wake etiquette

Andy From Sligo

Attended a wake yesterday evening at our neighbours house (well I think thats what you call it where someones just died and they are in the living room with the lid off the coffin) very sad it were, only a young man his whole life ahead of him, only in his 30's used top see him from our back garden and give him a nod and a quick hello and thats about as much as it got. They only moved in about 6 months ago and I was always thinking one day I should get around to chatting to him a bit more and say a proper hello and having a good chat ... but alas never got around to it which is a shame. Real shock that he was taken away too early.

So anyway, me and the mrs called around and paid our condolences to his fiance (so heartbreaking) but today now i am beating myself up over things like whether I put my foot in it by saying the wrong thing (i do have a habit of saying wrong things sometimes, its nerves really and not knowing what to say, and coming out with crap especially in quiet, awkward situations and then thinking what the hell did i say that for!)

Anyway I checked with my mrs afterwards and she said that i was fine and thanked me for coming with her. But we literally must have been there 10 minutes maximum around to the house. We gave our condolences to his Fiance and said how heartbreaking it is then we didnt want to hold up other people paying their condolences to her, we then went and signed a book of condolence and popped a few quid into a envelope of his chosen charity. everyone was being offered drink. I am not a mad drinker myself but there was also tea and coffee on offer. But me and my wife knew nobody else there and my wife just whispered to me to make a move . - its seemed to be mainly family and close friends there I would say.

Anyway so i have eating away at me today that i hope I acted ok and didnt say wrong thing, and the fact that we didnt even stay for longer or for a drink or to toast him - do you think the Fiance and others there will think that a bit off and disrespectful?

I dont even know if we made the right decision to go in, because we are only neighbours, my wife would know her more than me though and has talked to her in the past, and im thinking now maybe we should have dropped a condolence card through the letterbox maybe, but we wanted to pay our respect still.

is there any kind of right way to 'act' when you attend these kind of situations and do you think we were bad for only turning up for 10 minutes and left (I hope we werent and i hope his fiance didnt take it as dis-respectful) - my wife thinks I am just overthinking things and that it was and I was fine.

JimmyMcGill

Did you get a few hang sangiches out of it? Couple of shots of whiskey?

somesoldiers

Sounds to me like you did the right thing. Some eejits think its time for a session regardless of how close or not they are.

As a neighbour a quick in/ Joe Dolances/ out- Perfect

i71jskz5xu42pb

Andy From Sligo wrote: »

my wife thinks I am just overthinking things

Smart woman

diomed

Meeting the relatives and saying a few words helps them.
If you had a prepared speech it would sound insincere.
My old English teacher used to say "emotion destroys words" meaning it is difficult to speak in emotional times.

Whispered

You did fine op. Respectful enough to show your face, sensitive enough to not hang about.
As for what you said to his fiancé, again I'm sure you did fine but even if you did mess up somehow, she is unlikely to remember. Poor lady is probably on autopilot and barley registering anything.

Worrying about nothing. Generally if you're not going to be there a long time then it should just be a short time. Wakes are funny though, they can ebb and flow, one room will become sombre then you'll hear laughing from the kitchen. :pac: Realistically though showing your face is enough unless you're "part" of the whole thing.

Andy From Sligo

Whispered wrote: »

You did fine op. Respectful enough to show your face, sensitive enough to not hang about.
As for what you said to his fiancé, again I'm sure you did fine but even if you did mess up somehow, she is unlikely to remember. Poor lady is probably on autopilot and barley registering anything.

thank you, that helps - and makes sense

nmg_ire

You were spot on in what you did, unless you are very close to the person that died or the family just go in pay your respects and out again.

razorblunt

"I'm sorry for your loss, move on"


Wait no,

"I'm sorry for your loss", then move on.

bee06

Yeah, she won’t even remember you were there I would say. She’ll get condolences from hundreds of people over the next few days and is probably in complete shock anyway. All the faces will just blend into one.

Bunny Colvin

Sounds like you and your Mrs did everything right. Nothing to worry about.

looksee

At my husband's wake my daughter's boss (only in the job, - Jobbridge - a couple of months) drove all the way across the country -around 5 hours trip - to offer his condolences, then was all set to get back in his car and drive away again home, another 5 hours. We insisted he stay for a cup of tea and a bite to eat, and offered a bed if he didn't want to drive back immediately, but no, he had the tea and a sarnie and off he went again. Lovely guy, very traditional Irish country person, we were all deeply appreciative that he did it.

Are Am Eye

Andy From Sligo wrote: »

and paid our condolences

I'm not sure but I think you are meant to offer condolences and pay respects. Optionally you can also share experience, feel their pain, venture a hug, bring a lasagna, lend an ear.

kingchess

Any thing can happen at a wake when the whiskey is flowing freely,I remember one wake for an elderly Farmer where his sons beat up their sisters husband ,and this was a very respected Family in the Parish.

looksee

Are Am Eye wrote: »

I'm not sure but I think you are meant to offer condolences and pay respects. Optionally you can also share experience, feel their pain, venture a hug, bring a lasagna, lend an ear.

Oh what a smart and witty response!

Cee-Jay-Cee

OP you done the right thing, paid your condolences, spoke a few words to his fiance left again. Its not like you were best friends or relatives, you had no reason to hang around any longer.

When my dad died, the people that stood out at his wake were people that lived in the area but we didn't personally know, just knew them to say hello or wave at if meeting them while driving. I thought it was nice of them to come even though we didn't really know them.

The others were people who we knew for years and they sat around talking and drinking and chatting the usual shíte and expected me and my family to have full conversations with them where as all I wanted was peace to grieve.

Are Am Eye

looksee wrote: »

Oh what a smart and witty response!

What's that supposed to mean - you do offer condolences. Factual as opposed to "smart". What else is to discuss - there's nothing you can really say or do that isn't a little awkward and futile. Just be there and empathise. Anyone under the age of ten that doesn't know this can have their parents explain it to them

Neyite

Unless you said something spectacularly stupid then what you said to his bereaved family was likely fine. A sincere "sorry for your loss" is enough. Sharing a nice (and appropriate!) memory you have of the person with their family is nice and personalised. Trying to be funny, not so good.

And in leaving again, I've done it. No offence was taken. They knew I'd driven 2 hrs to get there and needed to hit the road again. Staying for a cuppa is also fine. The ones who go in and keep the cups washed and fresh tea brewing are very much appreciated. The ones you give top marks to are the ones that come bearing milk and teabags and food, or whisk away the littler kids to be minded.

What's not so fine are the ones that turn up before lunch and stay until bedtime and don't take the hint that the family need to go get wreathes or funeral clothes or milk for all that tea. At the last family funeral the neighbours haunted us. Fcuking sick looking at them. They turned up when we were in our PJ's in the morning and were still there at midnight, being waited on hand and foot.

seamus

In these scenarios it's easy to analyse your actions and wonder if you caused offence.

In reality, the bereaved only remember that you came and not what you said or how you acted. Unless you did something outrageous like perch your cup of tea on the body, you'll have done nothing wrong.

freshpopcorn

To me a wake is when you go in pay your respects and you might drop off food to the family. Unless your close/family I don't think you should spend ages hanging around. You might have a cup of tea to be polite but it shouldn't be an excuse for you to have an evening out.

The Backwards Man

Never go into or leave a wake house the same time as a member of the clergy.
Never go into a wake house around the stroke of the hour.
Never go into a wake house on the morning of the funeral.
Never go into a wake house when the corpse is after arriving.

You're only asking to be caught in the rosary.

whiskeyman

Your presence alone would mean a lot.
It's an incredibly tough time for the bereaved, but they will always remember the crowds who showed up to pay their respects and show the love and appreciation they had for the deceased.

whoopsadoodles

I always felt the wake was for very very close friends and family.

Not sure if that's correct or not buy I would not have wanted anyone but those I loved in my house during the wake.

Have never been to the house of anyone I wasn't extremely close to either.

Maybe that's a Dublin thing.

ToddyDoody

Sneeze *away* from the coffin.

Buford T. Justice XIX

You did fine, OP.

We've had a few close family members pass away in the last few years and everybody offering condolences seemed to be a bit embarrassed to be there but the family appreciated everybody taking the time to travel and having the respect for the deceased to pay their respects to the families there.

I barely remember anything said at either of my parents wakes but appreciate folk coming, some from very long distances, to share their memories.

I was chatting to an American lady at a friends mothers funeral recently and it was her first time at an Irish funeral. She was blown away, both with the numbers coming and how much it meant to the family that they did. She said she practically knew the woman from hearing stories, both happy and sad, about the woman and was left very confused between laughing at funny things the deceased lady had done or said and crying at the sad stories about her final years.

You were grand, I wouldn't worry in the least:)

Whispered

whoopsadoodles wrote: »

Maybe that's a Dublin thing.

I'd say it is. I'm from a small town in the south east and wakes are usually crowded affairs. Uncomfortable to be sure, but it seems to be the done thing where I'm from anyway.

You did grand Andy. I understand your concern but there is no magic formula for how to behave at a wake. As long as you're respectful to the family because really that's all you can be. Grief can be so raw and people will express it in different ways. You don't know if you will be met with a person roaring crying or sitting quietly barely saying a word. There's nothing to say that will make any of that better.

Chances are the family and other loved ones won't even notice how you are or what you say or don't say. People can sometimes go through it all like in a daze and if asked about it at a later date can't remember much about the wake and funeral at all.

A neighbour of mine passed away suddenly last year. I went to the wake but only to give my condolences and then left again. It was awful. God love them. "I'm sorry for your loss. If there's anything you need you know where we we are". Then I left.

retro:electro

Where I'm from, a small village in Galway, wakes are basically piss ups. I find it peculiar myself and not something I'd be at all into or want for my family. It seems to be a generational thing. I've noticed that it seems to be the older people in the community who organise them, get drinks in, tell stories etc..
I've been to a few where the guitar is taken out and a few songs are sang (usually for when someone elderly passes, there is more decorum for when it's someone young)
It's a really bizarre practice when you think about it. The person is laid out dead in the room and everyone is having a piss up around them. My mother has told me she wants none of it when she passes and to not tell anyone she's dead until she's buried a week :pac:

Op I think you did well. In and out is the way to do it if you're not overly familiar with the person.

My dad sometimes talks about what we will do when mammy passes away. He has it all planned out The funeral director, made sure there is enough space in the plot, Jaysus like. I can't stand that kind of talk at all.

ChippingSodbury

whoopsadoodles wrote: »

I always felt the wake was for very very close friends and family.

Not sure if that's correct or not buy I would not have wanted anyone but those I loved in my house during the wake.

Have never been to the house of anyone I wasn't extremely close to either.

Maybe that's a Dublin thing.

"Down the country", it's different. I was at a wake for the whole weekend just outside Donegal town last week and there were literally hundreds of people passed through the house. The death was relatively sudden and I was chatting to the son of the deceased on the second day and he had moved on from complete shock to tremendous pride about how people thought of his dad, the funny stories they told etc. He was still sad of course but in a much better place than the day his dad had passed: that's what country wakes are all about...