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Teen Sexting

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    #32
    Framed10
    Registered Users Posts: 240 ✭✭Framed10


    http://www.thejournal.ie/readme/sexting-cyberbullying-ireland-1342011-Mar2014/

    a very useful article and some links for advice.
    Dr Griffin comes to schools to chat about this. She is excellent and has worked with some interesting people.Maybe ask the guidance counselors in school to arrange a school visit.

    Trend Micro also do internet safety for school kids. maybe see if they can come chat to the students. a whole school approach is needed too.
    http://www.trendmicro.ie/home/internet-safety-for-kids/

    https://www.mgmstraining.ie/ you might get some contacts here, Dr Griffins website

    webwise.ie, also a useful website


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    #33
    freshpopcorn
    Registered Users Posts: 30,340 ✭✭✭✭freshpopcorn


    Hi OP,
    I'm not a parent but I would have grown up with basic phones when I'd have being around ten and Camera phones from about twelve or so plus. Smart phones/blackberries weren't really big until we were around 17.
    Regarding social media they'd have being Bebo from about 12 plus and Facebook from when we were 17
    In my experience certain teens feel into this sending nude pics things and not matter what their parents did it had little effect.
    Take their phones off them they just borrewed their friends. Same with the net no matter what type of web security they had they generally were able to break it or just used friends internet/public library/school internet(which blocked websites can easily be hacked)
    Even today I see parents who think they've all their teens accounts monitored and their tutting at other people's parenting and their own teens are running rings around them.
    The only thing I saw a having an effect on people who were into this was getting a fright off meeting somebody who they didn't expect or something going wrong with a picture.
    You should ask you daughter how'd she feel if her little siblings/cousins were sending pictures to weird strangers and arangeing to meet up with them and ask her how'd she feel then?
    You could talk to the school about the issue and get to to have a chat in SPHE with the class.


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    #34
    jimbob_t1
    Registered Users Posts: 13 ✭jimbob_t1


    We got an Ikydz box for our house and it limits access to certain apps or websites as we have selected them. Can schedule times that they wifi access too. We have a boy and a girl and it works on the games console as well as phone and tablets. We got it in N17 in Galway


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    #35
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 14,344 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    I'm writing this whilst knowing well in advance I'll have people reaching for the pitch forks...


    But is it not a fairly normal thing, no?

    At 14 years old sex is probably the only thing people are thinking about. Bragging to their friends, thinking they're class etc. (even though they've most likely never actually had sex, but let on like they have to be oh so cool etc.)

    If she's living quite a rural life, and she's messaging randomers, is it not likely that she's just getting a bit of a kick out of 'talking dirty' to someone, with no actual plan of ever doing anything.

    Talking sh*te on her phone is most likely just the equivalent of talking sh*te in person from 20 years ago.

    When I was a bit younger, back in the MSN days (ah, memories) I remember having plenty of fairly explicit chats, but if anyone i was talking to actually offered to call around to my house for sexy times, I'd most likely have been hiding under the table in the kitchen.


    I think it's just teens being teens. Could be at a lot worse. (mind you, if it's at the stage where she's sending nudey pictures of herself to people or that kinda thing, then perhaps it's intervention time alright, but otherwise if she's just talking nonsense, I don't think I'd be overly concerned).



    Righty oh.. time for my boards beating.. go easy on me, no hitting the face! :D


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    #36
    Daledge
    Registered Users Posts: 297 ✭✭Daledge


    jameorahiely wrote: »
    I don't need to say it if they demonstrate it.

    Teenagers always think they know it all. It's only when they mature they realise how daft they were.

    Same can be said for adults.


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    #37
    Sleeper12
    Registered Users Posts: 16,955 ✭✭✭✭Sleeper12


    Deleted User wrote:
    But is it not a fairly normal thing, no?


    It's perfectly normal. Most of the posters here, their teenagers are doing it too. Throwing someone out of the house for something like this is nuts, as suggested by someone already. It's perfectly normal. That doesn't mean that the parents have to agree with it and I can't blame them from trying to stop it. What follows from here is she'll send photos to strangers. She won't know how old they really are. He photos could end up on the Internet.
    They have a tough job ahead of them


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    #38
    professore
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,857 ✭✭✭professore


    Deleted User wrote: »
    I'm writing this whilst knowing well in advance I'll have people reaching for the pitch forks...


    But is it not a fairly normal thing, no?

    At 14 years old sex is probably the only thing people are thinking about. Bragging to their friends, thinking they're class etc. (even though they've most likely never actually had sex, but let on like they have to be oh so cool etc.)

    If she's living quite a rural life, and she's messaging randomers, is it not likely that she's just getting a bit of a kick out of 'talking dirty' to someone, with no actual plan of ever doing anything.

    Talking sh*te on her phone is most likely just the equivalent of talking sh*te in person from 20 years ago.

    When I was a bit younger, back in the MSN days (ah, memories) I remember having plenty of fairly explicit chats, but if anyone i was talking to actually offered to call around to my house for sexy times, I'd most likely have been hiding under the table in the kitchen.


    I think it's just teens being teens. Could be at a lot worse. (mind you, if it's at the stage where she's sending nudey pictures of herself to people or that kinda thing, then perhaps it's intervention time alright, but otherwise if she's just talking nonsense, I don't think I'd be overly concerned).



    Righty oh.. time for my boards beating.. go easy on me, no hitting the face! :D

    I'm a dad to a 12 year old and a 19 year old daughter and I agree with you 100%. You can't stop them doing this stuff, you can only let them know what you think about it in a non-judgemental way and explain to them the consequences if someone gets hold of these nude pics, same as if they get hammered drunk at 12 (It's extremely common despite what you think) what can happen to them - and I can't wave a magic wand and make it go away. Teach them that actions have consequences. That they can do what the hell they want but they have to live with the consequences. Trying to stop them is a waste of time and makes it more attractive.

    My 19 year old is past that stage and she tells me horror stories of stuff she has seen, especially with parents who locked down everything. The "my son/daughter would never do that" brigade. Those kids went crazy when they did go out. Some of them have STDs now.


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    #39
    Sham Squire
    Registered Users Posts: 501 ✭✭✭Sham Squire


    Banning phones, shutting off internet and punishments are not gonna do anything to address the issue. Unfortunately the culture your daughter is growing up in and her personality/nature have resulted in a highly sexualised young girl. That's the root issue here and everything else is trying to put the genie back in the bottle or shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted.

    Hard as it will be; you're gonna have to put a lot of trust in her, support her, and educate her as best you can to look after herself. You can control what goes on under your own roof but outside of that she'll find ways to do what she wants. Might be an idea to expose her to a different teen culture than the one she is surrounded by. Summer is coming and something like Gaeltacht (I know! could make things even worse, lol) or some kind of summer camp where she'll be forced to mix with kids her own age from other areas/cultures might help.

    She's not coming up with all of this stuff herself, it's obviously a social norm among her peer group. Only way to maybe modify that behaviour is to have her mix with other kids her age that don't find it normal to send strange guys sexts or pics of themselves.


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    #40
    sunny2004
    Registered Users Posts: 2,538 ✭✭✭sunny2004


    Some of the advice here is laughable and from the dark ages..

    Well it would be laughable if there wasnt a father and young daughter mixed into it all.

    I don't have the answers and I can assure you if you are looking for a definitive answer on boards you are wasting your time.

    What I can say is this, your daughter needs to respect you and your wife and be mindful of any risks or upset her actions are causing you both..

    Good luck with seeking out what works for you guys.


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    #41
    Senna
    Registered Users Posts: 8,800 ✭✭✭Senna


    I have a niece aged 11 and her parents have been trying to hold off on her getting a smart phone for at-least a year, there is no way she will not have a phone by 14. I really dont think 14 is too young for a smart phone, 11 might be.

    I agree that this needs to be handled correctly, discussing it with the girl as an adult, giving her the info and hopefully she will make good choices. But some controls are also good, wifi off at bedtime, I think this can be set to be device specific. Maybe limiting some apps also (i wouldnt know which apps).


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    #42
    Squeeonline
    Registered Users Posts: 2,555 ✭✭✭Squeeonline


    Borrow the phone and pretend to take it to a specialist. Tell her you've done that and they've installed invisible spyware that sends a copy of everything to you. You can monitor all activity on the phone.

    It's been possible for years - This recent episode of a Vice podcast really showed that. http://pca.st/0BaD

    Or get some actually software to monitor the phone. She'll think twice about sending photos/texts if she knows her parents will see it.

    Having an unmonitored smartphone is a privilege she must earn again.


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    #43
    Senna
    Registered Users Posts: 8,800 ✭✭✭Senna


    Squeeonline wrote: »
    Borrow the phone and pretend to take it to a specialist. Tell her you've done that and they've installed invisible spyware that sends a copy of everything to you. You can monitor all activity on the phone.

    It's been possible for years - This recent episode of a Vice podcast really showed that. http://pca.st/0BaD

    Or get some actually software to monitor the phone. She'll think twice about sending photos/texts if she knows her parents will see it.

    Having an unmonitored smartphone is a privilege she must earn again.

    Then all is has to do is get another smartphone, she's 14, not 4. Flat bans and checking her phone everyday will only lead to her finding another method to continue doing what she is doing.


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    #44
    BUBBLES1978
    Registered Users Posts: 383 ✭✭BUBBLES1978


    google a video that was shown by the police in England where a young teenage girl was groomed and met with a guy viciously raped and murdered.

    its time to get tough with her show her as many graphic stories and images of what could happen if she meets with the wrong person.

    I am all for young adults exploring their bodies and their sexual orientation but shes taking this too far.

    young lads wont have any respect if she keeps sending these pictures no matter how many of her friends are doing the same.

    this will ruin her self esteem in the long run and she needs to be warned that once these pictures or chats are out there they can be screen grabbed and used any where on the internet


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    #45
    Ash.J.Williams
    Registered Users Posts: 20,929 ✭✭✭✭Ash.J.Williams


    aivarss wrote: »
    Any serious advice?? Now days to live without net is impossible especially if you live in countryside, where is no friends around and so

    Life without internet would be amazing. She'd thank you for it later.


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    #46
    BoatMad
    Registered Users Posts: 13,702 ✭✭✭✭BoatMad


    as a dad now of grown up daughters

    firstly 14 is when girls especially " go mad" , its the moist dangerous year, they all full of hormones, more " mature " then boys and are discovering the power of their sexuality without the wisdom that goes with that power. after a few years that wisdom build and this "risqu?" behaviour tones down

    banning and restricting isnt going too work, after all her " value" system is such that she sees it as acceptable

    All you can do is explain the dangers, remind her that everything on the net will be there forever and try and help her adjust her value system. You also need to look at why her self esteem is such that she believes this behaviour is acceptable

    You also need to examine your own values, have you been overly restrictive , is this a " rebellion " , a cry for help etc

    ignore all the advice that says " lock them /it up" etc , thats pony has well and truly bolted . Denying the existence of the Internet is also doubly stupid

    remember She is your child and you love her, help her


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    #47
    BoatMad
    Registered Users Posts: 13,702 ✭✭✭✭BoatMad


    Ash.J.Williams wrote: »
    Life without internet would be amazing. She'd thank you for it later.

    sheesh , its like saying we should go back to candles too


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    #48
    neonman
    Registered Users Posts: 584 ✭✭✭neonman


    Sign up to https://www.opendns.com/home-internet-security/ it is really easy to setup. It will block porn sites and you can also block social media sites and more. This is a good option if you don't to shut off the wifi in the house totally.

    If she has a mobile phone with 3G/4G and you are paying for it, you can ring your mobile operator and get them to put on a content filter so it also blocks such sites.

    Don't allow her to take the phone to bed each night and let her know that you will be checking her phone every night for sexting and any other bad stuff.


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    #49
    Daledge
    Registered Users Posts: 297 ✭✭Daledge


    neonman wrote: »
    Don't allow her to take the phone to bed each night and let her know that you will be checking her phone every night for sexting and any other bad stuff.

    This is terrible, terrible advice.

    How can you expect someone to confide in you and trust you if you don't do the same? Checking someones phone on a regular basis is just an invasion of privacy and will only end up in creating a hostile environment.

    Why bother turning this into a battle?

    I know personally when I was growing up, which wasn't too long ago, I would be absolutely fuming if I caught my parents checking my phone or opening my mail. I was one of the boring kids, I had absolutely nothing to hide yet my parents trusted me anyway. As a result, I tell them absolutely everything that goes on my life because there's a mutual level of trust.

    If they had done what you're suggesting I'd talk about my problems elsewhere, or else I'd just end up bottling up. After all, if you can't trust your own parents who can you trust?


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    #50
    BoatMad
    Registered Users Posts: 13,702 ✭✭✭✭BoatMad


    neonman wrote: »
    Sign up to https://www.opendns.com/home-internet-security/ it is really easy to setup. It will block porn sites and you can also block social media sites and more. This is a good option if you don't to shut off the wifi in the house totally.

    If she has a mobile phone with 3G/4G and you are paying for it, you can ring your mobile operator and get them to put on a content filter so it also blocks such sites.

    Don't allow her to take the phone to bed each night and let her know that you will be checking her phone every night for sexting and any other bad stuff.

    This is all nonsense , and likely to drive her further into dangerous behaviour , stop dealing with the "symptoms" and deal with the "disease" , which is the value system underlying this activity
    any other bad stuff.

    oooh, warning a teenager about " bad stuff " , whats this, the 1930s


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    #51
    silverharp
    Registered Users Posts: 17,849 ✭✭✭✭silverharp


    We have gone down the route of conversation and not limiting or aggressive snooping . we have my son's password to his phone (he is 12) otherwise just reminder conversations that anything you do either on the net on or phone can come back to bite you at some stage.

    Im toying with the idea of having the broadband switch off at night automatically in case its affecting sleep. its difficult to enforce the "leave gadgets downstairs" rule

    A belief in gender identity involves a level of faith as there is nothing tangible to prove its existence which, as something divorced from the physical body, is similar to the idea of a soul. - Colette Colfer



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    #52
    BoatMad
    Registered Users Posts: 13,702 ✭✭✭✭BoatMad


    silverharp wrote: »
    Im toying with the idea of having the broadband switch off at night automatically in case its affecting sleep. its difficult to enforce the "leave gadgets downstairs" rule

    goodness, I remember reading till all hours with a torch , thank god the parents didnt try to remove electricity


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    #53
    neonman
    Registered Users Posts: 584 ✭✭✭neonman


    BoatMad wrote: »
    This is all nonsense , and likely to drive her further into dangerous behaviour , stop dealing with the "symptoms" and deal with the "disease" , which is the value system underlying this activity



    oooh, warning a teenager about " bad stuff " , whats this, the 1930s

    I don't think blocking sites like porn is nonsense? Maybe you're fine with your children having access to these sites, you have a duty as a parent to keep your children safe online.

    Only making suggestions no need to be condescending.


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    #54
    ash23
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,791 ✭✭✭ash23


    OP every child is different. So you need to find what works for yours. I can completely see why you are not happy that your 14 year old child is sending provocative messages to strangers.

    For my 14 year we have a constant dialogue about internet safety and whenever something comes up online I'll share it with her or tag her in it. We discuss the possible consequences of sexting and what may or may not happen if she decides to send pictures of herself to boys.
    I have her passwords, it's one of the conditions of her having a phone but I don't often check her phone and I have yet to see anything on it that would concern me.
    As it stands she is very very open with me about things, from boys to asking me about sex and I try to treat her like an equal when it comes to discussion but all the same, she knows who is boss in the house too.

    It's a very difficult balance to get right and we're only in the early days of 14 so who knows what i might be saying in a year or two years. So far, the approach is working so I'll carry on.
    There's lots of information out there on internet safety for kids so maybe look up some and then sit down and talk to your daughter about the possible consequences.


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    #55
    BoatMad
    Registered Users Posts: 13,702 ✭✭✭✭BoatMad


    I don't think blocking sites like porn is nonsense? Maybe you're fine with your children having access to these sites, you have a duty as a parent to keep your children safe online.

    lets try and move away from the fact that sex is "bad" , of all the things teenagers ( and adults ) can do , including drugs, violence, alcohol abuse, smoking etc, sex is the lest worrisome in my opinion

    as for " access to porn " can you really stop that , kids will find a way once their peers are doing it, some will go further then others

    warning teenagers about " bad stuff" is an open invitation to get them to try it because you are simply expressing your moral code to them . at that age they are trying to form their own and are not interested in your views.

    The key is to try and influence their behaviour provide them with wise perspectives on risky behaviour. The time to start is before they are swept up in the peer pressure to conform,

    Children need to be empowered to resist peer pressure, thats means being brought up in a confident environment , where their views are listened to and they are not preached at.


    IN the end , should a teenager decide to do something, there is not a lot you can do to stop it, they will find a way , Better that , their value system acts as a brake on the worst excesses

    in the end they'll grow out of it, be careful of people advocating " moral panics "


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    #56
    BoatMad
    Registered Users Posts: 13,702 ✭✭✭✭BoatMad


    ash23 wrote: »
    OP every child is different. So you need to find what works for yours. I can completely see why you are not happy that your 14 year old child is sending provocative messages to strangers.

    For my 14 year we have a constant dialogue about internet safety and whenever something comes up online I'll share it with her or tag her in it. We discuss the possible consequences of sexting and what may or may not happen if she decides to send pictures of herself to boys.
    I have her passwords, it's one of the conditions of her having a phone but I don't often check her phone and I have yet to see anything on it that would concern me.
    As it stands she is very very open with me about things, from boys to asking me about sex and I try to treat her like an equal when it comes to discussion but all the same, she knows who is boss in the house too.

    It's a very difficult balance to get right and we're only in the early days of 14 so who knows what i might be saying in a year or two years. So far, the approach is working so I'll carry on.
    There's lots of information out there on internet safety for kids so maybe look up some and then sit down and talk to your daughter about the possible consequences.

    +1, excellant


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    #57
    silverharp
    Registered Users Posts: 17,849 ✭✭✭✭silverharp


    BoatMad wrote: »
    goodness, I remember reading till all hours with a torch , thank god the parents didnt try to remove electricity

    :pac: that's an acceptable reason for sacrificing sleep. the net on the other hand will still be there next day

    A belief in gender identity involves a level of faith as there is nothing tangible to prove its existence which, as something divorced from the physical body, is similar to the idea of a soul. - Colette Colfer



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    #58
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I empathise with you. You must be worried sick. As parents our way of protecting our daughter is to take away her phone but we have to accept their phone is their life and taking it away is not an option. If you do that what will you do if she takes drugs you cant remove drugs from the entire world? We must equip them with the 'adult' skills to manage incidents like this and evaluate risks and make choices.

    Pieta house offer great free counselling to teens . if they are resorting to porn sites at this age they will have very low self esteem. Pieta House did wonders for my teen. I cant recommend them highly enough

    Theres a great book on amazon called brave girls by Stacy Radin that deal with the sexploitation of young girls by media. While its not specifically about porn it gives really good advice on raising a brave fearless talented daughter who evaluates risks, not a skinny bronzed scantily clad kylie jenner lookalike that the media tell us they should all look like.


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    #59
    BoatMad
    Registered Users Posts: 13,702 ✭✭✭✭BoatMad


    silverharp wrote: »
    :pac: that's an acceptable reason for sacrificing sleep. the net on the other hand will still be there next day

    as will be the book, but to a teen thats not the point


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    #60
    AlanG
    Registered Users Posts: 1,417 ✭✭✭AlanG


    Op - talk about the consequences of the behavior. Look up and talk about a load of cases of grooming, revenge porn and rape that have come out of this behavior - if she is uncomfortable talking about it then it really shows that she is not mature enough to be doing this yet.
    If you are paying her bills you could buy and put a tracker app on her phone but it is best to let her know.

    Lastly if at all possible get her to babysit a 1 or 2 year old for a whole weekend - don't help her other than keeping the child safe. Let her get up in the night, change all the dirty nappies and feed the baby. Do not help out at all. To make it even better throw a 3 year old into the mix. That will be the best lesson you can give her.


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    #61
    BoatMad
    Registered Users Posts: 13,702 ✭✭✭✭BoatMad


    AlanG wrote: »
    Op - talk about the consequences of the behavior. Look up and talk about a load of cases of grooming, revenge porn and rape that have come out of this behavior - if she is uncomfortable talking about it then it really shows that she is not mature enough to be doing this yet.
    If you are paying her bills you could buy and put a tracker app on her phone but it is best to let her know.

    Lastly if at all possible get her to babysit a 1 or 2 year old for a whole weekend - don't help her other than keeping the child safe. Let her get up in the night, change all the dirty nappies and feed the baby. Do not help out at all. To make it even better throw a 3 year old into the mix. That will be the best lesson you can give her.

    OMG, there is no much there that is so totally objectionable, Teens needs to be made aware of the general consequences of risky activity , but to try and frighten the wits out of a person , with such graphic description is so wrong and likely to regarded by your teen as completely over the top, and smacks of the " moral panic " argument, . it entirely like the failed approach on sex education , that trys to equate sex with disease

    Sexting is not about grooming or revenge porn or any thing else, its largely a peer pressure thing and is a minority activity ( based on my schools findings) In girls its often associated with low self esteem and hence a desire to be " popular"

    as to what the babysit point is I fail to understand . is it some sort of hard work makes you virtuous type of nonsense


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