Now Ye're Talking - to an adoptee

I'm Adopted, AMA

dinorebel wrote: »

Not on the same level but I was born in London to a Welsh mother father is unknown(to me anyway:)) was adopted by an English mother and Scottish father and have lived in Ireland for 25 years. Confused doesn't come close to covering it.

We definitely should carry flowcharts in our pockets! With charts and graphs for good measure

Tell me how

Did you ever pull the "You're not my mother/father card" we see in films and on tv?

Personally, as I've grown older, I've seen traits in my parents which I recognize as having myself. I wonder did you experience this with respect to your adopted parents or do think such traits are more a genetic thing?

I'm Adopted, AMA

Tell me how wrote: »

Did you ever pull the "You're not my mother/father card" we see in films and on tv?

Personally, as I've grown older, I've seen traits in my parents which I recognize as having myself. I wonder did you experience this with respect to your adopted parents or do think such traits are more a genetic thing?

I don't think I ever did a 'you're not my mom/dad' but I'd have to ask them to be sure

I definitely take after my parents in many ways. I get my sense of humour from my dad for sure. He's a lot like the Irish in some ways; he loves teasing and is well able to slag someone off. I get my love of creativity and cooking from my mom. I see a lot of my parents in myself, in good and sometimes not so good ways. I think these traits are learned behaviours, not genetic ones. Genetically my skin and hair and eye colour, my body shape and height etc come from my genetic parents. That's all I prefer to think I got from them.

I'm Adopted, AMA

For those of your particularly interested in my Native American background, I highly recommend checking youtube out for powwow videos. Especially competition ones. The drumming, chanting, singing and dancing are all fascinating and I do occasionally take time to watch them. I know that every song, every drum beat, every dance tells a story; I just don't have the language or experience to interpret or understand it. But I do appreciate them. I'm someone who grew up loving stories in every form; books, movies, plays, operas and powwows are just another medium. My parents have family friends whose son is a powwow dancer so I have been to them as a child to watch him dance. Powwow dancing is utterly amazing.

This is one of my favourite drumming videos. Have a listen to it, and watch in the background as a kid comes up and starts to chant along with the drummers. I love that.

Anyway, I feel I could have done two AMA's; being adopted and being Métis. I'm happy to continue answering your questions on both!

Tell me how

Thanks for answering all my questions. If I met you in public, it would be rude to ask them but here is perfect.

You mentioned that the experience of meeting your parents was ultimately unfulfilling. I'm very curious about that. I understand if you'd rather not go in to seeing as it isn't pleasant but if you are Ok discussing it, I'm wondering.

What was ultimately uncomfortable about it?
What was their experience of the time around your birth and giving you up for adoption?
Did you have any biological siblings who remained with your parents?
Have you any form of a relationship with them?

Thanks again for doing this and being so open with your answers.

I'm Adopted, AMA

Tell me how wrote: »

Thanks for answering all my questions. If I met you in public, it would be rude to ask them but here is perfect.

You mentioned that the experience of meeting your parents was ultimately unfulfilling. I'm very curious about that. I understand if you'd rather not go in to seeing as it isn't pleasant but if you are Ok discussing it, I'm wondering.

What was ultimately uncomfortable about it?
What was their experience of the time around your birth and giving you up for adoption?
Did you have any biological siblings who remained with your parents?
Have you any form of a relationship with them?

Thanks again for doing this and being so open with your answers.

I'll tell you my side of the story but it was just my experience at the time and I can't speak for the other people involved. Just a caveat.

What was ultimately uncomfortable about it? When it all happened (which is a long story I won't go into) I felt that my genetic family were more interested in my younger brother than in me. I also felt under pressure to give up my own family and run back into the arms of my genetic family, as though I should be relieved that experience was over and I was back with my 'real' family. When I didn't do that, their attitudes towards me turned frosty and the atmosphere was definitely uncomfortable for me. On top of that was a feeling I had that I just had nothing in common with them, despite them being my genetic family.

What was their experience of the time around your birth and giving you up for adoption?

I should mention that my genetic mother passed away before I was adopted, her death was actually a catalyst for my adoption as my genetic father couldn't look after me and my younger brother. They were both less than ideal parents at the time, hence our being bounced from foster home to foster home. When I met our genetic father he talked a lot about how hard it was to give up my brother. He didn't seem upset about having given me up. That was difficult for me to take and only added to my feeling uncomfortable.

Did you have any biological siblings who remained with your parents? Yes. We had an older sister who remained with our genetic father. I don't know why. Being as young as we were, we didn't remember her at all and my parents weren't told that there had been an older sibling. I only found out about her when I applied for those papers. It was quite the shock. I cried for about an hour and that's when I started having questions that I felt I wanted answered. Up until then, given what I already knew about my genetic family, I had wanted nothing to do with them.

Have you any form of a relationship with them? No. I cut all ties after things just didn't work out. I felt manipulated and slighted and I didn't need that in my life. I had a feeling that if I had carried on staying in touch with them it would have been toxic for me. I wasn't a hard decision to make; and there's a lot more behind this story that I haven't mentioned (I'd have to write a book for that!) but I don't regret that decision at all. I am better off without them in my life.

On a side note, if you met me in public I wouldn't think it was rude if you asked about these. If it comes up in conversation it's because I mentioned it. In fact, I was recently at a play and sat beside a couple at intermission who I got chatting with. They were so excited to meet a Native American that they insisted on shaking hands with me. That was pretty cool.

Gloomtastic!

Does your brother still see his father? How is their relationship? Does he understand your reasons for no longer being in contact?

I'm Adopted, AMA

Gloomtastic! wrote: »

Does your brother still see his father? How is their relationship? Does he understand your reasons for no longer being in contact?

I don't actually know. My brother cut off all contact with our family a few years ago for reasons of his own. If he's in touch with our genetic family, I don't know.

At the time, when it all happened, my brother agreed with me that things had been really awkward and he understood why I wanted nothing to do with them. He felt the same too at the time, but that may have changed. I just don't know.

Gloomtastic!

Blimey, that’s rough. Life can really be a douche bag sometimes! For all that’s gone through yours, you still seem to be at ease with yourself. A lot of people in your position would wrongly assume it was their fault, it was something they must have done that made their parents and all reject them. Your adopted parents appear to have done a very good job in making you believe in yourself. Well done them and you!!

Tell me how

Again I have quite a personal question.

Did your upbringing influence your thoughts on having a family of your own? Not so much on whether or not to adopt as you answered previously but in thoughts about being a parent.

Also, Have you read Catriona Palmer's "An affair with my mother"? If so, what did you think?

I'm Adopted, AMA

Gloomtastic! wrote: »

Blimey, that’s rough. Life can really be a douche bag sometimes! For all that’s gone through yours, you still seem to be at ease with yourself. A lot of people in your position would wrongly assume it was their fault, it was something they must have done that made their parents and all reject them. Your adopted parents appear to have done a very good job in making you believe in yourself. Well done them and you!!

Thank you, although it's still something I struggle with. I go through ups and downs where there are times I do believe it's my fault and there must be something wrong with my dna for all this to have happened. It's a lot to wrap my head around and my head doesn't always cooperate. But I do feel that I was very lucky with the family I ended up with, I love them to bits. I'm really very glad they adopted me.

rainemac

Thank you so much for sharing your story and being so open to questions. Really appreciate it! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

I'm Adopted, AMA

Tell me how wrote: »

Again I have quite a personal question.

Did your upbringing influence your thoughts on having a family of your own? Not so much on whether or not to adopt as you answered previously but in thoughts about being a parent.

Also, Have you read Catriona Palmer's "An affair with my mother"? If so, what did you think?

There was a time in my life when I did want a family of my own; whether I had my own children or adopted or had step children. Growing up as I did taught me that families come in all shapes and sizes so I wasn't limiting myself. The opportunity just never came up and now I feel that it probably never will. Although I'm not closing that door completely. I'm just not dreaming or planning for it as I would have when I was younger. I'm a little too set in my ways these days and for me to find a partner, well that person would have to be something pretty special. If they already had kids, I'd be ok with that.

In my experience, I learned both what bad and good parents look like. I think I could have been a good parent although like anyone I would have made mistakes and probably felt in over my head.

I'm not aware of that book. What's it about?

I'm Adopted, AMA

rainemac wrote: »

Thank you so much for sharing your story and being so open to questions. Really appreciate it! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

You're welcome I'm really excited for you and your daughter. I hope you enjoy every moment of getting to know her and integrating her into your family. It's going to be an amazing experience for all of you!

Tell me how

I'm Adopted, AMA wrote: »

There was a time in my life when I did want a family of my own; whether I had my own children or adopted or had step children. Growing up as I did taught me that families come in all shapes and sizes so I wasn't limiting myself. The opportunity just never came up and now I feel that it probably never will. Although I'm not closing that door completely. I'm just not dreaming or planning for it as I would have when I was younger. I'm a little too set in my ways these days and for me to find a partner, well that person would have to be something pretty special. If they already had kids, I'd be ok with that.

In my experience, I learned both what bad and good parents look like. I think I could have been a good parent although like anyone I would have made mistakes and probably felt in over my head.

I'm not aware of that book. What's it about?

It's about an Irish journalist who was adopted and later in life set out to connect with her birth mother, which she managed to do. Her mother however, never acknowledged her publicly or told her family that she had had a daughter previously. This lead to a 16 year relationship of secret meetings or the "affair" referenced in the title. There was one particular occasion which must have been extremely difficult to comprehend and acknowledge for the author but I won't describe it here in case you want to read the book yourself. I found it a very interesting read.

With respect to maybe having your own family. I think it's a positive attitude you have with respect to it. In every respect.

I'm Adopted, AMA

Tell me how wrote: »

It's about an Irish journalist who was adopted and later in life set out to connect with her birth mother, which she managed to do. Her mother however, never acknowledged her publicly or told her family that she had had a daughter previously. This lead to a 16 year relationship of secret meetings or the "affair" referenced in the title. There was one particular occasion which must have been extremely difficult to comprehend and acknowledge for the author but I won't describe it here in case you want to read the book yourself. I found it a very interesting read.

With respect to maybe having your own family. I think it's a positive attitude you have with respect to it. In every respect.

I'll have a look for that book. It sounds like a really sad read though. It was very hard for me to see all the fuss and attention my brother got from our genetic family, while I barely got a look in. Come to think of it, I was never introduced to their friends or the rest of the family; aunts, cousins etc. I didn't even think of it at the time. That's all in the past now though and can't be changed. I don't normally think about it unless it comes up like in this AMA or in certain kinds of conversations with my friends.

And thanks

LynnGrace

This is so interesting, thank you for doing it. Just wanted to say the image of you stroking your mum's eyelids, on your first night, is just so beautiful.

I don't know how to phrase this properly, but wondering why it was that your parents decided to adopt? Did they talk about that to you and your brother? I remember kids at school (many moons ago) who were adopted whose parents didn't have any other children, maybe due to fertility problems or whatever.

Hope that question is not intrusive, and if so, feel free to ignore.

I can't even imagine how you must have felt, discovering that there was an older sibling. Your experience with your genetic family must have been so tough.

You sound great, really positive, and once again, thanks for doing this.

_Brian

As parent to two adopted children I’ve really enjoyed this thread.
Thank you for being so open with your answers.

I'm Adopted, AMA

LynnGrace wrote: »

This is so interesting, thank you for doing it. Just wanted to say the image of you stroking your mum's eyelids, on your first night, is just so beautiful.

I don't know how to phrase this properly, but wondering why it was that your parents decided to adopt? Did they talk about that to you and your brother? I remember kids at school (many moons ago) who were adopted whose parents didn't have any other children, maybe due to fertility problems or whatever.

Hope that question is not intrusive, and if so, feel free to ignore.

I can't even imagine how you must have felt, discovering that there was an older sibling. Your experience with your genetic family must have been so tough.

You sound great, really positive, and once again, thanks for doing this.

My parents had been listening to the news about the plight of children in the aftermath of the Vietnam War. They had two kids of their own but they felt that instead of having more children, they would adopt a child who needed a chance at life. They originally thought about adopting from overseas but when they went to the welfare agency, they were told there were many Native children just as needy. Mom and Dad talked it over with their friends and decided that they would adopt a Native American boy.

When my brother and I were put up for adoption, our genetic father requested that we not be separated. When we were mentioned to our parents, they didn't hesitate to take both of us.

My parents were no strangers to adoption. My dad's sister is adopted, and my godparents adopted a Korean girl from overseas and friends of the family also have adopted kids. It's just that my parents took what was considered at the time to be a radical thing in adopting Native American kids.

I have to admit that growing up it was hard to hear that my parents originally wanted a boy, and I happened to be tagged along with my brother. I was the buy one get one free bargain, in my mind. Not that I was treated as such but hearing the story and being so sensitive, I took it the wrong way. It's something I still feel I have to shake off to this very day.

But I think my parents were pretty cool and courageous, to do what they did. Actually, come to think of it, my parents are still pretty cool.

I'm Adopted, AMA

_Brian wrote: »

As parent to two adopted children I’ve really enjoyed this thread.
Thank you for being so open with your answers.

Thanks for commenting. I wasn't sure if this AMA would be interesting to people but I am really enjoying the questions and discussions.

coleen

I am very interested in hearing how you feel so thanks for sharing how you feel.
My sister has an adopted child they live in the USA.
She is now 10 and now often says when cross I am going to go back to ..... Who is my real Mom.
She knows all about her mom and meets which her birth grandparents.
Her birth Mom wants no contact and she is now in a new realationship and has a son.
The birth grandad told this to her and she was very excited about it and thought she would get to meet him.
But again the birth mom was cross with her dad for sharing this news and rejected the idea of any meeting or contact.
I feel this will be an issue for my niece who must feel rejected. I am hoping that she will be strong enough to deal with it.
She has been provided with therapy.
My question for you is even though you were in a good family and had a happy childhood is there always a sense of rejection

I'm Adopted, AMA

coleen wrote: »

I am very interested in hearing how you feel so thanks for sharing how you feel.
My sister has an adopted child they live in the USA.
She is now 10 and now often says when cross I am going to go back to ..... Who is my real Mom.
She knows all about her mom and meets which her birth grandparents.
Her birth Mom wants no contact and she is now in a new realationship and has a son.
The birth grandad told this to her and she was very excited about it and thought she would get to meet him.
But again the birth mom was cross with her dad for sharing this news and rejected the idea of any meeting or contact.
I feel this will be an issue for my niece who must feel rejected. I am hoping that she will be strong enough to deal with it.
She has been provided with therapy.
My question for you is even though you were in a good family and had a happy childhood is there always a sense of rejection

I'm so sorry that your sister and her daughter are going through this. The tween years are a tough age and to add this on top of that, I can understand why your niece is acting out.

As for the sense of rejection, I did and still do at times feel very much rejected by my genetic family. Particularly because they made it very clear in the files that they never wanted me in the first place. I was put up for adoption because they didn't want me. So yes, I felt it very keenly.

On the other hand, my parents made it very clear that they chose me. Of all the kids in all the world, they chose me and my brother to be their own. My dad told me once that they actually only had 24 hours to decide whether or not to take us, they had never met us, but they said yes. They chose us. They chose me.

Knowing and believing in that choice helps counter the feelings of rejection.

I hope that your sister and niece will develop a loving relationship and that this season of anger and hurt for your niece will pass. Getting her therapy to work through it all is a great gift. I really hope it all works out well for them.

LynnGrace

Have you ever thought about writing a book? Or if not, would doing the AMA here make you consider it? You have a great writing style.

Tell me how

Hello again.

I imagine that one if the hardest things a parent can experience is the loss of a child, either by death or separation/loss of contact. In the case of parents giving their children up for adoption, I imagine this loss is somewhat offset by a sense of doing something to improve the chances of their child finding a decent quality of life.

But in respect to your brother, splitting from your (adopted) family. How difficult was that for your parents to deal with? Did the fact that he had been adopted influence their experience of going through that, in your view?

Tell me how

LynnGrace wrote:

Have you ever thought about writing a book? Or if not, would doing the AMA here make you consider it? You have a great writing style.

I was thinking the same about the writing style. The use of the word "season" to describe a difficult experience/behaviour for a child was wonderful because it implies it is temporary, not permanent. And also, very natural.

I'm Adopted, AMA

Tell me how wrote: »

Hello again.

I imagine that one if the hardest things a parent can experience is the loss of a child, either by death or separation/loss of contact. In the case of parents giving their children up for adoption, I imagine this loss is somewhat offset by a sense of doing something to improve the chances of their child finding a decent quality of life.

But in respect to your brother, splitting from your (adopted) family. How difficult was that for your parents to deal with? Did the fact that he had been adopted influence their experience of going through that, in your view?

Living in Ireland as I do, I'm removed from the immediacy of family issues. I don't actually know all the details of what happened with my brother, but I do know that there were hurtful things said and done on both sides. I think my parents must have gone through the phases of grief with regard to my brother. It was a loss of my brother's love and presence. Of course they would have grieved.

As for my brother being adopted and how that affected my parents, I think it must have added to the hurt, even if they never realised or acknowledged it.

I had an epiphany about my parents during the year I met my genetic family. My mom told me once that when they brought us home from the welfare agency, that it was to her the day she gave birth to us. She was our mother and had that protectiveness of 'don't hurt my kids, or else' with us. But, if it hadn't been for people hurting us, we never would have been hers in the first place. Try wrapping your head around that and you've only an inkling of what my parents must have felt. If not for the abuse we went through, we wouldn't be her kids. The time I met our genetic family was hard on my mom. She was seeing these people hurt us all over again.

So yeah, I think my parents have suffered doubly from what happened with my brother. They chose him and he rejected them. Painfully so.

But in spite of all that, they have always said that if and when he wants to make contact again, they will welcome him with open arms. Like I said, my parents are pretty cool and courageous.

I'm Adopted, AMA

LynnGrace wrote: »

Have you ever thought about writing a book? Or if not, would doing the AMA here make you consider it? You have a great writing style.

Tell me how wrote: »

I was thinking the same about the writing style. The use of the word "season" to describe a difficult experience/behaviour for a child was wonderful because it implies it is temporary, not permanent. And also, very natural.

I've been told by my friends I could write a book, but I wouldn't really know what to say. I feel a book about my experience would be very one sided and I can't speak for anyone else involved, including my genetic family.

I also wouldn't have a suitable ending. There are still things I'm going through and trying to deal with that are a result of my past. It doesn't sound like it but I do have self esteem and confidence issues that I'm trying to overcome. I feel like a book of a story like mine should end with a lesson learned; but I'm still learning the lesson myself.

Thank you for the compliment though.

connemara man

Not sure if you answered bit but how was your relationship with your adopted siblings? How were they as you were growing up?

I'm Adopted, AMA

connemara man wrote: »

Not sure if you answered bit but how was your relationship with your adopted siblings? How were they as you were growing up?

I have talked about that in previous posts; our relationship was always pretty normal growing up. I can add that I asked my older brother recently if mom and dad had prepared them for new siblings but it turns out they hadn't. My brother and sister went to bed one day as two siblings, and the next gained two more.

There was a 6 month probationary period after our adoption. The welfare files I have say that we integrated well and we four kids were getting along just fine.

Nokia6230i

Regarding your brother who has rejected your parents, can you tell me did he go back to your genetic parents?

I can only imagine the chasm this has created. not on "both" but on all sides, and there's quite an amount of healing to be done but I don't know if I'd have the understanding to get there.

Thank you so much for doing this AMA by the way; there's parts of it that are certainly not easy for you.

Yes the anonymity helps but you're still the one answering the questions, revisiting the memories, dealing with the negative outcomes.

I am delighted however your parents & siblings've so much love for you; this is how integration can work here in Ireland too.