controlling partner?

remembering

Hi all

With my partner 2 years and my sisters think he's controlling. I didn't realise what this fully meant until I started googling and realised that he has many of the traits. I'm extremely confused as to what to do now. Do I run for the hills or try and talk to him or will it all get worse. We had a row new year and his temper did scare me a bit. The worst bit is we only got engaged at Xmas. Thanks

Rekop dog

It's difficult to comment with so little information but the fact you refer to your engagement as 'the worst bit' as opposed to something which you were overjoyed about is worrying.

Why did you say yes?

GingerLily

Can you give more information about recent examples?

I think there would be no harm ringing womens aid and talking it through with them.

Ursus Horribilis

In general, family members don't stick their oar in and make comments about someone's relationship unless they're genuinely worried. You're only with this guy two years so there is still a lot to learn about him. This temper of his - is this a new thing?

remembering

Rekop dog wrote: »

It's difficult to comment with so little information but the fact you refer to your engagement as 'the worst bit' as opposed to something which you were overjoyed about is worrying.

Why did you say yes?

What I meant by the engaged bit is I feel so miserable and I should be so happy. I'm very confused about it now as we never had such a big row like this before. He got angry because I misinterpreted something he said the night before which he said he didn't say and when I brought that up he got angry and he threw the engagement box at the wall and broke it and then he said he hated me in a very angry tone. He said he felt like putting the tv through the wall also. He then proceeded to slate nearly every member of my family and said I was stupid. The previous day he got angry over a small thing that happened. These are all new things that are happening but obviously family members have seen stuff before and said that he does like to get his own way.

Ursus Horribilis

remembering wrote: »

What I meant by the engaged bit is I feel so miserable and I should be so happy. I'm very confused about it now as we never had such a big row like this before. He got angry because I misinterpreted something he said the night before which he said he didn't say and when I brought that up he got angry and he threw the engagement box at the wall and broke it and then he said he hated me in a very angry tone. He said he felt like putting the tv through the wall also. He then proceeded to slate nearly every member of my family and said I was stupid. The previous day he got angry over a small thing that happened. These are all new things that are happening but obviously family members have seen stuff before and said that he does like to get his own way.

In light of all of the above, I think you should end this immediately. This is all very very nasty and not the stuff of normal rows. I wonder did he feel he could do this now the he had you engaged to him?

remembering

Rekop dog wrote: »

It's difficult to comment with so little information but the fact you refer to your engagement as 'the worst bit' as opposed to something which you were overjoyed about is worrying.

Why did you say yes?

What I meant by the engaged bit is I feel so miserable and I should be so happy. I'm very confused about it now as we never had such a big row like this before. He got angry because I misinterpreted something he said the night before which he said he didn't say and when I brought that up he got angry and he threw the engagement box at the wall and broke it and then he said he hated me in a very angry tone. He said he felt like putting the tv through the wall also. He then proceeded to slate nearly every member of my family and said I was stupid. The previous day he got angry over a small thing that happened. These are all new things that are happening but obviously family members have seen stuff before and said that he does like to get his own way.

GingerLily

Definitely talk to women's aid.

The good news is that he's failed to alienate you from your family so you still have their love and support.

Nevermind the engagement for now, do you live with him? If so can you stay somewhere else?

remembering

GingerLily wrote: »

Definitely talk to women's aid.

The good news is that he's failed to alienate you from your family so you still have their love and support.

Nevermind the engagement for now, do you live with him? If so can you stay somewhere else?

Yes only living with him a year. Nothing like this has happened before but I'm afraid reading about controlling people that they can get worse.

Ursus Horribilis

This sounds like your gut is screaming at you over this engagement. Rightly so from what you've told us. I agree with the poster who suggested you give Women's Aid a call. Their number is 1800341900

remembering

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

This sounds like your gut is screaming at you over this engagement. Rightly so from what you've told us. I agree with the poster who suggested you give Women's Aid a call. Their number is 1800341900

I will ring them thanks. It's so strange because i thought everything was great at Xmas

njs030

I noticed you said you misunderstood what he said. Do you think that in previous rows you've said you misunderstood or something like that quite often to pacify him so the problem would go away quite fast?
You shouldn't have to do that, it's OK to misunderstand and he should calmly explain what he means not throw a tantrum and scare you.

Do ring women's aid and talk to them, it doesn't mean you've decided anything or have to take any action it's just a chat.

Estrellita

Remembering - you are here for a reason. If something doesn't feel or sound right, then it probably isn't. His comments and actions don't instill me with confidence that he will make a great husband or father.

If he's a controlling person then you leaving him isn't an option for him. When controlling people feel like they are losing you, they will promise you the world and tell you they love you. Temper tantrums and abuse are blamed on something else. Drink, drugs, problems at work etc. These are cover stories for the real person behind them. From time to time life can throw us some curve balls causing you to be a bit snappy and act a little out of character, being short with others. What you describe is not a bit of pressure, it's abuse.

Being under pressure does not excuse statements such as 'I hate you' and 'you are stupid', then slagging off your family. This is someone who is trying to break you down and smash your support network. So think carefully what you do next. If you were to ask me, knowing what I know about these types I'd tell you to run like hell. You will regret marrying him. I thought marrying my ex would change him for the better (don't ask me why). He just turned into a bigger more dangerous b.astard than he was before.

I do have children with him, which makes the situation more difficult. You have no ties with this guy yet, so trust me when I say don't dig a bigger hole for yourself. These men don't change, they get worse. I'd finish it with him before the character assassination is complete, and your self esteem is gone down the s.hitter.

I didn't listen to my family, don't make my mistakes.

remembering

notjustsweet wrote: »

I noticed you said you misunderstood what he said. Do you think that in previous rows you've said you misunderstood or something like that quite often to pacify him so the problem would go away quite fast?
You shouldn't have to do that, it's OK to misunderstand and he should calmly explain what he means not throw a tantrum and scare you.

Do ring women's aid and talk to them, it doesn't mean you've decided anything or have to take any action it's just a chat.

Do you know ur right because I was definitely right about something trivial at Xmas but he had to shout at me saying he was right so I just agreed. I'm a strong person to a certain degree but I fear if I stay it could get worse and I'm nearly 44 soon and don't want to waste any more years. Only at Xmas we talked about getting a house so I don't know what to say about this now when he brings it up. I'm not sure how to approach this side of things with him. Do I write a letter to him
Explaining how I feel? I don't know

remembering

Estrellita wrote: »

Remembering - you are here for a reason. If something doesn't feel or sound right, then it probably isn't. His comments and actions don't instill me with confidence that he will make a great husband or father.

If he's a controlling person then you leaving him isn't an option for him. When controlling people feel like they are losing you, they will promise you the world and tell you they love you. Temper tantrums and abuse are blamed on something else. Drink, drugs, problems at work etc. These are cover stories for the real person behind them. From time to time life can throw us some curve balls causing you to be a bit snappy and act a little out of character, being short with others. What you describe is not a bit of pressure, it's abuse.

This does not include statements such as 'I hate you' and 'you are stupid', then slagging off your family. This is someone who is trying to break you down and smash your support network. So think carefully what you do next. If you were to ask me, knowing what I know about these types I'd tell you to run like hell. You will regret marrying him. I thought marrying my ex would change him for the better (don't ask me why). He just turned into a bigger more dangerous b.astard than he was before.

I do have children with him, which makes the situation more difficult. You have no ties with this guy yet, so trust me when I say don't dig a bigger hole for yourself. These men don't change, they get worse. I'd finish it with him before the character assassination is complete, and your self esteem is gone down the s.hitter.

I didn't listen to my family, don't make my mistakes.

You are so right and thanks for the long post. it just doesn't feel right and I can't get his angry face out of my mind, the way he went right up to my face and said I hate you. He never did that before. They say being with a controlling person creeps up on you and it's so true. I don't know how to go about Calmy ending this though because I fear he could be dangerous and involve my family

remembering

Estrellita wrote: »

Remembering - you are here for a reason. If something doesn't feel or sound right, then it probably isn't. His comments and actions don't instill me with confidence that he will make a great husband or father.

If he's a controlling person then you leaving him isn't an option for him. When controlling people feel like they are losing you, they will promise you the world and tell you they love you. Temper tantrums and abuse are blamed on something else. Drink, drugs, problems at work etc. These are cover stories for the real person behind them. From time to time life can throw us some curve balls causing you to be a bit snappy and act a little out of character, being short with others. What you describe is not a bit of pressure, it's abuse.

This does not include statements such as 'I hate you' and 'you are stupid', then slagging off your family. This is someone who is trying to break you down and smash your support network. So think carefully what you do next. If you were to ask me, knowing what I know about these types I'd tell you to run like hell. You will regret marrying him. I thought marrying my ex would change him for the better (don't ask me why). He just turned into a bigger more dangerous b.astard than he was before.

I do have children with him, which makes the situation more difficult. You have no ties with this guy yet, so trust me when I say don't dig a bigger hole for yourself. These men don't change, they get worse. I'd finish it with him before the character assassination is complete, and your self esteem is gone down the s.hitter.

I didn't listen to my family, don't make my mistakes.

You are so right and thanks for the long post. it just doesn't feel right and I can't get his angry face out of my mind, the way he went right up to my face and said I hate you. He never did that before. They say being with a controlling person creeps up on you and it's so true. I don't know how to go about Calmy ending this though because I fear he could be dangerous and involve my family

Ursus Horribilis

Ring Women's Aid first and have a chat with them. It's also important that you don't breathe a word to him about any doubts you're having about this. It could lead to an escalation in his behaviour. Please don't try to do too much or plan too far ahead for the moment.

remembering

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Ring Women's Aid first and have a chat with them. It's also important that you don't breathe a word to him about any doubts you're having about this. It could lead to an escalation in his behaviour. Please don't try to do too much or plan too far ahead for the moment.

Yes I'm Goin to act as normal as I can from
Here on in but I can't let this drag on to long either

Estrellita

remembering wrote: »

You are so right and thanks for the long post. it just doesn't feel right and I can't get his angry face out of my mind, the way he went right up to my face and said I hate you. He never did that before. They say being with a controlling person creeps up on you and it's so true. I don't know how to go about Calmy ending this though because I fear he could be dangerous and involve my family

What are your living arrangements, are changing the locks possible? Is moving in with family an option?

Listen to what you've said, you are afraid to tell him it's over. Don't let that point go over your head. Ending it with someone should be perhaps a sad thing but a relief if it's not right. Not scary.

You may need your family's help being honest. He is less likely to get angry if you have back up. If he tries to have a word in private, don't. He trying to separate you from the herd. Don't let it get to the point where your family make several attempts to help you get away from him, only to keep going back to him. Eventually they will stop bothering. It happened to me, but I eventually did it myself.

Getting married is a wonderful time, but don't let the thought of it carry you away. The shine will come off it when life goes back to normal. My divorce was long, hard and painful. Commit to someone who loves you and doesn't belittle you like him. Mr Right will come along. I met mine and I'm expecting a baby for him. We are moving into our new home soon, and the difference between him and my ex are like night and day. He's so kind and loving, and would never hurt me like ex did.

No need to thank me for my posts, I'm only too glad to pass on my experience to someone looking for help. Just please take action, and confide in family so they can be there for you.

remembering

Estrellita wrote: »

What are your living arrangements, are changing the locks possible? Is moving in with family an option?

Listen to what you've said, you are afraid to tell him it's over. Don't let that point go over your head. Ending it with someone should be perhaps a sad thing but a relief if it's not right. Not scary.

You may need your family's help being honest. He is less likely to get angry if you have back up. If he tries to have a word in private, don't. He trying to separate you from the herd. Don't let it get to the point where your family make several attempts to help you get away from him, only to keep going back to him. Eventually they will stop bothering. It happened to me, but I eventually did it myself.

Getting married is a wonderful time, but don't let the thought of it carry you away. My divorce was long, hard and painful. Commit to someone who loves you and doesn't belittle you like him. Mr Right will come along. I met mine and I'm expecting a baby for him. We are moving into our new home soon, and the difference between him and my ex are like night and day. He's so kind and loving, and would never hurt me like ex did.

No need to thank me for my posts, I'm only too glad to pass on my experience to someone looking for help. Just please take action, and confide in family so they can be there for you.

Yes you are so right again. Well he's on today about seeing a bank to get a mortgage so I said maybe next week. I know he's Goin to bring that up later so I don't know what to say then. I'll be fine if have to move. How your life can change overnight

njs030

remembering wrote: »

Yes you are so right again. Well he's on today about seeing a bank to get a mortgage so I said maybe next week. I know he's Goin to bring that up later so I don't know what to say then. I'll be fine if have to move. How your life can change overnight

Try not to think too far ahead, do remember he could sense your change andmight be a completely different person this evening very loving and all about you to confuse you. Don't say anything and try to be normal.

Id really suggest calling woman's aid who can talk you through what to do and how to deal with this properly.

You're very brave and strong.

remembering

notjustsweet wrote: »

Try not to think too far ahead, do remember he could sense your change andmight be a completely different person this evening very loving and all about you to confuse you. Don't say anything and try to be normal.

Id really suggest calling woman's aid who can talk you through what to do and how to deal with this properly.



You're very brave and strong.

The thing is after the row the other night he comes out of the room like nothing's happened. He is such a kind person so it's utterly confusing but the temper thing has done it for me. I can't get that out of my head and I can only imagine how my life could end if we did get married. I will
Keep you posted x

remembering

remembering wrote: »

The thing is after the row the other night he comes out of the room like nothing's happened. He is such a kind person so it's utterly confusing but the temper thing has done it for me. I can't get that out of my head and I can only imagine how my life could end if we did get married. I will
Keep you posted x

He's normal all the time - these arguments are all new. i can't believe I'm on here discussing this

Mr. Incognito

Get out and get out now.

People dont become abusive immediately into the relationship.

It's an erosion over time that wears down your self confidence until you feel like you deserve this.
It's mental torture.

The fact that he is slating your family speaks volumes as he is trying to alienate and isolate you from them.

Just get out asap.

Estrellita

remembering wrote: »

Yes you are so right again. Well he's on today about seeing a bank to get a mortgage so I said maybe next week. I know he's Goin to bring that up later so I don't know what to say then. I'll be fine if have to move. How your life can change overnight

Oh God, don't get into house buying with him. That is the only thing I did do right with my ex, we were renting with a view to buying. It never got that far.

Put in your your shoes I'd delay him while you come up with a plan of action. There would probably be a low housing stock due to the time of year, so that would be a good excuse.

Just so you know, I didn't tell my ex we were over till I changed the locks. Those kinds of discussions are for people that don't scare you. You are going to have to stay ahead of the game.

You could pack what you need when he's out, leave the ring behind and a note to say you are done. Of course there will be calls, texts, emails and carrier pigeons. Controlling people don't take no for an answer, and they hate the feeling of not being in control. Stay strong and united with your family.

bigpink

Could just be a bad temper over stress or worry if it was the first time.Men tendvto bottle up things

remembering

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Get out and get out now.

People dont become abusive immediately into the relationship.

It's an erosion over time that wears down your self confidence until you feel like you deserve this.
It's mental torture.

The fact that he is slating your family speaks volumes as he is trying to alienate and isolate you from them.

Just get out asap.

Oh I'm going to - I'm not going to let him ruin my life. It's going to hard but I'll do it. Thanks

Estrellita

bigpink wrote: »

Could just be a bad temper over stress or worry if it was the first time.Men tendvto bottle up things

Real men talk to their partners, not belittle them or claim to hate them. That's a scarily short fuse destined for trouble.

bigpink

Whats ways is he controlling you?

GingerLily

remembering wrote: »

remembering wrote: »

The thing is after the row the other night he comes out of the room like nothing's happened. He is such a kind person so it's utterly confusing but the temper thing has done it for me. I can't get that out of my head and I can only imagine how my life could end if we did get married. I will
Keep you posted x

He's normal all the time - these arguments are all new. i can't believe I'm on here discussing this

That's the most worrying part, everyone can lose their temper and behave badly, but he doesn't see anything wrong, he's not remoseful, there's no reason why he won't do it again.

He's just proposed and wants a mortgage already - watch your money. Keep it somewhere safe and don't let him any access to it.

remembering

bigpink wrote: »

Could just be a bad temper over stress or worry if it was the first time.Men tendvto bottle up things

That's true but slating my family all the time. I'm very close to my family. I can't handle the way he talks about them and they are very good people