Confused over what girlfriend said

Jimbob77

Hi
I am looking for peoples' opinion on what my girlfriend said to me one day earlier this week. I personally think it was a strange thing for her to say but would love to hear peoples' views. My head is melted with it.
The background is we are dating 5 months. I got depressed 6 weeks ago and broke it off saying she would be better off without me. I have a history of depression. Anyhow after a 4 week break we got back together 2 weeks ago and then this week she drops this bombshell: "I want to have a baby by you whether we are together or not" She went on to say "you can still be part of the baby's life even if we are not together and if you don't want to be part of the baby's life if you are gone before the child is 3 they won't miss you as they won't remember you"

What are people's views? Is this a strange thing to say? Is she baby mad? Why would someone say this? your views would be really really appreciated

SimpleDimples

I wouldn't be trusting her to make any decision regarding contraception if I were you.

ebbsy

I would exit stage left. Just my own opinion.

She sees you as a means to an end. She is clearly not mature enough for a relationship. If I were you I would run before she gets pregnant.

This is not the kind of life you want to build for yourself.

Jimbob77

just some further info. I am 39 years old. She is 35.

wirelessdude01

Definitely be using condoms that you know haven't been tampered with. She sounds like she is viewing you as a sperm daddy.

tusk

The worrisome thing here is what if that does happen and you find yourself with a child and a broken relationship. I guess that would not help and may potentially exacerbate your depression.

For me, what she said is very toxic, especially as you just broke up. As someone else mentioned, it looks like you're just going to be a tool to get her what she really wants. And if she's aware that you suffer from depression, this is even more frightening to he honest.

You should be very careful I think.

Stheno

Jimbob77 wrote: »

just some further info. I am 39 years old. She is 35.

run.

Regardless of what she says she can pursue you for maintenance for years

Ursus Horribilis

You don't think this is an unhinged thing to say?

Tigger99

Yeah it's not a normal thing to say by any stretch. I couldn't trust someone after that statement. Jesus, you don't even seem to get a say here.

dobman88

Run, away, far and fast. Now. Delete her number, don't contact her.

Ursus Horribilis

For all you know, it could be too late already and she may be "with child" as we speak. Hopefully not but this is a warning you should heed. Her biological clock is ticking and perhaps the break-up clarified things for her regarding having a baby.

I don't usually advise people to run but in this case you should. As fast as your legs can carry you.

Stheno

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I don't usually advise people to run but in this case you should. As fast as your legs can carry you.

faster, as if he is in the 100m final in the Olympics against Usain Bolt

op women who are at that age can get concerned that time is running out for them when it comes to having children

Jimbob77

or am i just paranoid? i don't know what to think

Ursus Horribilis

So what do you think she wants? You've been given a unanimous answer from everyone so far.

Lisha

Jimbob77 wrote: »

or am i just paranoid? i don't know what to think

Do you want to have a child with someone you don’t love?

Do yiu want to have a child eith some one who treats you badly and who just wants you to provide money.?

Look at it this way, so many people love each other, get married, have babies and then they break up. It’s toxic and never easy even fur the most committed parents. Once a relationship breaks down, coparenting becomes very difficult.

Why would you put yourself (or a child) through that.

I’d run. If you stay then be so so wary if contraception. Protect yourself.

Wesser

She is trying to control you. Just leave her.

SimpleDimples

Jimbob77 wrote: »

or am i just paranoid? i don't know what to think

You aren't paranoid.

She is basically telling you she wants your sperm. End of. She doesn't give a hoot if you are involved or not. I can guarantee you she will have an "accidential" pregnancy at the next possible opportunity.

Consider this a warning. RUN

SuperSean11

Get out of there and by god if you’re having sex on your way out the door use your own condoms, the pill fails and condoms break in these situations

Ursus Horribilis

She could already be pregnant and softening you up for the "news".

beertons

Don't stick anything in crazy any more. She's looking for an income, and you're it.

WIZWEB

It's an insane statement she made. Your needs and ultimately a possible babies needs are all superseded by her selfishness. You need to extradite yourself from this drama and work on yourself.

leggo

Run.
Don’t have sex with her ever again, not once.
If she turns up pregnant, tell her you’ll be needing a paternity test before making any decision on your level of involvement (if she wants a baby this badly, don’t assume she’s not also seeking other sperm donors, at least in the time you were broken up).

This girl is next level crazy. To say this without the self-awareness to realise how mental it sounds? Like wherever you are right now reading this, I’d symbolically start sprinting somewhere right now, just to hammer the point home of what you need to do.

Boardno1

Jimbob77 wrote: »

Hi
I am looking for peoples' opinion on what my girlfriend said to me one day earlier this week. I personally think it was a strange thing for her to say but would love to hear peoples' views. My head is melted with it.
The background is we are dating 5 months. I got depressed 6 weeks ago and broke it off saying she would be better off without me. I have a history of depression. Anyhow after a 4 week break we got back together 2 weeks ago and then this week she drops this bombshell: "I want to have a baby by you whether we are together or not" She went on to say "you can still be part of the baby's life even if we are not together and if you don't want to be part of the baby's life if you are gone before the child is 3 they won't miss you as they won't remember you"

What are people's views? Is this a strange thing to say? Is she baby mad? Why would someone say this?  your views would be really really appreciated

Maybe this is a messed up way of her letting you know she does want to be with you? Very messed up I admit.
She might still be hurting from you ending it with her and she just wants you to know she wants a future with you but it come out the wrong way..

Jimbob77

thanks BOARDNO1. i don't understand how this could be a way of saying she wants a future with me. if she wanted a future with me, couldn't she just have said it without saying the strange thing that she wants a baby by me whether we are together or not. my head is wrecked with it. i don't know what to think

Ursus Horribilis

You're only together 5 months. You hardly know her in the grand scale of things. The mask has slipped in my opinion and you've been given a glimpse into how her mind works. If you think this is in any way normal then go ahead and continue the relationship. It's notable that the only thread you're grasping is the one that offers hope. The rest of us aren't telling you to avoid sex and to run just for the craic. If you find yourself with an unplanned pregnancy don't say you weren't warned. She has told you exactly what she wants. A baby. If I was a bloke I'd be exiting stage left.

Jimbob77

thanks Ursus

Jimbob77

Jimbob77 wrote: »

thanks BOARDNO1. i don't understand how this could be a way of saying she wants a future with me. if she wanted a future with me, couldn't she just have said it without saying the strange thing that she wants a baby by me whether we are together or not. my head is wrecked with it. i don't know what to think

Could be a fear of rejection causing her to say it in this manner. We're strange creatures.

On a completely separate notes, it boils my blood at the thought of someone willingly bringing a child into a single parent family. So selfish.

Bambi985

She's 35 and freaking out about her fertility declining with age. She's not sure if you have a future together as your relationship is obviously not the most stable, but doesn't want to miss the baby boat so is trying to safeguard against wasting her few fertile years left with you. Forward-planning, as it were.

No it's not a normal thing to say and yes it's the sign of a baby-mad woman who just wants a donor, any donor, but don't say you haven't been warned. She's spelled it out in black and white, now you just have to decide if you're OK with it or not.

JupiterKid

Given the brevity of the relationship and your mental health issues, the mention of wanting to have a baby - at any cost it seems - would be a huge red flag to me. If I were you OP I’d extricate myself from the relationship as fast as possible. Heed the advice practically everyone on this thread has given you.

punisher5112

Lad you have been warned.

You will forever be at her mercy and will probably never get access whether wanted or not.

Please listen to your head and everyone else on here she wants her forever home and a child to get it for her and payments from you run.... Seriously run run run......

Boardno1

Jimbob77 wrote: »

thanks BOARDNO1. i don't understand how this could be a way of saying she wants a future with me. if she wanted a future with me, couldn't she just have said it without saying the strange thing that she wants a baby by me whether we are together or not. my head is wrecked with it. i don't know what to think

I know it's hard to understand but you never know. She might still be a bit bitter that you broke up and the reason she said 'if we're together or not'. Rather than worrying why don't you just ask her and tell her you're confused what she meant I'm sure she'll explain it and clear any doubt you have!

justfillmein

what do YOU want?
would you like to have a baby with this woman?

Jimbob77

justfillmein: i am deeply concerned about what she said. my view is a baby is best born into a loving stable family. And i cannot make any other sense out what she said than what others are telling me here. would you agree with them? or would you disagree and think I have no grounds to be nervous? i don't know what to think.

justfillmein

I think you should go by what YOU feel.
you are a grown man, and you dont need to feel pressured into doing something like this if it's not what you feel is right for you, or any future children you might have.
most people, including myself, would say it's waaaaay too soon(even though there are actually couples that have got pregnant quickly and it didn't always end bad).

i'm not sure though if she was trying to reassure you that she will be ok to parent alone if the situation gets to much for you, at any time, with your depression?
or does she just want a baby for herself and doesn't even want you on the scene at all?
that's something you would need to figure out.

you have seem to have the right attidude to having a baby so i'm surprised you need any help with this one.

rantyface

My interpretation of her statement is that she wants to have children and preferably with you. She's aware that you have depression and might leave or change your mind or find rearing a child too much, and in that case she won't hate you. She's also aware that you haven't been together very long, but given your respective ages it's now or never unfortunately.
I don't think it is unreasonable to want children and I don't think people should be so hard on women who feel that way. It's not sneaky and it's certainly not unusual.

gaynorvader

I'm going to go slightly against the grain here. At 35, she may be feeling that time is running out to have children and has made a rather rushed decision that you are the man she wants to make her baby. While it is quite strange and I'd certainly follow other posters' advice about ensuring you look after your contraception, it might be worthwhile to ask her why she doesn't just go to a sperm bank, or if there's another reason she needs you to be the father as it seems slightly odd if she doesn't want you to be a parent. It may just be that she hasn't thought it through in her own head and is in a bit of a panic to have a child.

Ursus Horribilis

Who would go to a sperm bank when they can have lots of unprotected sex for free with someone they already know? And someone who realistically can't/won't walk away from his responsibilities.

okiss

My advice is that you end things with her. Tell her you don't want a child with her and run as fast as possible away from her. Block her on Fb and on your phone. The truth is you suffer from depression and you ended things with her due to this. She is 35 and your 39.

I have to be honest if one of my friends/family said this to me I would be seriously thinking are they mentally stable? She is aware you suffer from depression. Would she not consider that if she got pregnant this could make your depression worse. I know some people really want a baby. The reality of having a baby can be hard for the strongest couples. I presume that you may own a house or apartment and at your age you could have a decent income.

It is quite possible she knows your in a financial position to support her and a baby so suddenly she says this to you. If you have a baby with her she will expect you to mind them to give her a brake and you will be paying support until that baby finishes school or college.
From what you have said about her I that her behaviour is one of a totally selfish person. We all would like certain things but as an adult we have to accept we can't get everything we want. To me a baby/ child deserves to have 2 parents that want them not a mother who hits 35 and decides I want a baby with out considering the father or the baby long term.

I want to tell you about a man I know who I will call John. John was left a house and money and even though he was not a great looking guy he had a few girlfriends over the years. He was keen to have his own family. He met this woman and introduced her to his friends. His friends noticed she was very bossy, domineering and was quite happy for him to pay for everything when him and her were out with friends. His friends told him what they noticed about her but he refused to listen to them.
Meanwhile she saw John set up and with a few months she was pregnant and living in his house. When her maternity leave was up she did not go back to work due to her poor pay and the cost of childcare. At this stage John has lost friends due to her. He is working long hours to keep the bills paid and he can't even take a phone call at home without her giving him the 3rd degree. Along with this they had to deal with a baby that cried almost non stop for several months.
At this stage his friends feel sorry for him but they warned him about her. Yes he has the baby he wanted but he is now having a miserable life.

Jimbob77

Thanks Okiss. Just some more background information. The depression became so bad recently I visited the Cliffs of Moher. Thankfully I didn't jump. I availed of some counselling from Pieta House to help. It is something i have had for a long time. It may be linked to the really severe OCD I experienced as a 12 year old, for which I was hospitalised for 6 weeks. I don't have a good job or any job in fact. I pick up 6 month contract roles here and there doing menial labouring jobs etc. Went to university and was training to be an accountant for a bit a long time ago. Didn't work out. Maybe depression related. No, I don't have a house and I live with my parents and have no savings etc. Could what she said be a messed up way of her thinking how to bring some stabilty into my life by having a baby, perhaps?

Big Bag of Chips

I think you are over thinking and over analysing. All you can go on is the words she said. And the words she said are: I want a baby. I don't care if you're involved or not.

So there is no point in guessing or analysing or thinking maybe she meant something else, or maybe she said it to encourage you to do something or other. She wants a baby. She doesn't care whether or not the baby grows up with a father. As a result she doesn't particularly care WHO the father is. She made the proposition to you, because you're close. You're the most likely candidate. If you don't agree to it and end all contact with her, don't be surprised of you hear in a years time that she's pregnant.

I think you are in very vulnerable state and she is exploiting that. You don't seem confident enough to make any decision for yourself. Even ending it with her wasn't really your decision. You decided to end it because of your depression. She is not thinking of you. She is not thinking of a future child who will almost certainly feel the effects of growing up without a father. The questions it will bring. The sense of loss, abandonment that a child who's father disappears without a trace brings to a child.

You should only ever consider having a child with a person that you intend being a family with. Raising children is tough and can throw up all sorts of challenges. Sometimes the parents don't always make it through together. But the intention is usually good from the start. Starting off from where she is suggesting is a crazy and irresponsible thing to do.

Please don't think this a suggestion or a nudge to try to help you improve your life. It's not. It's a selfish suggestion from a selfish person who hasn't thought past a cute baby wrapped up asleep in a buggy.

Jimbob77

Thanks Big Bag of Chips
She says she wants me to be the father and that she wants me around. I cannot understand why she would say "whether we are together or not" if that is the case. She did say in an e-mail she has always wanted a baby and the thoughts of a baby "almost consumed [her] on a nightly basis over the past 5 years." Totally confused.
I just don't want to end up having a baby with someone whose primary concern seems to be having a baby and then their secondary concern is whether or not the relationship works out. Surely her only concern should be having a baby with someone in a relationship which she is confident will work.
Or in other words if she has any doubts about the relationship or me generally, she shouldn't be planning a baby.
I am trying to look for her perspective and give he the benefit of the doubt but she couldn't explain it coherently to me.
Did she just say it in a messed up way?

Big Bag of Chips

All you need to know is she has an all consuming desire to have a baby, quote "whether [you] are together or not". That means she wants a baby. Not she wants a baby with you. Why would she says she wants a baby with you, and then tell you you don't have to be involved? Having a baby isn't a spur of the moment decision. It's a decision that will stay with you for the rest of your life. In 50 years time, it will still be a huge part of your life. "Whether you are together or not".

Do you want a child? Now? In 50 years time? Do you want the responsibility? Financial responsibility? For the next roughly 20 years? What happens if you give her the child she wants, and she tells you you can go and do what you like with no responsibility to your child? Yet she soon figures out being a single mother is tough. Really tough. So she chases you for maintenance? Tells you you need to step up to your responsibilities? What if it gets messy and she tells your child that you wanted nothing to do with them? Your child will only be a child for a very very short time. So before you know it you have a upset and angry adult contacting you wondering why you had no interest in them? What if you meet someone you really do want to have a family with, yet you are restricted by your financial responsibilities to an ex who won't let you see your child? Your weekends and holidays are dictated by an ex who is bitter that she's left doing all the work while you go off living your life?

You need to sort your head out, OP. You need to get away from your ex (is she your ex, it's hard to tell). You need to stop even considering this ridiculous suggestion. If she wants to be with you, she'll be with you, with or without a baby. If she wants a baby, she'll have a baby with or without you. (If you don't want a baby with her then you are the one who needs to make sure she doesn't have a baby with you)

Ursus Horribilis

Jimbob77 wrote: »

Thanks Big Bag of Chips
She says she wants me to be the father and that she wants me around. I cannot understand why she would say "whether we are together or not" if that is the case. She did say in an e-mail she has always wanted a baby and the thoughts of a baby "almost consumed [her] on a nightly basis over the past 5 years." Totally confused.

You're getting yourself tied up in knots over the bit about whether you're together or not and missing the main point here. She wants a baby. She wants one so badly it has been consuming her for 5 years. Would I be right in guessing that she has been mostly single during this time?

This woman is now 35 years old and is at the age when women's fertility starts going down the Swanee. As things stand, she has a sperm donor (you) within easy reach who can make her pregnant and give her what she wants. A baby. To me, what she has said is crystal clear. You're a very lucky man you're not already an expectant father.

Bambi985

Jimbob77 wrote: »

Just some more background information. The depression became so bad recently I visited the Cliffs of Moher. Thankfully I didn't jump. I availed of some counselling from Pieta House to help. It is something i have had for a long time. It may be linked to the really severe OCD I experienced as a 12 year old, for which I was hospitalised for 6 weeks. I don't have a good job or any job in fact. I pick up 6 month contract roles here and there doing menial labouring jobs etc. Went to university and was training to be an accountant for a bit a long time ago. Didn't work out. Maybe depression related. No, I don't have a house and I live with my parents and have no savings etc. Could what she said be a messed up way of her thinking how to bring some stabilty into my life by having a baby, perhaps?

This is really alarming. I'm glad you didn't jump OP, and your focus for 2018 should be making sure that you never make your way back to those cliffs again. Making sure you find some stability and contentment in your life. Building up your self esteem and setting yourself some personal goals to reclaim your life.

It is glaringly obvious to all of us and probably deep-down to you, that she is not a part of this plan. Sometimes when you're vulnerable and at a low point in life, you can draw the wrong type of people into your life and not realise it because your judgement is not what it should be. You can look for what you need in the wrong places. What you need is love, nurturing and understanding. What you're getting from this woman is drama, head-fcuk and a total lack of consideration of your needs. She wants a baby and that's all that matters to her and it will take priority over your mental health and well-being and she just doesn't care.

I think you are over-analysing her words to desperately find the love and the consideration that you need in them - maybe this is her way of helping you? And sadly OP, it is not. She wants a baby and that is the bottom line.

I really hope you can find the strength to make the right decision for yourself and move forward with your life. You deserve a lot more than this x

Jimbob77

Thanks Bambi985, that was a kind post

punisher5112

Run seriously I've had one or 2 used me completely and let's say I'm extremely lucky they didn't fall pregnant as I would now be paying for their lifestyle.

Emme

OP she probably likes you but she likes the idea of a baby even more. I would advise you to extricate yourself from her and don't have s*x with her again. Some people are incredibly selfish, they want to have a child to satisfy an urge within themselves, not because they feel they can offer a child a good life. Biological urges are one thing but you need to be able to offer a child a secure future and not have the child for selfish reasons. You sound a lot more responsible than she does.

Run.

um7y1h83ge06nx

Run, hop into your car, throw it into first and get the **** out of the place, that bitch is crazy!

Please, keep your life simple and get out of there.

clairewithani

Does this girl know about your depression a VVD about you hoping to cliffs of Moher?

Jimbob77

Hi Clairewithani, yes, she knows everything. She knows my issues. She knows I went to Cliffs of Moher to end it. When the relationship started I was honest and told her everything. I didn't hide anything as that wouldn't have been fair or a solid foundation for a long relationship.