controlling partner?

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DaeryssaOne

What everybody is saying to you here is great advice Remembering. If he's not sorry and doesn't see the harm (despite you telling him it upset you) he's not going to suddenly have a change of heart and stop this behaviour. He may cover it up for a while if he's scared of losing you but if his reaction now is to tell you it will happen again, believe me - and him - it will happen again.

Apologies for the long post but I just to share my experience of a controlling partner - I wasn't in as deep as you in a previous relationship, we were young so an engagement would not have been on the cards but it wasn't until he ruined my sister's wedding for me by throwing a tantrum when I 'spent too long on the dancefloor with the best man during the first dance' that I realised just how controlling he was.

He tried (and almost succeeded) to turn me away from all of my friends. Despite us meeting as a gang of friends he suddenly hated all of them and only wanted me on my own, he insulted my family and consistently told me I was dressed like a sl*t (in normal clothing my own mother would have bought me) amongst many other insults to make me feel cheap and worthless.

After the wedding fiasco where he threw a glass at the wall in his utter rage that he wasn't the centre of my attention that day, I quickly got out. It was months later when I learned he had been cheating on me the entire time anyway!

I'm just saying this because when I was in the relationship I thought he was the best in the world and we were just a couple who argued a lot but looking back now I was actually afraid of him - afraid of insulting him, his moods, his sudden flare ups etc. and I truly believe that if we had stayed together 6-12 months longer he would have turned to physical violence.

Thankfully, many years later I am engaged to the love of my life and I now look on that relationship as a lesson in remembering my own worth and the fact that jealousy / possessiveness / controlling is not a sign of love but a huge red warning arrow to avoid that type of behaviour and get out as quick as you can!

remembering

anone user wrote: »

Hi OP,

Just take time and breathe first..... its an awakening of sorts to really see the relationship for how it is and how it might be in the future. Not a pleasant one from the sounds of it but you need to take some time out, to figure it out. Think back throughout the course of your relationship and it may give you insight as to how and why you are feeling like this now.

He may have been on the charm offensive from the start but the clues may have always been there. For example have you always deferred to his decisions, his wants and his needs in order to please him? You may have seen him through rose tinted glasses because he was presenting the best possible side to you. If arguments or tensions arose did you always give way to him before it escalated? If something went wrong, was it you who always took any blame? OP its a confusing time for you so I understand the shock and disbelief you might be feeling.

Talk to someone like womens aid or an impartial friend who can just listen to you talk. Its you who has to ultimately decide if you want to stay or go.

I was in a relationship a few years ago and couldn't not see a fault in him until the arguments got worse, the shouting escalated, throwing insults at me about my appearance, telling me how I should dress, walking on eggshells to prevent arguments. I wish I had someone tell me his behaviour wasnt right but I kept hiding the real horrible stuff from friends and family.

Don't let the engagement colour your decision, its unimportant right now. You might even need to tell him to give you space but be careful, this type of person wont let you go easy. Gather your friends and family around you and ensure you have a support structure in place.
Wising you the best OP.

Thank you very much. Maybe I'll make him hate me and he will walk!!

remembering

Dark Phoenix wrote: »

I think OP you have been given some very good advice here and you are also being very brave and honest. It is very telling that this behaviour happened shortly after an engagement, it seems as though he thought he had sealed the deal or something and could lay down the law. 
People like this are very clever at normalising their behaviour and making you doubt yourself so you start to wonder did you over react or misunderstand. They will not apologise for or acknowldege their behaviour - this leaves you with the horrible choice of a) bring it up and risk another argument or b) say nothing. Over time you start to choose option B more and more just to keep the peace. You end up agreeing with them to keep the peace. You start gauging his mood and acting on eggshells around him and changing your behaviour so as not to cause an argument. You become under their control. His statement that he will do it again shows he has no remorse and will do it again if he wants - it also shows he didnt do it in the heat of the moment, it was deliberate
This acting like nothing happened is showing also in his persistence of talking about a mortgage, its yet more effort to control you. As someone else said, be careful about money because the next step is to financially tie you to him. 
I was engaged to an ex I had gone out with for years. Your story reminded me of it. He drank too much, blamed everyone and everything but himself for his problems, and was miserable and negative. The negativity wore me down. he hated his family and mine and made horrible comments about my family. I started avoiding family and friends as he didnt want to be around them and also because I didnt want to admit what things were like. he tried to bully me into buying a house with him despite him being financially unstable and into taking out a mortgage in my name to buy his parents house. Thankfully I refused on both accounts. I started getting in touch with friends again and doing new things and got more involved in my hobby. I started to gain confidence and independence. he hated it and would try to make me feel guilty when I was out enjoying myself because he would sit at home and had no friends (yet he refused to come to anything with me). We eventually broke up - I was devasted at the time but now know its the best thing that ever happened to me - he was like a lead weight around my neck. I used to hate even ringing him if I had a great day as his down in the dumps negative tne when I rang him would suck the joy out of anything. |I found out afterwards that he cheated on me too so while these sort of people will try and control you - they will do whatever they like as well. 

I wouldnt bother with a letter - either leave or try and discuss it and see will he go to counselling. If you dont feel you can have a discussion with him without more of this behaviour then that says it all really

Excellent advice here and thank you to each and every one of you for that. He was even bringing up the way I behaved at Xmas with a couple of my friends - he said I was behaving differently with them and was I stupid in that I didn't know what that meant! I was having a laugh with them celebrating my so called engagement! The more I think about things the more I am seeing and remembering

Ursus Horribilis

remembering wrote: »

Thank you very much. Maybe I'll make him hate me and he will walk!!

You know and I know that's not going to happen. You're very obviously stalling now.

Conor Bourke

remembering wrote: »

Thank you very much. Maybe I'll make him hate me and he will walk!!

That won't happen. You might make him dislike you and he'll keep punishing you for not being good enough or whatever but you're only handing him another metaphorical stick to beat you with. He will tell you that nobody else would put up with you except him and will threaten to leave, then tell you that you should consider yourself lucky he hasn't left you and that you'd better be on your best behaviour or he will leave (he won't, and neither will you because your confidence will be in your boots)

You mentioned how hard it will be to go back to work, friends, family etc during what's supposed to be a happy time. I know that the temptation is to minimise his behaviour towards you and not admit what happened because you feel foolish for finding yourself in this predicament. He will know that you feel this way and will probably use that as leverage to win you back. If you leave, the smartest thing you can do is be honest to yourself and others when explaining what happened. You don't need to go into great detail with colleagues and acquaintances but you can say "he didn't treat me well and I was no longer happy to be with him". It will make it a lot harder for him to work his way back into your affections when you have the support of your friends and family who know the truth.

GingerLily

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

remembering wrote: »

Thank you very much. Maybe I'll make him hate me and he will walk!!

You know and I know that's not going to happen. You're very obviously stalling now.

Please please don't do this, I have to agree, you do seem to be stalling.

Please tell your family what he did, that way you can't wipe it under the carpet and shrug it off.

remembering

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

You know and I know that's not going to happen. You're very obviously stalling now.

No I'm definitely not going to do that

LynnGrace

Not a whole lot to add to the very good advice already given, but please take care of yourself. The longer it goes on, the more difficult this will be, and unfortunately, the more volatile he may become, especially once he knows that you are leaving.

remembering

GingerLily wrote: »

Please please don't do this, I have to agree, you do seem to be stalling.

Please tell your family what he did, that way you can't wipe it under the carpet and shrug it off.

You know your right again . Right now i am so stalling telling my sisters. I promise I am goIng to do this

eviltwin

If you've made a decision that the relationship has to end then you have nothing to gain by putting it on the long finger. Tell your family what you've decided and then make your exit with their support. Forget about writing him a letter or helping him with his issues, that's a distraction. It's time to start putting yourself first and don't feel guilty about it.

Yellow pack crisps

remembering wrote: »

Yellow pack crisps wrote: »

In turn if he truly loves and values you he will do whatever it takes to mend your relationship. The answer truly lies in his response.

Therapy is the first port of call and couples therapy to begin with him seeking solo therapy also. You need to have that conversation with him and If he closes that down then you have your answer. Put off all forms of marriage and mortgage talk for now. The way he spoke to you and acted is completely unacceptable and it needs to be addressed one way or the other.

That is very true. Would you suggest I wrote a long letter explaining how I feel as I always forget things to say. Leave him the letter and let him mull it over ?

A letter is not necessary, neither is a long discussion! He was abusive to you and made you feel threatened and acted in a way that made you question your relationship. If he does not take serious stock of his behaviour and commit to professional help well then that's your answer. I would suggest doing all this in a public place with lots of people around regardless of how uncomfortable that is for you.

If on the otherhand you have made up your mind to call time on the relationship then just do it now! Somethings in life you don't need to prolong or get reasons for.

twill

Yellow pack crisps wrote: »

A letter is not necessary, neither is a long discussion! He was abusive to you and made you feel threatened and acted in a way that made you question your relationship. If he does not take serious stock of his behaviour and commit to professional help well then that's your answer. I would suggest doing all this in a public place with lots of people around regardless of how uncomfortable that is for you.

If on the otherhand you have made up your mind to call time on the relationship then just do it now! Somethings in life you don't need to prolong or get reasons for.

A meeting is not necessary or wise. The OP has no control over his behaviour. It is not her responsibility to "change" him. Insinuating that she is less committed to the relationship for refusing to do so is frankly irresponsible. I'm referring specifically to this post, which is full of mixed messages (bolding mine):

Yellow pack crisps wrote: »

Before I write what I write I will preface it by saying I'm not privy to your relationship, you or your partner and this is my view and my view only. If you love someone your first thought is how to help them. Rightfully you have listened to those who love you and those who know you. Your partner does not sound like a very nice guy to be honest and when we are in love we tend to go against every instinct we have to repair what's wrong. From an outside perspective it seems you are looking for his faults as opposed to knowing them if that makes sense? I'm not victim blaming here btw I think if it was my sister i would 100% encourage her to leave. As for the trust part I mean overall and not infidelity wise. You don't trust him because for one you don't feel comfortable bringing up a problem that needs to be discussed.

This is not a relationship problem because that would imply that both parties have a role to play. They don't. This is a matter of the OP's safety and well being.

I don't mean this as an attack, but the OP is being confused by the message that there is something to be salvaged and that she has the power to do so.

bigpink

One incident?other than that a good guy?he could be stressed or bottling something up

Ursus Horribilis

bigpink wrote: »

One incident?other than that a good guy?he could be stressed or bottling something up

Have you actually read the thread? Fully?

bigpink

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Have you actually read the thread? Fully?

People lose there temper it happens

coffee_cake

And other people should run far away when it does

MissShihTzu

bigpink wrote: »

One incident?other than that a good guy?he could be stressed or bottling something up

Why do you persist in downplaying what has happened to the OP? I don't understand...

This is a very real situation. I commend the OP for realising what's happening and reaching out for advice. That takes a lot of guts.

OP - I don't have too much further to add to the great advice on here. I think you should listen to your gut. If it's telling you something's not quite right, then you should go with it. Personally, I think you should leave, and leave soon. Don't wait.

Pack a small bag with your personal papers in it - Passport, driving licence, birth cert, insurances, bank books, etc. Take it either to your parents or a trusted friend. If things turn nasty, at least you have your personal papers to hand.

I would then book a day's leave from work. Wait until he leaves, then you pack the reat of your gear, and take off. Leave the ring on the table. He'll get the message.

Change your number, delete him from social media, and get on with your life.

Do it OP. He'll never change. Trust me on that.

Fakediamond

I second MissShihTzu. Make your exit plan, leave a note, the ring, or whatever. Don't respond to contact and DO NOT meet him alone after you leave. As others have said, he will use every trick in the book to get you back, but he'll never change, he's already told you this.

It's not going to be easy to get away from him and you need to have a plan to deal with the love bombing, and false promises, and possibly, extreme emotional blackmail to win you over.

You mentioned counselling, and while he no doubt requires serious therapy, he probably doesn't agree and will only pay lip service to it, if he even bothers to do that much. Anyway, he's not your responsibility, YOU are YOUR responsibility, and as the old maxim says, you can't change anyone else, you can only change yourself.

I really hope you will choose to change yourself, and get out before he destroys your confidence, judgement and self-esteem. If you allow that to happen, you won't have the strength and self-belief to leave and will have thoroughly internalised the message that it's all your fault and, if only you could try harder, he wouldn't be so disappointed in you. What a stressful life that will be, constantly pleasing and appeasing, only being happy when he is happy and tiptoeing around when he isn't so the volcano doesn't erupt. Doesn't sound like a great life, does it?

Yellow pack crisps

twill wrote: »

A meeting is not necessary or wise. The OP has no control over his behaviour. It is not her responsibility to "change" him. Insinuating that she is less committed to the relationship for refusing to do so is frankly irresponsible. I'm referring specifically to this post, which is full of mixed messages (bolding mine):


This is not a relationship problem because that would imply that both parties have a role to play. They don't. This is a matter of the OP's safety and well being.

I don't mean this as an attack, but the OP is being confused by the message that there is something to be salvaged and that she has the power to do so.

No Offence taken. I was apprehensive writing that. I was going at it from the point of view that she did want to salvage it or was thinking of ways to save the relationship. I will state if it was my sister or even a friend i would recommend ending the relationship. Whatever the OP decides i wish her safety and best wishes.

zjflikeIrish

I have to say that I have very similar and even much worse experience. He(my ex) beated me some times and clutched my throat once and sit on his knees many times to beg me to be more motivated to be brilliant and hardworking(He was so mentally ill). And in the end, he dumped me after he met a new girl, saying he did't want to waste my time for he can't imagnie what life will be like if he marries me(He was lying, which I know after).We don't have a woman's aid in mainland China and I can't ask my parents for support because I badly know they will say nothing helpful and will not understand my feelings and emotional needs at all.

After I was dumped for a half year, I luckily met a psychological councellor who is really professional and helped me to be a normal person gradually.

I've kept doing the psychological counseling for more than two years and feel much better.

Still I have many other misinterpretation about myself and the real world because I am so badly ill(mentally) since my childhood.

I just want to say that when you advise OP to leave the man, you must know why she was attraced to a man like that. Actually things go wrong not only with the man, but also probably with OP.

rondog

OP
The usual Boards response is 'dump the person'.They haven't invested time and emotions in the relationship so its easy for those keyboard warriors to jump in with their stories and tell you to run for the hills.
EVERY human gets angry and experiences other emotions,the way people go on on Boards youd swear everyone has no negative emotions and walks around happy all the time ,never experiencing jealousy, anger or insecurity.
What you describe ie getting angry ,throwing something and issues with employees at work sound like the vast majority of people I know and I know a lot of people.
I also know a lot of people that slag their partners family members and in some cases its well warranted.
We don't love in an ideal world,people slag,people get angry and if you are willing to drop the relationship after a year on the advise of people you don't even know here on boads then fine but id suggest try and work on it because from your description the relationship hasn't been all bad.
People I know who have had challenges in their relationships have worked on it and some have turned out great.

rondog

OP
The usual Boards response is 'dump the person'.They haven't invested time and emotions in the relationship so its easy for those keyboard warriors to jump in with their stories and tell you to run for the hills.
EVERY human gets angry and experiences other emotions,the way people go on on Boards youd swear everyone has no negative emotions and walks around happy all the time ,never experiencing jealousy, anger or insecurity.
What you describe ie getting angry ,throwing something and issues with employees at work sound like the vast majority of people I know and I know a lot of people.
I also know a lot of people that slag their partners family members and in some cases its well warranted.
We don't love in an ideal world,people slag,people get angry and if you are willing to drop the relationship after a year on the advise of people you don't even know here on boads then fine but id suggest try and work on it because from your description the relationship hasn't been all bad.
People I know who have had challenges in their relationships have worked on it and some have turned out great.

GingerLily

I don't agree, I think most of the posters here have given genuine good advice.

I've lost my temper before and so has my partner. When the storm settles then you apologise and discuss why it got to that point and what you both should have done to avoid it.
The OPs partner was threating and violent and aggressive and not only didn't apologise, told her that it will happen again of she angers him again, so not only is he not responsible - he's telling her that it was her fault.
On top of this her sisters all think he is controlling, which I imagine is a hard thing to say to your sister after they announce their engagement.

Penny Tration

Totally disagree with rondog.


Experiencing anger and jealousy is normal, for sure.

Throwing things and shouting at colleagues is NOT a normal reaction or expressing of anger, no matter how many people you may see doing it.

The majority of healthy, stable people have never ever thrown things around when angry, or shouted at colleagues because they're the actions of someone who refuses to control themselves like an adult.


As for slagging family - I've never had an ex do that do me, bar one abusive ex, and I've never done it to my boyfriends. Sure, I'll discuss my boyfriend's family with him and I may be quite negative in my opinions, but I'd never slag them off.


Being an adult means taking responsibility for your actions, and controlling yourself like a mature adult.

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rondog

I know many people who throw things and vent anger in similar ways.I work for a multinational corporate and ive seen people kick things,throw things at every level when they get angry.
Ive done it myself and I can assure you I would never and have never hurt a partner in my life.
I also know many friends and work mates who will slag their in laws and who are all in stable happy relationships.
Not all people behave ideally and in supposedly 'proper' behaviour and not all these people have bad relatonships.

Penny Tration

rondog wrote: »

I know many people who throw things and vent anger in similar ways.I work for a multinational corporate and ive seen people kick things,throw things at every level when they get angry.
Ive done it myself and I can assure you I would never and have never hurt a partner in my life.
I also know many friends and work mates who will slag their in laws and who are all in stable happy relationships.
Not all people behave ideally and in supposedly 'proper' behaviour and not all these people have bad relatonships.

Tbh I'd question what the hell kind of place you work in where it's normal to kick and throw things if you're angry because that's not the behaviour of mentally stable people, or professionals.


No relationship is the same and all relationships and people have flaws but scaring your partner, throwing things, screaming at them etc aren't healthy behaviours or the actions of a mature adult.

rondog

Again, I know of a good few relationships where partners scream at eachother  and get angry/throw things,these people also happen to be in very happy and strong relationships.
I work in a highly pressurised/stressful environment and its quite common for people to vent their anger by throwing things,kicking a wall etc.

Estrellita

rondog wrote: »

What you describe ie getting angry ,throwing something and issues with employees at work sound like the vast majority of people I know and I know a lot of people.
I also know a lot of people that slag their partners family members and in some cases its well warranted.

Normalising abusive behaviour, how strange. Well as a 'keyboard warrior' I wouldn't stand for your idea of a normal relationship. You slag off my family then you better find the front door.

My family will be my family forever. Let's face it, they were able to see the P.rick my ex was long before I finally twigged what he'd been doing. I wouldn't encourage the OP to reconcile with her ex and let him slate her family. Bad advice imo.