Mother refuses to go to wedding.

Farmerstatia

Hi everyone..
Basically I'm getting married in 11 weeks and my mum won't come to the wedding due to myself and the htb not inviting her current partner due to him saying horrible things and jibes about us having to go through Ivf. ..
Am I being unreasonable in not wanting someone like him to come to our wedding? Any advice really appreciated. .

judeboy101

Is she aware of comments he made? If yes and has no issue with them then screw her its your day not hers. Is htb dad alive? If so invite him and mil as a couple for the devilment.

uck51js9zml2yt

You're being perfectly reasonable. If someone can't say anything good a out you, why would you want them at the most important day of your life.
Just make sure your mother knows what he said about you and that she's welcome on her own.
Move on and enjoy your day.

GingerLily

Farmerstatia wrote: »

Hi everyone..
Basically I'm getting married in 11 weeks and my mum won't come to the wedding due to myself and the htb not inviting her current partner due to him saying horrible things and jibes about us having to go through Ivf. ..
Am I being unreasonable in not wanting someone like him to come to our wedding? Any advice really appreciated. .

I think you'll have to either invite him or accept your mother won't go.

Farmerstatia

judeboy101 wrote: »

Is she aware of comments he made? If yes and has no issue with them then screw her its your day not hers. Is htb dad alive? If so invite him and mil as a couple for the devilment.

Hi jideboy..
Yes my mum knows what he said and literally went ape on my butt cause I told my oh what he had said to me and I was very upset it's a very sensitive issue. .any way my oh rang him and went to town on his ass and laid into him for saying sUchida insensitive and upsetting things but my mum turned it around and backed her ass of a fella up and said he said nothing at all but the worst thing is when he said it to me my mum stood there and laughed she thought it was hilarious..so she taking his side saying he never opened his mouth to me and that my oh had no right to ring him and go mental...

Farmerstatia

Sandra Tasty Head wrote: »

You're being perfectly reasonable. If someone can't say anything good a out you, why would you want them at the most important day of your life.
Just make sure your mother knows what he said about you and that she's welcome on her own.
Move on and enjoy your day.

She was standing here when he said it and she laughed her head off...she is saying that he never opened his mouth and didn't say anything to me at all!!!

whoopsadoodles

Sounds like you'd be better off without her there too tbh.

mickmackmcgoo

If I was you I'd actually contact your mother and officially uninvite her to your wedding if that's her attitude

Farmerstatia

I would like her there do..
She hasn't spoke to me in two years wouldn't congratulate us on getting engaged two years ago..
Only puts her man first..
My dad is coming and she hates him..
I dunno...

Loveinapril

Have you posted about this before?

It is your wedding and if you feel that you have cause not to invite someone, that's up to you. You know what that means regarding your mother's attendance. If she is choosing not to go to your wedding then you should leave it at that. It is unfortunate but it sounds like having the partner there would ruin it for you anyway. You just have to ask yourself is him not being there more important than her being there.

Loveinapril

Farmerstatia wrote: »

I would like her there do..
She hasn't spoke to me in two years wouldn't congratulate us on getting engaged two years ago..

Why on earth would you want her there?

Farmerstatia

Loveinapril wrote: »

Why on earth would you want her there?

Cause I'm a softie and even though all his has happened it would be nice for her to be there for the first ever wedding in the family

Loveinapril

Farmerstatia wrote: »

Cause I'm a softie and even though all his has happened it would be nice for her to be there for the first ever wedding in the family

Nice for who? She clearly doesn't care enough about it to make the effort. Your wedding day should be about love. She has not shown this to you over the past two years.

GingerLily

Farmerstatia wrote: »

I would like her there do..
She hasn't spoke to me in two years wouldn't congratulate us on getting engaged two years ago..
Only puts her man first..
My dad is coming and she hates him..
I dunno...

I remember when my sister started crying watching Father of the Bride because she knew that she could never have that white wedding with our parents both by her side supporting her.

It's a sad truth to learn but from what you've said you don't have a relationship with your mother so you really need to accept that.

How much better will it be to have people there who love you both and want to celebrate your relationship on your wedding day?

infogiver

Farmerstatia wrote: »

Hi everyone..
Basically I'm getting married in 11 weeks and my mum won't come to the wedding due to myself and the htb not inviting her current partner due to him saying horrible things and jibes about us having to go through Ivf. ..
Am I being unreasonable in not wanting someone like him to come to our wedding? Any advice really appreciated. .

OP your mother doesn't want to go to your wedding right now. It's sad and disappointing but it happens all the time for a myriad of reasons.
You and your OH are entitled to say that someone who is in effect a complete stranger to you, and has spoken to you insensitively, is not welcome on your big day.
Your mother should have asked him to apologise to you both and give assurances that he wouldn't insult you again.
She hasn't.
She has chosen him over her own flesh and blood.
My advice is to leave it be now. No further discussions about it beyond making it clear to her that if she decides to show up with him on the day that they both will be removed.
In the meantime if either of them decide to apologise then you can reconsider,
Now put it away if you can and try to enjoy the run up to your wedding

judeboy101

Farmerstatia wrote: »

Hi jideboy..
Yes my mum knows what he said and literally went ape on my butt cause I told my oh what he had said to me and I was very upset it's a very sensitive issue. .any way my oh rang him and went to town on his ass and laid into him for saying sUchida insensitive and upsetting things but my mum turned it around and backed her ass of a fella up and said he said nothing at all but the worst thing is when he said it to me my mum stood there and laughed she thought it was hilarious..so she taking his side saying he never opened his mouth to me and that my oh had no right to ring him and go mental...

If your dad is there and is giving you away I'd not worry too much about your mother. Her loss and as a husband whose mil ruined his wedding day due to her interference if she comes she will probably being the fella to the dinner/afters even if he's not invited.

Farmerstatia

Loveinapril wrote: »

Nice for who? She clearly doesn't care enough about it to make the effort. Your wedding day should be about love. She has not shown this to you over the past two years.

Your are right..it's about me my fiance and our son..not my mum

dudara

Farmerstatia wrote: »

Cause I'm a softie and even though all his has happened it would be nice for her to be there for the first ever wedding in the family

Nice for who? Convention? This old-fashioned idea that everyone should be present at family events?

You have to decide if you want her in your life, with her warts and all. If you want her in, then you will also have to accept all that is going to come with it.

The Raptor

mickmackmcgoo wrote: »

If I was you I'd actually contact your mother and officially uninvite her to your wedding if that's her attitude

No I wouldn't do this.

It gives people like this something to talk about. If you don't invite her, it will be you that will look bad.

MissShihTzu

I feel your pain, OP. My Mum threw her toys out of the pram, as not only was I getting married, but also moving away from the UK, where I'm from.

I was initially upset, as this came from nowhere. In the end, I decided to carry on planning without her, and left it up to Mum to decide if she wanted to come or not. Of course, she came and I hope had a great time...

Things deteriorated so badly - from telling people I married because I was desperate, my husband married me for money (!!), to telling downright lies about us, I am no longer in contact with her. All because she did not get her way. I am still married 8 years later...

I'm telling you this OP, as your mother has clearly shown where her priorities lie. And I'm sorry to say, it's not you...

Enjoy your planning, enjoy your day and leave your Mum to stew. I would!

All the best for your day and beyond.

bee06

I remember your last thread which was a good few months ago. The fact that she hasn't apologised for what happened is appalling. She doesn't deserve to be at the wedding. If it was me, I wouldn't even be talking to her.

Ursus Horribilis

Farmerstatia wrote: »

She hasn't spoken to me in two years wouldn't congratulate us on getting engaged two years ago..
Only puts her man first..
My dad is coming and she hates him..
I dunno...

Have you ever sought out counselling to deal with your problems with your mother? I think you would benefit from it, even just to clarify in your own mind what is going on with her.

All of the above are reasons why you shouldn't invite her. You don't appear to have a functioning relationship with her in the first place and you've got to admit that two years of not speaking isn't normal. She didn't even have the manners to congratulate her own daughter on her engagement so why would she be happy to come to her wedding?

It also looks like this galah she's shacked up with is as bad as she is. Maybe that's why they're such a good match. Leave the pair of them to it. I doubt anybody else at the wedding will be sorry if they're not there. Weddings are for surrounding yourself with the people you love and who care about you. Not because of some notional bond that does not always exist.

It's great that your dad is coming. Do you have a better relationship with him? Maybe it'd really make his day if your mother's not there either. If she's as classless as she seems to be, then it'd ruin his day as well. Especially if at some stage her horrible partner shows his face. You don't want your wedding to turn into the Jeremy Kyle show.

Farmerstatia

Still no apology. Still adamant he did nothing wrong...we have an 11 yo boy he is the only grandchild on both sides...mum not bothered by not seeing him oranything ..plus I'm the oldest of 9 and the youngest is only 4 and she won't let me see him.he doesn't know me at all...plus she said out loud she doesn't have a daughter called xx ... I just want our day to come and be magical and it hurts she wants nothing to do with me or my little family all cause of her man and I honestly didn't do anything wrongoes but yet I'm the big bad wolf
...also she told the priest she is not signing any paperwork on allow me to marry in this parish...I'm not from this parish so paperwork to be signed to state I've never been married!!

GingerLily

What has the priest said about needing your mother's signature? Is there any way around it?

You need to talk to someone to work through your issues with your mother, she's made it quite clear she doesn't want you in her life, and your frankly way better off without her.

Your going to ruin your wedding if you keep entertaining the idea that you can slavage your relationship with your mother - its not fair on your H2B for one thing.

MissShihTzu

Ah no - Can't quote your post, OP, but had to respond...

Your mother doesn't have to sign jack! So don't ask her. I was in the same boat, so had to ask my little brother to sign a letter for me. Can you do the same and ask your Dad?

I really wouldn't bother with your Mum any more. Try to keep the lines open in your family with the little ones, but don't put yourself out and don't upset yourself any more. Your priorities are with your immediate family (fiance and son). NO ONE ELSE.

Farmerstatia

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Have you ever sought out counselling to deal with your problems with your mother? I think you would benefit from it, even just to clarify in your own mind what is going on with her.

All of the above are reasons why you shouldn't invite her. You don't appear to have a functioning relationship with her in the first place and you've got to admit that two years of not speaking isn't normal. She didn't even have the manners to congratulate her own daughter on her engagement so why would she be happy to come to her wedding?

It also looks like this galah she's shacked up with is as bad as she is. Maybe that's why they're such a good match. Leave the pair of them to it. I doubt anybody else at the wedding will be sorry if they're not there. Weddings are for surrounding yourself with the people you love and who care about you. Not because of some notional bond that does not always exist.

It's great that your dad is coming. Do you have a better relationship with him? Maybe it'd really make his day if your mother's not there either. If she's as classless as she seems to be, then it'd ruin his day as well. Especially if at some stage her horrible partner shows his face. You don't want your wedding to turn into the Jeremy Kyle show.

There has been a serions amount of bad things that has happened to me throughout my life and I'm only getting my life in the right direction now thasks to my wonderful fiance..
A good few things have been around the latest edition of Man mum would have...not to sound mean or cruel but it's the truth. ...she always chose her man no matter what...
I do have a good relationship with my dad but my mum poisoned our minds against our dad for years so only got back good with my dad the last four years give or take...

Farmerstatia

judeboy101 wrote: »

If your dad is there and is giving you away I'd not worry too much about your mother. Her loss and as a husband whose mil ruined his wedding day due to her interference if she comes she will probably being the fella to the dinner/afters even if he's not invited.

It's a big worry if she does bring him..
My son is giving me away which I thought was more fitting

Ursus Horribilis

Have you ever been to a counsellor over this?

bee06

Farmerstatia wrote: »

Still no apology. Still adamant he did nothing wrong...we have an 11 yo boy he is the only grandchild on both sides...mum not bothered by not seeing him oranything ..plus I'm the oldest of 9 and the youngest is only 4 and she won't let me see him.he doesn't know me at all...plus she said out loud she doesn't have a daughter called xx ... I just want our day to come and be magical and it hurts she wants nothing to do with me or my little family all cause of her man and I honestly didn't do anything wrongoes but yet I'm the big bad wolf
...also she told the priest she is not signing any paperwork on allow me to marry in this parish...I'm not from this parish so paperwork to be signed to state I've never been married!!

You are giving this man too much credit for how your mom is treating you. He is not forcing her to act like this. She is choosing to be cruel to you. I agree with the other posters you have suggested you get some help to get over your issues with your mom. She doesn't deserve all this time and effort you are wasting being angry and hurt by her.

GingerLily

Farmerstatia wrote: »

It's a big worry if she does bring him..
My son is giving me away which I thought was more fitting

She's as guilty as him in this if not more so, neither of them should be there.

Farmerstatia

Never been to a counsellor about any of it through out the years just carried on for my son.
I'm just gonna forget bout myou mum it's not worth it...I have tried I've text I've rang. I've sent fb messages then she blocked me I've sent birthday presents but nothing acknowledged. ...head up now wedding around the corner and our little family and future to look forward too

GingerLily

Farmerstatia wrote: »

Never been to a counsellor about any of it through out the years just carried on for my son.
I'm just gonna forget bout myou mum it's not worth it...I have tried I've text I've rang. I've sent fb messages then she blocked me I've sent birthday presents but nothing acknowledged. ...head up now wedding around the corner and our little family and future to look forward too

Please see a counsellor and follow through on cutting contact with your mother, you need to look after yourself and your family.

Ursus Horribilis

I strongly suggest you pick up the phone on Tuesday morning and contact your GP for a referral to a counsellor. Urgently.

The Raptor

I hate to say it to you but this is not about your mother taking her partners side. She just does not like you. I'm sorry to say it but look up narcissist mothers. You're the scapegoat. It does not matter what you do in life, you will never have her support. She will never ever apologise. The word sorry is not in their vocabulary. It was so easy for her to let you go, normal mothers wouldn't do that and realise when they have hurt you.

I hope you enjoy your day but even if your mother did come at the last minute, she will try and ruin your day. It's always about them. She won't be able to handle that it's your day. Look into getting some counselling, there are also some great facebook groups on narcissist mothers.

Big Bag of Chips

Are you over 18? If so, what is your mother talking about signing anything? She is trying to make your wedding about her, and it seems like you are letting her. I'm not being funny OP, but she doesn't sound right in the head. I assume this will be your one and only wedding day? Why, why, why would you let that woman anywhere need it. She doesn't care about you. Yes, she's your mother and she should, but she doesn't. And no matter how much you wish she did, it's not going to make it happen. All you can do is protect yourself and your family from her.

I'm really sorry. I know you posted here hoping for people to tell you how to have your perfect beautiful day that you worked so hard for and saved so much for, and include your mother in it. That's not going to happen. If you continue to let this woman into your life, then you have to accept that you are allowing her chance after chance and opportunity again and again to upset you.

This is where you make your decision. You either draw a line and don't allow it anymore. Or you continue as you have been and she will continue as she has been.

evolving_doors

Can't help thinking that this has more to do with resentment towards yer dad than you.

Farmerstatia

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Are you over 18? If so, what is your mother talking about signing anything? She is trying to make your wedding about her, and it seems like you are letting her. I'm not being funny OP, but she doesn't sound right in the head. I assume this will be your one and only wedding day? Why, why, why would you let that woman anywhere need it. She doesn't care about you. Yes, she's your mother and she should, but she doesn't. And no matter how much you wish she did, it's not going to make it happen. All you can do is protect yourself and your family from her.

I'm really sorry. I know you posted here hoping for people to tell you how to have your perfect beautiful day that you worked so hard for and saved so much for, and include your mother in it. That's not going to happen. If you continue to let this woman into your life, then you have to accept that you are allowing her chance after chance and opportunity again and again to upset you.

This is where you make your decision. You either draw a line and don't allow it anymore. Or you continue as you have been and she will continue as she has been.

I am over 18 I'm 30!! The priest needs a former signed to say I've never been married think he going to contact my dad instead cause she was rude to the priest. ..
I'm just drawing the line now and carrying on cause I've been huRte and broken so many times I can't and won't allow that to happen anymore..

Thanks to everyone for all there advice I know some of it was harsh but you are stating fact and I think you need strangers to point these facts out to you before you will see them.. xx

happywithlife

Op you need to let go of the ideal mum-daughter relationship you obviously wish you had with you mum. As an estranged daughter I can tell you its the only thing that will bring acceptance and peace. You may have to grieve when letting go of that ideal you hold dear but she doesn't sound like a nice mum. Let it go. Whether you wish her to be there is your decision but my advice is either uninvite her or tell her she's welcome only on the issue of an apology for the lies she's told regarding her bf saying/not saying hurtful things and she must be on best behaviour on the day. Do not engage with her after that. Prepare as if she's not going and do your best to put her out of your mind. Give your love to your finance and your own children

Big Bag of Chips

If you're getting married in a different parish, and you haven't lived there for 6 months, you need a letter of freedom from the priest in your home parish. Your notice of intention to marry sorts out the issue of checking if you were ever married before. I don't know what the priest is looking for, but at 30 years of age he needs nothing from either of your parents. What about people who get married with no living parent? My friend got married at 32 and both her parents were dead.

I think you continue to make excuses as to why you need to have contact with this woman. Just because she's your mother doesn't mean she has to play any role in your life. You're 30. You don't need her. You want her to be a mother and that's a different issue. But you want something that you're never going to have.

Farmerstatia

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

If you're getting married in a different parish, and you haven't lived there for 6 months, you need a letter of freedom from the priest in your home parish. Your notice of intention to marry sorts out the issue of checking if you were ever married before. I don't know what the priest is looking for, but at 30 years of age he needs nothing from either of your parents. What about people who get married with no living parent? My friend got married at 32 and both her parents were dead.

I think you continue to make excuses as to why you need to have contact with this woman. Just because she's your mother doesn't mean she has to play any role in your life. You're 30. You don't need her. You want her to be a mother and that's a different issue. But you want something that you're never going to have.

I got letters of freedom from my old parish but I've lived here for ten years.. I don't know why the priest needs her to signore stuff I told him she wouldn't sign it before he went down..

I'm not making excuses to try be all OK again to be honest I'm glad she is not in my life but I still thought it would be nice that she went to the wedding all the same...

Big Bag of Chips

Farmerstatia wrote: »

I don't know why the priest needs her to signore stuff I told him she wouldn't sign it before he went down.

I'm not trying to be funny, but do you not think it would be worth finding out?! Your mother is unstable. Is doing her best to sabotage your wedding day and you allowed the priest to go to her, to get her to sign something to do with your wedding day, and you don't know what it is, or why she'd be asked to sign it!

As a 30 year old woman, there is nothing your parents have to sign in order for you to get married!

infogiver

The Raptor wrote: »

No I wouldn't do this.

It gives people like this something to talk about. If you don't invite her, it will be you that will look bad.

This is spot on too

athtrasna

Farmerstatia wrote: »

I got letters of freedom from my old parish but I've lived here for ten years.. I don't know why the priest needs her to signore stuff I told him she wouldn't sign it before he went down..

I'm not making excuses to try be all OK again to be honest I'm glad she is not in my life but I still thought it would be nice that she went to the wedding all the same...

Get a legal affidavit. Costs about 20/30 euro but cuts out all the letters of freedom stuff. Well worth it imo

Yellow pack crisps

This is not about your mother coming to your wedding. Deep down you don't want her there. Separating that from emotional guilt is the problem. Just because she gave birth to you does not mean she deserves your love, devotion and loyality! Cut her out for a year, get counciling and see how you feel then.

4976340

I was reading your thread and going to say just invite him for a quiet life. Then you say the rest about your mother and not seeing her for two years. It is your decision to invite but I think you should invite them both, they sound as bad as each other, if you really would like your mother to be there. I have a large family and sometimes you are better not to hear everything that everyone has to say about each other and third hand information can be very wrong.
If you want your mother there then invite them both, it won't be that important on the day regarding who likes who, it will be your day. If you don't want your mother there then don't invite either of them.
If you want to repair your relationship with your mother then that is totally different and a wedding day is not the remedy.
Either way, you will have a great day. Families are strange, you are not alone.

up for anything

[QUOTE=Farmerstatia;102121571
...also she told the priest she is not signing any paperwork on allow me to marry in this parish...I'm not from this parish so paperwork to be signed to state I've never been married!![/QUOTE]

You need to ask the priests of whatever parishes you've ever lived in to give you a letter/letters of freedom. They check the marriage registers for your details and if you haven't been married in their parish they give you a letter to that effect - hence it's a letter of freedom from them to get married in another parish.

Yellow pack crisps

up for anything wrote: »

You need to ask the priests of whatever parishes you've ever lived in to give you a letter/letters of freedom. They check the marriage registers for your details and if you haven't been married in their parish they give you a letter to that effect - hence it's a letter of freedom from them to get married in another parish.

She needs to find a church with less ridiculous methods!

athtrasna

up for anything wrote: »

You need to ask the priests of whatever parishes you've ever lived in to give you a letter/letters of freedom. They check the marriage registers for your details and if you haven't been married in their parish they give you a letter to that effect - hence it's a letter of freedom from them to get married in another parish.

Not required. A legal affidavit will do the same thing. Mine cost 10 euro from our solicitor

amtc

The point is you get it. Nothing to do with your mother.

Weddings bring out strange things in people. My cousin got married a few years ago. My aunt...would also be hers...came from Australia. She was coming anyway but my cousin had sent an invite to our grandmother who couldn't travel. Anyway my aunt replied back to say she'd be honoured to represent the family.

Anyway the day she arrives in Dublin a two page typed letter was put in my parents door saying no as she only wanted special people but you can come along to the afters. Another cousin for whom the girl getting married was her bridesmaid got the same letter. I already had an evening invite and that's all I would have expected. Anyway all three of us went off to the evening do...to find out the groom' s mother had hired an escort!

Anyway to op it's your mother's loss. Just think how stressed you'd be if were there. Is there any way you could have a one on one conversation with her...and then you'll know you've exhausted everything

Sapphire

You are feeling what I call "Perfect Syndrome" - Basically in the planning of a wedding you naturally want it to be a perfect day where all elements fall in seamlessly. We all do. That includes perfectly behaved roles for key family members. But this becomes problematic when there is someone that should be in a key role but who is normally disruptive and does not have your best interests at heart.

You are looking at your mother as the mother of the bride and wanting that role filled for your perfect day but have lost sight of who she really is. Sadly, you cant have a smiling proud mother of the bride there because in your life that person simply does not exist, and trying to force the mother you have into the role you'd like her to have will potentially ruin your wedding.

She is who she is. For whatever reason, she's hell bent on ruining this day for you. Chances are that she has form for this - what was she like at other significant times of your life? I'm guessing she's done this before to you. Take your cues from past behaviour, and don't assume that because it's your wedding she'll be any different, if anything she may very well ramp up her bad behaviour rather than show any restraint you were hoping for.

Take charge. YOU sort paperwork with the priest. YOU find out what documents he needs and who needs to sign them, and YOU give them to him directly. If you feel you need to give her a 'job' for the wedding to keep her from meddling elsewhere, give her one thing you are not pushed about (flowers /cake) when she deliberately messes it up for you its not something that is important for your day. So not the wedding car for example. Check with your reception venue that she hasn't called them and made changes to your reception supposedly on your behalf, and make sure that if she does call them, to notify you. It wont be all that unusual a request for a venue. Put in place other strategies as you need.

Wishing you a lovely, perfect day

Farmerstatia

So you didnt really tell the truth at all in this thread, looking at another one of your posts

Farmerstatia wrote: »

hi all...

getting married in march 2017 exciting times..
I don't know if this the right place to put this but ill ask anyway..
so I have a big big problem with my mum..basically long story short her and my oh fell out due to derogatory remarks made by my mums newest fella about having to get my mum to be a surrogate for myself and the oh ( we are going through fertility treatment at present four yeats ttc) anyway the oh went ape and rang up going mental to my mums boyfriend and all hell broke loose.
she wont come to the wedding,
wont speak to me,
refuses to let me see my brothers and sisters,
my youngest brother is 4 and I haven't seen him in 2 years,

my mum and dad are separated 13 years and she is using this as another excuse to not come.
and today I found out she is actually keeping my brother back a year in school so my son and my brother don't make their conformation together.they are in the same class and school..

any help at all ladies and gents I dunno what to do..she completely blanking me ive tried ringing etc she wont talk and said she doesn have a daughter called statia anymore..
I really would like her to come to the wedding...

So the story isnt really as straightforward as you have made out at all, if someones partner is being asked to be a surrogate I would expect them to have an opinion on it and be heard. That might be taken as offensive by you and your partner but its something that will affect his life too.

Also one minute shes a potential surrogate and the next you arent speaking, you both sound unstable tbh.