controlling partner?

remembering

Hi all

With my partner 2 years and my sisters think he's controlling. I didn't realise what this fully meant until I started googling and realised that he has many of the traits. I'm extremely confused as to what to do now. Do I run for the hills or try and talk to him or will it all get worse. We had a row new year and his temper did scare me a bit. The worst bit is we only got engaged at Xmas. Thanks

Rekop dog

It's difficult to comment with so little information but the fact you refer to your engagement as 'the worst bit' as opposed to something which you were overjoyed about is worrying.

Why did you say yes?

GingerLily

Can you give more information about recent examples?

I think there would be no harm ringing womens aid and talking it through with them.

Ursus Horribilis

In general, family members don't stick their oar in and make comments about someone's relationship unless they're genuinely worried. You're only with this guy two years so there is still a lot to learn about him. This temper of his - is this a new thing?

remembering

Rekop dog wrote: »

It's difficult to comment with so little information but the fact you refer to your engagement as 'the worst bit' as opposed to something which you were overjoyed about is worrying.

Why did you say yes?

What I meant by the engaged bit is I feel so miserable and I should be so happy. I'm very confused about it now as we never had such a big row like this before. He got angry because I misinterpreted something he said the night before which he said he didn't say and when I brought that up he got angry and he threw the engagement box at the wall and broke it and then he said he hated me in a very angry tone. He said he felt like putting the tv through the wall also. He then proceeded to slate nearly every member of my family and said I was stupid. The previous day he got angry over a small thing that happened. These are all new things that are happening but obviously family members have seen stuff before and said that he does like to get his own way.

Ursus Horribilis

remembering wrote: »

What I meant by the engaged bit is I feel so miserable and I should be so happy. I'm very confused about it now as we never had such a big row like this before. He got angry because I misinterpreted something he said the night before which he said he didn't say and when I brought that up he got angry and he threw the engagement box at the wall and broke it and then he said he hated me in a very angry tone. He said he felt like putting the tv through the wall also. He then proceeded to slate nearly every member of my family and said I was stupid. The previous day he got angry over a small thing that happened. These are all new things that are happening but obviously family members have seen stuff before and said that he does like to get his own way.

In light of all of the above, I think you should end this immediately. This is all very very nasty and not the stuff of normal rows. I wonder did he feel he could do this now the he had you engaged to him?

remembering

Rekop dog wrote: »

It's difficult to comment with so little information but the fact you refer to your engagement as 'the worst bit' as opposed to something which you were overjoyed about is worrying.

Why did you say yes?

What I meant by the engaged bit is I feel so miserable and I should be so happy. I'm very confused about it now as we never had such a big row like this before. He got angry because I misinterpreted something he said the night before which he said he didn't say and when I brought that up he got angry and he threw the engagement box at the wall and broke it and then he said he hated me in a very angry tone. He said he felt like putting the tv through the wall also. He then proceeded to slate nearly every member of my family and said I was stupid. The previous day he got angry over a small thing that happened. These are all new things that are happening but obviously family members have seen stuff before and said that he does like to get his own way.

GingerLily

Definitely talk to women's aid.

The good news is that he's failed to alienate you from your family so you still have their love and support.

Nevermind the engagement for now, do you live with him? If so can you stay somewhere else?

remembering

GingerLily wrote: »

Definitely talk to women's aid.

The good news is that he's failed to alienate you from your family so you still have their love and support.

Nevermind the engagement for now, do you live with him? If so can you stay somewhere else?

Yes only living with him a year. Nothing like this has happened before but I'm afraid reading about controlling people that they can get worse.

Ursus Horribilis

This sounds like your gut is screaming at you over this engagement. Rightly so from what you've told us. I agree with the poster who suggested you give Women's Aid a call. Their number is 1800341900

remembering

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

This sounds like your gut is screaming at you over this engagement. Rightly so from what you've told us. I agree with the poster who suggested you give Women's Aid a call. Their number is 1800341900

I will ring them thanks. It's so strange because i thought everything was great at Xmas

njs030

I noticed you said you misunderstood what he said. Do you think that in previous rows you've said you misunderstood or something like that quite often to pacify him so the problem would go away quite fast?
You shouldn't have to do that, it's OK to misunderstand and he should calmly explain what he means not throw a tantrum and scare you.

Do ring women's aid and talk to them, it doesn't mean you've decided anything or have to take any action it's just a chat.

Estrellita

Remembering - you are here for a reason. If something doesn't feel or sound right, then it probably isn't. His comments and actions don't instill me with confidence that he will make a great husband or father.

If he's a controlling person then you leaving him isn't an option for him. When controlling people feel like they are losing you, they will promise you the world and tell you they love you. Temper tantrums and abuse are blamed on something else. Drink, drugs, problems at work etc. These are cover stories for the real person behind them. From time to time life can throw us some curve balls causing you to be a bit snappy and act a little out of character, being short with others. What you describe is not a bit of pressure, it's abuse.

Being under pressure does not excuse statements such as 'I hate you' and 'you are stupid', then slagging off your family. This is someone who is trying to break you down and smash your support network. So think carefully what you do next. If you were to ask me, knowing what I know about these types I'd tell you to run like hell. You will regret marrying him. I thought marrying my ex would change him for the better (don't ask me why). He just turned into a bigger more dangerous b.astard than he was before.

I do have children with him, which makes the situation more difficult. You have no ties with this guy yet, so trust me when I say don't dig a bigger hole for yourself. These men don't change, they get worse. I'd finish it with him before the character assassination is complete, and your self esteem is gone down the s.hitter.

I didn't listen to my family, don't make my mistakes.

remembering

notjustsweet wrote: »

I noticed you said you misunderstood what he said. Do you think that in previous rows you've said you misunderstood or something like that quite often to pacify him so the problem would go away quite fast?
You shouldn't have to do that, it's OK to misunderstand and he should calmly explain what he means not throw a tantrum and scare you.

Do ring women's aid and talk to them, it doesn't mean you've decided anything or have to take any action it's just a chat.

Do you know ur right because I was definitely right about something trivial at Xmas but he had to shout at me saying he was right so I just agreed. I'm a strong person to a certain degree but I fear if I stay it could get worse and I'm nearly 44 soon and don't want to waste any more years. Only at Xmas we talked about getting a house so I don't know what to say about this now when he brings it up. I'm not sure how to approach this side of things with him. Do I write a letter to him
Explaining how I feel? I don't know

remembering

Estrellita wrote: »

Remembering - you are here for a reason. If something doesn't feel or sound right, then it probably isn't. His comments and actions don't instill me with confidence that he will make a great husband or father.

If he's a controlling person then you leaving him isn't an option for him. When controlling people feel like they are losing you, they will promise you the world and tell you they love you. Temper tantrums and abuse are blamed on something else. Drink, drugs, problems at work etc. These are cover stories for the real person behind them. From time to time life can throw us some curve balls causing you to be a bit snappy and act a little out of character, being short with others. What you describe is not a bit of pressure, it's abuse.

This does not include statements such as 'I hate you' and 'you are stupid', then slagging off your family. This is someone who is trying to break you down and smash your support network. So think carefully what you do next. If you were to ask me, knowing what I know about these types I'd tell you to run like hell. You will regret marrying him. I thought marrying my ex would change him for the better (don't ask me why). He just turned into a bigger more dangerous b.astard than he was before.

I do have children with him, which makes the situation more difficult. You have no ties with this guy yet, so trust me when I say don't dig a bigger hole for yourself. These men don't change, they get worse. I'd finish it with him before the character assassination is complete, and your self esteem is gone down the s.hitter.

I didn't listen to my family, don't make my mistakes.

You are so right and thanks for the long post. it just doesn't feel right and I can't get his angry face out of my mind, the way he went right up to my face and said I hate you. He never did that before. They say being with a controlling person creeps up on you and it's so true. I don't know how to go about Calmy ending this though because I fear he could be dangerous and involve my family

remembering

Estrellita wrote: »

Remembering - you are here for a reason. If something doesn't feel or sound right, then it probably isn't. His comments and actions don't instill me with confidence that he will make a great husband or father.

If he's a controlling person then you leaving him isn't an option for him. When controlling people feel like they are losing you, they will promise you the world and tell you they love you. Temper tantrums and abuse are blamed on something else. Drink, drugs, problems at work etc. These are cover stories for the real person behind them. From time to time life can throw us some curve balls causing you to be a bit snappy and act a little out of character, being short with others. What you describe is not a bit of pressure, it's abuse.

This does not include statements such as 'I hate you' and 'you are stupid', then slagging off your family. This is someone who is trying to break you down and smash your support network. So think carefully what you do next. If you were to ask me, knowing what I know about these types I'd tell you to run like hell. You will regret marrying him. I thought marrying my ex would change him for the better (don't ask me why). He just turned into a bigger more dangerous b.astard than he was before.

I do have children with him, which makes the situation more difficult. You have no ties with this guy yet, so trust me when I say don't dig a bigger hole for yourself. These men don't change, they get worse. I'd finish it with him before the character assassination is complete, and your self esteem is gone down the s.hitter.

I didn't listen to my family, don't make my mistakes.

You are so right and thanks for the long post. it just doesn't feel right and I can't get his angry face out of my mind, the way he went right up to my face and said I hate you. He never did that before. They say being with a controlling person creeps up on you and it's so true. I don't know how to go about Calmy ending this though because I fear he could be dangerous and involve my family

Ursus Horribilis

Ring Women's Aid first and have a chat with them. It's also important that you don't breathe a word to him about any doubts you're having about this. It could lead to an escalation in his behaviour. Please don't try to do too much or plan too far ahead for the moment.

remembering

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Ring Women's Aid first and have a chat with them. It's also important that you don't breathe a word to him about any doubts you're having about this. It could lead to an escalation in his behaviour. Please don't try to do too much or plan too far ahead for the moment.

Yes I'm Goin to act as normal as I can from
Here on in but I can't let this drag on to long either

Estrellita

remembering wrote: »

You are so right and thanks for the long post. it just doesn't feel right and I can't get his angry face out of my mind, the way he went right up to my face and said I hate you. He never did that before. They say being with a controlling person creeps up on you and it's so true. I don't know how to go about Calmy ending this though because I fear he could be dangerous and involve my family

What are your living arrangements, are changing the locks possible? Is moving in with family an option?

Listen to what you've said, you are afraid to tell him it's over. Don't let that point go over your head. Ending it with someone should be perhaps a sad thing but a relief if it's not right. Not scary.

You may need your family's help being honest. He is less likely to get angry if you have back up. If he tries to have a word in private, don't. He trying to separate you from the herd. Don't let it get to the point where your family make several attempts to help you get away from him, only to keep going back to him. Eventually they will stop bothering. It happened to me, but I eventually did it myself.

Getting married is a wonderful time, but don't let the thought of it carry you away. The shine will come off it when life goes back to normal. My divorce was long, hard and painful. Commit to someone who loves you and doesn't belittle you like him. Mr Right will come along. I met mine and I'm expecting a baby for him. We are moving into our new home soon, and the difference between him and my ex are like night and day. He's so kind and loving, and would never hurt me like ex did.

No need to thank me for my posts, I'm only too glad to pass on my experience to someone looking for help. Just please take action, and confide in family so they can be there for you.

remembering

Estrellita wrote: »

What are your living arrangements, are changing the locks possible? Is moving in with family an option?

Listen to what you've said, you are afraid to tell him it's over. Don't let that point go over your head. Ending it with someone should be perhaps a sad thing but a relief if it's not right. Not scary.

You may need your family's help being honest. He is less likely to get angry if you have back up. If he tries to have a word in private, don't. He trying to separate you from the herd. Don't let it get to the point where your family make several attempts to help you get away from him, only to keep going back to him. Eventually they will stop bothering. It happened to me, but I eventually did it myself.

Getting married is a wonderful time, but don't let the thought of it carry you away. My divorce was long, hard and painful. Commit to someone who loves you and doesn't belittle you like him. Mr Right will come along. I met mine and I'm expecting a baby for him. We are moving into our new home soon, and the difference between him and my ex are like night and day. He's so kind and loving, and would never hurt me like ex did.

No need to thank me for my posts, I'm only too glad to pass on my experience to someone looking for help. Just please take action, and confide in family so they can be there for you.

Yes you are so right again. Well he's on today about seeing a bank to get a mortgage so I said maybe next week. I know he's Goin to bring that up later so I don't know what to say then. I'll be fine if have to move. How your life can change overnight

njs030

remembering wrote: »

Yes you are so right again. Well he's on today about seeing a bank to get a mortgage so I said maybe next week. I know he's Goin to bring that up later so I don't know what to say then. I'll be fine if have to move. How your life can change overnight

Try not to think too far ahead, do remember he could sense your change andmight be a completely different person this evening very loving and all about you to confuse you. Don't say anything and try to be normal.

Id really suggest calling woman's aid who can talk you through what to do and how to deal with this properly.

You're very brave and strong.

remembering

notjustsweet wrote: »

Try not to think too far ahead, do remember he could sense your change andmight be a completely different person this evening very loving and all about you to confuse you. Don't say anything and try to be normal.

Id really suggest calling woman's aid who can talk you through what to do and how to deal with this properly.



You're very brave and strong.

The thing is after the row the other night he comes out of the room like nothing's happened. He is such a kind person so it's utterly confusing but the temper thing has done it for me. I can't get that out of my head and I can only imagine how my life could end if we did get married. I will
Keep you posted x

remembering

remembering wrote: »

The thing is after the row the other night he comes out of the room like nothing's happened. He is such a kind person so it's utterly confusing but the temper thing has done it for me. I can't get that out of my head and I can only imagine how my life could end if we did get married. I will
Keep you posted x

He's normal all the time - these arguments are all new. i can't believe I'm on here discussing this

Mr. Incognito

Get out and get out now.

People dont become abusive immediately into the relationship.

It's an erosion over time that wears down your self confidence until you feel like you deserve this.
It's mental torture.

The fact that he is slating your family speaks volumes as he is trying to alienate and isolate you from them.

Just get out asap.

Estrellita

remembering wrote: »

Yes you are so right again. Well he's on today about seeing a bank to get a mortgage so I said maybe next week. I know he's Goin to bring that up later so I don't know what to say then. I'll be fine if have to move. How your life can change overnight

Oh God, don't get into house buying with him. That is the only thing I did do right with my ex, we were renting with a view to buying. It never got that far.

Put in your your shoes I'd delay him while you come up with a plan of action. There would probably be a low housing stock due to the time of year, so that would be a good excuse.

Just so you know, I didn't tell my ex we were over till I changed the locks. Those kinds of discussions are for people that don't scare you. You are going to have to stay ahead of the game.

You could pack what you need when he's out, leave the ring behind and a note to say you are done. Of course there will be calls, texts, emails and carrier pigeons. Controlling people don't take no for an answer, and they hate the feeling of not being in control. Stay strong and united with your family.

bigpink

Could just be a bad temper over stress or worry if it was the first time.Men tendvto bottle up things

remembering

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Get out and get out now.

People dont become abusive immediately into the relationship.

It's an erosion over time that wears down your self confidence until you feel like you deserve this.
It's mental torture.

The fact that he is slating your family speaks volumes as he is trying to alienate and isolate you from them.

Just get out asap.

Oh I'm going to - I'm not going to let him ruin my life. It's going to hard but I'll do it. Thanks

Estrellita

bigpink wrote: »

Could just be a bad temper over stress or worry if it was the first time.Men tendvto bottle up things

Real men talk to their partners, not belittle them or claim to hate them. That's a scarily short fuse destined for trouble.

bigpink

Whats ways is he controlling you?

GingerLily

remembering wrote: »

remembering wrote: »

The thing is after the row the other night he comes out of the room like nothing's happened. He is such a kind person so it's utterly confusing but the temper thing has done it for me. I can't get that out of my head and I can only imagine how my life could end if we did get married. I will
Keep you posted x

He's normal all the time - these arguments are all new. i can't believe I'm on here discussing this

That's the most worrying part, everyone can lose their temper and behave badly, but he doesn't see anything wrong, he's not remoseful, there's no reason why he won't do it again.

He's just proposed and wants a mortgage already - watch your money. Keep it somewhere safe and don't let him any access to it.

remembering

bigpink wrote: »

Could just be a bad temper over stress or worry if it was the first time.Men tendvto bottle up things

That's true but slating my family all the time. I'm very close to my family. I can't handle the way he talks about them and they are very good people

eviltwin

Just to echo what the others have said, get out asap. People who are controlling don't get better, only worse. I know this is difficult to face when you've just become engaged, you're looking for a house etc but in years to come you'll look back and consider yourself lucky you were able to do this before you got stuck with a mortgage, marriage and kids. You don't deserve to live like this, you should both be happy and excited for your future but you are unsure and scared. It's not a good sign. Get strength from your family, friends and Womens Aid.

njs030

bigpink wrote: »

Could just be a bad temper over stress or worry if it was the first time.Men tendvto bottle up things

Lashing out at your partner because your stressed or worried isn't OK. Men who appreciate the woman they are going to marry don't threaten to destroy things and act like it didn't happen.

GingerLily

remembering wrote: »

bigpink wrote: »

Could just be a bad temper over stress or worry if it was the first time.Men tendvto bottle up things

That's true but slating my family all the time. I'm very close to my family. I can't handle the way he talks about them and they are very good people

That's how they usually get ultimate control, by removing your access to escape, that is your support from your family. How long has he shown issue with your family?

neonsofa

GingerLily wrote: »

He's just proposed and wants a mortgage already - watch your money. Keep it somewhere safe and don't let him any access to it.

Generally people propose when they want to begin building a life with someone and the person says yes as they want to build this life too. Getting a mortgage would be a realistic enough step after a proposal I would've thought. Many have the mortgage together long before proposals or marriage so I don't think that in itself is anything out of the ordinary. Having said that I obviously wouldn't enter into anything like that given the circumstances.

bigpink

notjustsweet wrote: »

Lashing out at your partner because your stressed or worried isn't OK. Men who appreciate the woman they are going to marry don't threaten to destroy things and act like it didn't happen.

It isnt ok but it happens in the real world seen it with my father growing up.Good guy but at times would be in bad form

bigpink

Was the abuse of the family from day one?And what does he say

kylith

remembering wrote: »

He's normal all the time - these arguments are all new. i can't believe I'm on here discussing this

It may be that now you're engaged he feels that he has a hold of you and that's why he's escalating his behaviour.

GingerLily

neonsofa wrote: »

Generally people propose when they want to begin building a life with someone and the person says yes as they want to build this life too. Getting a mortgage would be a realistic enough step after a proposal I would've thought. Many have the mortgage together long before proposals or marriage so I don't think that in itself is anything out of the ordinary. Having said that I obviously wouldn't enter into anything like that given the circumstances.

No, not in itself is not suspicious, which is why I wouldn't go on the Weddings forum and spread that advice.

I'm worried he'll push her to "join" their savings for the application etc. to gain control over her money. And in general, if you're ever in doubt protect your finances!

eviltwin

bigpink wrote: »

It isnt ok but it happens in the real world seen it with my father growing up.Good guy but at times would be in bad form

What difference does it make? Who wants to be married to someone who deals with their bad mood by being aggressive and threatening to damage things?

seamus

bigpink wrote: »

It isnt ok but it happens in the real world seen it with my father growing up.Good guy but at times would be in bad form

"He's a nice guy really, just has a bit of a temper". As much as you love your father, this is very typical masking behaviour.

It's not normal. It doesn't happen in the vast majority of households. Yes, people have arguments, yes people can lose their temper when times are very bad. But smashing things up, screaming in people's faces, using abusive and belittling language and then carrying on like all is normal, is the exact opposite of normal.

The victim shouldn't be walking on eggshells for fear of angering their partner again, it's the person who lost their temper that should be begging for forgiveness.

What's most interesting is the OP's family have pointed out that he's controlling. You don't make this judgement over one or two days, but by observing patterns of behaviour. The temper thing might be new, but clearly a lot more has been going on for a lot longer; long enough for her family to become concerned.

OP, you can continue moving along mortgage-wise if you want to avoid raising his suspicion. The whole process takes a long time, it'll be a couple of weeks before you can even submit an application. And you should be planning to be gone in days rather than weeks. So don't worry too much about going to talk to the bank or whatever. Just avoid signing anything for the time being or giving him control of bank accounts or passwords.

remembering

bigpink wrote: »

Was the abuse of the family from day one?And what does he say

Not at all. My sister said something 1 day which was her fault and he got over it. Then at Xmas my other sis brought it up so now he hates her the most. He was even calling the kids all names like how spoilt they all are - it was just horrible to listen to

remembering

remembering wrote: »

Not at all. My sister said something 1 day which was her fault and he got over it. Then at Xmas my other sis brought it up so now he hates her the most. He was even calling the kids all names like how spoilt they all are - it was just horrible to listen to

Thanks for all the excellent advice

amtc

Listen my parents are married 46 years. My dad calls my aunt...who looks after my nana...the Fat Frump. He calls my uncle another name. He calls my mam's friend a Tramp Ass (apparently a character in an old western The Virginian)...a neighbour is 'the eyes and ears of the world'

It was only this year strange as it may seem that I realised couples were supposed to look in the same direction.

shesty

I am married to a normal (in so far as they are ) man. He doesn't say he hates me. He doesn't get up in my face about stuff. He doesn't throw things-ever. He doesn't speak nastily about my family. We've been together 13 years and he NEVER does those things, no matter how stressed, or angry, or whatever, the situation is.

So OP - that's not normal. It doesn't matter that it's only just started....it's not normal. You are strong and brave and best of all (even though it doesn't seem like that yet)....you are not yet in deep enough with him to make it too hard to get out. If that makes sense. Cut and run now, before money or kids or marriage is involved. And Estrellita's advice is excellent. I'd follow it all, if I were in your position.

bigpink

remembering wrote: »

Not at all. My sister said something 1 day which was her fault and he got over it. Then at Xmas my other sis brought it up so now he hates her the most. He was even calling the kids all names like how spoilt they all are - it was just horrible to listen to

He just starting calling kids names in front of alk ye adults?

remembering

shesty wrote: »

I am married to a normal (in so far as they are ) man. He doesn't say he hates me. He doesn't get up in my face about stuff. He doesn't throw things-ever. He doesn't speak nastily about my family. We've been together 13 years and he NEVER does those things, no matter how stressed, or angry, or whatever, the situation is.

So OP - that's not normal. It doesn't matter that it's only just started....it's not normal. You are strong and brave and best of all (even though it doesn't seem like that yet)....you are not yet in deep enough with him to make it too hard to get out. If that makes sense. Cut and run now, before money or kids or marriage is involved. And Estrellita's advice is excellent. I'd follow it all, if I were in your position.

Thank you so much. I suppose I'm so confused right now , I don't know if these things are normal in relationships but as you said it's not normal. My last relationship was never like this. I'm in turmoil and then I have all these people congratulating me. I even rang in sick to work as I can't face people yet. And I've just realised that he hasn't even apologised for anything he's done . Came home at lunch discussing our options for mortgages and i had to sit through that thinkin if only u knew there will never be a mortgage

remembering

bigpink wrote: »

He just starting calling kids names in front of alk ye adults?

No just slating them all to me. That they are all a shower of .beep beep ..

amtc

I watched an interview with Larry Lamb of Eastenders recently and he said his parents were good people who should never have met. I agree totally.

As I said I never got until this year that a marriage was about looking into the same direction.

remembering

bigpink wrote: »

Whats ways is he controlling you?

He doesn't control me - but maybe he might down the line. So far it's just the rows/ slagging family and the stuff he threw

njs030

remembering wrote: »

He doesn't control me - but maybe he might down the line. So far it's just the rows/ slagging family and the stuff he threw

Op you don't have to justify yourself. I think this poster has seen similar relationships themselves and thinks its normal but you can see from the majority of responses that it's not.

You know in your heart what he's doing is wrong, it's probably been going on longer than you think but only now you're noticing it.
Keep going with your plans to leave and not mention it to him and keep strong.