Feel so unattractive compared to other women

HeavyHeaded

cactusgal wrote: »

Hmm, if that's the case, maybe take a break from them? My hair never looked amazing, now or ten years ago! Can I ask what brand you use?

Easilocks, only been using them a few months.
I wore clip ins a good bit before getting these in. I would take a break from them except I actually am afraid of going back to not having them. As I think it will be such a shock to me and I won't want anyone to see me.

(I'm aware this all sounds ridiculous)

yermandan

Hi OP, have you ever considered counselling/psychotherapy for your issue? As said previously, the actual issue probably has very little to do with your appearance and is something that can be worked on and conquered!!

My life changed when I stopped comparing myself to others, whether it was to build myself up or bring myself down. Your worth and confidence has nothing to do with your physical appearance and comes from within, sometimes it just takes some exploration and dedication to finding it.

BTW none of it sounds ridiculous, it matters to you and is hugely impacting your life so it needs to be addressed.

Best of luck to you

Lux23

I am overweight, my hair and skin are often in s***e but I find the worst thing for my self-esteem is to compare myself to others. I am must happier if I just judge myself against myself, i.e. I am twenty pounds lighter today that I was last year. Maybe you just need to retrain those thoughts?

Big Bag of Chips

Another thing you should try to remember is nobody is half as bothered by or interested in your imperfections as you are. Everyone else is far too busy worrying about their own! Seriously!!

And if someone sees you with thin hair, who wouldn't have seen it before they might think "Jesus, I never realised HeavyHead's hair was that thin. God, she must wear extensions or a wig most of the time..... Do I have enough milk at home or will I pick up a 2 ltr?" And then you're put to the back of their mind and not really thought about again.

I understand how this is a big issue for you, but try not let the issue become what other people think of you. Because, other people don't think of you as much as you'd think! Everyone has insecurities, and hang ups, and their own 1001 things going on in the heads that need to be done/organised/sorted out. Very few people have time to be going around thinking about us by our looks/skin/hair etc.

Do speak to your doctor. I can't remember if you mentioned anxiety, but if it is something you suffer with then this is just another arm of that.

Daisy78

I have long thick hair, pretty decent skin, two of the things you mentioned in your original post that you would like to like to have. However I have other features that I have spent more of my time fretting over, things I wished I could change than giving any time to the nicer features I do have. For example my nose is large and crooked. And to be honest there is feck all I can do about it apart from surgery. My front teeth are crooked and can never smile properly because they are so misaligned despite lots of orthodontics.

The truth is most people have stuff they would like to change. What you may envy in one person's appearance they may may not even appreciate and may in turn wish they looked like somone else! Also I think as you get older you literally get tired obsessing about that stuff. You have more important things on your mind. For me dressing "up" and making the best of what you have is your way of making your mark, developing your own style, your own aesthetic, something that is uniquely you, "flaws" and all. And btw thick hair is a right pain to manage, it's high maintenance and only really looks good when you come out of the salon

milli milli

Daisy78 wrote: »

Also I think as you get older you literally get tired obsessing about that stuff.

+1
Also with me, I got tired of being at war with myself. I stopped comparing myself to other women. I realised what I had and was thankful. It really makes life easier
No-one is perfect, everyone has some hang ups.
The great thing about being women is we can enhance what he have with makeup and other aids.
I'm not saying slap on a mask, but just using little things like lipstick or a well-fitted dress can make a huge difference.

Your personality & what's on the inside is more important obviously but we live in a looks-obsessed world so if these little things help, why not use them?
OP have you tried everything to sort out your hair? Have you researched all types of treatments?
What would happen if you curl your hair - does it appear fuller?

Most 'effortless' girls spend time on their appearance. Even the 'no makeup look' takes time and lots of products.
You need to make a list of what you love about yourself and really appreciate what you have.

Goose81

HeavyHeaded wrote: »

I'm 31. Female. I look around and all I see are these gorgeous women. I shouldn't care at my age but I do. I go no where without hair extensions and make up. I get so angry that so many people my age are so naturally gorgeous and have all these things naturally, long luscious hair, sallow skin, attractive figures.

I'm a stone or two over weight I've lost a stone in the last few months. I feel angry that such shallow things are upsetting me. I just want to be beautiful like everyone else. I can see the big picture and I can see that there is much more important things to worry about.
I have days where I'm fine and days where I just hate myself.

I have a doctors appt tomorrow, for a none related reason but are these harsh thoughts about myself something I should be telling my doctor.

Are these somewhat normal feelings for someone my age?

Ive bolded the above, its quite clear what you need to do in order to make yourself feel happy.

SarahMollie

Hi OP,

Firstly, from what you've said, the amount this is worrying you, you should probably consider seeing someone professionally to talk through your issues and understand whats behind them.

I'm the same age as you, and my take on life now is that we're not getting any younger (and unfortunatly probably not likely to get any better looking) so we have to make the most of what we've got and live in the now. You don't want to look back at 41 thinking "oh if only I realised how good I had it at 31". I think at age 30ish, you should be becoming more accepting of yourself and more comfortable with yourself - please do something about this rather than wasting your life feeling awkward, anxious and unhappy.

SarahMollie

Goose81 wrote: »

Ive bolded the above, its quite clear what you need to do in order to make yourself feel happy.

I really don't think its that simple. I think the OP has gotten herself into the mindset of never being good enough. If the weight is sorted, then she'll find another shortcoming.

Airyfairy12

HeavyHeaded wrote: »

Easilocks, only been using them a few months.
I wore clip ins a good bit before getting these in. I would take a break from them except I actually am afraid of going back to not having them. As I think it will be such a shock to me and I won't want anyone to see me.

(I'm aware this all sounds ridiculous)

Using castor oil in your hair as a leave in treatment is very good for encouraging hair growth or you could go to your doctor and ask for something that helps with hair loss. Biotin tablets, Keratin tablets or any multi vitamin capsules for hair and skin will work wonders and can be bought in the chemist without a prescription.

Why dont you watch some youtube videos on products and hairstyles that make hair look fuller?

Your diet really effects your hair and skin, theyre the last places to receive nutrients as your body tends to priorities more important organs like your liver, heart, kidneys ect so if you're not eating proper food your skin and hair will suffer, increasing your intake of water, fruit, veg, iron and protein will have a positive effect on your hair and skin. I find eating raw almonds amazing for hair growth, I had to cut my long hair to shoulder length 2 years ago and noticed it growing much faster when I started eating lots of almonds.

You should also really get some counselling for your self esteem, it cant hurt. Maybe buy a few books on cbt and dealing with insecurities too.

Parchment

I get you - i felt like that for a long time and still feel like that sometimes.

I had to realise - i can only ever be me, its tiring trying to be someone else.

Would you consider speaking to a therapist? it helped me a lot when i went through some very dark times and thoughts like this were the fuel to the fire.

Bambi985

SarahMollie wrote: »

I'm the same age as you, and my take on life now is that we're not getting any younger (and unfortunatly probably not likely to get any better looking) so we have to make the most of what we've got and live in the now. You don't want to look back at 41 thinking "oh if only I realised how good I had it at 31". I think at age 30ish, you should be becoming more accepting of yourself and more comfortable with yourself - please do something about this rather than wasting your life feeling awkward, anxious and unhappy.

Yeah me too.

Honestly OP you will never look like these "gorgeous women" walking around with the thick luscious hair and the perfect figures, and even if you did you'd still find something else to fixate on, or get anxiety about the maintenance of your hair or your figure and start freaking out about getting wrinkles around your eyes or grey hairs or not getting to the gym today etc etc etc

See what I mean? As long as you use your appearance as a barometer of your self-worth, you will be on a hamster wheel of hating yourself and finding faults and feeling "less than" somebody/anybody else. It's a total and complete waste of time.

Why not just try to look like the best version of you instead? I'm five foot one so will never be lithe and ballerina-like, instead I just try to live a healthy life so that I can be in the best shape for my own particular body. And sometimes that slips too and I end up eating cheetos for the week because life is hard and I'm not perfect. But that's fine too. I just laugh and let it be. Because I don't have a modelling contract that forbids me from being human. And there's more to me than a body and a head of hair.

Seriously, it's so sad to me that you've probably come through the headache and insecurities of your 20s to find yourself feeling no better about yourself at 31.

I'm the same age and if I allowed myself, I could sign up to your newsletter in a heartbeat. I could tell myself I'm grotesque looking and every woman is more beautiful, but you know what? It's exhausting. It's a full-time job. It leaves no room for being positive or productive. And I already have a job, and a life, and plans to get through all day every day so I don't allow myself to ruminate.

Stop competing and start living.

Parchment

Also - OP if you want to look effortless....then dont put effort into things like false nails, hair extensions. I find those generally dont look good.

Work with what you have naturally, your own skin tone, hair colour etc - thats how you look effortless. Look after your skin and keep your nails tidy and natural.

I fought my natural colouring for years and it did nothing for me - now i have my own hair colour and it looks great and natural. Get a good cut and give your hair weekly treatments (doesnt have to be anything fancy - even just some conditioner left on your hair for a while).

Take a leaf out of the French womens style ethos - wear comfortable clothes that you feel good in, take care of your skin and have confidence in yourself. Youre the only you on the planet!

As said above - start living. We are only here for a short while.

HeavyHeaded

OP here. Thanks all for the comments. Its really made me feel much better.

I hope it doesn't come across like I have some kinda barbie extensions and an orange Geordie shore type face. Lol I'm definitely not like that. I'm more of a minimalist. I don't actually wear fake tan, fake nails, fake lashes or any of that, I've only been to a beauticians once in my life so I'm certainly not the type to obsess with how I look.

Some days I feel good and some days bad I guess like anything. I will look into seeing a therapist which I have in the past but just for one session as she didn't think I needed any more.

I think I'm the type of person who will get bothered by crows feet, gray hairs, wrinkles etc. I don't want to be that person though, its not what matters in life in the big picture but I do get hung up on things.

Having friends who are obsessed with looks too probably doesn't help the case either.

HeavyHeaded

To answer another question too yes curls did help before the extensions I'd always back comb for body and curl for fullness. After getting some extensions in its actually less maintenance as I just wash and go now and can tie my hair up as I have a much more fuller pony tail. Still I get hung up on my own hair and its poor quality and I end up getting upset instead of just accepting that it is what it is

Is it a possibility, OP, that you're suffering from anxiety and your hair (it does seem to be particularly your hair) is a hook to hang that anxiety on? A focus for your general feelings of anxiety and insecurity? Please do mention it to your doctor, tell them about the time you spend thinking about your hair and the efforts you spend on it, as it does seem to occupy an unhealthy portion of your thoughts and your time. I think it could be more than just thin hair - but it's your hair that you zoom in on to explain your feelings generally. I know your hair is an issue with you, but it might be more than just your hair or looks at play here.

There is much more to all of us than our looks, and none of us is going to keep them. Even the most beautiful person in the world will age, it's a fact of life. Try to think of all the other things you have to offer that are unique to you. Are you funny? Educated? Caring? Clever? Fantastic at remembering what makes other people feel good? You're more than the sum of your looks, and while it's nice to be attractive it shouldn't be the only thing we define ourselves by. All the other good things about you are yours to keep forever, long after people stop eyeing you up in the street, they'll still want to listen to what you have to say if you focus on all the qualities you have inside.

Easier said than done, but ultimately you owe it to yourself to recognize all you have to offer beyond your appearance, for your own sake and self esteem.

LegacyUser

It is an unfortunate fact of life (in my observation) that since the use of social media became widespread and it's existence began to permeate our lives to the degree it has, that we all now live under the same level of scrutiny over our physical appearance that, in the pre-social-media era, only celebrities faced. The lowest standard for physical attractiveness that most people are willing to tolerate themselves possessing nowadays is to be actively good-looking.
I don't know about others, but when I was growing up in the 1990s/ early 2000s, most men looked to be much less into their physical appearance than now seems to be the case. While women have always taken more care in the appearance than men, it seems to me to be the case that the standards for physical attractiveness are indeed much higher now than say 15 years ago - whether this is the result of better nutrition, more self-focus, better make-up techniques, cosmetic surgery or whatever, it seems to be the case from where I am looking. Being "good-looking" was previously a term used to mark someone out of exceptional attractiveness whereas nowadays if someone isn't good-looking they feel really bad about themselves.
As a man, I feel a little bit sorry for todays women - while men have been made to be more self-conscious about their appearance than before, at least men are not judged primarily by society on their appearance - for women, the opposite is unfortunately typically the case.

It just is what it is - as material conditions improved, people had more resources to improve their appearance. With facebook, snapchat filters, instagram etc. life has went from being all about leaving school, moving away from everyone you used to know, working a job, meeting someone, being ignorantly (in the non-value-judgment sense) content with your lot to being about constant, unconsconscious social comparison with people you should have long since forgotten about, having to see other people who are way better looking than you getting lots of validation and compliments, the social status hierarchy of everyone you know being laid out and your place on it being visbile for all to see etc.. social media is an example of technology that went too far, we bit off more than we could chew and the average contentment of the population has diminishd as a result.
Just some thoughts I wanted to throw out. You have my sympathy.

Airyfairy12

nowadays_life_is_worse wrote: »

It is an unfortunate fact of life (in my observation) that since the use of social media became widespread and it's existence began to permeate our lives to the degree it has, that we all now live under the same level of scrutiny over our physical appearance that, in the pre-social-media era, only celebrities faced. The lowest standard for physical attractiveness that most people are willing to tolerate themselves possessing nowadays is to be actively good-looking.
I don't know about others, but when I was growing up in the 1990s/ early 2000s, most men looked to be much less into their physical appearance than now seems to be the case. While women have always taken more care in the appearance than men, it seems to me to be the case that the standards for physical attractiveness are indeed much higher now than say 15 years ago - whether this is the result of better nutrition, more self-focus, better make-up techniques, cosmetic surgery or whatever, it seems to be the case from where I am looking. Being "good-looking" was previously a term used to mark someone out of exceptional attractiveness whereas nowadays if someone isn't good-looking they feel really bad about themselves.
As a man, I feel a little bit sorry for todays women - while men have been made to be more self-conscious about their appearance than before, at least men are not judged primarily by society on their appearance - for women, the opposite is unfortunately typically the case.

It just is what it is - as material conditions improved, people had more resources to improve their appearance. With facebook, snapchat filters, instagram etc. life has went from being all about leaving school, moving away from everyone you used to know, working a job, meeting someone, being ignorantly (in the non-value-judgment sense) content with your lot to being about constant, unconsconscious social comparison with people you should have long since forgotten about, having to see other people who are way better looking than you getting lots of validation and compliments, the social status hierarchy of everyone you know being laid out and your place on it being visbile for all to see etc.. social media is an example of technology that went too far, we bit off more than we could chew and the average contentment of the population has diminishd as a result.
Just some thoughts I wanted to throw out. You have my sympathy.

I dont agree that women are primarily judged for their appearance, its a huge factor for sure, women are expected to look perfect these days but theyve also got the added pressures of being expected to have a good financially secure career a large circle of friends (popularity), educated to a high level with the expectation that women should be in relationships at the very least, ideally married otherwise theyre viewed as sad/lonely/desperate. Theyre also expected to be the primary homemakers while expected to stay looking 25 for ever, god forbid a woman should age and have wrinkles or grey hair.

There are huge pressures on women.

To the OP ive decent hair and skin and im fairly skinny but ive got plenty of insecurities too and im constantly comparing myself to girls who are more curvaceous and women who have more money, better careers, more friends and girls that are prettier than me. If I had my way id be younger, smarter with bigger boobs but im not and never will be. All you can do is accept yourself how you are. As I said previously eating good food and taking good care of yourself really helps but it wont make a bit of difference to how you feel unless you accept yourself as you are because you'll always find something about yourself that youre not happy with.

whitey1

Good for you realizing that there is an issue you want to address.....not alone have you taken the first step....youve taken the first 3/4 steps toward finding happiness. It took some courage to post on here

guppy

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

There are huge pressures on women.

To the OP ive decent hair and skin and im fairly skinny but ive got plenty of insecurities too and im constantly comparing myself to girls who are more curvaceous and women who have more money, better careers, more friends and girls that are prettier than me. If I had my way id be younger, smarter with bigger boobs but im not and never will be. All you can do is accept yourself how you are. As I said previously eating good food and taking good care of yourself really helps but it wont make a bit of difference to how you feel unless you accept yourself as you are because you'll always find something about yourself that youre not happy with.

You say women aren't judged by looks, but then carry on to list all the ways we are judged, and looks is definitely there!

Women are our worst enemies. I'm a little overweight, I have no sense of style, I'm not popular. I don't care! Who says I need to "fit in", and with whom? I love that my cars rear view mirror holds a TARRDIS, a cyberman, and a dalek, and I love that my partner loves that too.

I love all things sparkly (seriously, swarovski loves me!), yet I have my moments when I belch like a sailor! I dress to look good, but I'm not spending millions on it.

OP, it's hard to be a woman, it really is, but honestly, stop comparing yourself, find yourself and you will find your happiness. I know that's easier said than done, but that's the crux of your problem.

eviltwin

Where is this pressure on women people refer to. I've never felt under any pressure to be a certain way. I am who I am and if that's not okay for some people that's not my problem is it? But I've never felt not good enough so I'm curious where others feel that coming from.

OP no matter what you do if you are in this mindset you will always find someone to compare yourself against. Do you really think if you woke up with the body you've always wanted and the life you always wanted you would be okay? You'd still be finding something to fixate on. Real happiness comes from acceptance and that comes from within. If you see yourself as second best, people will pick up on that and treat you that way.

HeavyHeaded

nowadays_life_is_worse wrote: »

It is an unfortunate fact of life (in my observation) that since the use of social media became widespread and it's existence began to permeate our lives to the degree it has, that we all now live under the same level of scrutiny over our physical appearance that, in the pre-social-media era, only celebrities faced. The lowest standard for physical attractiveness that most people are willing to tolerate themselves possessing nowadays is to be actively good-looking.
I don't know about others, but when I was growing up in the 1990s/ early 2000s, most men looked to be much less into their physical appearance than now seems to be the case. While women have always taken more care in the appearance than men, it seems to me to be the case that the standards for physical attractiveness are indeed much higher now than say 15 years ago - whether this is the result of better nutrition, more self-focus, better make-up techniques, cosmetic surgery or whatever, it seems to be the case from where I am looking. Being "good-looking" was previously a term used to mark someone out of exceptional attractiveness whereas nowadays if someone isn't good-looking they feel really bad about themselves.
As a man, I feel a little bit sorry for todays women - while men have been made to be more self-conscious about their appearance than before, at least men are not judged primarily by society on their appearance - for women, the opposite is unfortunately typically the case.

It just is what it is - as material conditions improved, people had more resources to improve their appearance. With facebook, snapchat filters, instagram etc. life has went from being all about leaving school, moving away from everyone you used to know, working a job, meeting someone, being ignorantly (in the non-value-judgment sense) content with your lot to being about constant, unconsconscious social comparison with people you should have long since forgotten about, having to see other people who are way better looking than you getting lots of validation and compliments, the social status hierarchy of everyone you know being laid out and your place on it being visbile for all to see etc.. social media is an example of technology that went too far, we bit off more than we could chew and the average contentment of the population has diminishd as a result.
Just some thoughts I wanted to throw out. You have my sympathy.

Absolutely agree with you. I think that whatever about jobs, family etc these be all hidden on social media but its all about looking good physically. Well at least mine seems to be. As I said on here I've friends who are into their looks and will post selfies every other day.

I actually had someone tell me before I don't look anything like I look on Facebook. (Ouch, this was a girl I met while travelling so I looked rough obviously) but I guess its true we glam ourselves up for FB etc as its what most people see of us they don't see us first thing in the morning.

And yes I think I do fixate on my hair because I know I can fix or cover my face but can't fix my hair. I also had great hair growing up and don't anymore and that bothers me because I don't know why.

Addle

I've certainly felt judged for the way I look.
But I think that reflects negatively on the person doing the judging more than me.
Seriously, have people nothing better to think about?

Airyfairy12

guppy wrote: »

You say women aren't judged by looks, but then carry on to list all the ways we are judged, and looks is definitely there!

Women are our worst enemies. I'm a little overweight, I have no sense of style, I'm not popular. I don't care! Who says I need to "fit in", and with whom? I love that my cars rear view mirror holds a TARRDIS, a cyberman, and a dalek, and I love that my partner loves that too.

I love all things sparkly (seriously, swarovski loves me!), yet I have my moments when I belch like a sailor! I dress to look good, but I'm not spending millions on it.

OP, it's hard to be a woman, it really is, but honestly, stop comparing yourself, find yourself and you will find your happiness. I know that's easier said than done, but that's the crux of your problem.

I never said women arent judged for their looks. The poster I was replying to said that women are primarily (meaning for the most part) judged on their appearance, I corrected him as being a woman myself I feel huge pressures to not only look perfect but also all of the above which I mentioned.

Learn to read!

eviltwin

HeavyHeaded wrote: »

Absolutely agree with you. I think that whatever about jobs, family etc these be all hidden on social media but its all about looking good physically. Well at least mine seems to be. As I said on here I've friends who are into their looks and will post selfies every other day.

I actually had someone tell me before I don't look anything like I look on Facebook. (Ouch, this was a girl I met while travelling so I looked rough obviously) but I guess its true we glam ourselves up for FB etc as its what most people see of us they don't see us first thing in the morning.

And yes I think I do fixate on my hair because I know I can fix or cover my face but can't fix my hair. I also had great hair growing up and don't anymore and that bothers me because I don't know why.

I think it's sad you are so fixated on your physical attributes. Does your character and personality count for nothing?

Jenneke87

Hey OP,

One thing I can guarentee you is that you don't look half as bad in other people's eyes as you do in your own. Things you obsess about wouldn't cross people mind most of the time and know that everyone has their insecurities, even women that seem flawless. Ask yourself this: what's the worst that could happen if somebody doesn't find you attractive? They don't and you both continue with your lives. 
If you want to improve the way you look(and there's nothing wrong with that) would you consider getting a make-over to try and see how you can look your best? 
Feeling unattractive is a horrible feeling and I really hope you'll find a way to turn that around and see yourself in a more positive light!

Bambi985

HeavyHeaded wrote: »

Absolutely agree with you. I think that whatever about jobs, family etc these be all hidden on social media but its all about looking good physically. Well at least mine seems to be. As I said on here I've friends who are into their looks and will post selfies every other day.

I actually had someone tell me before I don't look anything like I look on Facebook. (Ouch, this was a girl I met while travelling so I looked rough obviously) but I guess its true we glam ourselves up for FB etc as its what most people see of us they don't see us first thing in the morning.

A lot of women don't look anything like their facebook/instagram/whatever social profiles though. That's the thing. Filters and facetune and photoshop etc are allowing a lot of people to enhance to an unrealistic standard that doesn't match their human faces/bodies in the light of day.

Ask any guy who online dates a lot - he'll tell you about the amount of "you don't look like your photos" women he's met for dates, it's a pretty common phenomenon. Social media has created this pressure to look flawless, celebrity-like, unhuman, and it's sad how many women thrive on the attention and validation of "likes" that comes with that. It probably creates an added layer of pressure to replicate that in real life too, hence the amount of women you see wearing far too much makeup and hair extensions, fake lashes, fake nails etc.

Your friends sound a bit like this with their selfie obsession and it's probably adding to your sense of inadequacy over your appearance. None of my friends are like that so it's something I tend to think about and talk about less.

Obviously I'm not going to tell you to ditch all your friends, but perhaps be aware of the bubble you're in due to your social circle. Maybe try to expand on it, meet people in other social environments that don't encourage people to focus too much on their appearance. Night classes or meetup groups perhaps. Or perhaps try to limit the time you spend with them and deepen your friendships with other people that aren't like this.