Wedding Issues

Addle

How have you still no idea after reading all the responses above?
Say no.
You're asking for drama if you slow her to join you.

jm92

Addle wrote: »

How have you still no idea after reading all the responses above?
Say no.
You're asking for drama if you slow her to join you.

I mean it as its easier said than done . My family will start WW3 if she's not invited. But that being said , I am standing my ground on a lot more things from now on and cutting contact to a minimum. As for Saturday I will speak to my fiancé later about it . Its not like throwing a friend out of the group . I'm not stupid , I know shes asking me cause she's petrified when people ask her about it and she has to say she wasn't there. its to make her look good .

Big Bag of Chips

Just reply and say "No, it's grand. I've arranged with someone else. Talk to you later".

And leave it at that.

Don't give her any details. Don't tell her time or place. Contact any bridal shop you have an appointment in and tell them to not confirm your appointment with anyone who might ring enquiring.

Who cares what other people think? Who cares what she thinks other people will think? None of that is your concern. Live your life to suit you. You will never suit everyone else, so you might as well suit yourself. Otherwise you're trying to please people who will always find fault, AND upsetting yourself too.

GingerLily

If you want to act diplomatic (which I don't think your mother deserves) can you just bring your bridesmaids and no mothers to your first trip?
You don't need to make a decision to exclude your mom from everything right now but definitely work on distancing yourself.

If you happen to find "the dress" you can bring your mom another time to get her opinion?

Big Bag of Chips

GingerLily wrote: »

If you happen to find "the dress" you can bring your mom another time to get her opinion?

And give her the chance to point out everything that's wrong with it? I wouldn't bother. Pick what suits you. And keep avoiding the discussion with her or fobbing her off when she brings it up.

It is possible to do!

kylith

I'd be inclined to say OK, as long as there are other people coming too. She's likely to be on her best behaviour, and if not you have people in your corner.

Addle

jm92 wrote: »

I mean it as its easier said than done . My family will start WW3 if she's not invited. But that being said , I am standing my ground on a lot more things from now on and cutting contact to a minimum. As for Saturday I will speak to my fiancé later about it . Its not like throwing a friend out of the group . I'm not stupid , I know shes asking me cause she's petrified when people ask her about it and she has to say she wasn't there. its to make her look good .

Not ever bride to be brings their mother wedding dress shopping with them.

jm92

Addle wrote: »

Not ever bride to be brings there mother wedding dress shopping with them.

She knows I'm Angry and she knows if she were to come Saturday that '' the fiancé she cant stand now' mother and sister, who is my maid of honour, will be there . Unfortunately, my other bridesmaids are either on holidays or couldn't get this specific time off work for this appointment. She will have to behave, that being said, she also is still her critical and judgemental self. I know for a fact she had a hairdresser appointment this week with our neighbour ans she would of quizzed the crap outta her about the wedding . I think this got to her cause she cant say anything about the weekend since she so kindly started a fight right before it.

Tigger99

You've two choices. Let her go and it'll no doubt be stressful and not enjoyable.

Or say no its ok, thanks. Because you know what, if you don't the wedding is just going to get more and more stressful.

Sometimes our mothers aren't nice people. We can give out about it or we can stop feeding them information that they'll use against us.

You need to distance yourself from her and her life and create some boundaries. Nobody can do that but you.

jm92

Tigger99 wrote: »

You've two choices. Let her go and it'll no doubt be stressful and not enjoyable.

Or say no its ok, thanks. Because you know what, if you don't the wedding is just going to get more and more stressful.

Sometimes our mothers aren't nice people. We can give out about it or we can stop feeding them information that they'll use against us.

You need to distance yourself from her and her life and create some boundaries. Nobody can do that but you.

Thank you for the advice , Thanks to everyone . I really appreciate it and it has taught me some things I need to do . Making myself priority over a controlling mother is one of them

jelly&icecream

jm92 wrote: »

Got a message off her today " do you want me to go Saturday ". I've no idea what to do .

Either ignore her or simply say no. Don't give any reasons justifying your no. Just a simple no. Any long messages you send her to outlining your issues with her and how she has hurt you will only be used against you when she pulls a 'woe is me' act.

She's a narcissist and is never going to change. You may see your father as the 'nice' one but he's been enabling her horrendous behavior your whole life. Do you plan on having kids in the future? If you do, would you want them being exposed to her toxic behavior as you have been. She'll probably try to consistently undermine you around them.

You're going to have to at a minimum keep her at an arms length. If that's not possible you'll have to cut her off altogether at some stage. That's if you value your sanity and the new family you're creating with your fiancée. Its going to be tough though because you've have years of conditioning to do whatever you can to please her no matter how harmful it is to you and no matter how ridiculous it is.

There's a forum on the babycentre website called 'DWIL Nation'. Google it. Its quite americanised and a bit OTT at times but if you read though some of the longest threads there you'll see posters lives being ruined by people like your mother. Some manage to excape their clutches and some don't. You might find it useful to look through.

groovyg

Op if your hair is falling out and your health is suffering from the stress she is causing you then you need to be super selfish and look after numero uno - yourself. Just send a very short message - saying its grand she does't need to attend - have a nice weekend or something along those lines. For your own mental and physical health keep messages very short and share very little information with her.

Persiancowboy

Stand your ground or face into her trying to exert control over you and everything you do into the future.

Most bullies cannot take someone who stands up to them...she is most likely no different.

If you let her she will also try fcuk up your wedding day itself and will undoubtedly continue undermining your marriage and family into the future. It's tough to be forced into a corner like this but she really is giving you little option....you're an adult and you need to strike out now and make a life and a future for yourself with the man you have chosen to be your husband.

Good luck.....

jm92

groovyg wrote: »

Op if your hair is falling out and your health is suffering from the stress she is causing you then you need to be super selfish and look after numero uno - yourself. Just send a very short message - saying its grand she does't need to attend - have a nice weekend or something along those lines. For your own mental and physical health keep messages very short and share very little information with her.

Its the same if she comes she thinks she has leverage on me ( before all this she wanted to pay for some of my wedding dress ). My mother in law , as our wedding present has so kindly agreed to pay what she can of the wedding dress and is insisting . we want to pay ourselves but my mother in law is INSISTING BEYOND BELIEF. I know if my mother comes Saturday with my mother in law and my mother in law pays, I'll be getting hell for it . Usually something along the lines of ' how could you disgrace me like that' ' How did I rear someone like you' ' you always make a shame of yourself in front of others' etc etc...

jelly&icecream

jm92 wrote: »

Its the same if she comes she thinks she has leverage on me ( before all this she wanted to pay for some of my wedding dress ). My mother in law , as our wedding present has so kindly agreed to pay what she can of the wedding dress and is insisting . we want to pay ourselves but my mother in law is INSISTING BEYOND BELIEF. I know if my mother comes Saturday with my mother in law and my mother in law pays, I'll be getting hell for it . Usually something along the lines of ' how could you disgrace me like that' ' How did I rear someone like you' ' you always make a shame of yourself in front of others' etc etc...

She'll ruin the day for you if she comes. Just say no and keep firm with her.

She'll probably start to notice you pulling back from her over the next while and try her darndest to get you back in line groveling at her feet. When her usual tantrums and manipulation don't work she will get other people to do her bidding. Expect your father to be first in line, followed by other family members. You need to hold strong for your own sake. Just be aware there will probably be collateral damage.

Do you have siblings? If you do are they treated in a similar manner or is there a golden child who can do no wrong while you are treated like crap?

EDIT: DONT LET HER PAY FOR ANYTHING! She's use it to lord over you as you already said.

jm92

jelly&icecream wrote: »

She'll ruin the day for you if she comes. Just say no and keep firm with her.

She'll probably start to notice you pulling back from her over the next while and try her darndest to get you back in line groveling at her feet. When her usual tantrums and manipulation don't work she will get other people to do her bidding. Expect your father to be first in line, followed by other family members. You need to hold strong for your own sake. Just be aware there will probably be collateral damage.

Do you have siblings? If you do are they treated in a similar manner or is there a golden child who can do no wrong while you are treated like crap?

I have one younger sister who has a form of Autism. She's extremely impressionable and my mother does a good job on her. She'll be in her 20's soon and my mom has her gone like her . Laughing and sneering at people. I know My sister knows no better but its horrible to see. My mother isn't a bad mother, I just think she Sees me as a reflection of her and likes to TRY and control my movements, actions, Thus, making her a major narcissist . Then puts me down when I don't do crap she wants . She tells me NO ONE can talk to me . But it always seems to be just her . She has even lied to her friends about what my real job is .. I'm a healthcare Assistant . She decided to tell some I work in insurance, banks, doing my masters ... I'm not . makes me feel like she is awfully ashamed of me and it hurts like heck.

jelly&icecream

jm92 wrote: »

I have one younger sister who has a form of Autism. She's extremely impressionable and my mother does a good job on her. She'll be in her 20's soon and my mom has her gone like her . Laughing and sneering at people. I know My sister knows no better but its horrible to see. My mother isn't a bad mother, I just think she Sees me as a reflection of her and likes to TRY and control my movements, actions, Thus, making her a major narcissist . Then puts me down when I don't do crap she wants . She tells me NO ONE can talk to me . But it always seems to be just her . She has even lied to her friends about what my real job is .. I'm a healthcare Assistant . She decided to tell some I work in insurance, banks, doing my masters ... I'm not . makes me feel like she is awfully ashamed of me and it hurts like heck.

Ah your poor sister. Just keep it in mind that's there's nothing you can do to alter your mother's behaviour. She'll probably will try to use your sister at some point as leverage. Maybe threaten to stop her going to the wedding if you end up having to ban your mother if her behavior escalates. You'll be made to look like the bad guy whatever happens. If you have to stop contact with her you will probably lose your father and sister also.

Given she's the type who seems to be obsessed with her appearance to others she may not go full blown crazy at the wedding itself but will probably ruin all the preparations for you.

jm92

jelly&icecream wrote: »

Ah your poor sister. Just keep it in mind that's there's nothing you can do to alter your mother's behaviour. She'll probably will try to use your sister at some point as leverage. Maybe threaten to stop her going to the wedding if you end up having to ban your mother if her behavior escalates. You'll be made to look like the bad guy whatever happens. If you have to stop contact with her you will probably lose your father and sister also.

Given she's the type who seems to be obsessed with her appearance to others she may not go full blown crazy at the wedding itself but will probably ruin all the preparations for you.

She use to love my Fiance UNTIL he saw the real her and she didn't like that one bit . Now she thinks hes a 'Cheeky F##K' if he even dares to open his mouth. Last week all he said was 'You do have her crying a lot when she comes off the phone' . Then the abusive calls started about him being this, that and the other . Total disrespect for him but expects us to kiss her ass 24/7. She regularly tells me that dad and her were like myself and my fiancé when they got married but it all changes and my fiancé will grow to hate me . I'm not even married yet and this is the stuff Ive to listen too. She once told me she'd understand if he'd cheat on my because at one point I was so Ill I couldn't get out of bed for a few weeks

jelly&icecream

jm92 wrote: »

She regularly tells me that dad and her were like myself and my fiancé when they got married but it all changes and my fiancé will grow to hate me . I'm not even married yet and this is the stuff Ive to listen too. She once told me she'd understand if he'd cheat on my because at one point I was so Ill I couldn't get out of bed for a few weeks

:eek:

Keep away from her for your emotional wellbeing. She can't bare to see you happy.

How far along are the wedding preparations? Is it too late to jack it all in and elope?

jm92

jelly&icecream wrote: »

:eek:

Keep away from her for your emotional wellbeing. She can't bare to see you happy.

How far along are the wedding preparations? Is it too late to jack it all in and elope?

haha Yes its too late for the Eloping... believe me, me and my fiancé have talked about it a million times. He has a gigantic family , Who are lovely and we cant walk away from the plans at this point in time . Too much has been paid and organised.

Malayalam

My mother refused to attend my wedding, she barred my father and siblings also, she hung up the phone on me when I phoned to tell of my first pregnancy and blanked me for a year. It's a sore, sad kick not to have an unconditionally loving mother as it is such a foundational relationship but sometimes that is the way the cookie crumbles. We get parented by a damaged narcissist instead. Accept the way things are, look to the loving relationships in your life, especially your partner and invest in them. Be a loving human being but have cop on. I have been happily married for 30 years and have an awesome family. If I had paid one moments attention to my mother 30 years ago I would have missed all that. Go forth, OP, and be happy! 😊

Big Bag of Chips

I know he's probably trying to stand up for you, but even telling her stuff like she makes you cry is just feeding her. It's giving her oxygen. It's giving her reason to now give out about him, as well as you!

Give her nothing. Tell her as little as possible. Be as vague as possible. Don't agree to anything, don't disagree with anything. Be in her company as little as possible, and when you are, make non committal "oh, right, hmm" type noises. Tell her nothing of any significance. Tell her very little of little significance!

She will, obviously, not let this go easily. She will turn things up a bit to get any kind of reaction. Don't give it.

bee06

jm92 wrote: »

I have one younger sister who has a form of Autism. She's extremely impressionable and my mother does a good job on her. She'll be in her 20's soon and my mom has her gone like her . Laughing and sneering at people. I know My sister knows no better but its horrible to see. My mother isn't a bad mother, I just think she Sees me as a reflection of her and likes to TRY and control my movements, actions, Thus, making her a major narcissist . Then puts me down when I don't do crap she wants . She tells me NO ONE can talk to me . But it always seems to be just her . She has even lied to her friends about what my real job is .. I'm a healthcare Assistant . She decided to tell some I work in insurance, banks, doing my masters ... I'm not . makes me feel like she is awfully ashamed of me and it hurts like heck.

You say your mother is not a bad mother. Yes she is! Everything she does screams bad mother. You're just so desperate for her approval you keep making excuses for her. Ask yourself, would you treat your own child like she has treated you?

nikkibikki

About dress shopping....I brought nobody with me to pick dresses. I'm the type of person who will listen too much to other people's opinions and then not know what I think myself so I went alone. When I had picked one, I brought the bridesmaids and Mam to look at it. I changed my mind and picked another and brought them to see that one then!

You don't need to bring her. You don't need to bring anyone. Does she know when and where you are going on Saturday? She's walking you into a trap with that text. She wants you to either say yes so she can go and stress you out. Or she wants you to say no so she can tell everyone that you've banned her. So, you can't win either way. And she knows it.

She is who she is. She isn't going to change. You can choose to not be around her. You have the power yourself to do that and/or stand up to her. You can do that. I think you have to do it tbh. I gave long enough myself being a people pleaser but I'm more of a bitch now and care a lot less about what unimportant people think.

MissShihTzu

I came to the sad conclusion that my Mum is just a nasty, bitter, angry and jealous old woman. Sounds a lot like your Mum. Your Mum has issues. They are her issues, not yours. You can't change that, no matter what you do.

As others have said. You can only change your behaviour to her. Like some have said - If you don't take control now, it'll be a whole lot worse when you have a family. Do you want your Mum to be dripping her poison in your children's ears? You've already said she's done it to your sister. Do you want your kids to be as fcuked up as she is?

I don't know if your pennies can stretch to it with the wedding and that, but I think some kind of therapy could really help here. It will give you the tools to develop a strategy for dealing with your Mum - whether you decide to go no contact or not.

JigglyMcJabs

jm92 wrote: »

Hi guys,

I'm 25 and getting married next year. My mother and I have rarely seen eye to eye in the last few years. Since I Moved out of the house with my fiancé in my final year of college and we got engaged at Christmas shes had nothing but snide comments at me. She always puts me down and has me crying most days when I come off the phone with her. My own family even admitted she wouldn't talk to me when I got engaged and took it very badly. She use to love my fiancé until recently when she realised the wedding is coming closer and he 'stole me ' from her. She is a stubborn person an whenever I bring it up about how I feel it turns into a massive row. While I admit I'm not perfect and I do say things wrong at times especially when I'm trying to talk to her about how I feel she's never wrong in her head. I told her jobs I applied to and she laughs at me . It's so sickening . I usually have to beg and beg for her to talk to me after and she loves that. Anyway, I have my first wedding dress/ fitting this weekend and I am excited . That was until last week when a fight emerged between us and now shes 'Disowning the little c**t' that I am. I'm gutted. at the end of the day shes my mother and I wanted her there but shes refusing and our relationship will be gone if she dosent turn up Saturday. I've begged and begged her and my fiancé saw the whole argument and thinks shes being ridiculous . I'm at my wits end here. My hair is falling out from stress and I have a lot of medical problems . She likes to play the victim constantly as shes never, ever wrong . Should I Keep begging like I have all week or cut myself a break and go to my fitting without her and just stop pushing so hard for our relationship ?

Notice how absolutely everyone in this thread is giving you the same message? No one has disagreed or taken your mothers side, no one is suggesting compromise. This is rare on an anonymous internet forum! It's up to you if you take the advice or not, but the advice seems very clear.

It's very telling that a number of posters have spoken about cutting off contact with a narcissistic parent being the reason that they are happy now.

LegacyUser

I know you have been trying for years to please a woman who will never be happy with what ever you do. She has spent years knocking any confidence out of you. Your husband to be sees what she is like now so no wonder she is insulting him also along with you.

This should be a happy time of your life and not one where you are losing your hair due to the stress she is putting you under. She only wants to go dress shopping with you to say nasty things or so she can look good in front of friends or family. It is time to spend less time with her and to walk away from her. You deserve to have a happy life.

I would just read the other posts here because they have all said the same as me. She is not going to change no matter how hard you try with her. I have a friend who's mother is some what like yours. A few months ago my friend had a major argument with her mother. Her mother is being some what civil with her due a few things. My friend is making plans now so long term her mother won't be in her life to extent she has been up to date.

Dee01

I have absolutely no idea why you would want her there. There's no need to stoop to her level and be mean/abusive/unreasonable, but just say no thanks, I got sorted and x, y and z are coming with me. I'll let you know if I get sorted. She disowned you at the start of the thread, she doesn't get to just waltz back in.

Big Bag of Chips

I'd be as selective as possible with what I'd say to her. With someone like your mother you need to be very specific in what you say. If you don't want her to go somewhere, you have to be clear "No. I'm sorted. Thanks." Even saying "No, you don't have to come, I'm sorted" opens you up to, "I know I don't have to, but you might want me to/I want to".

In your attempts to not offend her, you open yourself up to being offended and bullied by her. You can be firm but polite. She will find fault anyway. She will take offense regardless of what you do or say.

Say as little as possible, and react as little as possible.

valoren

OP, with people like your mother you are damned if you do and damned if you don't.
If you invite her to the fitting she will upset you one way or another, if you don't she will use it against you, smearing you, badgering you, guilt tripping you. I'd go with the second option. You can't control people's opinions of you. Don't invite her and let her stir trouble, splinter and bully people as a result. The thing is, let her do that. The family and friends who see through her poison are the people you should care about. It's the one's who believe her, whether they are bullied into it or not, are people who don't care about you. And what should you care about such people anyway. You look out for number 1 always.

You're mother is toxic. Any mother who refers to her daughter as 'a c*nt' is poison.
Toxic people are only dealt with one way, and that is by cutting them out of your life in so far as possible, permanently ideally.