and angry adult contacting you wondering why you had no interest in them? What if you meet someone you really do want to have a family with, yet you are restricted by your financial responsibilities to an ex who won't let you see your child? Your weekends and holidays are dictated by an ex who is bitter that she's left doing all the work while you go off living your life?

You need to sort your head out, OP. You need to get away from your ex (is she your ex, it's hard to tell). You need to stop even considering this ridiculous suggestion. If she wants to be with you, she'll be with you, with or without a baby. If she wants a baby, she'll have a baby with or without you. (If you don't want a baby with her then you are the one who needs to make sure she doesn't have a baby with you)

Ursus Horribilis

Jimbob77 wrote: »

Thanks Big Bag of Chips
She says she wants me to be the father and that she wants me around. I cannot understand why she would say "whether we are together or not" if that is the case. She did say in an e-mail she has always wanted a baby and the thoughts of a baby "almost consumed [her] on a nightly basis over the past 5 years." Totally confused.

You're getting yourself tied up in knots over the bit about whether you're together or not and missing the main point here. She wants a baby. She wants one so badly it has been consuming her for 5 years. Would I be right in guessing that she has been mostly single during this time?

This woman is now 35 years old and is at the age when women's fertility starts going down the Swanee. As things stand, she has a sperm donor (you) within easy reach who can make her pregnant and give her what she wants. A baby. To me, what she has said is crystal clear. You're a very lucky man you're not already an expectant father.

Bambi985

Jimbob77 wrote: »

Just some more background information. The depression became so bad recently I visited the Cliffs of Moher. Thankfully I didn't jump. I availed of some counselling from Pieta House to help. It is something i have had for a long time. It may be linked to the really severe OCD I experienced as a 12 year old, for which I was hospitalised for 6 weeks. I don't have a good job or any job in fact. I pick up 6 month contract roles here and there doing menial labouring jobs etc. Went to university and was training to be an accountant for a bit a long time ago. Didn't work out. Maybe depression related. No, I don't have a house and I live with my parents and have no savings etc. Could what she said be a messed up way of her thinking how to bring some stabilty into my life by having a baby, perhaps?

This is really alarming. I'm glad you didn't jump OP, and your focus for 2018 should be making sure that you never make your way back to those cliffs again. Making sure you find some stability and contentment in your life. Building up your self esteem and setting yourself some personal goals to reclaim your life.

It is glaringly obvious to all of us and probably deep-down to you, that she is not a part of this plan. Sometimes when you're vulnerable and at a low point in life, you can draw the wrong type of people into your life and not realise it because your judgement is not what it should be. You can look for what you need in the wrong places. What you need is love, nurturing and understanding. What you're getting from this woman is drama, head-fcuk and a total lack of consideration of your needs. She wants a baby and that's all that matters to her and it will take priority over your mental health and well-being and she just doesn't care.

I think you are over-analysing her words to desperately find the love and the consideration that you need in them - maybe this is her way of helping you? And sadly OP, it is not. She wants a baby and that is the bottom line.

I really hope you can find the strength to make the right decision for yourself and move forward with your life. You deserve a lot more than this x

Jimbob77

Thanks Bambi985, that was a kind post

punisher5112

Run seriously I've had one or 2 used me completely and let's say I'm extremely lucky they didn't fall pregnant as I would now be paying for their lifestyle.

Emme

OP she probably likes you but she likes the idea of a baby even more. I would advise you to extricate yourself from her and don't have s*x with her again. Some people are incredibly selfish, they want to have a child to satisfy an urge within themselves, not because they feel they can offer a child a good life. Biological urges are one thing but you need to be able to offer a child a secure future and not have the child for selfish reasons. You sound a lot more responsible than she does.

Run.

um7y1h83ge06nx

Run, hop into your car, throw it into first and get the **** out of the place, that bitch is crazy!

Please, keep your life simple and get out of there.

clairewithani

Does this girl know about your depression a VVD about you hoping to cliffs of Moher?

Jimbob77

Hi Clairewithani, yes, she knows everything. She knows my issues. She knows I went to Cliffs of Moher to end it. When the relationship started I was honest and told her everything. I didn't hide anything as that wouldn't have been fair or a solid foundation for a long relationship.

clairewithani

Well if you told her that her whole focus should be on supporting you and helping you through this. If she wants to be with you in the future. I am sorry but it looks like people are right. She just wants a baby.

clairewithani

I think you have enough going on in your head and in your life right now. I think you need to end it and focus on your own wellbeing.

George Sunsnow

Jimbob77 wrote: »

thanks BOARDNO1. i don't understand how this could be a way of saying she wants a future with me. if she wanted a future with me, couldn't she just have said it without saying the strange thing that she wants a baby by me whether we are together or not. my head is wrecked with it. i don't know what to think

Well at least she was open about it!

To be fair to her and putting on my devils advocate hat,I’d say the following
You broke up with her once already
She could be thinking you’d be good dad material and she doesn’t want to lose that prospect in the light of your mood swing that broke things off

Something like that should only go forward of course if you want it to and you may not be ready for it by the sounds of things?
You don’t know each other very long which is the concern

Jimbob77

An update on events: Back in January I posted looking for peoples's opinions on what my one-time girlfriend said one day. The actual course of events is that she said what she said way back in June 2016 and lo and behold she got pregnant deliberately a few months later. I got a phone call after I had broken up with her for the third time to say she was pregnant. I tried to do the decent thing for about two months but she was never interested in a relationship, just a child. She is 35. Roll forward to the present, I am now a single dad, hopelessly depressed, with a child 200km away by a woman who just used me for a child. I live with parents I detest, don't work, have no friends and have no interest in anything. I attend a HSE psychiatrist, who's modus operandi is prescribe anti-depressants, which have never worked for me. The baby is 6 months old and I have barely seen him- he is 200km away. Any advice now? (Note: I should have asked for advice way back in 2016 when she said what she said and then run)

GingerLily

Why don't you work? How can you get into the work force? Can you get a job working near your child?

Michellenman

So when you posted in jan 2018 asking for advice for a hypothetical pregnancy situation you had actually already had a child from that scenario? Wtf?

Jimbob77

I have had about 20 different jobs. Literally, 20. Got a university degree 20 years ago. i get really depressed/****ed up every now and then and no job lasts and also there was a recession. I know the economy is booming now and I need to get a job and keep it. I am 40. I fell totally totally hopeless.

Jimbob77

Yes Michellanman, I posted because I wanted people's opinions on what they would have done

GingerLily

Jimbob77 wrote: »

Yes Michellanman, I posted because I wanted people's opinions on what they would have done

Why are you living in the past though?

You have a serious situation on your hands - there is no point dwelling on things you can't change.

Do you want to be involved in your child's life?

utyh2ikcq9z76b

Get a DNA test, go from there