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controlling partner?

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    #62
    .......
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,057 ✭✭✭.......


    This post has been deleted.


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    #63
    retro:electro
    Registered Users Posts: 21,039 ✭✭✭✭retro:electro


    Are you afraid of him?


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    #64
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi OP i recently wrote another thread on my own abusive relationship, but I was way further down the line than you and had let him get away with very similar tantrums over very small things. It really did corrode my confidence to nothing because in a way you're spending your time trying to pacify a giant baby (Saying baby makes them sound harmless but he really wasn't it was very threatening) and it is so draining watching what you say all the time and if you don't you have to deal with the worlds biggest melt down regularly. Believe me it will develop and it will become more and more regular and if you let it go you will start blaming yourself or completely altering your normal behaviour to avoid an outburst.
    He is acting now like everything is ok because his reaction is normal for him and I promise you he has done so many many times before. That's why he is not shocked by his own behaviour and is not ashamed and apologising. If you bring it up I promise you he will subtly blame you and even get annoyed that you say you were upset.

    You sister has already remarked and sometimes it takes a lot for a family member to come out and say such a thing, it's probably clear to everyone by now. You seem really strong, much stronger than I am, and you're doing the right thing by questioning this situation and maybe taking a step back. You know it's not normal, or acceptable so stand firm on that. Talk to women's aid and they will advise you on next steps.


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    #65
    twill
    Registered Users Posts: 587 ✭✭✭twill


    clairewithani wrote: »
    Reading up on something can be dangerous. He may be controlling but all of us show traits that may or not prove we are a certain way. Talk to someone with experience of this op
    He roared into her face that he hated her and that she was stupid. That can only be interpreted as abusive. You wouldn't treat a dog like that.


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    #66
    remembering
    Registered Users Posts: 258 ✭✭remembering


    anna080 wrote: »
    Are you afraid of him?

    No not at all - it's a confusing one. I did chat to him earlier and he said he would do it again if he was accused of saying something he didn't say.


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    #67
    lookinghere
    Registered Users Posts: 60 ✭✭lookinghere


    remembering wrote: »
    What I meant by the engaged bit is I feel so miserable and I should be so happy. I'm very confused about it now as we never had such a big row like this before. He got angry because I misinterpreted something he said the night before which he said he didn't say and when I brought that up he got angry and he threw the engagement box at the wall and broke it and then he said he hated me in a very angry tone. He said he felt like putting the tv through the wall also. He then proceeded to slate nearly every member of my family and said I was stupid. The previous day he got angry over a small thing that happened. These are all new things that are happening but obviously family members have seen stuff before and said that he does like to get his own way.
    Doesn't sound great just from what I read. I don't blame you been confused


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    #68
    bp
    Registered Users Posts: 1,731 ✭✭✭bp


    remembering wrote: »
    No not at all - it's a confusing one. I did chat to him earlier and he said he would do it again if he was accused of saying something he didn't say.

    I think that is your answer. He is telling you he will scream in your face and break stuff again. Call women's aid and think things through


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    #69
    remembering
    Registered Users Posts: 258 ✭✭remembering


    I'vebeenthere000 wrote: »
    Hi OP i recently wrote another thread on my own abusive relationship, but I was way further down the line than you and had let him get away with very similar tantrums over very small things. It really did corrode my confidence to nothing because in a way you're spending your time trying to pacify a giant baby (Saying baby makes them sound harmless but he really wasn't it was very threatening) and it is so draining watching what you say all the time and if you don't you have to deal with the worlds biggest melt down regularly. Believe me it will develop and it will become more and more regular and if you let it go you will start blaming yourself or completely altering your normal behaviour to avoid an outburst.
    He is acting now like everything is ok because his reaction is normal for him and I promise you he has done so many many times before. That's why he is not shocked by his own behaviour and is not ashamed and apologising. If you bring it up I promise you he will subtly blame you and even get annoyed that you say you were upset.

    You sister has already remarked and sometimes it takes a lot for a family member to come out and say such a thing, it's probably clear to everyone by now. You seem really strong, much stronger than I am, and you're doing the right thing by questioning this situation and maybe taking a step back. You know it's not normal, or acceptable so stand firm on that. Talk to women's aid and they will advise you on next steps.

    Thank you for the long post. It Makes so much sense especially the part about not being apologetic etc. After another sleepless night, I can't ignore this. I brought up how upset I was last night about the outburst but he just shrugged it off and he said he would do it again if he was accused of something he didn't say. I was extremely disappointed by this reply, because like you said he has obviously done this before and thinks it's normal behaviour.
    Thank you


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    #70
    .......
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,057 ✭✭✭.......


    This post has been deleted.


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    #71
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    When somebody tells you who they are, you've got to take heed. The man you thought your fiancé was does not exist. You've been given a taster of what life with him will be like. He doesn't have to get right up in your face and smash things next time there's a disagreement. The damage has been done. You're going to be consciously or subconsciously aware that it could happen.

    My worry is that you're going to sit on your hands and do nothing. Yesterday you were advised to give Women's Aid a call and you said you would. Please don't let that slide for too long. I know you've got a lot to digest but my concern is that you will somehow normalise this, get caught up with house hunting, mortgages, the wedding etc and no longer feel you can leave.


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    #72
    remembering
    Registered Users Posts: 258 ✭✭remembering


    Ursus Horribilis wrote: »
    When somebody tells you who they are, you've got to take heed. The man you thought your fiancé was does not exist. You've been given a taster of what life with him will be like. He doesn't have to get right up in your face and smash things next time there's a disagreement. The damage has been done. You're going to be consciously or subconsciously aware that it could happen.

    My worry is that you're going to sit on your hands and do nothing. Yesterday you were advised to give Women's Aid a call and you said you would. Please don't let that slide for too long. I know you've got a lot to digest but my concern is that you will somehow normalise this, get caught up with house hunting, mortgages, the wedding etc and no longer feel you can leave.

    I did call them yesterday but to be honest the advice I'm getting here is way better. No way am I getting a mortgage with him. I feel heartbroken right now and the thoughts of facing work and acting like I'm so happy is going to be extremely hard without breaking down.
    Thank you for the great advice also


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    #73
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    So have you decided to leave him?


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    #74
    remembering
    Registered Users Posts: 258 ✭✭remembering


    Ursus Horribilis wrote: »
    So have you decided to leave him?


    I have to. I can't continue on like this. I feel sick to the pit of my stomach right now. Reading up on other people's experiences, I think he needs counselling of some sort for these angry outbursts


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    #75
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    Can you turn to anybody in your family for help? Please don't let this go on for more than a day or two more. The longer you sit on the hands, the worse it will be.

    And please, don't try to fix him. His temper is one thing. His lack of remorse is terrifying.


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    #76
    remembering
    Registered Users Posts: 258 ✭✭remembering


    Ursus Horribilis wrote: »
    Can you turn to anybody in your family for help? Please don't let this go on for more than a day or two more. The longer you sit on the hands, the worse it will be.

    Thank you for your concern. I have fantastic family and friends thank god. I just have to end the relationship full stop. I'm not happy right now so that says it all really


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    #77
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    remembering wrote: »
    Thank you for your concern. I have fantastic family and friends thank god. I just have to end the relationship full stop. I'm not happy right now so that says it all really

    That's good to hear. I think his poisonous rant about your family was the start of his plan to undermine your support structure. He wants them gone so he can isolate you. Chances are he was hoping to poison you against them by planting those seeds of doubt in your head. Then he'd make it harder for you to visit. Long term he wants you with nobody to turn to.

    From a practical point of view, you shouldn't end things while you're on your own. He'll try to talk you round, promise you the moon and stars and behave himself for a while. I think it is significant that he behaved himself for so long, then showed his nasty side once you were engaged. There are hidden depths to this man.


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    #78
    Penny Tration
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,687 ✭✭✭✭Penny Tration


    remembering wrote: »
    I have to. I can't continue on like this. I feel sick to the pit of my stomach right now. Reading up on other people's experiences, I think he needs counselling of some sort for these angry outbursts

    I've been following the thread and you've been given some really fantastic advice, but I want to touch on something you mentioned here.

    You say he needs counselling for his angry outbursts. Now, I'm not denying he needs therapy at all. But I have to ask - when his boss annoys him, does he scream at his boss and throw things?

    Does he scream and break things when his mam annoys him?


    If he doesn't, then he doesn't have an anger problem. I bet he doesn't. I bet he holds his tongue around his boss and his mam, and is well behaved around them, because he doesn't have an anger issue, he has an abuse issue, with you being the target.


    If he had true anger issues, he wouldn't hold jobs, he'd be repeatedly sacked for abusing bosses, clients and colleagues.


    He's choosing not to control himself, and to instead be abusive to you.



    As for the sleep deprivation you mentioned - that's actually classified as a form of torture!


    I think you're incredibly brave for making the decision to leave. Many, many women don't have that courage til the abuse becomes physical. So I commend you, and I really hope you follow through.


    Can you talk to your sisters and get some support from them? It's amazing that you're getting support here, but I think real life support can help hugely too.


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    #79
    remembering
    Registered Users Posts: 258 ✭✭remembering


    Ursus Horribilis wrote: »
    That's good to hear. I think his poisonous rant about your family was the start of his plan to undermine your support structure. He wants them gone so he can isolate you. Chances are he was hoping to poison you against them by planting those seeds of doubt in your head. Then he'd make it harder for you to visit. Long term he wants you isolated.

    From a practical point of view, you shouldn't end things while you're on your own. He'll try to talk you round, promise you the moon and stars and behave himself for a while. I think it is significant that he behaved himself for so long, then showed his nasty side once you were engaged. There are hidden depths to this man.

    I never thought of it like that and I think that's the biggest shocker for me that this has happened so soon after getting engaged. The damage has been done for me and I can't go back. I cannot trust him now. He showed his true colours last night by just shrugging it all off like nothing had happened


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    #80
    remembering
    Registered Users Posts: 258 ✭✭remembering


    Penny Tration wrote: »
    I've been following the thread and you've been given some really fantastic advice, but I want to touch on something you mentioned here.

    You say he needs counselling for his angry outbursts. Now, I'm not denying he needs therapy at all. But I have to ask - when his boss annoys him, does he scream at his boss and throw things?

    Does he scream and break things when his mam annoys him?


    If he doesn't, then he doesn't have an anger problem. I bet he doesn't. I bet he holds his tongue around his boss and his mam, and is well behaved around them, because he doesn't have an anger issue, he has an abuse issue, with you being the target.


    If he had true anger issues, he wouldn't hold jobs, he'd be repeatedly sacked for abusing bosses, clients and colleagues.


    He's choosing not to control himself, and to instead be abusive to you.



    As for the sleep deprivation you mentioned - that's actually classified as a form of torture!


    I think you're incredibly brave for making the decision to leave. Many, many women don't have that courage til the abuse becomes physical. So I commend you, and I really hope you follow through.


    Can you talk to your sisters and get some support from them? It's amazing that you're getting support here, but I think real life support can help hugely too.

    Funny you should say that because he constantly fights with people in work and every day I have to listen to what x y and z done, another thing I'm
    Soo drained listening to. He has fallen out with his parents before for a long time so yes it's not just me.

    I'm going to talk to my sisters at the weekend thank you


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    #81
    Yellow pack crisps
    Registered Users Posts: 564 ✭✭✭Yellow pack crisps


    Regardless of how he is and how he behaves and how other people see him is the fact that you are just plainly not in love with him. That is your real answer right there and every flaw, every personality niche and every loose word will annoy you, make you sad and make you ill at ease. Nobody here knows the full extent of your relationship and the personalties involved so to say break up is easy and judging by what you have wrote then 8 out 10 people would be on their bike so to speak but even ignoring all that: You aint in love with him and you don't even trust him. Let your feelings be your guide.


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    #82
    remembering
    Registered Users Posts: 258 ✭✭remembering


    Yellow pack crisps wrote: »
    Regardless of how he is and how he behaves and how other people see him is the fact that you are just plainly not in love with him. That is your real answer right there and every flaw, every personality niche and every loose word will annoy you, make you sad and make you ill at ease. Nobody here knows the full extent of your relationship and the personalties involved so to say break up is easy and judging by what you have wrote then 8 out 10 people would be on their bike so to speak but even ignoring all that: You aint in love with him and you don't even trust him. Let your feelings be your guide.

    Why do you think I'm not in love with him and I dont trust him?


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    #83
    Stealthfins
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,141 ✭✭✭Stealthfins


    Run to the hills.
    He sounds like a right pain in the head.
    Imagine every day your future walking on eggshells, wondering what's coming home to you.

    Guys like him take year's to recover if they start getting help for their issues.

    It'll be an upheaval for you waiting around hoping he'll change.

    The best thing you can do for yourself and him is walk.


    You'll give him a chance to look at himself, you never know he might be grateful in the future you left him and he could be happy single in the long run.


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    #84
    remembering
    Registered Users Posts: 258 ✭✭remembering


    Yellow pack crisps wrote: »
    Regardless of how he is and how he behaves and how other people see him is the fact that you are just plainly not in love with him. That is your real answer right there and every flaw, every personality niche and every loose word will annoy you, make you sad and make you ill at ease. Nobody here knows the full extent of your relationship and the personalties involved so to say break up is easy and judging by what you have wrote then 8 out 10 people would be on their bike so to speak but even ignoring all that: You aint in love with him and you don't even trust him. Let your feelings be your guide.

    Why do you think I'm not in love with him and I dont trust him?


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    #85
    Yellow pack crisps
    Registered Users Posts: 564 ✭✭✭Yellow pack crisps


    remembering wrote: »
    Yellow pack crisps wrote: »
    Regardless of how he is and how he behaves and how other people see him is the fact that you are just plainly not in love with him. That is your real answer right there and every flaw, every personality niche and every loose word will annoy you, make you sad and make you ill at ease. Nobody here knows the full extent of your relationship and the personalties involved so to say break up is easy and judging by what you have wrote then 8 out 10 people would be on their bike so to speak but even ignoring all that: You aint in love with him and you don't even trust him. Let your feelings be your guide.

    Why do you think I'm not in love with him and I dont trust him?

    Before I write what I write I will preface it by saying I'm not privy to your relationship, you or your partner and this is my view and my view only. If you love someone your first thought is how to help them. Rightfully you have listened to those who love you and those who know you. Your partner does not sound like a very nice guy to be honest and when we are in love we tend to go against every instinct we have to repair what's wrong. From an outside perspective it seems you are looking for his faults as opposed to knowing them if that makes sense? I'm not victim blaming here btw I think if it was my sister i would 100% encourage her to leave. As for the trust part I mean overall and not infidelity wise. You don't trust him because for one you don't feel comfortable bringing up a problem that needs to be discussed.


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    #86
    remembering
    Registered Users Posts: 258 ✭✭remembering


    Yellow pack crisps wrote: »
    Before I write what I write I will preface it by saying I'm not privy to your relationship, you or your partner and this is my view and my view only. If you love someone your first thought is how to help them. Rightfully you have listened to those who love you and those who know you. Your partner does not sound like a very nice guy to be honest and when we are in love we tend to go against every instinct we have to repair what's wrong. From an outside perspective it seems you are looking for his faults as opposed to knowing them if that makes sense? I'm not victim blaming here btw I think if it was my sister i would 100% encourage her to leave. As for the trust part I mean overall and not infidelity wise. You don't trust him because for one you don't feel comfortable bringing up a problem that needs to be discussed.

    That's very true because last night I dreaded even bringing up the topic. I hate arguments but deep down I know the issue has to be addressed. I was thinking about suggesting some kind of maybe anger management therapy but I know he would think I was mad even to suggest such a thing.


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    #87
    Yellow pack crisps
    Registered Users Posts: 564 ✭✭✭Yellow pack crisps


    remembering wrote: »
    Yellow pack crisps wrote: »
    Before I write what I write I will preface it by saying I'm not privy to your relationship, you or your partner and this is my view and my view only. If you love someone your first thought is how to help them. Rightfully you have listened to those who love you and those who know you. Your partner does not sound like a very nice guy to be honest and when we are in love we tend to go against every instinct we have to repair what's wrong. From an outside perspective it seems you are looking for his faults as opposed to knowing them if that makes sense? I'm not victim blaming here btw I think if it was my sister i would 100% encourage her to leave. As for the trust part I mean overall and not infidelity wise. You don't trust him because for one you don't feel comfortable bringing up a problem that needs to be discussed.

    That's very true because last night I dreaded even bringing up the topic. I hate arguments but deep down I know the issue has to be addressed. I was thinking about suggesting some kind of maybe anger management therapy but I know he would think I was mad even to suggest such a thing.


    In turn if he truly loves and values you he will do whatever it takes to mend your relationship. The answer truly lies in his response.

    Therapy is the first port of call and couples therapy to begin with him seeking solo therapy also. You need to have that conversation with him and If he closes that down then you have your answer. Put off all forms of marriage and mortgage talk for now. The way he spoke to you and acted is completely unacceptable and it needs to be addressed one way or the other.


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    #88
    remembering
    Registered Users Posts: 258 ✭✭remembering


    Yellow pack crisps wrote: »
    In turn if he truly loves and values you he will do whatever it takes to mend your relationship. The answer truly lies in his response.

    Therapy is the first port of call and couples therapy to begin with him seeking solo therapy also. You need to have that conversation with him and If he closes that down then you have your answer. Put off all forms of marriage and mortgage talk for now. The way he spoke to you and acted is completely unacceptable and it needs to be addressed one way or the other.

    That is very true. Would you suggest I wrote a long letter explaining how I feel as I always forget things to say. Leave him the letter and let him mull it over ?


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    #89
    Estrellita
    Registered Users Posts: 638 ✭✭✭Estrellita


    remembering wrote: »
    I was thinking about suggesting some kind of maybe anger management therapy but I know he would think I was mad even to suggest such a thing.

    I'll wager he wouldn't react well to that, nor would he go ahead with it while you are still under the same roof (speaking from experience).

    People with anger / control issues generally fall into the same bracket. I told my ex he had anger problems and the blame turned to me. They are never at fault until you threaten to leave. Then it's promises to change that never materialise.

    Your relationship or feelings towards him shouldn't be up for judgement here. You probably had been in a loving relationship until his anger problems surfaced. How someone speaks to you and the content of what they say can fracture your trust and make you question - is this really the person I love saying this to me? You start to realise you were loving a shell, when there is an awful lot more going on under the shell than you even dreamed of. This changes how you see them.

    It's not your job to counsel him, you can tell him he has problems but it's up to him to deal with it. You are under no obligation to stay with him however.


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    #90
    Dark Phoenix
    Registered Users Posts: 1,185 ✭✭✭Dark Phoenix


    I think OP you have been given some very good advice here and you are also being very brave and honest. It is very telling that this behaviour happened shortly after an engagement, it seems as though he thought he had sealed the deal or something and could lay down the law. 
    People like this are very clever at normalising their behaviour and making you doubt yourself so you start to wonder did you over react or misunderstand. They will not apologise for or acknowldege their behaviour - this leaves you with the horrible choice of a) bring it up and risk another argument or b) say nothing. Over time you start to choose option B more and more just to keep the peace. You end up agreeing with them to keep the peace. You start gauging his mood and acting on eggshells around him and changing your behaviour so as not to cause an argument. You become under their control. His statement that he will do it again shows he has no remorse and will do it again if he wants - it also shows he didnt do it in the heat of the moment, it was deliberate
    This acting like nothing happened is showing also in his persistence of talking about a mortgage, its yet more effort to control you. As someone else said, be careful about money because the next step is to financially tie you to him. 
    I was engaged to an ex I had gone out with for years. Your story reminded me of it. He drank too much, blamed everyone and everything but himself for his problems, and was miserable and negative. The negativity wore me down. he hated his family and mine and made horrible comments about my family. I started avoiding family and friends as he didnt want to be around them and also because I didnt want to admit what things were like. he tried to bully me into buying a house with him despite him being financially unstable and into taking out a mortgage in my name to buy his parents house. Thankfully I refused on both accounts. I started getting in touch with friends again and doing new things and got more involved in my hobby. I started to gain confidence and independence. he hated it and would try to make me feel guilty when I was out enjoying myself because he would sit at home and had no friends (yet he refused to come to anything with me). We eventually broke up - I was devasted at the time but now know its the best thing that ever happened to me - he was like a lead weight around my neck. I used to hate even ringing him if I had a great day as his down in the dumps negative tne when I rang him would suck the joy out of anything. |I found out afterwards that he cheated on me too so while these sort of people will try and control you - they will do whatever they like as well. 

    I wouldnt bother with a letter - either leave or try and discuss it and see will he go to counselling. If you dont feel you can have a discussion with him without more of this behaviour then that says it all really


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    #91
    retro:electro
    Registered Users Posts: 21,039 ✭✭✭✭retro:electro


    Do you think a letter would actually help the situation? Or do you have an idealistic view of him reading the letter and coming to his senses? You've already told him how you feel, multiple times now right? You've explicitly stated your feelings and he has explicitly stated he will do it again. He is going to do it again. Personally, the only thing I'd be writing is a note on the fridge saying you've left and not to contact you.


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