Girlfriend

daithi7

miamee wrote: »

And men - there is no greater turn off or unattractive trait than telling us what we should and shouldn't be passionate about in order to appear attractive to you. Lord above.

You see, I try to do my bit for the still single women of Ireland, and it's just thrown back in my face.

There's gratitude, jeez!!

osarusan

I don't think it's any more complicated than finding somebody you like and who likes you back.

I don't think there is any point in trying to be somebody else/interested in something else as there's no way you can keep it up long term.

Also, if you do find somebody and have a long-term relationship with them, you'll probably be glad of your lack of common interests, as it means you'll be out of each other's hair a good bit.

dudara

@daithi7 - please focus on offering constructive, helpful advice to the OP only

dudara

professore

notjustsweet wrote: »

How is that different to the advice from other posters that you called bad? It's almost exactly what I said. Stop ticking boxes and enjoy dating.

Some posters were saying that he should just go out with women he finds boring anyway which I find to be bad advice as it will end badly for both parties. I don't know if you're one of those posters.

I didn't get the impression from the OP that he thinks he's the most interesting person that ever lived, just that the things that interest the girls he's dating don't interest him and vice versa.

I find golf boring as hell for example but that's just me I wouldn't take it as an offence if somebody else thinks it's the the best game ever.

SarahMollie

daithi7 wrote: »

You see, I try to do my bit for the still single women of Ireland, and it's just thrown back in my face.

There's gratitude, jeez!!

All I can see is unsolicited "advice" that's completely irreverent to the OP, so yeah, you'll be waiting for that gratitude.

professore

miamee wrote: »

And men - there is no greater turn off or unattractive trait than telling us what we should and shouldn't be passionate about in order to appear attractive to you. Lord above.

OP, everyone has different interests but I get what you mean about looking for someone with passion. I just think you might be too focused on the passion being for something specific - does it really matter?
You sound happy with your Saturday morning golf for example so do you really need a partner who will come with you? Surely you have some golf buddies for that.
When I was online dating myself, I wanted someone with a passion for life, for a hobby, for a cause - for anything at all that meant they got up and did things rather than sitting at home in front of the telly or in the pub drinking all the time (I do both of these things but not to any great extent). Maybe if you open yourself to passion rather than 'must be passionate about...' it'll open up some new possibilities to you

I don't think he ever said he wants a golf partner. You just want somebody who can talk to about their interesting hobbies and interests and vice versa as far as I can see. Shopping and traveling are not that interesting to most guys, and are not really hobbies, just says getting smashed and watching the premiership all weekend or playing Call of Duty aren't hobbies either.

baby and crumble

What kind of questions do you ask on dates to ascertain their passions, OP? Because I'd say a lot of people hold back on interests, especially if they are VERY passionate about them and they're a bit off the wall, they've probably been burned in the past by someone thinking they're nerds or whatever. Especially on the first few dates when you're trying to show off the "smoothest" version of yourself as you can.

Pretty much every woman I know has a slightly offbeat interest that they may not share with too many people, for those reasons. Like, I'm a gamer, but a lot of people who don't game think "wow, pretending to be a superhero for 3 hours a day, what an exciting life you must lead!" and tbh I can't be arsed with that negativity. So I don't talk about it much. Likewise the fact I like watching American Football, or that I have an interest in politics, etc. But if someone really asks, I'll talk about it.

So maybe ask some more probing questions and have some random things to talk about yourself to draw people out. This goes for other men and prospective friends, too.

GingerLily

You like golf but you don't expect a potential girlfriend to be interested in it, that's grand but I think maybe you need to focus less on what her hobbies are and more on if you enjoy her company.

If you make enjoying yourself and her company on your date your top priority over interviewing potential long term partners, I think you'd have a better time meeting someone you click with.

professore

baby and crumble wrote: »

What kind of questions do you ask on dates to ascertain their passions, OP? Because I'd say a lot of people hold back on interests, especially if they are VERY passionate about them and they're a bit off the wall, they've probably been burned in the past by someone thinking they're nerds or whatever. Especially on the first few dates when you're trying to show off the "smoothest" version of yourself as you can.

Pretty much every woman I know has a slightly offbeat interest that they may not share with too many people, for those reasons. Like, I'm a gamer, but a lot of people who don't game think "wow, pretending to be a superhero for 3 hours a day, what an exciting life you must lead!" and tbh I can't be arsed with that negativity. So I don't talk about it much. Likewise the fact I like watching American Football, or that I have an interest in politics, etc. But if someone really asks, I'll talk about it.

So maybe ask some more probing questions and have some random things to talk about yourself to draw people out. This goes for other men and prospective friends, too.

Speaking personally, and in my case about friendships, if I have to "draw someone out" and "probe deeply" to find out things they are passionate about, while getting stuff upfront that they have little interest in, I lose interest very quickly - in fact this would be a huge red flag. Similarly people going on about being passionate about something and then finding later that they are not interested in it and just doing it to impress me is a huge red flag.

I get if you are into midget porn you are maybe not going to mention that in the first few sentences, but any normal kind of interests would need to be on the table.

I'm pretty upfront about what I like and dislike, and a direct question about my interests will get a direct answer, but I get that not everyone is like me. I don't know where the OP falls but I suspect he is similar to me judging by what he's said so far. I get the whole insecurity thing, but at 35, and looking for a serious LTR, you should be well past this. No point wasting time on people that are incompatible.

professore

GingerLily wrote: »

You like golf but you don't expect a potential girlfriend to be interested in it, that's grand but I think maybe you need to focus less on what her hobbies are and more on if you enjoy her company.

If you make enjoying yourself and her company on your date your top priority over interviewing potential long term partners, I think you'd have a better time meeting someone you click with.

I think though that the key word the OP used was "boring". Boring is not really about hobbies and interests, or about checking off boxes, it's more about your compatibility. It's like that priest in Father Ted who talked for hours about different types of gas boilers. For most people that's extremely boring but no doubt there are some people out there who would find that fascinating.

SarahMollie

Hi OP,

For what its worth, my OH and I have very little in common but we certainly aren't bored by each other. Actually I can think of a few people who are more similar to me on paper but who bore me silly.

Overtime we have developed some shared interests and we try to dabble in each others from time to time just for fun, but if you'd have quizzed us both on our hobbies and interests at the outset you would have gotten very different results. We don't like the same music at all, I'm a foodie and he isn't, I tended to head out with my friends around Dawson St and he was more of a Whelans guy.... but that said we made each other laugh and on our first date we talked about everything and nothing for hours.

Like others have said, you need to forget this checklist aproach and just keep meeting women until you find someone you click with. Lack of hobbies, shared or otherwise shouldn't be an issue if you just get each other.

GingerLily

professore wrote: »

I think though that the key word the OP used was "boring". Boring is not really about hobbies and interests, or about checking off boxes, it's more about your compatibility. It's like that priest in Father Ted who talked for hours about different types of gas boilers. For most people that's extremely boring but no doubt there are some people out there who would find that fascinating.

When I'm not enjoying myself I'm boring, maybe these girls are bored rather then boring!

SarahMollie

GingerLily wrote: »

When I'm not enjoying myself I'm boring, maybe these girls are bored rather then boring!

This is really true. If i'm not engaged with a person, I'm far more like to give short answers and not give much away simply because I'm not bothered.

Also - going back to the checklist approach, if I felt like someone was interviewing me rather than just having a nice, two way conversation, they probably wouldn't get much from me either and I'm sure I'd come across as highly boring.

Toots

pavilion29 wrote: »

Thanks for the quick feedback.

When a say traveling i mean - going abroad on holidays and most people like that so , what i mean is, i don't find that to be a specific hobby.

You're right about the sports bit, i try not to go on about it too much, I'm definitely trying to ask more questions about their interests lately, but if they ask me about mine, I'm gonna mention sports cos its true.
I think they are most likely as nervous as i am when meeting, and if they don't talk much or seem responsive to my questions i tend to fill the silence talking about myself to get a bit of a back and forth going, but you're right i have to not over do it.

thanks again

This bit jumped out at me, and TBH I'd find it a little offputting - even though you're doing it with an aim of getting a bit of back and forth going, it could very well come off as you're just talking about yourself non-stop. If they don't seem responsive to your questions, I'd keep trying to engage her with anything she's expressed an interest in/where she lives/has she seen anything good on netflix lately etc.

First dates are usually about seeing if ye have any craic/spark together but if you're either grilling her for information or waxing lyrical about yourself it could come off as very intense. I think you need to forget about trying to find hobbies in common, and instead just go out on a date and see do you enjoy spending time with her as a person, and then go from there. As baby and crumble said, if she's got hobbies or interests that are a bit quirky, she may not want to mention them until she's gotten to know you better.

pavilion29

To be honest baby and gamble, i have been burned talking about my interests to a shy girl, on a first date - i think its made me come across overbearing - i definitely need to work on the listening and questions - just sometimes you get an awful vibe from the girl on the first date - and you go to your own experiences as a way to try and relieve the tension - i guess it depends on the circumstances though

pavilion29

Toots wrote: »

This bit jumped out at me, and TBH I'd find it a little offputting - even though you're doing it with an aim of getting a bit of back and forth going, it could very well come off as you're just talking about yourself non-stop. If they don't seem responsive to your questions, I'd keep trying to engage her with anything she's expressed an interest in/where she lives/has she seen anything good on netflix lately etc.

First dates are usually about seeing if ye have any craic/spark together but if you're either grilling her for information or waxing lyrical about yourself it could come off as very intense. I think you need to forget about trying to find hobbies in common, and instead just go out on a date and see do you enjoy spending time with her as a person, and then go from there. As baby and crumble said, if she's got hobbies or interests that are a bit quirky, she may not want to mention them until she's gotten to know you better.

yeah good advice you may of hit the nail on the head there

pavilion29

notjustsweet wrote: »

Wow. That's a very, very specific list. Perhaps as said above you need to relax a little?

Start to just enjoy dating and meeting new people, don't put so much pressure on finding a girlfriend and a list of particular qualities.

You're right but these aren't pre-requisites - i won't run for the hills if she doesn't fill my list, but i would say our chances of hitting it off definitely would be improved if she has an openness to some of this list. Nerdy girls are absolutely fine by me - I'm quite nerdy myself despite golf

pavilion29

osarusan wrote: »

I don't think it's any more complicated than finding somebody you like and who likes you back.

I don't think there is any point in trying to be somebody else/interested in something else as there's no way you can keep it up long term.

Also, if you do find somebody and have a long-term relationship with them, you'll probably be glad of your lack of common interests, as it means you'll be out of each other's hair a good bit.

excellent point

pavilion29

professore wrote: »

Some posters were saying that he should just go out with women he finds boring anyway which I find to be bad advice as it will end badly for both parties. I don't know if you're one of those posters.

I didn't get the impression from the OP that he thinks he's the most interesting person that ever lived, just that the things that interest the girls he's dating don't interest him and vice versa.

I find golf boring as hell for example but that's just me I wouldn't take it as an offence if somebody else thinks it's the the best game ever.

its shallow but its true - if she doesnt peek my interest in our messages online - I'm probably not going to want to meet her. I think most people would be the same.

pavilion29

eviltwin wrote: »

Are you hiring someone to work for you or looking for a partner? Why should it matter what his or her interests are so long as they have something else in their life to focus on beside you? I'm with my other half over twenty years and its no exaggeration to say we have no common interests. It's great that we have a life outside of each other and I don't need to share his love of things to feel connected.

OP continue to go on dates, don't go with a list in your head of criteria that these ladies have to meet. I presume if you are getting to the date stage in the first place there is something there you like. Focus on finding someone you have a bit of chemistry with and just enjoy being in her company. All the other stuff can come later. You'll probably be more willing to compromise on interests if you think she's got potential. It would be lovely if we could meet someone with the same passions as us but being realistic it's probably not going to be that easy. Don't let it put you off.

You're right - i think I'm going to be more cautious in talking about myself and interests on the nest date and just focus and helping her enjoy herself and feel at ease - i guess i'll just try to listen better and ask more questions and chip in with my own experiences from time to time

pavilion29

BelaLugosiDead wrote: »

Hi, as said above I don't think it's overly important that a woman shares your exact passions and hobbies. As long as you find her attractive,and you share the same values that's all you need really.
My husband is a nerd who likes role playing games, Star Wars, blues music and is relatively sedentary, doesn't like change etc.
I like running, rock music, hate Star Wars and always want to go out to do the next thing, make money etc.
He keeps my feet on the ground, I keep the family organised financially and otherwise.
We both have similar political and religious beliefs which along with wanting kids or not are the 3 main areas that need compatibility I think.
The rest is not necessary for a successful relationship. My husband has started running and I play his games. We learn something new from each other.
So try not to worry about the nitty gritty of personal interests in terms of gauging compatibly - as the cliche goes - opposites do attract!

That sounds like a great dynamic - can i ask do you think physical attraction is very important? Ive really struggled to develop and maintain an interest in anyone that i don't find physically attractive . That sounds awful as looks fade - but its definitey been an issue for me - much as i hate to admit it

pavilion29

Actually Bela lugs brought up a controversial issue here - physical attraction?
How important is it when going on dates? Like i said before, I'm trying to be less shallow but attractive women appeal to me - I've rarely had a date with a girl that i find physically attract, i can't seem to get them. Ive gone on lots with girls that were more interesting to talk to, but i scared them off with, my talking about myself too much.

Passtheremote

I'd say your just not attracting the girls that you want right now.

Like most you either settle for what you can get or hold out.

Your 35, have you ever had sex with a girl that your really physically attracted to? Can you get these girls?

pavilion29

Passtheremote wrote: »

I'd say your just not attracting the girls that you want right now.

Like most you either settle for what you can get or hold out.

Your 35, have you ever had sex with a girl that your really physically attracted to? Can you get these girls?

I have yes but unfortunately those were meaningless drunken flings and when we went out we discovered we were totally incompatible - it was fairly mutual.

LegacyUser

pavilion29 wrote: »

Ok so I've never been in a relationship, mostly because i was never really hungry for one in the past and have always enjoyed my freedom. Ive been with girls before but never met one i really wanted to pursue anything with.

I'm 35 now, and all of a sudden nearly all my fiends are married and i'm the only one left single.
I've gone on a lot of dates through online dating, 17 last year but I've never met anyone i really clicked with. I won't lie, i prefer good looking girls, but i have over time grown much less shallow in that regard, an average looking girl with an interesting personality would be great for me.

A bit about me - I like sports, play golf avidly , and i love film and travelling. Ive a good job, I'm small in build (5'8) Im reasonably successful in life, currently got a mortgage on a house so will be a home owner eventually. On paper I seem to have a lot to offer.

The problem is, the girls that i find attractive really don't find me interesting and i never get a second date with them. Perhaps i try too hard with them on a date and come across way too keen.

The other problem is , to keep an open mind I've gone on other dates with girls that i don't fancy, and i find them boring, so i can't really complain about the girls that reject me when i do it too.

Also when i say boring i tend to find that women my age across the board ( attractive or otherwise) have no real passions. They all like the same thing - going out to dinner, walks, traveling, but no real passions or specific interests.
Some do say they love cooking but thats about it.
Ive spoken to women on dates about what i like and when I mention sport their eyes glaze over.

People say "be yourself," but thats getting me nowhere. Does anyone have any advice on how to break the slump or is it just a case of persevering?
Id love a girlfriend who interested in sports but I'm afraid I'm not enough of an alpha male for that type of girl.

I know I'm coming across a bit picky and up myself but i really should be doing better with women than this.

I think that this will come across as harsh, but I don't mean it to be.

You have never had a relationship at 35, just one night stands. You describe yourself as good on paper but this would be a huge flag for most women that at 35, you have never been in a relationship. You do not have the skills that you should have learned at this stage, and I suspect that this is where you are going wrong.

You describe yourself as wanting someone passionate about something, but I cannot think of more than a handful of adults who describe themselves as being passionate about anything. By the time you hit your 30s, you tend to be more well rounded and have interests but no passions. I have lots of interests, some that I am really into but no passions...passion suggests all consuming to me. I work with someone who is passionate about golf. She is a bore and can talk of little else. She has few other interests. It may be a communication thing or you may just not have had enough contact with women to know that passions are unlikely to actually exist but interests are.

Now, you are clearly shallow and you have a tick list but to be honest, no relationship experience, a desire to only go for the physical attraction and a handful of essential traits and you seem to be boring them by talking about yourself would send most of us running for the hills. You should click on a personal level, not just tick mental boxes.

I know that on paper you think that you look good, but I think that you have to look at it from the personality perspective. 100% of women that you have dated have not resulted in a relationship. Why? Your personality has to be at play.

My advice is to talk to your friends about it. See what they say. Ask if they think that you are too intense, too picky, too boring about golf, too full of yourself.

pavilion29

Ask friends wrote: »

I think that this will come across as harsh, but I don't mean it to be.

You have never had a relationship at 35, just one night stands. You describe yourself as good on paper but this would be a huge flag for most women that at 35, you have never been in a relationship. You do not have the skills that you should have learned at this stage, and I suspect that this is where you are going wrong.

You describe yourself as wanting someone passionate about something, but I cannot think of more than a handful of adults who describe themselves as being passionate about anything. By the time you hit your 30s, you tend to be more well rounded and have interests but no passions. I have lots of interests, some that I am really into but no passions...passion suggests all consuming to me. I work with someone who is passionate about golf. She is a bore and can talk of little else. She has few other interests. It may be a communication thing or you may just not have had enough contact with women to know that passions are unlikely to actually exist but interests are.

Now, you are clearly shallow and you have a tick list but to be honest, no relationship experience, a desire to only go for the physical attraction and a handful of essential traits and you seem to be boring them by talking about yourself would send most of us running for the hills. You should click on a personal level, not just tick mental boxes.

I know that on paper you think that you look good, but I think that you have to look at it from the personality perspective. 100% of women that you have dated have not resulted in a relationship. Why? Your personality has to be at play.

My advice is to talk to your friends about it. See what they say. Ask if they think that you are too intense, too picky, too boring about golf, too full of yourself.

hmmmm. food for thought.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

I don't mean this in a bad way but why do you want a relationship? The only thing you mention in your OP is that all your friends are married. You say you never felt the need for a relationship before and preferred the freedom, has that changed or is it just that you feel you 'should' be in one at your age? There's nothing wrong with being single by choice and it's a darn sight better than being in a relationship for the wrong reasons (and I say that as someone who's been single for maybe 18 months, cumulatively, of my adult life; but that's what I'm built for).

You say you've never had a relationship, and I'd agree that that's probably working against you. Have you ever been in love? Ever had a broken heart? There is something off about your approach, the box ticky stuff, and I'm curious about your motivations. Say you meet a gorgeous, passionate, interesting woman tomorrow and everything goes well, do you have a rough idea of what that relationship would look like in a year? What are you getting out of and putting into it, how would you and dream woman have your lives enriched by it?

pavilion29

Myra Green Grub wrote: »

I don't mean this in a bad way but why do you want a relationship? The only thing you mention in your OP is that all your friends are married. You say you never felt the need for a relationship before and preferred the freedom, has that changed or is it just that you feel you 'should' be in one at your age? There's nothing wrong with being single by choice and it's a darn sight better than being in a relationship for the wrong reasons (and I say that as someone who's been single for maybe 18 months, cumulatively, of my adult life; but that's what I'm built for).

You say you've never had a relationship, and I'd agree that that's probably working against you. Have you ever been in love? Ever had a broken heart? There is something off about your approach, the box ticky stuff, and I'm curious about your motivations. Say you meet a gorgeous, passionate, interesting woman tomorrow and everything goes well, do you have a rough idea of what that relationship would look like in a year? What are you getting out of and putting into it, how would you and dream woman have your lives enriched by it?

Thats a very good point and heres my answer - a part of me is worried about missing out and not evolving as a person- being the only one of my peers single, my parents are certainly putting me under pressure to get a move on which isn't helping. I have never been in love, but definitely missed out on potential relationships by being afraid and not spotting signals for the prospective girl. I've also made moves on women that i was interested in, only to be knocked back but never enough to have a broken heart. I'm not socially retarded by any means, i have a lot of friends from various backgrounds. I definitely have to mature in my ticking boxes approach but I'm certainly not the only one who has certain ideals. I'm certainly not unhappy being single right now at all, but don't want to be this way forever. Also my use of the word "passions" is probably inappropriate - interests are fine, it just seems that so many girls i come across seem to love just watching tv and going out to restaurants in their free time. Thats absolutely fine but not for me long term. I obviously need to look at bit harder, as there so many women out there who have diverse interests. i don't mean to generalise or sound stuck up. But if my gut says no about a girl, i generally go with it. That could be a comfort zone talking though. I guess i should take more chances and try to take it all less seriously.

LegacyUser

pavilion29 wrote: »

. Also my use of the word "passions" is probably inappropriate - interests are fine, it just seems that so many girls i come across seem to love just watching tv and going out to restaurants

That's likely part of what they're about, it's highly unlikely that it's ALL they're about.
I'd you've never progressed past a few dates with them, into relationship zone, it's impossible to assess them properly.
Like, 50% of the equation here is you. If you're 35 now, you've spent at least 10 years casually dating& dismissing girls as not being good enough to enter a relationship with you. Everyone says love is a numbers game, but if we say at a conservative estimate that you've met 30 girls (3 a year) thus far, one of them surely had redeeming qualities.
Give people a chance. If you're bored by the conversation- start a different topic. If you're bored by your dates' suggestion for activities- suggest a different one. Then, if you keep getting "no, I want to sit in& watch TV", fair enough, move on. But you might be surprised.

Merkin

I think you should genuinely seek some professional help. I think the definition of insanity is to keep repeating the same thing and expecting a different outcome. (I'm not suggesting you're insane btw!)

Over six years this is your fourth thread on the topic and I think you may need to explore what the real basis is for your lack of 'success' because it seems like you still keep putting up these self enforced obstacles.

If you look back over your old thread would you say you still feel the same as you did all that time ago? A professional might be able to help you explore this further and come to a resolution.

http://touch.boards.ie/thread/2056329698/1/#post73324794