Can I start again at 32?

LegacyUser

Hi there everyone,

Would really love some advice and perhaps insight on a personal relationship issue.

I'm a woman, 32, and with my boyfriend 2 years. We moved in together about 6-7 months ago. I love him but there are some major incompatibilities that have really raised their head since we started living together. Frankly I'm not hopeful for our future together.

The issues are big ones - money, which we have a totally different approach to, and his drinking. I'm a saver and at my age my priorities are getting a mortgage and settling down, saving for a family which I'd hope to start in the next few years. He on the other hand whittles away his money on booze, fags and nights out and talks about future goals in an entirely abstract way "someday" blah blah blah. Has no savings and bringing up the issue leads to rows and is a complete nightmare. It's frankly not enough for me at this stage of my life and is drawing a major wedge between us.

His drinking to me is too much and kind of worrying. On his days off he'll often head to the pub and knock back ten pints or buy himself a bottle of gin/several bottles of wine and consume them all himself. Last night he went out with work colleagues "i'll be back around 10.30", came home about 3am and fell asleep on the living room floor.

I can't live this way. But I don't know what to do. We've recently moved in together, he's my first and only long-term relationship and I'm 32. Breaking up and being single again genuinely terrifies me, beyond the turbulence of having to move out etc etc. I can't be single again and it feels as if I'd be taking a major risk in terms of losing the ability to have a family and settle down in the years ahead. What if I never meet anyone again? Is it too late to start all over again?

My head is all over the place and I feel so alone in it all. any words of advice would really be appreciated :-(

Big Bag of Chips

Which seems like a better option - (possibly) lose the chance of having a family, or having a family with a man who priortises drinking over everything else? Do you think having a family would change him? Have a read of a few threads here from people who were in relationships with heavy drinkers who believed they'd change when they moved in together, or when they got a mortgage, or got married, or had children or.. or.. or...

It rarely happens. So if you continue with this relationship as it is, the person you are with now, is the person you are going to be with in 10 or 15 or 20 years time. He is the person who will be the father of your children. He will be the person you will be sharing parenting with. The person you will need to depend on. Children aren't babies for long. They go to school, they get involved in activities, they need to be brought places. Have more than 1 and they often need to be in 2 different places at the same time. Will he be there to bring one of them if needed?

You're 32. So young, believe it or not. If you can't ever have an adult discussion about important things like finances without it turning into a row, how are you going to bring up a family?

Don't settle for fear of being left alone. Either have a grown up discussion about what you need to be doing together as a couple or end it.

If nothing changes, then nothing changes.

blacklilly

So what's the alternative OP, stay with someone you're incompatible with and have his children while he pisses his money up against a wall?

What kind of life would that be for you or your children?

I don't believe it's ever too late to find someone, obviously having children has a time frame for women but if it's your fear of not finding someone else to have children with that is holding you back from ending this relationship then you have your priorities all wrong.

Do you look forward to living the rest of your life miserably? with children in tow? and no help, emotionally or financially from your partner? Do you look forward to waking up every day full of anger and resentment and have to deal with his drinking issues?

Personally, for me, I have never ever stayed with someone due to fear of not finding someone else and I cannot understand the logic behind it.
I'm in a new relationship after being single for over 5 years, I would wholeheartedly rather live the rest of my life single then spend 2 minutes in a relationship with someone who isn't compatible with me.

Life is short and has enough ups and downs outside of your control, why deliberately carry on with something that is making you unhappy and consider bringing children into that unhappiness?

It's difficult enough to change ourselves never mind change someone else, move on, move on and be happy.

Conor Bourke

bitofabind wrote: »

Hi there everyone,

Would really love some advice and perhaps insight on a personal relationship issue.

I'm a woman, 32, and with my boyfriend 2 years. We moved in together about 6-7 months ago. I love him but there are some major incompatibilities that have really raised their head since we started living together. Frankly I'm not hopeful for our future together.

The issues are big ones - money, which we have a totally different approach to, and his drinking. I'm a saver and at my age my priorities are getting a mortgage and settling down, saving for a family which I'd hope to start in the next few years. He on the other hand whittles away his money on booze, fags and nights out and talks about future goals in an entirely abstract way "someday" blah blah blah. Has no savings and bringing up the issue leads to rows and is a complete nightmare. It's frankly not enough for me at this stage of my life and is drawing a major wedge between us.

His drinking to me is too much and kind of worrying. On his days off he'll often head to the pub and knock back ten pints or buy himself a bottle of gin/several bottles of wine and consume them all himself. Last night he went out with work colleagues "i'll be back around 10.30", came home about 3am and fell asleep on the living room floor.

I can't live this way. But I don't know what to do. We've recently moved in together, he's my first and only long-term relationship and I'm 32. Breaking up and being single again genuinely terrifies me, beyond the turbulence of having to move out etc etc. I can't be single again and it feels as if I'd be taking a major risk in terms of losing the ability to have a family and settle down in the years ahead. What if I never meet anyone again? Is it too late to start all over again?

My head is all over the place and I feel so alone in it all. any words of advice would really be appreciated :-(

A close friend of mine married a guy who sounds exactly as you described. She had one daughter with him and lived a very miserable existence until a couple of years ago at 49 years of age she decided enough was enough and left him. It's been difficult since, but despite the practical hardships she endured she's never been happier, and she even met a wonderful man about 18 months ago. They're moving in together in the next few weeks and everything.

It's never too late.

Teyla Emmagan

Do you really want to have children with an alcoholic? They certainly won't thank you for it. Neither will he, they will be eating all his drinking money. Leave now before you waste any more of your time. Easier to start and at 32 than 42.

SGSM

First off. 32 is not old. My two aunties have had their first children this year. One is 41, the other is 40. You have plenty of time. If you're not happy, I'd leave. Don't stay just because you're afraid ya won't find someone else. If ya are genuinely worried about not finding someone else then tip the scales in your favour. Work out, eat well, get into great shape and put yourself out there. You'll have no problem finding a man that you are crazy about. Just my two cents. Best of luck.

athtrasna

I started again at 34. Absolutely the right decision. Age is only a number but happiness is priceless, put yourself first

Lead

I started again at 35 and am in the happiest place ive ever been with someone. My Nana started again at 64 and got married for the second time at 66

m'lady

Ask yourself do you really want to bring a child into the world with this guy, because you will struggle- financially, emotionally and on a practical level. He will prioritise drink above the baby's and your needs. That's not a life for anyone, especially a child?

For what's it's worth, I started again at your age and I honestly couldn't be happier.

silverharp

yeah get out, not fair to bring kids into that

LegacyUser

Thanks guys. I know you're all right and I probably knew it deep-down too, it's just that bit harder to see the wood for the trees when your emotions are involved and it's your own life on the line.

I re-read my post and realised I probably misrepresented my boyfriend in the heat of m anger over last night. Spoke earlier and he told me he's paid all our bills and inquired about setting up a shared account for us - he's not all bad and to be honest has been far more proactive in our moving in together, sorting out practical stuff etc.

It's just the drinking and the pattern of him blowing money out the window the week after he's gotten paid and then being skint two weeks later. Dropping 20 - 30 quid on fags every day and out for pints with the lads or downing booze like no-one's business every chance he gets, while I'm lumping any disposable income i have into my savings and I'm also not much of a drinker so I can't understand it or relate to it.

I just alway assumed i'd have a partner that would want and work towards the same things as me, we'd contribute to a mortgage deposit together, we'd pay for a wedding together, I'd have the same financial support that my mother had etc. OH comes from a different family where they always had money problems and he seems completely clueless and in turn defensive about his lack of know-how when it comes to financial goals. when i try to bring it up I get "but you make way more money than me" - which is totally missing the point. Even when I was on half the salary, I still put away a few hundred quid a month because that's always been the priority. Is this something that a person can ever change on?

I just feel "old" in terms of being back on the single market, even as a 25 year old I found it hard to meet someone decent - I'm not big on the bar scene, most of my friends are coupled up and anyone I meet in "real life" is taken at this point. Funnily enough I'm not short of male attention, I'm not exactly an ogre, but being checked out when you're out and about is completely useless when it comes to actually meeting someone you're compatible with however flattering it is.

The idea of online dating again feels me with absolute horror :-/

santana75

bitofabind wrote: »

Breaking up and being single again genuinely terrifies me, beyond the turbulence of having to move out etc etc. I can't be single again and it feels as if I'd be taking a major risk in terms of losing the ability to have a family and settle down in the years ahead. What if I never meet anyone again? Is it too late to start all over again?

Of course you can be single again!!! It sounds like you're just terrified of being alone. You have to face that fear. You can either settle for what you have and hope that by some miracle of God that this Guy changes(which he wont) or you can face your fear and end the relationship even though you have no idea whats gonna happen next. Thats life, thats the adventure of life. Dont settle. I;ve seen this happen and its a guarantee of misery in the future. Take the chance and see what happens. You'll be fine and it'll in all likelihood be the making of you.

Dixie Chick

Oh god yeah, you can start over at 32!! Years can fly by you when you are dithering what to do even when your gut has told you it is not right.

He might grow out of it and he may not but trying to talk and it creating a fight is just a big warning sign

SarahMollie

OP - I'm really sorry you're in this position. Ending a relationship can be hard and whilst I understand that the prospect of starting over at 32 can seem daunting, the reality of your day to day life with this man should be ringing all sorts of alarm bells.

tomwaits48

get rid now while you have the chance.

retro:electro

Op my sister was in the same position as you, but she had been with him for 8 years. She felt she had wasted the best years of her life on a waster who was never going to cop on, and she too tossed around with the idea of staying with him for the sake of a family, or leaving and taking that risk that you might never have kids. She was 33 when it all ended and took a small break for herself, before getting right back out there and enjoying every minute of it. She's now 38 and pregnant with her second child and is married to the biggest gentleman you could ever meet.

I'm a firm believer in your gut speaking to you, as daft as that sounds. So many times in my life I've gone with my gut and I've looked back and thanked my lucky stars. I believe you are here posting this today for a reason, listen to your gut!

gargargar

Have you spoken about his drinking to him? He may still think he is in his 20s (the fact that he talks about the future in an abstract way).

If you talk about the health effects of that level of boozing he might make changes? Would you love him if he could change?

cbyrd

I started over at 39, with 4 kids. Yes, you can start again. It depends completely on you and what you want.

Big Bag of Chips

I married a man who was a much bigger drinker than I was. It caused lots of problems in our marriage.

My friend married his brother. In his case what started out as just drink eventually turned into cocaine and gambling too. They are now separating. For years she excused his binges. "He's young".. this was even into his 30s. He'd settle down when they had kids, when they got married, when the kids got older, when the kids started to notice etc. Nothing ever changed. They were always broke.

Please don't base a relationship on the potential you think it might have. Base it on what you have now. What you deal with on a daily basis. Children seem to make money evaporate! So between children and a heavy drinker your savings won't last long.

Don't make excuses for him. He's not a single man now, but he's behaving like he is. If you have children he will continue to behave like that. If you're afraid of running out of time, then you need to think how much more time you are willing to allow him to make real changes to turn things around.

If you asked him to not drink for 1 month what do you think his response would be. If he has no money for 2 weeks of the month, where does he get money from? Has he loans? Does he owe friends? Does he owe money you don't know about? These are all things you need to think about before you decide to settle into this life.

Addle

I was a couple of years older than you OP.
It's all worked out for the best, for both me and my ex.
I thought it was him, but it was us.
His behaviour changed when he met his wife.
Don't waste anymore time.

LincolnHawk

Get rid OP. It'll be like taking off a heavy coat in summer

beertons

Does he want to grow up, marry you and have kids?

Tell me how

OP, I am a male, 38 years old. I am single and I do think a lot about what it would be like to be in a relationship.
One thing I am certain of in this respect is that I would sooner remain single in the hope of having a truly fulfilling relationship one day, than to accept something which was more bad than good just so that I could feel like I had a partner.

At 34, my friend walked out of the house she shared with her boyfriend at 11:00 one night because at that moment she realised he was not right for her. She didn't want to wait even 8 hours before she started to move towards the life she wanted and deserved. It wasn't easy but it was so much more rewarding because it was what was going to give her the best chance at happiness (which is never guaranteed). She is now married and has a child and when I see the 3 of them together I think 1 day of that is worth more than a year of sadness or disappointment in a relationship.

I'm not saying leave immediately because everything is more nuanced than that but be true to what you want and what is acceptable behaviour in a partner.



P.S. This is why EVERYONE should live with their partner before they get married. Not to mind a marriage preparation weekend, cohabitation should be mandatory for 6 months before any wedding in my view.

Airyfairy12

This relationship is inevitably going to end, youre just prolonging it and making yourself miserable in the mean time. This guy is wasting your time and he'll will ruin your life if you allow him too. The sooner you leave him the sooner you'll be able to move on and find someone youre compatible with.

Why have you waited until age 30 to have a serious relationship? This might have left you very inexperienced with romantic relationships. Theyre not just about having kids and getting married, you have to actually like the person youre planning to spend your life with. Are you cooking his dinners, cleaning the house and washing his clothes while he drinks all his money? youre not his mother, you have to move on.

Dial Hard

bitofabind wrote:

I re-read my post and realised I probably misrepresented my boyfriend in the heat of m anger over last night. Spoke earlier and he told me he's paid all our bills and inquired about setting up a shared account for us - he's not all bad and to be honest has been far more proactive in our moving in together, sorting out practical stuff etc.

I think that because this is your first relationship you're prepared to overlook behaviours that would be absolute deal-breakers for you if you had more experience.

Don't let gratitude for the fact that you're finally in a relationship blind you to the fact that this guy is trouble with a capital T. I know that probably sounds harsh but I've seen it before in people who came to their first serious relationship when they're a bit older.

tara73

bitofabind wrote: »

Thanks guys. I know you're all right and I probably knew it deep-down too, it's just that bit harder to see the wood for the trees when your emotions are involved and it's your own life on the line.

I re-read my post and realised I probably misrepresented my boyfriend in the heat of m anger over last night. Spoke earlier and he told me he's paid all our bills and inquired about setting up a shared account for us - he's not all bad and to be honest has been far more proactive in our moving in together, sorting out practical stuff etc.

It's just the drinking and the pattern of him blowing money out the window the week after he's gotten paid and then being skint two weeks later. Dropping 20 - 30 quid on fags every day /

sorry OP, but you are being very naive here. DON'T set up a shared account with him. it has nothing to do with him being proactive with you two together, it has something to do with being proactive just for himself.
what does a shared account mean? he has free access whenever he wants to spend your money on booze and fags!!

and seriously, 20-30 quid on fags a day, means he smokes 2-3 packets a day or is he doing marihuana too?

please get rid of this waster, you say it's a horror to face dating again, please think ahead and see him for what he is:some drug addict who will make your life and the life of the innocent kid hell too.

kylith

Look at it this way OP; would you rather start over at 32 or at 42?

Ursus Horribilis

bitofabind wrote: »

I can't live this way. But I don't know what to do. We've recently moved in together, he's my first and only long-term relationship and I'm 32. Breaking up and being single again genuinely terrifies me, beyond the turbulence of having to move out etc etc. I can't be single again and it feels as if I'd be taking a major risk in terms of losing the ability to have a family and settle down in the years ahead. What if I never meet anyone again? Is it too late to start all over again?

They say if you want to know someone, come live with them. You've been given a very clear picture of what lies in store for you if you stay in this relationship. You're only move in together a few short months and already the wheels have come off the wagon in a spectacular fashion. It's not going to improve. He has told you what he is.

Now there is no guarantee you will meet someone else if you split up with this man. But, if you continue in this bad relationship, you are eliminating all possibility of meeting someone else. What's worrying are your words here. "I can't be single again". Why? Is it really better to be alone than to share your life with an unreliable, drunken spendthrift? You now know what he's like and you're not happy with it. This isn't what you signed up for when you moved in with him.

Smile111

Leave him.You are young.
You will be much happier on your own☺

Wesser

"Why have you waited until age 30 to have a serious relationship? This might have left you very inexperienced with romantic relationships."


Sometimes in life things don't just happen exactly as per a schedule airyfairy12!!!!!!!
Sometimes they happen later in life and that is not something you should be reprimanding the op over!

Ursus Horribilis

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

.

Why have you waited until age 30 to have a serious relationship? This might have left you very inexperienced with romantic relationships.

Lucky you if you had no trouble forming serious relationships at a younger age. Some people don't find it so easy and will never be beating off admirers with a stick. I believe this is at the heart of the OP's problem. She didn't meet this guy until she was 30 and she's understandably worried that she won't meet someone else. There are no guarantees in life but I hope she takes heart from knowing that she did meet someone. It's not the person she should stay with but I hope it'll give her new found confidence moving forward.