Can I start again at 32?

LegacyUser

Hi there everyone,

Would really love some advice and perhaps insight on a personal relationship issue.

I'm a woman, 32, and with my boyfriend 2 years. We moved in together about 6-7 months ago. I love him but there are some major incompatibilities that have really raised their head since we started living together. Frankly I'm not hopeful for our future together.

The issues are big ones - money, which we have a totally different approach to, and his drinking. I'm a saver and at my age my priorities are getting a mortgage and settling down, saving for a family which I'd hope to start in the next few years. He on the other hand whittles away his money on booze, fags and nights out and talks about future goals in an entirely abstract way "someday" blah blah blah. Has no savings and bringing up the issue leads to rows and is a complete nightmare. It's frankly not enough for me at this stage of my life and is drawing a major wedge between us.

His drinking to me is too much and kind of worrying. On his days off he'll often head to the pub and knock back ten pints or buy himself a bottle of gin/several bottles of wine and consume them all himself. Last night he went out with work colleagues "i'll be back around 10.30", came home about 3am and fell asleep on the living room floor.

I can't live this way. But I don't know what to do. We've recently moved in together, he's my first and only long-term relationship and I'm 32. Breaking up and being single again genuinely terrifies me, beyond the turbulence of having to move out etc etc. I can't be single again and it feels as if I'd be taking a major risk in terms of losing the ability to have a family and settle down in the years ahead. What if I never meet anyone again? Is it too late to start all over again?

My head is all over the place and I feel so alone in it all. any words of advice would really be appreciated :-(

Big Bag of Chips

Which seems like a better option - (possibly) lose the chance of having a family, or having a family with a man who priortises drinking over everything else? Do you think having a family would change him? Have a read of a few threads here from people who were in relationships with heavy drinkers who believed they'd change when they moved in together, or when they got a mortgage, or got married, or had children or.. or.. or...

It rarely happens. So if you continue with this relationship as it is, the person you are with now, is the person you are going to be with in 10 or 15 or 20 years time. He is the person who will be the father of your children. He will be the person you will be sharing parenting with. The person you will need to depend on. Children aren't babies for long. They go to school, they get involved in activities, they need to be brought places. Have more than 1 and they often need to be in 2 different places at the same time. Will he be there to bring one of them if needed?

You're 32. So young, believe it or not. If you can't ever have an adult discussion about important things like finances without it turning into a row, how are you going to bring up a family?

Don't settle for fear of being left alone. Either have a grown up discussion about what you need to be doing together as a couple or end it.

If nothing changes, then nothing changes.

blacklilly

So what's the alternative OP, stay with someone you're incompatible with and have his children while he pisses his money up against a wall?

What kind of life would that be for you or your children?

I don't believe it's ever too late to find someone, obviously having children has a time frame for women but if it's your fear of not finding someone else to have children with that is holding you back from ending this relationship then you have your priorities all wrong.

Do you look forward to living the rest of your life miserably? with children in tow? and no help, emotionally or financially from your partner? Do you look forward to waking up every day full of anger and resentment and have to deal with his drinking issues?

Personally, for me, I have never ever stayed with someone due to fear of not finding someone else and I cannot understand the logic behind it.
I'm in a new relationship after being single for over 5 years, I would wholeheartedly rather live the rest of my life single then spend 2 minutes in a relationship with someone who isn't compatible with me.

Life is short and has enough ups and downs outside of your control, why deliberately carry on with something that is making you unhappy and consider bringing children into that unhappiness?

It's difficult enough to change ourselves never mind change someone else, move on, move on and be happy.

Conor Bourke

bitofabind wrote: »

Hi there everyone,

Would really love some advice and perhaps insight on a personal relationship issue.

I'm a woman, 32, and with my boyfriend 2 years. We moved in together about 6-7 months ago. I love him but there are some major incompatibilities that have really raised their head since we started living together. Frankly I'm not hopeful for our future together.

The issues are big ones - money, which we have a totally different approach to, and his drinking. I'm a saver and at my age my priorities are getting a mortgage and settling down, saving for a family which I'd hope to start in the next few years. He on the other hand whittles away his money on booze, fags and nights out and talks about future goals in an entirely abstract way "someday" blah blah blah. Has no savings and bringing up the issue leads to rows and is a complete nightmare. It's frankly not enough for me at this stage of my life and is drawing a major wedge between us.

His drinking to me is too much and kind of worrying. On his days off he'll often head to the pub and knock back ten pints or buy himself a bottle of gin/several bottles of wine and consume them all himself. Last night he went out with work colleagues "i'll be back around 10.30", came home about 3am and fell asleep on the living room floor.

I can't live this way. But I don't know what to do. We've recently moved in together, he's my first and only long-term relationship and I'm 32. Breaking up and being single again genuinely terrifies me, beyond the turbulence of having to move out etc etc. I can't be single again and it feels as if I'd be taking a major risk in terms of losing the ability to have a family and settle down in the years ahead. What if I never meet anyone again? Is it too late to start all over again?

My head is all over the place and I feel so alone in it all. any words of advice would really be appreciated :-(

A close friend of mine married a guy who sounds exactly as you described. She had one daughter with him and lived a very miserable existence until a couple of years ago at 49 years of age she decided enough was enough and left him. It's been difficult since, but despite the practical hardships she endured she's never been happier, and she even met a wonderful man about 18 months ago. They're moving in together in the next few weeks and everything.

It's never too late.

Teyla Emmagan

Do you really want to have children with an alcoholic? They certainly won't thank you for it. Neither will he, they will be eating all his drinking money. Leave now before you waste any more of your time. Easier to start and at 32 than 42.

SGSM

First off. 32 is not old. My two aunties have had their first children this year. One is 41, the other is 40. You have plenty of time. If you're not happy, I'd leave. Don't stay just because you're afraid ya won't find someone else. If ya are genuinely worried about not finding someone else then tip the scales in your favour. Work out, eat well, get into great shape and put yourself out there. You'll have no problem finding a man that you are crazy about. Just my two cents. Best of luck.

athtrasna

I started again at 34. Absolutely the right decision. Age is only a number but happiness is priceless, put yourself first

Lead

I started again at 35 and am in the happiest place ive ever been with someone. My Nana started again at 64 and got married for the second time at 66

m'lady

Ask yourself do you really want to bring a child into the world with this guy, because you will struggle- financially, emotionally and on a practical level. He will prioritise drink above the baby's and your needs. That's not a life for anyone, especially a child?

For what's it's worth, I started again at your age and I honestly couldn't be happier.

silverharp

yeah get out, not fair to bring kids into that

LegacyUser

Thanks guys. I know you're all right and I probably knew it deep-down too, it's just that bit harder to see the wood for the trees when your emotions are involved and it's your own life on the line.

I re-read my post and realised I probably misrepresented my boyfriend in the heat of m anger over last night. Spoke earlier and he told me he's paid all our bills and inquired about setting up a shared account for us - he's not all bad and to be honest has been far more proactive in our moving in together, sorting out practical stuff etc.

It's just the drinking and the pattern of him blowing money out the window the week after he's gotten paid and then being skint two weeks later. Dropping 20 - 30 quid on fags every day and out for pints with the lads or downing booze like no-one's business every chance he gets, while I'm lumping any disposable income i have into my savings and I'm also not much of a drinker so I can't understand it or relate to it.

I just alway assumed i'd have a partner that would want and work towards the same things as me, we'd contribute to a mortgage deposit together, we'd pay for a wedding together, I'd have the same financial support that my mother had etc. OH comes from a different family where they always had money problems and he seems completely clueless and in turn defensive about his lack of know-how when it comes to financial goals. when i try to bring it up I get "but you make way more money than me" - which is totally missing the point. Even when I was on half the salary, I still put away a few hundred quid a month because that's always been the priority. Is this something that a person can ever change on?

I just feel "old" in terms of being back on the single market, even as a 25 year old I found it hard to meet someone decent - I'm not big on the bar scene, most of my friends are coupled up and anyone I meet in "real life" is taken at this point. Funnily enough I'm not short of male attention, I'm not exactly an ogre, but being checked out when you're out and about is completely useless when it comes to actually meeting someone you're compatible with however flattering it is.

The idea of online dating again feels me with absolute horror :-/

santana75

bitofabind wrote: »

Breaking up and being single again genuinely terrifies me, beyond the turbulence of having to move out etc etc. I can't be single again and it feels as if I'd be taking a major risk in terms of losing the ability to have a family and settle down in the years ahead. What if I never meet anyone again? Is it too late to start all over again?

Of course you can be single again!!! It sounds like you're just terrified of being alone. You have to face that fear. You can either settle for what you have and hope that by some miracle of God that this Guy changes(which he wont) or you can face your fear and end the relationship even though you have no idea whats gonna happen next. Thats life, thats the adventure of life. Dont settle. I;ve seen this happen and its a guarantee of misery in the future. Take the chance and see what happens. You'll be fine and it'll in all likelihood be the making of you.

Dixie Chick

Oh god yeah, you can start over at 32!! Years can fly by you when you are dithering what to do even when your gut has told you it is not right.

He might grow out of it and he may not but trying to talk and it creating a fight is just a big warning sign

SarahMollie

OP - I'm really sorry you're in this position. Ending a relationship can be hard and whilst I understand that the prospect of starting over at 32 can seem daunting, the reality of your day to day life with this man should be ringing all sorts of alarm bells.

tomwaits48

get rid now while you have the chance.

retro:electro

Op my sister was in the same position as you, but she had been with him for 8 years. She felt she had wasted the best years of her life on a waster who was never going to cop on, and she too tossed around with the idea of staying with him for the sake of a family, or leaving and taking that risk that you might never have kids. She was 33 when it all ended and took a small break for herself, before getting right back out there and enjoying every minute of it. She's now 38 and pregnant with her second child and is married to the biggest gentleman you could ever meet.

I'm a firm believer in your gut speaking to you, as daft as that sounds. So many times in my life I've gone with my gut and I've looked back and thanked my lucky stars. I believe you are here posting this today for a reason, listen to your gut!

gargargar

Have you spoken about his drinking to him? He may still think he is in his 20s (the fact that he talks about the future in an abstract way).

If you talk about the health effects of that level of boozing he might make changes? Would you love him if he could change?

cbyrd

I started over at 39, with 4 kids. Yes, you can start again. It depends completely on you and what you want.

Big Bag of Chips

I married a man who was a much bigger drinker than I was. It caused lots of problems in our marriage.

My friend married his brother. In his case what started out as just drink eventually turned into cocaine and gambling too. They are now separating. For years she excused his binges. "He's young".. this was even into his 30s. He'd settle down when they had kids, when they got married, when the kids got older, when the kids started to notice etc. Nothing ever changed. They were always broke.

Please don't base a relationship on the potential you think it might have. Base it on what you have now. What you deal with on a daily basis. Children seem to make money evaporate! So between children and a heavy drinker your savings won't last long.

Don't make excuses for him. He's not a single man now, but he's behaving like he is. If you have children he will continue to behave like that. If you're afraid of running out of time, then you need to think how much more time you are willing to allow him to make real changes to turn things around.

If you asked him to not drink for 1 month what do you think his response would be. If he has no money for 2 weeks of the month, where does he get money from? Has he loans? Does he owe friends? Does he owe money you don't know about? These are all things you need to think about before you decide to settle into this life.

Addle

I was a couple of years older than you OP.
It's all worked out for the best, for both me and my ex.
I thought it was him, but it was us.
His behaviour changed when he met his wife.
Don't waste anymore time.

LincolnHawk

Get rid OP. It'll be like taking off a heavy coat in summer

beertons

Does he want to grow up, marry you and have kids?

Tell me how

OP, I am a male, 38 years old. I am single and I do think a lot about what it would be like to be in a relationship.
One thing I am certain of in this respect is that I would sooner remain single in the hope of having a truly fulfilling relationship one day, than to accept something which was more bad than good just so that I could feel like I had a partner.

At 34, my friend walked out of the house she shared with her boyfriend at 11:00 one night because at that moment she realised he was not right for her. She didn't want to wait even 8 hours before she started to move towards the life she wanted and deserved. It wasn't easy but it was so much more rewarding because it was what was going to give her the best chance at happiness (which is never guaranteed). She is now married and has a child and when I see the 3 of them together I think 1 day of that is worth more than a year of sadness or disappointment in a relationship.

I'm not saying leave immediately because everything is more nuanced than that but be true to what you want and what is acceptable behaviour in a partner.



P.S. This is why EVERYONE should live with their partner before they get married. Not to mind a marriage preparation weekend, cohabitation should be mandatory for 6 months before any wedding in my view.

Airyfairy12

This relationship is inevitably going to end, youre just prolonging it and making yourself miserable in the mean time. This guy is wasting your time and he'll will ruin your life if you allow him too. The sooner you leave him the sooner you'll be able to move on and find someone youre compatible with.

Why have you waited until age 30 to have a serious relationship? This might have left you very inexperienced with romantic relationships. Theyre not just about having kids and getting married, you have to actually like the person youre planning to spend your life with. Are you cooking his dinners, cleaning the house and washing his clothes while he drinks all his money? youre not his mother, you have to move on.

Dial Hard

bitofabind wrote:

I re-read my post and realised I probably misrepresented my boyfriend in the heat of m anger over last night. Spoke earlier and he told me he's paid all our bills and inquired about setting up a shared account for us - he's not all bad and to be honest has been far more proactive in our moving in together, sorting out practical stuff etc.

I think that because this is your first relationship you're prepared to overlook behaviours that would be absolute deal-breakers for you if you had more experience.

Don't let gratitude for the fact that you're finally in a relationship blind you to the fact that this guy is trouble with a capital T. I know that probably sounds harsh but I've seen it before in people who came to their first serious relationship when they're a bit older.

tara73

bitofabind wrote: »

Thanks guys. I know you're all right and I probably knew it deep-down too, it's just that bit harder to see the wood for the trees when your emotions are involved and it's your own life on the line.

I re-read my post and realised I probably misrepresented my boyfriend in the heat of m anger over last night. Spoke earlier and he told me he's paid all our bills and inquired about setting up a shared account for us - he's not all bad and to be honest has been far more proactive in our moving in together, sorting out practical stuff etc.

It's just the drinking and the pattern of him blowing money out the window the week after he's gotten paid and then being skint two weeks later. Dropping 20 - 30 quid on fags every day /

sorry OP, but you are being very naive here. DON'T set up a shared account with him. it has nothing to do with him being proactive with you two together, it has something to do with being proactive just for himself.
what does a shared account mean? he has free access whenever he wants to spend your money on booze and fags!!

and seriously, 20-30 quid on fags a day, means he smokes 2-3 packets a day or is he doing marihuana too?

please get rid of this waster, you say it's a horror to face dating again, please think ahead and see him for what he is:some drug addict who will make your life and the life of the innocent kid hell too.

kylith

Look at it this way OP; would you rather start over at 32 or at 42?

Ursus Horribilis

bitofabind wrote: »

I can't live this way. But I don't know what to do. We've recently moved in together, he's my first and only long-term relationship and I'm 32. Breaking up and being single again genuinely terrifies me, beyond the turbulence of having to move out etc etc. I can't be single again and it feels as if I'd be taking a major risk in terms of losing the ability to have a family and settle down in the years ahead. What if I never meet anyone again? Is it too late to start all over again?

They say if you want to know someone, come live with them. You've been given a very clear picture of what lies in store for you if you stay in this relationship. You're only move in together a few short months and already the wheels have come off the wagon in a spectacular fashion. It's not going to improve. He has told you what he is.

Now there is no guarantee you will meet someone else if you split up with this man. But, if you continue in this bad relationship, you are eliminating all possibility of meeting someone else. What's worrying are your words here. "I can't be single again". Why? Is it really better to be alone than to share your life with an unreliable, drunken spendthrift? You now know what he's like and you're not happy with it. This isn't what you signed up for when you moved in with him.

Smile111

Leave him.You are young.
You will be much happier on your own☺

Wesser

"Why have you waited until age 30 to have a serious relationship? This might have left you very inexperienced with romantic relationships."


Sometimes in life things don't just happen exactly as per a schedule airyfairy12!!!!!!!
Sometimes they happen later in life and that is not something you should be reprimanding the op over!

Ursus Horribilis

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

.

Why have you waited until age 30 to have a serious relationship? This might have left you very inexperienced with romantic relationships.

Lucky you if you had no trouble forming serious relationships at a younger age. Some people don't find it so easy and will never be beating off admirers with a stick. I believe this is at the heart of the OP's problem. She didn't meet this guy until she was 30 and she's understandably worried that she won't meet someone else. There are no guarantees in life but I hope she takes heart from knowing that she did meet someone. It's not the person she should stay with but I hope it'll give her new found confidence moving forward.

Airyfairy12

Wesser wrote: »

"Why have you waited until age 30 to have a serious relationship? This might have left you very inexperienced with romantic relationships."


Sometimes in life things don't just happen exactly as per a schedule airyfairy12!!!!!!!
Sometimes they happen later in life and that is not something you should be reprimanding the op over!

I'm aware of that Wesser. Point is though OP is now experiencing the **** storm relationships most people weed out in their 20's. If she stays with him it could be potential trouble down the line as they rarely change. If I came home to my partner pissed drunk on the floor id be less inclined to stick around as from experience alcoholic men are not worth the hassle. OP is only learning this at 30, she's inexperienced with relationships which will cause her problems. Maybe she could work through that before settling down with someone who could easily be the cause of her looking back and regretting her life.

I wasn't reprimanding her I was genuinely asking. People dont settle down for a lot of reasons.

bitofabind

I just never met someone who I fell into a long-term relationship with. I was never short of dates, male attention, flings and all the rest, but for whatever reason nothing substantial or long-lasting came my way. I lived in a lot of different countries during my 20s so that might explain it too. I met my boyfriend at work, it all happened a bit more naturally and easily than my dating life had been to that point.

I had a talk with him about his drinking last night and he admitted it's a bit of a problem, said he was going to take a month off booze. I'm not too hopeful tbh, he says the same about cigarettes all the time but if anything has been smoking more since we've been living together.
We're going to his brother's birthday celebrations tomorrow so I guess that will be the litmus test.

i've decided I'm going to sit him down and have a proper chat about our future together. He says things like "im going to marry you one day" but it's so entirely abstract and with no real-life actions to back it up and I'm going to spell out to him that I see my life going a certain way and if he's happy to stand still, then he'll be doing it alone.

His own family background probably plays into all of this. As I mentioned, bad with money, he moved around a lot as a kid and lived in crappy bedsits, parents are renting a small flat and don't have a penny between them etc etc. My family background is the opposite, parents were successful and had a big house and all the trappings of a middle class family.

Maybe my lack of experience is my achilles heal. I know in my gut that there are so many red flags. What's difficult is that I love him, my family loves him (they don't know the reality I've discussed on this thread), I know he'd do anything for me and he's loyal to the ends of the earth. I know he has a good heart, I just don't know if he's got his sh1t together in the way that I need a partner to. I've never been loved by a man in the way he loves me and it's hard to think about going back to the perpetually-single life that I had before I met him.

Hello op,

What age is your boyfriend?

people here are just giving their opinions purely based on what you have written. Nobody here truly knows your partner, so i wouldnt take everyone's advice as gospel, in fact some of it sounds very harsh.

Nobody's perfect, some people are very sensible with money and future plans , some people aren't. I'm probably a bit in between. From my own experience, it's possible that he has nothing but good intentions, but is just struggling to draw a line and move on into the future. You have given your age but I don't believe you have given his. This may or may not make a difference.

its possible he is trying to let off steam before the **** really hits the fan (kids/mortgage), some people prepare in advance, some people make the change when there's no other choice. If everyone waited for people who were finacially sound/clever, the world would be very empty

I understand you are a saver. Although I am good with money, I also like to have fun too, which means spending money ,It's possible that he shares the same dreams and aspirations as you, but is just finding it difficult to pull the trigger

Do you really love him? I mean, apart from the faults you have mentioned(which may be a phase he moves on from)?

I'm probably gonna get crucified for this

DrunkenSailor

I don't get the fear of being single. It's no big deal. I am 39 and single big deal. Far worse things in life than being single and I reckon being in a relationship with someone who is the polar opposite of you and who drinks to that level is one of them.

Ursus Horribilis

Others have said on this forum that you shouldn't date someone based on their potential. Perhaps the way your boyfriend is behaving now is what he is. By all means talk to him and give him a chance. But if he reverts back to where he was, then you really should walk. At the moment, all that'll happen if you split from him is that you go back to that single life you so dread. Leaving if you've got a mortgage and kids is a completely different kettle of fish. If you want to have children, then you don't have that much time to faff around in a relationship that's in trouble.

I'm well aware that men don't always mature as quickly as women but I assume he's in his thirties now. I don't think at this stage of life that he's blowing off steam. Sadly it looks like he has picked up his parent's ways, along with him puffing away on the fags like a chimney. He definitely has a drink problem and if he isn't an alcoholic, looks like he's heading that way. He doesn't sound very reliable either. Seeing as you'd be hoping to have children within the next few years, could you rely on him to be a good dad? You don't need me to tell you that buying a house and having children don't do your bank balance any good. If he has made it to 32 without any saving, then he's probably not going to change his ways. It's time to stop making excuses for him and look out for yourself.

ShaShaBear

You say he's loyal, and would do anything for you? But he drinks himself into regular stupors, smokes 2-3 packets of cigarettes a day and now all of a sudden wants to share a bank account with you? Sorry love, but that is not a step forward, that's him reaching into your pockets. The "abstract" suggestions of future commitment are worms on a fishing hook. There to bait you, hook you and reel you in. And it's working. You went from essentially proving that you need to dump him to completely defending him over the course of a few posts. You pointed out you had a problem with his drinking and he said he'd give it up for a month. What's he doing after that? Going back to the way things were before? Back on the sesh? Or is he just giving you tidbits of hope that he'll change?

Best advice is to leave. If he really, truly loves you, it'll be his wakeup call. 32 is a fine age to start over. My husband and I dated, were married and had 2 kids in the space of 4 years, which would leave you at 36. Not unreasonable by any stretch. But how many years are you going to give him before you realise he's got no intention of changing for you?

DrunkenSailor

Again I really don't get the fear of being single. Where is this fear coming from. Surely it is far worse to be in a bad relationship than being free to do what you like and when you like etc.

I often think if you are not happy with yourself alone then you are not the right person going into a relationship. A relationship should be greater than the sum of its two parts.

liamtech

It really does sound like your boyfriend has a drink problem - I.E. probably an alcoholic or at the very least moving towards becoming one - the trouble is i have found, in ireland, many people have drink problems and in all honesty dont realize it until its too late

I once went with the crowd and drank as much as anyone - then i stopped, thankfully - however when i reduced it to a level im comfortable with - for me thats an absolute maximum of 4-5 pints i noticed a definite negative reaction in people - sometimes labeled a 'dry $%^&' - i mean 4-5 pints is PLENTY in my book - normally 2-3 is average

Anyway i digress - i would recommend sitting your boyfriend down and having a frank discussion - He has a problem in my opinion - HE needs to accept that and deal with it - no one can 'fix' him - only he can - im not suggesting you tell him to go to AA or anything - but you need to make him face up to the fact he drinks to much - i really feel i should say thats an opinion but from what you say OP, its a fact

Secondly, you need to be firm and say that his behavior, drinking, and flippant approach to money is disgraceful, and FIRMLY tell him that you are not willing to continue like this

Your approach needs to be firm - sounds like he likes to win arguments so i would appraoch the above in the form of STATEMENTS - its not a discussion, you are telling him the reality of what he is doing, and how it makes you feel - and more importantly YOU will not stand for it anymore

Finally - im 34 - single - while im not having a great deal of success in finding love at the moment - i genuinely dont think im past it! Heck people are waiting until their 40s to start a family now - so in truth, if the above situation fails and he continues un changed at all - my advice is to finish it - have a group of friends come round with cars - grab your stuff - and bail out as quickly and efficiently as possible - stay with a friend if thats possible? and trust that you did the right thing

SimpleDimples

"I can't be single again".

This is why most people end up in horrible, toxic relationships. The mind boggles....who cares if you are single in your 30s? I am. Yes some people judge but those sort of people's opinions mean nothing to me be anyway.

If I had the same attitude as you I'd be married to a chronic gambler at the moment!!

gline

As your only living together about 6 months, that should be seen as a trial period... and the trial isnt working out well, no harm in moving on if it isnt working. In his 30's (an adult) he shouldnt need his other half telling him he drinks/smokes and wastes money and this is negatively affecting his partner. He should know this already and he's already heard it from you before.

As mentioned by others, who cares if you will be alone if you leave him. You need to learn to like your own company, then finding someone will be easier, dont rush it. Also dont 'settle' for what you have out of fear, always look for whats best for you. Far better to be alone than cornered in a terrible relationship, with children picking up these bad habits.

zoobizoo

It's not as easy as taking a month off.

It's a decision that "I'm not a drinker any more. I'm not a smoker. I'm looking after my physical and mental health and care more about my relationship than about a night out getting drunk. Seeing as I can't have a couple of drinks without getting wasted, I will give up altogether "

It's about compatibility and respect.

I could never go out with a big drinker or a smoker as it's just not compatible with my outlook and the type of person I want to be with.

I'd also respect my partner to not behave in ways that would really upset her.

Do you think that your man would give up his vices for you? Or even for himself?

Snoopy1

Op I think you need to grow up a bit. Your 32,which is young, and you know he wont change. Im starting again at 38,and while I dont like it, ive realised that im not going to put up with bad behavior from men anymore.
Im single a year, and before that I was with someone for 5 years. Ive just brought a house, which I think is a great accomplishment on my own.
Yoy say you get a lot of attention from men, and there really is nothing wrong with online dating. Your insulting every older person than you who is single and who goes online.

DrunkenSailor

Snoopy1 wrote: »

Op I think you need to grow up a bit. Your 32,which is young, and you know he wont change. Im starting again at 38,and while I dont like it, ive realised that im not going to put up with bad behavior from men anymore.
Im single a year, and before that I was with someone for 5 years. Ive just brought a house, which I think is a great accomplishment on my own.
Yoy say you get a lot of attention from men, and there really is nothing wrong with online dating. Your insulting every older person than you who is single and who goes online.

Come on she is not insulting anyone. She is talking about her own situation and her own feelings. It's about her own perception of herself being single at 32 not how she perceives others. If you are feeling offended again grow a thicker skin.

sbsquarepants

I've been a very similar position to you OP.

I was 30 bought an apartment together and moved in, 6 months later she was gone in very acrimonious circumstances, leaving me to pay for it. Seemed like the end of the world at the time, but you get over everything and looking back now it's more fear of the unknown than anything else. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger and all that!

I'm 42 now, have a new woman (well she's been hanging around like a bad smell for a decade:)), new house, 3 new mental kids - life is sweet.

32 is not old, you're practically a baby! Should the worst case scenario arise, just try look on it as a temporary speed bump, I can guarantee you that's all it will turn out to be in hindsight.

Hindsight is great, I wish I'd bought some of that in my twenties!:D

s15r330

I read this thread on my phone when I woke up this morning and I said i'd wait til I got near the desktop in work before replying.

Op, get out of there, quick.
Don't wait, don't think about it, don't look for excuses to stay, just go.
He is a waste of space, drinks a bottle of gin and several bottles of wine and passes out on the living room floor, yeh just what you want kids to see coming down for breakfast in the morning.

I can't believe it actually has to be pointed out to you, but I know things can be cloudy when you're in the middle of them.

This is not a person to share a life with. So many good lads out there and you are attached to this yoke!

You are putting yourself in for a life of misery, and also thinking of bringing kids into the mix, you'd be doing them no favours.

32 is in no way old.
being a male is slightly different but I met my now fianc? just over 2 years ago, best thing that ever happened to me. I am 34 now, so 32 when I met her and I couldn't be happier, if you believe that stuff about people being made for each other then we are a perfect example of that. Obviously we have the odd row but i'm so happy I went through all the crap with the eejits I was with before now as it led me to her so i'd change nothing.

The same thing is out there waiting for you.

Don't sit back and settle.
You're young, you're not stuck and most of all you deserve better.

Just sit down and imagine the next 40 years with someone like this.

Arguments, money troubles, kids being influenced by an alcoholic, thousands a year being wasted on drink and cigarettes, probably not being able to get the things you want like a really nice house, nice holidays, a nice life for you and your future children. Bringing kids into that life and possibly having them turn out the same.

That should be all the motivation you need to leave.

Bambi985

I'd be giving an ultimatum to be honest. "Quit booze, have X amount saved by X date or I'm out of here". It's not as if you're asking anything unreasonable - financial security and togetherness in terms of life goals and not binge drinking like some sort of college student are a pre-requisite to most relationships. Make him aware that he's at real risk of losing you if he doesn't get his act together.

I'd also be curious about what age he is - if he's younger then maybe he's not quite at that "saving for the future" stage where you are, where the marriage and babies thing are not things he sees as happening within the next 5 years kinda thing. I'd agree that more likely this is just who he is - but I also know plenty of late 20s fellas who don't cop on until they hit their 30s and have to suddenly think like adults about where their lives are going.

32 isn't ancient by any means, plenty of time to meet someone new and have kids, but the likelihood is it could take a year to get over this chap and back on the market, another few years to meet someone decent and another few years to make the solid plans - a process you should expediate so you're not suddenly 40 and filled with regret for wasting your valuable years in a bad relationship with the wrong person.

s15r330

Bambi985 wrote: »

I'd be giving an ultimatum to be honest. "Quit booze, have X amount saved by X date or I'm out of here". It's not as if you're asking anything unreasonable - financial security and togetherness in terms of life goals and not binge drinking like some sort of college student are a pre-requisite to most relationships. Make him aware that he's at real risk of losing you if he doesn't get his act together.

I'd also be curious about what age he is - if he's younger then maybe he's not quite at that "saving for the future" stage where you are, where the marriage and babies thing are not things he sees as happening within the next 5 years kinda thing. I'd agree that more likely this is just who he is - but I also know plenty of late 20s fellas who don't cop on until they hit their 30s and have to suddenly think like adults about where their lives are going.

32 isn't ancient by any means, plenty of time to meet someone new and have kids, but the likelihood is it could take a year to get over this chap and back on the market, another few years to meet someone decent and another few years to make the solid plans - a process you should expediate so you're not suddenly 40 and filled with regret for wasting your valuable years in a bad relationship with the wrong person.

Couldn't disagree more, the only ultimatum thatfella wants is "get out before I kick ya out".

Bambi985

s15r330 wrote: »

Couldn't disagree more, the only ultimatum thatfella wants is "get out before I kick ya out".

OK. Standard boards PI advice I suppse, "break up and move on". Realistically the OP is not going to do that just like that, if it was that clear-cut to her she would've done it long ago instead of creating a thread about it here.

So based on the fact that she loves the guy and evidently wants to give him a chance, I'd advise to spell it all out for him and set a deadline to see if he can prove himself worthy of sticking around. I wouldn't be as hopeful as some that the relationship will progress and give her happiness, but people get and stay in miserable relationships all day every day, it's better than her ambling along adjusting to the status quo and feeling like she can do nothing to change her situation.

just my few cents anyway

LegacyUser

I know at 32 you think your to old to meet someone else but the reality is your not.

He is not going to change. He is just tell you what you want to hear so he can keep things going along the way they are at the moment. You have moved in together so your paying half the rent and bills. Your have savings and your trying to save more money so you can get married/have a house/have children.

What is he doing? He has no savings. He is buying 2 to 3 packets of fags a day - thats €20 to €30 a day. He is spending at least €140 a week on fags not to mention what he spends a week on drink.
The days he is not working he is either buying 10 pints of beer or a bottle of gin/several bottles of wine and knocking it back. He tells you I will be back at 10.30 arrives home hours later and sleep of the floor as he is to drunk to get to bed.

How can function the next day? How is he keeping his job going into work that hungover?

Another thing that stands out from your post is that he wants to share a bank account with you.
The reason he wants this is so as well as spending his own money on drink and fags he now wants access to your money for the same. My feeling is that he could owe friends/family members money and he can no longer go to them for a loan for the last 2 weeks of every month. People get wise to lending money and not getting it back from certain individuals. I would also not be supprised if he was in debit either.

I know this is your first serious realationship and you want to have kids in the next few years. You have been living with this man for 6 months and you have seen just what a drink problem he has along with what he spends a week on drink and fags.

You know he is no good with money or has no savings. Why would stay with him after seeing the above?

At least your not married to him or have a baby with him yet. My advice to you is to walk no sorry run away from this situation. Even telling him to give up the drink and have x amount saved by y time is just prolonging a situation that is going no where long term.
If you want marriage and children you need to meet someone who wants the same and has the savings required for this.

Your better off on you own than being in a bad realtionship that is going no where.

bitofabind

Hi everyone. Bit of a life update, it took a few months since I created this thread but we broke up at the weekend. I've had family over staying with me for a few days, we had a long boozy day and to put it in a nutshell, he really let himself down at the end of the night by getting really aggressive and kicking off and stormed out of the house and hasn't been back since. The few snippets of contact we've had since have been about how the relationship is dead in the water and that's it really.

so Im sitting here in our apartment alone as he's gone to stay with a friends and I essentially am back at square one. Which I'll be fine about in time once I've readjusted, but for now I feel sad and lost and so hopeless about it all. Despite everything I love the guy, we've had some great times and there's a part of me that doesn't want to be without him, warts and all. Our lives were so intertwined and we have so many plans that are just falling away as things come to an end.

It hurts, it really hurts and I'm breaking down pretty regularly, took the day off work because I couldn't fathom getting out of bed, the empty bed that we once shared. So much ahead of me in terms of finding somewhere new, packing up, re-organising, getting out, but I'll deal with it when I have to I suppose.

Thanks to everyone for posting advice and personal experiences, it's been some comfort to me to read through today and to know that the writing really was on the wall with this one. Sometimes love really is not enough and that's been a very harsh but valuable lesson to learn.