Commitments issues vs Manchild??

ProfProton

anna080 wrote: »

Has he always lived at home or has he moved back due to a bad turn of events? If he has never lived out of home and is in debt I would be hearing alarms ringing and seeing red flags waving all over the place. But if, due to unforeseen circumstances he got himself into debt and then had to move back home, well that's slightly less concerning.
It still doesn't explain why he is insisting on living on his own before living with you though.

Looks like big big red flags so....

Yeah I can understand he's desire for a bit of independence before settling down but pull your finger out!!!

Ursus Horribilis

Did he ever live away from home?

ProfProton

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Did he ever live away from home?

Nope...

He's also had quite a few long term relationships without them ever materialising into any commitment...hmmm....

Ursus Horribilis

I'd say if you had a chat with any of his exes, you'd find it enlightening....

ProfProton

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I'd say if you had a chat with any of his exes, you'd find it enlightening....

I think that's what I'm afraid of!!

retro:electro

ProfProton wrote: »

Nope...

He's also had quite a few long term relationships without them ever materialising into any commitment...hmmm....

Time to call it a day, op.

batmanrobin

He's 37. He's never going to change. Look at actions, not words.

Also, if he lives with you for 5 years (no kids) he'll have rights under statutory law in relation to your property. You can't contract beyond the law, so any contract that says he had no rights would be null and void.

I understand that you love him and have been together 2 years, but try and be as objective as you can about this. I'd be inclined to tell you to not waste anymore time with this guy.

Ursus Horribilis

ProfProton wrote: »

He's also had quite a few long term relationships without them ever materialising into any commitment...hmmm....

This is like Groundhog Day for your boyfriend. My guess is that you are the latest in a line of women who've got very similar stories to tell. Lovely fella, great laughs. But....

What's telling here is that he has learned nothing from any of these break-ups. I doubt there's a person on the planet who hasn't done a lot of thinking about their relationship when it ends. Why it went wrong. What they should or shouldn't have done. What they could've done differently. Either this guy isn't very good at self-reflection or he's far too set in his ways to change at all. He has seen all these relationships come and go and it doesn't appear to have perturbed him greatly. As Einstein said "“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results”.

bucketybuck

ProfProton wrote: »

Yeah he'd be great like that in fairness and he's sorted out so much stuff like that already-even for my parents!!

So he can do things and sort things when he wants to...

Thats almost worse, it makes it intentional that he won't sort things out for you.

littlevillage wrote: »

Would the guy in question here, be a bit "out of your league" by any chance ?

I assume you mean looks, but a grown man hanging on his mammys tit isn't out of anybodys league.

ProfProton

bucketybuck wrote: »

I assume you mean looks, but a grown man hanging on his mammys tit isn't out of anybodys league.

That just gave me a much needed LOL moment!!!

Parchment

You know the answer yourself - you wouldnt be posting here otherwise.

Guffy

Why is he in debt? Mid 30's living at home. Where's his money going? Random enough thought but..... is there a gambling problem?

Colser

Parchment wrote: »

You know the answer yourself - you wouldnt be posting here otherwise.

I agree with this...it's so tough to finish it but you know it really won't work.

What man of 37 wouldn't jump at the chance of moving in with someone he intends to stay with long-term (and pay his way) if given the opportunity?It doesn't make sense that he wants to live independently now but hasn't all through the years...how is he going to fund that?

He's always going to live the single life imo and while he may love you he probably wouldn't be overly heartbroken if you split up as he will find someone else to go with until they want to settle down and continue the pattern.

It's going to be hard to do it OP so be sure that you mean it if you break up with him,don't keep going back to him or anything like that or you will wreck your head...make a decision and stick with it.Good luck.

silverharp

its easy enough I guess to use all the standard arguments against him , all things being equal his parent/s have given him the bones of a 100K subsidy since his 20's so he should be more "sorted". However there isnt a financial hill a beans between the 2 people, one has some consumer/car debt (Ill assume) and the op has what 20K? or 30K saved? big swing. Does he have a steady income, is he working at something where he will get promoted or can go self employed at some stage? has he ever mentioned kids himself?

ProfProton

silverharp wrote: »

its easy enough I guess to use all the standard arguments against him , all things being equal his parent/s have given him the bones of a 100K subsidy since his 20's so he should be more "sorted". However there isnt a financial hill a beans between the 2 people, one has some consumer/car debt (Ill assume) and the op has what 20K? or 30K saved? big swing. Does he have a steady income, is he working at something where he will get promoted or can go self employed at some stage? has he ever mentioned kids himself?

Yeah he's a good job (though unskilled he has worked his way up through a company). He does pay significant rent at home (100/week) but I'm paying twice that and bills and have 40k saved? But then again i do have more earning power!! Yes he's mentioned kids from our first date-he seems more definite about that than other things! I do think men don't feel that urgency of a big ticking clock in that respect!!

ProfProton

Colser wrote: »

I agree with this...it's so tough to finish it but you know it really won't work.

What man of 37 wouldn't jump at the chance of moving in with someone he intends to stay with long-term (and pay his way) if given the opportunity?It doesn't make sense that he wants to live independently now but hasn't all through the years...how is he going to fund that?

He's always going to live the single life imo and while he may love you he probably wouldn't be overly heartbroken if you split up as he will find someone else to go with until they want to settle down and continue the pattern.

It's going to be hard to do it OP so be sure that you mean it if you break up with him,don't keep going back to him or anything like that or you will wreck your head...make a decision and stick with it.Good luck.

Thank you...I am a kind who makes takes a long time with a decision but then I know its right and stick to it...or so I hope!!

Ursus Horribilis

Colser wrote: »

He's always going to live the single life imo and while he may love you he probably wouldn't be overly heartbroken if you split up as he will find someone else to go with until they want to settle down and continue the pattern.

Pattern is the operative word here. This guy has no trouble finding girlfriends and keeping relationships going with them. He obviously enjoys being in a relationship but only to a certain point.

He's all talk and no action. He never bought the mythical house because he enjoyed his 20s. He's talking about moving out of home but has never done so over the course of the last 20 years. For all we know, these "kids" he speaks of are as vague as the house and moving out. The right noises to make but nothing he has any practical plans to do something about.

Ursus Horribilis

Ah, our posts crossed but I agree with you. I think this guy has been at this point many times before and will be again.

LushiousLips

In some ways you both seem very different. You are a go-getter, put yourself through college, saved 40k (wow). Wants a plan for your life and future. Whereas he just seems to flutter along in life, pi*sing his money against the wind. Being in debt whilst living at home is concerning. You are not going to change him and believe me if you take a chance on him you will regret it in years to come. Just be thankful you don't have kids together. You deserve better, go get it. Best of luck to you xx

Addle

Does his family have a farm OP?

ProfProton

LushiousLips wrote: »

In some ways you both seem very different. You are a go-getter, put yourself through college, saved 40k (wow). Wants a plan for your life and future. Whereas he just seems to flutter along in life, pi*sing his money against the wind. Being in debt whilst living at home is concerning. You are not going to change him and believe me if you take a chance on him you will regret it in years to come. Just be thankful you don't have kids together. You deserve better, go get it. Best of luck to you xx

I do!! Thank you!!!

ProfProton

Addle wrote: »

Does his family have a farm OP?

No...true blue Dub!! Why?!?

Addle

ProfProton wrote: »

No...true blue Dub!! Why?!?

It might be some excuse if he was helping out on a family farm....

Big Bag of Chips

Is he working full time? In a fairly well paying job? If he takes €400 from his monthly wages and has the rest as disposable income, where does it go? Does he drink a lot? Take drugs? Gamble? Spend his money on travelling the world? A 37 year old man living at home with no savings is a bad sign, if there is no definite specific reason for having no savings. Buying a house and moving in is unlikely to change him. My friend though it might with her boyfriend. Thought having a mortgage would "settle" him. Thought having a child, then a second, would settle him. Thought getting married would settle him. She's now separating from him and listening to varied excuses as to why he can't pay maintenance, or have the kids over for a weekend (no heating etc).

As someone else mentioned, he's had close to 20 years to move out and live independently, it hasn't happened. I know a lot of grown adults in similar circumstances and in reality they have their eye on the house! They're willing to live there for the rest of their parents lives and just wait for the parents to be gone. They see buying their own place or renting as a complete waste of money when they have a perfectly good house lined up!! Some of the people I know have actually admitted this, out loud! Others haven't but you know it's there.

Don't stick with this just because you think you've invested too much time to walk away. Investing even more time in something you know is never going to get better is madness!

cactusgal

OP, one thing I've learned over the years is this:

Don't ever date someone based on their potential. This is who he is. This is who he's been for 37 years. What we do every day is how we live our lives.

He's showing you who he is, right now. If you're happy with this package overall, stick with it. If you're not, and if you find yourself thinking of him based on the potential that he has -seriously, don't waste your time.

34 is still young, believe me!

December2012

I don't think he's taking you for a mug, being vindictive or knowingly stringing you along.

I DO think he has different traits than you. You are very independent and you're actively planning for your future. He appears to be more laid back and go with the flow and is in no rush to do anything

I'm not criticising you for your approach (I'm like that myself).

That being said, if he's in debt how do you expect him to get out of his parents house at all?

The debt could be holding him back.

December2012

double post

ProfProton

Thank you everyone so much for all your advice... Sorry I haven't been consistent in my replies today I've been working a long day! Not one person told me to wait and see or anything of the sort so I know what I need to do...kicking myself for being so naïve and wasting my time but such is life!!

Onwards and upwards....anyone a mortgage broker?? xx

professore

I think it's also possible he has savings but doesn't want to share them with you and is happy with the status quo of seeing you from time to time for a bit of nookie and will run back to mammy if pushed into commitment. He must be an amazing player or be very hot as he sounds like a complete loser.

Yellow pack crisps

He is giving you all the info and you ain't processing it! If he wanted those things in life he would go get them, if he wanted to live with you then he would! The fact is he really doesn't! Nothing wrong with that but you are obviously on different paths. People say a lot without words and sometimes you have to be brave and read them.