Can I start again at 32?

Airyfairy12

Wesser wrote: »

"Why have you waited until age 30 to have a serious relationship? This might have left you very inexperienced with romantic relationships."


Sometimes in life things don't just happen exactly as per a schedule airyfairy12!!!!!!!
Sometimes they happen later in life and that is not something you should be reprimanding the op over!

I'm aware of that Wesser. Point is though OP is now experiencing the **** storm relationships most people weed out in their 20's. If she stays with him it could be potential trouble down the line as they rarely change. If I came home to my partner pissed drunk on the floor id be less inclined to stick around as from experience alcoholic men are not worth the hassle. OP is only learning this at 30, she's inexperienced with relationships which will cause her problems. Maybe she could work through that before settling down with someone who could easily be the cause of her looking back and regretting her life.

I wasn't reprimanding her I was genuinely asking. People dont settle down for a lot of reasons.

bitofabind

I just never met someone who I fell into a long-term relationship with. I was never short of dates, male attention, flings and all the rest, but for whatever reason nothing substantial or long-lasting came my way. I lived in a lot of different countries during my 20s so that might explain it too. I met my boyfriend at work, it all happened a bit more naturally and easily than my dating life had been to that point.

I had a talk with him about his drinking last night and he admitted it's a bit of a problem, said he was going to take a month off booze. I'm not too hopeful tbh, he says the same about cigarettes all the time but if anything has been smoking more since we've been living together.
We're going to his brother's birthday celebrations tomorrow so I guess that will be the litmus test.

i've decided I'm going to sit him down and have a proper chat about our future together. He says things like "im going to marry you one day" but it's so entirely abstract and with no real-life actions to back it up and I'm going to spell out to him that I see my life going a certain way and if he's happy to stand still, then he'll be doing it alone.

His own family background probably plays into all of this. As I mentioned, bad with money, he moved around a lot as a kid and lived in crappy bedsits, parents are renting a small flat and don't have a penny between them etc etc. My family background is the opposite, parents were successful and had a big house and all the trappings of a middle class family.

Maybe my lack of experience is my achilles heal. I know in my gut that there are so many red flags. What's difficult is that I love him, my family loves him (they don't know the reality I've discussed on this thread), I know he'd do anything for me and he's loyal to the ends of the earth. I know he has a good heart, I just don't know if he's got his sh1t together in the way that I need a partner to. I've never been loved by a man in the way he loves me and it's hard to think about going back to the perpetually-single life that I had before I met him.

Hello op,

What age is your boyfriend?

people here are just giving their opinions purely based on what you have written. Nobody here truly knows your partner, so i wouldnt take everyone's advice as gospel, in fact some of it sounds very harsh.

Nobody's perfect, some people are very sensible with money and future plans , some people aren't. I'm probably a bit in between. From my own experience, it's possible that he has nothing but good intentions, but is just struggling to draw a line and move on into the future. You have given your age but I don't believe you have given his. This may or may not make a difference.

its possible he is trying to let off steam before the **** really hits the fan (kids/mortgage), some people prepare in advance, some people make the change when there's no other choice. If everyone waited for people who were finacially sound/clever, the world would be very empty

I understand you are a saver. Although I am good with money, I also like to have fun too, which means spending money ,It's possible that he shares the same dreams and aspirations as you, but is just finding it difficult to pull the trigger

Do you really love him? I mean, apart from the faults you have mentioned(which may be a phase he moves on from)?

I'm probably gonna get crucified for this

DrunkenSailor

I don't get the fear of being single. It's no big deal. I am 39 and single big deal. Far worse things in life than being single and I reckon being in a relationship with someone who is the polar opposite of you and who drinks to that level is one of them.

Ursus Horribilis

Others have said on this forum that you shouldn't date someone based on their potential. Perhaps the way your boyfriend is behaving now is what he is. By all means talk to him and give him a chance. But if he reverts back to where he was, then you really should walk. At the moment, all that'll happen if you split from him is that you go back to that single life you so dread. Leaving if you've got a mortgage and kids is a completely different kettle of fish. If you want to have children, then you don't have that much time to faff around in a relationship that's in trouble.

I'm well aware that men don't always mature as quickly as women but I assume he's in his thirties now. I don't think at this stage of life that he's blowing off steam. Sadly it looks like he has picked up his parent's ways, along with him puffing away on the fags like a chimney. He definitely has a drink problem and if he isn't an alcoholic, looks like he's heading that way. He doesn't sound very reliable either. Seeing as you'd be hoping to have children within the next few years, could you rely on him to be a good dad? You don't need me to tell you that buying a house and having children don't do your bank balance any good. If he has made it to 32 without any saving, then he's probably not going to change his ways. It's time to stop making excuses for him and look out for yourself.

ShaShaBear

You say he's loyal, and would do anything for you? But he drinks himself into regular stupors, smokes 2-3 packets of cigarettes a day and now all of a sudden wants to share a bank account with you? Sorry love, but that is not a step forward, that's him reaching into your pockets. The "abstract" suggestions of future commitment are worms on a fishing hook. There to bait you, hook you and reel you in. And it's working. You went from essentially proving that you need to dump him to completely defending him over the course of a few posts. You pointed out you had a problem with his drinking and he said he'd give it up for a month. What's he doing after that? Going back to the way things were before? Back on the sesh? Or is he just giving you tidbits of hope that he'll change?

Best advice is to leave. If he really, truly loves you, it'll be his wakeup call. 32 is a fine age to start over. My husband and I dated, were married and had 2 kids in the space of 4 years, which would leave you at 36. Not unreasonable by any stretch. But how many years are you going to give him before you realise he's got no intention of changing for you?

DrunkenSailor

Again I really don't get the fear of being single. Where is this fear coming from. Surely it is far worse to be in a bad relationship than being free to do what you like and when you like etc.

I often think if you are not happy with yourself alone then you are not the right person going into a relationship. A relationship should be greater than the sum of its two parts.

liamtech

It really does sound like your boyfriend has a drink problem - I.E. probably an alcoholic or at the very least moving towards becoming one - the trouble is i have found, in ireland, many people have drink problems and in all honesty dont realize it until its too late

I once went with the crowd and drank as much as anyone - then i stopped, thankfully - however when i reduced it to a level im comfortable with - for me thats an absolute maximum of 4-5 pints i noticed a definite negative reaction in people - sometimes labeled a 'dry $%^&' - i mean 4-5 pints is PLENTY in my book - normally 2-3 is average

Anyway i digress - i would recommend sitting your boyfriend down and having a frank discussion - He has a problem in my opinion - HE needs to accept that and deal with it - no one can 'fix' him - only he can - im not suggesting you tell him to go to AA or anything - but you need to make him face up to the fact he drinks to much - i really feel i should say thats an opinion but from what you say OP, its a fact

Secondly, you need to be firm and say that his behavior, drinking, and flippant approach to money is disgraceful, and FIRMLY tell him that you are not willing to continue like this

Your approach needs to be firm - sounds like he likes to win arguments so i would appraoch the above in the form of STATEMENTS - its not a discussion, you are telling him the reality of what he is doing, and how it makes you feel - and more importantly YOU will not stand for it anymore

Finally - im 34 - single - while im not having a great deal of success in finding love at the moment - i genuinely dont think im past it! Heck people are waiting until their 40s to start a family now - so in truth, if the above situation fails and he continues un changed at all - my advice is to finish it - have a group of friends come round with cars - grab your stuff - and bail out as quickly and efficiently as possible - stay with a friend if thats possible? and trust that you did the right thing

SimpleDimples

"I can't be single again".

This is why most people end up in horrible, toxic relationships. The mind boggles....who cares if you are single in your 30s? I am. Yes some people judge but those sort of people's opinions mean nothing to me be anyway.

If I had the same attitude as you I'd be married to a chronic gambler at the moment!!

gline

As your only living together about 6 months, that should be seen as a trial period... and the trial isnt working out well, no harm in moving on if it isnt working. In his 30's (an adult) he shouldnt need his other half telling him he drinks/smokes and wastes money and this is negatively affecting his partner. He should know this already and he's already heard it from you before.

As mentioned by others, who cares if you will be alone if you leave him. You need to learn to like your own company, then finding someone will be easier, dont rush it. Also dont 'settle' for what you have out of fear, always look for whats best for you. Far better to be alone than cornered in a terrible relationship, with children picking up these bad habits.

zoobizoo

It's not as easy as taking a month off.

It's a decision that "I'm not a drinker any more. I'm not a smoker. I'm looking after my physical and mental health and care more about my relationship than about a night out getting drunk. Seeing as I can't have a couple of drinks without getting wasted, I will give up altogether "

It's about compatibility and respect.

I could never go out with a big drinker or a smoker as it's just not compatible with my outlook and the type of person I want to be with.

I'd also respect my partner to not behave in ways that would really upset her.

Do you think that your man would give up his vices for you? Or even for himself?

Snoopy1

Op I think you need to grow up a bit. Your 32,which is young, and you know he wont change. Im starting again at 38,and while I dont like it, ive realised that im not going to put up with bad behavior from men anymore.
Im single a year, and before that I was with someone for 5 years. Ive just brought a house, which I think is a great accomplishment on my own.
Yoy say you get a lot of attention from men, and there really is nothing wrong with online dating. Your insulting every older person than you who is single and who goes online.

DrunkenSailor

Snoopy1 wrote: »

Op I think you need to grow up a bit. Your 32,which is young, and you know he wont change. Im starting again at 38,and while I dont like it, ive realised that im not going to put up with bad behavior from men anymore.
Im single a year, and before that I was with someone for 5 years. Ive just brought a house, which I think is a great accomplishment on my own.
Yoy say you get a lot of attention from men, and there really is nothing wrong with online dating. Your insulting every older person than you who is single and who goes online.

Come on she is not insulting anyone. She is talking about her own situation and her own feelings. It's about her own perception of herself being single at 32 not how she perceives others. If you are feeling offended again grow a thicker skin.

sbsquarepants

I've been a very similar position to you OP.

I was 30 bought an apartment together and moved in, 6 months later she was gone in very acrimonious circumstances, leaving me to pay for it. Seemed like the end of the world at the time, but you get over everything and looking back now it's more fear of the unknown than anything else. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger and all that!

I'm 42 now, have a new woman (well she's been hanging around like a bad smell for a decade:)), new house, 3 new mental kids - life is sweet.

32 is not old, you're practically a baby! Should the worst case scenario arise, just try look on it as a temporary speed bump, I can guarantee you that's all it will turn out to be in hindsight.

Hindsight is great, I wish I'd bought some of that in my twenties!:D

s15r330

I read this thread on my phone when I woke up this morning and I said i'd wait til I got near the desktop in work before replying.

Op, get out of there, quick.
Don't wait, don't think about it, don't look for excuses to stay, just go.
He is a waste of space, drinks a bottle of gin and several bottles of wine and passes out on the living room floor, yeh just what you want kids to see coming down for breakfast in the morning.

I can't believe it actually has to be pointed out to you, but I know things can be cloudy when you're in the middle of them.

This is not a person to share a life with. So many good lads out there and you are attached to this yoke!

You are putting yourself in for a life of misery, and also thinking of bringing kids into the mix, you'd be doing them no favours.

32 is in no way old.
being a male is slightly different but I met my now fianc? just over 2 years ago, best thing that ever happened to me. I am 34 now, so 32 when I met her and I couldn't be happier, if you believe that stuff about people being made for each other then we are a perfect example of that. Obviously we have the odd row but i'm so happy I went through all the crap with the eejits I was with before now as it led me to her so i'd change nothing.

The same thing is out there waiting for you.

Don't sit back and settle.
You're young, you're not stuck and most of all you deserve better.

Just sit down and imagine the next 40 years with someone like this.

Arguments, money troubles, kids being influenced by an alcoholic, thousands a year being wasted on drink and cigarettes, probably not being able to get the things you want like a really nice house, nice holidays, a nice life for you and your future children. Bringing kids into that life and possibly having them turn out the same.

That should be all the motivation you need to leave.

Bambi985

I'd be giving an ultimatum to be honest. "Quit booze, have X amount saved by X date or I'm out of here". It's not as if you're asking anything unreasonable - financial security and togetherness in terms of life goals and not binge drinking like some sort of college student are a pre-requisite to most relationships. Make him aware that he's at real risk of losing you if he doesn't get his act together.

I'd also be curious about what age he is - if he's younger then maybe he's not quite at that "saving for the future" stage where you are, where the marriage and babies thing are not things he sees as happening within the next 5 years kinda thing. I'd agree that more likely this is just who he is - but I also know plenty of late 20s fellas who don't cop on until they hit their 30s and have to suddenly think like adults about where their lives are going.

32 isn't ancient by any means, plenty of time to meet someone new and have kids, but the likelihood is it could take a year to get over this chap and back on the market, another few years to meet someone decent and another few years to make the solid plans - a process you should expediate so you're not suddenly 40 and filled with regret for wasting your valuable years in a bad relationship with the wrong person.

s15r330

Bambi985 wrote: »

I'd be giving an ultimatum to be honest. "Quit booze, have X amount saved by X date or I'm out of here". It's not as if you're asking anything unreasonable - financial security and togetherness in terms of life goals and not binge drinking like some sort of college student are a pre-requisite to most relationships. Make him aware that he's at real risk of losing you if he doesn't get his act together.

I'd also be curious about what age he is - if he's younger then maybe he's not quite at that "saving for the future" stage where you are, where the marriage and babies thing are not things he sees as happening within the next 5 years kinda thing. I'd agree that more likely this is just who he is - but I also know plenty of late 20s fellas who don't cop on until they hit their 30s and have to suddenly think like adults about where their lives are going.

32 isn't ancient by any means, plenty of time to meet someone new and have kids, but the likelihood is it could take a year to get over this chap and back on the market, another few years to meet someone decent and another few years to make the solid plans - a process you should expediate so you're not suddenly 40 and filled with regret for wasting your valuable years in a bad relationship with the wrong person.

Couldn't disagree more, the only ultimatum thatfella wants is "get out before I kick ya out".

Bambi985

s15r330 wrote: »

Couldn't disagree more, the only ultimatum thatfella wants is "get out before I kick ya out".

OK. Standard boards PI advice I suppse, "break up and move on". Realistically the OP is not going to do that just like that, if it was that clear-cut to her she would've done it long ago instead of creating a thread about it here.

So based on the fact that she loves the guy and evidently wants to give him a chance, I'd advise to spell it all out for him and set a deadline to see if he can prove himself worthy of sticking around. I wouldn't be as hopeful as some that the relationship will progress and give her happiness, but people get and stay in miserable relationships all day every day, it's better than her ambling along adjusting to the status quo and feeling like she can do nothing to change her situation.

just my few cents anyway

LegacyUser

I know at 32 you think your to old to meet someone else but the reality is your not.

He is not going to change. He is just tell you what you want to hear so he can keep things going along the way they are at the moment. You have moved in together so your paying half the rent and bills. Your have savings and your trying to save more money so you can get married/have a house/have children.

What is he doing? He has no savings. He is buying 2 to 3 packets of fags a day - thats €20 to €30 a day. He is spending at least €140 a week on fags not to mention what he spends a week on drink.
The days he is not working he is either buying 10 pints of beer or a bottle of gin/several bottles of wine and knocking it back. He tells you I will be back at 10.30 arrives home hours later and sleep of the floor as he is to drunk to get to bed.

How can function the next day? How is he keeping his job going into work that hungover?

Another thing that stands out from your post is that he wants to share a bank account with you.
The reason he wants this is so as well as spending his own money on drink and fags he now wants access to your money for the same. My feeling is that he could owe friends/family members money and he can no longer go to them for a loan for the last 2 weeks of every month. People get wise to lending money and not getting it back from certain individuals. I would also not be supprised if he was in debit either.

I know this is your first serious realationship and you want to have kids in the next few years. You have been living with this man for 6 months and you have seen just what a drink problem he has along with what he spends a week on drink and fags.

You know he is no good with money or has no savings. Why would stay with him after seeing the above?

At least your not married to him or have a baby with him yet. My advice to you is to walk no sorry run away from this situation. Even telling him to give up the drink and have x amount saved by y time is just prolonging a situation that is going no where long term.
If you want marriage and children you need to meet someone who wants the same and has the savings required for this.

Your better off on you own than being in a bad realtionship that is going no where.

bitofabind

Hi everyone. Bit of a life update, it took a few months since I created this thread but we broke up at the weekend. I've had family over staying with me for a few days, we had a long boozy day and to put it in a nutshell, he really let himself down at the end of the night by getting really aggressive and kicking off and stormed out of the house and hasn't been back since. The few snippets of contact we've had since have been about how the relationship is dead in the water and that's it really.

so Im sitting here in our apartment alone as he's gone to stay with a friends and I essentially am back at square one. Which I'll be fine about in time once I've readjusted, but for now I feel sad and lost and so hopeless about it all. Despite everything I love the guy, we've had some great times and there's a part of me that doesn't want to be without him, warts and all. Our lives were so intertwined and we have so many plans that are just falling away as things come to an end.

It hurts, it really hurts and I'm breaking down pretty regularly, took the day off work because I couldn't fathom getting out of bed, the empty bed that we once shared. So much ahead of me in terms of finding somewhere new, packing up, re-organising, getting out, but I'll deal with it when I have to I suppose.

Thanks to everyone for posting advice and personal experiences, it's been some comfort to me to read through today and to know that the writing really was on the wall with this one. Sometimes love really is not enough and that's been a very harsh but valuable lesson to learn.

Ghekko

All I can say is thank God I got to the end of this thread and read your update! You are free of a man who will not change and would ruin your life with drink. Please don't be tempted to take him back even if he comes crawling. You are young! You have time to meet someone who will respect you and more importantly respect themselves. Yes it's hard when you break up but you are worth more than just settling for this guy. You deserve a lot better. Take time to sort your living arrangements out and let him pack up his stuff when you're not there.

Ursus Horribilis

Thank you for coming back with an update. Nobody's obliged to update us but it's nice when they do

If you can stay free of him, you will look back on this and realise what a lucky escape you had. It's obvious from what you wrote on this thread that you had no intention of splitting from him. Even now, I get the impression you'd still take him back if he said the right things. So be careful for the next while and look after yourself. Keep busy, spend time with your family and friends and stay away from the drink.

bitofabind

Thanks guys. And you're right Ursus, my head is all over the place at the minute but the abiding feeling i've got is one of missing him, aching with the pain of that. The silence is killing me, silence in the house and silence on my phone.

Everything is reminding me of him, ordinary household stuff, chores, foods, Netflix. i've got all the evidence I need to know that he's not right for me, especially after this weekend and his interpretation that his behaviour was somehow warranted or somehow MY fault. He behaved like an absolute scumbag and i'm mortified that my family had to see it and see me in tears afterwards.

But my heart hasn't caught up with me yet. I just love him and am so lethargic and useless in the midst of all of this. i just love the guy.

fineso.mom

OP I've been in a somewhat similar situation before. It's hard of course, your emotions are all over the place,you miss him and you're sad.
But do you miss him as he has shown himself to be or the person you thought he was when you fell in love with him? Because that guy doesn't exist anymore or maybe never did.
Think of it this way, if he had behaved the way he did at the weekend on your first date, there wouldn't have been a second date would there? It's that guy you broke up with and are well rid of.
And a hint for the phone, either block his number or turn it off, that way you are not constantly checking it and expecting a call. You have control.

Estrellita

bitofabind wrote: »

He behaved like an absolute scumbag and i'm mortified that my family had to see it and see me in tears afterwards.

I think this is the only reason you think this relationship can't go on any longer. I'm not trying to annoy you, I just feel that you've no choice now after what your family has witnessed.

I'd feel more confident that you meant it if you'd ended it prior to this incident. I don't believe you're doing this for yourself. After all, what would your family say if you stayed with him?

The fact of the matter is, he technically walked out on you. And of course he blames you, don't you know alcoholics are never in the wrong?

You were given very sound advice by posters here about the direction all of this was heading. Now you're sad because your phone is quiet, it's all gone to shít.

Well let me tell you something. They will never accept him, nor will they ever stop worrying for you now. As you're a grown adult they can't stop you from taking him back, of course. They will have to wait for you to hit rock bottom before you realise they were right.

But my heart hasn't caught up with me yet. I just love him and am so lethargic and useless in the midst of all of this. i just love the guy.

Red flags. Everywhere.

judeboy101

OP, please do not take him back. It hurts like hell but stay strong.

Ursus Horribilis

Another thing you'll need to be mindful of is what will happen when the dust settles. Your ex can't stay in his friend's place forever and will be needing to find somewhere to live. It would not surprise me if he reappears soon, making the right noises.

Estrellita hit the nail on the head with her post just now. I get the sense that your words have a hollow ring to them, both because of how the relationship ended and the tone of what you're posting. It's as if you're marking time until this resolves itself and you get back with him.

Colser

judeboy101 wrote: »

OP, please do not take him back. It hurts like hell but stay strong.

100% this OP..it's a nightmare that can go on for a very long time.My only advice is when you feel you want him back and you're remembering the good times you need to picture him as he was over the weekend and tell yourself that you deserve better..it can be a long road so stay strong or you'll end back at square one and he won't have changed.

Big Bag of Chips

He will come back, and you need to have a plan for what you will do when he does. He will come back, and he won't be remorseful. He will come back and he briefly might apologise, but it will soon turn to doing and saying things that make you feel guilty and have you apologising to him for having enough of his drinking.

So he's gone to stay with friend. Do you think he's on their couch crying? No. He's in the pub. Drinking and having a right laugh. He may even be giving out about you and how you don't want him enjoying himself.

He has a problem with drink that he can't control. The longer you stick around the less money you have and the more of your life he will suck from you. How much has he saved in the few months since you posted? How different was your life last weekend, an hour before he walked out, than it was when you originally started this thread?

He's not going to change. He hasn't changed. He doesn't want to change. He's happy. You're not. So you're the one who has to change, and you have to stop making allowances, and making excuses.

He will come back, possibly today..... What are you going to do?

milli milli

OP I'm failing to see what you love about this man? He's an alcoholic who spends all his money and time on drink. What time and money is he spending on you - (besides bringing you to the pub)?

He smokes 20-30 fags a day which not only is totally gross (sorry smokers, but it is). That paired with the drink, he must be totally out of shape, has no regards for his health, doesn't care what effect his binge drinking and chain smoking has on others.

Now he's acted like a scumbag to your family.
You say he would do anything for you? Like what exactly? He wouldn't give up the drink long term for you. He wouldn't clean up his act for you.
He paid the bills - big deal. Why is that an act of love?

What exactly were you getting out of this relationship? I think you are blinded by what you thought this man was. The early days of any relationship are when we are on our best behaviour. Who wouldn't fall in love with someone when they're acting their very best?

The reality is he is a total waster. He hasn't gotten his act together. He is only looking after his own needs. You are not a factor in the equation at all. Does he bring you out on dates at all (not pub related)? Cuddling on the couch is nice but any lazy bum can do that. Is he making any effort with you at all?

You deserve much, much more than this man has to offer. And as others have said, they fear you will take him back when he comes crawling back. I think you will too. Be strong and please open your eyes to the situation.
Your OP was 3 months ago and he left you, not the other way around, despite all the good advice people offered you.

So please take our advice now - DON'T TAKE HIM BACK!
If you do, you will be back on Boards in 5 or 10 years asking what to do with the alcoholic father of your children.
Don't put kids through this awful behaviour.