Now Ye're Talking - to an adoptee

coleen

I'm Adopted, AMA wrote: »

I'm so sorry that your sister and her daughter are going through this. The tween years are a tough age and to add this on top of that, I can understand why your niece is acting out.

As for the sense of rejection, I did and still do at times feel very much rejected by my genetic family. Particularly because they made it very clear in the files that they never wanted me in the first place. I was put up for adoption because they didn't want me. So yes, I felt it very keenly.

On the other hand, my parents made it very clear that they chose me. Of all the kids in all the world, they chose me and my brother to be their own. My dad told me once that they actually only had 24 hours to decide whether or not to take us, they had never met us, but they said yes. They chose us. They chose me.

Knowing and believing in that choice helps counter the feelings of rejection.

I hope that your sister and niece will develop a loving relationship and that this season of anger and hurt for your niece will pass. Getting her therapy to work through it all is a great gift. I really hope it all works out well for them.

They do have a good relationship but unfortunately they were unable to adopt a second child even though they wanted to .i feel it would help if she was not an only child . My sister and her husband have taken great care to keep her in contact with her birth grandparents so that it might help her to know where she came from. But she is hurting now that she feels she was given away and now a new baby has been kept . Hopefully therapy will help her deal with it but even though she has a happy life I am sure she will feel that rejection.

I'm Adopted, AMA

Nokia6230i wrote: »

Regarding your brother who has rejected your parents, can you tell me did he go back to your genetic parents?

I can only imagine the chasm this has created. not on "both" but on all sides, and there's quite an amount of healing to be done but I don't know if I'd have the understanding to get there.

Thank you so much for doing this AMA by the way; there's parts of it that are certainly not easy for you.

Yes the anonymity helps but you're still the one answering the questions, revisiting the memories, dealing with the negative outcomes.

I am delighted however your parents & siblings've so much love for you; this is how integration can work here in Ireland too.

I'm not sure if my brother contacted our genetic family, but I wouldn't be surprised if he had.

It has been hard, seeing the heartbreak this has caused my family and feeling so helpless and far away. My heart breaks for my brother too and it hurts not being close to him. He's my blood, the only blood I have, so the loss is something I have grieved for too.

Healing comes with time, and it might sound harsh but just living my life and being busy and having friends has helped me. There really is nothing I can do except live my life, and so I do.

I'm Adopted, AMA

coleen wrote: »

They do have a good relationship but unfortunately they were unable to adopt a second child even though they wanted to .i feel it would help if she was not an only child . My sister and her husband have taken great care to keep her in contact with her birth grandparents so that it might help her to know where she came from. But she is hurting now that she feels she was given away and now a new baby has been kept . Hopefully therapy will help her deal with it but even though she has a happy life I am sure she will feel that rejection.

I felt the same, when I found out our older sibling has stayed with our genetic father. I didn't know why and it felt really hurtful. Why did he give me up but not our sister? And then, when we met and it was all about how hard it was to give up my brother, it was rejection all over again. I realise now that i still don't know why our sister stayed with him. It's a question I never got answered.

Your niece may not get answers either, and it's so hard at her age without the maturity and wisdom to understand the dynamics involved.

Time, love and support will help her live with and heal from the rejection. I think it's lovely that she is getting to know her birth grandparents and that they have not rejected her.

Tell me how

I'm Adopted, AMA wrote: »

It has been hard, seeing the heartbreak this has caused my family and feeling so helpless and far away. My heart breaks for my brother too and it hurts not being close to him. He's my blood, the only blood I have, so the loss is something I have grieved for too.

Given your experience in being "given up" by a family and having been lucky enough to find yourself in a loving family, did you struggle to move away from them?
Given the physical distance between you and your family now, I wonder if there was a sense of choosing to move away from them which was not a choice you made as a child?


Also, even though you have had and continue to have difficulties with respect to family relationships (which a lot of people also have) you seem to be in a good place with respect to your experience and how you now view it.
How did you manage this? Was it through counselling, was it a conscious decision or were you just somewhat lucky to get to this place?

I hope I'm not being too presumptuous in assuming where you are and how you view things.

Gloomtastic!

Kids who are adopted or fostered usually have experienced developmental trauma whilst babies. They can then go on to display behavioural issues such as Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD), ADHD or can be on the autistic spectrum.
Do you remember what were you and your brother were like as kids? Did your adopted parents tell you any stories about yourselves that shocked you?

I'm Adopted, AMA

Tell me how wrote: »

Given your experience in being "given up" by a family and having been lucky enough to find yourself in a loving family, did you struggle to move away from them?
Given the physical distance between you and your family now, I wonder if there was a sense of choosing to move away from them which was not a choice you made as a child?


Also, even though you have had and continue to have difficulties with respect to family relationships (which a lot of people also have) you seem to be in a good place with respect to your experience and how you now view it.
How did you manage this? Was it through counselling, was it a conscious decision or were you just somewhat lucky to get to this place?

I hope I'm not being too presumptuous in assuming where you are and how you view things.

I think it helps that I have no memory of the time before I was adopted. I don't know any other way of life, any other way of being. There have been times in the past where I've struggled, but I think time and age have helped me to grow from my experiences, and learn from them. I don't think I've fully settled into being comfortable with myself yet, I struggle with self esteem a lot but then I'm hardly alone in that. I also struggle with depression, and again that's not something unique to me or my situation.

I do have a pragmatic view of life, I get that from my mom, and I think I was both lucky, and deliberate in getting to where I am with it today.

I'm Adopted, AMA

Gloomtastic! wrote: »

Kids who are adopted or fostered usually have experienced developmental trauma whilst babies. They can then go on to display behavioural issues such as Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD), ADHD or can be on the autistic spectrum.
Do you remember what were you and your brother were like as kids? Did your adopted parents tell you any stories about yourselves that shocked you?

When we were adopted, my parents were told that there was a very good chance we might have Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. They were told the signs to watch out for and to keep alcohol out of the home. It's funny; I grew up thinking my parents didn't like to drink because I never saw them with alcohol but it turns out they did like a drink now and then, and would have one of they were out to dinner. They just never had alcohol in the house because of me and my brother. That was a rather amazing revelation for me!

Other than that I seem to have developed normally, thankfully. Although, keeping in mind this was in the 70s/80s when kids acting out was just kids acting out. I don't think there were names for developmental disorders. Even so, I don't recall my parents ever mentioning that I might have had any issues.

Buford T. Justice XIX

No questions by me, just a quick thank you for sharing your story here with us. You're very brave and it's much appreciated.

Tell me how

Hi Op

Thanks for answering all the questions with such clarity. If I ever run in to a lady in Ireland with Metis heritage, I'll feel like I know her!
I hope you gained some bit from answering questions in a semi-public way like this.

I also hope you have a good time over the next few weeks. Christmas is a time with a lot of focus on the family unit and I hope the distance between you and your parents does not mean you might not enjoy it.

I don't think I've any questions left right now so just wanted to thank you and wish you luck. Take care.

I'm Adopted, AMA

Thanks for all the great questions. I have enjoyed doing this AMA, even if parts of the story were painful to go though I'm always open to talking about it. I'm glad my story has been of interest and hopefully of help to some.

Boards.ie: Niamh

Thanks so much to our guest for taking the time to answer so many questions, this has been a really interesting AMA. And of course, thansk for all the questions too!