Now Ye're Talking - to an adoptee

Boards.ie: Niamh

...or the longer title might be, Now Ye're Talking - to a mixed race woman adopted by parents of a different race

Our next AMA is with a boardsie who is a Native American (Metis) and was adopted into a Caucasian home at the age of 3 years old. She grew up with 2 older siblings - the natural children of her adoptive parents - as well as her younger, blood sibling who was adopted along with her.

If you have any questions about adoption - ask away.

I'm Adopted, AMA

Hi everyone. I'm looking forward to your questions! Ask me anything! I've always been open and willing to talk about being adopted; in particular about being a different race than my family.

I hope this will be an interesting AMA for you guys. Ask away!

dinorebel

As an adoptee myself I suppose the obvious question is did you trace/meet your real(bad choice of words maybe) mother/family? and if not why not. I haven't and have no real interest in doing so.

rainemac

Thank you for doing this AMA. We have been matched to a little girl and are awaiting travel to meet her and complete the adoption. First question would be,
What do you remember, if anything about meeting your adoptive parents? How did it feel for you?
Have you felt you experienced trauma through your early childhood and has it affected you? I know some adoptees feel they have and others never thought twice about their early childhood experience.
I'll have more questions shortly I'm sure!

Sabre0001

Thanks for doing this AMA

Would you / have you considered adopting a wee one yourself?

Were you and your blood sibling close with the other two? Was there any divisiveness based on ye being adopted?

Did you get any grief in school over being adopted and/or a different race to your parents?

Did your Caucasian parents make an effort to teach you / expose you to your Native American roots?

I'm Adopted, AMA

dinorebel wrote: »

As an adoptee myself I suppose the obvious question is did you trace/meet your real(bad choice of words maybe) mother/family? and if not why not. I haven't and have no real interest in doing so.

When I was 20, I applied for information under Canada's Freedom of Information Act to get whatever info I could about my life before I was adopted. At the time, I left my name on a register where, if my genetic family also left their names we would be connected. It wasn't until about 5 or 6 years later that we were connected.

I had questions about my genetic family that I felt would never be answered until I met them. When I did meet them, some questions were answered but ultimately it wasn't worth it. It resulted in some pain and heartbreak for me that I would have been better off without.

I know people who are adopted who have no desire to trace their genetic families. Everyone is different and that's ok. There shouldn't be pressure on adoptee's to do either.

I'm Adopted, AMA

rainemac wrote: »

Thank you for doing this AMA. We have been matched to a little girl and are awaiting travel to meet her and complete the adoption. First question would be,
What do you remember, if anything about meeting your adoptive parents? How did it feel for you?
Have you felt you experienced trauma through your early childhood and has it affected you? I know some adoptees feel they have and others never thought twice about their early childhood experience.
I'll have more questions shortly I'm sure!

I don't remember meeting my family, but my mom tells me that I was unsettled for a while. That's understandable as I had been in 3 foster homes previous to my adoption. The first night I wasn't able to sleep, my mom says she came in to lay down with me and I spent ages just stroking her eyelids because I was fascinated with her eyeshadow. According to the files I got, within weeks I was calling them mom and dad and getting along with my new siblings very well.

The trauma I experienced came before I was adopted. It's something I will carry for the rest of my life. Being adopted was probably traumatic in some ways because of having experienced foster care. One night I could be in one home, the next night somewhere different. I think it probably took some time for it to sink in that this new home would be mine forever. I think for anyone adopting children, particularly if the children are older, understanding that they come with baggage is vital. I was already walking and talking when I was adopted, I already had a personality. One welfare worker called me a 'little devil'. Apparently I was a handful!

I wish you all the best with your adoption. Don't hesitate to ask anything else!

I'm Adopted, AMA

Sabre0001 wrote: »

Thanks for doing this AMA

Would you / have you considered adopting a wee one yourself?

Were you and your blood sibling close with the other two? Was there any divisiveness based on ye being adopted?

Did you get any grief in school over being adopted and/or a different race to your parents?

Did your Caucasian parents make an effort to teach you / expose you to your Native American roots?

I would have no hesitation to adopt if I felt I was in a position to. I'm single and in my 40's so I don't know that I'd be a candidate now for it. When I was younger and in a relationship I definitely thought about it but my ex partner was against it.

My siblings and I were all fairly close in ages so we didn't have problems being a family. My older brother tells me that he thought it was great to get a brother and sister in the same day. Especially as we could be playmates.

I got a lot of teasing and bullying in schools because I was always different. I went to a French Immersion school for much of my childhood, but in an English speaking town. The English kids would tease me for speaking French, the French kids teased me because I came from an English family and the whole lot of them bullied me for being Native American. But I did make friends so I wasn't totally alone or isolated. I also had some caring teachers along the way which was a big help.

My parents are 2nd and 3rd generation Canadians but they come from a strong Mennonite and Germain/Ukranian background which is how they raised us. My mom says that she sees the day they brought us home as the day she gave birth to us, so we were raised as if there was no different between her natural children and us. We always knew we were Native American, and we knew something of the culture from school and from living near a reservation, but we weren't specifically exposed to it deliberately. I'm not sure how I feel about that, how do I know if I missed out if I don't know what I missed? These are the kinds of things that I think about.

Tell me how

Hi and thank you for doing this?

I'm also interested in whether you experienced any difficulty due to being identiftably a diiferent race to your parents/siblings.

If it occurred, how did your parents handle this given the age you may have been when you started to notice it?

How have you tried to deal with the trauma you said you experienced before you were placed permanently with a family? Was therapy at a later age (if you tried it) helpful?

I'm Adopted, AMA

Tell me how wrote: »

Hi and thank you for doing this?

I'm also interested in whether you experienced any difficulty due to being identiftably a diiferent race to your parents/siblings.

If it occurred, how did your parents handle this given the age you may have been when you started to notice it?

How have you tried to deal with the trauma you said you experienced before you were placed permanently with a family? Was therapy at a later age (if you tried it) helpful?

I was adopted in 1979, and in that day and age, my parents did experience some flack for adopting children of a different race and in particular, Native American children. It just wasn't the done thing. One set of grandparents was against it, until they met us and my mom says they fell in love with us right away. But it was a courageous thing they did at the time. My older siblings are pale and blond so it is quite the contrast! As for us as a family unit, I don't remember having difficulties because of it. My parents might have but nothing they have talked about.

I was 3 when I was adopted, so I always knew I was adopted. My parents were always honest about our adoption, and talked about it if and when we asked. I grew up knowing the story of my adoption, and the reasons why I was adopted. It helped to know because inevitably I always get questions about it. When people ask me 'where are you from' or about my surname (which is very German sounding) I often joke I need a flow chart just to explain everything

I don't know that I've ever fully dealt with the trauma, although I have gone through counselling and therapy for it. All of that has been as an adult though and I sometimes think if I had been able to do it while I was growing up, I might be a better person for it. But it wasn't until I got my files that the full enormity of what happened to me hit me. It was there in black and white, on paper and I've spent my adult life trying to wrap my head around it.

Mars Bar

I get the feeling you aren't in Ireland or grew up in Ireland. Did you grow up in Canada? How did you end up on an Irish website?

I'm Adopted, AMA

Mars Bar wrote: »

I get the feeling you aren't in Ireland or grew up in Ireland. Did you grow up in Canada? How did you end up on an Irish website?

I'm Canadian-Irish. I've lived in Dublin for over 17 years and I ended up on boards a few years ago to connect with people of various like interests. I like how boards has different forums on different topics. Easy enough to find people to talk about the things we like

PS, I like the tag line in your profile.

Nekarsulm

Very interesting Q&A!
How are adoptions handled in Canada?
Is there one central State ran agency, or do various religions cater for their own, as happens here?
How impenetrable or secretive a process is it, and how are adoptee's viewed when they come looming for info on their birth mother?
You must watch the various programmes on tv here and compare the scenarios with your own, any similarities or major differences between the two countries?
Sorry about the length if this!

shelly22

I have no questions but would just like to wish you the best of luck
You are a very strong person and thank you for sharing your story experience with us

rainemac

Do you think that the bullying wouldnt have happened if the children had been educated about difference/race?

I'm hoping so, we're rural, our daughter-to-be is Asian, I know many families in our area (white Irish, in our immediate area there are no different cultures really, small local school etc.) and these children are the kids likely to become her friends. I've picked out kids books as Christmas presents, on different cultures, which talks about difference and sameness, and I plan to write up an accompanying note to educate parents and point out the curious beings children are and not to be embarrassed if the kids ask about her skin colour etc. I hope doing this for 3-5 year olds it'll mean the children she will grow up with, will ask the questions they are curious about and not be inclined to reject her because of her difference.
I think it's only in recent years that theres been a recognition of a need for therapy for adoptees and as a result there are more resources available for children now than in the past, to work through their trauma when still in childhood. I'm sorry you didn't get to do this as a child but it probably wouldn't have been the norm for the time.

I'm Adopted, AMA

Nekarsulm wrote: »

Very interesting Q&A!
How are adoptions handled in Canada?
Is there one central State ran agency, or do various religions cater for their own, as happens here?
How impenetrable or secretive a process is it, and how are adoptee's viewed when they come looming for info on their birth mother?
You must watch the various programmes on tv here and compare the scenarios with your own, any similarities or major differences between the two countries?
Sorry about the length if this!

My adoption was handled through the welfare system, a government agency. There are private adoptions as well and I would imagine there are separate agencies for that. I am not aware of any religious order handling adoptions; as far as I know (but I'd have to google to be sure), adoptions are a state matter, not a religious one and in Canada, the state is very much separate from the church.

When I was adopted it was very secretive in terms of access to information about my genetic family. Even when I got the files relating to my pre-adoption status, a lot of the information was redacted due to various privacy laws. The names of my genetic parents for example. I was only given my birth surname and vague information about them, their hobbies and heights etc.

I have been interested in the historical adoptions in Ireland, and do compare it with my own situation. I'm from a racial background that was treated exactly the same way as the Irish were in the past. Canada as a country just grew up a differently than Ireland did. It does make me sad though, reading about the mother and baby homes and the laundries.

I'm Adopted, AMA

shelly22 wrote: »

I have no questions but would just like to wish you the best of luck
You are a very strong person and thank you for sharing your story experience with us

Thank you

rainemac wrote: »

Do you think that the bullying wouldnt have happened if the children had been educated about difference/race?

I'm hoping so, we're rural, our daughter-to-be is Asian, I know many families in our area (white Irish, in our immediate area there are no different cultures really, small local school etc.) and these children are the kids likely to become her friends. I've picked out kids books as Christmas presents, on different cultures, which talks about difference and sameness, and I plan to write up an accompanying note to educate parents and point out the curious beings children are and not to be embarrassed if the kids ask about her skin colour etc. I hope doing this for 3-5 year olds it'll mean the children she will grow up with, will ask the questions they are curious about and not be inclined to reject her because of her difference.
I think it's only in recent years that theres been a recognition of a need for therapy for adoptees and as a result there are more resources available for children now than in the past, to work through their trauma when still in childhood. I'm sorry you didn't get to do this as a child but it probably wouldn't have been the norm for the time.

I absolutely believe that educating the adults around you about your daughter is a good idea. It's a great idea. At a very young age, children are usually very accepting and unassuming. Watch a group of babies playing together and you'll know what I mean. It isn't until kids are old enough to copy the adults who have influence over them that they learn to tease and bully. It's totally ok to be curious and ask questions about our differences and preparing your daughter and her future playmates of that is a really thoughtful thing to do.

My situation was somewhat similar, I grew up in a small town that was predominantly white. The difference is, my race is one that, in Canada has traditionally been very looked down on. The prejudice against Native Americans runs deep, and it's something I had to live with on a daily basis and I'm still conscious of it when I go back for holidays. The disgust and hatred people feel for us is very hurtful and painful.

I think it's amazing, that you're adopting. You have obviously researched and planned and thought it through and that's wonderful. You and your daughter are off to a great start, the best kind of start an adoptee could have with a new family!

Gloomtastic!

Another interesting AMA, thank you for coming forward.

You mention the discrimination you are up against in Canada. Have you experienced any of that same discrimination in Ireland?

I'm Adopted, AMA

Gloomtastic! wrote: »

Another interesting AMA, thank you for coming forward.

You mention the discrimination you are up against in Canada. Have you experienced any of that same discrimination in Ireland?

I haven't experienced discrimination here, no. The stereotypes and prejudice in Canada towards Natives come from a very long history of violence, segregation, reparations and misunderstandings. It's an incredibly sad thing that happened to us, this prejudice is a direct result of how the people who hate us initially treated us. It's possible there is some subconscious guilt driving the prejudice but ultimately it's grossly unfair. Come to our country, stick us on reservations and take away our language, deny us our means for living, give us money that with nothing to spend it on and then hate us forever because we're lazy, good for nothing drunks. See what I mean?

In Ireland, because Canadian history is probably never taught in schools or even thought about, that prejudice towards Natives doesn't exist. And in fact, most people here mistake me at first for being Spanish or Italian, because of my skin tone and colouring.

Another sad thing is, most people here actually seem to forget that I'm not white. I had a manager at work once complain to me about foreigners taking jobs! The thing is, I think I'm an 'honourary white person' because I'm a contributing member of society. I've been in my job for nearly 15 years, I pay my taxes, I vote in every election and referendum etc etc etc. I'd rather not be an honourary white person though. I'm Métis, and quite proud to be so.

Tell me how

I'm Adopted, AMA wrote:

I'm Metis, and quite proud to be so.

And so you should be.

Are you familiar with the Mother and Baby home scandal in Tuam?
Did your story influence you much in thinking about that?

Gloomtastic!

^^^^^Like most countries in the world we also have our issues with minority oppression. Here we have the same problems you listed with travellers.

Do you know if there are many North American Natives in Dublin? Any from your tribe?

I'm Adopted, AMA

Tell me how wrote: »

And so you should be.

Are you familiar with the Mother and Baby home scandal in Tuam?
Did your story influence you much in thinking about that?

I'm aware of it. I read about what happened with a lot of grief. I have witnessed and have first hand experience of how cruel people can be. But I don't think anyone needs racial or personal experience with cruelty to know how horrible it is. Cruelty transcends race, religion, sex, sexuality and all the other ways we have decided to differentiate one from another. Those are excuses people use to justify their actions.

But I truly believe that if we can just look past all the labels and see how alike we all are despite our differences, the world would be a much better place. As much as we have an immense capacity for hatred and cruelty, we also have immense capacity for love and compassion. I've witnessed, and experienced that too.

I'm Adopted, AMA

Gloomtastic! wrote: »

^^^^^Like most countries in the world we also have our issues with minority oppression. Here we have the same problems you listed with travellers.

Do you know if there are many North American Natives in Dublin? Any from your tribe?

My friends have said before that the discrimination of Native American's is similar to the way Travellers are treated. I can definitely see the similarities.

As for other Natives in Dublin, I have no idea but I don't think so. It's quite possible I am the only Irish Métis in the world right now but I like to think that others have made it here too.

miamee

You mentioned that your adopted parents didn't really expose you to or educate you about your Native American heritage. Is this something you were able to educate yourself about or learn from others when you got old enough to understand that it was different to the culture you were growing up in? Or is it something you are still exploring? You are obviously very proud of it

I'm Adopted, AMA

miamee wrote: »

You mentioned that your adopted parents didn't really expose you to or educate you about your Native American heritage. Is this something you were able to educate yourself about or learn from others when you got old enough to understand that it was different to the culture you were growing up in? Or is it something you are still exploring? You are obviously very proud of it

It's something I did learn about in school to some extent. But it was always about what happened after white people came to Canada. I don't think of of my teachers would have been knowledgeable enough to teach about Native culture prior to the arrival of Europeans.

I have researched it myself also but the thing is, much of Native culture isn't written down. Some tribes didn't have a written language until missionaries came and made them up. The traditions and values of the Natives was handed down orally, and tangible evidence was just never left behind. It was a way of life to leave no trace.

I am proud of my Métis background, but I haven't really been able to connect with the culture. I am also proud of the culture I grew up with, the Mennonite traditions (especially the food..mmm...Mennonite cooking!), and German/Ukranian values that my grandparents and parents have. I'm also proud to be Canadian. And proud to be Irish.

And reading over that wow...I really do need a flowchart to try and explain it all! :P

Regarding being adopted and growing up in a different culture, did my parents do the right thing? I don't think that's a question that will ever be answered. It happened how it happened and this is who I am today. My genetic parents, from what I can tell, weren't connected to their culture either so who knows if I ever had a chance in the first place?

miamee

Wow, OP, a flowchart sounds like a good place to start

You mentioned your genetic parents weren't too connected to their heritage so maybe you never 'missed out' in that sense, you might have learned mostly about your heritage via school either way. Very interesting all the same.

Were there many differences or rivalries between yourself and your blood sibling versus your adopted siblings growing up or were you all just a bunch of siblings with the normal types of argument?

Tell me how

I'm Adopted, AMA wrote: »

I have researched it myself also but the thing is, much of Native culture isn't written down. Some tribes didn't have a written language until missionaries came and made them up. The traditions and values of the Natives was handed down orally, and tangible evidence was just never left behind. It was a way of life to leave no trace.

That really is quite sad to read. Not just with respect to the Metis culture but for so many other cultures that faded away. But your last line is something which a lot of today's cultures could do with considering. Leave no trace. It would be nice if it could be adopted with respect to our treatment of the environment.

Tell me how

Given your experience from being the centre of an adoption process. Do you think it is primarily a good system or is it open for abuse?
I've recently read about some orphanages which are ethically very dubious and they try to appeal to westerners because of the funds they bring but the children are nearly a commodity more than a human that needs and deserves love.

On a more light heated note, how do you represent or acknowledge elements of your culture? Do you note particular dates that might have been significant in the culture for example?

I'm Adopted, AMA

miamee wrote: »

Wow, OP, a flowchart sounds like a good place to start

You mentioned your genetic parents weren't too connected to their heritage so maybe you never 'missed out' in that sense, you might have learned mostly about your heritage via school either way. Very interesting all the same.

Were there many differences or rivalries between yourself and your blood sibling versus your adopted siblings growing up or were you all just a bunch of siblings with the normal types of argument?

A fair point and you're probably right. It depends on where I would have gone to school though. My genetic parents lived in a fairly big city and who knows if they would have even cared enough to send me to school. I was in 3 foster homes before the age of 3 so I think my school years might have been chaotic. I really appreciate the chance I had to go to small town schools and have a stable home for it.

I don't recall any sibling rivalry although I think I might have acted out for attention sometimes. There were 4 of us vying for our parents' attention as we grew up! Lately I'm closest with my older brother and his family. We have a lot in common and a lot we talk about. It's really nice.

dinorebel

I'm Adopted, AMA wrote: »

It's something I did learn about in school to some extent. But it was always about what happened after white people came to Canada. I don't think of of my teachers would have been knowledgeable enough to teach about Native culture prior to the arrival of Europeans.

I have researched it myself also but the thing is, much of Native culture isn't written down. Some tribes didn't have a written language until missionaries came and made them up. The traditions and values of the Natives was handed down orally, and tangible evidence was just never left behind. It was a way of life to leave no trace.

I am proud of my Métis background, but I haven't really been able to connect with the culture. I am also proud of the culture I grew up with, the Mennonite traditions (especially the food..mmm...Mennonite cooking!), and German/Ukranian values that my grandparents and parents have. I'm also proud to be Canadian. And proud to be Irish.

And reading over that wow...I really do need a flowchart to try and explain it all! :P

Regarding being adopted and growing up in a different culture, did my parents do the right thing? I don't think that's a question that will ever be answered. It happened how it happened and this is who I am today. My genetic parents, from what I can tell, weren't connected to their culture either so who knows if I ever had a chance in the first place?

Not on the same level but I was born in London to a Welsh mother father is unknown(to me anyway:)) was adopted by an English mother and Scottish father and have lived in Ireland for 25 years. Confused doesn't come close to covering it.

I'm Adopted, AMA

Tell me how wrote: »

That really is quite sad to read. Not just with respect to the Metis culture but for so many other cultures that faded away. But your last line is something which a lot of today's cultures could do with considering. Leave no trace. It would be nice if it could be adopted with respect to our treatment of the environment.

I agree. Sometimes I agree with the Agent from The Matrix....who said humans are a virus; a plague. We multiply and use resources until they are all consumed and then we spread out again.

This summer I was home for a visit and went to a World Heritage site called Head Smashed in Buffalo Jump. When Natives hunted buffalo, they used every single useable part of the buffalo. The bladder became water sacks, the sinews became thread, bones became tools, utensils, needles. The hides and meat were all used for different purposes. But they used every last scrap, nothing went to waste. At this museum it traced the history of the buffalo jump and the saddest history was the more recent, when Europeans began hunting buffalo. There's this one photo showing a hunter standing on a mountain of skulls. The Europeans only wanted one thing; furs.

Anyway, all that to say yes, I wish we would all be more conscious of the trace we are leaving on the planet and be more careful with it.

Tell me how wrote: »

Given your experience from being the centre of an adoption process. Do you think it is primarily a good system or is it open for abuse?
I've recently read about some orphanages which are ethically very dubious and they try to appeal to westerners because of the funds they bring but the children are nearly a commodity more than a human that needs and deserves love.

On a more light heated note, how do you represent or acknowledge elements of your culture? Do you note particular dates that might have been significant in the culture for example?

I think adoptions are definitely open to abuse but ultimately it's up to the governments to regulate and police these adoption agencies who abuse the system and profit from it.

In my heart of hearts I do feel that any child who is adopted out of those kind of cruel and horrible situations is lucky, especially those adopted out of places of dubious reputation. Sometimes, there just aren't enough staff to look after the children and they do their best but it's often not good enough. Sometimes, the children are just a means to an income. It's really unfair but if a family want to adopt a child from another country or another race, better they adopt a child who might otherwise never have a family or experience love and affection. Not that I'm condoning those kinds of orphanages or agencies; it would be better if they didn't exist. But not adopting from them won't change things. Only the governments in charge can really change it.

In my case, because my adoption was through the welfare system and I was a ward of the court, I was in what I presume were good foster homes. There are reports from social workers who were monitoring my welfare. I was one of the lucky ones.

As for my culture, I acknowledge it by refusing to deny it. Anytime someone asks about my race (am I Spanish, Italian etc etc) I'm happy to explain who and what I am. Not many people in Ireland would even know what a Métis is! (Have you all googled it?! ) It's great to talk about it and share my experience. I don't know of any particular holidays or occasions to celebrate and I think it would feel strange to mark them; seeing that I didn't grow up with them.

I'm Adopted, AMA

dinorebel wrote: »

Not on the same level but I was born in London to a Welsh mother father is unknown(to me anyway:)) was adopted by an English mother and Scottish father and have lived in Ireland for 25 years. Confused doesn't come close to covering it.

We definitely should carry flowcharts in our pockets! With charts and graphs for good measure

Tell me how

Did you ever pull the "You're not my mother/father card" we see in films and on tv?

Personally, as I've grown older, I've seen traits in my parents which I recognize as having myself. I wonder did you experience this with respect to your adopted parents or do think such traits are more a genetic thing?

I'm Adopted, AMA

Tell me how wrote: »

Did you ever pull the "You're not my mother/father card" we see in films and on tv?

Personally, as I've grown older, I've seen traits in my parents which I recognize as having myself. I wonder did you experience this with respect to your adopted parents or do think such traits are more a genetic thing?

I don't think I ever did a 'you're not my mom/dad' but I'd have to ask them to be sure

I definitely take after my parents in many ways. I get my sense of humour from my dad for sure. He's a lot like the Irish in some ways; he loves teasing and is well able to slag someone off. I get my love of creativity and cooking from my mom. I see a lot of my parents in myself, in good and sometimes not so good ways. I think these traits are learned behaviours, not genetic ones. Genetically my skin and hair and eye colour, my body shape and height etc come from my genetic parents. That's all I prefer to think I got from them.

I'm Adopted, AMA

For those of your particularly interested in my Native American background, I highly recommend checking youtube out for powwow videos. Especially competition ones. The drumming, chanting, singing and dancing are all fascinating and I do occasionally take time to watch them. I know that every song, every drum beat, every dance tells a story; I just don't have the language or experience to interpret or understand it. But I do appreciate them. I'm someone who grew up loving stories in every form; books, movies, plays, operas and powwows are just another medium. My parents have family friends whose son is a powwow dancer so I have been to them as a child to watch him dance. Powwow dancing is utterly amazing.

This is one of my favourite drumming videos. Have a listen to it, and watch in the background as a kid comes up and starts to chant along with the drummers. I love that.

Anyway, I feel I could have done two AMA's; being adopted and being Métis. I'm happy to continue answering your questions on both!

Tell me how

Thanks for answering all my questions. If I met you in public, it would be rude to ask them but here is perfect.

You mentioned that the experience of meeting your parents was ultimately unfulfilling. I'm very curious about that. I understand if you'd rather not go in to seeing as it isn't pleasant but if you are Ok discussing it, I'm wondering.

What was ultimately uncomfortable about it?
What was their experience of the time around your birth and giving you up for adoption?
Did you have any biological siblings who remained with your parents?
Have you any form of a relationship with them?

Thanks again for doing this and being so open with your answers.

I'm Adopted, AMA

Tell me how wrote: »

Thanks for answering all my questions. If I met you in public, it would be rude to ask them but here is perfect.

You mentioned that the experience of meeting your parents was ultimately unfulfilling. I'm very curious about that. I understand if you'd rather not go in to seeing as it isn't pleasant but if you are Ok discussing it, I'm wondering.

What was ultimately uncomfortable about it?
What was their experience of the time around your birth and giving you up for adoption?
Did you have any biological siblings who remained with your parents?
Have you any form of a relationship with them?

Thanks again for doing this and being so open with your answers.

I'll tell you my side of the story but it was just my experience at the time and I can't speak for the other people involved. Just a caveat.

What was ultimately uncomfortable about it? When it all happened (which is a long story I won't go into) I felt that my genetic family were more interested in my younger brother than in me. I also felt under pressure to give up my own family and run back into the arms of my genetic family, as though I should be relieved that experience was over and I was back with my 'real' family. When I didn't do that, their attitudes towards me turned frosty and the atmosphere was definitely uncomfortable for me. On top of that was a feeling I had that I just had nothing in common with them, despite them being my genetic family.

What was their experience of the time around your birth and giving you up for adoption?

I should mention that my genetic mother passed away before I was adopted, her death was actually a catalyst for my adoption as my genetic father couldn't look after me and my younger brother. They were both less than ideal parents at the time, hence our being bounced from foster home to foster home. When I met our genetic father he talked a lot about how hard it was to give up my brother. He didn't seem upset about having given me up. That was difficult for me to take and only added to my feeling uncomfortable.

Did you have any biological siblings who remained with your parents? Yes. We had an older sister who remained with our genetic father. I don't know why. Being as young as we were, we didn't remember her at all and my parents weren't told that there had been an older sibling. I only found out about her when I applied for those papers. It was quite the shock. I cried for about an hour and that's when I started having questions that I felt I wanted answered. Up until then, given what I already knew about my genetic family, I had wanted nothing to do with them.

Have you any form of a relationship with them? No. I cut all ties after things just didn't work out. I felt manipulated and slighted and I didn't need that in my life. I had a feeling that if I had carried on staying in touch with them it would have been toxic for me. I wasn't a hard decision to make; and there's a lot more behind this story that I haven't mentioned (I'd have to write a book for that!) but I don't regret that decision at all. I am better off without them in my life.

On a side note, if you met me in public I wouldn't think it was rude if you asked about these. If it comes up in conversation it's because I mentioned it. In fact, I was recently at a play and sat beside a couple at intermission who I got chatting with. They were so excited to meet a Native American that they insisted on shaking hands with me. That was pretty cool.

Gloomtastic!

Does your brother still see his father? How is their relationship? Does he understand your reasons for no longer being in contact?

I'm Adopted, AMA

Gloomtastic! wrote: »

Does your brother still see his father? How is their relationship? Does he understand your reasons for no longer being in contact?

I don't actually know. My brother cut off all contact with our family a few years ago for reasons of his own. If he's in touch with our genetic family, I don't know.

At the time, when it all happened, my brother agreed with me that things had been really awkward and he understood why I wanted nothing to do with them. He felt the same too at the time, but that may have changed. I just don't know.

Gloomtastic!

Blimey, that’s rough. Life can really be a douche bag sometimes! For all that’s gone through yours, you still seem to be at ease with yourself. A lot of people in your position would wrongly assume it was their fault, it was something they must have done that made their parents and all reject them. Your adopted parents appear to have done a very good job in making you believe in yourself. Well done them and you!!

Tell me how

Again I have quite a personal question.

Did your upbringing influence your thoughts on having a family of your own? Not so much on whether or not to adopt as you answered previously but in thoughts about being a parent.

Also, Have you read Catriona Palmer's "An affair with my mother"? If so, what did you think?

I'm Adopted, AMA

Gloomtastic! wrote: »

Blimey, that’s rough. Life can really be a douche bag sometimes! For all that’s gone through yours, you still seem to be at ease with yourself. A lot of people in your position would wrongly assume it was their fault, it was something they must have done that made their parents and all reject them. Your adopted parents appear to have done a very good job in making you believe in yourself. Well done them and you!!

Thank you, although it's still something I struggle with. I go through ups and downs where there are times I do believe it's my fault and there must be something wrong with my dna for all this to have happened. It's a lot to wrap my head around and my head doesn't always cooperate. But I do feel that I was very lucky with the family I ended up with, I love them to bits. I'm really very glad they adopted me.

rainemac

Thank you so much for sharing your story and being so open to questions. Really appreciate it! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

I'm Adopted, AMA

Tell me how wrote: »

Again I have quite a personal question.

Did your upbringing influence your thoughts on having a family of your own? Not so much on whether or not to adopt as you answered previously but in thoughts about being a parent.

Also, Have you read Catriona Palmer's "An affair with my mother"? If so, what did you think?

There was a time in my life when I did want a family of my own; whether I had my own children or adopted or had step children. Growing up as I did taught me that families come in all shapes and sizes so I wasn't limiting myself. The opportunity just never came up and now I feel that it probably never will. Although I'm not closing that door completely. I'm just not dreaming or planning for it as I would have when I was younger. I'm a little too set in my ways these days and for me to find a partner, well that person would have to be something pretty special. If they already had kids, I'd be ok with that.

In my experience, I learned both what bad and good parents look like. I think I could have been a good parent although like anyone I would have made mistakes and probably felt in over my head.

I'm not aware of that book. What's it about?

I'm Adopted, AMA

rainemac wrote: »

Thank you so much for sharing your story and being so open to questions. Really appreciate it! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

You're welcome I'm really excited for you and your daughter. I hope you enjoy every moment of getting to know her and integrating her into your family. It's going to be an amazing experience for all of you!

Tell me how

I'm Adopted, AMA wrote: »

There was a time in my life when I did want a family of my own; whether I had my own children or adopted or had step children. Growing up as I did taught me that families come in all shapes and sizes so I wasn't limiting myself. The opportunity just never came up and now I feel that it probably never will. Although I'm not closing that door completely. I'm just not dreaming or planning for it as I would have when I was younger. I'm a little too set in my ways these days and for me to find a partner, well that person would have to be something pretty special. If they already had kids, I'd be ok with that.

In my experience, I learned both what bad and good parents look like. I think I could have been a good parent although like anyone I would have made mistakes and probably felt in over my head.

I'm not aware of that book. What's it about?

It's about an Irish journalist who was adopted and later in life set out to connect with her birth mother, which she managed to do. Her mother however, never acknowledged her publicly or told her family that she had had a daughter previously. This lead to a 16 year relationship of secret meetings or the "affair" referenced in the title. There was one particular occasion which must have been extremely difficult to comprehend and acknowledge for the author but I won't describe it here in case you want to read the book yourself. I found it a very interesting read.

With respect to maybe having your own family. I think it's a positive attitude you have with respect to it. In every respect.

I'm Adopted, AMA

Tell me how wrote: »

It's about an Irish journalist who was adopted and later in life set out to connect with her birth mother, which she managed to do. Her mother however, never acknowledged her publicly or told her family that she had had a daughter previously. This lead to a 16 year relationship of secret meetings or the "affair" referenced in the title. There was one particular occasion which must have been extremely difficult to comprehend and acknowledge for the author but I won't describe it here in case you want to read the book yourself. I found it a very interesting read.

With respect to maybe having your own family. I think it's a positive attitude you have with respect to it. In every respect.

I'll have a look for that book. It sounds like a really sad read though. It was very hard for me to see all the fuss and attention my brother got from our genetic family, while I barely got a look in. Come to think of it, I was never introduced to their friends or the rest of the family; aunts, cousins etc. I didn't even think of it at the time. That's all in the past now though and can't be changed. I don't normally think about it unless it comes up like in this AMA or in certain kinds of conversations with my friends.

And thanks

LynnGrace

This is so interesting, thank you for doing it. Just wanted to say the image of you stroking your mum's eyelids, on your first night, is just so beautiful.

I don't know how to phrase this properly, but wondering why it was that your parents decided to adopt? Did they talk about that to you and your brother? I remember kids at school (many moons ago) who were adopted whose parents didn't have any other children, maybe due to fertility problems or whatever.

Hope that question is not intrusive, and if so, feel free to ignore.

I can't even imagine how you must have felt, discovering that there was an older sibling. Your experience with your genetic family must have been so tough.

You sound great, really positive, and once again, thanks for doing this.

_Brian

As parent to two adopted children I’ve really enjoyed this thread.
Thank you for being so open with your answers.

I'm Adopted, AMA

LynnGrace wrote: »

This is so interesting, thank you for doing it. Just wanted to say the image of you stroking your mum's eyelids, on your first night, is just so beautiful.

I don't know how to phrase this properly, but wondering why it was that your parents decided to adopt? Did they talk about that to you and your brother? I remember kids at school (many moons ago) who were adopted whose parents didn't have any other children, maybe due to fertility problems or whatever.

Hope that question is not intrusive, and if so, feel free to ignore.

I can't even imagine how you must have felt, discovering that there was an older sibling. Your experience with your genetic family must have been so tough.

You sound great, really positive, and once again, thanks for doing this.

My parents had been listening to the news about the plight of children in the aftermath of the Vietnam War. They had two kids of their own but they felt that instead of having more children, they would adopt a child who needed a chance at life. They originally thought about adopting from overseas but when they went to the welfare agency, they were told there were many Native children just as needy. Mom and Dad talked it over with their friends and decided that they would adopt a Native American boy.

When my brother and I were put up for adoption, our genetic father requested that we not be separated. When we were mentioned to our parents, they didn't hesitate to take both of us.

My parents were no strangers to adoption. My dad's sister is adopted, and my godparents adopted a Korean girl from overseas and friends of the family also have adopted kids. It's just that my parents took what was considered at the time to be a radical thing in adopting Native American kids.

I have to admit that growing up it was hard to hear that my parents originally wanted a boy, and I happened to be tagged along with my brother. I was the buy one get one free bargain, in my mind. Not that I was treated as such but hearing the story and being so sensitive, I took it the wrong way. It's something I still feel I have to shake off to this very day.

But I think my parents were pretty cool and courageous, to do what they did. Actually, come to think of it, my parents are still pretty cool.

I'm Adopted, AMA

_Brian wrote: »

As parent to two adopted children I’ve really enjoyed this thread.
Thank you for being so open with your answers.

Thanks for commenting. I wasn't sure if this AMA would be interesting to people but I am really enjoying the questions and discussions.