Feel so unattractive compared to other women

HeavyHeaded

I'm 31. Female. I look around and all I see are these gorgeous women. I shouldn't care at my age but I do. I go no where without hair extensions and make up. I get so angry that so many people my age are so naturally gorgeous and have all these things naturally, long luscious hair, sallow skin, attractive figures.

I'm a stone or two over weight I've lost a stone in the last few months. I feel angry that such shallow things are upsetting me. I just want to be beautiful like everyone else. I can see the big picture and I can see that there is much more important things to worry about.
I have days where I'm fine and days where I just hate myself.

I have a doctors appt tomorrow, for a none related reason but are these harsh thoughts about myself something I should be telling my doctor.

Are these somewhat normal feelings for someone my age?

tupenny

To be angry about such things isn't normal imo..
Why would u go nowhere minus hair extensions and make up?
Sorry but you come across as extremely shallow . The most unattractive thing about you is your attitude tbh

HeavyHeaded

tupenny wrote: »

To be angry about such things isn't normal imo..
Why would u go nowhere minus hair extensions and make up?
Sorry but you come across as extremely shallow . The most unattractive thing about you is your attitude tbh

Because without them I feel unattractive and ugly. I have pale skin. Really thin fine hair and I feel too embarrassed to go without that being the reason why im posting, I don't choose to feel this low and really don't need your "the most unattractive thing about your is your attitude" judgement

munster87

tupenny wrote: »

To be angry about such things isn't normal imo..
Why would u go nowhere minus hair extensions and make up?
Sorry but you come across as extremely shallow . The most unattractive thing about you is your attitude tbh

Not coming across too great there yourself

dar100

tupenny wrote: »

To be angry about such things isn't normal imo..
Why would u go nowhere minus hair extensions and make up?
Sorry but you come across as extremely shallow . The most unattractive thing about you is your attitude tbh

That's very harsh indeed!! The op is talking about esteem issues and you're just adding to them with that statement!!

I find your attitude to be far worse, and an indication

LegacyUser

tupenny wrote: »

To be angry about such things isn't normal imo..
Why would u go nowhere minus hair extensions and make up?
Sorry but you come across as extremely shallow . The most unattractive thing about you is your attitude tbh

Never been in this forum before , arrived here by accident but anyway..

What an absolutely horrible thing to say to someone who's feeling low

LegacyUser

tupenny wrote: »

To be angry about such things isn't normal imo..
Why would u go nowhere minus hair extensions and make up?
Sorry but you come across as extremely shallow . The most unattractive thing about you is your attitude tbh

What a horrible thing to say

tupenny

Well I apologise if that isn't the case. Your post just came across that way tof me.
Why be angry at other people though? Wasted emotions.
You're obviously putting effort into your appearance, and probably more attractive than you think. We're all (well almost all) our harshest critics

njs030

You sound like you have low self esteem op and are comparing how you feel on the inside to other people's outsides. No one looks the same in make up as they do without it but it should be an enhancement rather than a mask.

I do think you should talk to your doctor about how you feel.

eviltwin

OP how long have you felt like this? Would you have experienced any negative comments over the natural you that has triggered this or is it all coming from yourself?

Airyfairy12

Even the very attractive women feel insecure about how they look so theres no point comparing yourself to them but if you're so unhappy with your body then why not try to change? if you want to have naturally long, nice hair then why do you use hair extensions? everyone knows how much damage they cause to hair so why not just grow it naturally? you could take Biotin or hair supplements to increase growth and thickness. If you're not happy with your body then change it. The reason those women have such nice hair and figures is because they look after their diet and how they treat their hair. It doesnt mean they dont eat or they only eat healthy food its just likely that their diets are balanced and they dont over eat, they might so some physical activities too like yoga, go to the gym or walking. Its certainly not unattainable it just means changing some habits and setting goals to work towards.

nkav86

I feel the same a lot of the time but for me, I know I've got self confidence issues and am getting help to deal with it. I'd suggest you do the same and a great start would be to talk to your doctor. It's this type of thing that can spiral into other more serious areas.

By the sounds of things you take care of yourself and do your best to look your best, but I find confidence can be the most attractive feature in a person.

OP don't be too hard on yourself, chances are, someone has seen you and wished their hair/skin/eyes looked as good as yours.

GingerLily

OP,I understand how you feel, I live in an area full of very glamorous people, the kind that wear makeup to the gym!

I am always told how I don't need tan / make / hair straightening etc but I don't believe it! I'm trying slowly to use less and less gradually and it's going well, I invest in skincare now over makeup and it makes me a lot more confident leaving the house with out makeup (always with undereye corrector though, I need it!)

No advice OP but I thought you should know your not alone

Big Bag of Chips

You could probably bet your last euro that the women you envy have much the same insecurities as you do. Very attractive people you see, who look stunning with beautiful faces and hair etc are not ungroomed!! Very few people have hair that is effortlessly perfect. Very few people have beautiful faces and features that don't use makeup, subtle or otherwise to enhance themselves. There might be a few, but they're a rare breed, and certainly not everyone!

I remember being in my early 20s and not long with my husband. We were in a 'posers' pub in his area. I was a bit uneasy going in, as I was in a basic jeans/jumper combo.. but thought being 3pm on a Saturday afternoon I'd be safe enough!! I actually ended up in tears, real proper crying tears in the place. I felt so frumpy and out of place. It wasn't very busy, but every other woman in there was dolled up as if she was off to a wedding!!! Now for context, I've never been bigger than a size 10. I'm average looking enough (my husband thinks/thought I was gorgeous back then!!) I was never really big into makeup and mini skirts and all the rest, but that day I felt so low. I felt frumpy and ugly. It's a feeling I never had before and it took me by surprise. I still can't believe I ended up crying, but even now I remember that feeling I had and again it makes me feel awful. I was comparing myself to these stunners and I was coming up very very short. Even though I was never particularly image/fashion conscious before. I don't know did I even own a hair straightener at that point!! I think my poor husband got a bit of a fright, because the reaction was so out of character for me. He knew I wasn't the vain, insecure type. I never again set foot in the place... So, I get it!

The thing is, there will always be someone prettier than you. There will always be someone more glamorous than you, slimmer than you, better clothes than you etc... And that's true for everyone! Even all those people with beautiful hair/skin/figures/clothes etc. They will be just as insecure, if not more so than us "plainer Janes" who don't expect a whole lot from ourselves!!

I'm being a bit tongue in cheek here, OP, but I hope you understand what I'm trying to say. I think it would be no harm to speak to your GP about it. They might be help to guide you towards help with the thoughts, but just know you are not alone. You are certainly not alone.

HeavyHeaded

Thanks for the advise that I am not alone in my feelings. As most of my friends would be less bothered by this kinda thing they don't really relate.

With regards growing my hair, as a blond I don't have very thick or very much hair so even though its very long its not very luscious therefore I got some extensions in to boost my confidence a bit by making it thicker.

I don't wear a lot of make up just a bit of foundation, mascara and some blush so I don't over do it.

About my weight, I joined a group and have lost a stone since before Christmas so I'm hoping to continue down that road.

It's just in my ever day I see so many effortless women that look great and I'm so envious. I get upset at myself then for caring.

HeavyHeaded

Actually an example would be earlier I was in Tesco and there was a girl serving me and she was I would guess she was maybe of Pakistani decent and had the most gorgeous skin and hair and I just there and then felt bad. As I'm getting older too I know I'm not going to get any better looking.
Its so stupid really I know how stupid it all sounds. Just imagining how easier life would be if I'd been born with gorgeous thick hair and how I'd be so much more confident but I'm not frustrates me.

Big Bag of Chips

HeavyHeaded wrote: »

It's just in my ever day I see so many effortless women

They're rarely effortless!!

I saw someone on telly commenting on some celebrity who had gotten a pixie cut, Anne Hathaway maybe? They were saying how easy to manage the cut would have been and someone pointed out that it takes a lot of effort to look that effortless!

dudara

HeavyHeaded wrote: »

Its so stupid really I know how stupid it all sounds. Just imagining how easier life would be if I'd been born with gorgeous thick hair and how I'd be so much more confident but I'm not frustrates me.

We can all wish for things until the cows come home. I hated my thick, wavy hair when I was a teenager, and I still sometimes see a woman with a lovely geometric haircut and I think "Wow, I wish I could do that". But you know what, I love my thick, wavy hair and I love its natural colour. And any feeling of enviousness I have passes very quickly.

Everyday, I work with women who look stunning and dress gorgeously. I'm no slouch, but I'm not going to spend 30 min - 60 min every morning getting ready. I value my time much more, and I'm quiet happy with that.

You really have to learn to be happy in your own skin. And that's not easy to achieve. True happiness, contentment and acceptance comes from deep within. Instead of focussing on your negatives, you need to look at your positives, and what makes you great.

Neyite

tupenny wrote: »

To be angry about such things isn't normal imo..
Why would u go nowhere minus hair extensions and make up?
Sorry but you come across as extremely shallow . The most unattractive thing about you is your attitude tbh

Mod:

Tupenny, we expect that replies are helpful and constructive to a person who posts here. Your post falls far short of that standard. We also don't allow posters to bash each other here. People come here for support and helpful advice. Please have a read of the charter if you are unsure of acceptable standards here.

bee06

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

They're rarely effortless!!

I saw someone on telly commenting on some celebrity who had gotten a pixie cut, Anne Hathaway maybe? They were saying how easy to manage the cut would have been and someone pointed out that it takes a lot of effort to look that effortless!

So true! Usually those effortless looking girls have spent 2 hours contouring and straightening and stuff I've probably never heard of to look like that.

OP, as someone else said, there will always be someone prettier than you, skinnier than you, smarter than you. Comparing yourself to other people is a fruitless, soul destroying exercise. You are who you are, wishing you were someone else is a waste of time and energy. Spend that energy on loving who you are instead.

HeavyHeaded

I agree with what everyone is saying. I would give someone else the very same advise.

I don't necessarily want to be someone else I just wish I had things they seem to be able to achieve. Like my hair. I have always been conscious of my hair for as long as I can remember. Extensions having given me so much confidence but also worry that I'm doing more damage.
I know I can lose weight if I keep at the diet I'm on.
I think also some of my self esteem issues come from my lack of compliments/encouragement through out my life, as in I was always "the friend" never got much notice

The Raptor

I think you're only picking the people you want to see when you're out. I'm overweight, everywhere I go there's women even bigger than me. We're not all that perfect.

Big Bag of Chips

Do you know what though, HeavyHead, physical attractiveness is just one part of what attracts someone to us. No question it is what grabs someone's attention initially. But after that it's down to your personality. Your own confidence. Not everyone in the world are oil painted natural beauties, in fact a very small minority are! The rest of us are average at best, and some, God help them are "unfortunate looking" (to use a more kind phrase!) Yet, the huge majority of people are in relationships. Meet someone that they like and gel with and just hit it off. Like I said, I'm fairly ordinary looking, very average, I know there are thousands of woman more attractive than I am, yet there was something about me that made my husband decide he was happy to spend his life with me.

It's not all about looks. It can feel that way sometimes, but it's not. If you could become happy in your own skin, then that in itself would be attractive to very many people. If you're happy, you will look happy, and people will be want to be near you. It's very clichéd, but it is true.

cactusgal

+100 to what Big Bag of Chips just said. Inner beauty is hugely hugely important! That's the one that'll last you a lifetime.
Re the hair extensions, I'm like you, OP. I've got very very fine hair, it does not grow long or thick, no matter what vitamins or supplements or expensive products I've tried over the years. I've got fine hair and that's that. I wear Easilocks extensions to thicken it up, I take breaks from time to time and the condition of my natural hair is still OK. I totally see women with gorgeous, natural hair and I think how lucky they are, but I'm just so glad that:

1. I earn enough money to wear hair extensions from time to time.

2. I actually have hair covering my scalp - I know several women who are losing their hair. Young women. That can't be easy.

I'm a few years older than you, and I do understand where you're coming from. All I can say is, don't waste the present. I'd love to be a girl of 31 again, ha!

Another thing - If you're in good health, enjoy it and really remember to be thankful for it. Inner health and beauty is what matters.

Love yourself.

LegacyUser

My mum has chin-length thick hair& has to have it professionally blow dried once a week so it doesn't look like an Afro. That's over €1k& a day out of life, every year.
I have shoulder-length thick hair, & 95% of the time, wear it in a ponytail so it doesn't go out of control. I've spent a fortune on mousse, oils, serums, ect to tame it& stop it frizzing.
My sister has waist length thick hair. Again, ponytail 95% of the time. Washes once/wk cos takes 2 hours to dry. Takes about an hour to blow dry into a style.
Friend of mine gets up at 6.30am every morn solely to spent 40 mins blow drying her hair into a manageable shape.
Leg& underarm& bikini hair maintenance for us- well, you can imagine the challenges there!!!
So, believe me, we envy your time& your freedom having fine hair!

LynnGrace

A lot of good advice given above, OP. Just to add, yes, I would mention it to your doctor how you are feeling, and how it is affecting you.

All the best.

kmgirl1

I plan on replying to your original comment at length later on as it really struck me, but please do know that you are not alone in feeling this way and it is something that can only really be fixed from the inside out! Please ignore all the haters - I know that your attitude is something you want to change - it's about self-confidence and insecurity so it's extremely unfair that people are calling you shallow. Have a good day and I'll post again to you later on

GritBiscuit

Very few people have it all OP. Some look good, some have great brains, some born to riches, etc, etc...for the rest of us we have to make do with what we have, which is usually pretty average. I get down when I think about the things I don't have - but you have to keep things in perspective. How many billion people do you think would give their right arm to have your life? Your looks? Your flaws?

It's a bit of a cliché but I would honestly recommend doing charity work. When you've helped out on a children's cancer ward then our "terrible afflictions" that make life so "awful" (my past emphasis, not yours) suddenly melt into pretty small potatoes.

All the best

HeavyHeaded

cactusgal wrote: »

+100 to what Big Bag of Chips just said. Inner beauty is hugely hugely important! That's the one that'll last you a lifetime.
Re the hair extensions, I'm like you, OP. I've got very very fine hair, it does not grow long or thick, no matter what vitamins or supplements or expensive products I've tried over the years. I've got fine hair and that's that. I wear Easilocks extensions to thicken it up, I take breaks from time to time and the condition of my natural hair is still OK. I totally see women with gorgeous, natural hair and I think how lucky they are, but I'm just so glad that:

1. I earn enough money to wear hair extensions from time to time.

2. I actually have hair covering my scalp - I know several women who are losing their hair. Young women. That can't be easy.

I'm a few years older than you, and I do understand where you're coming from. All I can say is, don't waste the present. I'd love to be a girl of 31 again, ha!

Another thing - If you're in good health, enjoy it and really remember to be thankful for it. Inner health and beauty is what matters.

Love yourself.

I have such a fear that they are doing damage that it brings a lot of anxiety with it. I look back on photos of me about 10 years ago and I had amazing hair. Its really difficult to accept.

HeavyHeaded

GritBiscuit wrote: »

Very few people have it all OP. Some look good, some have great brains, some born to riches, etc, etc...for the rest of us we have to make do with what we have, which is usually pretty average. I get down when I think about the things I don't have - but you have to keep things in perspective. How many billion people do you think would give their right arm to have your life? Your looks? Your flaws?

It's a bit of a cliché but I would honestly recommend doing charity work. When you've helped out on a children's cancer ward then our "terrible afflictions" that make life so "awful" (my past emphasis, not yours) suddenly melt into pretty small potatoes.

All the best

I actually was in parts of Asia a few months ago and seen some horrible things (not the same of course) and absolutely puts things in perspective and of course I realise I have other great things going on. I think not feeling attractive is one thing that can be improved but having bad hair is the first thing people see and I think that's why it gets me so down. I know how vain it all sounds but I promise I am absolutely not a shallow or vain person.

cactusgal

HeavyHeaded wrote: »

cactusgal wrote: »

+100 to what Big Bag of Chips just said. Inner beauty is hugely hugely important! That's the one that'll last you a lifetime.
Re the hair extensions, I'm like you, OP. I've got very very fine hair, it does not grow long or thick, no matter what vitamins or supplements or expensive products I've tried over the years. I've got fine hair and that's that. I wear Easilocks extensions to thicken it up, I take breaks from time to time and the condition of my natural hair is still OK. I totally see women with gorgeous, natural hair and I think how lucky they are, but I'm just so glad that:

1. I earn enough money to wear hair extensions from time to time.

2. I actually have hair covering my scalp - I know several women who are losing their hair. Young women. That can't be easy.

I'm a few years older than you, and I do understand where you're coming from. All I can say is, don't waste the present. I'd love to be a girl of 31 again, ha!

Another thing - If you're in good health, enjoy it and really remember to be thankful for it. Inner health and beauty is what matters.

Love yourself.

I have such a fear that they are doing damage that it brings a lot of anxiety with it. I look back on photos of me about 10 years ago and I had amazing hair. Its really difficult to accept.

Hmm, if that's the case, maybe take a break from them? My hair never looked amazing, now or ten years ago! Can I ask what brand you use?

HeavyHeaded

cactusgal wrote: »

Hmm, if that's the case, maybe take a break from them? My hair never looked amazing, now or ten years ago! Can I ask what brand you use?

Easilocks, only been using them a few months.
I wore clip ins a good bit before getting these in. I would take a break from them except I actually am afraid of going back to not having them. As I think it will be such a shock to me and I won't want anyone to see me.

(I'm aware this all sounds ridiculous)

yermandan

Hi OP, have you ever considered counselling/psychotherapy for your issue? As said previously, the actual issue probably has very little to do with your appearance and is something that can be worked on and conquered!!

My life changed when I stopped comparing myself to others, whether it was to build myself up or bring myself down. Your worth and confidence has nothing to do with your physical appearance and comes from within, sometimes it just takes some exploration and dedication to finding it.

BTW none of it sounds ridiculous, it matters to you and is hugely impacting your life so it needs to be addressed.

Best of luck to you

Lux23

I am overweight, my hair and skin are often in s***e but I find the worst thing for my self-esteem is to compare myself to others. I am must happier if I just judge myself against myself, i.e. I am twenty pounds lighter today that I was last year. Maybe you just need to retrain those thoughts?

Big Bag of Chips

Another thing you should try to remember is nobody is half as bothered by or interested in your imperfections as you are. Everyone else is far too busy worrying about their own! Seriously!!

And if someone sees you with thin hair, who wouldn't have seen it before they might think "Jesus, I never realised HeavyHead's hair was that thin. God, she must wear extensions or a wig most of the time..... Do I have enough milk at home or will I pick up a 2 ltr?" And then you're put to the back of their mind and not really thought about again.

I understand how this is a big issue for you, but try not let the issue become what other people think of you. Because, other people don't think of you as much as you'd think! Everyone has insecurities, and hang ups, and their own 1001 things going on in the heads that need to be done/organised/sorted out. Very few people have time to be going around thinking about us by our looks/skin/hair etc.

Do speak to your doctor. I can't remember if you mentioned anxiety, but if it is something you suffer with then this is just another arm of that.

Daisy78

I have long thick hair, pretty decent skin, two of the things you mentioned in your original post that you would like to like to have. However I have other features that I have spent more of my time fretting over, things I wished I could change than giving any time to the nicer features I do have. For example my nose is large and crooked. And to be honest there is feck all I can do about it apart from surgery. My front teeth are crooked and can never smile properly because they are so misaligned despite lots of orthodontics.

The truth is most people have stuff they would like to change. What you may envy in one person's appearance they may may not even appreciate and may in turn wish they looked like somone else! Also I think as you get older you literally get tired obsessing about that stuff. You have more important things on your mind. For me dressing "up" and making the best of what you have is your way of making your mark, developing your own style, your own aesthetic, something that is uniquely you, "flaws" and all. And btw thick hair is a right pain to manage, it's high maintenance and only really looks good when you come out of the salon

milli milli

Daisy78 wrote: »

Also I think as you get older you literally get tired obsessing about that stuff.

+1
Also with me, I got tired of being at war with myself. I stopped comparing myself to other women. I realised what I had and was thankful. It really makes life easier
No-one is perfect, everyone has some hang ups.
The great thing about being women is we can enhance what he have with makeup and other aids.
I'm not saying slap on a mask, but just using little things like lipstick or a well-fitted dress can make a huge difference.

Your personality & what's on the inside is more important obviously but we live in a looks-obsessed world so if these little things help, why not use them?
OP have you tried everything to sort out your hair? Have you researched all types of treatments?
What would happen if you curl your hair - does it appear fuller?

Most 'effortless' girls spend time on their appearance. Even the 'no makeup look' takes time and lots of products.
You need to make a list of what you love about yourself and really appreciate what you have.

HeavyHeaded

HeavyHeaded wrote: »

I'm 31. Female. I look around and all I see are these gorgeous women. I shouldn't care at my age but I do. I go no where without hair extensions and make up. I get so angry that so many people my age are so naturally gorgeous and have all these things naturally, long luscious hair, sallow skin, attractive figures.

I'm a stone or two over weight I've lost a stone in the last few months. I feel angry that such shallow things are upsetting me. I just want to be beautiful like everyone else. I can see the big picture and I can see that there is much more important things to worry about.
I have days where I'm fine and days where I just hate myself.

I have a doctors appt tomorrow, for a none related reason but are these harsh thoughts about myself something I should be telling my doctor.

Are these somewhat normal feelings for someone my age?

Ive bolded the above, its quite clear what you need to do in order to make yourself feel happy.

SarahMollie

Hi OP,

Firstly, from what you've said, the amount this is worrying you, you should probably consider seeing someone professionally to talk through your issues and understand whats behind them.

I'm the same age as you, and my take on life now is that we're not getting any younger (and unfortunatly probably not likely to get any better looking) so we have to make the most of what we've got and live in the now. You don't want to look back at 41 thinking "oh if only I realised how good I had it at 31". I think at age 30ish, you should be becoming more accepting of yourself and more comfortable with yourself - please do something about this rather than wasting your life feeling awkward, anxious and unhappy.

SarahMollie

Jazmin Short Rent wrote: »

Ive bolded the above, its quite clear what you need to do in order to make yourself feel happy.

I really don't think its that simple. I think the OP has gotten herself into the mindset of never being good enough. If the weight is sorted, then she'll find another shortcoming.

Airyfairy12

HeavyHeaded wrote: »

Easilocks, only been using them a few months.
I wore clip ins a good bit before getting these in. I would take a break from them except I actually am afraid of going back to not having them. As I think it will be such a shock to me and I won't want anyone to see me.

(I'm aware this all sounds ridiculous)

Using castor oil in your hair as a leave in treatment is very good for encouraging hair growth or you could go to your doctor and ask for something that helps with hair loss. Biotin tablets, Keratin tablets or any multi vitamin capsules for hair and skin will work wonders and can be bought in the chemist without a prescription.

Why dont you watch some youtube videos on products and hairstyles that make hair look fuller?

Your diet really effects your hair and skin, theyre the last places to receive nutrients as your body tends to priorities more important organs like your liver, heart, kidneys ect so if you're not eating proper food your skin and hair will suffer, increasing your intake of water, fruit, veg, iron and protein will have a positive effect on your hair and skin. I find eating raw almonds amazing for hair growth, I had to cut my long hair to shoulder length 2 years ago and noticed it growing much faster when I started eating lots of almonds.

You should also really get some counselling for your self esteem, it cant hurt. Maybe buy a few books on cbt and dealing with insecurities too.

Parchment

I get you - i felt like that for a long time and still feel like that sometimes.

I had to realise - i can only ever be me, its tiring trying to be someone else.

Would you consider speaking to a therapist? it helped me a lot when i went through some very dark times and thoughts like this were the fuel to the fire.

Bambi985

SarahMollie wrote: »

I'm the same age as you, and my take on life now is that we're not getting any younger (and unfortunatly probably not likely to get any better looking) so we have to make the most of what we've got and live in the now. You don't want to look back at 41 thinking "oh if only I realised how good I had it at 31". I think at age 30ish, you should be becoming more accepting of yourself and more comfortable with yourself - please do something about this rather than wasting your life feeling awkward, anxious and unhappy.

Yeah me too.

Honestly OP you will never look like these "gorgeous women" walking around with the thick luscious hair and the perfect figures, and even if you did you'd still find something else to fixate on, or get anxiety about the maintenance of your hair or your figure and start freaking out about getting wrinkles around your eyes or grey hairs or not getting to the gym today etc etc etc

See what I mean? As long as you use your appearance as a barometer of your self-worth, you will be on a hamster wheel of hating yourself and finding faults and feeling "less than" somebody/anybody else. It's a total and complete waste of time.

Why not just try to look like the best version of you instead? I'm five foot one so will never be lithe and ballerina-like, instead I just try to live a healthy life so that I can be in the best shape for my own particular body. And sometimes that slips too and I end up eating cheetos for the week because life is hard and I'm not perfect. But that's fine too. I just laugh and let it be. Because I don't have a modelling contract that forbids me from being human. And there's more to me than a body and a head of hair.

Seriously, it's so sad to me that you've probably come through the headache and insecurities of your 20s to find yourself feeling no better about yourself at 31.

I'm the same age and if I allowed myself, I could sign up to your newsletter in a heartbeat. I could tell myself I'm grotesque looking and every woman is more beautiful, but you know what? It's exhausting. It's a full-time job. It leaves no room for being positive or productive. And I already have a job, and a life, and plans to get through all day every day so I don't allow myself to ruminate.

Stop competing and start living.

Parchment

Also - OP if you want to look effortless....then dont put effort into things like false nails, hair extensions. I find those generally dont look good.

Work with what you have naturally, your own skin tone, hair colour etc - thats how you look effortless. Look after your skin and keep your nails tidy and natural.

I fought my natural colouring for years and it did nothing for me - now i have my own hair colour and it looks great and natural. Get a good cut and give your hair weekly treatments (doesnt have to be anything fancy - even just some conditioner left on your hair for a while).

Take a leaf out of the French womens style ethos - wear comfortable clothes that you feel good in, take care of your skin and have confidence in yourself. Youre the only you on the planet!

As said above - start living. We are only here for a short while.

HeavyHeaded

OP here. Thanks all for the comments. Its really made me feel much better.

I hope it doesn't come across like I have some kinda barbie extensions and an orange Geordie shore type face. Lol I'm definitely not like that. I'm more of a minimalist. I don't actually wear fake tan, fake nails, fake lashes or any of that, I've only been to a beauticians once in my life so I'm certainly not the type to obsess with how I look.

Some days I feel good and some days bad I guess like anything. I will look into seeing a therapist which I have in the past but just for one session as she didn't think I needed any more.

I think I'm the type of person who will get bothered by crows feet, gray hairs, wrinkles etc. I don't want to be that person though, its not what matters in life in the big picture but I do get hung up on things.

Having friends who are obsessed with looks too probably doesn't help the case either.

HeavyHeaded

To answer another question too yes curls did help before the extensions I'd always back comb for body and curl for fullness. After getting some extensions in its actually less maintenance as I just wash and go now and can tie my hair up as I have a much more fuller pony tail. Still I get hung up on my own hair and its poor quality and I end up getting upset instead of just accepting that it is what it is

Is it a possibility, OP, that you're suffering from anxiety and your hair (it does seem to be particularly your hair) is a hook to hang that anxiety on? A focus for your general feelings of anxiety and insecurity? Please do mention it to your doctor, tell them about the time you spend thinking about your hair and the efforts you spend on it, as it does seem to occupy an unhealthy portion of your thoughts and your time. I think it could be more than just thin hair - but it's your hair that you zoom in on to explain your feelings generally. I know your hair is an issue with you, but it might be more than just your hair or looks at play here.

There is much more to all of us than our looks, and none of us is going to keep them. Even the most beautiful person in the world will age, it's a fact of life. Try to think of all the other things you have to offer that are unique to you. Are you funny? Educated? Caring? Clever? Fantastic at remembering what makes other people feel good? You're more than the sum of your looks, and while it's nice to be attractive it shouldn't be the only thing we define ourselves by. All the other good things about you are yours to keep forever, long after people stop eyeing you up in the street, they'll still want to listen to what you have to say if you focus on all the qualities you have inside.

Easier said than done, but ultimately you owe it to yourself to recognize all you have to offer beyond your appearance, for your own sake and self esteem.

LegacyUser

It is an unfortunate fact of life (in my observation) that since the use of social media became widespread and it's existence began to permeate our lives to the degree it has, that we all now live under the same level of scrutiny over our physical appearance that, in the pre-social-media era, only celebrities faced. The lowest standard for physical attractiveness that most people are willing to tolerate themselves possessing nowadays is to be actively good-looking.
I don't know about others, but when I was growing up in the 1990s/ early 2000s, most men looked to be much less into their physical appearance than now seems to be the case. While women have always taken more care in the appearance than men, it seems to me to be the case that the standards for physical attractiveness are indeed much higher now than say 15 years ago - whether this is the result of better nutrition, more self-focus, better make-up techniques, cosmetic surgery or whatever, it seems to be the case from where I am looking. Being "good-looking" was previously a term used to mark someone out of exceptional attractiveness whereas nowadays if someone isn't good-looking they feel really bad about themselves.
As a man, I feel a little bit sorry for todays women - while men have been made to be more self-conscious about their appearance than before, at least men are not judged primarily by society on their appearance - for women, the opposite is unfortunately typically the case.

It just is what it is - as material conditions improved, people had more resources to improve their appearance. With facebook, snapchat filters, instagram etc. life has went from being all about leaving school, moving away from everyone you used to know, working a job, meeting someone, being ignorantly (in the non-value-judgment sense) content with your lot to being about constant, unconsconscious social comparison with people you should have long since forgotten about, having to see other people who are way better looking than you getting lots of validation and compliments, the social status hierarchy of everyone you know being laid out and your place on it being visbile for all to see etc.. social media is an example of technology that went too far, we bit off more than we could chew and the average contentment of the population has diminishd as a result.
Just some thoughts I wanted to throw out. You have my sympathy.

Airyfairy12

nowadays_life_is_worse wrote: »

It is an unfortunate fact of life (in my observation) that since the use of social media became widespread and it's existence began to permeate our lives to the degree it has, that we all now live under the same level of scrutiny over our physical appearance that, in the pre-social-media era, only celebrities faced. The lowest standard for physical attractiveness that most people are willing to tolerate themselves possessing nowadays is to be actively good-looking.
I don't know about others, but when I was growing up in the 1990s/ early 2000s, most men looked to be much less into their physical appearance than now seems to be the case. While women have always taken more care in the appearance than men, it seems to me to be the case that the standards for physical attractiveness are indeed much higher now than say 15 years ago - whether this is the result of better nutrition, more self-focus, better make-up techniques, cosmetic surgery or whatever, it seems to be the case from where I am looking. Being "good-looking" was previously a term used to mark someone out of exceptional attractiveness whereas nowadays if someone isn't good-looking they feel really bad about themselves.
As a man, I feel a little bit sorry for todays women - while men have been made to be more self-conscious about their appearance than before, at least men are not judged primarily by society on their appearance - for women, the opposite is unfortunately typically the case.

It just is what it is - as material conditions improved, people had more resources to improve their appearance. With facebook, snapchat filters, instagram etc. life has went from being all about leaving school, moving away from everyone you used to know, working a job, meeting someone, being ignorantly (in the non-value-judgment sense) content with your lot to being about constant, unconsconscious social comparison with people you should have long since forgotten about, having to see other people who are way better looking than you getting lots of validation and compliments, the social status hierarchy of everyone you know being laid out and your place on it being visbile for all to see etc.. social media is an example of technology that went too far, we bit off more than we could chew and the average contentment of the population has diminishd as a result.
Just some thoughts I wanted to throw out. You have my sympathy.

I dont agree that women are primarily judged for their appearance, its a huge factor for sure, women are expected to look perfect these days but theyve also got the added pressures of being expected to have a good financially secure career a large circle of friends (popularity), educated to a high level with the expectation that women should be in relationships at the very least, ideally married otherwise theyre viewed as sad/lonely/desperate. Theyre also expected to be the primary homemakers while expected to stay looking 25 for ever, god forbid a woman should age and have wrinkles or grey hair.

There are huge pressures on women.

To the OP ive decent hair and skin and im fairly skinny but ive got plenty of insecurities too and im constantly comparing myself to girls who are more curvaceous and women who have more money, better careers, more friends and girls that are prettier than me. If I had my way id be younger, smarter with bigger boobs but im not and never will be. All you can do is accept yourself how you are. As I said previously eating good food and taking good care of yourself really helps but it wont make a bit of difference to how you feel unless you accept yourself as you are because you'll always find something about yourself that youre not happy with.

whitey1

Good for you realizing that there is an issue you want to address.....not alone have you taken the first step....youve taken the first 3/4 steps toward finding happiness. It took some courage to post on here

guppy

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

There are huge pressures on women.

To the OP ive decent hair and skin and im fairly skinny but ive got plenty of insecurities too and im constantly comparing myself to girls who are more curvaceous and women who have more money, better careers, more friends and girls that are prettier than me. If I had my way id be younger, smarter with bigger boobs but im not and never will be. All you can do is accept yourself how you are. As I said previously eating good food and taking good care of yourself really helps but it wont make a bit of difference to how you feel unless you accept yourself as you are because you'll always find something about yourself that youre not happy with.

You say women aren't judged by looks, but then carry on to list all the ways we are judged, and looks is definitely there!

Women are our worst enemies. I'm a little overweight, I have no sense of style, I'm not popular. I don't care! Who says I need to "fit in", and with whom? I love that my cars rear view mirror holds a TARRDIS, a cyberman, and a dalek, and I love that my partner loves that too.

I love all things sparkly (seriously, swarovski loves me!), yet I have my moments when I belch like a sailor! I dress to look good, but I'm not spending millions on it.

OP, it's hard to be a woman, it really is, but honestly, stop comparing yourself, find yourself and you will find your happiness. I know that's easier said than done, but that's the crux of your problem.