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Mother refuses to go to wedding.

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  • 01-01-2017 6:35pm
    #1
    Farmerstatia
    Registered Users Posts: 119 ✭✭


    Hi everyone..
    Basically I'm getting married in 11 weeks and my mum won't come to the wedding due to myself and the htb not inviting her current partner due to him saying horrible things and jibes about us having to go through Ivf. ..
    Am I being unreasonable in not wanting someone like him to come to our wedding? Any advice really appreciated. .


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    #2
    judeboy101
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 3,246 ✭✭✭judeboy101


    Is she aware of comments he made? If yes and has no issue with them then screw her its your day not hers. Is htb dad alive? If so invite him and mil as a couple for the devilment.


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    #3
    uck51js9zml2yt
    Closed Accounts Posts: 18,268 ✭✭✭✭uck51js9zml2yt


    You're being perfectly reasonable. If someone can't say anything good a out you, why would you want them at the most important day of your life.
    Just make sure your mother knows what he said about you and that she's welcome on her own.
    Move on and enjoy your day.


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    #4
    GingerLily
    Registered Users Posts: 4,767 ✭✭✭GingerLily


    Farmerstatia wrote: »
    Hi everyone..
    Basically I'm getting married in 11 weeks and my mum won't come to the wedding due to myself and the htb not inviting her current partner due to him saying horrible things and jibes about us having to go through Ivf. ..
    Am I being unreasonable in not wanting someone like him to come to our wedding? Any advice really appreciated. .

    I think you'll have to either invite him or accept your mother won't go.


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    #5
    Farmerstatia
    Registered Users Posts: 119 ✭✭Farmerstatia


    judeboy101 wrote: »
    Is she aware of comments he made? If yes and has no issue with them then screw her its your day not hers. Is htb dad alive? If so invite him and mil as a couple for the devilment.

    Hi jideboy..
    Yes my mum knows what he said and literally went ape on my butt cause I told my oh what he had said to me and I was very upset it's a very sensitive issue. .any way my oh rang him and went to town on his ass and laid into him for saying sUchida insensitive and upsetting things but my mum turned it around and backed her ass of a fella up and said he said nothing at all but the worst thing is when he said it to me my mum stood there and laughed she thought it was hilarious..so she taking his side saying he never opened his mouth to me and that my oh had no right to ring him and go mental...


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    #6
    Farmerstatia
    Registered Users Posts: 119 ✭✭Farmerstatia


    Sandra Tasty Head wrote: »
    You're being perfectly reasonable. If someone can't say anything good a out you, why would you want them at the most important day of your life.
    Just make sure your mother knows what he said about you and that she's welcome on her own.
    Move on and enjoy your day.

    She was standing here when he said it and she laughed her head off...she is saying that he never opened his mouth and didn't say anything to me at all!!!


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    #7
    whoopsadoodles
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,058 ✭✭✭whoopsadoodles


    Sounds like you'd be better off without her there too tbh.


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    #8
    mickmackmcgoo
    Users Awaiting Email Confirmation Posts: 950 ✭✭✭mickmackmcgoo


    If I was you I'd actually contact your mother and officially uninvite her to your wedding if that's her attitude


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    #9
    Farmerstatia
    Registered Users Posts: 119 ✭✭Farmerstatia


    I would like her there do..
    She hasn't spoke to me in two years wouldn't congratulate us on getting engaged two years ago..
    Only puts her man first..
    My dad is coming and she hates him..
    I dunno...


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    #10
    Loveinapril
    Registered Users Posts: 2,329 ✭✭✭Loveinapril


    Have you posted about this before?

    It is your wedding and if you feel that you have cause not to invite someone, that's up to you. You know what that means regarding your mother's attendance. If she is choosing not to go to your wedding then you should leave it at that. It is unfortunate but it sounds like having the partner there would ruin it for you anyway. You just have to ask yourself is him not being there more important than her being there.


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    #11
    Loveinapril
    Registered Users Posts: 2,329 ✭✭✭Loveinapril


    Farmerstatia wrote: »
    I would like her there do..
    She hasn't spoke to me in two years wouldn't congratulate us on getting engaged two years ago..

    Why on earth would you want her there?


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    #12
    Farmerstatia
    Registered Users Posts: 119 ✭✭Farmerstatia


    Loveinapril wrote: »
    Why on earth would you want her there?

    Cause I'm a softie and even though all his has happened it would be nice for her to be there for the first ever wedding in the family


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    #13
    Loveinapril
    Registered Users Posts: 2,329 ✭✭✭Loveinapril


    Farmerstatia wrote: »
    Cause I'm a softie and even though all his has happened it would be nice for her to be there for the first ever wedding in the family

    Nice for who? She clearly doesn't care enough about it to make the effort. Your wedding day should be about love. She has not shown this to you over the past two years.


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    #14
    GingerLily
    Registered Users Posts: 4,767 ✭✭✭GingerLily


    Farmerstatia wrote: »
    I would like her there do..
    She hasn't spoke to me in two years wouldn't congratulate us on getting engaged two years ago..
    Only puts her man first..
    My dad is coming and she hates him..
    I dunno...

    I remember when my sister started crying watching Father of the Bride because she knew that she could never have that white wedding with our parents both by her side supporting her.

    It's a sad truth to learn but from what you've said you don't have a relationship with your mother so you really need to accept that.

    How much better will it be to have people there who love you both and want to celebrate your relationship on your wedding day?


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    #15
    infogiver
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 2,505 ✭✭✭infogiver


    Farmerstatia wrote: »
    Hi everyone..
    Basically I'm getting married in 11 weeks and my mum won't come to the wedding due to myself and the htb not inviting her current partner due to him saying horrible things and jibes about us having to go through Ivf. ..
    Am I being unreasonable in not wanting someone like him to come to our wedding? Any advice really appreciated. .

    OP your mother doesn't want to go to your wedding right now. It's sad and disappointing but it happens all the time for a myriad of reasons.
    You and your OH are entitled to say that someone who is in effect a complete stranger to you, and has spoken to you insensitively, is not welcome on your big day.
    Your mother should have asked him to apologise to you both and give assurances that he wouldn't insult you again.
    She hasn't.
    She has chosen him over her own flesh and blood.
    My advice is to leave it be now. No further discussions about it beyond making it clear to her that if she decides to show up with him on the day that they both will be removed.
    In the meantime if either of them decide to apologise then you can reconsider,
    Now put it away if you can and try to enjoy the run up to your wedding


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    #16
    judeboy101
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 3,246 ✭✭✭judeboy101


    Farmerstatia wrote: »
    Hi jideboy..
    Yes my mum knows what he said and literally went ape on my butt cause I told my oh what he had said to me and I was very upset it's a very sensitive issue. .any way my oh rang him and went to town on his ass and laid into him for saying sUchida insensitive and upsetting things but my mum turned it around and backed her ass of a fella up and said he said nothing at all but the worst thing is when he said it to me my mum stood there and laughed she thought it was hilarious..so she taking his side saying he never opened his mouth to me and that my oh had no right to ring him and go mental...
    If your dad is there and is giving you away I'd not worry too much about your mother. Her loss and as a husband whose mil ruined his wedding day due to her interference if she comes she will probably being the fella to the dinner/afters even if he's not invited.


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    #17
    Farmerstatia
    Registered Users Posts: 119 ✭✭Farmerstatia


    Loveinapril wrote: »
    Nice for who? She clearly doesn't care enough about it to make the effort. Your wedding day should be about love. She has not shown this to you over the past two years.

    Your are right..it's about me my fiance and our son..not my mum


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    #18
    dudara
    Registered Users Posts: 33,519 ✭✭✭✭dudara


    Farmerstatia wrote: »
    Cause I'm a softie and even though all his has happened it would be nice for her to be there for the first ever wedding in the family

    Nice for who? Convention? This old-fashioned idea that everyone should be present at family events?

    You have to decide if you want her in your life, with her warts and all. If you want her in, then you will also have to accept all that is going to come with it.


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    #19
    The Raptor
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,433 ✭✭✭The Raptor


    mickmackmcgoo wrote: »
    If I was you I'd actually contact your mother and officially uninvite her to your wedding if that's her attitude

    No I wouldn't do this.

    It gives people like this something to talk about. If you don't invite her, it will be you that will look bad.


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    #20
    MissShihTzu
    Registered Users Posts: 1,080 ✭✭✭MissShihTzu


    I feel your pain, OP. My Mum threw her toys out of the pram, as not only was I getting married, but also moving away from the UK, where I'm from.

    I was initially upset, as this came from nowhere. In the end, I decided to carry on planning without her, and left it up to Mum to decide if she wanted to come or not. Of course, she came and I hope had a great time...

    Things deteriorated so badly - from telling people I married because I was desperate, my husband married me for money (!!), to telling downright lies about us, I am no longer in contact with her. All because she did not get her way. I am still married 8 years later...

    I'm telling you this OP, as your mother has clearly shown where her priorities lie. And I'm sorry to say, it's not you...

    Enjoy your planning, enjoy your day and leave your Mum to stew. I would!

    All the best for your day and beyond.


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    #21
    bee06
    Registered Users Posts: 4,514 ✭✭✭bee06


    I remember your last thread which was a good few months ago. The fact that she hasn't apologised for what happened is appalling. She doesn't deserve to be at the wedding. If it was me, I wouldn't even be talking to her.


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    #22
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    Farmerstatia wrote: »
    She hasn't spoken to me in two years wouldn't congratulate us on getting engaged two years ago..
    Only puts her man first..
    My dad is coming and she hates him..
    I dunno...

    Have you ever sought out counselling to deal with your problems with your mother? I think you would benefit from it, even just to clarify in your own mind what is going on with her.

    All of the above are reasons why you shouldn't invite her. You don't appear to have a functioning relationship with her in the first place and you've got to admit that two years of not speaking isn't normal. She didn't even have the manners to congratulate her own daughter on her engagement so why would she be happy to come to her wedding?

    It also looks like this galah she's shacked up with is as bad as she is. Maybe that's why they're such a good match. Leave the pair of them to it. I doubt anybody else at the wedding will be sorry if they're not there. Weddings are for surrounding yourself with the people you love and who care about you. Not because of some notional bond that does not always exist.

    It's great that your dad is coming. Do you have a better relationship with him? Maybe it'd really make his day if your mother's not there either. If she's as classless as she seems to be, then it'd ruin his day as well. Especially if at some stage her horrible partner shows his face. You don't want your wedding to turn into the Jeremy Kyle show.


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    #23
    Farmerstatia
    Registered Users Posts: 119 ✭✭Farmerstatia


    Still no apology. Still adamant he did nothing wrong...we have an 11 yo boy he is the only grandchild on both sides...mum not bothered by not seeing him oranything ..plus I'm the oldest of 9 and the youngest is only 4 and she won't let me see him.he doesn't know me at all...plus she said out loud she doesn't have a daughter called xx ... I just want our day to come and be magical and it hurts she wants nothing to do with me or my little family all cause of her man and I honestly didn't do anything wrongoes but yet I'm the big bad wolf
    ...also she told the priest she is not signing any paperwork on allow me to marry in this parish...I'm not from this parish so paperwork to be signed to state I've never been married!!


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    #24
    GingerLily
    Registered Users Posts: 4,767 ✭✭✭GingerLily


    What has the priest said about needing your mother's signature? Is there any way around it?

    You need to talk to someone to work through your issues with your mother, she's made it quite clear she doesn't want you in her life, and your frankly way better off without her.

    Your going to ruin your wedding if you keep entertaining the idea that you can slavage your relationship with your mother - its not fair on your H2B for one thing.


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    #25
    MissShihTzu
    Registered Users Posts: 1,080 ✭✭✭MissShihTzu


    Ah no - Can't quote your post, OP, but had to respond...

    Your mother doesn't have to sign jack! So don't ask her. I was in the same boat, so had to ask my little brother to sign a letter for me. Can you do the same and ask your Dad?

    I really wouldn't bother with your Mum any more. Try to keep the lines open in your family with the little ones, but don't put yourself out and don't upset yourself any more. Your priorities are with your immediate family (fiance and son). NO ONE ELSE.


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    #26
    Farmerstatia
    Registered Users Posts: 119 ✭✭Farmerstatia


    Ursus Horribilis wrote: »
    Have you ever sought out counselling to deal with your problems with your mother? I think you would benefit from it, even just to clarify in your own mind what is going on with her.

    All of the above are reasons why you shouldn't invite her. You don't appear to have a functioning relationship with her in the first place and you've got to admit that two years of not speaking isn't normal. She didn't even have the manners to congratulate her own daughter on her engagement so why would she be happy to come to her wedding?

    It also looks like this galah she's shacked up with is as bad as she is. Maybe that's why they're such a good match. Leave the pair of them to it. I doubt anybody else at the wedding will be sorry if they're not there. Weddings are for surrounding yourself with the people you love and who care about you. Not because of some notional bond that does not always exist.

    It's great that your dad is coming. Do you have a better relationship with him? Maybe it'd really make his day if your mother's not there either. If she's as classless as she seems to be, then it'd ruin his day as well. Especially if at some stage her horrible partner shows his face. You don't want your wedding to turn into the Jeremy Kyle show.

    There has been a serions amount of bad things that has happened to me throughout my life and I'm only getting my life in the right direction now thasks to my wonderful fiance..
    A good few things have been around the latest edition of Man mum would have...not to sound mean or cruel but it's the truth. ...she always chose her man no matter what...
    I do have a good relationship with my dad but my mum poisoned our minds against our dad for years so only got back good with my dad the last four years give or take...


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    #27
    Farmerstatia
    Registered Users Posts: 119 ✭✭Farmerstatia


    judeboy101 wrote: »
    If your dad is there and is giving you away I'd not worry too much about your mother. Her loss and as a husband whose mil ruined his wedding day due to her interference if she comes she will probably being the fella to the dinner/afters even if he's not invited.

    It's a big worry if she does bring him..
    My son is giving me away which I thought was more fitting


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    #28
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    Have you ever been to a counsellor over this?


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    #29
    bee06
    Registered Users Posts: 4,514 ✭✭✭bee06


    Farmerstatia wrote: »
    Still no apology. Still adamant he did nothing wrong...we have an 11 yo boy he is the only grandchild on both sides...mum not bothered by not seeing him oranything ..plus I'm the oldest of 9 and the youngest is only 4 and she won't let me see him.he doesn't know me at all...plus she said out loud she doesn't have a daughter called xx ... I just want our day to come and be magical and it hurts she wants nothing to do with me or my little family all cause of her man and I honestly didn't do anything wrongoes but yet I'm the big bad wolf
    ...also she told the priest she is not signing any paperwork on allow me to marry in this parish...I'm not from this parish so paperwork to be signed to state I've never been married!!

    You are giving this man too much credit for how your mom is treating you. He is not forcing her to act like this. She is choosing to be cruel to you. I agree with the other posters you have suggested you get some help to get over your issues with your mom. She doesn't deserve all this time and effort you are wasting being angry and hurt by her.


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    #30
    GingerLily
    Registered Users Posts: 4,767 ✭✭✭GingerLily


    Farmerstatia wrote: »
    It's a big worry if she does bring him..
    My son is giving me away which I thought was more fitting

    She's as guilty as him in this if not more so, neither of them should be there.


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    #31
    Farmerstatia
    Registered Users Posts: 119 ✭✭Farmerstatia


    Never been to a counsellor about any of it through out the years just carried on for my son.
    I'm just gonna forget bout myou mum it's not worth it...I have tried I've text I've rang. I've sent fb messages then she blocked me I've sent birthday presents but nothing acknowledged. ...head up now wedding around the corner and our little family and future to look forward too


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