Feel so unattractive compared to other women

HeavyHeaded · 08-01-2017 5:04pm #1

I'm 31. Female. I look around and all I see are these gorgeous women. I shouldn't care at my age but I do. I go no where without hair extensions and make up. I get so angry that so many people my age are so naturally gorgeous and have all these things naturally, long luscious hair, sallow skin, attractive figures.

I'm a stone or two over weight I've lost a stone in the last few months. I feel angry that such shallow things are upsetting me. I just want to be beautiful like everyone else. I can see the big picture and I can see that there is much more important things to worry about.
I have days where I'm fine and days where I just hate myself.

I have a doctors appt tomorrow, for a none related reason but are these harsh thoughts about myself something I should be telling my doctor.

Are these somewhat normal feelings for someone my age?

tupenny · 08-01-2017 5:22pm

To be angry about such things isn't normal imo..
Why would u go nowhere minus hair extensions and make up?
Sorry but you come across as extremely shallow . The most unattractive thing about you is your attitude tbh

HeavyHeaded · 08-01-2017 5:26pm

tupenny wrote: »

To be angry about such things isn't normal imo..
Why would u go nowhere minus hair extensions and make up?
Sorry but you come across as extremely shallow . The most unattractive thing about you is your attitude tbh

Because without them I feel unattractive and ugly. I have pale skin. Really thin fine hair and I feel too embarrassed to go without that being the reason why im posting, I don't choose to feel this low and really don't need your "the most unattractive thing about your is your attitude" judgement

munster87 · 08-01-2017 5:29pm

tupenny wrote: »

To be angry about such things isn't normal imo..
Why would u go nowhere minus hair extensions and make up?
Sorry but you come across as extremely shallow . The most unattractive thing about you is your attitude tbh

Not coming across too great there yourself

dar100 · 08-01-2017 5:30pm

tupenny wrote: »

To be angry about such things isn't normal imo..
Why would u go nowhere minus hair extensions and make up?
Sorry but you come across as extremely shallow . The most unattractive thing about you is your attitude tbh

That's very harsh indeed!! The op is talking about esteem issues and you're just adding to them with that statement!!

I find your attitude to be far worse, and an indication

LegacyUser · 08-01-2017 5:31pm

tupenny wrote: »

To be angry about such things isn't normal imo..
Why would u go nowhere minus hair extensions and make up?
Sorry but you come across as extremely shallow . The most unattractive thing about you is your attitude tbh

Never been in this forum before , arrived here by accident but anyway..

What an absolutely horrible thing to say to someone who's feeling low

LegacyUser · 08-01-2017 5:31pm

tupenny wrote: »

To be angry about such things isn't normal imo..
Why would u go nowhere minus hair extensions and make up?
Sorry but you come across as extremely shallow . The most unattractive thing about you is your attitude tbh

What a horrible thing to say

tupenny · 08-01-2017 5:31pm

Well I apologise if that isn't the case. Your post just came across that way tof me.
Why be angry at other people though? Wasted emotions.
You're obviously putting effort into your appearance, and probably more attractive than you think. We're all (well almost all) our harshest critics

njs030 · 08-01-2017 5:32pm

You sound like you have low self esteem op and are comparing how you feel on the inside to other people's outsides. No one looks the same in make up as they do without it but it should be an enhancement rather than a mask.

I do think you should talk to your doctor about how you feel.

eviltwin · 08-01-2017 5:35pm

OP how long have you felt like this? Would you have experienced any negative comments over the natural you that has triggered this or is it all coming from yourself?

Airyfairy12 · 08-01-2017 5:39pm

Even the very attractive women feel insecure about how they look so theres no point comparing yourself to them but if you're so unhappy with your body then why not try to change? if you want to have naturally long, nice hair then why do you use hair extensions? everyone knows how much damage they cause to hair so why not just grow it naturally? you could take Biotin or hair supplements to increase growth and thickness. If you're not happy with your body then change it. The reason those women have such nice hair and figures is because they look after their diet and how they treat their hair. It doesnt mean they dont eat or they only eat healthy food its just likely that their diets are balanced and they dont over eat, they might so some physical activities too like yoga, go to the gym or walking. Its certainly not unattainable it just means changing some habits and setting goals to work towards.

nkav86 · 08-01-2017 6:03pm

I feel the same a lot of the time but for me, I know I've got self confidence issues and am getting help to deal with it. I'd suggest you do the same and a great start would be to talk to your doctor. It's this type of thing that can spiral into other more serious areas.

By the sounds of things you take care of yourself and do your best to look your best, but I find confidence can be the most attractive feature in a person.

OP don't be too hard on yourself, chances are, someone has seen you and wished their hair/skin/eyes looked as good as yours.

GingerLily · 08-01-2017 6:12pm

OP,I understand how you feel, I live in an area full of very glamorous people, the kind that wear makeup to the gym!

I am always told how I don't need tan / make / hair straightening etc but I don't believe it! I'm trying slowly to use less and less gradually and it's going well, I invest in skincare now over makeup and it makes me a lot more confident leaving the house with out makeup (always with undereye corrector though, I need it!)

No advice OP but I thought you should know your not alone

Big Bag of Chips · 08-01-2017 6:44pm

You could probably bet your last euro that the women you envy have much the same insecurities as you do. Very attractive people you see, who look stunning with beautiful faces and hair etc are not ungroomed!! Very few people have hair that is effortlessly perfect. Very few people have beautiful faces and features that don't use makeup, subtle or otherwise to enhance themselves. There might be a few, but they're a rare breed, and certainly not everyone!

I remember being in my early 20s and not long with my husband. We were in a 'posers' pub in his area. I was a bit uneasy going in, as I was in a basic jeans/jumper combo.. but thought being 3pm on a Saturday afternoon I'd be safe enough!! I actually ended up in tears, real proper crying tears in the place. I felt so frumpy and out of place. It wasn't very busy, but every other woman in there was dolled up as if she was off to a wedding!!! Now for context, I've never been bigger than a size 10. I'm average looking enough (my husband thinks/thought I was gorgeous back then!!) I was never really big into makeup and mini skirts and all the rest, but that day I felt so low. I felt frumpy and ugly. It's a feeling I never had before and it took me by surprise. I still can't believe I ended up crying, but even now I remember that feeling I had and again it makes me feel awful. I was comparing myself to these stunners and I was coming up very very short. Even though I was never particularly image/fashion conscious before. I don't know did I even own a hair straightener at that point!! I think my poor husband got a bit of a fright, because the reaction was so out of character for me. He knew I wasn't the vain, insecure type. I never again set foot in the place... So, I get it!

The thing is, there will always be someone prettier than you. There will always be someone more glamorous than you, slimmer than you, better clothes than you etc... And that's true for everyone! Even all those people with beautiful hair/skin/figures/clothes etc. They will be just as insecure, if not more so than us "plainer Janes" who don't expect a whole lot from ourselves!!

I'm being a bit tongue in cheek here, OP, but I hope you understand what I'm trying to say. I think it would be no harm to speak to your GP about it. They might be help to guide you towards help with the thoughts, but just know you are not alone. You are certainly not alone.

HeavyHeaded · 08-01-2017 7:15pm

Thanks for the advise that I am not alone in my feelings. As most of my friends would be less bothered by this kinda thing they don't really relate.

With regards growing my hair, as a blond I don't have very thick or very much hair so even though its very long its not very luscious therefore I got some extensions in to boost my confidence a bit by making it thicker.

I don't wear a lot of make up just a bit of foundation, mascara and some blush so I don't over do it.

About my weight, I joined a group and have lost a stone since before Christmas so I'm hoping to continue down that road.

It's just in my ever day I see so many effortless women that look great and I'm so envious. I get upset at myself then for caring.

HeavyHeaded · 08-01-2017 7:19pm

Actually an example would be earlier I was in Tesco and there was a girl serving me and she was I would guess she was maybe of Pakistani decent and had the most gorgeous skin and hair and I just there and then felt bad. As I'm getting older too I know I'm not going to get any better looking.
Its so stupid really I know how stupid it all sounds. Just imagining how easier life would be if I'd been born with gorgeous thick hair and how I'd be so much more confident but I'm not frustrates me.

Big Bag of Chips · 08-01-2017 7:22pm

HeavyHeaded wrote: »

It's just in my ever day I see so many effortless women

They're rarely effortless!!

I saw someone on telly commenting on some celebrity who had gotten a pixie cut, Anne Hathaway maybe? They were saying how easy to manage the cut would have been and someone pointed out that it takes a lot of effort to look that effortless!

dudara · 08-01-2017 7:38pm

HeavyHeaded wrote: »

Its so stupid really I know how stupid it all sounds. Just imagining how easier life would be if I'd been born with gorgeous thick hair and how I'd be so much more confident but I'm not frustrates me.

We can all wish for things until the cows come home. I hated my thick, wavy hair when I was a teenager, and I still sometimes see a woman with a lovely geometric haircut and I think "Wow, I wish I could do that". But you know what, I love my thick, wavy hair and I love its natural colour. And any feeling of enviousness I have passes very quickly.

Everyday, I work with women who look stunning and dress gorgeously. I'm no slouch, but I'm not going to spend 30 min - 60 min every morning getting ready. I value my time much more, and I'm quiet happy with that.

You really have to learn to be happy in your own skin. And that's not easy to achieve. True happiness, contentment and acceptance comes from deep within. Instead of focussing on your negatives, you need to look at your positives, and what makes you great.

Neyite · 08-01-2017 7:50pm

tupenny wrote: »

To be angry about such things isn't normal imo..
Why would u go nowhere minus hair extensions and make up?
Sorry but you come across as extremely shallow . The most unattractive thing about you is your attitude tbh

Mod:

Tupenny, we expect that replies are helpful and constructive to a person who posts here. Your post falls far short of that standard. We also don't allow posters to bash each other here. People come here for support and helpful advice. Please have a read of the charter if you are unsure of acceptable standards here.

bee06 · 08-01-2017 9:19pm

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

They're rarely effortless!!

I saw someone on telly commenting on some celebrity who had gotten a pixie cut, Anne Hathaway maybe? They were saying how easy to manage the cut would have been and someone pointed out that it takes a lot of effort to look that effortless!

So true! Usually those effortless looking girls have spent 2 hours contouring and straightening and stuff I've probably never heard of to look like that.

OP, as someone else said, there will always be someone prettier than you, skinnier than you, smarter than you. Comparing yourself to other people is a fruitless, soul destroying exercise. You are who you are, wishing you were someone else is a waste of time and energy. Spend that energy on loving who you are instead.

HeavyHeaded · 08-01-2017 10:01pm

I agree with what everyone is saying. I would give someone else the very same advise.

I don't necessarily want to be someone else I just wish I had things they seem to be able to achieve. Like my hair. I have always been conscious of my hair for as long as I can remember. Extensions having given me so much confidence but also worry that I'm doing more damage.
I know I can lose weight if I keep at the diet I'm on.
I think also some of my self esteem issues come from my lack of compliments/encouragement through out my life, as in I was always "the friend" never got much notice

The Raptor · 08-01-2017 10:15pm

I think you're only picking the people you want to see when you're out. I'm overweight, everywhere I go there's women even bigger than me. We're not all that perfect.

Big Bag of Chips · 08-01-2017 10:15pm

Do you know what though, HeavyHead, physical attractiveness is just one part of what attracts someone to us. No question it is what grabs someone's attention initially. But after that it's down to your personality. Your own confidence. Not everyone in the world are oil painted natural beauties, in fact a very small minority are! The rest of us are average at best, and some, God help them are "unfortunate looking" (to use a more kind phrase!) Yet, the huge majority of people are in relationships. Meet someone that they like and gel with and just hit it off. Like I said, I'm fairly ordinary looking, very average, I know there are thousands of woman more attractive than I am, yet there was something about me that made my husband decide he was happy to spend his life with me.

It's not all about looks. It can feel that way sometimes, but it's not. If you could become happy in your own skin, then that in itself would be attractive to very many people. If you're happy, you will look happy, and people will be want to be near you. It's very clichéd, but it is true.

cactusgal · 08-01-2017 10:57pm

+100 to what Big Bag of Chips just said. Inner beauty is hugely hugely important! That's the one that'll last you a lifetime.
Re the hair extensions, I'm like you, OP. I've got very very fine hair, it does not grow long or thick, no matter what vitamins or supplements or expensive products I've tried over the years. I've got fine hair and that's that. I wear Easilocks extensions to thicken it up, I take breaks from time to time and the condition of my natural hair is still OK. I totally see women with gorgeous, natural hair and I think how lucky they are, but I'm just so glad that:

1. I earn enough money to wear hair extensions from time to time.

2. I actually have hair covering my scalp - I know several women who are losing their hair. Young women. That can't be easy.

I'm a few years older than you, and I do understand where you're coming from. All I can say is, don't waste the present. I'd love to be a girl of 31 again, ha!

Another thing - If you're in good health, enjoy it and really remember to be thankful for it. Inner health and beauty is what matters.

Love yourself.

LegacyUser · 08-01-2017 11:57pm

My mum has chin-length thick hair& has to have it professionally blow dried once a week so it doesn't look like an Afro. That's over €1k& a day out of life, every year.
I have shoulder-length thick hair, & 95% of the time, wear it in a ponytail so it doesn't go out of control. I've spent a fortune on mousse, oils, serums, ect to tame it& stop it frizzing.
My sister has waist length thick hair. Again, ponytail 95% of the time. Washes once/wk cos takes 2 hours to dry. Takes about an hour to blow dry into a style.
Friend of mine gets up at 6.30am every morn solely to spent 40 mins blow drying her hair into a manageable shape.
Leg& underarm& bikini hair maintenance for us- well, you can imagine the challenges there!!!
So, believe me, we envy your time& your freedom having fine hair!

LynnGrace · 09-01-2017 12:57am

A lot of good advice given above, OP. Just to add, yes, I would mention it to your doctor how you are feeling, and how it is affecting you.

All the best.

kmgirl1 · 09-01-2017 10:46am

I plan on replying to your original comment at length later on as it really struck me, but please do know that you are not alone in feeling this way and it is something that can only really be fixed from the inside out! Please ignore all the haters - I know that your attitude is something you want to change - it's about self-confidence and insecurity so it's extremely unfair that people are calling you shallow. Have a good day and I'll post again to you later on

GritBiscuit · 09-01-2017 10:53am

Very few people have it all OP. Some look good, some have great brains, some born to riches, etc, etc...for the rest of us we have to make do with what we have, which is usually pretty average. I get down when I think about the things I don't have - but you have to keep things in perspective. How many billion people do you think would give their right arm to have your life? Your looks? Your flaws?

It's a bit of a cliché but I would honestly recommend doing charity work. When you've helped out on a children's cancer ward then our "terrible afflictions" that make life so "awful" (my past emphasis, not yours) suddenly melt into pretty small potatoes.

All the best

HeavyHeaded · 09-01-2017 2:20pm

cactusgal wrote: »

+100 to what Big Bag of Chips just said. Inner beauty is hugely hugely important! That's the one that'll last you a lifetime.
Re the hair extensions, I'm like you, OP. I've got very very fine hair, it does not grow long or thick, no matter what vitamins or supplements or expensive products I've tried over the years. I've got fine hair and that's that. I wear Easilocks extensions to thicken it up, I take breaks from time to time and the condition of my natural hair is still OK. I totally see women with gorgeous, natural hair and I think how lucky they are, but I'm just so glad that:

1. I earn enough money to wear hair extensions from time to time.

2. I actually have hair covering my scalp - I know several women who are losing their hair. Young women. That can't be easy.

I'm a few years older than you, and I do understand where you're coming from. All I can say is, don't waste the present. I'd love to be a girl of 31 again, ha!

Another thing - If you're in good health, enjoy it and really remember to be thankful for it. Inner health and beauty is what matters.

Love yourself.

I have such a fear that they are doing damage that it brings a lot of anxiety with it. I look back on photos of me about 10 years ago and I had amazing hair. Its really difficult to accept.

HeavyHeaded · 09-01-2017 2:22pm

GritBiscuit wrote: »

Very few people have it all OP. Some look good, some have great brains, some born to riches, etc, etc...for the rest of us we have to make do with what we have, which is usually pretty average. I get down when I think about the things I don't have - but you have to keep things in perspective. How many billion people do you think would give their right arm to have your life? Your looks? Your flaws?

It's a bit of a cliché but I would honestly recommend doing charity work. When you've helped out on a children's cancer ward then our "terrible afflictions" that make life so "awful" (my past emphasis, not yours) suddenly melt into pretty small potatoes.

All the best

I actually was in parts of Asia a few months ago and seen some horrible things (not the same of course) and absolutely puts things in perspective and of course I realise I have other great things going on. I think not feeling attractive is one thing that can be improved but having bad hair is the first thing people see and I think that's why it gets me so down. I know how vain it all sounds but I promise I am absolutely not a shallow or vain person.

cactusgal · 09-01-2017 2:22pm

HeavyHeaded wrote: »

cactusgal wrote: »

+100 to what Big Bag of Chips just said. Inner beauty is hugely hugely important! That's the one that'll last you a lifetime.
Re the hair extensions, I'm like you, OP. I've got very very fine hair, it does not grow long or thick, no matter what vitamins or supplements or expensive products I've tried over the years. I've got fine hair and that's that. I wear Easilocks extensions to thicken it up, I take breaks from time to time and the condition of my natural hair is still OK. I totally see women with gorgeous, natural hair and I think how lucky they are, but I'm just so glad that:

1. I earn enough money to wear hair extensions from time to time.

2. I actually have hair covering my scalp - I know several women who are losing their hair. Young women. That can't be easy.

I'm a few years older than you, and I do understand where you're coming from. All I can say is, don't waste the present. I'd love to be a girl of 31 again, ha!

Another thing - If you're in good health, enjoy it and really remember to be thankful for it. Inner health and beauty is what matters.

Love yourself.

I have such a fear that they are doing damage that it brings a lot of anxiety with it. I look back on photos of me about 10 years ago and I had amazing hair. Its really difficult to accept.

Hmm, if that's the case, maybe take a break from them? My hair never looked amazing, now or ten years ago! Can I ask what brand you use?

Feel so unattractive compared to other women

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