Commitments issues vs Manchild??

ProfProton

So I've been with my boyfriend 2 years (I'm 34 he's 37) everything is great, we have such a laugh, he respects me, we just fit together perfectly and for me he's the one. The problem is a lack of commitment on his part. He still lives at home and has been saying he's moving out since we met. I live in a share house. I brought up moving in together about 9 months ago and he said he wasn't ready as he wanted to move out of home for a while first. I totally understood but said do it then because I didn't want to be in the same position in 6 months time. (He hasnt saved, hasnt even looked at a single daft ad) And here we are in the same position! We had another big talk this week after giving him a few days to think about whether he wants to move in with me or call it a day. He's adamant he wants to be with me but wants to move out of home on his own before living with me. I have a house deposit saved and he is in debt so buying together isn't ever an option so I am planning to go ahead and buy and he will move in, or so we've talked about.

Sooooo....I've told him he's got 6 months to get his **** together, move out if he wants but then I will (hopefully) have my house and I want him to move in as was our plan. He just keeps saying yeah yeah I know what I have to do etc (all the same stuff he said 9 months ago).

So basically my question is am I being made a fool out of?? If he loved me would he not want to move in with me, start a life together? And am I going to be 35 and single after wasting 2/3 years on a man who was obviously never going to step up, grow up and commit?? My friends are great because they know how happy he makes me but they've even got to the point of saying he's stringing me along and needs to grow up! Or what advice does anyone who's been in this situation have (on either side) of something that will hit home with him and make him realise what's at stake?? Or something that will make me realise what I need to do... Thank you so much x

uck51js9zml2yt

We can't read tea leaves but be aware that IF he moves in, it's only a few years to him having a claim on your house if you break up as you would be deemed cohabiting.
Do you really want this.

I can't honestly see it arising though!

ProfProton

Braden Purple Hermit wrote: »

We can't read tea leaves but be aware that IF he moves in, it's only a few years to him having a claim on your house if you break up as you would be deemed cohabiting.
Do you really want this.

I can't honestly see it arising though!

Can't see it arising as in can't see him leaving his mammy?? We've talked about it being MY house and having a contract drawn up (have done some research n seems logical/easy)

Augme

He's definitely treating you like a mug tbh.

uck51js9zml2yt

ProfProton wrote: »

Can't see it arising as in can't see him leaving his mammy?? We've talked about it being MY house and having a contract drawn up (have done some research n seems logical/easy)

I think you've answered your own question there.
Time to move on with your life.

bucketybuck

Do not let him move directly from his parents house into a house you have bought! Seriously! Contract or no contract.

This guy sounds like a total waster and unless he demonstrates otherwise you have to assume he will continue to be a waster. Do you really want to find yourself in five years time sick of the sight of this guy who swapped one mammy for another? You have never lived together at all and now you want him to lodge himself in your home?

He is 37 years old and living with his mammy, thats just sad. I know circumstances have forced many people to turn to family but that doesn't seem to be the case here, he just sounds like a waster who has no intention of making an effort.

Do not let him move into your home unless he shows you something, shows you that he can be a ****ing adult.

I suspect you know the answer to your question here, I hope the laughs are worth it now because in ten years time its probably going to end in only one way.

Tandey

He is 37 and pretty much refusing to leave his Mammy's side for a woman he is with for 2 years who seems to be in a very good position in her life.

Do we really need to say what your probably already thinking? Leave him with his Mammy.

ProfProton

bucketybuck wrote: »

I suspect you know the answer to your question here

Seems to be a common response here...says it all??

bucketybuck

ProfProton wrote: »

Seems to be a common response here...says it all??

Its been nine months since you asked him to move in with you, people can decide to start a family and then actually start a family in nine months...

Even if he isn't intentionally stringing you along are you really going to be happy long term with a man who seems to be, for want of a better word, useless?

Ursus Horribilis

Sorry OP but I think it's time to cut your losses on this fella. I'm sure he's lovely in many ways but through his actions here, he doesn't sound like great life partner material. He's 37 years of age and still living with his parents. I get the distinct impression that he has no desire to move out of home either. This despite him having girlfriend. The pair of you are too different in outlook on life, I believe. You've been living in a house-share and despite having to pay rent etc, have saved up enough to buy a house. He's in debt. Why? Is he irresponsible with money? As an aside, money is one of the main causes of relationship break-ups.

At the moment, your relationship is somewhat unbalanced. You're like the mammy while he's the stroppy teenager. This is supposed to be a relationship of equals, not you trying to coax this manchild out of his mammy's house. If he genuinely wanted to move this relationship onto the next level, I don't believe you'd be going through this. Even your plan sounds a bit mammyish if you don't mind me saying. You're the one who's going to do the hard work buy the house while all he has to do is turn up. Though going by his actions so far, I can't see it happening.

You'd also want to be very careful about letting him into your house if you buy one. Contract or no contract, you're on shaky ground legally. If nothing else, you should make yourself aware of the law regarding cohabiting couples. If you're not careful, this fella will have a claim on your house in a few short years.

LaLa2004

37, living at home, no savings... Oh dear!

ProfProton

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Sorry OP but I think it's time to cut your losses on this fella. I'm sure he's lovely in many ways but through his actions here, he doesn't sound like great life partner material. He's 37 years of age and still living with his parents. I get the distinct impression that he has no desire to move out of home either. This despite him having girlfriend. The pair of you are too different in outlook on life, I believe. You've been living in a house-share and despite having to pay rent etc, have saved up enough to buy a house. He's in debt. Why? Is he irresponsible with money? As an aside, money is one of the main causes of relationship break-ups.

At the moment, your relationship is somewhat unbalanced. You're like the mammy while he's the stroppy teenager. This is supposed to be a relationship of equals, not you trying to coax this manchild out of his mammy's house. If he genuinely wanted to move this relationship onto the next level, I don't believe you'd be going through this. Even your plan sounds a bit mammyish if you don't mind me saying. You're the one who's going to do the hard work buy the house while all he has to do is turn up. Though going by his actions so far, I can't see it happening.

You'd also want to be very careful about letting him into your house if you buy one. Contract or no contract, you're on shaky ground legally. If nothing else, you should make yourself aware of the law regarding cohabiting couples. If you're not careful, this fella will have a claim on your house in a few short years.

Don't mind you saying anything at all...I'm so appreciative of you all!!! I have come from a family with nothing put myself through college in the UK and travelled alot-whilst working 60 hr weeks paying rent and saving a deposit...I'm really not going to give it up so easily.... Its funny this side of things didnt seem a factor till you all pointed it out!!

woodchuck

LaLa2004 wrote: »

37, living at home, no savings... Oh dear!

This!! As someone else mentioned, finances are a major reason for breakups. Is there any good reason he's in debt and doesn't have any savings? If not, this is a major issue that needs to be addressed. Do you really want to spend your life with someone who is terrible with money? How could you possible build a future together?

bucketybuck

ProfProton wrote: »

Don't mind you saying anything at all...I'm so appreciative of you all!!! I have come from a family with nothing put myself through college in the UK and travelled alot-whilst working 60 hr weeks paying rent and saving a deposit...I'm really not going to give it up so easily.... Its funny this side of things didnt seem a factor till you all pointed it out!!

Again, think past the laughs you have now and look to the long term, to five or ten years in the future. You seem a very driven person while he appears to be the very opposite, so even if you were living together within the year thats a personality conflict that will only continue to be an issue.

What if you want kids? Will he want to wait a few more years for that too?

Scraggs

He's 37 years old, he's not going to change especially when he has things so good. A girlfriend on the side and I bet his Mum does his washing and cooking for him too. I spent 6years with a guy just like this and I cringe now thinking of how naive I was thinking he could/would change. You've given him ultimatums in the past and it hasn't motivated him so he probably doesn't even see it as a realistic threat now. I think you know already what you want to do but are afraid to take the plunge.

LegacyUser

Your dealing with a manchild. The reality is you worked hard, kept your spending and debits under control and are now in a position to buy a house at 34.
He is living at home at 37 years of age. He is in debit and has no savings and this would be a big red flag to me.

He is quite happy with things as they are. He has realised that if he moves in with you he will have to pay towards your mortgage and half the bills. He knows that it will only be a matter of time before you could be mentioning kids and or marriage.

I would not let him move into the house you buy as I feel that after living with a short period of time your differences will just lead you to braking up with him. Meanwhile your putting him in a position to have a share of the house you saved for and you got a mortgage on.

At this stage I would just say to him long term you and I want different things. I would end things with him now. The reality is that your 32 and if you want a family you need to be a man who is an adult not with a manchild. I know this may not be easy for you as have spent 2 years with him but his lack of action over the past 9 months has shown you what he is really like.

LegacyUser

He's a mammys boy and I'll bet his nanny constantly tells him no one is good enough for him. He's a lazy, needy lump and you seem the exact opposite. I know you've spent two years with him but you can do better. Imagine what a lazy and self centered father and husband he would be Jesus wept

Ursus Horribilis

http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/birth_family_relationships/problems_in_marriages_and_other_relationships/property_rights_and_the_breakdown_of_a_cohabiting_relationship.html I'm sure a good solicitor hired by him would make your contract about as useful as an underwater bicycle.

allym

If he's been living at home all this time and doesn't have savings, what has he spent all his money on? Not that you need to answer that, but think is commitment something you actually want from this man? I think you know you won't get it. It's time to move on and cut your loses.

Please, please don't get caught up in the "I'm X age and have wasted Y number of years so I might as well keep going" thoughts. It's the sunken costs fallacy and you would absolutely be better off calling it a day asap and moving on with your life.

ProfProton

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/birth_family_relationships/problems_in_marriages_and_other_relationships/property_rights_and_the_breakdown_of_a_cohabiting_relationship.html I'm sure a good solicitor hired by him would make your contract about as useful as an underwater bicycle.

God fair play to you-thank you!!! I've had my eyes opened big time on this thread...can't believe I've been so naïve!!!

ProfProton

allym wrote: »

If he's been living at home all this time and doesn't have savings, what has he spent all his money on? Not that you need to answer that, but think is commitment something you actually want from this man? I think you know you won't get it. It's time to move on and cut your loses.

Please, please don't get caught up in the "I'm X age and have wasted Y number of years so I might as well keep going" thoughts. It's the sunken costs fallacy and you would absolutely be better off calling it a day asap and moving on with your life.

I really don't know what he's done with it...motorbikes and pints I suspect 😂 seriously though thank you for voicing my concerns about my age etc...the thoughts of being the only single one again is killing me but better that now than in another X months or Y years!!

Katgurl

Ugh he sounds like a teenager. I work with and love teenagers; their indignation and utter self-obsession is adorable but the whole point is it's only supposed to last for a period of time while they learn how to take off the stabilisers and become an adult.Something about the description of how you both talked, he said he knew what he needed to do and then he did nothing gave me a shiver.

I wouldn't be able to still find him attractive with that behaviour.

And as for his insistence (and your patience around this) that he wants to move out on his own first... Well that's fine and understandable with a 20 year old. But if he's so insistent on being independent why is he still living at home age 37.

Sorry but there is no justification for this. He has no plans for himself. He clearly lacks accountability and ambition. Does he smoke a lot of weed? The only reason I ask is becuase that is the common trait with people I know who behave like this.

As a previous poster said he would make a terrible father. You need someone you can build a nice life with, not just someone who's good craic.

Do not let him move into your house. No way. He's a lazy parasite. Get on with your own life, buy your house, tell him if you want that he is welcome to step up and meet you at your level but you won't be carrying him along.

If a miracle happens and he learns how to adult along his path (does he have a job? His mother would possibly gift him deposit) and you do manage to buy together make sure you are both 50:50 on money, housework etc.

Good luck. You sound like you're a very driven yet compassionate person. It's time to put yourself first. Think honestly about how your future will look with this man and if that is good enough for you.

ProfProton

Katgurl wrote: »

Ugh he sounds like a teenager. I work with and love teenagers; their indignation and utter self-obsession is adorable but the whole point is it's only supposed to last for a period of time while they learn how to take off the stabilisers and become an adult.Something about the description of how you both talked, he said he knew what he needed to do and then he did nothing gave me a shiver.

I wouldn't be able to still find him attractive with that behaviour.

And as for his insistence (and your patience around this) that he wants to move out on his own first... Well that's fine and understandable with a 20 year old. But if he's so insistent on being independent why is he still living at home age 37.

Sorry but there is no justification for this. He has no plans for himself. He clearly lacks accountability and ambition. Does he smoke a lot of weed? The only reason I ask is becuase that is the common trait with people I know who behave like this.

As a previous poster said he would make a terrible father. You need someone you can build a nice life with, not just someone who's good craic.

Do not let him move into your house. No way. He's a lazy parasite. Get on with your own life, buy your house, tell him if you want that he is welcome to step up and meet you at your level but you won't be carrying him along.

If a miracle happens and he learns how to adult along his path (does he have a job? His mother would possibly gift him deposit) and you do manage to buy together make sure you are both 50:50 on money, housework etc.

Good luck. You sound like you're a very driven yet compassionate person. It's time to put yourself first. Think honestly about how your future will look with this man and if that is good enough for you.

No to the weed but I know exactly where your coming from with that comment!! Yes to job but no hope of deposit gift (his parents seem terrible with money as well? But still have their own house and work hard) but I'm getting angrier about the house deposit thing as I always knew my parents weren't in a position to help me so I had to work hard for what I wanted!! I am lucky that I've a profession that's reasonable pay and the option to pick up extra shifts is there! As in I'm working my ass off!! Including as I type this hahaha

littlevillage

OP, just going to approach this from a slightly different angle.

Would the guy in question here, be a bit "out of your league" by any chance ? and maybe just not that interested in anything too serious with you?

A lot of women can be a bit delusional when it comes to knowing their own eligibility score (so to speak) and think they can 'have' just about any man .....regardless of whether he's a ringer for George Clooney or Georgey Porgey.

Is it possible that maybe you secretly fear he'll ditch you? hence you are doing your damnedest to put a halter on him by getting him to move in with you?

From a man's perspective, I often string along chicks that I'm not that into. If they start talking about 'nesting'. Kaboom !!!! Its the Dropkick ðŸ˜

Addle

I wouldn't always have been great at saving myself...
Some people have something other than money to offer when it comes to having a home together.
Would he be good at diy?
My OH has saved us €1000s doing stuff himself around the house and garden that i wouldn't have been able afford myself.

ProfProton

Addle wrote: »

I wouldn't always have been great at saving myself...
Some people have something other than money to offer when it comes to having a home together.
Would he be good at diy?
My OH has saved us €1000s doing stuff himself around the house and garden that i wouldn't have been able afford myself.

Yeah he'd be great like that in fairness and he's sorted out so much stuff like that already-even for my parents!!

ProfProton

littlevillage wrote: »

OP, just going to approach this from a slightly different angle.

Would the guy in question here, be a bit "out of your league" by any chance ? and maybe just not that interested in anything too serious with you?

A lot of women can be a bit delusional when it comes to knowing their own eligibility score (so to speak) and think they can 'have' just about any man .....regardless of whether he's a ringer for George Clooney or Georgey Porgey.

Is it possible that maybe you secretly fear he'll ditch you? hence you are doing your damnedest to put a halter on him by getting him to move in with you?

From a man's perspective, I often string along chicks that I'm not that into. If they start talking about 'nesting'. Kaboom !!!! Its the Dropkick ðŸ˜

No I'm 100% sure he loves me wholeheartedly!

I admire your honesty I just hope you never get strung along yourself!!

Ursus Horribilis

That's good to hear about his handiness about the house. Please don't let this blind you to the other very concerning points raised here. A 37 year old man living at home with his parents and not a penny to his name is a singing, dancing, red flag. It means he has no concept of planning for the future, questionable financial responsibility and perhaps poor impulse control. Many people (including yours truly) would've spent part of our twenties enjoying ourselves. But for most people, you get to a stage where you stop and take stock. This guy never did.

retro:electro

Has he always lived at home or has he moved back due to a bad turn of events? If he has never lived out of home and is in debt I would be hearing alarms ringing and seeing red flags waving all over the place. But if, due to unforeseen circumstances he got himself into debt and then had to move back home, well that's slightly less concerning.
It still doesn't explain why he is insisting on living on his own before living with you though.

ProfProton

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

That's good to hear about his handiness about the house. Please don't let this blind you to the other very concerning points raised here. A 37 year old man living at home with his parents and not a penny to his name is a singing, dancing, red flag. It means he has no concept of planning for the future, questionable financial responsibility and perhaps poor impulse control. Many people (including yours truly) would've spent part of our twenties enjoying ourselves. But for most people, you get to a stage where you stop and take stock. This guy never did.

Yeah I'd of had this mystical house long before I met him if not drank n travelled away my 20s!!! 😂😂😂
You are right though... I don't think he sees beyond the immediate and I'm so the opposite!! I love a plan and a goal!!

Ursus Horribilis

anna080 wrote: »

Has he always lived at home or has he moved back due to a bad turn of events? If he has never lived out of home and is in debt I would be hearing alarms ringing and seeing red flags waving all over the place. But if, due to unforeseen circumstances he got himself into debt and then had to move back home, well that's slightly less concerning.
It still doesn't explain why he is insisting on living on his own before living with you though.

I was going to ask the question about whether he had ever lived away from home. Then I thought, why bother? Even if he did, he has chosen to return to the cocoon of his parent's house.

On that second question you raised, it's coming across to me as a guy who's stalling. Maybe he's afraid of commitment. Or of having to belatedly become an adult if he moves in with the OP. If his parents are still letting him live at home at 37, it would appear that they're not the sort who are going to give him a gentle push or encourage him to move out. OP is very different to that and she's not going to let him rest on his laurels.

ProfProton

anna080 wrote: »

Has he always lived at home or has he moved back due to a bad turn of events? If he has never lived out of home and is in debt I would be hearing alarms ringing and seeing red flags waving all over the place. But if, due to unforeseen circumstances he got himself into debt and then had to move back home, well that's slightly less concerning.
It still doesn't explain why he is insisting on living on his own before living with you though.

Looks like big big red flags so....

Yeah I can understand he's desire for a bit of independence before settling down but pull your finger out!!!

Ursus Horribilis

Did he ever live away from home?

ProfProton

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Did he ever live away from home?

Nope...

He's also had quite a few long term relationships without them ever materialising into any commitment...hmmm....

Ursus Horribilis

I'd say if you had a chat with any of his exes, you'd find it enlightening....

ProfProton

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I'd say if you had a chat with any of his exes, you'd find it enlightening....

I think that's what I'm afraid of!!

retro:electro

ProfProton wrote: »

Nope...

He's also had quite a few long term relationships without them ever materialising into any commitment...hmmm....

Time to call it a day, op.

batmanrobin

He's 37. He's never going to change. Look at actions, not words.

Also, if he lives with you for 5 years (no kids) he'll have rights under statutory law in relation to your property. You can't contract beyond the law, so any contract that says he had no rights would be null and void.

I understand that you love him and have been together 2 years, but try and be as objective as you can about this. I'd be inclined to tell you to not waste anymore time with this guy.

Ursus Horribilis

ProfProton wrote: »

He's also had quite a few long term relationships without them ever materialising into any commitment...hmmm....

This is like Groundhog Day for your boyfriend. My guess is that you are the latest in a line of women who've got very similar stories to tell. Lovely fella, great laughs. But....

What's telling here is that he has learned nothing from any of these break-ups. I doubt there's a person on the planet who hasn't done a lot of thinking about their relationship when it ends. Why it went wrong. What they should or shouldn't have done. What they could've done differently. Either this guy isn't very good at self-reflection or he's far too set in his ways to change at all. He has seen all these relationships come and go and it doesn't appear to have perturbed him greatly. As Einstein said "“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results”.

bucketybuck

ProfProton wrote: »

Yeah he'd be great like that in fairness and he's sorted out so much stuff like that already-even for my parents!!

So he can do things and sort things when he wants to...

Thats almost worse, it makes it intentional that he won't sort things out for you.

littlevillage wrote: »

Would the guy in question here, be a bit "out of your league" by any chance ?

I assume you mean looks, but a grown man hanging on his mammys tit isn't out of anybodys league.

ProfProton

bucketybuck wrote: »

I assume you mean looks, but a grown man hanging on his mammys tit isn't out of anybodys league.

That just gave me a much needed LOL moment!!!

Parchment

You know the answer yourself - you wouldnt be posting here otherwise.

Guffy

Why is he in debt? Mid 30's living at home. Where's his money going? Random enough thought but..... is there a gambling problem?

Colser

Parchment wrote: »

You know the answer yourself - you wouldnt be posting here otherwise.

I agree with this...it's so tough to finish it but you know it really won't work.

What man of 37 wouldn't jump at the chance of moving in with someone he intends to stay with long-term (and pay his way) if given the opportunity?It doesn't make sense that he wants to live independently now but hasn't all through the years...how is he going to fund that?

He's always going to live the single life imo and while he may love you he probably wouldn't be overly heartbroken if you split up as he will find someone else to go with until they want to settle down and continue the pattern.

It's going to be hard to do it OP so be sure that you mean it if you break up with him,don't keep going back to him or anything like that or you will wreck your head...make a decision and stick with it.Good luck.

silverharp

its easy enough I guess to use all the standard arguments against him , all things being equal his parent/s have given him the bones of a 100K subsidy since his 20's so he should be more "sorted". However there isnt a financial hill a beans between the 2 people, one has some consumer/car debt (Ill assume) and the op has what 20K? or 30K saved? big swing. Does he have a steady income, is he working at something where he will get promoted or can go self employed at some stage? has he ever mentioned kids himself?

ProfProton

silverharp wrote: »

its easy enough I guess to use all the standard arguments against him , all things being equal his parent/s have given him the bones of a 100K subsidy since his 20's so he should be more "sorted". However there isnt a financial hill a beans between the 2 people, one has some consumer/car debt (Ill assume) and the op has what 20K? or 30K saved? big swing. Does he have a steady income, is he working at something where he will get promoted or can go self employed at some stage? has he ever mentioned kids himself?

Yeah he's a good job (though unskilled he has worked his way up through a company). He does pay significant rent at home (100/week) but I'm paying twice that and bills and have 40k saved? But then again i do have more earning power!! Yes he's mentioned kids from our first date-he seems more definite about that than other things! I do think men don't feel that urgency of a big ticking clock in that respect!!

ProfProton

Colser wrote: »

I agree with this...it's so tough to finish it but you know it really won't work.

What man of 37 wouldn't jump at the chance of moving in with someone he intends to stay with long-term (and pay his way) if given the opportunity?It doesn't make sense that he wants to live independently now but hasn't all through the years...how is he going to fund that?

He's always going to live the single life imo and while he may love you he probably wouldn't be overly heartbroken if you split up as he will find someone else to go with until they want to settle down and continue the pattern.

It's going to be hard to do it OP so be sure that you mean it if you break up with him,don't keep going back to him or anything like that or you will wreck your head...make a decision and stick with it.Good luck.

Thank you...I am a kind who makes takes a long time with a decision but then I know its right and stick to it...or so I hope!!

Ursus Horribilis

Colser wrote: »

He's always going to live the single life imo and while he may love you he probably wouldn't be overly heartbroken if you split up as he will find someone else to go with until they want to settle down and continue the pattern.

Pattern is the operative word here. This guy has no trouble finding girlfriends and keeping relationships going with them. He obviously enjoys being in a relationship but only to a certain point.

He's all talk and no action. He never bought the mythical house because he enjoyed his 20s. He's talking about moving out of home but has never done so over the course of the last 20 years. For all we know, these "kids" he speaks of are as vague as the house and moving out. The right noises to make but nothing he has any practical plans to do something about.

Ursus Horribilis

Ah, our posts crossed but I agree with you. I think this guy has been at this point many times before and will be again.

LushiousLips

In some ways you both seem very different. You are a go-getter, put yourself through college, saved 40k (wow). Wants a plan for your life and future. Whereas he just seems to flutter along in life, pi*sing his money against the wind. Being in debt whilst living at home is concerning. You are not going to change him and believe me if you take a chance on him you will regret it in years to come. Just be thankful you don't have kids together. You deserve better, go get it. Best of luck to you xx

Addle

Does his family have a farm OP?