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Pregnant with no support. Please help

dontknow111222

Im 27 and 6 weeks pregnant. My OH is not happy.. at all. He wants me to terminate asap. He's younger than me so I understand hes terrified and why he would want me to get rid. We are not living together and he has just started his career on a temporary contract with no guarantee of it been renewed. I am in my final year of a 4 year course. The only thing is, the course requires me to complete an internship which I must complete throughout the summer months in order to graduate next Sept. Therefore having a baby in the middle of it would be very difficult and I have no idea how I would manage that.

I really am torn on what to do. Its very bad timing but I feel sick about going to UK. My mum died 6 weeks ago and my dad is currently under going chemo, so should I keep this baby I really am alone. I have no supports. I dont think OH will stick around. Plus he's parents will probably disown him. Who would mind the baby when I go back to work for example? MY job require me to work 13 hour days or nights.

I am so upset this evening because he is on to me to book the UK and I mentioned today I dont know if i can go and he nearly went in to cardiac arrest cause he said i promised him I would go and he wont forgive me if i break my promise. I feel I really need my mum right now to help me. I have no one else to talk to hence why Im here. I would really appreciate all advice and opinions on this thank you

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Sephiroth_dude

dontknow111222 wrote: »

He said he would never forgive me if I had it.

He's sounds like a right keeper :rolleyes: do whats best for you, if it doesn't feel right having an abortion this time round don't do it.

khaldrogo

dontknow111222 wrote:

He said he would never forgive me if I had it. But if I dont have it ill never forgive myself and Im worried about the impact both this and my mum may have on me and my mental health

The way he is reacting and the pressure he is putting on you would suggest to me that he isn't going to be around for long no matter what you do. Having a baby with a partner there is hard enough, I couldn't do it on my own. I know the decision I would make but nobody can make it for you. Do what you feel is right.

_Whimsical_

You absolutely have to follow your own heart and your own wisdom on this. If everything inside you feels you will regret a termination do not do it for someone else. If you have the baby you will find a way through.
Your OH is putting enormous pressure on you and speaking out of blind panic and fear. I don't think you can trust his wisdom fully here just because he's being more forceful. Try and talk to some crisis pregnancy agency or see a counsellor. You have some time to make your decision but it needs to be YOURS. Give yourself the time and space to do that and get any support you can.

I'm really sorry for evrything that you're going through. I really hope all the comfort and kindness you need comes your way. Wishing you strength x

lazybones32

1: Your college won't deny you any opportunity to complete your course because you are pregnant. You can defer and they will accommodate you. The internship can be sought again or if it's college-determined they can rearrange it. No-one is expecting you to juggle everything at once. No need to fret or worry about that aspect.

2: You are not alone and you have support. I take it you've told no-one yet but family and friends do come to help when they know it's needed (assuming you have 'normal' friends and family). But you have to ask for help first.

3: OH...i can't really add anything or speak for him. But how his parents might react should be of no consideration to you at all. If he's man enough to have sex with you, what's the deal with fearing being disowned for getting a woman pregnant? Try not allow yourself be pressured into any decision from someone who is only thinking of his own @ss.

4: There has to be someone you can talk to face-to-face. Sister, aunt, dad, brother, friend, even a college friend. Family are there when sh*t goes wrong and you'll be surprised at how cool they can be. You are not alone. Talking to an anon counsellor doesn't sound like the best fit for you. I think you need a face to face with someone you know and trust. But that's imo only.

Ursus Horribilis

Afroshack wrote: »

If you are due to have a baby during an awkward time in college, speak to your SU welfare officer or your lecturers. You're hardly the first college student to get pregnant so they will help you come to some arrangement. Maybe you could take a year out, defer your internship or work out a maternity leave arrangement? Even pregnant schoolgirls are allowed take leave - and you have some very strong laws on your side.

For what it's worth, my cousin fell pregnant when she was at college and the father ran to the hills straight away. She decided to keep the baby. With help from the college, she was able to defer and came back a year later to complete her studies. It goes without saying that it was tough going for a while but everything worked out for her.

retro:electro

dontknow111222 wrote: »

I am not against abortion at all in fact I have had one in the past. But I dont want to go through it again. I just dont feel right about it this time, and when I think about how I would feel after it when baby is gone I feel sick and want to scream inside. On the contrary if I keep it Ill struggle big time and the baby will suffer too

Don't let him pressure you into having an abortion. So far in your op you've spoken a lot about what he wants but haven't said what you want. You've been through a tough time lately you need to get your head straight before making any monumental decisions. If he's at you don't be afraid to tell him to back off. I'd echo what others have said and urge you to contact PO.

MissShihTzu

I think you're in a very tough spot OP. I really feel for you.

Leave your bloke out of it for a minute. FWIW, I think the relationship is doomed anyway, I'm sorry to say. It's clear he won't support you either way, and 'blames' you for the situation. Anyone would think he had nothing to do with it!

You need to concentrate on YOU and what you want. I think the first thing you need to do is to speak to the college. Afroshack's suggestion is a great one. You need to get them onside and ready to help you should you wish to continue the pregnancy. I would imagine that you will be allowed to defer, and finish the course. It would be a shame not to.

Maybe take a couple of days off to rest and get some thinking space? Do you have any friends you can confide in?

Wishing you the best of luck. It'll work out - whatever you decide to do.

Ursus Horribilis

OP, please talk to Positive Options as soon as you can http://www.positiveoptions.ie/ rather than that boyfriend of yours. They're trained to help women who have crisis pregnancies and are in all sorts of quandaries. While your current situation is very tough, I've no doubt they've counselled women in even worse situations. Please get in contact with them. They'll have solid information for you, unlike most randomers on the internet.

Sometimes it takes a crisis to find out what a person is really like. All your boyfriend is thinking about here is getting rid of the costly inconvenience baby and seems determined to strong-arm you into getting on that plane come hell or high water. If that's the way he operates, do you really want to have a future with someone so inconsiderate and manipulative?

If this relationship doesn't last, imagine how you'll feel then if you aborted the baby for him. And if he's prepared to end the relationship because you choose to keep his child, then that says a lot about the caring, supportive human being he is.

Edit: I meant to add that I'm not trying to push the anti-abortion viewpoint on you. It's just that I sense that you would like to keep the baby but you're (understandably) terrified out of your wits at the moment. If a termination turns out to be the right decision for you, then that's fair enough. Either decision you make will have long-lasting effects and I wish you well, whichever route you take.

Afroshack

Hi OP. I couldn't not respond to you, you sounded so freaked out and alone. You poor thing. I'm afraid I have never been in your shoes so I have very limited advice to offer but here were a few things that came to mind:

If you are due to have a baby during an awkward time in college, speak to your SU welfare officer or your lecturers. You're hardly the first college student to get pregnant so they will help you come to some arrangement. Maybe you could take a year out, defer your internship or work out a maternity leave arrangement? Even pregnant schoolgirls are allowed take leave - and you have some very strong laws on your side.

Financially, you will be entitled to child benefit and lone parent allowance, should you choose to parent alone. Talk to citizens advice and ensure you apply for everything you are entitled to. You won't be flush but nobody is when they first have children. Its the love you can provide that matters.

Ignore your boyfriend. He's emotionally blackmailing you into doing what he wants. How dare he threaten to never "forgive" you. If he had an ounce of respect or decency he'd be supporting you. F*** him.

Finally, feel free to ignore everything I have said. If you want an abortion, it is not up to me to question, belittle or judge your choices. But its clear you want to give this pregnancy a shot and fair play, that's a big decision and your decision alone, but don't guilt yourself into a termination you genuinely don't want.

Big Bag of Chips

Your bf should be your support at this time, not putting pressure on you. You are both in this situation. You are both confused, but bullying you and threatening you isn't the way forward nor is it a basis for a secure long term relationship. You need to ask him to back off for the moment and give you space.

Have you any friend you think you could confide in? Try positiveoptions as someone else mentioned. Having a baby is never going to be easy. There will always be some reason to postpone it. But similarly if you decide to have the baby, then you will manage like so many others do, with or without your bf. He doesn't sound like you could depend on him in any sort of crisis, though.

Talk to someone. You will make whatever decision is right for you.

Big Bag of Chips

Cashy87, please familiarise yourself with the Forum Charter, and in particular our rule about engaging a poster in PM communication.

I don't doubt your message is coming from a good place, but for the sake of people who post here in a very vulnerable state we cannot encourage a PM exchange to take place. This is for the protection of everyone as we have no way of verifying anyone is who they say they are.

Posters engaging in PM communication through the Personal Issues forum has lead to very real, real life trouble.

OP, please do not reply to any PMs received, and instead stick to asking for and receiving advice in the open forum. Everyone here is anonymous anyway.

dontknow111222

He said he would never forgive me if I had it. But if I dont have it ill never forgive myself and Im worried about the impact both this and my mum may have on me and my mental health

eviltwin

If you are going to have an abortion it should be because it's what you want to do not because it's someone else's wishes. If you are coerced into it against your better judgment I'd be worried you will end up regretting it. Please contact Positive Options and get some individuals counselling with someone impartial.

dontknow111222

I am not against abortion at all in fact I have had one in the past. But I dont want to go through it again. I just dont feel right about it this time, and when I think about how I would feel after it when baby is gone I feel sick and want to scream inside. On the contrary if I keep it Ill struggle big time and the baby will suffer too

Tigger99

Please contact http://www.positiveoptions.ie

They are a neutral organisation that can calmly talk through the options with you. I'm so sorry that you feel you have little support and I'm sure you feel very panicked right now.

I'm very pro-choice in terms of a woman choosing an abortion if she feels it's right for her but I am getting the impression from your post that perhaps it's not for you.

Please talk to someone neutral. Mind yourself.

Cashy87

I Just pm you

annoyedgal

Couldn't not respond, you'll get much better advice on here that I can offer but just wanted to say I'm sorry your going through such a tough time after losing your mum and now dealing with this. It doesn't sound like your getting much support from your boyfriend unfortunately. While I can understand he's upset , you need emotional support not anger. There are very good counselling options that will hopefully give you the support you need. I'm sure another poster will have more details. Really hope things work out for you