New girlfriend with bad relationship history

ChampagnePop

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

Such a good example, especially if she said 'I have no idea why I cheated', but I am not going to do it again, would you take that at face value!?
If some guy tells me that all their exes were abusive b*tches I would judge them and am not going to apologise for that. I'd run a mile. I think because this is a girl people have a double standard and are seeing her as some poor helpless victim instead of someone who has taken no responsibility for the quality of her relationships.

Jesus, this post has to be the definition of victim blaming

Nick Lawson

I'd like to disclose further details but would be concerned about the potential for being identified; Ireland's a small place! It's happened already in a different forum / topic..

I seem to be in a no-win situation on here. With the exception of the constructive replies, there's generally an "attack" theme for some slightly bizarre reason e.g. I was accused of over-analysing so when I started to talk about myself I was accused of projection, being a loser et al..

I don't think the line between dating and a relationship is clearly defined - it's progresses organically.

I'm not and never have been 'judging' her past hence enquiring on here..

Separately, whether the dating/relationship progresses or not, I'm interested in people and like to understand them. I don't like simply writing people off and moving on.And I want to know what to expect from present / future relationships.

Again, I'm questioning what this forum is for. It seems to be populated with some - not all - angry people who just want to have an anonymous pop at posters. I read the forum guidelines and respectful treatment of other posters figured prominently.

batmanrobin

Are you happy with her, Nick? I think that's the core question. Everything else aside, are you happy and do you think you can make things work?

If you can't then you really need to end the relationship. It's not fair to her or to you. What's the point in being with someone when you're questioning them like this? It's 2 months in! It should be fun and light!

CaraMay

ChampagnePop wrote: »

Jesus, this post has to be the definition of victim blaming

How many times do you have to be a victim before it starts to reflect on you? If you go for absolute gurrier after gurrier then whose fault is it? This seems to be what happened here. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.

LegacyUser

Not going to quote any specific post, as I think it would be counter-productive.

However, I have to say that I feel that the OP is being seriously picked on here. Of course his post comes across as saying negative things, because he's posting about a concern that he has. Of course no one is going to get the full nuances of his relationship, unless he posts a full essay. I'd hazard to say that all PI/RI posts are going to contain at least 90% 'negative' info, as the reason they're posted in the first place is something that the person posting them feels negative and/or uncomfortable towards. If anyone wants to talk victims, I find it awful how the OP has been addressed, and patronised over, for saying something that he's concerned about.

Back on topic, I think it is perfectly valid to express concerns about this OP. Your feelings are valid, even if others feel that you should 'get over it' or 'build her up'. If you feel you can 'get over' your feelings, or 'build up' your very very short-term girlfriend, well then off you go. If however you don't feel this is for you, well then end this (barely beginning) relationship before it grows into an actual relationship. If you know or suspect already that you don't feel comfortable with 'getting over yourself' or being the person to 'fix' your girlfriend, then do a favour to both of you by getting out now. To stay would only hurt both of you longer term, if enough time elapsed for this to grow into an actual relationship, rather than a budding one of 2 months in.

I wish you all the best.

silverbolt

Nick Lawson wrote: »

I'm shocked by some of the details of her exs' behaviours - that they could treat someone in that way; and that she would allow them to - repeatedly..

The first thing i'll say is until you have been in abusive relationship dont be so quick to judge. I dont mean that as a sarcastic response or anything. But speaking as someone who has been in a very nasty abusive relationship (and im male) its not always so easy to leave. Its amazing how you get caught up in it. Abusers are very good at exploiting thier victims.

As for why a person would not date someone who had been a victim? Well not everyone is willing to take on the "damaged" and the vulnerable. It can be a helluva lot of work. And very often those who do take on such people find that thier own emotional needs come second place to propping up their partner. And that can get very unhealthy very quickly.

Calypso Realm wrote: »

Hang on , low self-esteem isn't a disease nor is it a life-long condition effectively condemning the OP to a life a misery! With help and support and encouragement this can be overcome. Frankly, I'd prefer a partner with this than someone abusive and controlling.

No. Its not. I agree that we all have baggage as we get older. And while i agree that a partner/good friend can certainly help with rebuilding self esteem eventually the person has to stand on thier own without thier esteem being dependant on someone elses approval.

CaraMay

silverbolt wrote: »

The first thing i'll say is until you have been in abusive relationship dont be so quick to judge. I dont mean that as a sarcastic response or anything. But speaking as someone who has been in a very nasty abusive relationship (and im male) its not always so easy to leave. Its amazing how you get caught up in it. Abusers are very good at exploiting thier victims.

As for why a person would not date someone who had been a victim? Well not everyone is willing to take on the "damaged" and the vulnerable. It can be a helluva lot of work. And very often those who do take on such people find that thier own emotional needs come second place to propping up their partner. And that can get very unhealthy very quickly.



No. Its not. I agree that we all have baggage as we get older. And while i agree that a partner/good friend can certainly help with rebuilding self esteem eventually the person has to stand on thier own without thier esteem being dependant on someone elses approval.

But it's not one relationship - it seems to be all her relationships.

Nick Lawson

Nick Lawson wrote: »

I'm questioning what this forum is for. It seems to be populated with some - not all - angry people who just want to have an anonymous pop at posters. I read the forum guidelines and respectful treatment of other posters figured prominently.

This kind of reaction tends to come up a lot when people write something in an OP which, when teased out, turns out to be not quite the problem and the replies become confused.

Let's look at your girlfriend first:

Nick Lawson wrote: »

My niggling doubts are:

She was treated extremely badly in her previous relationships. I've asked why she allowed this but says she doesn't know herself.. I've asked her does she value herself but she's unsure. She's from a "good" background - relatively stable and no significant parental issues.

She's highly emotionally intelligent but she doesn't seem to understand how the world works.

She doesn't have many friends and is possibly looking to her boyfriend for too much.

She has seen me doing basic things in my life - meeting friends occasionally, going to the cafe - and said her life seems boring, she's not jealous though and actively encourages me to do things.

She has no family living here and has been courageous in her life choices

Leaving aside the fact that you have NO idea what her parental issues may or may not be, the simple fact is that you're dealing with a person who seemingly has low self-esteem and is isolated from their family (so possibly their previous social network?) ... like millions of other people. If this is a problem for you, so be it. End the relationship, simple as that.

Nick Lawson wrote: »

I'm significantly older - maybe that's part of the problem..

Just how much older than her are you? Are we talking old enough to be her father "significantly older"?

Nick Lawson wrote: »

I feel terribly guilty for having doubts as she's such a good person. I want her to be "right" for me and don't want to hurt her. The problem could be we're just not suited - I don't know..

I keep having mixed feelings..

I'm feeling intensely sad and guilty for asking these questions / analysing / deconstructing or whatever term fits.

I'm feeling intensely confused about my own feelings. I know we're all responsible for our own lives but I can't help but feel in some way worried about her future without me.

This is a lot about me - I find it difficult to decisively end a relationship because it's not "right".

I'm afraid of hurting people

This is about me too. In a broader context, in addition to the obvious attraction to someone in a relationship, it can also act as a bit of buffer from the harshness of life.

I've been single for long periods and managed okay but like before, I'm now thinking "here I am again - what next?" and "it's just me and world"..

I know this is no reason to stay in a relationship but it's there. Weakness on my part? Perhaps so..

Nick Lawson wrote: »

I can't 'fix' her but feel sad for her. She's so kind, giving and thoughtful. I'll miss her..

Instead of analysing your girlfriend, maybe you should spend some time on yourself. It genuinely appears as if you started this thread because you have every intention of finishing it with her but, for some reason, you can't ... that's the real problem.

Neyite

Mod:

Can I remind everyone that this is a place for people to get supportive and constructive advice about things that are concerning them.

If you are not capable of offering advice without saying things that could be construed as hurtful on the other end, then we mods would rather you didn't post your brand of 'advice'. It's not welcome here.

If we feel that your posts are crossing the line between advising and berating the OP we will step in and action them.

Can I also remind people to report posts if you feel that they are in breach of charter.

beks101

It's very hard to advise without knowing the true extent of her relationship history. Are we talking emotional abuse, physical abuse, regular violence? Or just a catalogue of dickheads and grown man-children as many men are prone to be in their early 20s?

There's a difference between the two. The latter, anyone who's dated a lot has probably been there. The age difference is pertinent here too. If I told my mother about the absolute assholery I put up with from men I was dating in my 20s, she'd probably have wanted to file charges. Hot and cold bullsh1t, emotional unavailability, liars who said one thing and did another, commitmentphobes, etc. In reality it was just, sadly, dating. If you put yourself out there, you open yourself up to lots of immature plebs masquerading as nice guys.

The former, there's a lot more to consider. Was she cheated on, beaten up, bullied, insulted, emotionally abused by all these men? How long has she been single since before meeting you? If all of these things are true, and she's spent no time on her own, figuring out her head, I'd be worried that relationships are a crutch to her and she doesn't have the life skills to deal with adversity on her own. Does she jump from bad relationship to bad relationship? Has she spent any time reflecting on any of this?

In my own relationship, the "exes" conversation has never featured prominently. If it had, my OH could easily have thought, "jaysus, why all the assholes?" But he's never asked, and I've never asked, because it's just not been of any importance. We took each other at face value, we built trust based off each other's words and actions towards each other and we love each other too much for 'Brian' from a lifetime ago to play any role whatsoever. I think if your feelings were strong enough for your girlfriend, you'd feel sadness and sympathy for what she had been through and a desire to be the best partner ever, as she deserves, rather than using it as a reason to pelt out the door.

Calypso Realm

beks101 wrote: »

I think if your feelings were strong enough for your girlfriend, you'd feel sadness and sympathy for what she had been through and a desire to be the best partner ever, as she deserves, rather than using it as a reason to pelt out the door.

Absolutely. This is exactly what I was going to post now I've revisited this thread. Furthermore, as she's only 25, she's got plenty time and the potential to mature and 'evolve' away from her rather unfortunate, painful past.

tara73

reading your posts OP, I was thinking kind of the same as the two posters above:
why is her past so important to you? why don't you just take her at face value like she is taking you (at least that's how it sounds she does from your descriptions)?

I think this is really about you. I also think you are looking for a way out without admitting you don't really love her so you are looking for 'mistakes' on her part.

I would suggest to break up with her. yes, you will hurt her at first, but what's the alternative in the longterm? stay with her forever out of pity?
there's no alternative here.
be strong and honest and break up with her.