Girlfriend

pavilion29

Ok so I've never been in a relationship, mostly because i was never really hungry for one in the past and have always enjoyed my freedom. Ive been with girls before but never met one i really wanted to pursue anything with.

I'm 35 now, and all of a sudden nearly all my fiends are married and i'm the only one left single.
I've gone on a lot of dates through online dating, 17 last year but I've never met anyone i really clicked with. I won't lie, i prefer good looking girls, but i have over time grown much less shallow in that regard, an average looking girl with an interesting personality would be great for me.

A bit about me - I like sports, play golf avidly , and i love film and travelling. Ive a good job, I'm small in build (5'8) Im reasonably successful in life, currently got a mortgage on a house so will be a home owner eventually. On paper I seem to have a lot to offer.

The problem is, the girls that i find attractive really don't find me interesting and i never get a second date with them. Perhaps i try too hard with them on a date and come across way too keen.

The other problem is , to keep an open mind I've gone on other dates with girls that i don't fancy, and i find them boring, so i can't really complain about the girls that reject me when i do it too.

Also when i say boring i tend to find that women my age across the board ( attractive or otherwise) have no real passions. They all like the same thing - going out to dinner, walks, traveling, but no real passions or specific interests.
Some do say they love cooking but thats about it.
Ive spoken to women on dates about what i like and when I mention sport their eyes glaze over.

People say "be yourself," but thats getting me nowhere. Does anyone have any advice on how to break the slump or is it just a case of persevering?
Id love a girlfriend who interested in sports but I'm afraid I'm not enough of an alpha male for that type of girl.

I know I'm coming across a bit picky and up myself but i really should be doing better with women than this.

fungun

Also when i say boring i tend to find that women my age across the board ( attractive or otherwise) have no real passions. They all like the same thing - going out to dinner, walks, traveling, but no real passions or specific interests.
Some do say they love cooking but thats about it.
Ive spoken to women on dates about what i like and when I mention sport their eyes glaze over.

This bit jumps out at me. You sound quite judgmental here to me - why cant travelling be a real passion?? It sounds here like you find what they like boring and then arent too happy when their eyes glaze over when you mention sports.....so they might be thinking exactly the same thing about you!!!
Funny enough, my missus finds people who go on about sports a lot really boring company.

Im going to say the opposite to be yourself lol....perhaps you should tone tone the sports fanatic bit on date 1.....and perhaps it might be worth asking more questions about them and what they say they are interested in, in order to try to understand why they like it so much....rather than just feeling you find it boring. If you are bored, Im sure they pick up on it. But all in all it sounds like you are looking for a woman who is interested in what you are interested in, and if she isnt you seem dismissive

Id also say I dont agree that women who are interested in sports want an 'alpha male'. What you are describing is a rugby groupie!!....there are plenty of sporty women that are not like that...

pavilion29

Thanks for the quick feedback.

When a say traveling i mean - going abroad on holidays and most people like that so , what i mean is, i don't find that to be a specific hobby.

You're right about the sports bit, i try not to go on about it too much, I'm definitely trying to ask more questions about their interests lately, but if they ask me about mine, I'm gonna mention sports cos its true.
I think they are most likely as nervous as i am when meeting, and if they don't talk much or seem responsive to my questions i tend to fill the silence talking about myself to get a bit of a back and forth going, but you're right i have to not over do it.

thanks again

Rekop dog

If they seem boring that's on you. Stir the conversation to something more fun or different from the work/hobbies snorfest conversations they get on all the other samey dates. You'll likely get far more enthusiasm from them and be more memorable to them which will enhance your chances of follow up dates.

pavilion29

Good idea Rekop dog, i'll try that next time.

cheers

njs030

I love sport and happily spend hours of weekends watching it. My oh finds most sports boring and rolls his eyes when I talk about it! He has plenty of interests of his own that I wouldn't be interested in and I probably do my fair share of eye rolls too
Couples don't need to share every interest op, what do you mean by alpha male enough? Do you think there's a certain type that likes sports?

How many dates are you going on before deciding you're bored and losing interest? As rd said above try to find other ways to make conversation than the standard interests and hobbies type questions.

pavilion29

I try to give at least 2 two dates before making my mind up. Unfortunately when i make a bad impression, as i have done, i rarely get the second date.

Last year i got to the third date 4 times. Things seemed to be going well but then… you don't hear anything back. There could be a million reasons for this however.

thanks for the feedback

quad_red

If people are making an effort to reach out and engage then in the vast majority of cases they're not going to be boring (in my experience).

If you're looking for sporty girls then maybe concentrate on groups that do those activities to meet girls? I was part of a hiking group a fews back and people got loads of action (and at least one marriage).
"A bit about me - I like sports, play golf avidly , and i love film and travelling. Ive a good job, I'm small in build (5'8) Im reasonably successful in life, currently got a mortgage on a house so will be a home owner eventually. On paper I seem to have a lot to offer."

You're complaining about girls being boring because they're into travelling and cooking whilst your interests are golf, movies and being reasonably successful in life?

pavilion29

I know they may find it boring but its what i like and I'm not gonna lie.

I did several hiking groups two years ago and founds the average age there was 60 years old.

As for golf , if i could find 35 year old women that liked golf i'd be in heaven, but I'm yet to find them, they're mostly aged 50 and up.

pavilion29

As regards other sports to meet women, i know they love running, but i absolutely hate running and I'm boot gonna take up a hobby i hate just to meet women. That smacks of desperation. I used to play mixed tag last summer and that was great but i got a serious knee injury playing it last summer, and am still waiting for that to come right.

Thanks for your feedback all the same, appreciate it

quad_red

Of course you should be yourself. But you're asking for input as to why you've been unsuccessful thus far.

I would humbly suggest that the extent of a prospective partners love of golf may not be the most important indicator in what sort of person they are.

You talk about the fact that people should find you attractive ('successful in life', your own house) and what your prospective partner must match up to. You admit to being shallow (less so in recent years) and Prioritising looks.

So what sort of partner do you think you deserve based on how you perceive potential partners?

I would never suggest anyone lie about who they are. But relationships, in general, are based on some level of compromise and building on sparks of common. Surely initial attraction is based on physical compatibility, sense of humour, shared values rather than a love of golf?

pavilion29

Point taken.

I don't talk golf for hours though, i just spend a lot of time doing it. Well, every saturday morning. Its doesn't define me as a person and i don't dominate a date talking golf. its just an interest of mine, it ticks a lot of boxes, fresh air, excercise, competition, sport, social scene.

Being reasonably successful in life is important for attraction i believe. I don't tell the world that i have a mortgage on dates though, thats a bit stuffy.

pavilion29

At this stage i guess i would hope for a partner that likes excercise, is reasonably successful, has her own interests, and cooking is fine.
And she doesn't have to be a model. Thats it i guess.

njs030

pavilion29 wrote: »

Point taken.

I don't talk golf for hours though, i just spend a lot of time doing it. Well, every saturday morning. Its doesn't define me as a person and i don't dominate a date talking golf. its just an interest of mine, it ticks a lot of boxes, fresh air, excercise, competition, sport, social scene.

Being reasonably successful in life is important for attraction i believe. I don't tell the world that i have a mortgage on dates though, thats a bit stuffy.

Liking golf is different to liking sport. Just so you know.

pavilion29

i have to disagree with that. Its very much a sport in my opinion. But listen, i gather that golf is not at all what women want to hear, so ill leave that as a mention until date 3 from here on.

LegacyUser

Hi, as said above I don't think it's overly important that a woman shares your exact passions and hobbies. As long as you find her attractive,and you share the same values that's all you need really.
My husband is a nerd who likes role playing games, Star Wars, blues music and is relatively sedentary, doesn't like change etc.
I like running, rock music, hate Star Wars and always want to go out to do the next thing, make money etc.
He keeps my feet on the ground, I keep the family organised financially and otherwise.
We both have similar political and religious beliefs which along with wanting kids or not are the 3 main areas that need compatibility I think.
The rest is not necessary for a successful relationship. My husband has started running and I play his games. We learn something new from each other.
So try not to worry about the nitty gritty of personal interests in terms of gauging compatibly - as the cliche goes - opposites do attract!

quad_red

You mentioned you find girls boring because they're not passionate about stuff. Yet the only thing you want them to be passionate about is sport.

And besides sport what are you passionate about? You're out to win a mate. What shows them you aren't some boring ol bollox stuck in his ways? Can you engage people by saying you recently did a course in wine tasting or a salsa class or are learning to play the banjo or are learning a language or anything really?

Or is it this is my life and the person must fit into it. Because if that's your approach then you're seriously narrowing your options.

pavilion29

Good point. Taking up a new hobby is definitely a food for thought. But i work hard all week and look forward to playing golf as it helps me unwind.
And for the record, i dint think i said she had to be passionate about sport.

pavilion29

Besides sports, i like doing yoga. I also read and have recently started contributing to a friends blog, he does film reviews. So yeah i may ease that into conversation as it may peak her interest more.

sky1234

Pavillon, dating is hard. I've been on tinder and pof and had my fair share of dates. The absolute deal breakers for me were over confidence, giving off a sense of superiority and talking about themselves too much.

Relax! You've spent so long deciding why you're a decent catch that you have this checklist for what the girl should be.
Just go on more dates, don't put pressure on them and enjoy. If it doesn't work out, so what? Just concentrate on enjoying someone's company rather than over analysing them.

Good luck

pavilion29

cheers sky

I won't ever mention golf on a date again either! And i'll definitely work on the listening and the over analysing. Even if her eyes glaze over after 20 min!

njs030

pavilion29 wrote: »

i have to disagree with that. Its very much a sport in my opinion. But listen, i gather that golf is not at all what women want to hear, so ill leave that as a mention until date 3 from here on.

I didn't say it's not a sport.
You said you'd like to date a woman who likes sports when what you actually mean is you'd like to date a woman who's interested in golf which isn't the same as liking sports in general.

There's no reason she has to be interested in your hobby of any reason you need to go on about it. "I play golf at the weekends" is really all you need to say op and unless she asks more about it don't go into detail.

Are you into exercise and all the other things you're looking for in a partner?

pavilion29

Noted.
Apart from all sports, ( doesn't have to be golf as I'm open to her liking running,.. I'm just not gonna join a running club to meet her) if she's down to earth, has a hobby of her own (photography, writing, cooking, I'm not that fussed) likes SOME of the things i like, maybe movies, music, comedy then that would be great.

njs030

pavilion29 wrote: »

Noted.
Apart from all sports, ( doesn't have to be golf as I'm open to her liking running,.. I'm just not gonna join a running club to meet her) if she's down to earth, has a hobby of her own (photography, writing, cooking, I'm not that fussed) likes SOME of the things i like, maybe movies, music, comedy then that would be great.

Wow. That's a very, very specific list. Perhaps as said above you need to relax a little?

Start to just enjoy dating and meeting new people, don't put so much pressure on finding a girlfriend and a list of particular qualities.

ivytwine

Having similar interests is great, but it's not necessary. Loads of successful couples don't necessarily like all the same things. In fact it's quite healthy for people in relationships to have their "thing", too many people lose themselves in their partner.

You're dating grown women now, the days of liking x to impress a guy are long past them. I wouldn't write them off because they're not sporty.

What I notice is a focus on a lot of surface stuff in your posts. Good relationships are more than hobbies etc. What values are important to you? Should she be kind, generous? Do you have deal breakers on value and belief systems? Don't neglect the deep stuff because THAT's what you need to be able to share with someone, not a hobby.

Good luck OP

professore

I think you're overthnking this OP. You just want to meet someone who you "hit it off" with. The last thing you should do is a box ticking exercise instead of getting to know someone.

I think a lot of the previous advice is bad. I dated several women before my now wife and to me they were all either boring or in one case too exciting (i.e. a complete party animal) TO ME. It's your right to find other people boring, just as it's their right to find you boring.

You need to find someone compatible with you. That could be 0.0001% of women out there, but so be it! Divorce is expensive. Meanwhile just have fun - 35 is the prime of life for a guy. Time is on your side. No point in settling for someone.

njs030

professore wrote: »

I think you're overthnking this OP. You just want to meet someone who you "hit it off" with. The last thing you should do is a box ticking exercise instead of getting to know someone.

I think a lot of the previous advice is bad. I dated several women before my now wife and to me they were all either boring or in one case too exciting (i.e. a complete party animal) TO ME. It's your right to find other people boring, just as it's their right to find you boring.

You need to find someone compatible with you. That could be 0.0001% of women out there, but so be it! Divorce is expensive. Meanwhile just have fun - 35 is the prime of life for a guy. Time is on your side. No point in settling for someone.

How is that different to the advice from other posters that you called bad? It's almost exactly what I said. Stop ticking boxes and enjoy dating.

daithi7

IMHO the OP has a fair point though about a lot of women out there who lack any passion in their life (& I'm not talking about their love life).

Girls, just so you know, there is no greater Meh, turn off , unattractive trait than not being passionate about anything and maybe just liking shopping, cooking and walks......Boring, boring Arsenal!!

Get out there, breathe in the fresh air and find some passions in your life.

mad about nuts

pavilion29 wrote: »

I know they may find it boring but its what i like and I'm not gonna lie.

I did several hiking groups two years ago and founds the average age there was 60 years old.

As for golf , if i could find 35 year old women that liked golf i'd be in heaven, but I'm yet to find them, they're mostly aged 50 and up.

Can you not accept that you dont have to be interested in her hobbies or that she has to be into yours.......my partner and i have totally different hobbies which the other person never gets involved in...it keeps things interesting and show a bit of independance from the other person.Also would you not be bored if ye had all the same interests and same sovial calender,group of friends e.t.c
Find a common ground with someone.i.e someone who is into marrage,kids and find a new hobbie or interest to do together....you dont always have to live in the other persons shoe to be compatible.

miamee

daithi7 wrote: »

IMHO the OP has a fair point though about a lot of women out there who lack any passion in their life (& I'm not talking about their love life).

Girls, just so you know, there is no greater Meh, turn off , unattractive trait than not being passionate about anything and maybe just liking shopping, cooking and walks......Boring, boring Arsenal!!

Get out there, breathe in the fresh air and find some passions in your life.

And men - there is no greater turn off or unattractive trait than telling us what we should and shouldn't be passionate about in order to appear attractive to you. Lord above.

OP, everyone has different interests but I get what you mean about looking for someone with passion. I just think you might be too focused on the passion being for something specific - does it really matter?
You sound happy with your Saturday morning golf for example so do you really need a partner who will come with you? Surely you have some golf buddies for that.
When I was online dating myself, I wanted someone with a passion for life, for a hobby, for a cause - for anything at all that meant they got up and did things rather than sitting at home in front of the telly or in the pub drinking all the time (I do both of these things but not to any great extent). Maybe if you open yourself to passion rather than 'must be passionate about...' it'll open up some new possibilities to you

eviltwin

Are you hiring someone to work for you or looking for a partner? Why should it matter what his or her interests are so long as they have something else in their life to focus on beside you? I'm with my other half over twenty years and its no exaggeration to say we have no common interests. It's great that we have a life outside of each other and I don't need to share his love of things to feel connected.

OP continue to go on dates, don't go with a list in your head of criteria that these ladies have to meet. I presume if you are getting to the date stage in the first place there is something there you like. Focus on finding someone you have a bit of chemistry with and just enjoy being in her company. All the other stuff can come later. You'll probably be more willing to compromise on interests if you think she's got potential. It would be lovely if we could meet someone with the same passions as us but being realistic it's probably not going to be that easy. Don't let it put you off.