Teen Sexting

aivarss

Hi. As hard it is i'm asking for help. Just found out again, that my teenage daughter(14) is sexting(sending sex/porn messages to people that she even doesn't know)
First me and my wife found out before Christmas when checked out her phone. we found loads of chats in snap chat, Flickr and apps like that.We found loads of porn and rely discussing chats with friends and strange people. We had a long talk about it, banned her from internet for nearly two months and so on. Two weeks ago she got her phone back, and today we checked it and found even worst. Now she's chatting with strangers about sex and pornographic nature things(i even can't describe in pleasant language for example Ride me like you ride your tractor and sh** like that) Is there any organizations or doctors where we could turn? Any help would be great. We looking thru net, but couldn't find anything. Thanks in advance

Jack the Stripper

Take her phone off her and switch off the wifi.

marty_carrasco

throw her out of the house

benjamin d

Nokia have re-released the 3310. Get her one of those and lock out the WiFi on laptops/tablets.

marty_carrasco

your obviously a weak father,

set the goddam lines and some consequences

The_Valeyard

3310 is a good idea.


Maybe a scare about the legality of what she is doing. Other than that, maybe their are councillors who could offer you proactive advice.

Orion

marty_carrasco wrote: »

your obviously a weak father,

set the goddam lines and some consequences

you're obviously a troll. Goodbye

jameorahiely

If she really needs a phone, time to get a non internet connecting one and conselling for her. Does she use it as a way of boosting her self esteem,? Ask her gp to refer you when you bring her in to sort contraception.

Iseedeadpixels

marty_carrasco wrote: »

your obviously a weak father,

set the goddam lines and some consequences

F*****g harsh!

allthedoyles

you as parents must challenge her on this . forget about doctors etc

Wexy86

What's her reasoning when you ask her why she is doing this?

aivarss

Any serious advice?? Now days to live without net is impossible especially if you live in countryside, where is no friends around and so

jameorahiely

allthedoyles wrote: »

you as parents must challenge her on this . forget about doctors etc

There is no harm in the parents getting support. They have tried to resolve it but she hasn't taken it on board. It's brave for a parent to stand up and ask for help.

aivarss

Wexy86 wrote: »

What's her reasoning when you ask her why she is doing this?

She says everyone is doing like that in school.

Shannon757

aivarss wrote: »

Any serious advice?? Now days to live without net is impossible especially if you live in countryside, where is no friends around and so

Let her keep the phone but monitor it closely. You can't have her cut off from the rest of the world but you can't give her free reign. It's all about finding the balance.

Shannon757

aivarss wrote: »

She says everyone is doing like that in school.

Almost all teens sext these days.

jameorahiely

aivarss wrote: »

She says everyone is doing like that in school.

Have you spoken to the school about it? Regardless of what others are doing you have to set your own standards as a parent.

Shemale

Why does she need a phone at her age.

Get an app lock, make sure you install everyone of the apps she uses and lock them all with a huge password made up of numbers, upper and lower case letters and symbols. This way she cant use them, uninstal them or instal them as they are already on the device. Make sure to lockdown the factory reset option with a password too.

Boaty

aivarss wrote: »

She says everyone is doing like that in school.

Assuming the other people are of similar ages to her, why don't you educate her on being safe as a "modern teenager".

jackinthemix94

Some of the advice on here is terrible - 14 year olds are like the 18 year olds of yesterday - she'll find a way of getting another phone and getting on the internet. Get f****ng real - you're just showing how old you are.

What you and your partner need to do is sit down with her and have a very frank discussion about what she's doing, why she's doing it, and the potential consequences of her actions.

punisher5112

Look up YouTube how to catch a predator.

Maybe an intervention is needed.

14 way too young for a smart phone. Its a ridiculous argument oh but everyone else has or does it.

Parents need to say NO.

I'm in no way old but we were told no and done us no harm.

Op get it sorted asap or she will be so far gone and possibly off doing god knows.

nhunter100

aivarss wrote:

Any serious advice?? Now days to live without net is impossible especially if you live in countryside, where is no friends around and so

You and your wife should sit down with her and a have frank and open conversation let her know the dangers . As you say you live in the countryside maybe she is lonely and is craving attention. Talk don't shout. Is there any pursuits sports etc she can engage in locally?

jameorahiely

Shannon757 wrote: »

Almost all teens sext these days.

Almost all.. So not everyone is doing it (the ones with respect for themselves, )

Shannon757

jameorahiely wrote: »

Almost all.. So not everyone is doing it (the ones with respect for themselves, )

You can't say that most teenagers don't have respect for themselves.

Boaty

punisher5112 wrote: »

Look up YouTube how to catch a predator.

Maybe an intervention is needed.

14 way too young for a smart phone. Its a ridiculous argument oh but everyone else has or does it.

Parents need to say NO.

I'm in no way old but we were told no and done us no harm.

Op get it sorted asap or she will be so far gone and possibly off doing god knows.

The op hasn't mentioned the ages of the strangers, they could be the same age as the ops daughter for all we know,

riffmongous

Make sure she knows and understand the dangers of grooming

punisher5112

Boaty wrote: »

The op hasn't mentioned the ages of the strangers, they could be the same age as the ops daughter for all we know,

Well look up the thing I mentioned as the guys pretend to be young dumb and post young pics of themselves.... Not themselves really though.

jameorahiely

Shannon757 wrote: »

You can't say that most teenagers don't have respect for themselves.

I don't need to say it if they demonstrate it.

Teenagers always think they know it all. It's only when they mature they realise how daft they were.

Shannon757

jameorahiely wrote: »

I don't need to say it if they demonstrate it.

Teenagers always think they know it all. It's only when they mature they realise how daft they were.

I don't think most teens have no respect for themselves. If you are sexting that doesn't mean you have no respect for yourself.
It's not a case of thinking we know it all, it's about having to common sense about who you are sending the messages to.

Shannon757

jackinthemix94 wrote: »

Some of the advice on here is terrible - 14 year olds are like the 18 year olds of yesterday - she'll find a way of getting another phone and getting on the internet. Get f****ng real - you're just showing how old you you are

This.


I often have people come up to me to buy or borrow phones when they get there's taken of them. They use them in school and when they go home the parents are none the wiser.

endacl

aivarss wrote: »

Any serious advice?? Now days to live without net is impossible especially if you live in countryside, where is no friends around and so

It's really not. Millions have done it before.

Framed10

http://www.thejournal.ie/readme/sexting-cyberbullying-ireland-1342011-Mar2014/

a very useful article and some links for advice.
Dr Griffin comes to schools to chat about this. She is excellent and has worked with some interesting people.Maybe ask the guidance counselors in school to arrange a school visit.

Trend Micro also do internet safety for school kids. maybe see if they can come chat to the students. a whole school approach is needed too.
http://www.trendmicro.ie/home/internet-safety-for-kids/

https://www.mgmstraining.ie/ you might get some contacts here, Dr Griffins website

webwise.ie, also a useful website

freshpopcorn

Hi OP,
I'm not a parent but I would have grown up with basic phones when I'd have being around ten and Camera phones from about twelve or so plus. Smart phones/blackberries weren't really big until we were around 17.
Regarding social media they'd have being Bebo from about 12 plus and Facebook from when we were 17
In my experience certain teens feel into this sending nude pics things and not matter what their parents did it had little effect.
Take their phones off them they just borrewed their friends. Same with the net no matter what type of web security they had they generally were able to break it or just used friends internet/public library/school internet(which blocked websites can easily be hacked)
Even today I see parents who think they've all their teens accounts monitored and their tutting at other people's parenting and their own teens are running rings around them.
The only thing I saw a having an effect on people who were into this was getting a fright off meeting somebody who they didn't expect or something going wrong with a picture.
You should ask you daughter how'd she feel if her little siblings/cousins were sending pictures to weird strangers and arangeing to meet up with them and ask her how'd she feel then?
You could talk to the school about the issue and get to to have a chat in SPHE with the class.

jimbob_t1

We got an Ikydz box for our house and it limits access to certain apps or websites as we have selected them. Can schedule times that they wifi access too. We have a boy and a girl and it works on the games console as well as phone and tablets. We got it in N17 in Galway

I'm writing this whilst knowing well in advance I'll have people reaching for the pitch forks...


But is it not a fairly normal thing, no?

At 14 years old sex is probably the only thing people are thinking about. Bragging to their friends, thinking they're class etc. (even though they've most likely never actually had sex, but let on like they have to be oh so cool etc.)

If she's living quite a rural life, and she's messaging randomers, is it not likely that she's just getting a bit of a kick out of 'talking dirty' to someone, with no actual plan of ever doing anything.

Talking sh*te on her phone is most likely just the equivalent of talking sh*te in person from 20 years ago.

When I was a bit younger, back in the MSN days (ah, memories) I remember having plenty of fairly explicit chats, but if anyone i was talking to actually offered to call around to my house for sexy times, I'd most likely have been hiding under the table in the kitchen.


I think it's just teens being teens. Could be at a lot worse. (mind you, if it's at the stage where she's sending nudey pictures of herself to people or that kinda thing, then perhaps it's intervention time alright, but otherwise if she's just talking nonsense, I don't think I'd be overly concerned).



Righty oh.. time for my boards beating.. go easy on me, no hitting the face!

Daledge

jameorahiely wrote: »

I don't need to say it if they demonstrate it.

Teenagers always think they know it all. It's only when they mature they realise how daft they were.

Same can be said for adults.

Sleeper12

Deleted User wrote:

But is it not a fairly normal thing, no?

It's perfectly normal. Most of the posters here, their teenagers are doing it too. Throwing someone out of the house for something like this is nuts, as suggested by someone already. It's perfectly normal. That doesn't mean that the parents have to agree with it and I can't blame them from trying to stop it. What follows from here is she'll send photos to strangers. She won't know how old they really are. He photos could end up on the Internet.
They have a tough job ahead of them

professore

Deleted User wrote: »

I'm writing this whilst knowing well in advance I'll have people reaching for the pitch forks...


But is it not a fairly normal thing, no?

At 14 years old sex is probably the only thing people are thinking about. Bragging to their friends, thinking they're class etc. (even though they've most likely never actually had sex, but let on like they have to be oh so cool etc.)

If she's living quite a rural life, and she's messaging randomers, is it not likely that she's just getting a bit of a kick out of 'talking dirty' to someone, with no actual plan of ever doing anything.

Talking sh*te on her phone is most likely just the equivalent of talking sh*te in person from 20 years ago.

When I was a bit younger, back in the MSN days (ah, memories) I remember having plenty of fairly explicit chats, but if anyone i was talking to actually offered to call around to my house for sexy times, I'd most likely have been hiding under the table in the kitchen.


I think it's just teens being teens. Could be at a lot worse. (mind you, if it's at the stage where she's sending nudey pictures of herself to people or that kinda thing, then perhaps it's intervention time alright, but otherwise if she's just talking nonsense, I don't think I'd be overly concerned).



Righty oh.. time for my boards beating.. go easy on me, no hitting the face!

I'm a dad to a 12 year old and a 19 year old daughter and I agree with you 100%. You can't stop them doing this stuff, you can only let them know what you think about it in a non-judgemental way and explain to them the consequences if someone gets hold of these nude pics, same as if they get hammered drunk at 12 (It's extremely common despite what you think) what can happen to them - and I can't wave a magic wand and make it go away. Teach them that actions have consequences. That they can do what the hell they want but they have to live with the consequences. Trying to stop them is a waste of time and makes it more attractive.

My 19 year old is past that stage and she tells me horror stories of stuff she has seen, especially with parents who locked down everything. The "my son/daughter would never do that" brigade. Those kids went crazy when they did go out. Some of them have STDs now.

Sham Squire

Banning phones, shutting off internet and punishments are not gonna do anything to address the issue. Unfortunately the culture your daughter is growing up in and her personality/nature have resulted in a highly sexualised young girl. That's the root issue here and everything else is trying to put the genie back in the bottle or shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted.

Hard as it will be; you're gonna have to put a lot of trust in her, support her, and educate her as best you can to look after herself. You can control what goes on under your own roof but outside of that she'll find ways to do what she wants. Might be an idea to expose her to a different teen culture than the one she is surrounded by. Summer is coming and something like Gaeltacht (I know! could make things even worse, lol) or some kind of summer camp where she'll be forced to mix with kids her own age from other areas/cultures might help.

She's not coming up with all of this stuff herself, it's obviously a social norm among her peer group. Only way to maybe modify that behaviour is to have her mix with other kids her age that don't find it normal to send strange guys sexts or pics of themselves.

sunny2004

Some of the advice here is laughable and from the dark ages..

Well it would be laughable if there wasnt a father and young daughter mixed into it all.

I don't have the answers and I can assure you if you are looking for a definitive answer on boards you are wasting your time.

What I can say is this, your daughter needs to respect you and your wife and be mindful of any risks or upset her actions are causing you both..

Good luck with seeking out what works for you guys.

Senna

I have a niece aged 11 and her parents have been trying to hold off on her getting a smart phone for at-least a year, there is no way she will not have a phone by 14. I really dont think 14 is too young for a smart phone, 11 might be.

I agree that this needs to be handled correctly, discussing it with the girl as an adult, giving her the info and hopefully she will make good choices. But some controls are also good, wifi off at bedtime, I think this can be set to be device specific. Maybe limiting some apps also (i wouldnt know which apps).

Squeeonline

Borrow the phone and pretend to take it to a specialist. Tell her you've done that and they've installed invisible spyware that sends a copy of everything to you. You can monitor all activity on the phone.

It's been possible for years - This recent episode of a Vice podcast really showed that. http://pca.st/0BaD

Or get some actually software to monitor the phone. She'll think twice about sending photos/texts if she knows her parents will see it.

Having an unmonitored smartphone is a privilege she must earn again.

Senna

Squeeonline wrote: »

Borrow the phone and pretend to take it to a specialist. Tell her you've done that and they've installed invisible spyware that sends a copy of everything to you. You can monitor all activity on the phone.

It's been possible for years - This recent episode of a Vice podcast really showed that. http://pca.st/0BaD

Or get some actually software to monitor the phone. She'll think twice about sending photos/texts if she knows her parents will see it.

Having an unmonitored smartphone is a privilege she must earn again.

Then all is has to do is get another smartphone, she's 14, not 4. Flat bans and checking her phone everyday will only lead to her finding another method to continue doing what she is doing.

BUBBLES1978

google a video that was shown by the police in England where a young teenage girl was groomed and met with a guy viciously raped and murdered.

its time to get tough with her show her as many graphic stories and images of what could happen if she meets with the wrong person.

I am all for young adults exploring their bodies and their sexual orientation but shes taking this too far.

young lads wont have any respect if she keeps sending these pictures no matter how many of her friends are doing the same.

this will ruin her self esteem in the long run and she needs to be warned that once these pictures or chats are out there they can be screen grabbed and used any where on the internet

Ash.J.Williams

aivarss wrote: »

Any serious advice?? Now days to live without net is impossible especially if you live in countryside, where is no friends around and so

Life without internet would be amazing. She'd thank you for it later.

BoatMad

as a dad now of grown up daughters

firstly 14 is when girls especially " go mad" , its the moist dangerous year, they all full of hormones, more " mature " then boys and are discovering the power of their sexuality without the wisdom that goes with that power. after a few years that wisdom build and this "risqu?" behaviour tones down

banning and restricting isnt going too work, after all her " value" system is such that she sees it as acceptable

All you can do is explain the dangers, remind her that everything on the net will be there forever and try and help her adjust her value system. You also need to look at why her self esteem is such that she believes this behaviour is acceptable

You also need to examine your own values, have you been overly restrictive , is this a " rebellion " , a cry for help etc

ignore all the advice that says " lock them /it up" etc , thats pony has well and truly bolted . Denying the existence of the Internet is also doubly stupid

remember She is your child and you love her, help her

BoatMad

Ash.J.Williams wrote: »

Life without internet would be amazing. She'd thank you for it later.

sheesh , its like saying we should go back to candles too

neonman

Sign up to https://www.opendns.com/home-internet-security/ it is really easy to setup. It will block porn sites and you can also block social media sites and more. This is a good option if you don't to shut off the wifi in the house totally.

If she has a mobile phone with 3G/4G and you are paying for it, you can ring your mobile operator and get them to put on a content filter so it also blocks such sites.

Don't allow her to take the phone to bed each night and let her know that you will be checking her phone every night for sexting and any other bad stuff.

Daledge

neonman wrote: »

Don't allow her to take the phone to bed each night and let her know that you will be checking her phone every night for sexting and any other bad stuff.

This is terrible, terrible advice.

How can you expect someone to confide in you and trust you if you don't do the same? Checking someones phone on a regular basis is just an invasion of privacy and will only end up in creating a hostile environment.

Why bother turning this into a battle?

I know personally when I was growing up, which wasn't too long ago, I would be absolutely fuming if I caught my parents checking my phone or opening my mail. I was one of the boring kids, I had absolutely nothing to hide yet my parents trusted me anyway. As a result, I tell them absolutely everything that goes on my life because there's a mutual level of trust.

If they had done what you're suggesting I'd talk about my problems elsewhere, or else I'd just end up bottling up. After all, if you can't trust your own parents who can you trust?

BoatMad

neonman wrote: »

Sign up to https://www.opendns.com/home-internet-security/ it is really easy to setup. It will block porn sites and you can also block social media sites and more. This is a good option if you don't to shut off the wifi in the house totally.

If she has a mobile phone with 3G/4G and you are paying for it, you can ring your mobile operator and get them to put on a content filter so it also blocks such sites.

Don't allow her to take the phone to bed each night and let her know that you will be checking her phone every night for sexting and any other bad stuff.

This is all nonsense , and likely to drive her further into dangerous behaviour , stop dealing with the "symptoms" and deal with the "disease" , which is the value system underlying this activity

any other bad stuff.

oooh, warning a teenager about " bad stuff " , whats this, the 1930s

silverharp

We have gone down the route of conversation and not limiting or aggressive snooping . we have my son's password to his phone (he is 12) otherwise just reminder conversations that anything you do either on the net on or phone can come back to bite you at some stage.

Im toying with the idea of having the broadband switch off at night automatically in case its affecting sleep. its difficult to enforce the "leave gadgets downstairs" rule