Am I wrong to feel this way?

LegacyUser

Looking for advice on the following situation...hopefully a good mix of male and female views.

As I'm not a big Facebook user I only made 'friends' with my boyfriend on Facebook over the weekend as there were pictures up from a family event.

After the friend request was accepted I had a whizz through his profile pics for a look and was sort of sad to see that the majority of his profile pictures were of his and an ex girlfriend.

Knowing everyone has a past I messaged him and asked if he didn't mind could he go in and just set it that he was the only one who could view them, that he could keep them up and not delete but just that they were set to his own view only. And that I was sad to see that there were no photographs of me and him. (I am currently 4 months pregnant with his child so I just didnt want to see all his profiles are of another girl)

It's his response to the whole situation that has me worried...he said he would delete them but that I was 'picking on things that were there before I met you' and he shouldn't be getting beef from me for photos that have been up since 2009 and said to get off his Facebook if I can't deal with the fact he had the photos up from a time before he even knew me , that it was 'ridiculous' and 'immature' of me and that I'm bullying him and trying to pick a fight and that I want attention and drama.

This isn't the case at all. I was ok with him keeping the photo's for only him to view...I just didn't want to see them or having people we know see that they are still part of his profile when I'm not up there at all.

I feel he has turned the whole situation back on top of me and that I'm the problem and that I am over sensitive? I thought it was normal mindful behaviour to hide or make private ex pics...but maybe this is just me?

Am I being over sensitive? As to his bullying comment and liking drama...this is not who I am..which makes me seriously question our future now..

Katgurl

Well i don't think its an unreasonable request and sounds to me like quite a dramatic reaction from him. That said however, questioning your future sounds ott too when you are expecting a child together.

I don't know what exactly you wrote, he clearly misinterpreted the tone.

In terms of advice - next time have the conversation in person instead of via text.

How long are you guys together? Is he usually defensive?

LushiousLips

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all, nor immature. You and him need to talk about this face to face and let him see things from your point of view. If anything, he was the one that went ott about it.
I would be sad too to see not one photo of you and him together.

Pelvis

Surely if these pictures are going back to 2009 people would need to actually make an effort to and find them. Which no one is going to do, except you it seems.

Tbh, I don't see the big deal.

The fact there's no pictures of your up there world trouble me more. But that could just be because you were never on Facebook before.

skallywag

So when you look through his previous profile pictures which he has used in the past, some of them have an ex-girlfriend in the picture from the time that he would have used that as his profile picture, i.e. when they were together in the past.

If that's the case I think that you are being very unreasonable in asking him to make these pictures private. If I am right these pictures don't stand out to you as soon as you wander into his page, right? i.e. you would need to actively go searching through his old pictures to find them?

I really don't see the issue here.

woodchuck

I think you're being completely unreasonable (female here). Everybody has pictures of their exs on Facebook, purely because everybody has a past. It's a non-issue.

His response sounds a bit dramatic, but it could be that he picked up your tone wrong through text. He probably should have gone easier on you especially given that you're pregnant with his child atm, but honestly, I'd view your request as controlling behaviour.

If you want photos of the two of you on Facebook, upload some yourself and tag him.

skallywag

skallywag wrote: »

If I am right these pictures don't stand out to you as soon as you wander into his page, right? i.e. you would need to actively go searching through his old pictures to find them?

You're right. I have over 100 "profile pictures", it would be a pain in the arse to go in and edit the privacy on all of them.

To me his response sounds over the top, but so does your request. You didn't care enough about FB to friend him before now and five minutes in and you're telling him to change stuff, he might be just drawing a line in the sand.

Yellow pack crisps

Forget about Facebook! Find out what's really the underlying problem in your relationship. Next time don't text, wait till they get home and discuss it.

LegacyUser

Pelvis wrote: »

Surely if these pictures are going back to 2009 people would need to actually make an effort to and find them. Which no one is going to do, except you it seems.

Tbh, I don't see the big deal.

The fact there's no pictures of your up there world trouble me more. But that could just be because you were never on Facebook before.

Hi. Thanks for your feedback. The pictures are in his Profile Pictures so I didn't have to search, I just clicked in to his main picture and then came across them maybe like the third picture in and then the rest were straight after. I didn't have to go into the account or trawl through it.

I have been on Facebook for years...I just don't really use it except for news links and Waterfordwhispers !

Yeah...I'm not a raging narcissist that needs photos of me and him...but when he chooses to post other girls eg friends instead of me in addition to these goldem oldies of the ex it saddened and worried me...

groovyg

How long are you guys together?

Airyfairy12

Id personally find that request unreasonable. You wearnt even friends with him on facebook and youre not an active user so it makes sense that he wouldnt post pictures with you. If a partner requested I change my privacy settings on photos of ex's id feel it as an attempt by my partner to control me out of jealousy. Why dont you add some photos of you both together and tag him in them.
If youre questioning the future of your relationship over some 8 year old facebook photos you have bigger problems imo.

LegacyUser

Over two years.

Yeah, he can be defensive mostly or goes the opposite and laughs at my raising of issues. So it's hard to have a face to face conversation at the best of times.

December2012

I think you're in the wrong. You don't use Facebook (as in interact on it) and you're asking him to change his profile? It is very controlling behaviour.

I can see why he reacted the way you say he did.

You're pregnant with his child. They are an ex. If you're private and inactive on Facebook then he won't have you on it.

If it means that much to you, put on Facebook that you're in a relationship.

njs030

I also think you're wrong op.
It really shouldn't matter what photos he had up 8 years ago, people change and maybe in this relationship he doesn't feel that he needs or wants to have photos of you and him as his profile picture.
If Facebook is so unimportant to you that it's taken you two years to add each other as friends, it does seem a bit odd you care about a few photos. It sounds quite insecure and controlling tbh.
You know, his past made him who he is and he's the person you chose to have a child with, he's with you now and all the important people in both your lives know that already.

Let it go and choose your fights wisely!

LLMMLL

That aspect of Facebook has gone out of fashion with privacy concerns. Back in 2009 people would be putting up 30 photos of a night out and tagging everyone in them. Different times. Plus he's a bit older now so social media probably less important.

leggo

Yeah sorry OP, I think you've made a mountain out of a molehill here. I see where the emotions are coming from, don't get me wrong, it's just that once you acted on them you made yourself wrong. His reaction was dramatic, but then again it's a pain in the hole to have to go through a bunch of pictures and change settings when the other person can just deal with it. I don't think I've been with someone who hadn't old pictures of them with an ex up, it happens a lot like.

The reason there's likely no pictures of you on his Facebook is that you admit you don't use Facebook. So it's not a shared thing in your current relationship as it may have been in his old one. You're only friends with him now, so if he'd have been putting a pic up with you he couldn't even tag you in it. You probably don't have pics with him up either in that case.

I'd apologise for the sake of ending a pointless fight. He should too then for his reaction, but it kinda has to start from you.

Maggiemay13

Yellow pack crisps wrote: »

Forget about Facebook! Find out what's really the underlying problem in your relationship. Next time don't text, wait till they get home and discuss it.

Couldn't agree more with this OP. There are clearly underlying issues in your relationship which badly need to be addressed. It really is a non-issue for your boyfriend to have some photos of his ex-girlfriend on his fb- it is not as though his main photo is of him and his ex-girlfriend snuggled up together. You actively have to search through his past profile photos to find a photo of them together. This girl existed in his life at one point, whether you like it or not. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh.

I have been with my husband for 10 years, and in all that time he has never had a photo of the 2 of us on his fb profile page. I definitely don't lose any sleep over it. He loves me and treats me very well. Is that not the important thing in a relationship? Why are you zoning in on something so insignificant? And that's what fb is- it's completely insignificant. You are allowing a social networking site to damage your relationship with your partner.

You are expecting a baby, things are about to change significantly for you and your partner and so it is completely understandable that you feel a little uncertain and possibly insecure at the moment. But it's important to realise that you have overreacted here. As did your boyfriend in the aftermath. Talk this through with him and I promise you you will both feel better. Try to avoid the texting scenario in future when dealing with a niggling issue.

Best of luck.

Rachiee

Personally OP if a partner asked me to change my privacy setting on old photos I would be genuinely annoyed and disappointed.

If you think about how facebook works, as you change your profile pics it automatically archives the last ones into a folder on your own page called profile pics.
Common friends get notifications about current activity they'd have to click into his profile and have a route through his photos to find them. (most people dont do this)

He didnt save them himself, its not like he had them saved into a special folder called happier times or precious memories, facebook just keeps anything you post.

I can see why, going through the pics, your emotions may have gotten the best of you but your reaction was pretty illogical and irrationally jealous. If you dont trust him,feel unloved, neglected theres a reason for that and facebook is not it.

witchgirl26

OP I get that the photos were easy enough to find but maybe that just means he doesn't change his profile picture that much. I only have 4 photos in my Profile Pictures folder because I couldn't be bothered updating them.

To be honest I would think that you've completely overreacted here. He's been with you 2 years and you're expecting a child together - is that not commitment enough? I would never think to ask my other half (who I've been with 6 years) to change the privacy or any other settings on his Facebook page. There are pics of him from back in the day with an ex I'm sure on it but that is his past. The pictures are 8 years old - does it really bother you that much. He may have also overreacted a bit but I probably would have too if I'd gotten a request like that.

In terms of there being no pictures of you, if you rarely use facebook, then maybe he thought you wouldn't be comfortable with having pictures up. There are no pictures of me and one of my best friends on for that singular reason. It's Facebook - it means a sum total of nothing in real life.

LegacyUser

Hi, OP here.

Thanks for all the advice. Obviously I shouldn't have asked him to hide them from my view and we have talked through all of it since.

I'm not usually like this, just the pregnancy hormones have me driven demented!

Thanks again.

alberto67

Pleasepostanon17 wrote: »

Hi, OP here.

Thanks for all the advice. Obviously I shouldn't have asked him to hide them from my view and we have talked through all of it since.

I'm not usually like this, just the pregnancy hormones have me driven demented!

Thanks again.

I personally think you were right from the beginning. He should remove these pictures, especially if they bother you. You are together and soon to be a family. How you feel should be his priority. Another poster pointed out that it's better to talk face to face than text or message, I agree.

woodchuck

alberto67 wrote: »

I personally think you were right from the beginning. He should remove these pictures, especially if they bother you. You are together and soon to be a family. How you feel should be his priority. Another poster pointed out that it's better to talk face to face than text or message, I agree.

Just because someone feels a certain way, doesn't mean it's reasonable for the other person to cater to that feeling. Sometimes the person with the feeling needs to recognise that they're being unreasonable and try to address the underlying issues of why they're feeling that way (e.g. insecurities). What if she felt bothered by him having female friends? It's a more extreme example, but I hope you get my point.

December2012

Pleasepostanon17 wrote: »

Hi, OP here.

Thanks for all the advice. Obviously I shouldn't have asked him to hide them from my view and we have talked through all of it since.

I'm not usually like this, just the pregnancy hormones have me driven demented!

Thanks again.

Fair play to you for taking the comments on board. Pregnancy can be hard so bear that in mind. Maybe it has made you insecure about things you wouldn't normally be bothered by?

I wish you the best with your pregnancy and relationship

alberto67

Good luck OP with whatever you decide, you have different points of view and perhaps now you are better able to make a decision.

Talking about that with your partner might open his eyes and he might eventually remove the pictures including those of his ex.

Best wishes.

Colser

For what it's worth OP I'd have reacted similar to you but I'd have waited and told him face to face.Put it like this ,if any of my friends were living with their partners and pregnant and I could see pictures on their partners FB of them with their ex I'd be kinda surprised tbh.

We're all different I suppose but it would definitely throw me tbh.Rightly or wrongly I just wouldn't like it.

cactusgal

Colser wrote: »

For what it's worth OP I'd have reacted similar to you but I'd have waited and told him face to face.Put it like this ,if any of my friends were living with their partners and pregnant and I could see pictures on their partners FB of them with their ex I'd be kinda surprised tbh.

We're all different I suppose but it would definitely throw me tbh.Rightly or wrongly I just wouldn't like it.

I agree. I was more than ready to remove photos of myself and my ex-fiance after we split up. The only couple pics I have up there now are of me and my boyfriend. I'd find it weird if either of us had pics up of ourselves with our ex partners.

mada82

It's a ridiculous request.

LegacyUser

Nah you are dead right, people have lost the run of themselves and social media. You wouldn't leave a physical folder of photos of exes on your coffee table for random friends and family to flick through if they so wish. Who cares if everybody does it or who does it? Nobody wants to see happy romantic photos of their partner loved up with someone else. Anyone with an ounce of respect would remove them, easily done!

LegacyUser

Nahdeadright....That was exactly my first thought when I seen them tbh...

I am the type of person that is hyper aware to the emotions and feelings of others. So when my previous relationship ended I edited my profile pictures so that my ex was no longer visible to people and those I dated afterwards as I felt it's not something they need to see. And also in a way to give my ex closure and that my keeping our loved up photos publically visible wasn't a sign I was still in to them or had not let go.

I seen it as akin to leaving pictures on the mantlepiece or as this poster says in an album anyone could pick up.

My friends have done the same too as far as I've always been aware.

From reading the replies here I see that I am very much in the minority.
The majority of people don't seem to think it's a big deal to allow these photo's to remain seen by new partners. And that's exactly the group my partner falls into...he didn't see it as an issue...he wasn't mindful enough to have the foresight to know I might care or that I might have a flick through his pics down through the ages...he is my boyfriend after all..I like looking at him, his face and seeing how he has evolved and changed over the years!!

He has admitted that it musn't have been nice for me seeing images of him and an ex kissing and canoodling together and he has removed them. He agreed he wouldn't like looking at pics of me and ex....I think personally it's strange the majority here are ok with this. You are all stronger than me.

So, although I'm not happy with it...I see I'm in the minority...and therefore on a world level it seems an overreaction.and I know I should have communicated better face to face..so I will move on.I know deep down now he just forgot they were there.

OP here btw

woodchuck

Pleasepostanon17 wrote: »

I seen it as akin to leaving pictures on the mantlepiece or as this poster says in an album anyone could pick up.

I wouldn't leave those pictures sitting on a mantlepiece, however I do have old hard copy holiday photoalbums and my ex is in a few of the pictures (also holidays on my own and with friends... so by no means a lovey dovey album!). The photoalbums came with me when I moved into my current boyfriends place. So technically they're lying around for him to pick up. However I have nothing to hide. It's well in the past, but it is still a part of my past and I can't change that. To attempt to edit it would actually seem dishonest to me.

You sound very insecure tbh OP. Maybe it's just the pregnancy hormones atm? But if not, I think any change needs to come from your end, not his. Otherwise you'll come off as controlling and push him away.

bee06

Pleasepostanon17 wrote: »

Nahdeadright....That was exactly my first thought when I seen them tbh...

I am the type of person that is hyper aware to the emotions and feelings of others. So when my previous relationship ended I edited my profile pictures so that my ex was no longer visible to people and those I dated afterwards as I felt it's not something they need to see. And also in a way to give my ex closure and that my keeping our loved up photos publically visible wasn't a sign I was still in to them or had not let go.

I would be the opposite and see hiding them as sneaky. My husband still had pictures of his ex on his Facebook. It did kind of bother me when we started going out but I knew this was due to my insecurity not anything on his part. Now, I couldn't care less. I would say there are more photos of her than me actually because as we've gotten older we just don't use Facebook that much.

professore

I see this as trying to erase history and preferring some fantasy world over reality. I don't go round every day thinking whether my wife has pictures of her exes somewhere or not!!! Having said that if she had them and was mooning over them constantly then I wouldn't be happy about it, but this isn't the case.

Pregnancy hormones can make you a bit crazy, I've seen it first hand. Don't worry about stuff like this, once the baby comes you won't have time to be worrying about stuff like this.

Good luck with the new arrival!

team_actimel

I don't think you're wrong to feel this way.

I'd have thought that people would delete profile photos of exes.
All my friends have deleted profile photos of their exes.

It's fine to still have photos tagged of both you and an ex in but to still have profile photos with an ex, for most people to see is odd.
It takes 2 seconds to delete a photo so there's no excuse.

SB_Part2

I think everyone to some degree feels a little 'ugh' when they see pics of their partner with their ex.

But asking them to delete/hide the pictures is a bit extreme.

alberto67

Pleasepostanon17 wrote: »

From reading the replies here I see that I am very much in the minority.

The majority of people don't seem to think it's a big deal to allow these photo's to remain seen by new partners.

I think personally it's strange the majority here are ok with this. You are all stronger than me.

OP here btw

- Majority of people: no, it's a forum not representative of the whole country. Sometimes posters team up too...

- You are all stronger than me: Not really, trust your feelings. Some posters just have different opinions, it doesn't mean that they are stronger.


The point about hormones and pregnancy is often exaggerated. In my opinion, your concerns are reasonable. I would feel the same and I am not pregnant!

LegacyUser

Thanks for your feedback and support alberto67!

bucketybuck

I think the OP is completely out of line, and I can understand the boyfriends reaction too. In fact, had he asked here for advice he would have been told to immediately make it very clear that such controlling behaviour is not acceptable in a relationship.

I have a history, I have old photos with ex's in them, if somebody I was dating came along and told me to delete them that would be red warning lights and klaxons sounding in my brain because who needs that sort of insecurity in their life.

ash23

I'm with current partner 4 years. Prior to him I was with someone else. There'd be a few uploaded photos of me and my ex on Facebook. Things we attended, things we did. I didn't go back through it all to delete pictures. I was with him at a time in my life, now it's over and we've both moved on. I'm not going to erase a chunk of my life on Facebook because he's mentioned or there are pictures of him.
On the other hand he erased all mention of me on his Facebook about two years after we split up. That struck me as odd but whatever.

People are different and view things differently. I don't think he's wrong to not erase photos. I don't think you're wrong if you do it. But I'm not sure this is a viewpoint you can or should force on someone else.

team_actimel

I think people are forgetting that the OP is talking about profile pics with the ex, not photos they're both tagged in.

woodchuck

team_actimel wrote: »

I think people are forgetting that the OP is talking about profile pics with the ex, not photos they're both tagged in.

OLD profile pics though. I could understand if it was his current profile pic, but Facebook just automatically puts old profile pictures into an album.

alberto67

Pleasepostanon17 wrote: »

Thanks for your feedback and support alberto67!

With pleasure, best wishes with the pregnancy and relationship.

Skibunny77

A friend had a similar disagreement with her partner - he was the one who felt uncomfortable with pics of her ex on her profile. Funnily enough, once she had their first baby, she felt uncomfortable with pics of her own ex and deleted them. I think it is a fair and reasonable request, it is showing basic respect to your current partner.