Sisters lying and keeping secrets!

dee_mc

OP, it sounds like your sisters have more in common with each other than they have with you. That's just life: don't take it as a rejection that for whatever reason there's an easier, more natural dynamic between the rest of them than there is with you!
I'd suggest just taking them as you find them, accepting that ye are not in each others pockets and nor should ye be - enjoy the interaction ye do have and stop analysing who has more contact with whom!
Re the group holiday thing, it sounds perfectly reasonable that your sisters would prefer to include their partners and perhaps their children too, considering the fact that they probably don't get to spend loads of time together and probably can't afford lots of holidays with different combinations of family and friends - like you, I don't have a partner, but I can see what life is like for those of my friends and family who are in relationships and/or have children, so I set my expectations accordingly.
It sounds like things are really strained at the moment and you're clearly very hurt by the perceived slight, but take a step back and try to make the most of the relationship ye have/can have instead of yearning for the relationship ye had/'should' have.

Big Bag of Chips

But what difference did it make to you what date his interview was? What difference did it make to you what the sister-in-law said? People who work have limited time off and have a right to be selective about how the use it. Maybe they'd prefer a few days away with their own partner than all their sisters. A colour run isn't going to use up as much annual leave as a holiday.

My family would know general stuff about my life but they mightn't necessarily be told specific dates and times. They don't need to know.. and probably aren't all that interested in knowing either! I have lied to them on occasion about things that I didn't want them knowing. I lied about my driving test date because I didn't want them all knowing I was doing it. I told them I had a date for a month later. When I passed the test I told them I'd gotten a cancellation! I've lied about plans I've made because I don't want their opinion. You seem very angry about your sisters, and also very entitled to information that doesn't really matter. That could be why some sisters hold back from you. You seem bitter about how they spend their free time. You might think you are very quiet and that can't be a factor, but there's obviously something your sisters are picking up on that makes them wary of sharing stuff with you. You're giving out that they don't tell you anything, yet you seem to find it all out anyway, so somebody is telling you something!

What do you want, OP? The only person we can advise is you. Nobody here can contact your sisters and tell them to tell you stuff. So you either try to engage your sisters on a more social lev, not purely 'information gathering'! Or you accept that you might not be in on all the news as it happens, but you'll hear about it eventually.

December2012

What are the actual lies though?

ibarelycare

Jesus people on here love being harsh. OP has said repeatedly that someone told her about the FB/Dragon's Den post. She may not be "entitled" to a friendship with her sister's, but that doesn't mean she shouldn't be hurt by their actions. Serious lack of empathy on this forum, not sure why it is but people love trying to turn things around on the OP.




OP have you ever tried to talk to your sisters about how you're feeling?

kylith

OP, if I were you I'd be telling them how upset I was that they could make time for everyone but me and to be left out of the loop in all their news when I made a point of trying to keep in contact. Then I'd tell them to shove it and not darken their doors again. It's not worth getting yourself upset about if they don't want to keep in contact.

lawred2

sistersM wrote: »

Hi,

What would ye do in this situation?


Majority of my sisters keeping secrets and lying to me...
They all know everything apart from me.
But yet if I tell one sis one thing they all know so I will not be telling anything only when asked


My sis got married rec and her sis in law rang her up and told her she was not going to wedding.
I asked her what she said, she said that all and hung up( I knew she was lying)
I since asked my other sis who told me what she did say...

I also asked the sis that got married when was the interiew for the guards.She lied and said given no date.
He told me the truth when I was down visiting... that he had got date 3 weeks ago.I knew she waa lying when she tried to answer question for him.

Also my cousin was on Dragons Den but no one of them told me! I was texting one of them that v same night....
They all knew cos they tagged each other on fb.I am not on that.


So I don't why all the lies and secrets but can guarantee won't be open anymore with them...

Are they all homebirds? Have you moved away?

Big Bag of Chips

ibarelycare wrote: »

She may not be "entitled" to a friendship with her sister's, but that doesn't mean she shouldn't be hurt by their actions......

OP have you ever tried to talk to your sisters about how you're feeling?

Nobody is saying she shouldn't be hurt. She can't help how she feels, but at the same time she has no control over what her sisters decide to share with her.

I mentioned my sister who I have a very superficial relationship with and tell her nothing of any importance. We swap general chit chat whenever we meet. She asks questions, maybe she's genuinely interested, but it always seems like she's nosing just to have something to give out about later. I don't particularly like her as a person. If she wasn't my sister I would have no relationship with her. Now, she might sense this from me, I'm sure she does, and maybe she's upset by our lack of relationship.... But... That's not going to change how I feel about her. If she told me in a heart to heart that she was upset and felt left out of my life I'd make a few awkward sounds of understanding (maybe) but it wouldn't change our relationship. I'd still be careful about telling her anything and I'd still keep our relationship on a superficial level.

I wouldn't be going away on holiday with her, that's for sure!!

Again, I am not liking the OP to my sister, but I am giving examples from my own experience. Not all families gel, and just because you are blood related to someone it's no guarantee that you will actually like them. OP has no control over how her sisters carry on. She only has control over how she chooses to deal with it.

twill

I can only say what I suspect, which is that family dynamics have shifted since the death of your parents. I see it as significant that it is a group of sisters. I have observed occasions in which a group of grown women, in the 'bonding' process, will turn on and exclude someone they see as a more vulnerable member of the group, just as you might see in school.

Or in other words, what you may have in your situation is a shower of bullies.

Don't make the effort. If you are in contact independently with nieces or nephews, stay in contact, but otherwise, sad to say, you can't rely on your family at this point in time. Stick with those you can trust and have a great life without this stress until they make the effort to build bridges with you.

dori_dormer

I know how it feels bring left out. I moved away for a few years and my other 2 sisters became quite close. They took up running and exercising together and webby shopping together. They'd never ask me and I felt very excluded. They'd also know a lot about each other's lives as they'd chat when out together.
Unfortunately I had to just get over it. They were entitled to their friendship! I worked on rebuilding my friendships with my sisters individually. I live further away and just have to accept they are closer and can be spontaneous when I can't.
I also know I have often forgotten to tell people important info. When you've told 2 or 3 people something, you get bored of repeating yourself and easily forget who you've told or not told. It's only human.

Neyite

I'd be closer to some siblings than others. And I think the sibling dynamic changes as you progress through adulthood too, it adjusts. Some news I'm happy to share with everyone, other bits and pieces I share with only the one I'm closest to. And they do likewise. Then life stages help - I tend to talk more to the sibing who also has kids around the age of mine, as we've stuff in common.

For some reason, they want to know all your business but yet exclude you from theirs. Only you and they might uncover the reason. There are a couple in my family who I would tell nothing to. Some of the reasons are:

-They are opinionated and treat me like I'm 5.
-Their idea of keeping my secret is telling everyone and then telling them not to say it back to me.
-They have different belief systems/ values to me and I know they'd be critical.

They are family, though. And it's kind of mad that I'd willingly donate a kidney to them but not trust them as far as I could throw them - only siblings eh?

Look, there are a couple of ways to go from here. If they are the kind that would take on board your feelings and recognise your hurt at how they exclude you, and try to repair that, then talk to them.

If they arent. If they are the type to gossip about you telling them how you feel or talk behind your back, disengage. Stop asking questions. Answer theirs blandly with little information (work? grand thanks, you? Relationship? all good there. and so on.) If you get told news, give a polite appropriate response and leave it at that. Accept they have their clique and you are not part of that (hurtful I know, but it gets easier after a while.) and surround yourself with people who are good for you.

orthsquel

sistersM wrote: »

No, quite the opposite.They always wanna know everything about me and I tell 'em.

OP from what you're saying you're open with them when asked about stuff in your life, and they are not forthcoming with some things and lie about others. It could be the problem is them, not you. Perhaps they feel jealous about your life or feel bad about themselves in comparison to you for whatever reason?

I can understand not sharing personal information... however it seems that you feel ostracised by your siblings - have you ever approached the subject of not being included in things and how it makes you feel with any of your siblings? Maybe they need to know you need to feel more included or that they may need to make a bit of effort to include and communicate with you? It can be frustrating when you are the one doing the running around...

Also has this been going on a long time or is this a recent change?

notsoyoungwan

Having re-read your posts op, you remind me a bit of one of my sisters. She is pathologically nosey and has actually said the words "I have a right to know" when asking me whether or not I was in a relationship. She doesn't get that we are not close, never were close, that I'm quite a private person in general etc- as far as she's concerned if she wants to know something she's entitled to know it. She has (finally!) learned that I don't tell her personal information about myself (or anyone else) so she goes to others to find out about me- to the extent that when she heard I was going to visit a family member who had a terminal illness she asked her to find out information and relay it back. All that has achieved is a stronger determination on my part to ensure that she only knows what I want her to know. And I think even less of her because she doesn't respect me and my privacy. The way you are going around questioning people and double-checking things reminds me of that and would just make me clam up more if I was subject to that.

XsApollo

GingerLily wrote: »

Are you possibly a busybody OP?

You were out of line talking to the brother in law about this interview date, it's got NOTHING to do with you.
Your not entitled to an adult family holiday, your not entitled to know private information of your sisters, your not entitled to friendship with your siblings.

I think you need to take a step back from your sisters, for everyone's benefit.

Out of line asking her brother in law did he get an interview for the guards yet?
Is that a joke?
Everybody is out of line then asking anybody about anything.
The Brother in law obviously had no problem telling her as he told her.

XsApollo

Anyway to your original question of what would ye do.

Back away, it's obvious they don't want to tell you stuff.
Let them be and move on.

LegacyUser

Thanks for last few responses especially Ibarelycare for picking up on it first.
It really did feel like I was being attacked there for a while.

Last year they all kept it a secret that my sis had depression.
They knew I was angry but yet doing same again only worse as kept out of more things now
So there is no point in talking to them.

I will do as suggested as answer with one liners.

The two sisters that keep most of the lies are the two that want to know everything about my life.

LegacyUser

At this stage I would be polite to them when you meet. I feel that you have tried hard in your own way to be friends with them and to know what is happening in their lives.
They are not going to change so why keep making the effort with and for them.

I have a friend with a few siblings. Like you they spent time trying hard to keep in contact with them, to arrange things and to show interest in what was going on in their lives. They never asked very personal questions.
A few things happened within their family over the past few years. My friend realised that they were been used by the siblings in various ways. My friend made the decision to step away and to work on their own life. Now they tell their family only what they want them to know.
They said just because we are siblings does not mean we have to be joined at the hip, be best buddies and know everthing about each other.

In regards to the sisters that want to know everthing about your life - don't share information. In fact the best thing to do with them is to ask very personal questions back - ie when are you going to have a child, when are you getting married, start to tell them how to lose weight if they are heavy. I am sure both of them have something they don't want to be asked or get upset/unhappy when certain things are mentioned.

charlietheminxx

I don't think you're being fair here OP, your sister's struggle with depression is none of your business unless she decides to confide in you. I've been reading along the thread and didn't plan on contributing but seeing your latter posts, I think this needs to be made clear to you.

People's private lives are their own business. That includes their mental health and their job prospects and what they tell you is up to them. It is also none of your business who else they decide to share that information with, be it your other sisters or not. These aren't lies. You don't have to tell everyone everything all the time. Keeping information quiet/private is not the same as lying.

I get that it doesn't feel nice to be excluded and left out, I'm that way with one side of my family but you know what? We just don't have that much in common and I have my own life and my own friends to share things with. Focus on positive relationships you do have in your life rather than lamenting the ones you have with your sisters.

The holiday thing- people generally have limited time and money for holidays. Most years I'm fortunate and I get a long weekend away with my friends and a separate break with my other half. That being said, if it came down to having to choose one holiday, I would probably choose one where my partner was included because I like spending time away from everyday life with him. Maybe your sisters could only afford/manage/sort childcare for one holiday? They have every right to choose one that includes their partners and children instead of a girly one.

My point is, hopefully without being too harsh, you're coming off as having a sense of entitlement when it comes to what your sisters tell you and having a holiday with them whether it's what they want or what suits them. You need to live and let live OP. It's nice to make the effort but at the same time, you can't force people into being closer to you than they feel.

witchgirl26

sistersM wrote: »

Thanks for last few responses especially Ibarelycare for picking up on it first.
It really did feel like I was being attacked there for a while.

Last year they all kept it a secret that my sis had depression.
They knew I was angry but yet doing same again only worse as kept out of more things now
So there is no point in talking to them.

I will do as suggested as answer with one liners.

The two sisters that keep most of the lies are the two that want to know everything about my life.

OP maybe your sister just didn't feel comfortable telling you about her depression. And why would that make you angry? There are many reasons people don't share certain things. For example - 1 of my brothers didn't know I'd had a medical procedure a few years back. I didn't tell him as he lives a bit away and hadn't been around for the whole lead up so it would have been a much longer conversation etc that I just didn't feel like having. I told him after but that was my choice.

Maybe they are living vicariously through your life which is why they want to know but it's up to you what to tell them. You don't have to give them all the details and if they're practising that right, you can too.

Honestly I do get why you might be hurt but they're aren't lying to you.

December2012

I think that its likely that they didn't tell you about your sister's depression, because they know how you react. And from what you've typed, you're more angry that they didn't tell you confidential and sensitive information, rather than you examine the reasons why the person did not feel like telling you. And if you can't see that, and if you still take that as lying and as a slight against you, then you have some serious self reflection to do.

That was her story to tell. Not theirs. And she does not have to tell you.

Same with the job interview, same with the reason about the sister in law.

Still no actual lies either - so you should consider how you perceive things to be.

GingerLily

When I have found out family members have had mental / physical health problems after the fact, I never once thought to get annoyed because I didn't know sooner, I was much more concerned about them and how they were doing now and what I can do to support them.

You're making her depression about you OP, I can see why she didn't want you to know at the time.

koumi

Hey op, I've four sisters too and they all used facebook to communicate and organise stuff between themselves all the time, all my siblings have an account but I don't use it at all which made me sort of non included for most stuff. It's been that way for years though and while at first it was a bit difficult,things have eased back to some kind of normality and many of them are leaving FB behind too, using it less and less for whatever reason. I closed my account two years ago and disconnecting from it meant disconnecting from everything that went with it and that included all the drama and information I would otherwise have been privy to.

Being aware that there is a world going on that you are not involved in can make you feel alone and isolated and I can understand that you may feel a sense of betrayal by not feeling included otherwise in their lives but I know they have had their own problems over the years too and to be honest as long as I still contact them by phone and see my nieces and nephews every now and then I'm good with that.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

sistersM wrote: »

Another thing happened before where my sister was supposed to have "depression " and they were all lying to me.It eventually came out.

Well looking at how you've phrased that, that's one mystery that solves itself tbh.

You say that it's not the keeping things private as such that hurts you, it's the fact that you're the only one who's kept out of the loop, which is very understandable, I don't want to downplay how upsetting this is for you. But you're not seeming to question why it's only you. I see a few options:

1) they're bitches and they're doing it on purpose to be hurtful or spiteful, hopefully not the case and probably the least likely, but it's definitely possible.
2) they're busy/inconsiderate/a bit of both, and there's some innocent explanation, it's just coincidental that it keeps ending up being you rather than anything personal (for reasons like you're not on facebook, you live further away, you have a different lifestyle to them and they've just ended up closer).
3) there is a specific reason that they all don't want to share news with you. Something in your relationship and how you get along.

To try and figure out which one it is you're going to have to take a long view I think. Has this always been the dynamic, like back in yer teens? If it's new, when did it start to develop and did that coincide with anything else? Was there any big change in circumstances (them starting to settle down and have kids for example, or you moving) or any big bust up?

At the end of the day you can't force them to change how they interact with you, and again I don't to brush off the hurt you're feeling. Trying to catch them out and prove that they've been lying or withholding information would I think be the very definition of counterproductive; keep going like you're going and they'll not tell you anything at all ever.

The advice you're leaning towards- being non committal in your answers to questions, not keeping up so much effort when it's so one-sided - is good, but I wouldn't think of it as 'beating them at their own game', to me the whole thing sounds like a pretty hassly family dynamic, all this she-said, he-said, she-said, I-texted, whatsapp-group-drama thing all the time. Just take a step back and a deep breath and adjust your expectations for your family relationships.

Passtheremote

I think we've all been guilty at times of expecting too much from family - i.e. we are family therefore x y and z should be how things are.

Its nice to think we can be friends with siblings/uncles/aunts/cousins etc but sometimes they don't want to be friends/friendly with us, or do things that make a closer relationship not possible. Unfortunately you can't force or expect relationships with people to go in a certain way, including family members who are persons in their own right first and families sometimes have quite "unique" dynamics which makes things even more difficult.

Sometimes you just gotta see stuff for how it really is and adjust your own path and familial relationships so you can keep your own sense of self and stay sane!

Big Bag of Chips

I know that you have said you're very quiet, and not nosey etc, but I get the impression you are quite dismissive of others and may be even a bit opinionated, possibly without realising it.

In your posts you've dismissed your sisters right to plan things with their partners/children. You've dismissed their hobbies or interests. You've dismissed your sister's depression. You've dismissed all posters who didn't immediately take your side. You're opinionated about how they spend their weekends or annual leave entitlement. You're opinionated about their partners families and their availability for childminding duties.

Maybe they dint think you're as quiet as you think you are?

As a general rule if 1 person has a problem with everybody else they meet, maybe it's not everybody else that is the problem.

I honestly don't want to take a dig at you. But it might be something worth considering. As mentioned above, there is just the chance that they are a pack of bitches and you're better off out of it. But if that's the case then you should feel a relief to be away from them all. You will never change or influence their behaviour (if they are just being bitchy) so you're better off maintaining a civil and polite distance and finding out general news as you have been from others.

LegacyUser

When I found out my sis left job after two days.I was asking another sis about it and she started quizzing me on things she already knew trying to get more information! !!


The sis had told me her sis in law called her lied to me and told me she had said nothing and just hung up.
I asked her and said she didn't have to tell me if she didn't want to but instead of just saying that she lied instead.
Like she told me herself she rang.

Another sis comes down to visit and I am certain she keeps things from me on purpose.I know so

Just to make it clear it's all sisters that know everything even the other one that lives away also.


Anyway, I think there might be a bit inconsiderate and slightly trying to have one up on me.

I am.most definitely not opinionated.
I partly think maybe they don't tell me as I am not good enough to tell.

It's definitely not coincidental as it has happened so many times now.

I will be non-committal from now on.

amtc

I really wasn't going to comment on this. I'm an only child but shared this thread with my mother who is eldest of seven...four sisters. I'm really close to one and my mother's cousin. My mother is close to two of her sisters. Just family dynamics. She's closest to youngest even though grew up 12k miles away from each other but both independent women whereas others very child oriented.

But...I think you need to get over yourself. There is no need for them to check in with you! They have built their own lives. You make it sound like you are difficult to be around. All you're short of is requiring a diary reconciliation.

What about building more of a relationship with your nieces and nephews? Being fun and go to auntie could integrate you more.

Birdsong

OP I wouldn't think anything is intentional with your sisters. I have two sisters, both teachers. They have way more in common with each other than with me. They go on holiday together because they are off together. I can't take a month off in the summer as I work in the private sector. I would not expect them to be filling me in on all their conversations and plans. I don't need to know. Once I saw on Facebook that they were away for mid term!!

Build your own life and engage with them when you need to. They're your sisters not friends.

LegacyUser

There has been numerous lies..
I asked my sis what did sis in law say.She lied and said she rang and hung up phone.

I asked her when interview was in conversation.She lied and said had not got date.

Another sis pretended not to know anything about my sis who left job after a day or so and was real sneaky trying to get extra informatiom from me.I had nothing to tell.

Numerous more lies but I don't think ppl can see it's not the not being told it's the lies

Anyway as ye say I'll keep things to myself from now on.
Tell them when I'm back in country after hols etc
It works both ways.

dee_mc

So you'd be ok with it if you asked a personal question of one of your sisters and she replied 'no, I'm not telling you that' you'd accept it? You'd be ok with them not telling you stuff you wanted to know, as long as they told you straight out that they didn't want to share the information?
I don't think it's true that it's about the lies, I think you're hurt because they don't want to share the minutae of their lives with you (and as you've said numerous times, because they happily share those details with each other).

Miaireland

OP I think you are mixing up lies with not being told things that are none or your business.

For example in regards to your sister in law not attending the wedding you should not have asked why. You put your sister in an awkard position and I can understand why she said she just hung up.

I have a family member who we limit telling information and things to. Something as simple as saying I must do a shop later will results in 20 pointless questions and to honest it gets tiring.