Can I start again at 32?

bitofabind

milli milli wrote: »

What exactly were you getting out of this relationship?

Love, partnership, someone to make plans with, daily laughter and support, someone who was proud of me, someone to be silly with.

There were dates that were outside the pub, there were holidays and trips and family visits and we'd budget for it together and it worked just fine. That's why I sound like a lunatic saying I love this guy who on paper and on this thread is a waster with no redeeming qualities whatsoever. I never painted his good side as colourful as the bad, such is the nature of these threads.

I know that you're all right and I need to be more decisive here, but I'm also struggling to get out of bed at the moment, I haven't eaten in three days, i'm mourning a love and a future that was nowhere near perfect and that was dysfunctional and that certainly became more bad than good but that was MINE and that was my life for the last two years and that I had invested in in so many ways.

So yes, you're all totally and completely right that I need to make a plan and not get drawn in again, and I am leaning very heavily on family and friends at the moment to make sure that I do this and can move forward in a way that's right for me. But please, give me a minute to fall apart and be a human who fell in love with someone flawed and is dealing with the emotional fallout of that.

Estrellita

bitofabind wrote: »

Butt please, give me a minute to fall apart and be a human who fell in love with someone flawed and is dealing with the emotional fallout of that.

This is your life, you can do what you please with it. But quite frankly, you're more afraid of being single again than you are interested in doing the right thing for yourself.

Whatever you do, do not have children for this man. You think your life is complicated now? When you have to explain to them why Daddy is on the floor again when they come down for breakfast, maybe then you'll realise it's not the life you wanted for them.

But go ahead, take your time getting over him. I think we both know you're going to fall at the first hurdle. As soon as he shows up you'll be relieved because you can then go on pretending everything is okay. nobodys relationship is perfect right? I'm not going to sugar coat your situation for you. You came here for advice, so there's no point lying to you.

If you go back to him there is no use crying over his 'flaws'. As the old saying goes "you've made your bed, now lie in it".

ManOfMystery

bitofabind wrote: »

milli milli wrote: »

What exactly were you getting out of this relationship?

Love, partnership, someone to make plans with, daily laughter and support, someone who was proud of me, someone to be silly with.

There were dates that were outside the pub, there were holidays and trips and family visits and we'd budget for it together and it worked just fine. That's why I sound like a lunatic saying I love this guy who on paper and on this thread is a waster with no redeeming qualities whatsoever. I never painted his good side as colourful as the bad, such is the nature of these threads.

I know that you're all right and I need to be more decisive here, but I'm also struggling to get out of bed at the moment, I haven't eaten in three days, i'm mourning a love and a future that was nowhere near perfect and that was dysfunctional and that certainly became more bad than good but that was MINE and that was my life for the last two years and that I had invested in in so many ways.

So yes, you're all totally and completely right that I need to make a plan and not get drawn in again, and I am leaning very heavily on family and friends at the moment to make sure that I do this and can move forward in a way that's right for me. But please, give me a minute to fall apart and be a human who fell in love with someone flawed and is dealing with the emotional fallout of that.

The thing is, real life is never black and white. People aren't painted like they are in Hollywood films; a clear cut villain, or a clear cut good guy. There are grey areas, nuances and so on.

Whilst you and him undoubtedly shared some good times, there were also bad times. And when these start to outweigh the good times - or get to the point where they're causing you so much anguish and stress that they start to dominate the relationship - then it's time to pull the plug. I don't think he's a bad person, I'm sure he's kind and loving in his own way. But he's totally irresponsible, selfish and has issues with alcohol. That's not someone you need in your life.

I would never try to lessen what you're going through, but this is all fresh and raw and painful. It will get better. Many, many millions of people have come through relationship breakups and went on to better things and better people - you just have to keep looking forward, not back. And make sure if you do look back, it's not with rose-tinted glasses - I broke up with girl once who I adored at times and hated at other times, so extreme was her behaviour - after the breakup I found myself missing her at times, but rather than pick up the phone I had to keep reminding myself why we broke up. 

Take this breakup as a good life lesson in what you can and can't tolerate in a relationship, and use that as experience going forward.

ahnow

Hi,

I went out with someone like that, although it hadn't quite gotten to that stage with the excess of drinking, I would wager if we had stayed together it would have eventually. This is what helped me-because like you there are times when I think about what could have been.
Write down in a journal all of the bad qualities you were unhappy with about him in one list, then make a list about what these bad qualities would have meant for a future together.
Then in another list write out all of the things you really want in a partner, reliabilty, stability, responsibility etc. This will help you in the months to come to not get sucked into what was good about the relationship, because the reality is while there were good aspects to it, there were also gaping holes, that in the long run would have been disastrous. In time you will be able to focus more on what couldn't work about it, and this will help you.
Take care!

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julyjane

There are worse things in life than being alone. Do you know any single women? I can immediately think of 2 in my extended family, one is late 50s and separated about 20 years. The other early 50s and never married and hasn't had a serious relationship (that she went public with anyway) in many years. Are they unhappy? Absolutely not. Both live alone and enjoy having their own space. They do what they want when they want without having to check in with anyone else. Go on holidays where they want, watch what they want on tv, engage in their hobbies and interests and don't pick up after any man or wonder when he'll be home. Maybe the initial adjustment period was hard, but both appear content with their situations and have, to use a cliché, found themselves.

Katgurl

OP my heart goes out to you. It is very very hard to say goodbye to somebody you love.

But you have to love yourself more. You owe yourself more.

Yes it is going to hurt like hell. Giving up cigarettes was dog rough for me initially even though i knew they brought nothing but suffering into my life.

I came out of a bad relationship when i was two years younger than you. It was hard, hard, hard. I didn't want to be the sad single girl. I didn't want to be the contended single girl. I didn't want to be the inspirational single girl. All my friends were getting engaged and married. I didn't want to be the single girl. But i knew deep down that this relationship was never going to work. It sounds like you have come to that realization too.

But once i began living what i was afraid of i became so much happier. I got lots of new hobbies. I got way fitter and felt more attractive and confident. I went back to college and retrained. I travelled loads with work. I had so much more time and my finances were healthier (i too had carried him). But the main thing was that i had my self belief back. I met a great man later and i am really happy but that is sort of irrelevant.

On the other side one of my best friends broke up with her parasite boyfriend at the same age as me but went back with him. Twelve years on, she is flirting with alcoholism herself, alienated from lots of her family and friends, in a poor financial and living situation, despite being relatively v.successful back then is only just hanging onto her job now. She used to be stunning, now looks like an overweight baglady most of the time. They have no children and her heart is broken.

I know it is tough but you have to put yourself first. 32 is so young! You probably have another 60 years here. Make them good ones.

LegacyUser

I remember your post of a few months ago and how I said it was time to end things with this man. The truth is you stayed with him despite the advice you were given back then. I felt sorry for you when I saw your post.

The reality is that he has shown his true side to your family. Perhaps they noticed a few things about him before this and watching him in action confirmed what he was like to them. Your friends could have been the same. I know it is hard at 32 when a relationship ends and you watching friends getting married and having kids.

Some times things happen for a reason and you may not see this or know this until a while later. At this stage you have a choice to make. Do you let this man back into your life because his kind always come running back or do you stay strong and tell him to get lost.
You need to make plans for your life going forward and he should not be part of it.
If you go back to him you are setting yourself up for a miserable life of hardship. Your family won't want you near him. If you have kids there will be money for drink and his attitude will be so what if the kids need things or the bills have to be paid.

One of my friends ended up with a man like yours and 3 children later she finally kicked him out of there rented house. She was sick of having no money, the fights and she did not want the children growing up to see this as normal.

I am in my 40's. I have seen people been told to end relationships or not to marry that person. Some people listened, ended things and moved on with there lives and some people stayed thinking things would get better. If you met both people say 5 or 10 years later you would see who was happy or who was miserable.

The hardest thing to do at times is to walk away but long term it can be the best thing you ever did for yourself.

Bambi985

Stay strong OP. It's hard, really really hard and even when your gut is yelling at you that everything is wrong, the heart wants what it wants and this is why people write songs about this stuff - because falling in love with someone is the most powerful and sometimes destructive thing that we can do as humans!

I think people are being a bit harsh here with the tough love - has no-one ever fallen in love with the wrong person? People get and stay in the worst relationships all day every day - literally I could list about ten couples that I know off the top of my head. All miserable and settling for the absolute worst treatment and behaviour. OP knows what she has to do and it looks like it's finally happening and the fallout of that is probably amongst the worst emotional pain a person can experience.

Stay strong OP and listen to your gut. Is there a friend you could stay with while you sort out all the admin stuff? Could you make some plans to keep you out of the house for the weekend? Try to stay busy, confide in your family and friends, try to get a walk in the fresh air if you can muster it. Keep your routine and don't bow to any reconciliatory bullsh1t your ex throws your way - keep thinking of your future. Your future without him will be so much brighter than if you stay. Your finances, your plans, your job and your love life will be your own. Cry if you need to. Take another day off work to watch soppy movies and wallow if you need to. You can do this x

Snoopy1

3 days in bed over a man who you asked for advice months ago about breaking up. That's ridiculous. No one should spend 3 days in bed over a man. We've all had break ups, I've had to move out of places I shared with other halves in a days notice.
You really need to wake up grow up and realise 32 is young. I'd give anything to be 32 again.

bitofabind

Hi guys. It's six months down the road and I found myself back at this thread, reading through all the advice and finding comfort in the reality of this relationship I had versus the sadness I've been feeling in this man's absence.

I ended up moving out in october, we stayed in touch intermittently and would meet up every so often, a weird friendship of sorts. he started AA, was successful for about a month and then back on the booze and lying about it and making excuses for it as per usual. talking of 'meetings' every time we met up and then I'd see him being tagged in a photo in facebook, pint in hand, or would smell the booze off him. the man really has a problem.

The last time this happened was a month ago, he disappeared off the radar on the day we were supposed to meet for dinner, emerged three days later full of the usual remorse, "i had a relapse" and this was my final straw, five months post breakup. The cord has finally been cut and it's left me feeling sad and empty, and has been a harsh lesson to learn about not letting it be a clean break when you clearly dont have a future with someone and need to start moving on.

i've read a lot of threads around here and have always wondered how things panned out, i got a lot of good advice here so i thought people might like to hear that i;m moving on. Not in the way i would have liked or hoped for and i've had some seriously dark days and made lots of mistakes but im doing my best to reclaim my life now and move forward. it's my birthday in a few weeks and i really want 33 to be a happy year for me, in fact im determined to make it so. i got promoted just before christmas so work has been busy, i've been hitting the gym a few times a week, fixed up my diet, spend my weekends meeting friends and getting all my beauty appointments in. lots of travel on the cards too. i have a lot to be thankful for.

thanks to everyone for your advice and insights. i took everything on board at the time but walking away from the only man ive ever loved has been the hardest thing i've ever had to do and it turned me into someone i still don't quite recognise. im getting there x

contrary_devil

I haven't posted on your thread before but I've just had a quick read. Fair dues to you for giving the latest update.
Stay strong and it will all work out in the end for you. I wish you the best of luck for the future.