New girlfriend with bad relationship history

Nick Lawson

I've been seeing my girlfriend (age 25) for about two months . She's kind, considerate and has good values.

My niggling doubts are:

She was treated extremely badly in her previous relationships. I've asked why she allowed this but says she doesn't know herself.. I've asked her does she value herself but she's unsure. She's from a "good" background - relatively stable and no significant parental issues.

She's highly emotionally intelligent but she doesn't seem to understand how the world works.

She doesn't have many friends and is possibly looking to her boyfriend for too much.



I haven't met anyone like this before and am unsure whether to continue in the relationship.

Has anyone been in a relationship with someone like this or do you have any insight?

Mark Tapley

<SNIP> no need to quote OP

It's difficult to phrase this in a polite way. You are judging your girlfriend on her past experiences and seem to suggest she brought it on herself. Your discription of her character seems cold and unemotional. She doesn't understand how things work ? How do you think things work?
It sounds like she needs someone to be kind and boost her self esteem. Not someone who will negatively critique her personality.
"Relatively stable and no significant parental issues" bloody hell.

CaraMay

Well in fairness to the op he's trying to figure out why she would allow herself to be repeatedly treated like crap. He's entitled to do that when he is trying to figure out if she is gf material or not. He would be crazy not to consider it.

I'm not sure op. No one wants to take on someone who needs to be fixed. It would be a worry that she hasn't set herself up in a socially comfortable position - whether that's 1 or 50 friends. Sounds like she would put up with anything to have a bf

magneticimpulse

as others have said you speak very cold of your girlfriend. If I was herid be questioning how well you are treating her and how crap as well by the way you've described her on here. You don't seem to value her at all.

Alf Veedersane

There are plenty of perfectly normal people who have been treated badly in the past. It happens. It doesn't mean they need fixing or that there is necessarily something more psychological about it.

You're reading too much into her history. If anything you see as a negative manifests itself in time, then you will need to make a call but until there is anything that concerns you about her in the relationship then surely you should just carry on as normal.

Big Bag of Chips

Some people are arseholes. Seems like your gf is a nice girl, trusting and kind and got taken advantage of by immature arseholes. All she can be guilty of is being too trusting of people. I'd rather be trusting and nice than cynical and hard.

If you don't treat her badly, then I don't see the issue. You don't need to "fix" her. Her personality is what it is, and you seem to like her for it. You're 2 months in. Don't patronize her with psychoanalysis. By trying to work her out and find cause and solution rather than just enjoying your time with her and liking her for the person she is you are actually slightly guilty of treating her badly too. She's not a project. She's your gf. If you like her then appreciate you have her and can treat her well.

CaraMay

Oh come on people there's a list of red flags there. Op it's down to you whether you like her enough to take a chance.

Alf Veedersane

CaraMay wrote: »

Oh come on people there's a list of red flags there. Op it's down to you whether you like her enough to take a chance.

These red flags only exist in the OP because of the context the OP has framed them in. It's speculation.

There are plenty of people who have been mistreated by more than one previous partner who aren't psychologically flawed, for want of a better description.

Time will tell whether or not there is anything for the OP to be concerned about but right now he is just second-guessing

eviltwin

Some people are more likely than others to end up in abusive relationships. This girl has a limited social life and that makes it harder to see the signs that someone may not be right for you. A history of abuse will make you vulnerable and abusive partners exploit that. It's also worth remembering that an abuser rarely starts out that way and by the time they show their true colours, it's usually too late.

The past is the past OP, if you are a nice bloke then she's already broken the pattern. As others have said it's not your job to analysis her past choices or try to fix her. She's able to make that decision for herself. Unfortunately it's also true that she may bring some emotional baggage with her that impacts on you in which case I think you're well within your rights to suggest she gets help for it but until then just enjoy the relationship. Treat her well, encourage her to have a life outside of you, set clear boundaries on that and have fun. Don't make problems if none exist.

Big Bag of Chips

CaraMay wrote: »

Oh come on people there's a list of red flags there. Op it's down to you whether you like her enough to take a chance.

What are the red flags? You mention OP that she has no "social network". Where does she find all these boyfriends then? I agree with the previous poster. Your "findings" are subjective. You say she "doesn't know how things work". I'm nearly 40, and not terribly worldly wise! I would have been a very innocent naive 20 year old. I still am. But I'm fine. I manage very well in the world. People have treated me very very badly in the past. And I let it go on for longer than it should have because I generally like to think well of people. I'm nice, so I believe everyone is nice. Sometimes it takes a while to realise they're not. The fact that these people are absolute arseholes says more about them than me.

If you like her stay with her. If you think she's too weak/meek for you let her go.

SusieBlue

Your post is worrying, considering you are already in a committed relationship with this girl.

She is not responsible for the actions of other people, therefore it is NOT her fault if previous boyfriends took advantage of her good nature.

You seem fixated on the fact that she doesn't know why she was treated badly, the reason is those men were idiots. Why would she be concentrating on the reasons previous relationships didn't work out when she has already moved on with you? I'd actually be more concerned if she was still obsessing over these old boyfriends, but it's actually you that has the issue with them.

She sounds possibly a bit insecure which is why she's coming across as dependant on you. Encourage her to socialise with her friends a bit more if this is a concern for you.

She needs someone who will build her self esteem, make her feel loved and special after how she has been treated. If you, as her boyfriend, can't do that, then let her go so she can grow as a person with someone who actually appreciates her as she is. We all have a past.

I agree with the comment that you sound cold and critical when talking about her. Seems like your just looking for a way out and are blaming her history as an excuse to do so, when it actually has no influence on your relationship at all.

Nick Lawson

I don't mean to come across as cold and judgemental - I was trying to keep my question brief.

I feel terribly guilty for having doubts as she's such a good person. I want her to be "right" for me and don't want to hurt her. The problem could be we're just not suited - I don't know..

I keep having mixed feelings..

It's obviously not just on my terms - she might have huge reservations about me!!

Augme

Don't feel guilty, there's absolutely nothing wrong with having these doubts. I'd be the same. If I was you I'd probably leave but if your not sure then at the very least tread very carefully and slowly.

Alf Veedersane wrote: »

These red flags only exist in the OP because of the context the OP has framed them in. It's speculation.

There are plenty of people who have been mistreated by more than one previous partner who aren't psychologically flawed, for want of a better description.

There not really speculation though. She has had bad boyfriends, didn't know why she stayed with them, she's unsure if she values herself and doesn't have many friends. All of those things are facts and in my eyes red flags. While there are plenty of people who have been mistreated by more than one partner who aren't psychologically flawed there are also plenty of people who are psychologically flawed.

WhiteRoses wrote: »

She needs someone who will build her self esteem, make her feel loved and special after how she has been treated. If you, as her boyfriend, can't do that, then let her go so she can grow as a person with someone who actually appreciates her as she is. We all have a past.

I strongly disagree with all of this. If this girl needs someone else to built her self-esteem and make her feel loved and special then I'd turn and run fairly fast. Relying on other people to prop up your self-esteem is never going to work in the long-term and it puts huge, and unfair pressure, on a partner. She needs to build her own self-esteem, not get someone else to do it.

Nick Lawson

Thank you for your nuanced reply Augme

Augme wrote: »

If I was you I'd probably leave but if your not sure then at the very least tread very carefully and slowly.

Could you tell me why you'd leave

Augme wrote: »

She has had bad boyfriends, didn't know why she stayed with them, she's unsure if she values herself and doesn't have many friends. All of those things are facts and in my eyes red flags.

Could you explain in which way they'd be red flags to you?


I'm shocked by some of the details of her exs' behaviours - that they could treat someone in that way; and that she would allow them to - repeatedly..

daisybelle2008

WhiteRoses wrote: »

She needs someone who will build her self esteem, make her feel loved and special after how she has been treated.

That's not his job! It's her job to figure out herself and value herself.

OP I agree with Augme and CaraMay, I'd see huge reflags!
Sounds like she gets too dependent on boyfriends, has no standards how people treat her. It's hard to respect someone who acts like a doormat. people like this are actually very selfish and needy (not 'too nice' and too 'trusting').

I think your gut is telling you she is not right for you. Listen to it.

CaraMay

Nick Lawson wrote: »

I'm shocked by some of the details of her exs' behaviours - that they could treat someone in that way; and that she would allow them to - repeatedly..

This is why I would leave. I would really not know how to handle someone who repeatedly took abuse like this.

Nick Lawson

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

That's not his job! It's her job to figure out herself and value herself.

OP I agree with Augme and CaraMay, I'd see huge reflags!
Sounds like she gets too dependent on boyfriends, has no standards how people treat her. It's hard to respect someone who acts like a doormat. people like this are actually very selfish and needy (not 'too nice' and too 'trusting').

I think your gut is telling you she is not right for you. Listen to it.

Needy yes but not selfish.

Ending it is indeciciveness on my part...and perhaps cowardice..

CaraMay wrote: »

This is why I would leave. I would really not know how to handle someone who repeatedly took abuse like this.

Could you explain that?

She's assured me she's changed and wouldn't tolerate abuse again

daisybelle2008

Nick Lawson wrote: »

Could you tell me why you'd leave



..

If she has put up with all sorts, I'd be questioning was she with me because she liked and valued me and our relationship.
If she sticks around no matter how sh*tty it gets or horrible the person is, you'd have to question what's the point of having a good relationship with this girl she doesn't care. Someone who doesn't like and value themselves would not appeal to me, I want a person with a healthy self esteem, not a bloody fix up project. And the lack of friends and social circle, that would be a big red flag for me.

SusieBlue

Augme wrote: »

Don't feel guilty, there's absolutely nothing wrong with having these doubts. I'd be the same. If I was you I'd probably leave but if your not sure then at the very least tread very carefully and slowly.




There not really speculation though. She has had bad boyfriends, didn't know why she stayed with them, she's unsure if she values herself and doesn't have many friends. All of those things are facts and in my eyes red flags. While there are plenty of people who have been mistreated by more than one partner who aren't psychologically flawed there are also plenty of people who are psychologically flawed.






I strongly disagree with all of this. If this girl needs someone else to built her self-esteem and make her feel loved and special then I'd turn and run fairly fast. Relying on other people to prop up your self-esteem is never going to work in the long-term and it puts huge, and unfair pressure, on a partner. She needs to build her own self-esteem, not get someone else to do it.

Perhaps needs was the wrong use of word, but the whole point of being in a relationship, in my opinion, is to build each other up and grow together and if OP can't do that then it's time to cut ties and let her meet someone who is willing to do that with her. I don't think this is an unrealistic expectation. I wouldn't say it's an unfair pressure to expect your partner to make you feel loved and special.

Let us be reminded that the girlfriend has not presented any issues on these fronts, it's OP who has concerns about her past relationships.

Augme

Nick Lawson wrote: »

Could you tell me why you'd leave

Given what you said I'd be very surprised if the girl didn't have really low self-esteem. Dating someone with low self-esteem can be a massive mental drain and would very likely have a big knock effect to your own happiness. Given it's the early stage I'd cut my loses and I just wouldn't want to risk going down that road. Once you go down that road it becomes harder and harder to turn back as time goes by.

Nick Lawson wrote: »

Could you explain in which way they'd be red flags to you?

I'm shocked by some of the details of her exs' behaviours - that they could treat someone in that way; and that she would allow them to - repeatedly..

The reason I think they're red flags is because they all point to low self-esteem. I can't think of any other reason she got herself in those situations.

As you say, why would you allow yourself to be treated so badly repeatedly? The only reasons I can think of is because she just really wanted to have boyfriend and hated the idea of being single, again, have to ask why did she hate being single so badly? Some people simply think because they have a partner that it suddenly makes them important, or valued, and they think "Well if this person likes me, I can't be that bad?" and thus ignore how badly they are treated because they think the other option, of being single, is far worse. That's a really worrying attitude to have.

The fact she doesn't know if she values herself is a huge worry, I just can't understand how someone can't value themselves, or isn't even sure. If they don't value themselves then they clearly don't have a lot of self-esteem.

Similarly, I have to wonder why she doesn't have any friends? But more importantly because she doesn't have any friends is she going to expect me to be her sole friend and person she spends time with? That's going to cause a lot of pressure on you.

While it might not be noticeable straight away I just can't imagine how her low self-esteem wouldn't leak into your life and be a huge negative for you. Do you have female friends? Will she be happy with that? Will she be happy with you texting/talking to them? Will she get jealous? If you meet a new female friend how will she react to that? How will she feel when you go on a night out with the lads and she has to stay in on her own for a Saturday night? There just so many ways that it can have an impact.

The problem is the impact is so small that you won't really pay much attention at first but eventually you'll reach a point where the straw will break your back and that's very much what it's like. At first you barely notice these little bits of straw about her behaviour until it's too late.


Now she might not be like that at all, that's why I also mentioned treading carefully and if you decide to do that then keep an eye on behaviour like that and if you see signs of it that's when you need to bail.

CaraMay

Op I can't top what Augme has said. I think they are reading my mind

Calypso Realm

Augme wrote: »

Given what you said I'd be very surprised if the girl didn't have really low self-esteem.

Hang on , low self-esteem isn't a disease nor is it a life-long condition effectively condemning the OP to a life a misery! With help and support and encouragement this can be overcome. Frankly, I'd prefer a partner with this than someone abusive and controlling.

CaraMay

Calypso Realm wrote: »

Hang on , low self-esteem isn't a disease nor is it a life-long condition effectively condemning the OP to a life a misery! With help and support and encouragement this can be overcome. Frankly, I'd prefer a partner with this than someone abusive and controlling.

It's not a disease but it's not a quality I would want in a partner. Everyone is entitled to choose what they want in a relationship. I would only want to be in a relationship with an equal, I don't want to have to fix anyone.

Big Bag of Chips

CaraMay wrote: »

I don't want to have to fix anyone.

But the OP doesn't have to fix her. From what I can tell she hasn't asked him to.

OP, not everybody is built the same. Not everybody is sociable and confident and outgoing. You are being sketchy with the details, which is fair enough.. but the scenarios some posters are building with "what ifs" out of a few non specific lines is a bit crazy.

I think from your post you're just not feeling a spark with this girl. She's "nice" but there's no chemistry and you are trying to come up with some very elaborate explanation as to why it's not going to work out. It's ok if you're just not feeling it. But rather than analyse her and come up with a fault, just admit it. Please don't give her the "it's not me, it's you" line! You have admitted to cowardice in not ending things. You say you want her to be a stronger person? Well 'man up' and end it.

daisybelle2008

Calypso Realm wrote: »

Hang on , low self-esteem isn't a disease nor is it a life-long condition effectively condemning the OP to a life a misery! With help and support and encouragement this can be overcome. Frankly, I'd prefer a partner with this than someone abusive and controlling.

A relationship is the worst place to be trying to overcome low self esteem. People with low self esteem like this girl end up in abusive and controlling relationships and over dependent on the relationship as a 'fix'. There is something off about that girl and someone with high self esteem and high standards would not be attracted to her.

Staying out of relationships until you value yourself is pretty good advise. This girl needs to be single for a while.

LegacyUser

So she allowed herself to be treated badly in the past. Hell, she's only 25! Is that not what dating in your late teens/early 20s is all about, finding out about yourself& about others, how relationships work, etc? Grand if you're one of the lucky ones who meets "The One" immediately, but for 99.9% of us, you've to kiss a few frogs before you meet your prince!

Nick Lawson

Thanks again for the replies.

I generally agree with the low self-esteem conclusion. I've never heard of someone being treated so badly. She did end relationships though but always went back with them.

She has seen me doing basic things in my life - meeting friends occasionally, going to the cafe - and said her life seems boring, she's not jealous though and actively encourages me to do things. A bit confusing..

How do people end up with so little self-worth?

She has no family living here and has been courageous in her life choices, which is at odds with low self-esteem..

I can't 'fix' her but feel sad for her. She's so kind, giving and thoughtful. I'll miss her..

Mark Tapley

Nick Lawson wrote: »

Thanks again for the replies.

I generally agree with the low self-esteem conclusion. I've never heard of someone being treated so badly. She did end relationships though but always went back with them.

She has seen me doing basic things in my life - meeting friends occasionally, going to the cafe - and said her life seems boring, she's not jealous though and actively encourages me to do things. A bit confusing..

How do people end up with so little self-worth?

She has no family living here and has been courageous in her life choices, which is at odds with low self-esteem..

I can't 'fix' her but feel sad for her. She's so kind, giving and thoughtful. I'll miss her..

At least after you have put her life under a microscope and found it not worthy you can find comfort in pity.

batmanrobin

Nick Lawson wrote: »

I can't 'fix' her but feel sad for her. She's so kind, giving and thoughtful. I'll miss her..

You kinda sound like you're talking about the family pet!! It's not coming across great.

Look, you're not feeling it, that's fine. Next time you get involved with someone don't play the role of counsellor as it creates an unhealthy dynamic.

When you do end it, don't tell her it's because of her. No need to add insult to injury. All you need to say is there's no spark. You don't need to tell her you pity her etc.

Augme

Calypso Realm wrote: »

Hang on , low self-esteem isn't a disease nor is it a life-long condition effectively condemning the OP to a life a misery! With help and support and encouragement this can be overcome. Frankly, I'd prefer a partner with this than someone abusive and controlling.

Very true. But for someone to fix it they also need to realise they have low self-esteem and be willing to get help for it, ideally professional help. At the start of a relationship telling your partner that you think she has low self-esteem and should get help for it isn't guaranteed to work. Not too mention that while she gets help it can be very difficult and trying. Not exactly a way to spend the "honey moon" period of a relationship.

sdgcvv wrote: »

So she allowed herself to be treated badly in the past. Hell, she's only 25! Is that not what dating in your late teens/early 20s is all about, finding out about yourself& about others, how relationships work, etc? Grand if you're one of the lucky ones who meets "The One" immediately, but for 99.9% of us, you've to kiss a few frogs before you meet your prince!

I think there is a massive difference between kissing a few frogs and continuously dating different people who treat you like dirt and then even going back to them numerous times while they treat you like dirt.

Lavinia

TBH I think if you walk away do not lie that it is because of her - it is because of you and your selfishness.