Mother refuses to go to wedding.

GingerLily

Farmerstatia wrote: »

Never been to a counsellor about any of it through out the years just carried on for my son.
I'm just gonna forget bout myou mum it's not worth it...I have tried I've text I've rang. I've sent fb messages then she blocked me I've sent birthday presents but nothing acknowledged. ...head up now wedding around the corner and our little family and future to look forward too

Please see a counsellor and follow through on cutting contact with your mother, you need to look after yourself and your family.

Ursus Horribilis

I strongly suggest you pick up the phone on Tuesday morning and contact your GP for a referral to a counsellor. Urgently.

The Raptor

I hate to say it to you but this is not about your mother taking her partners side. She just does not like you. I'm sorry to say it but look up narcissist mothers. You're the scapegoat. It does not matter what you do in life, you will never have her support. She will never ever apologise. The word sorry is not in their vocabulary. It was so easy for her to let you go, normal mothers wouldn't do that and realise when they have hurt you.

I hope you enjoy your day but even if your mother did come at the last minute, she will try and ruin your day. It's always about them. She won't be able to handle that it's your day. Look into getting some counselling, there are also some great facebook groups on narcissist mothers.

Big Bag of Chips

Are you over 18? If so, what is your mother talking about signing anything? She is trying to make your wedding about her, and it seems like you are letting her. I'm not being funny OP, but she doesn't sound right in the head. I assume this will be your one and only wedding day? Why, why, why would you let that woman anywhere need it. She doesn't care about you. Yes, she's your mother and she should, but she doesn't. And no matter how much you wish she did, it's not going to make it happen. All you can do is protect yourself and your family from her.

I'm really sorry. I know you posted here hoping for people to tell you how to have your perfect beautiful day that you worked so hard for and saved so much for, and include your mother in it. That's not going to happen. If you continue to let this woman into your life, then you have to accept that you are allowing her chance after chance and opportunity again and again to upset you.

This is where you make your decision. You either draw a line and don't allow it anymore. Or you continue as you have been and she will continue as she has been.

evolving_doors

Can't help thinking that this has more to do with resentment towards yer dad than you.

Farmerstatia

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Are you over 18? If so, what is your mother talking about signing anything? She is trying to make your wedding about her, and it seems like you are letting her. I'm not being funny OP, but she doesn't sound right in the head. I assume this will be your one and only wedding day? Why, why, why would you let that woman anywhere need it. She doesn't care about you. Yes, she's your mother and she should, but she doesn't. And no matter how much you wish she did, it's not going to make it happen. All you can do is protect yourself and your family from her.

I'm really sorry. I know you posted here hoping for people to tell you how to have your perfect beautiful day that you worked so hard for and saved so much for, and include your mother in it. That's not going to happen. If you continue to let this woman into your life, then you have to accept that you are allowing her chance after chance and opportunity again and again to upset you.

This is where you make your decision. You either draw a line and don't allow it anymore. Or you continue as you have been and she will continue as she has been.

I am over 18 I'm 30!! The priest needs a former signed to say I've never been married think he going to contact my dad instead cause she was rude to the priest. ..
I'm just drawing the line now and carrying on cause I've been huRte and broken so many times I can't and won't allow that to happen anymore..

Thanks to everyone for all there advice I know some of it was harsh but you are stating fact and I think you need strangers to point these facts out to you before you will see them.. xx

happywithlife

Op you need to let go of the ideal mum-daughter relationship you obviously wish you had with you mum. As an estranged daughter I can tell you its the only thing that will bring acceptance and peace. You may have to grieve when letting go of that ideal you hold dear but she doesn't sound like a nice mum. Let it go. Whether you wish her to be there is your decision but my advice is either uninvite her or tell her she's welcome only on the issue of an apology for the lies she's told regarding her bf saying/not saying hurtful things and she must be on best behaviour on the day. Do not engage with her after that. Prepare as if she's not going and do your best to put her out of your mind. Give your love to your finance and your own children

Big Bag of Chips

If you're getting married in a different parish, and you haven't lived there for 6 months, you need a letter of freedom from the priest in your home parish. Your notice of intention to marry sorts out the issue of checking if you were ever married before. I don't know what the priest is looking for, but at 30 years of age he needs nothing from either of your parents. What about people who get married with no living parent? My friend got married at 32 and both her parents were dead.

I think you continue to make excuses as to why you need to have contact with this woman. Just because she's your mother doesn't mean she has to play any role in your life. You're 30. You don't need her. You want her to be a mother and that's a different issue. But you want something that you're never going to have.

Farmerstatia

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

If you're getting married in a different parish, and you haven't lived there for 6 months, you need a letter of freedom from the priest in your home parish. Your notice of intention to marry sorts out the issue of checking if you were ever married before. I don't know what the priest is looking for, but at 30 years of age he needs nothing from either of your parents. What about people who get married with no living parent? My friend got married at 32 and both her parents were dead.

I think you continue to make excuses as to why you need to have contact with this woman. Just because she's your mother doesn't mean she has to play any role in your life. You're 30. You don't need her. You want her to be a mother and that's a different issue. But you want something that you're never going to have.

I got letters of freedom from my old parish but I've lived here for ten years.. I don't know why the priest needs her to signore stuff I told him she wouldn't sign it before he went down..

I'm not making excuses to try be all OK again to be honest I'm glad she is not in my life but I still thought it would be nice that she went to the wedding all the same...

Big Bag of Chips

Farmerstatia wrote: »

I don't know why the priest needs her to signore stuff I told him she wouldn't sign it before he went down.

I'm not trying to be funny, but do you not think it would be worth finding out?! Your mother is unstable. Is doing her best to sabotage your wedding day and you allowed the priest to go to her, to get her to sign something to do with your wedding day, and you don't know what it is, or why she'd be asked to sign it!

As a 30 year old woman, there is nothing your parents have to sign in order for you to get married!

infogiver

The Raptor wrote: »

No I wouldn't do this.

It gives people like this something to talk about. If you don't invite her, it will be you that will look bad.

This is spot on too

athtrasna

Farmerstatia wrote: »

I got letters of freedom from my old parish but I've lived here for ten years.. I don't know why the priest needs her to signore stuff I told him she wouldn't sign it before he went down..

I'm not making excuses to try be all OK again to be honest I'm glad she is not in my life but I still thought it would be nice that she went to the wedding all the same...

Get a legal affidavit. Costs about 20/30 euro but cuts out all the letters of freedom stuff. Well worth it imo

Yellow pack crisps

This is not about your mother coming to your wedding. Deep down you don't want her there. Separating that from emotional guilt is the problem. Just because she gave birth to you does not mean she deserves your love, devotion and loyality! Cut her out for a year, get counciling and see how you feel then.

4976340

I was reading your thread and going to say just invite him for a quiet life. Then you say the rest about your mother and not seeing her for two years. It is your decision to invite but I think you should invite them both, they sound as bad as each other, if you really would like your mother to be there. I have a large family and sometimes you are better not to hear everything that everyone has to say about each other and third hand information can be very wrong.
If you want your mother there then invite them both, it won't be that important on the day regarding who likes who, it will be your day. If you don't want your mother there then don't invite either of them.
If you want to repair your relationship with your mother then that is totally different and a wedding day is not the remedy.
Either way, you will have a great day. Families are strange, you are not alone.

up for anything

[QUOTE=Farmerstatia;102121571
...also she told the priest she is not signing any paperwork on allow me to marry in this parish...I'm not from this parish so paperwork to be signed to state I've never been married!![/QUOTE]

You need to ask the priests of whatever parishes you've ever lived in to give you a letter/letters of freedom. They check the marriage registers for your details and if you haven't been married in their parish they give you a letter to that effect - hence it's a letter of freedom from them to get married in another parish.

Yellow pack crisps

up for anything wrote: »

You need to ask the priests of whatever parishes you've ever lived in to give you a letter/letters of freedom. They check the marriage registers for your details and if you haven't been married in their parish they give you a letter to that effect - hence it's a letter of freedom from them to get married in another parish.

She needs to find a church with less ridiculous methods!

athtrasna

up for anything wrote: »

You need to ask the priests of whatever parishes you've ever lived in to give you a letter/letters of freedom. They check the marriage registers for your details and if you haven't been married in their parish they give you a letter to that effect - hence it's a letter of freedom from them to get married in another parish.

Not required. A legal affidavit will do the same thing. Mine cost 10 euro from our solicitor

amtc

The point is you get it. Nothing to do with your mother.

Weddings bring out strange things in people. My cousin got married a few years ago. My aunt...would also be hers...came from Australia. She was coming anyway but my cousin had sent an invite to our grandmother who couldn't travel. Anyway my aunt replied back to say she'd be honoured to represent the family.

Anyway the day she arrives in Dublin a two page typed letter was put in my parents door saying no as she only wanted special people but you can come along to the afters. Another cousin for whom the girl getting married was her bridesmaid got the same letter. I already had an evening invite and that's all I would have expected. Anyway all three of us went off to the evening do...to find out the groom' s mother had hired an escort!

Anyway to op it's your mother's loss. Just think how stressed you'd be if were there. Is there any way you could have a one on one conversation with her...and then you'll know you've exhausted everything

Sapphire

You are feeling what I call "Perfect Syndrome" - Basically in the planning of a wedding you naturally want it to be a perfect day where all elements fall in seamlessly. We all do. That includes perfectly behaved roles for key family members. But this becomes problematic when there is someone that should be in a key role but who is normally disruptive and does not have your best interests at heart.

You are looking at your mother as the mother of the bride and wanting that role filled for your perfect day but have lost sight of who she really is. Sadly, you cant have a smiling proud mother of the bride there because in your life that person simply does not exist, and trying to force the mother you have into the role you'd like her to have will potentially ruin your wedding.

She is who she is. For whatever reason, she's hell bent on ruining this day for you. Chances are that she has form for this - what was she like at other significant times of your life? I'm guessing she's done this before to you. Take your cues from past behaviour, and don't assume that because it's your wedding she'll be any different, if anything she may very well ramp up her bad behaviour rather than show any restraint you were hoping for.

Take charge. YOU sort paperwork with the priest. YOU find out what documents he needs and who needs to sign them, and YOU give them to him directly. If you feel you need to give her a 'job' for the wedding to keep her from meddling elsewhere, give her one thing you are not pushed about (flowers /cake) when she deliberately messes it up for you its not something that is important for your day. So not the wedding car for example. Check with your reception venue that she hasn't called them and made changes to your reception supposedly on your behalf, and make sure that if she does call them, to notify you. It wont be all that unusual a request for a venue. Put in place other strategies as you need.

Wishing you a lovely, perfect day

Goose81

So you didnt really tell the truth at all in this thread, looking at another one of your posts

Farmerstatia wrote: »

hi all...

getting married in march 2017 exciting times..
I don't know if this the right place to put this but ill ask anyway..
so I have a big big problem with my mum..basically long story short her and my oh fell out due to derogatory remarks made by my mums newest fella about having to get my mum to be a surrogate for myself and the oh ( we are going through fertility treatment at present four yeats ttc) anyway the oh went ape and rang up going mental to my mums boyfriend and all hell broke loose.
she wont come to the wedding,
wont speak to me,
refuses to let me see my brothers and sisters,
my youngest brother is 4 and I haven't seen him in 2 years,

my mum and dad are separated 13 years and she is using this as another excuse to not come.
and today I found out she is actually keeping my brother back a year in school so my son and my brother don't make their conformation together.they are in the same class and school..

any help at all ladies and gents I dunno what to do..she completely blanking me ive tried ringing etc she wont talk and said she doesn have a daughter called statia anymore..
I really would like her to come to the wedding...

So the story isnt really as straightforward as you have made out at all, if someones partner is being asked to be a surrogate I would expect them to have an opinion on it and be heard. That might be taken as offensive by you and your partner but its something that will affect his life too.

Also one minute shes a potential surrogate and the next you arent speaking, you both sound unstable tbh.

ArtyC

Goose81 wrote: »

So you didnt really tell the truth at all in this thread, looking at another one of your posts


So the story isnt really as straightforward as you have made out at all, if someones partner is being asked to be a surrogate I would expect them to have an opinion on it and be heard. That might be taken as offensive by you and your partner but its something that will affect his life too.

Also one minute shes a potential surrogate and the next you arent speaking, you both sound unstable tbh.

I don't think that was what she meant?! I read it as him saying her mother would more likely carry than her not that the mother was asked to do so ...

david75

Being a softie is fine. Being a doormat for either her other half but especially your mam is far from fine.

Uninvite them both and let her know why and go have a lovely day. Sounds like they'd both just ruin it on you.

Farmerstatia

Goose81 wrote: »

So you didnt really tell the truth at all in this thread, looking at another one of your posts


So the story isnt really as straightforward as you have made out at all, if someones partner is being asked to be a surrogate I would expect them to have an opinion on it and be heard. That might be taken as offensive by you and your partner but its something that will affect his life too.

Also one minute shes a potential surrogate and the next you arent speaking, you both sound unstable tbh.

I understand that everyone is entitled to there opinions but what I have said in my posts is he truth..I told my mum about us having trouble trying to conceive. I was upset about us ttc as it is a sensitive subjet if anyone is going through ithe will know.. my mum has had 12 children. She has had no trouble conceiving at all but athe the time her fella said time his remark oh you will have to get your mum to be a surrogate for you my mum had been sterilised and I had not told him about our difficulties in ttc as it's not his place to know they were only together a yearound and furthermore my mum even though she knew about the ttc for near four years stood in the kitchen beside me and laughEd her head off as she thought it was hilarious. . Sorry if you think I'm unstable but tbh I don't think I am considering what was such a sensitive subject was turned into a massize joke

Farmerstatia

Farmerstatia wrote: »

I understand that everyone is entitled to there opinions but what I have said in my posts is he truth..I told my mum about us having trouble trying to conceive. I was upset about us ttc as it is a sensitive subjet if anyone is going through ithe will know.. my mum has had 12 children. She has had no trouble conceiving at all but athe the time her fella said time his remark oh you will have to get your mum to be a surrogate for you my mum had been sterilised and I had not told him about our difficulties in ttc as it's not his place to know they were only together a yearound and furthermore my mum even though she knew about the ttc for near four years stood in the kitchen beside me and laughEd her head off as she thought it was hilarious. . Sorry if you think I'm unstable but tbh I don't think I am considering what was such a sensitive subject was turned into a massize joke

And my mum was never asked to be a surrogate as she was sterilised the year before.. us having a surrogate had never been mentioned till he said it about my mum

SecretBride

I think that you need to get a few minutes to yourself to get some space to think....then you need to think about what will upset you more. Your mum not attending your wedding or your mum and her partner being there.

Think about the good and the bad in both situations, make a written list if that helps. I know that for me I would picture myself getting ready on the day, trying to have a lovely time with my bridesmaids etc on the morning but feeling sick to the stomach inside at the thought of my mum being there saying whatever she might say, doing whatever she might do with all of our friends and family there. Will there be trouble with your dad and her there? Does he have a new partner? Is that an issue?

Do you truly believe that if she is there that it will be all Mills and Boon? Do you think she could attend and not disrupt things? If so invite them both. As someone who has already been through it twice I can back up what's already been said here which is that you won't even notice them on the day, you are so busy with everyone.

From the sounds of things it won't be all sweetness and light though.....going back to your first couple of posts I would say don't uninvite them but don't push it, if they are there they are there at this stage. I probably wouldn't have invited them in the first place to be honest.....weddings can be stressful enough without inviting trouble

ct5amr2ig1nfhp

Life is far too short for this sort of family garbage. I went through it for years until I said enough is enough. My life is so much easier now because of it.

You have invited your mother and not her partner for whatever reason. That's the end of the story. Don't be worrying yourself about what she wants.
If she doesn't want to go, then so be it.

You are starting on a new journey with your finance. Enjoy the wedding day and forget about your mother not being there.

Farmerstatia wrote: »

Hi everyone..
Basically I'm getting married in 11 weeks and my mum won't come to the wedding due to myself and the htb not inviting her current partner due to him saying horrible things and jibes about us having to go through Ivf. ..
Am I being unreasonable in not wanting someone like him to come to our wedding? Any advice really appreciated. .