Pregnant with no support. Please help

dontknow111222

Im 27 and 6 weeks pregnant. My OH is not happy.. at all. He wants me to terminate asap. He's younger than me so I understand hes terrified and why he would want me to get rid. We are not living together and he has just started his career on a temporary contract with no guarantee of it been renewed. I am in my final year of a 4 year course. The only thing is, the course requires me to complete an internship which I must complete throughout the summer months in order to graduate next Sept. Therefore having a baby in the middle of it would be very difficult and I have no idea how I would manage that.

I really am torn on what to do. Its very bad timing but I feel sick about going to UK. My mum died 6 weeks ago and my dad is currently under going chemo, so should I keep this baby I really am alone. I have no supports. I dont think OH will stick around. Plus he's parents will probably disown him. Who would mind the baby when I go back to work for example? MY job require me to work 13 hour days or nights.

I am so upset this evening because he is on to me to book the UK and I mentioned today I dont know if i can go and he nearly went in to cardiac arrest cause he said i promised him I would go and he wont forgive me if i break my promise. I feel I really need my mum right now to help me. I have no one else to talk to hence why Im here. I would really appreciate all advice and opinions on this thank you

annoyedgal

Couldn't not respond, you'll get much better advice on here that I can offer but just wanted to say I'm sorry your going through such a tough time after losing your mum and now dealing with this. It doesn't sound like your getting much support from your boyfriend unfortunately. While I can understand he's upset , you need emotional support not anger. There are very good counselling options that will hopefully give you the support you need. I'm sure another poster will have more details. Really hope things work out for you

Cashy87

I Just pm you

Tigger99

Please contact http://www.positiveoptions.ie

They are a neutral organisation that can calmly talk through the options with you. I'm so sorry that you feel you have little support and I'm sure you feel very panicked right now.

I'm very pro-choice in terms of a woman choosing an abortion if she feels it's right for her but I am getting the impression from your post that perhaps it's not for you.

Please talk to someone neutral. Mind yourself.

dontknow111222

I am not against abortion at all in fact I have had one in the past. But I dont want to go through it again. I just dont feel right about it this time, and when I think about how I would feel after it when baby is gone I feel sick and want to scream inside. On the contrary if I keep it Ill struggle big time and the baby will suffer too

eviltwin

If you are going to have an abortion it should be because it's what you want to do not because it's someone else's wishes. If you are coerced into it against your better judgment I'd be worried you will end up regretting it. Please contact Positive Options and get some individuals counselling with someone impartial.

dontknow111222

He said he would never forgive me if I had it. But if I dont have it ill never forgive myself and Im worried about the impact both this and my mum may have on me and my mental health

Big Bag of Chips

Cashy87, please familiarise yourself with the Forum Charter, and in particular our rule about engaging a poster in PM communication.

I don't doubt your message is coming from a good place, but for the sake of people who post here in a very vulnerable state we cannot encourage a PM exchange to take place. This is for the protection of everyone as we have no way of verifying anyone is who they say they are.

Posters engaging in PM communication through the Personal Issues forum has lead to very real, real life trouble.

OP, please do not reply to any PMs received, and instead stick to asking for and receiving advice in the open forum. Everyone here is anonymous anyway.

Big Bag of Chips

Your bf should be your support at this time, not putting pressure on you. You are both in this situation. You are both confused, but bullying you and threatening you isn't the way forward nor is it a basis for a secure long term relationship. You need to ask him to back off for the moment and give you space.

Have you any friend you think you could confide in? Try positiveoptions as someone else mentioned. Having a baby is never going to be easy. There will always be some reason to postpone it. But similarly if you decide to have the baby, then you will manage like so many others do, with or without your bf. He doesn't sound like you could depend on him in any sort of crisis, though.

Talk to someone. You will make whatever decision is right for you.

Afroshack

Hi OP. I couldn't not respond to you, you sounded so freaked out and alone. You poor thing. I'm afraid I have never been in your shoes so I have very limited advice to offer but here were a few things that came to mind:

If you are due to have a baby during an awkward time in college, speak to your SU welfare officer or your lecturers. You're hardly the first college student to get pregnant so they will help you come to some arrangement. Maybe you could take a year out, defer your internship or work out a maternity leave arrangement? Even pregnant schoolgirls are allowed take leave - and you have some very strong laws on your side.

Financially, you will be entitled to child benefit and lone parent allowance, should you choose to parent alone. Talk to citizens advice and ensure you apply for everything you are entitled to. You won't be flush but nobody is when they first have children. Its the love you can provide that matters.

Ignore your boyfriend. He's emotionally blackmailing you into doing what he wants. How dare he threaten to never "forgive" you. If he had an ounce of respect or decency he'd be supporting you. F*** him.

Finally, feel free to ignore everything I have said. If you want an abortion, it is not up to me to question, belittle or judge your choices. But its clear you want to give this pregnancy a shot and fair play, that's a big decision and your decision alone, but don't guilt yourself into a termination you genuinely don't want.

Ursus Horribilis

OP, please talk to Positive Options as soon as you can http://www.positiveoptions.ie/ rather than that boyfriend of yours. They're trained to help women who have crisis pregnancies and are in all sorts of quandaries. While your current situation is very tough, I've no doubt they've counselled women in even worse situations. Please get in contact with them. They'll have solid information for you, unlike most randomers on the internet.

Sometimes it takes a crisis to find out what a person is really like. All your boyfriend is thinking about here is getting rid of the costly inconvenience baby and seems determined to strong-arm you into getting on that plane come hell or high water. If that's the way he operates, do you really want to have a future with someone so inconsiderate and manipulative?

If this relationship doesn't last, imagine how you'll feel then if you aborted the baby for him. And if he's prepared to end the relationship because you choose to keep his child, then that says a lot about the caring, supportive human being he is.

Edit: I meant to add that I'm not trying to push the anti-abortion viewpoint on you. It's just that I sense that you would like to keep the baby but you're (understandably) terrified out of your wits at the moment. If a termination turns out to be the right decision for you, then that's fair enough. Either decision you make will have long-lasting effects and I wish you well, whichever route you take.

MissShihTzu

I think you're in a very tough spot OP. I really feel for you.

Leave your bloke out of it for a minute. FWIW, I think the relationship is doomed anyway, I'm sorry to say. It's clear he won't support you either way, and 'blames' you for the situation. Anyone would think he had nothing to do with it!

You need to concentrate on YOU and what you want. I think the first thing you need to do is to speak to the college. Afroshack's suggestion is a great one. You need to get them onside and ready to help you should you wish to continue the pregnancy. I would imagine that you will be allowed to defer, and finish the course. It would be a shame not to.

Maybe take a couple of days off to rest and get some thinking space? Do you have any friends you can confide in?

Wishing you the best of luck. It'll work out - whatever you decide to do.

retro:electro

dontknow111222 wrote: »

I am not against abortion at all in fact I have had one in the past. But I dont want to go through it again. I just dont feel right about it this time, and when I think about how I would feel after it when baby is gone I feel sick and want to scream inside. On the contrary if I keep it Ill struggle big time and the baby will suffer too

Don't let him pressure you into having an abortion. So far in your op you've spoken a lot about what he wants but haven't said what you want. You've been through a tough time lately you need to get your head straight before making any monumental decisions. If he's at you don't be afraid to tell him to back off. I'd echo what others have said and urge you to contact PO.

Ursus Horribilis

Afroshack wrote: »

If you are due to have a baby during an awkward time in college, speak to your SU welfare officer or your lecturers. You're hardly the first college student to get pregnant so they will help you come to some arrangement. Maybe you could take a year out, defer your internship or work out a maternity leave arrangement? Even pregnant schoolgirls are allowed take leave - and you have some very strong laws on your side.

For what it's worth, my cousin fell pregnant when she was at college and the father ran to the hills straight away. She decided to keep the baby. With help from the college, she was able to defer and came back a year later to complete her studies. It goes without saying that it was tough going for a while but everything worked out for her.

lazybones32

1: Your college won't deny you any opportunity to complete your course because you are pregnant. You can defer and they will accommodate you. The internship can be sought again or if it's college-determined they can rearrange it. No-one is expecting you to juggle everything at once. No need to fret or worry about that aspect.

2: You are not alone and you have support. I take it you've told no-one yet but family and friends do come to help when they know it's needed (assuming you have 'normal' friends and family). But you have to ask for help first.

3: OH...i can't really add anything or speak for him. But how his parents might react should be of no consideration to you at all. If he's man enough to have sex with you, what's the deal with fearing being disowned for getting a woman pregnant? Try not allow yourself be pressured into any decision from someone who is only thinking of his own @ss.

4: There has to be someone you can talk to face-to-face. Sister, aunt, dad, brother, friend, even a college friend. Family are there when sh*t goes wrong and you'll be surprised at how cool they can be. You are not alone. Talking to an anon counsellor doesn't sound like the best fit for you. I think you need a face to face with someone you know and trust. But that's imo only.

_Whimsical_

You absolutely have to follow your own heart and your own wisdom on this. If everything inside you feels you will regret a termination do not do it for someone else. If you have the baby you will find a way through.
Your OH is putting enormous pressure on you and speaking out of blind panic and fear. I don't think you can trust his wisdom fully here just because he's being more forceful. Try and talk to some crisis pregnancy agency or see a counsellor. You have some time to make your decision but it needs to be YOURS. Give yourself the time and space to do that and get any support you can.

I'm really sorry for evrything that you're going through. I really hope all the comfort and kindness you need comes your way. Wishing you strength x

khaldrogo

dontknow111222 wrote:

He said he would never forgive me if I had it. But if I dont have it ill never forgive myself and Im worried about the impact both this and my mum may have on me and my mental health

The way he is reacting and the pressure he is putting on you would suggest to me that he isn't going to be around for long no matter what you do. Having a baby with a partner there is hard enough, I couldn't do it on my own. I know the decision I would make but nobody can make it for you. Do what you feel is right.

Sephiroth_dude

dontknow111222 wrote: »

He said he would never forgive me if I had it.

He's sounds like a right keeper :rolleyes: do whats best for you, if it doesn't feel right having an abortion this time round don't do it.

GingerLily

khaldrogo wrote: »

The way he is reacting and the pressure he is putting on you would suggest to me that he isn't going to be around for long no matter what you do. Having a baby with a partner there is hard enough, I couldn't do it on my own. I know the decision I would make but nobody can make it for you. Do what you feel is right.

Having a baby in your own is much easier then having a baby with a bad selfish partner.

I can only echo what other posters have said about talking to positive options and your college. You will be able to complete your course and have your baby, if that's your choice, it just might be on a different time scale then you originally planned.

dontknow111222

Thank you all for your replies. I have made an appointment with a counsellor next week so hopefully will help.

I feel I am getting mixed signals from OH though. He told me he would support the baby but wouldn’t continue the relationship as he doesn’t want to play happy families so young in his life. Yet he’s being ever so nice to me and our relationship have never been better, sometimes it feels like I’m not pregnant as it feels like it’s not going on at the moment. I’m so confused

MissMayo

dontknow111222 wrote: »

Thank you all for your replies. I have made an appointment with a counsellor next week so hopefully will help.

I feel I am getting mixed signals from OH though. He told me he would support the baby but wouldn’t continue the relationship as he doesn’t want to play happy families so young in his life. Yet he’s being ever so nice to me and our relationship have never been better, sometimes it feels like I’m not pregnant as it feels like it’s not going on at the moment. I’m so confused

Is it possible that he could be being so nice to try to "encourage" you to do what he wants? Or maybe he's trying to show you how "great" things can be without a baby. I'd wonder how he can be so happy with you, willing to support a baby, but not both.

And the comment about not playing happy families because he's young, if he has a child then he is a father regardless of his age or who he is in a relationship with. If he is happy with your relationship and will support the child without being with you then there is no reason for him to not do both. He is old enough to sleep with you, he is old enough to accept the consequences and "play happy family".

Just remember, the choice is 100% up to you. Try to not let your judgement become clouded by how nice he is currently being. You need to put yourself first and make yourself happy.

Ursus Horribilis

I'm glad to see you're going to a counsellor. Like the poster above me, I think your boyfriend is being manipulative. He's still unhappy you might decide to have his baby and perhaps has decided that the nicey nice approach might work better than ultimatums. He could very easily turn nasty again if he doesn't get his way. I wouldn't trust him as far as I'd throw him.

amtc

I'm really sorry for you losing your mother so recently as that's probably the person you would have gone to. And this probably brings up the last termination as well, even if it didn't feel a bad choice at the time.

Your boyfriend does not sound really supportive. This is a double whammy for you. A counsellor is a good idea but ultimately it'll be your choice. Have you any aunt you could talk too?

If it's any help I have a friend who got pregnant in university...boyfriend ran for the hills. She now has a lovely 21 year old. I have another friend who had two terminations and now is happily married (same guy) with three little ones. So it can work out either way.

My hugs to you, and sympathies on your mother

Fol20

Just playing devils advocate here but everyone is condemning the BF. If you were in his shoes how you would you feel? As other people have rightly mentioned it is 100 her choice so basically he is powerless in this situation. If he’s not ready for it, I can definetly understand his reaction and although it may not be the best way of approaching it. At the end of the day he is going through massive worry and stress from this as well. He is a grown adult and is big enough and stupid enough to make his own decisions but he is also in a tough situation.

I would think very hard to see which way you would like to go. It’s a life long commitment so whatever you choose you just need to make sure it’s 100pc sure. How will your life be after your pregnancy. People say you’ll be fine and you get by but that’s all subjective. You are at a good age for pregnancy but based on where you and your bf are in life, if you are still in college it won’t be impossible but it will be tough for the first few years.

The one thing that stood out to me is your support system. I would definetly talks to your friends. You need your friends in a time like this and if you can’t get it from family or bf, go to your friends.

dontknow111222

I completely understand his point and how he’s so terrified. But he keeps saying he does have a say as it effects his life too which it does. I don’t have a huge network of friends.. about 3/4 and I’m just the type that wouldn’t trust them 100% Incase it got out. I don’t have a close relationship with dad, my brothers more so.

When I think of it, if my mum was still around I would have it no doubt cause I know she would help mind it. But dad is sick (chemo) and would be terrified of minding it (he’s like this with my brothers baby) and I’m just so panicked about who will mind it when I work etc or even want to just go shopping for an hour or meet a friend for tea. Financially I reckon I’ll be ok. It’s iust caring for her solo is my biggest issue and loosing my BF also. He may sound like a d*** on here and his reaction is mean but he’s a good guy overall, we are very close and I am very close to his family too

MissShihTzu

dontknow111222 wrote: »

I completely understand his point and how he’s so terrified. But he keeps saying he does have a say as it effects his life too which it does. I don’t have a huge network of friends.. about 3/4 and I’m just the type that wouldn’t trust them 100% Incase it got out. I don’t have a close relationship with dad, my brothers more so.

When I think of it, if my mum was still around I would have it no doubt cause I know she would help mind it. But dad is sick (chemo) and would be terrified of minding it (he’s like this with my brothers baby) and I’m just so panicked about who will mind it when I work etc or even want to just go shopping for an hour or meet a friend for tea. Financially I reckon I’ll be ok. It’s iust caring for her solo is my biggest issue and loosing my BF also. He may sound like a d*** on here and his reaction is mean but he’s a good guy overall, we are very close and I am very close to his family too

Sorry, love. He's STILL being a selfish Pr1ck and he is NOT a good guy. If he was, he wouldn't put you in this awful position and he would support you with all that you are going through. I don't buy it at all.

If he didn't want to play Happy Families so young, then he should have taken care of business! He's behaving as though you trapped him. You didn't - it takes two to tango, and Boyfriend needs to brush up on his biology!!

Don't worry about him or his family, however close you are to them. Concentrate on you and what you want. Keep posting on here if you feel you need more support. For what it's worth, you have my sympathy and my support.

Stay strong! There is always a way.

shesty

It's just the difference between men and women OP.He's not the one left holding the baby, figuratively speaking.He doesn't have to go through 9 months of pregnancy, seeing scans, watching his body change.It's a theoretical concept that honestly,he doesn't really have to deal with for another 8 months or so.If you decide to terminate, he can wash his hands of the whole affair, walk away and forget about it, should he choose to.
The decision is up to you at the end of the day.You're actually coming from a strong place in one sense as you know what an abotion is like and how it feels afterwards (sorry, I know that might sound a bit backwards).In some ways I wouldn't worry too much about who would mind it-you would be amazed what or who comes into your life when you have kids.(I have two) a good childminder, a creche worker who would babysit for you, a good neighbour-it's very surprising.
Make the decision for you and you alone.

Adviceme

Oh OP. Sending love xx

I was in a similar enough situation last year.
My mum had just died and I got pregnant. I was completely lost and confused as to what to do. My partner at the time was working nights and sleeping days.

My head was wrecked with grief and "what ifs". We would have had very little support. I made the hard decision to terminate. I was 8 weeks gone.

This is a decision only you can make. After the termination, I had many feelings. Guilt, sadness, grief and also...a bit of relief. It did take me a year to come full-circle and unfortunately my relationship did not survive it. It's an extremely personal situation but I would recommend thinking hard about how you would support a child and every possible outcome.

My baby would have been a year old in 5 days. I know I made the best decision for myself at the time. It was hard but looking back I know I did the right thing.

Be kind to yourself xx

ShaShaBear

Fol20 wrote: »

Just playing devils advocate here but everyone is condemning the BF. If you were in his shoes how you would you feel? As other people have rightly mentioned it is 100 her choice so basically he is powerless in this situation. If he’s not ready for it, I can definetly understand his reaction and although it may not be the best way of approaching it. At the end of the day he is going through massive worry and stress from this as well. He is a grown adult and is big enough and stupid enough to make his own decisions but he is also in a tough situation.

While I understand that he is undoubtedly stressed and worried, as I am sure the OP is, he had every opportunity to prevent a pregnancy if he truly wished. It takes two to tango, and he clearly took a risk and the result was pregnancy. He has no more right to force her into abortion than he does to force her to keep it. After all, the most he will ever likely need to do is provide some financial assistance - it's the OP who will be burdened on a day-to-day basis!

OP, I was very fortunate to have a good support network, but I'd just like to say I fell pregnant in the second month of my final year in college, in a science-based course. There were many practical elements that it was unsafe for me to participate in, but the department accommodated me in every way and in ways I did not expect nor even ask for. I collected my degree with my baby girl in tow. Don't let college deter you, if you are leaning towards keeping the baby. I'm 100% pro-choice, but it certainly does sound like, in this case, abortion is not what you want.

Romantic Rose

Oh darling, I could have written this post 5 years ago exactly. An unplanned pregnancy at 27 with a person who didn't care about me or the baby (in my case). My mother had passed away 2 years previous and my family were of little to no support.

In my case, I always wanted to keep my baby.

I went on to have my baby and she is the best thing that ever happened to me and she is the light of my life. My life certainly didn't turn out the way I expected but I'm so happy now. I moved back home and I eventually met my now husband. I would never have met him if I stayed in the city.

The only thing having my baby impacted on is my career. I had to take a career break as I couldn't afford to live in the city on my own. I eventually gave up my permanent job and had to start from scratch again. I'm no where near where I was financially or job security wise.

It really comes down if you want to keep the baby or not. Just know that you are strong enough to have a baby on your own but think of other things like financial security, putting your career on the back burner, where will you both live, who will mind the baby if you need a rest, want to go back to work etc.

I really wish you luck in whatever you decide and you can chat to me anytime you wish x

dontknow111222

thank you all for your replies. you have been very helpful. situation remains unchanged. he keeps asking/begging me to go and reminding me of the financial implications how ill never be able to travel or do the masters i wanted, or work properly again because ill be so tired being up with a baby all night. He also reminds me of how wild they can be when they get to 4/5. On the other hand when i think about going, i think of how sad i will feel afterwards when i can feel it leave me etc and that feeling of no longer being pregnant. the worst part is i am running out of time in a sense because i refuse to have a surgical abortion- been there done that and they are not pleasant