Wedding Issues

jm92

Hi guys,

I'm 25 and getting married next year. My mother and I have rarely seen eye to eye in the last few years. Since I Moved out of the house with my fiancé in my final year of college and we got engaged at Christmas shes had nothing but snide comments at me. She always puts me down and has me crying most days when I come off the phone with her. My own family even admitted she wouldn't talk to me when I got engaged and took it very badly. She use to love my fiancé until recently when she realised the wedding is coming closer and he 'stole me ' from her. She is a stubborn person an whenever I bring it up about how I feel it turns into a massive row. While I admit I'm not perfect and I do say things wrong at times especially when I'm trying to talk to her about how I feel she's never wrong in her head. I told her jobs I applied to and she laughs at me . It's so sickening . I usually have to beg and beg for her to talk to me after and she loves that. Anyway, I have my first wedding dress/ fitting this weekend and I am excited . That was until last week when a fight emerged between us and now shes 'Disowning the little c**t' that I am. I'm gutted. at the end of the day shes my mother and I wanted her there but shes refusing and our relationship will be gone if she dosent turn up Saturday. I've begged and begged her and my fiancé saw the whole argument and thinks shes being ridiculous . I'm at my wits end here. My hair is falling out from stress and I have a lot of medical problems . She likes to play the victim constantly as shes never, ever wrong . Should I Keep begging like I have all week or cut myself a break and go to my fitting without her and just stop pushing so hard for our relationship ?

Loveinapril

Oh you poor thing. It is horrible that you are dealing with all of this during what should be a really special time. Your mam is being completely ridiculous. You have done nothing wrong so please stop begging her to care. I would imagine if she went to the dress fitting she would ruin your experience and do nothing but insult you/ your dress/ your fiancee. It sounds like she is trying to make all of this about her and unfortunatly, you can do nithing about it. You need to surround yourself with love and positivity, not the BS your mam brings to the table. Continue with your plans and your life and keep contact/ info to a minimum. Just because she is your mother does not give her the right to call you names and make you cry.

JigglyMcJabs

Seems like she likes power/control, maybe a narcissist. It's easier said than done, but you need to leave things where they are, it's up to your mum to contact you and apologize, not the other way around.
You're feeding her need for power and control by going back to her.

Plan your new life without your mum being a part of it, eventually she might realise what she's done and make amends. No one should have this stress in their lives, you don't have any obligation to her just because of biology.

LegacyUser

jm92 wrote: »

I usually have to beg and beg for her to talk to me

More fool you. No matter how you're related to anyone, don't beg for them to talk to you, that is incredibly unhealthy for your self esteem and will only make things worse and worse.

jm92 wrote: »

just stop pushing so hard for our relationship ?

Yes. By all means be available, be welcoming, be open, but don't be begging.

If this is a new departure for your mother, she's acting out. She has fears and worries, she sees her importance diminishing, she's feeling impending loss and rather than rising to that opportunity, she's doing what many people do by trying to establish control by bringing you down. If she's normally a better mother than that, you'll work it out eventually, but you will have to make the move of acting like an adult who is ready to get married and letting her get used to that, not begging. She will probably then cop on and start to see the damage she's causing and realise she's costing herself a good relationship with you.

If she's always been this way, just get on with planning your wedding and resign yourself to her antics, but don't give in to them.

Best of luck with the wedding.

jm92

She tells me Constantly that she raised me and I owe her for that.

JigglyMcJabs

jm92 wrote: »

She tells me Constantly that she raised me and I owe her for that.

Of course she does, it's called emotional blackmail. You stopped owing her anything when she stopped treating you like a daughter, with the love and respect you deserve.

ManOfMystery

You don't 'owe' her anything. She chose to have you, she chose to raise you - that was her choice and her responsibility. And anyway, it's a parent's JOB to raise their child - you don't get brownie points for it! 

All I can say to you is the same thing I'd say to anyone who is suffering abuse (be it emotional, physical or other) of any kind : if you have the option to remove the source of that abuse from your life, then do so. Life's too short to endure needless suffering.

jm92

I get these brief moments , Sometimes even weeks where everything is perfect, No arguments, just normal chat. Then it builds up and I just snap at her for being basically mean as hell and then I'm ''Attacking her'' . She likes to throw stuff in my face about driving me around as a kid etc... I ask her constantly what do I do wrong and it never resolves

Op there is a subreddit called raised by narcissists. I think you would benefit from reading about narcissistic parents.
She is broken and no amount of you begging and pleading will change her.
The attention is on you now for your engagement so she is going to do her best make sure attention goes back on her during your special time.
Please break off contact with her and get some counselling and try your best to enjoy the wedding. Absolutely do not bring her to the fitting or it will ruin the whole thing for you. And when you don't bring her, she will pile on the guilt and badmouthing, but don't back down.
If you don't nip this in the bud now she may well escalate it if/when you have kids. I wouldn't be surprised if she throws a strop before the wedding about coming to it, etc

I am suggesting counselling because this is not normal or healthy, and it is NOT your fault. But adjusting to the fact that someone who is supposed to love you and have your best interests at heart is actually not, is going to be hard. You are probably conditioned into begging and pleading every time she crooks a finger, without realising it, and that will need external help too.

Emme

jm92 wrote: »

She tells me Constantly that she raised me and I owe her for that.

Textbook narcissist. Don't rise to her tactics. You're getting married now. If possible cut her out of your life altogether.

jm92

I have been to a psychiatrist before because of my Anxiety and she came with me. From what the doctor said after he seems to think she's the real root cause. I'm not looking to blame someone but this is hard my wedding is meant to be a time to bring family together and all its doing is tearing it apart I'm completely out of control here. I'm going the weekend with my fiances mother to my first ever dress fitting and I feel so sad I cant enjoy this with my own mother.

She didn't show her true colours to my fiancé until the last few months. She has this pretence that she's perfect, never wrong, ever. Even if she done something horrible to me somehow It'll come back to being my fault . My parents in law are saints. They're always there for me. I'm bringing My fiancé's Mom with me. My mother always has to have the higher ground . My father isn't much better. I've barely spoken to him in a long time and if we do speak its 'how's work' 'How's life' that's it. He had more interest in my cousins wedding than my own. My heart is broke . I'm crying all the time and stressed beyond belief. My own GP is telling me to relax. I was doing okay until this happened last week. Today I Called and messaged and got told I'm not wanted anymore. That I lied in front of my fiancé for sympathy from him . He was there the whole time . If he opens his mouth he's told mind his own f***ING business. We cant win.

Another day

Please for your own health and sanity leave her in the past. You owe her nothing. You have done what you can and she has rejected your efforts.

Go dress hunting with someone that loves and appreciates you. I would avoid having her there as she will ruin the day for you. No dress will suit you, it will make you fat/thin/short etc. This is a special day/time for you and you want to enjoy it not be on edge.

Going forward let her reach out to you. Don't chase her. You will be amazed how much more relaxed you will be when you stop trying to win her around.

Airyfairy12

She sounds like my mother, although my mam has been much easier to deal with in the past year or two what youre describing was exactly how she was with me when I went to college. When she says you 'owe her' this was a line I got too. I had it thrown in my face that she used to have to buy me nappies and baby food when I was an infant, everything was my fault, she would twist things, spread nasty rumours about me around family and her work friends, isolating me from others, I was also told I was disowned and she didnt speak to me for 6 months at one stage, everything was an argument with her and our relationship hasnt been the same since, I feel so much hurt and constantly feel defensive around her fearing that nasty side of her will show its ugly head again. Its very frustrating and hurtful but I handled it eventually by choosing to not let it get to me or atleast not allowing her to see it was getting to me and once I did that it began to get easier to not internalise her words and actions and soon the mean comments and guilt trips stopped.
Is there anyone in your family who would take your side or have your back? I know with my own mother it took somebody else to tell her to stop before she really eased up on me, people like her dont like others knowing they have this side to them, its like your average bully, they basically need to be scolded by another adult who's not their victim in order for them to stop. It took me a few years to get my dad to understand what was happening, she had told him so many lies about me and twisted everything so for along time he blamed me but when he realised what was really going on he was shocked to hear my side of things and told her to stop. This was a big help in turning things around. If theres anyone in your family you can talk to about this then do.
It sounds like your mother is jealous. Dont allow her to destroy this for you, go to your dress fitting and enjoy yourself. If she doesnt want to be there for you thats her loss, not yours.

MissShihTzu

Oh boy, OP. Your post is virtually word for word what happened to me. I've never had a good relationship with my mother and did not speak for 8 years. Things eventually smoothed over somewhat, and we had a reasonable relationship.

Until I met my now husband. She was always polite to him, and they seemed to get on OK. All hell broke loose when we got engaged. Came round to my house saying she wasn't signing any letters of freedom, and she wouldn't be coming to the wedding. Of course, I was blindsided and very upset by her attitude, and did throw her out. Played right into her hands as she could then play the victim.

My Mum came for the wedding, and had a great time. The poison really started once the wedding was over. She went round telling everyone, I married because I was desperate. My husband married me for my money (!!!), My husband forced me to get married, my husband's family have me supporting them (!!!). All complete and utter BS. My poor hubby was at first hurt and puzzled, but now completely ignores her.

I have completely cut my Mum from my life, and feel so much better for it. Of course, she's still spouting her crap, but we no longer take any notice. I know for a fact, it gets to her. My Mum is very much one for keeping up appearances, and it upsets her when friends and neighbours ask about me, she can't say anything.

For the sake of your sanity, I strongly suggest you do the same. Cut all contact. Get on with your wedding planning, get on with the wedding and concentrate on YOUR life with your fiance, soon to be husband and beyond.

Easier said than done, but you can do this. Don't upset yourself any more. Life is too short for that.

Good luck to you!

jm92

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

She sounds like my mother, although my mam has been much easier to deal with in the past year or two what youre describing was exactly how she was with me when I went to college. When she says you 'owe her' this was a line I got too. I had it thrown in my face that she used to have to buy me nappies and baby food when I was an infant, everything was my fault, she would twist things, spread nasty rumours about me around family and her work friends, isolating me from others, I was also told I was disowned and she didnt speak to me for 6 months at one stage, everything was an argument with her and our relationship hasnt been the same since, I feel so much hurt and constantly feel defensive around her fearing that nasty side of her will show its ugly head again. Its very frustrating and hurtful but I handled it eventually by choosing to not let it get to me or atleast not allowing her to see it was getting to me and once I did that it began to get easier to not internalise her words and actions and soon the mean comments and guilt trips stopped.
Is there anyone in your family who would take your side or have your back? I know with my own mother it took somebody else to tell her to stop before she really eased up on me, people like her dont like others knowing they have this side to them, its like your average bully, they basically need to be scolded by another adult who's not their victim in order for them to stop. It took me a few years to get my dad to understand what was happening, she had told him so many lies about me and twisted everything so for along time he blamed me but when he realised what was really going on he was shocked to hear my side of things and told her to stop. This was a big help in turning things around. If theres anyone in your family you can talk to about this then do.
It sounds like your mother is jealous. Dont allow her to destroy this for you, go to your dress fitting and enjoy yourself. If she doesnt want to be there for you thats her loss, not yours.

No one in my family ever sees the true her only my father and he does anything to just please her and keep her quite my grandmother is favourite person in the world and even my mother has turned her against me. she's refusing to come to the dress fitting because my fiances mother is coming. they've never even met .

shesty

OP is it just you?Do you have siblings?
I have young kids OP and I don't think of them the way your mother seems to view her kids.I will never ever think or say things about having to buy nappies or formula or anything like that.It's a ....non-thing.Your mum is not going to be cured by you.And most importantly, it's not your fault and you're right, you will never win.That thing of your fiance 'stealing' you....that raises big alarm bells in my head.

It's easy for us to say cut her out, ignore her etc.I well remember how badly i wanted my mum involved in my wedding.I suppose the best I can say is you have given her the opportunity and she hasm't taken it, so you need to plough on without her as best you can and develop a really thick skin.She will fall in with you eventually although there will be something else that she will pick on.

Long term you should attend counselling (without her).As a mum,I think women like her commit a terrible thing when they behave like this, it's an awful betrayal ,almost, of their role as a mother.It's shocking behaviour and incomprehensible to most.

Airyfairy12

jm92 wrote: »

No one in my family ever sees the true her only my father and he does anything to just please her and keep her quite

I understand, everyone in family had my mothers side, no one would believe she had this other side to her. Its so hurtful and frustrating.
My dad was the same, never wanted to get involved. It took years for him to say something and only after he had finally listened to my side of things when my relationship with my mother hit rock bottom. I completely understand how it feels, its horrible.

Have you got any siblings?

jm92

I have one younger sister who has Autism. she is such a beautiful person but I can see my mother already changing her into her judgemental and critical ways. I'm the eldest and everything was expected of me . She got thick at me for not doing a 14,000 masters to complete my education. I got the bachelors degree. I never became the person she wanted me to become . I went down a different route and now I'm just 'her'. That's how I feel and its how my fiancé has seen it all along. severe pressure from her.

Airyfairy12

jm92 wrote: »

I have one younger sister who has Autism. she is such a beautiful person but I can see my mother already changing her into her judgemental and critical ways. I'm the eldest and everything was expected of me . She got thick at me for not doing a 14,000 masters to complete my education. I got the bachelors degree. I never became the person she wanted me to become . I went down a different route and now I'm just 'her'. That's how I feel and its how my fiancé has seen it all along. severe pressure from her.

I think all you can do is accept her as she is and do your own thing. I know its hard and really hurtful, especially when you see other people like your fiance being able to have a good relationship with their mother but she's not going to change. She's the problem, not you and youve done all you can to have a good relationship with her.
If my mother starts her criticism or any negativity I just walk away from her and ignore any attempt to bring me down, she can say what she wants about me to others and use me to make herself look like a victim, it doesnt matter because I know the truth and thats what matters. Its hard at first to detach from the negativity but it gets easier. There's no point in arguing because you'll never get anywhere. Once she realises she isnt effecting you anymore you'll see changes in her behaviour.

jm92

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

I think all you can do is accept her as she is and do your own thing. I know its hard and really hurtful, especially when you see other people like your fiance being able to have a good relationship with their mother but she's not going to change. She's the problem, not you and youve done all you can to have a good relationship with her.
If my mother starts her criticism or any negativity I just walk away from her and ignore any attempt to bring me down, she can say what she wants about me to others and use me to make herself look like a victim, it doesnt matter because I know the truth and thats what matters. Its hard at first to detach from the negativity but it gets easier. There's no point in arguing because you'll never get anywhere. Once she realises she isnt effecting you anymore you'll see changes in her behaviour.

I was looking forward to my grandmother coming the weekend and now she isn't because my mother dosent want me enjoying anything . It's the same all the time . During my college exams she'd start a fight , before some of my surgeries she'd start a fight . She told me I was weak when I needed to see the doctor for anxiety ... coming from the woman who abandoned us for a year when she had a break down . I look like the enemy . I spent the day crying and my fiance is ready to boil over with her. I would do anything for family . She knows that and plays on it . It's a disgusting game I've been dragged into . My hair is coming out in clumps

Addle

Emme wrote: »

Textbook narcissist. Don't rise to her tactics. You're getting married now. If possible cut her out of your life altogether.

Watch the 1st season of the sopranos OP. Pay attention to the shrink's analysis of Livia.
It made me understand a person like your mother.
And cut them out.

I don't know why you think your mother and family have to be so involved in wedding preparations. They don't.

Airyfairy12

jm92 wrote: »

I was looking forward to my grandmother coming the weekend and now she isn't because my mother dosent want me enjoying anything . It's the same all the time . During my college exams she'd start a fight , before some of my surgeries she'd start a fight . She told me I was weak when I needed to see the doctor for anxiety ... coming from the woman who abandoned us for a year when she had a break down . I look like the enemy . I spent the day crying and my fiance is ready to boil over with her. I would do anything for family . She knows that and plays on it . It's a disgusting game I've been dragged into . My hair is coming out in clumps

Your mother is saying these things but that doesnt make them true. You cant control how other people behave or how they react towards you, all you can do is control how you respond to her negativity.
Im not saying you should cut your mother out, obviously that situation would hurt you very much but you do need to protect yourself and put yourself first. You dont need to take every word and action by her to heart, as hard that is, you need to learn to rise above it.
You have your lovely fiance and support from his family, try to focus on this.

jm92

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Your mother is saying these things but that doesnt make them true. You cant control how other people behave or how they react towards you, all you can do is control how you respond to her negativity.
Im not saying you should cut your mother out, obviously that situation would hurt you very much but you do need to protect yourself and put yourself first. You dont need to take every word and action by her to heart, as hard that is, you need to learn to rise above it.
You have your lovely fiance and support from his family, try to focus on this.

I know and his family are wonderful to me . It's just hard when someone tells you they wipe their hands clean of you and your fiance and you aren't wanted anymore . Making up lies saying my father wished I was never born . And this was just stuff I was sent in a message today thank you for all the advice . It genuinely makes me feel better knowing others go through this regularly . I'm constantly told I'm not normal . Told that my marriage will be a failure by my mom and my fiance will grow sick of me .

Bazzer007

Op you should show your dad, grandma plus other close relatives that message & expose her lies. You need to cut her out of your life for peace of mind & to save your sanity. You have a new loving family to enjoy the rest of your life with. Life's too short for dealing with that s**t

jm92 wrote: »

I know and his family are wonderful to me . It's just hard when someone tells you they wipe their hands clean of you and your fiance and you aren't wanted anymore . Making up lies saying my father wished I was never born . And this was just stuff I was sent in a message today thank you for all the advice . It genuinely makes me feel better knowing others go through this regularly . I'm constantly told I'm not normal . Told that my marriage will be a failure by my mom and my fiance will grow sick of me .

GingerLily

jm92 wrote: »

I know and his family are wonderful to me . It's just hard when someone tells you they wipe their hands clean of you and your fiance and you aren't wanted anymore . Making up lies saying my father wished I was never born . And this was just stuff I was sent in a message today thank you for all the advice . It genuinely makes me feel better knowing others go through this regularly . I'm constantly told I'm not normal . Told that my marriage will be a failure by my mom and my fiance will grow sick of me .

Your not normal OP, how could you be with an emotionally abusive mother like that? But that doesn't mean you can't have a healthy and happy marriage!
She sounds like she's getting desperate because she's scared she'll lose control over you.
You can never have the intimate mother/daughter relationship that you crave, but there are so many other relationships that you can build on now, your happiness doesn't need to rely on your mother, focus on your new family and most importantly, your fiance!

Yellow pack crisps

You have to look at these things like a break up. You have to expect the same standard of treatment and respect from your parents as you would from a significant other. You can't control your mother but you can control how you react to these things. Let your mother come to you and if she does not then move on and rebuild your life without them. Sometimes we truly don't know how people make us unhappy until a time when we start to forget about them.

Neyite

On Mumsnet there's a long running thread called "but we took you to stately homes" Go have a look. You'll find your people there and a heap of resources. the threads have been running for years now so you've a LOT of reading to do, but you will be wiser, sadder, yet stronger.

Your dad is her enabler, and the rest are flying monkeys she sends to do her bidding when she doesn't get her own way. You want a different kind of mother but unfortunately you've been dealt a dud hand. If she gets involved in your wedding it will be to disrupt or cause chaos. As long as you keep handing her that power to hurt you, she'll use it.

For a few reasons I chose my wedding dress without my mother there. She would admit that she knows zero about dresses or weddings, and while she's supportive and loving, she'd be useless in a dress shop because everything would just be "lovely". So I went with my bestie instead. Someone who would be brutally honest, who knows you and your personality and knows that a train would piss you off or that bows aren't your thing, someone who would make you try on stuff just to rule out certain styles, and with us, my bestie was the one to be able to surreptitiously photograph me in the dress or do some frantic googling on designers and style codes. Then we went for a posh boozy lunch with champagne and had an absolute blast.

So bring someone who is your best friend and enjoy the day. With regard to the rest of the wedding, plan it on your own and be suspicious if your mother all of a sudden wants involvement. If you have to, give her some non-critical part to organise so when it fails to materialise on the day, its something you were not bothered about in the first place.

Best of luck.

jm92

Neyite wrote: »

On Mumsnet there's a long running thread called "but we took you to stately homes" Go have a look. You'll find your people there and a heap of resources. the threads have been running for years now so you've a LOT of reading to do, but you will be wiser, sadder, yet stronger.

Your dad is her enabler, and the rest are flying monkeys she sends to do her bidding when she doesn't get her own way. You want a different kind of mother but unfortunately you've been dealt a dud hand. If she gets involved in your wedding it will be to disrupt or cause chaos. As long as you keep handing her that power to hurt you, she'll use it.

For a few reasons I chose my wedding dress without my mother there. She would admit that she knows zero about dresses or weddings, and while she's supportive and loving, she'd be useless in a dress shop because everything would just be "lovely". So I went with my bestie instead. Someone who would be brutally honest, who knows you and your personality and knows that a train would piss you off or that bows aren't your thing, someone who would make you try on stuff just to rule out certain styles, and with us, my bestie was the one to be able to surreptitiously photograph me in the dress or do some frantic googling on designers and style codes. Then we went for a posh boozy lunch with champagne and had an absolute blast.

So bring someone who is your best friend and enjoy the day. With regard to the rest of the wedding, plan it on your own and be suspicious if your mother all of a sudden wants involvement. If you have to, give her some non-critical part to organise so when it fails to materialise on the day, its something you were not bothered about in the first place.

Best of luck.

I'm briging in my sister in law and my mother in law . I trust them and they're very good to me . All my friends are working and tbh non would bother to book a few hours off even for one day with months of notice . My sister in law is my maid of honor and she's my rock . My mother dosent like the fact I indulge my feelings and personal problems to my fiance instead of her . People keep telling me without my mom there the weekend it'll be a sad occasion for me . I don't want this . My fiance keeps telling me all this isn't my fault. I found out that my mother told my family she was dreading going dress shopping with me as "she knows what I'm like ". She said I'll take it all out on her when I won't fit into a dress ... I'm a size 14 . She put such a negative spin on my experience before I even went

MissShihTzu

jm92 wrote: »

I'm briging in my sister in law and my mother in law . I trust them and they're very good to me . All my friends are working and tbh non would bother to book a few hours off even for one day with months of notice . My sister in law is my maid of honor and she's my rock . My mother dosent like the fact I indulge my feelings and personal problems to my fiance instead of her . People keep telling me without my mom there the weekend it'll be a sad occasion for me . I don't want this . My fiance keeps telling me all this isn't my fault. I found out that my mother told my family she was dreading going dress shopping with me as "she knows what I'm like ". She said I'll take it all out on her when I won't fit into a dress ... I'm a size 14 . She put such a negative spin on my experience before I even went

Look - It's as sad or as happy an occasion as YOU want it to be. I didn't take my mother dress shopping. I didn't want any negativity around me. I took my best mate who I've known since I was five. We had a brilliant time, picked out my dress, got a veil to match, then went off for lunch after.

Don't let your Mum steal your joy. I know it's tough - I've been there and know exactly how you feel. Say nothing more to her and carry on regardless. Don't show her the dress, don't take pics of you in it, don't tell her about it. Leave your Mum to stew.

Another day

Op...my father was similar to your mum. Despite that I asked him to give me away. I asked over and over and right up until I got the invites printed he would not give me a yes or a no. As a result I left him off the invite and he didn't come to the wedding. It was great! No stress, no waiting for crap etc. It really was a fantastic day which I enjoyed stress free. It is your wedding and I would suggest putting her to the back of your mind.

Happy shopping!

Big Bag of Chips

You are wishing and hoping for her to be a different person. It won't happen. You need to force yourself to not care so much. Don't give her so much information. If she has told family that she's dreading going shopping with you, then that should make it guilt free for you to not bring her. She doesn't want to go, (well she probably does, but not for genuine reasons), and you don't want her there, so that's that decision made.

If she mentions it, or asks just keep fobbing her off. Tell her you haven't decided a day yet. Give as little information as possible. Bit by bit start distancing yourself. Train yourself to stop sharing things with her. Train yourself to give her vague answers to questions she asks. She will certainly up the ante when she realises you're slipping from her, but stick to your guns of giving her very little. If she hasn't changed up to this, she is unlikely too.

And don't think you will be alone in knowing what she's like. If she has said things to others about you, they will have an idea. If it turns out that you uninvite her, nobody on the day will actually care. You need to do what makes your day right for you and your fiancé and if that means having it without any involvement from your mother, then so be it.

You can do it, and you can be happy despite her.

jm92

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

You are wishing and hoping for her to be a different person. It won't happen. You need to force yourself to not care so much. Don't give her so much information. If she has told family that she's dreading going shopping with you, then that should make it guilt free for you to not bring her. She doesn't want to go, (well she probably does, but not for genuine reasons), and you don't want her there, so that's that decision made.

If she mentions it, or asks just keep fobbing her off. Tell her you haven't decided a day yet. Give as little information as possible. Bit by bit start distancing yourself. Train yourself to stop sharing things with her. Train yourself to give her vague answers to questions she asks. She will certainly up the ante when she realises you're slipping from her, but stick to your guns of giving her very little. If she hasn't changed up to this, she is unlikely too.

And don't think you will be alone in knowing what she's like. If she has said things to others about you, they will have an idea. If it turns out that you uninvite her, nobody on the day will actually care. You need to do what makes your day right for you and your fiancé and if that means having it without any involvement from your mother, then so be it.

You can do it, and you can be happy despite her.

Got a message off her today " do you want me to go Saturday ". I've no idea what to do .

Addle

How have you still no idea after reading all the responses above?
Say no.
You're asking for drama if you slow her to join you.

jm92

Addle wrote: »

How have you still no idea after reading all the responses above?
Say no.
You're asking for drama if you slow her to join you.

I mean it as its easier said than done . My family will start WW3 if she's not invited. But that being said , I am standing my ground on a lot more things from now on and cutting contact to a minimum. As for Saturday I will speak to my fiancé later about it . Its not like throwing a friend out of the group . I'm not stupid , I know shes asking me cause she's petrified when people ask her about it and she has to say she wasn't there. its to make her look good .

Big Bag of Chips

Just reply and say "No, it's grand. I've arranged with someone else. Talk to you later".

And leave it at that.

Don't give her any details. Don't tell her time or place. Contact any bridal shop you have an appointment in and tell them to not confirm your appointment with anyone who might ring enquiring.

Who cares what other people think? Who cares what she thinks other people will think? None of that is your concern. Live your life to suit you. You will never suit everyone else, so you might as well suit yourself. Otherwise you're trying to please people who will always find fault, AND upsetting yourself too.

GingerLily

If you want to act diplomatic (which I don't think your mother deserves) can you just bring your bridesmaids and no mothers to your first trip?
You don't need to make a decision to exclude your mom from everything right now but definitely work on distancing yourself.

If you happen to find "the dress" you can bring your mom another time to get her opinion?

Big Bag of Chips

GingerLily wrote: »

If you happen to find "the dress" you can bring your mom another time to get her opinion?

And give her the chance to point out everything that's wrong with it? I wouldn't bother. Pick what suits you. And keep avoiding the discussion with her or fobbing her off when she brings it up.

It is possible to do!

kylith

I'd be inclined to say OK, as long as there are other people coming too. She's likely to be on her best behaviour, and if not you have people in your corner.

Addle

jm92 wrote: »

I mean it as its easier said than done . My family will start WW3 if she's not invited. But that being said , I am standing my ground on a lot more things from now on and cutting contact to a minimum. As for Saturday I will speak to my fiancé later about it . Its not like throwing a friend out of the group . I'm not stupid , I know shes asking me cause she's petrified when people ask her about it and she has to say she wasn't there. its to make her look good .

Not ever bride to be brings their mother wedding dress shopping with them.

jm92

Addle wrote: »

Not ever bride to be brings there mother wedding dress shopping with them.

She knows I'm Angry and she knows if she were to come Saturday that '' the fiancé she cant stand now' mother and sister, who is my maid of honour, will be there . Unfortunately, my other bridesmaids are either on holidays or couldn't get this specific time off work for this appointment. She will have to behave, that being said, she also is still her critical and judgemental self. I know for a fact she had a hairdresser appointment this week with our neighbour ans she would of quizzed the crap outta her about the wedding . I think this got to her cause she cant say anything about the weekend since she so kindly started a fight right before it.

Tigger99

You've two choices. Let her go and it'll no doubt be stressful and not enjoyable.

Or say no its ok, thanks. Because you know what, if you don't the wedding is just going to get more and more stressful.

Sometimes our mothers aren't nice people. We can give out about it or we can stop feeding them information that they'll use against us.

You need to distance yourself from her and her life and create some boundaries. Nobody can do that but you.

jm92

Tigger99 wrote: »

You've two choices. Let her go and it'll no doubt be stressful and not enjoyable.

Or say no its ok, thanks. Because you know what, if you don't the wedding is just going to get more and more stressful.

Sometimes our mothers aren't nice people. We can give out about it or we can stop feeding them information that they'll use against us.

You need to distance yourself from her and her life and create some boundaries. Nobody can do that but you.

Thank you for the advice , Thanks to everyone . I really appreciate it and it has taught me some things I need to do . Making myself priority over a controlling mother is one of them

jelly&icecream

jm92 wrote: »

Got a message off her today " do you want me to go Saturday ". I've no idea what to do .

Either ignore her or simply say no. Don't give any reasons justifying your no. Just a simple no. Any long messages you send her to outlining your issues with her and how she has hurt you will only be used against you when she pulls a 'woe is me' act.

She's a narcissist and is never going to change. You may see your father as the 'nice' one but he's been enabling her horrendous behavior your whole life. Do you plan on having kids in the future? If you do, would you want them being exposed to her toxic behavior as you have been. She'll probably try to consistently undermine you around them.

You're going to have to at a minimum keep her at an arms length. If that's not possible you'll have to cut her off altogether at some stage. That's if you value your sanity and the new family you're creating with your fiancée. Its going to be tough though because you've have years of conditioning to do whatever you can to please her no matter how harmful it is to you and no matter how ridiculous it is.

There's a forum on the babycentre website called 'DWIL Nation'. Google it. Its quite americanised and a bit OTT at times but if you read though some of the longest threads there you'll see posters lives being ruined by people like your mother. Some manage to excape their clutches and some don't. You might find it useful to look through.

groovyg

Op if your hair is falling out and your health is suffering from the stress she is causing you then you need to be super selfish and look after numero uno - yourself. Just send a very short message - saying its grand she does't need to attend - have a nice weekend or something along those lines. For your own mental and physical health keep messages very short and share very little information with her.

Persiancowboy

Stand your ground or face into her trying to exert control over you and everything you do into the future.

Most bullies cannot take someone who stands up to them...she is most likely no different.

If you let her she will also try fcuk up your wedding day itself and will undoubtedly continue undermining your marriage and family into the future. It's tough to be forced into a corner like this but she really is giving you little option....you're an adult and you need to strike out now and make a life and a future for yourself with the man you have chosen to be your husband.

Good luck.....

jm92

groovyg wrote: »

Op if your hair is falling out and your health is suffering from the stress she is causing you then you need to be super selfish and look after numero uno - yourself. Just send a very short message - saying its grand she does't need to attend - have a nice weekend or something along those lines. For your own mental and physical health keep messages very short and share very little information with her.

Its the same if she comes she thinks she has leverage on me ( before all this she wanted to pay for some of my wedding dress ). My mother in law , as our wedding present has so kindly agreed to pay what she can of the wedding dress and is insisting . we want to pay ourselves but my mother in law is INSISTING BEYOND BELIEF. I know if my mother comes Saturday with my mother in law and my mother in law pays, I'll be getting hell for it . Usually something along the lines of ' how could you disgrace me like that' ' How did I rear someone like you' ' you always make a shame of yourself in front of others' etc etc...

jelly&icecream

jm92 wrote: »

Its the same if she comes she thinks she has leverage on me ( before all this she wanted to pay for some of my wedding dress ). My mother in law , as our wedding present has so kindly agreed to pay what she can of the wedding dress and is insisting . we want to pay ourselves but my mother in law is INSISTING BEYOND BELIEF. I know if my mother comes Saturday with my mother in law and my mother in law pays, I'll be getting hell for it . Usually something along the lines of ' how could you disgrace me like that' ' How did I rear someone like you' ' you always make a shame of yourself in front of others' etc etc...

She'll ruin the day for you if she comes. Just say no and keep firm with her.

She'll probably start to notice you pulling back from her over the next while and try her darndest to get you back in line groveling at her feet. When her usual tantrums and manipulation don't work she will get other people to do her bidding. Expect your father to be first in line, followed by other family members. You need to hold strong for your own sake. Just be aware there will probably be collateral damage.

Do you have siblings? If you do are they treated in a similar manner or is there a golden child who can do no wrong while you are treated like crap?

EDIT: DONT LET HER PAY FOR ANYTHING! She's use it to lord over you as you already said.

jm92

jelly&icecream wrote: »

She'll ruin the day for you if she comes. Just say no and keep firm with her.

She'll probably start to notice you pulling back from her over the next while and try her darndest to get you back in line groveling at her feet. When her usual tantrums and manipulation don't work she will get other people to do her bidding. Expect your father to be first in line, followed by other family members. You need to hold strong for your own sake. Just be aware there will probably be collateral damage.

Do you have siblings? If you do are they treated in a similar manner or is there a golden child who can do no wrong while you are treated like crap?

I have one younger sister who has a form of Autism. She's extremely impressionable and my mother does a good job on her. She'll be in her 20's soon and my mom has her gone like her . Laughing and sneering at people. I know My sister knows no better but its horrible to see. My mother isn't a bad mother, I just think she Sees me as a reflection of her and likes to TRY and control my movements, actions, Thus, making her a major narcissist . Then puts me down when I don't do crap she wants . She tells me NO ONE can talk to me . But it always seems to be just her . She has even lied to her friends about what my real job is .. I'm a healthcare Assistant . She decided to tell some I work in insurance, banks, doing my masters ... I'm not . makes me feel like she is awfully ashamed of me and it hurts like heck.

jelly&icecream

jm92 wrote: »

I have one younger sister who has a form of Autism. She's extremely impressionable and my mother does a good job on her. She'll be in her 20's soon and my mom has her gone like her . Laughing and sneering at people. I know My sister knows no better but its horrible to see. My mother isn't a bad mother, I just think she Sees me as a reflection of her and likes to TRY and control my movements, actions, Thus, making her a major narcissist . Then puts me down when I don't do crap she wants . She tells me NO ONE can talk to me . But it always seems to be just her . She has even lied to her friends about what my real job is .. I'm a healthcare Assistant . She decided to tell some I work in insurance, banks, doing my masters ... I'm not . makes me feel like she is awfully ashamed of me and it hurts like heck.

Ah your poor sister. Just keep it in mind that's there's nothing you can do to alter your mother's behaviour. She'll probably will try to use your sister at some point as leverage. Maybe threaten to stop her going to the wedding if you end up having to ban your mother if her behavior escalates. You'll be made to look like the bad guy whatever happens. If you have to stop contact with her you will probably lose your father and sister also.

Given she's the type who seems to be obsessed with her appearance to others she may not go full blown crazy at the wedding itself but will probably ruin all the preparations for you.

jm92

jelly&icecream wrote: »

Ah your poor sister. Just keep it in mind that's there's nothing you can do to alter your mother's behaviour. She'll probably will try to use your sister at some point as leverage. Maybe threaten to stop her going to the wedding if you end up having to ban your mother if her behavior escalates. You'll be made to look like the bad guy whatever happens. If you have to stop contact with her you will probably lose your father and sister also.

Given she's the type who seems to be obsessed with her appearance to others she may not go full blown crazy at the wedding itself but will probably ruin all the preparations for you.

She use to love my Fiance UNTIL he saw the real her and she didn't like that one bit . Now she thinks hes a 'Cheeky F##K' if he even dares to open his mouth. Last week all he said was 'You do have her crying a lot when she comes off the phone' . Then the abusive calls started about him being this, that and the other . Total disrespect for him but expects us to kiss her ass 24/7. She regularly tells me that dad and her were like myself and my fiancé when they got married but it all changes and my fiancé will grow to hate me . I'm not even married yet and this is the stuff Ive to listen too. She once told me she'd understand if he'd cheat on my because at one point I was so Ill I couldn't get out of bed for a few weeks

jelly&icecream

jm92 wrote: »

She regularly tells me that dad and her were like myself and my fiancé when they got married but it all changes and my fiancé will grow to hate me . I'm not even married yet and this is the stuff Ive to listen too. She once told me she'd understand if he'd cheat on my because at one point I was so Ill I couldn't get out of bed for a few weeks

:eek:

Keep away from her for your emotional wellbeing. She can't bare to see you happy.

How far along are the wedding preparations? Is it too late to jack it all in and elope?