Teen Sexting

dev100

Daledge wrote:

This is terrible, terrible advice.How can you expect someone to confide in you and trust you if you don't do the same? Checking someones phone on a regular basis is just an invasion of privacy and will only end up in creating a hostile environment.Why bother turning this into a battle?I know personally when I was growing up, which wasn't too long ago, I would be absolutely fuming if I caught my parents checking my phone or opening my mail. I was one of the boring kids, I had absolutely nothing to hide yet my parents trusted me anyway. As a result, I tell them absolutely everything that goes on my life because there's a mutual level of trust.]If they had done what you're suggesting I'd talk about my problems elsewhere, or else I'd just end up bottling up. After all, if you can't trust your own parents who can you trust?

She's only a child. She shouldn't have any privacy !!! Her parents are most likely paying for her access for a phone etc. While some parents do go overboard needlessly and some others go the other way and also the child can be either rebellious or boring as you put it and no 2 situations are the same. I'd find it horrifying if I had a daughter who was up to that stuff of sending photos . It wouldn't be so bad if it was a young lad she fancied and was sexting at least you can discuss that but not strangers etc !!!

God at 14 as a young lad, Page 03 in the Sunday world was an exciting event 😠I'm showing my age 😂. There's no way a child should allowed to carry on in such fashion. Her life can be destroyed in so many ways over a very small stupid mistakes. This needs to be explained to her.

Her parents need to sit down and have an honest talk about life and consequences and listen to her. I'd also be looking at other ways to occupy her time. She needs a lot of hobbies / outlets to keep her amused ....

LegacyUser

Doctors or specialist that I'm familiar with won't help, it may just frustrate her and make her paranoid.
She is apart of the first world dilemma which is very commonly lead back to watching porn from a YOUNG age (from age 10 in some cases).
It is a young age to start exploring such a sextual nature, but is common nowadays. I'm 18 year old who knows of individuals in my school who are addicted to their phone and using various mediums such as snapchat so sext on. The technology is so fast and pornographic content to easy to access, it's crucial that parents with young kids reading this that MUST educate their kids about sex and relationships before the internet does. That is how I learnt half of what I know, but was informed about the problems of porn on the brain to restrict myself.

(Went a bit off topic)
For your young female daughter, it is thought to solve, but understand sex is most likly on her mind a lot. And this is NOT your fault.
Maybe to get help about explaining to the negative effect of porn. Unfortunately this is such a delicate and new situation that is difficult to know what's best.

MusicLifeMan

aivarss wrote: »

Hi. As hard it is i'm asking for help. Just found out again, that my teenage daughter(14) is sexting(sending sex/porn messages to people that she even doesn't know)
First me and my wife found out before Christmas when checked out her phone. we found loads of chats in snap chat, Flickr and apps like that.We found loads of porn and rely discussing chats with friends and strange people. We had a long talk about it, banned her from internet for nearly two months and so on. Two weeks ago she got her phone back, and today we checked it and found even worst. Now she's chatting with strangers about sex and pornographic nature things(i even can't describe in pleasant language for example Ride me like you ride your tractor and sh** like that) Is there any organizations or doctors where we could turn? Any help would be great. We looking thru net, but couldn't find anything. Thanks in advance

Doctors or specialist that I'm familiar with won't help, it may just frustrate her and make her paranoid.
She is apart of the first world dilemma which is very commonly lead back to watching porn from a YOUNG age (from age 10 in some cases).
It is a young age to start exploring such a sextual nature, but is common nowadays. I'm 18 year old who knows of individuals in my school who are addicted to their phone and using various mediums such as snapchat so sext on. The technology is so fast and pornographic content to easy to access, it's crucial that parents with young kids reading this that MUST educate their kids about sex and relationships before the internet does. That is how I learnt half of what I know, but was informed about the problems of porn on the brain to restrict myself.

(Went a bit off topic)
For your young female daughter, it is thought to solve, but understand sex is most likly on her mind a lot. And this is NOT your fault.
Maybe to get help about explaining to the negative effect of porn. Unfortunately this is such a delicate and new situation that is difficult to know what's best.

BoatMad

She's only a child. She shouldn't have any privacy

it must be a very long time since you interacted with a 14 year old.

Her parents are most likely paying for her access for a phone etc.

utterly irrelevant ,

I'd find it horrifying if I had a daughter who was up to that stuff of sending photos

my own opinion, is its typically the fault of the parents

God at 14 as a young lad, Page 03 in the Sunday world was an exciting event

for petes sake , wake up

Her life can be destroyed in so many ways over a very small stupid mistakes. This needs to be explained to her.

NO , this is the hell and damnation approach, its useless on teens , Teens live in the here and now. Many things "might " destroy their lives, but they think they are basically immortal . You need to approach the argument from their perspective , not yours

listen to her.

a key piece of advice

I'd also be looking at other ways to occupy her time

lets leave the victorian arguments for the victorians

She needs a lot of hobbies / outlets to keep her amused ....

you cant force teens to do things they dont what to do

BoatMad

Doctors or specialist that I'm familiar with won't help, it may just frustrate her and make her paranoid.
She is apart of the first world dilemma which is very commonly lead back to watching porn from a YOUNG age (from age 10 in some cases).
It is a young age to start exploring such a sextual nature, but is common nowadays. I'm 18 year old who knows of individuals in my school who are addicted to their phone and using various mediums such as snapchat so sext on. The technology is so fast and pornographic content to easy to access, it's crucial that parents with young kids reading this that MUST educate their kids about sex and relationships before the internet does. That is how I learnt half of what I know, but was informed about the problems of porn on the brain to restrict myself.

good modern perspective

it's crucial that parents with young kids reading this that MUST educate their kids about sex and relationships before the internet does.

a key key point and one that parents flumox

but understand sex is most likly on her mind a lot. And this is NOT your fault

it is the parents fault if she feels she has to resort to the internet to learn about sex, as you point out in your previous point

by the time you kid wonders about sex, she or he should have been told all there is the need to know about it. Otherwise they will find the answers elsewhere

uck51js9zml2yt

A phone which can be locked down should be used if she is to be left with a phone.
But at 14, she needs you and your wife to be the adults and set the boundaries.
Taking the phone off her at night is the best option in my mind (I've 2 kids). Only giving it too her when she really needs it, is the best option.

You really need to be parents at this stage and tell her the potential ramifications of her actions and take actions to protect her.

If you can do it, its possible to put parental locks on your modem/router and restrict internet access.

BoatMad

Only giving it too her when she really needs it, is the best option.

and then she's use it furtively to continue the process , how is that a solution , or maybe she'll use a friends phone

parental locks on your modem/router and restrict internet access.

wifi hotspots, etc etc, there is no effective technical solution , unless you seek to lock here in her room till she's 18 !

You have to influence her value system , not punish her ( as she sees it )

The activity is most likely the result of low self esteem and peer pressure, you need too equip her with the value to resist that and improve here self esteem , she may have lots of question in sex and relationships , half formed ideas and influences from peers

None of that is sorted by " punishing " her.

silverharp

BoatMad wrote: »

as will be the book, but to a teen thats not the point

"back in my day" being a bored teenager resulted in me reading a lot of novels. its very difficult to shift kids off the internet to do more mundane things like reading. Overly snooping and putting some time boundaries on net use are not really comparable.

MusicLifeMan

BoatMad wrote: »

by the time you kid wonders about sex, she or he should have been told all there is the need to know about it. Otherwise they will find the answers elsewhere

I find it difficult talking to my parents about anything. I'm not great at telling people my feeling incase it's stupid and I'm humiliated(thats just a personal thing)

But once a child of ANY AGE WITH A PHONE!! who is at that vunrable/experimental age of their life, it's just so much easier to turn to a phone (For example, I'm in the living room right not telling a stranger I'm the internet my personal views on sexting and the detrimental effects of porn).

If I could give you any advice to keep her safe, even though its against what I would believe. Kids.Are.Assholes. The first kid who is known for being "the one" to be sexting guys that people around her knows, and that gets out, it won't end well. It's almost every modern cliqué movie where a girl is slut shamed for something that really isn't that big in long term, but in short term will feel like the world is over. It's a teenager thing. Ever generation has their own thing.
I'be had friends who have just experimented on social media, some one inconsiderate got hold of it, and she has adopted a depressed persona and self harms.

She needs to be careful. Lots of people my age sext (I think it's stupid and ruins ALL the imagination and fun of a inperson sextual experience), but it's ones who get the biggest noise that people remember.

//and don't mind everone telling you that you should "kick her out" and that "it's your fault". This is (kinda) normal. Its just a "21st centuary" normal. I'm sure you're a good parent. She needs you but she just dosent know that yet //

BoatMad

silverharp wrote: »

"back in my day" being a bored teenager resulted in me reading a lot of novels. its very difficult to shift kids off the internet to do more mundane things like reading. Overly snooping and putting some time boundaries on net use are not really comparable.

a lot of internet use is " reading " . I see kids looking up all sorts of information online , thats would have been the preserve of houses with a well stocked library in the past

shift kids off the internet

huh, its the 21st century , they are going to be embedded in the Internet for the rest of their natural lives , at least lets give them the basis and value system to see its good and bad points , not " ban " it

whether they read about nature ,or history , or whatever from a book or a the face of an iPad is irrelevant , its the fact that they are curious is the wonderful thing in the first place

BoatMad

MusicLifeMan wrote: »

I find it difficult talking to my parents about anything. I'm not great at telling people my feeling incase it's stupid and I'm humiliated(thats just a personal thing)

But once a child of ANY AGE WITH A PHONE!! who is at that vunrable/experimental age of their life, it's just so much easier to turn to a phone (For example, I'm in the living room right not telling a stranger I'm the internet my personal views on sexting and the detrimental effects of porn).

of course most kids and parents find the topic difficult partly because its left too late. Age appropriate discussions dont take place at the appropriate time and schools are doing an awful job of it as well.

If I could give you any advice to keep her safe, even though its against what I would believe. Kids.Are.Assholes. The first kid who is known for being "the one" to be sexting guys that people around her knows, and that gets out, it won't end well. It's almost every modern cliqué movie where a girl is slut shamed for something that really isn't that big in long term

,
perhaps if we had more openness and less moral panic about teens and sex and relationships, we should remove the so-called moral shame associated with the word "slut" a situation that adults have largely contributed to

What you miss is that the kid that engage in this aberrant behaviour do so because there has been a failing in the value system imparted to them .

but in short term will feel like the world is over. It's a teenager thing. Ever generation has their own thing.
I'be had friends who have just experimented on social media, some one inconsiderate got hold of it, and she has adopted a depressed persona and self harms.

yes , the issue is the internet is here to stay and access to it is increasing and not decreasing. SO rather then howling at the moon we need to look at ways to educate teens about the issues in a non judgemental way

She needs to be careful. Lots of people my age sext (I think it's stupid and ruins ALL the imagination and fun of a inperson sextual experience), but it's ones who get the biggest noise that people remember.

evidence is its confined to certain age groups and certain individuals , its not rampant as many of the moral panic merchants would have you believe. by and large kids grown out of it as they experience real relationships and as they " cop on"

She needs you but she just dosent know that yet //

now thats the truth


setting boundaries and setting rules is important , but doing do after the fact is largely counter productive . The pony has bolted so to speak .

what you have to do now is try and find out why she thinks such behaviour is warranted and acceptable and try and shift that perspective . Because that perspective ( hers) will just exhibit itself in other risky behaviour as well if you just take a disciplinarian viewpoint

BUBBLES1978

ash23 wrote: »

OP every child is different. So you need to find what works for yours. I can completely see why you are not happy that your 14 year old child is sending provocative messages to strangers.

For my 14 year we have a constant dialogue about internet safety and whenever something comes up online I'll share it with her or tag her in it. We discuss the possible consequences of sexting and what may or may not happen if she decides to send pictures of herself to boys.
I have her passwords, it's one of the conditions of her having a phone but I don't often check her phone and I have yet to see anything on it that would concern me.
As it stands she is very very open with me about things, from boys to asking me about sex and I try to treat her like an equal when it comes to discussion but all the same, she knows who is boss in the house too.

It's a very difficult balance to get right and we're only in the early days of 14 so who knows what i might be saying in a year or two years. So far, the approach is working so I'll carry on.
There's lots of information out there on internet safety for kids so maybe look up some and then sit down and talk to your daughter about the possible consequences.

+1 on this too

the exact same approach i'm taking with my 15 year old son and i am the mother!!.
he knows he can ask me anything or tell me anything and i wont judge or pull broadband routers out of walls or come down crazy on him...respect trust but with him knowing im the boss at the end of day works for us

lawred2

aivarss wrote: »

Hi. As hard it is i'm asking for help. Just found out again, that my teenage daughter(14) is sexting(sending sex/porn messages to people that she even doesn't know)
First me and my wife found out before Christmas when checked out her phone. we found loads of chats in snap chat, Flickr and apps like that.We found loads of porn and rely discussing chats with friends and strange people. We had a long talk about it, banned her from internet for nearly two months and so on. Two weeks ago she got her phone back, and today we checked it and found even worst. Now she's chatting with strangers about sex and pornographic nature things(i even can't describe in pleasant language for example Ride me like you ride your tractor and sh** like that) Is there any organizations or doctors where we could turn? Any help would be great. We looking thru net, but couldn't find anything. Thanks in advance

Is 'Ride me like you ride your tractor' as bad as it gets? Because if it is, I wouldn't go into overdrive on it.

silverharp

BoatMad wrote: »

a lot of internet use is " reading " . I see kids looking up all sorts of information online , thats would have been the preserve of houses with a well stocked library in the past



huh, its the 21st century , they are going to be embedded in the Internet for the rest of their natural lives , at least lets give them the basis and value system to see its good and bad points , not " ban " it

whether they read about nature ,or history , or whatever from a book or a the face of an iPad is irrelevant , its the fact that they are curious is the wonderful thing in the first place

there are a lot of plusses for sure, my son who is only 12 has taught himself how to use video editing software, which Im sure its something 1st year university communications students have to learn and other drawing tools etc. and when he gets a notion about a topic he really ploughs into it but I'd say his focus is watching videos instead of reading but I must check

BoatMad

I find it difficult talking to my parents about anything

as an aside that typically because parents leave this stuff too late. If you were openly talking to your kids about say " sex" with age appropriate discussions from 8,9,10, then by the time any real issues arise they are likely to be comfortable enough approaching you. This is the experience elsewhere , whereas we push it all under the carpet and wonder why it all comes back to bite us.

BoatMad

silverharp wrote: »

there are a lot of plusses for sure, my son who is only 12 has taught himself how to use video editing software, which Im sure its something 1st year university communications students have to learn and other drawing tools etc. and when he gets a notion about a topic he really ploughs into it but I'd say his focus is watching videos instead of reading but I must check

indeed, as a IT technologist that has grown up with this technology , I see a force far more powerful for good then evil. but like all powerful tools , we have to educate people as to its use. But of course instead we teach them Microsoft Word !!!

many kids are visual , or Kinesthetic leaners rather then Aural or analytical , which means that video based information is more meaningful

interesting its the way many learning streams are going for adults too

REBELSAFC

lawred2 wrote: »

Is 'Ride me like you ride your tractor' as bad as it gets? Because if it is, I wouldn't go into overdrive on it.

She could be sexting Richie Kavanagh;)

BoatMad

Ride me like you ride your tractor

if this a " saying " , !!, Ive never heard it in my life.

eurasian

Is her number on her name? I guess it's not. If it's on your (parents) name then ask your service provider to block access to certain websites (snapchat, kik, dating websites etc) that you daughter uses for this stuff. Most operator already have age restricted options but you would need to block those websites and software additionally.

Every now and then there are stories that teens are getting on dating/sexting and pretending they are of adult age when they're not. Not saying this is your situation but it's better to prevent troubles that sorting them out.

FAILSAFE 00

I'd like to see parents being parental.

Lock it, restrict it, whatever needs to be done. Keep your children safe as best as you can in your home.

I absolutely hate this "Lets have a conversation" BS these days. Tell them the way it is. They can sulk all they want.

By all means do your best to instill values however cover all the bases.

Good suggestion by a poster earlier, installing OpenDNS.

irishman86

Take the phone off her. Thats it, no pity. I see my sisters 12 year old run wild with her till she took his phone/xbox off him

Kids these days are growing up with life on turbo-hyper-mode as a result of internet access from a very young age. When I was 14, it was very much the exception to have had sex, most wouldn't have done much apart from shifting at teenage discos or whatever. If 'sexting' like this is normal nowadays at that age (and it conceivably is) then I think a massive change has happened under everyones noses in a very short space of time.
It's hard to see what you can realistically do OP - we've seem to have moved into a new era and, unfortunately in my opinion, there doesn't seem to be any going back. It is what it is. The reality is most kids probably have easy unmonitored access to porn from about age 10 or 11 and therefore they watch a lot of it, so 3 or 4 years later the thought of sending pictures to one another is possibly not as unthinkable as it would have been to us when we were 14. I had a nokia 3310 I think when I was 14 but I know I would have been terrified to send nude picture to someone if it had been possible for fear of it being leaked and just pure self-consciousness etc.
If it's any consolation it's a worry of mine also that if and when I have kids they will be exposed to a hypersexualised world since the culture will be the result of 20 years plus of fast-internet availability and it being the norm to have personal devices with internet from a young age. Every era brings it's challenges though and the challenge of guiding your kids development as best you can in a world like todays sure beats the challenges of life a few generations ago.

Suckit

*deleted

mariaalice

If the parent take the phone away she will only buy another phone and hid its use from her parents.

As she is so young she could be talking to other young people ever younger that her and the behaviour could be viewed as a form of sexual abuse you need to go to the police and get them to talk to her about the possible consequences of her behaviour, Females can be sexual offenders as well.

C182

Now of days all young teens are sexting like crazy! The new ****ed up generation!

Put a GPS tracker on her phone.

Before she attracts the wrong kind of men( perverts)

Big Lar

If everyone in her class is doing it then talk to the school.
They will give advise and maybe they can tackle the problem from their end.

AlanG

BoatMad wrote: »

Teens needs to be made aware of the general consequences of risky activity , but to try and frighten the wits out of a person , with such graphic description is so wrong and likely to regarded by your teen as completely over the top, and smacks of the " moral panic " argument, . it entirely like the failed approach on sex education , that trys to equate sex with disease

You should talk to more teens, i worked with them for years and if talking about the possible consequences of sexting frightens the wits out of them then they shouldn't have a phone. Most teens are well able to talk about serious topics and you need to respect them. The difference now is that one picture can stay with them for life so you need to make sure early that they realise that. Too many parents wait until it is too late to address the power you are giving someone if you send them an explicit photo.

As for the failed approach to sex ed. - the difference is there was a safe way for teens to have sex but there is no way for them to ever get a photo back once sent. Digital is forever.

One thing I haven't seen mentioned here is the potential legal ramifications if the OP's daughter is sending photos. If she is, she's distributing child pornography (even if it's a photo of herself).