Pregnant with no support. Please help

Big Bag of Chips

You need to ask him to leave you be for the moment. I'm sorry to say, but this relationship doesn't seem like it's going to last, whichever decision you make. Keep it, he'll probably leave you. Abort, you'll probably end up resenting/blaming him and leaving him.

Babies aren't the end of your life. There's no promise that you'll be up all night or that 4/5 year olds are wild by default. I have 4 children. All good sleepers. Woke twice during the night to be fed for the first few weeks, then once, then all slept from about 7-8 weeks on from around 11pm - 7am. By 3 months they were all sleeping 7-7. There's also no reason why you won't be able to finish your masters etc. My husband has 4 children and is in the middle of his!

You really seem to be leaning towards not having an abortion so you need to ask your bf to stop mythering you for a while. Block him if you have to. Just to give yourself a bit of space to think. He doesn't seem to be thinking about you, how you are feeling and he doesn't seem genuine in his concern for how this may impact you. The cynic in me thinks his main concern is the impact this will have on him in the eyes of his parents.

Whichever decision you make it will be permanent.

um7y1h83ge06nx

Tough situation.

Maybe your bf will come around. I'm a man and recent father. Despite being married in a stable long term relationship, financially in a decent state touch wood and having family supports I had a few private freak outs during the pregnancy which was planned!

I didn't say anything to the wife and didn't consider termination but I did freak out a little inside if I was really ready and would I make a good father. Of course we gave it good thought and discussed before we tried but I couldn't help those feelings at times. And that's a planned pregnancy!

So what I'm trying to say is that maybe he is having a temporary freak out. Yes some of the things he is saying are terrible but maybe that's his way of freaking out, hoping his mind will clear. I would definitely recommend going to someone like Positive Options together, it might clear his mind.

Either way the very best of luck OP.

MissShihTzu

dontknow111222 wrote: »

thank you all for your replies. you have been very helpful. situation remains unchanged. he keeps asking/begging me to go and reminding me of the financial implications how ill never be able to travel or do the masters i wanted, or work properly again because ill be so tired being up with a baby all night. He also reminds me of how wild they can be when they get to 4/5. On the other hand when i think about going, i think of how sad i will feel afterwards when i can feel it leave me etc and that feeling of no longer being pregnant. the worst part is i am running out of time in a sense because i refuse to have a surgical abortion- been there done that and they are not pleasant

Really? Is this guy for real?? This has just reinforced my (already low) opinion of him and his selfishness. What makes him think you cannot travel or do your Masters? You can still do these things - even with a baby in tow! Imagine that :rolleyes: IF that's what you want to do. As for how 'wild' the children might be? Please!

He sounds increasingly desperate. I'm with BBOC here. Ignore the silly boy. He's not giving you space to think and rest which is what you need to do. He's like a toddler himself - Waa, waa, waa, Me, me me!

Will you be going back to the counsellor? And have you had a chance to talk to the Welfare people at the college yet?

Mind how you go!

Ursus Horribilis

Did you say you'd booked an appointment with Positive Options or some other crisis pregnancy counselling service? Because from where I'm sitting, I feel you badly need to talk to someone who'll not be in your ear and biased like the way your boyfriend is. He sounds utterly heartless and I think you've been given an insight into what sort of person he really is. I would have thought a lot more of him if he'd openly admitted he's freaking out but was willing to support you, whatever you chose to do. I don't think he particularly cares about what you're going through or what you will go through. Getting rid of that baby is all that he wants. I'm not even sure he'll care once it's gone. Whereas you're the person who'll be affected by the choice you make, whatever it is. You don't need me to be telling you this - you've already had an abortion and know exactly what it feels like. My impression from your very first post is that you're leaning toward keeping the baby. If that is the case, then please don't have an abortion just to keep your boyfriend. I don't think it's a good enough reason.

retro:electro

Your relationship will never be the same after this either way, op. Either you will have made a decision you'll regret and have him stick around for a while, or you'll tell him you're keeping it and he'll be resistant to that. How long have you two been together? He sounds like he's pressuring you, although being covert enough about it. He's telling you all the negative parts and stressing you out and trying to break you. Please talk to someone impartial about this. I would hate if you regretted doing something that you knew deep down inside you didn't want to do.

Big Bag of Chips

dontknow111222 wrote: »

he keeps asking/begging me to go and reminding me of the financial implications how ill never be able to travel or do the masters i wanted, or work properly again because ill be so tired being up with a baby all night. He also reminds me of how wild they can be when they get to 4/5.

By this logic then nobody should ever have children. Other than perhaps better financial position in 10 years time (although not guaranteed) and a completed Masters, all those other reasons would still be there is 5 years or 10 years time, according to him. Or does he think if you had a baby in 10 years time that it would be a better sleeper and not wild at 4/5?

As mentioned, he's panicking. Understandably. As also mentioned even planned pregnancies bring panic! But in his panic he is not considering you, at all.

Toots

OP has your college got a counsellor? A friend of mine ended up in a similar situation to you - got pregnant during college, BF pushed for an abortion and when she said no he legged it - she went and spoke to the counselling service in her college and they were really helpful. The college also provided subsidised child care so she was able to finish her degree after she had the baby. She did her masters when the child was 3, and worked at the same time. Now her son is 10, and she's just recently bought a house on her own and is very successful in her career, and her child is a lovely little guy. Not saying it was easy, but it's definitely do-able. Your BF is being very unfair to you, he doesn't seem to care how this is going to affect you, it sounds to me like he's trying to paint an awful picture of how it would be if you kept the baby in the hopes that you'll terminate.

If you feel that a termination is the right thing for you, then that's one thing, but from what you're saying it sounds like you don't want to do it. Definitely speak to a neutral counsellor who'll be able to give you unbiased advice and isn't trying to push an agenda on you. You mention your BF is afraid his parents will disown him if he has a child. I wonder what they'd think if they found out that he'd gotten his girlfriend pregnant and was trying to force her to get an abortion that she wasn't sure she wanted.

Ursus Horribilis

Out of curiosity, is your boyfriend from another culture? It might explain why he's apparently so concerned about what his parents will think.

MissShihTzu

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Out of curiosity, is your boyfriend from another culture? It might explain why he's apparently so concerned about what his parents will think.

I don't think it's cultural. I think it's sheer panic, and throwing in everything he can think of so that the OP is pressured and bullied into doing what he wants. Having said that, some parents might not be cool with the idea either at first, but what's done is done. The OP needs space to figure out what she wants to do and how she's going to do it.

MissMayo

dontknow111222 wrote: »

thank you all for your replies. you have been very helpful. situation remains unchanged. he keeps asking/begging me to go and reminding me of the financial implications how ill never be able to travel or do the masters i wanted, or work properly again because ill be so tired being up with a baby all night. He also reminds me of how wild they can be when they get to 4/5. On the other hand when i think about going, i think of how sad i will feel afterwards when i can feel it leave me etc and that feeling of no longer being pregnant. the worst part is i am running out of time in a sense because i refuse to have a surgical abortion- been there done that and they are not pleasant

Children can also grow up to be serial killers, so that's another reason to not keep it... What a load of rubbish! If everyone lived their lives in a "what if" scenario then no one would ever commit to anything. Some children are wild when they're young, some aren't. Some children keep their parents up all night, some don't. Plenty of women go through college while pregnant or with young children, I recently completed a PLC course in Business and a girl in my class was a single mother in her early 20's, had two young sons and was doing the course as well as working full-time in a beauty salon, and do you know what her final results were? Distinctions in every single subject!

I'm not trying to be too blunt here, apologies if I seem like I am, but you say that you can already tell how sad you will feel if you choose to end your pregnancy, how will you feel if you choose to end your relationship? I am asking because I haven't seen you say that you would be upset by that. Is this man worth giving up your baby for? If you choose to terminate the pregnancy for him will he think that he had full control over you and stay trying to dictate some of your other actions in the future?

Ann84

Hi OP, sorry to hear you are in this position.
I was once there myself as you were before - I think deep down you know what you want to do (or that’s what you need to get to)

thinking of the “what if’s” of either scenario will drive you completely mad.... no one knows how it will work out for you whatever choice you make and unfortunately your the one who will have to get on with things either way so you just have to go with your gut I think.

My experience felt like no matter what path I chose there were going to be good and bad consequences, I made my choice and whenever I feel bad about how it played out, I just remember that it was the right choice at the time I had to make it.

Becoming a single parent isn’t the end of the world - depending on circumstances and support and of course each individuals ability to cope, it can be easy, for others it can be very limiting - but you have to want it more than the alternative.

From seeing friends deal with abortion, it varies from relief to regret... based mainly on whether they felt pressured into it or felt it was completely their decision.

The only thing that defines the ability to overcome moments of doubt is knowing that they themselves made the decision that led to the circumstances that they find themselves in now - so please get some counseling yourself, try to figure out deep down what you feel is the best for you now looking forward...

No one can tell you how things will work out for you, not even you - so just try to think about what the right decision for you seems like in this moment - because that will be what you reflect on in the future.

Best wishes

shesty

OP can you please try to disregard his comments because they are unhelpful and untrue.Kids aren't 4/5 forever.If he thinks that's wild, he clearly has never met a 2/3 year old.You are not actually up with your child all night forever.My pair sleep and they are still small. When it's your own child, it is different.Cliche, but true.You can travel.We do.You can get an education.I finished a masters with a newborn.I know someone who is currently training to change career and her second came in the middle of it.

Life does go on around and after kids.It doesn't bring your life to a complete stop forever.You make changes, you adjust, and it does work out.Your timetable may change, you will meet new people along the way and you will find yourself doing things you never thought of.It's hard but I have yet to find anything worthwhile that is not hard.

I think your response to him needs to start being along the lines of what he sees his involvement being if you do have the child, given the pressure he is putting you under.There are two sides to everything and while it's pretty clear what he wants, what does he see happening with him if it doesn't go that way?

ciara007

shesty wrote: »

OP can you please try to disregard his comments because they are unhelpful and untrue.Kids aren't 4/5 forever.If he thinks that's wild, he clearly has never met a 2/3 year old.You are not actually up with your child all night forever.My pair sleep and they are still small.

Totally agree with the above comment. I had a baby in 2016 we were totally shocked at first but once we both got are heads around it after a week or two we were delighted and now I couldn't imagine life without my little one. Family may be shocked at first but once they see the baby they usually come around. My little one was an awful sleeper however you get on with things and coffee helps. It sounds as though he is trying to scare you by presenting you with worse case situations. However from my experience kids are like farts and you really dont mind your own. You need to take time out and focus on what you want. Its far too big a decision to be guilted into by someone. You need to take your boyfriend out of the equation and think about your future. Best wishes

Neyite

There's never an optimum time for a pregancy. Ours was planned and actually yearned for for years, but that moment I got the positive test, my heart started to race and I momentarily freaked that we had done the wrong thing.

We had ours at the height of the recession. Both of us had had big pay cuts and we were frugal to the bone because we had to be. Both our jobs could have gone at any moment but age-wise, it was then or never. We took a leap into the unknown. We have zero regrets.

You really need some space to listen to what YOU want here. Block him or avoid him for a week or so to think properly without him bulldozing his wants and needs on you. I'm sympathetic to the fact he's freaking out but pressurising you into a termination when you are clearly unsure about what you want is wrong of him. This has to be your decision and yours alone. Gather up the information by going to Positive Options and the Uni Counsellor. Look into entitlements or deferments or other things that might help you. Gather all the information and go somewhere without him to think it all through.

The_Conductor

OP- there really never is a perfect time to have a baby.
We had two premature babies here- born at 31 and 32 weeks- our little guy had to be fed 15ml every 40 minutes at the start- day and night- our little girl, despite being 8 weeks premature- was a lot easier and able to feed normally from the start.

We were both in our late 30s when we had ours- and while we had each other- we had no family support- and both have poor health ourselves.

Their arrival has changed our careers, and indeed- what we value in life. Children do change you. What is important to you now- may very well take second priority later in the day.

Talk to Positive Options- and also to your student's union and university- most of the larger universities have childcare facilities to assist students and staff these days- run on a not-for-profit basis (don't get me wrong- they're not cheap- but they are there- and they are accessible).

As for your 'boyfriend'- he is being selfish in the extreme- and is desperately trying to paint a picture for you which highlights all of the downsides, and none of the upsides- but is doing it in such an underhand manner. Regardless of what you do- the writing is on the wall- you'll either be bitter towards him- or he runs to the hills- in either event- he is a non-starter. Its safest to picture a future without him in it- regardless of what you do.

Its probably better if you look at the current situation- in isolation of the other events that are going on in your life.
Not everyone has family support- for various reasons- somehow, we survive- not easily at times- but we do get there.

Ignore your boyfriend on this- go and speak to someone in person- someone who is nonjudgemental, but in a position to outline things to you.

I'd also emphasise again- you can't say that now isn't a good time- and a different time would be better- you just don't know- and regardless of what time it is- there is never an ideal time- when all the stars align, and everything is perfect- like you see in some movies- it just doesn't exist.

homerjay2005

Fol20 wrote: »

Just playing devils advocate here but everyone is condemning the BF.

and correctly so. he comes across as a right asshole.

not ready for it? well t*ugh sh*t. he has no choice now, he has to live by his actions and he should be supporting his girlfriend.

i do think however sadly, he wont be around long no matter what happens.

Big Bag of Chips

As you have another thread open in PI, I will lock this one.