Long distance headwreck

LeeLooLee

Hi everyone,

Just posting to get some advice really because my head is wrecked.

Basically, I'm in a long distance relationship. Very, very long distance, as in a 12+ hour very expensive flight. We met last April when I went to his country on holiday and we hit it off. We sort of started 'dating' while I was there, just meeting up for drinks, dinner, etc. and decided it was worth keeping it going because he was very keen to come over to where I live, so it looked like we could realistically have a future. Once I got back home, we talked about where it was going and the chances of him coming over here, and he was very positive about it. He said that he should be able to make it over by September 2015. So we chatted quite a lot over Skype and we were really excited about him coming over. I went over his CV and cover letter and he started applying for jobs. He needed to sort out paperwork, and as August approached, I asked how it was going and he told me he hadn't heard anything. I was a bit irritated by this as it seemed like he wasn't making much effort. He told me it was difficult to get time off work to go to the office and ask in person what was happening with his paperwork, which is true, but eventually he went and he was told that he wouldn't be able to get it until December. I was crushed by this, and he seemed very upset as well, but I decided, OK, we can wait a bit longer, December isn't that bad. We arranged for him to come and see me for a visit in September.

He came in September for a week and the visit mostly went well, we got on well after some weirdness on the first day, and decided to continue with the relationship. December rolled around and there was no news about his paperwork. He promised that he would enquire, and asked me to go over and visit him. I scrimped and saved, working night and day to get the airfare together, and went over to see him in January. We spent a week travelling around his country together and then the second week he had to work. He has a schedule with very antisocial hours, so I barely saw him. He worked almost every night, and when he did see me, he was tired and moody. I brought up the topic of when he was coming here, and he got frustrated and told me he was doing his best and that it wasn't his fault that there were so many delays. I do understand that bureaucracy there is chaotic (it's a developing country) but I also felt frustrated that the date he was supposed to be coming was getting pushed further and further back. In January, he told me he should get an appointment about his paperwork in March. It's now March and nothing.

He gets upset when I ask and tells me I'm being impatient and demanding and that I don't understand his situation. I think I'm being anything but demanding - the whole relationship started with the promise that he was coming over here, and there's absolutely no sign of that happening anytime soon. I wouldn't mind waiting if I had a definite date, but I don't. I did consider moving over there to his country, but after going again in January, I really don't think I'd be very happy or safe there as a woman. Another issue is that we're not even sure how it would work out - it's not as if we were together for ages and then it became long distance. We've hardly spent any face-to-face time together at all. My greatest fear is waiting two years for us to end up in the same country and then realising that we're not compatible and it's not going to work. A few issues did come up during the time we spent together, and in such a short time, it's impossible to know if it's something or nothing, you know?

Another thing is that it's not as if I'm 20. I'm 31 and while that's not old and I have no plans for marriage/kids yet, I realllly don't like the idea of wasting my early thirties waiting for him to come over and then finding out he can't/won't. I'm starting to feel more and more frustrated that there are lovely guys here asking me out and I can't go out with them because I'm seeing someone thousands of miles away with no plans to come here soon. He isn't as bothered about this because his job takes up almost all his time anyway. This is another issue - we barely even get to Skype anymore. I'm lucky to talk to him properly once a week. He's either always working or wrecked from work and sleeping. I know this is true because I saw it when I was over there, and I really do feel bad for him, but it's hard enough being long distance, without even getting regular video contact. I know times are hard and he needs to keep his job, but it totally takes over his life. We were supposed to be Skyping tonight at 10pm my time, but now he has to finish some work and he can't Skype before 2am. I understand he's busy, but I'm also always wrecked from staying up late to talk to him when it suits him. And while he says that he wants to come here to live and work, he doesn't really seem to be taking much action. It's always, always 'next week I'll ask' and more and more excuses. I do believe that he genuinely wants to come, but he's lacking in the get-up-and-go necessary to sort things out.

It's just a weird situation. I know he genuinely does want to be with me because it cost him a fortune and lots of effort to get over here in September, and he's introduced me to all his family, who embraced me and were lovely, but it seems like he's content for things to go on like this indefinitely. We've been 'together' now for a year and he's talking about coming in July for a visit. I can just imagine it being a year from now and in the same situation, visiting each other twice a year for a week or two. I do really genuinely care for him, but it's getting harder and harder. It seems like the bar is just going lower and lower - it's already at the point where even a Skype conversation is too much for him. I know he's really upset and worries that I will go off with someone else, but I think he's expecting way too much from me! I've given this my all and I'm really not getting much back at this stage!

I've had to condense everything here and it's already too long so I've had to leave out lots of details. If anything doesn't make sense, please ask! Thank you for reading!

QueenOfWexico

Hi OP,
I feel for you, the whole situation sounds quite frustrating.

Based on your account, he seems to shut down a bit every time the topic of moving or the future comes up. Communication is key and if he isn't willing to talk it out properly, I'd take that as warning bells. That said, he could shut down simply due to the fact that he is also frustrated about the paperwork, but he could at least talk to you about it a bit more. Not nice to have someone anxiously waiting.

It's obviously gotten to the point where it's affecting you and the course of your relationship, so I think you're best to have a serious talk with him and try let him know where your head is at. His response should give you a better idea where to go next.

Best of luck, whatever you decide

Roselm

I don't know. It depends on how you feel about him. I certainly couldn't do it. Like you say you're not getting much back. I'd be really worried that the relationship wouldn't get off the ground when he does get over to you eventually. What are your Skype conversations like? Do you feel like the relationship is developing as time goes on?

Keane2baMused

Op what if anything are you getting out of this relationship? You seem extremely frustrated and frankly, rightly so. It doesn't sound like he is pushing himself to get over to be with you and you. Either that or his communication on the matter is terrible.

It may be best for you to break contact with him and if he really wants to be with you he will make it happen.

Senna

I would keep in contact as friends but continue my life over here, if he comes over here, then you can see if it works, but I couldn't continue a relationship based on a few weeks of contact.

LeeLooLee

Roselm wrote: »

I don't know. It depends on how you feel about him. I certainly couldn't do it. Like you say you're not getting much back. I'd be really worried that the relationship wouldn't get off the ground when he does get over to you eventually. What are your Skype conversations like? Do you feel like the relationship is developing as time goes on?

I do really like him and it was touching to see how much effort he made to make me happy when I went over there. Yes, it does feel like the relationship is developing, but he has quite a few issues of his own. I don't want to go into them too much, but he had a tough upbringing and struggles with his self esteem and expressing his feelings. Our Skype conversations used to be really fun - normal everyday stuff as well as flirting etc. but lately he is incredibly stressed. He has a lot of stress going on with work (they are hugely demanding, they expect him to work night and day for not a very good salary) and at home (living with his mother and siblings) and now he is very stressed about our relationship as well.

He keeps telling me that he is under a lot of pressure and blaming me for a lot of this pressure, which I feel is unfair. I honestly don't think many women would even accept this situation. All I really want to know is when he can get over here. It's frustrating because he doesn't keep all his promises and then he gets annoyed when I don't trust him. He promised at the beginning that he would definitely be here by September 2015, and now he's saying 'maybe' September 2016! I'm here in a foreign country myself, very isolated, and I don't think he considers that.

LeeLooLee

Keane2baMused wrote: »

Op what if anything are you getting out of this relationship? You seem extremely frustrated and frankly, rightly so. It doesn't sound like he is pushing himself to get over to be with you and you. Either that or his communication on the matter is terrible.

It may be best for you to break contact with him and if he really wants to be with you he will make it happen.

At the moment, very little. Originally, he was a great ear, we had great chats, and our *ahem* love life was very good when we did see each other. As time has gone on and his work has got more demanding, he's let the work take over his life. He talks as if none of it is his fault, but he doesn't see that he does have choices. When he does work at home, he makes the conscious decision to finish his work before talking to me, even if that means me staying up until 4am. I work from home (freelancer) and I would always try to talk to him if I could, even if meant my work having to wait.

I think he has started to take me for granted already, to be honest. I don't know what's up with him, but he seems to need ultimatums to take any action. When he told me he couldn't come over here to live here in September, I told him that was that and I wasn't going to waste time with someone I hadn't seen in 6 months. He booked a flight to visit me immediately. So he can act when he really wants to. I think at this point in time, telling him I'm not continuing with this until he gets over here might be the only option.

uck51js9zml2yt

Op there is nothing in your posts that's positive.
As you said "why would any woman put up with it"

Do yourself a favour , end it and move on with your life.

LeeLooLee

Isaac Gigantic Jack wrote: »

Op there is nothing in your posts that's positive.
As you said "why would any woman put up with it"

Do yourself a favour , end it and move on with your life.

There are lots of positives. He's a great person and my life as a whole has improved since meeting him, but it doesn't really feel like a relationship now. As much as I don't want to lose him, it's driving me insane. I just want a boyfriend who is actually here.

Keane2baMused

LeeLooLee wrote: »

There are lots of positives. He's a great person and my life as a whole has improved since meeting him, but it doesn't really feel like a relationship now. As much as I don't want to lose him, it's driving me insane. I just want a boyfriend who is actually here.

This guy is saying all of this is adding pressure and stress and he blames you for it.Not to be harsh but that doesn't sound like a recipe for a lasting romance.

zoobizoo

Sounds like a holiday romance that should have ended when you returned home.

Have you considered that he really doesn't want to leave his own country and that is why everything is delayed etc.?

Giving up all that you know to live with a woman in another foreign country where he will have nothing/no connections etc can be a big scary move

What are your own friends saying to you about this?

Having had a friend do something similar, I sat there and listened to the nonsense ("she's going to come over here".... "I know we've only met once but ...." "I love her...") and it ended the way we all imagined it would. She's still where she is and he is still here.

Break it off with him.

It doesn't feel like a relationship because it really isn't one. It's a holiday romance that didn't end when it should have.

jennyhayes123

I think it sounds like a holiday romance that should have finished when you left. It's very easy to have a nice time when you have only spent a few weeks with him. You say you like him, not love. I wouldnt want a man from another country moving over to live with me who I only like.
It sounds like your the only one makin the effort. Keeping you up till 4am to talk. He sounds a little selfish and he knows how to play you and make you feel guilty and feel sorry for him
I would be tough, cut my losses and take some of the guys over here up on there offers and start dating someone you have a potential future with

LeeLooLee

zoobizoo wrote: »

Sounds like a holiday romance that should have ended when you returned home.

Have you considered that he really doesn't want to leave his own country and that is why everything is delayed etc.?

Giving up all that you know to live with a woman in another foreign country where he will have nothing/no connections etc can be a big scary move

What are your own friends saying to you about this?

Having had a friend do something similar, I sat there and listened to the nonsense ("she's going to come over here".... "I know we've only met once but ...." "I love her...") and it ended the way we all imagined it would. She's still where she is and he is still here.

Break it off with him.

It doesn't feel like a relationship because it really isn't one. It's a holiday romance that didn't end when it should have.

I think he does genuinely want to leave his country, and I know he's being genuine about the bureaucracy issues, but to me, the main problem is that he refuses to take time off work for any reason because he's afraid of losing his job. I totally understand that, but it's not really fair on me. He's a perfectionist and with everything in his life, he seems to wait for the 'right' moment, without realising that everyone else just goes ahead and does the best with what they have. I'd have taken that day off work months back and gone it to sort it out.

It did feel like a relationship before, especially when he first came over to see me and it felt as if we'd been together for decades, totally comfortable with each other, etc. but now he's working so much that he doesn't have time for me or anything. He says he's working to save to move over, which makes me feel really guilty, but I need more than a half hour Skype chat once a week.

My friends are encouraging me to give it a go because they can see that we have a real connection but they all have partners they actually see, so it's easy for them to say. I spent last night sitting in on my own. I'm very independent and happy with my own company, so I do go out a lot on my own, even for dinner, but I'm just desperate to actually be able to share moments with someone, hold hands, etc.

LeeLooLee

jennyhayes123 wrote: »

I think it sounds like a holiday romance that should have finished when you left. It's very easy to have a nice time when you have only spent a few weeks with him. You say you like him, not love. I wouldnt want a man from another country moving over to live with me who I only like.
It sounds like your the only one makin the effort. Keeping you up till 4am to talk. He sounds a little selfish and he knows how to play you and make you feel guilty and feel sorry for him
I would be tough, cut my losses and take some of the guys over here up on there offers and start dating someone you have a potential future with

Yes, maybe. Initially, I was seriously considering the possibility of moving over to his country (not just for him but because I really liked it) but then having gone in January and experienced the weather (southern hemisphere summer...unbearably hot) and some other stuff, I've changed my mind. I would do it if we had a solid relationship but right now, we don't, and I'm not prepared to move that far away for something which could quickly go down the pan.

I say like and not love because I just haven't spent enough time with him yet. Yes, I am seeing a selfish streak in him more and more and I haven't seen enough of it yet to know if it would be a dealbreaker in the long run. He's pointed out that I can be very selfish too, which has given me food for thought. I got a bit irritated with him for forgetting his toothbrush when we left his mum's house to go back to mine, but I hadn't considered that he'd just had a horrible conversation with his nasty, abusive estranged father on the phone. Thinking back, he was right, I was being selfish. But that doesn't mean his behaviour (having me stay up all night waiting to talk to him) is OK.

My head is telling me to let him go for now and if he makes it over, then fine, we can reconsider.

Keane2baMused

LeeLooLee wrote: »

I say like and not love because I just haven't spent enough time with him yet. Yes, I am seeing a selfish streak in him more and more and I haven't seen enough of it yet to know if it would be a dealbreaker in the long run. He's pointed out that I can be very selfish too, which has given me food for thought. I got a bit irritated with him for forgetting his toothbrush when we left his mum's house to go back to mine, but I hadn't considered that he'd just had a horrible conversation with his nasty, abusive estranged father on the phone. Thinking back, he was right, I was being selfish. But that doesn't mean his behaviour (having me stay up all night waiting to talk to him) is OK.

My head is telling me to let him go for now and if he makes it over, then fine, we can reconsider.

That's not selfish behaviour OP that was irrational.

There are alarm bells ringing tbh. In the early stages of any relationship it should be fun and laughter and all of that heartbeat skipping stuff. At this stage if you consider each other selfish..and increasingly so..well you have to ask what sort of future there could be?

LeeLooLee

Keane2baMused wrote: »

That's not selfish behaviour OP that was irrational.

There are alarm bells ringing tbh. In the early stages of any relationship it should be fun and laughter and all of that heartbeat skipping stuff. At this stage if you consider each other selfish..and increasingly so..well you have to ask what sort of future there could be?

About the toothbrush? Well, I asked him twice if he had everything and he snapped at me that he wasn't a child, so it was a bit frustrating when he'd then forgotten his toothbrush and had to borrow mine (hate sharing it with anyone, eww!) He then didn't get around to buying a new one for 2 days and was happy to walk around without having brushed his teeth. Hard for me to understand. It would have been my number one priority to go and buy a new one.

CaraMay

I really don't think you should be considering (or pressuring some to) moving across the world for someone you don't love and barely know.

meeeeh

It is a lot harder to jeopardize job and organize things if you don't live in first would country. I don't think he overly wants to move and frankly it would be huge commitment for someone from poorer country. What if things don't work out for him with you and on the job front here. He would be in extremely precarious situation.

I think you should enjoy yourself here and not put your life on hold for something that has almost no chance of working out. And I am talking as someone who did move for a relationship and is very happy ten years on.

LeeLooLee

meeeeh wrote: »

It is a lot harder to jeopardize job and organize things if you don't live in first would country. I don't think he overly wants to move and frankly it would be huge commitment for someone from poorer country. What if things don't work out for him with you and on the job front here. He would be in extremely precarious situation.

I think you should enjoy yourself here and not put your life on hold for something that has almost no chance of working out. And I am talking as someone who did move for a relationship and is very happy ten years on.

Yes, I think he's realising that. Moving would be a risk. It might well work out for the better. He's very experienced in his field and he could potentially get a well-paid job over here, but it is definitely a risk. He's not keen to move unless he has something secure to move to. Which is totally understandable. It just makes things close to impossible, as you said.

Emme

I might get reprimanded or banned for my cynicism but here's my opinion:

Holiday romance
Developing country
Weirdness

Is it possible he wants a green card and has a number of options (women from Western countries he met on holiday) and is trying to find the best/most lucrative one?

If something seems too good to be true, it is. If when abroad you manage to pull somebody who would be out of your league when your are at home then it is too good to be true.

OP forget him and move on with your life here. You are better off alone than with this headwreck.

Calypso Realm

zoobizoo wrote: »

Have you considered that he really doesn't want to leave his own country and that is why everything is delayed etc.?

Giving up all that you know to live with a woman in another foreign country where he will have nothing/no connections etc can be a big scary move

It doesn't feel like a relationship because it really isn't one. It's a holiday romance that didn't end when it should have.

OP these were my thoughts exactly when I read your posts. I think he's ambivalent for these reasons about moving. In addition, while he's clearly attracted to you the current arrangement *appears* to suit him perfectly. You can't blame him since, despite your verbal protests, through your actions, you are being to all intents and purposes, a willing participant. Currently, he has no incentive to change. Since you've mentioned he only appears to act (or more accurately react ) to ultimatums, I think it would take something of a more serious nature to alter the status quo and (hopefully) compel him to step up his game. In other words, he needs to experience what it would like to risk losing you! FOR GOOD, that is. So I would end it now (and mean it) and see if he's willing to take things to a more serious level. IME this is only thing that works in these situations. Fear of loss with men is one of the greatest motivators! I was in a not dissimilar situation some years ago when upon telling a guy I was seeing I intended taking up a job offer abroad (it was a genuine desire, I wasn't playing games) he stepped up his efforts to lock me down by asking me to marry him! He told me later what I'd told him make him fully realise he couldn't bear the thought of life without me, surprising even me (and I believe even him!) at the time! As it happens I wasn't ready for that type of commitment but I clearly got the message, nonetheless.

It's a gamble but as I see it you don't have any other choice, really. Otherwise, you're essentially putting your life on hold for what currently appears to be an indeterminate period of time ( and turning down other dates, opportunities in the process which isn't good) for something which may or may not materialise. How would you feel if he revealed he'd met someone else in the morning? It's is perfectly possible given the nature of your relationship!

ETA OP As per my other post which I've updated, I've just re-read your original post again and realise I misread the dates believing you'd met a year EARLIER, sorry. Nonetheless, my advice still stands as things develop from now on!

LeeLooLee

Emme wrote: »

I might get reprimanded or banned for my cynicism but here's my opinion:

Holiday romance
Developing country
Weirdness

Is it possible he wants a green card and has a number of options (women from Western countries he met on holiday) and is trying to find the best/most lucrative one?

If something seems too good to be true, it is. If when abroad you manage to pull somebody who would be out of your league when your are at home then it is too good to be true.

OP forget him and move on with your life here. You are better off alone than with this headwreck.

I was waiting for someone to ask this, but no, definitely not. His mother is from a European country and he is entitled to an EU passport. When I say 'developing country', it's officially developing, but it's not really a poor country. The standard of living is very high in most places, similar to Ireland. There is a much higher level of crime than Ireland though.

Not sure how you think he's 'out of my league'. He isn't at all. I get plenty of attention here too. We just really hit it off and it had been a very long time since I had such a connection, so I didn't want to miss out on what I saw as something with a lot of potential.

Faith

I'm not trying to be mean, but I think you need to look at things rationally. Agreeing to be in a committed, exclusive relationship with someone you've known for a week, who lives 12 hours from you, is lunacy. I imagine you got swept up in things, especially with the possibility of him moving to your country, but I'm really struggling to understand why you both put so much pressure on yourselves, each other and the relationship. Surely the sensible thing would have been to stay in touch, but not be in an exclusive relationship? You have missed countless romantic opportunities because of a relationship that really doesn't exist.

You are bending over backwards for a guy that probably doesn't even know your middle name. Staying up until 2am because he puts you as his lowest priority? Rejecting men on the basis of a vague promise? What might have happened in your life in the last 12 months, if you weren't dangling on his hook?

If I were you, I'd take a huge step back right now. Take all of that pressure off yourself. Consider this: the next time you talk, you say "Given the uncertainty with when you might be coming over here, and both of our busy schedules, I think it's best if we make this relationship more casual and less pressured. Let's both see other people if we want to, and if we manage to be in the same country again, we can focus on giving things a go properly at that point. Right now, we're both stressed and frustrated and I doubt either of us are enjoying this long distance relationship. So let's stay friends and in touch, but let's take the pressure off."

Honestly, do you even know for sure that he has made the necessary applications for a visa? Have you seen proof of it? For very, very little effort on his part, he has a woman paying loads of attention to him and who's willing to fly to him for sexy time every so often, and a host in a foreign country if he goes there. I suspect he's not feeling a fraction of the same frustration that you are, OP, so keep that in mind too.

As I was told here a long time ago, "never make someone your priority when they make you an option".

Meauldsegosha

OP, two months ago you posted you were happy being single and loved living on your own. Now you are claiming to have been in a "relationship" for nearly a year.

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057544244

So are you single or in a "relationship"?

LeeLooLee

Faith wrote: »

I'm not trying to be mean, but I think you need to look at things rationally. Agreeing to be in a committed, exclusive relationship with someone you've known for a week, who lives 12 hours from you, is lunacy. I imagine you got swept up in things, especially with the possibility of him moving to your country, but I'm really struggling to understand why you both put so much pressure on yourselves, each other and the relationship. Surely the sensible thing would have been to stay in touch, but not be in an exclusive relationship? You have missed countless romantic opportunities because of a relationship that really doesn't exist.

You are bending over backwards for a guy that probably doesn't even know your middle name. Staying up until 2am because he puts you as his lowest priority? Rejecting men on the basis of a vague promise? What might have happened in your life in the last 12 months, if you weren't dangling on his hook?

If I were you, I'd take a huge step back right now. Take all of that pressure off yourself. Consider this: the next time you talk, you say "Given the uncertainty with when you might be coming over here, and both of our busy schedules, I think it's best if we make this relationship more casual and less pressured. Let's both see other people if we want to, and if we manage to be in the same country again, we can focus on giving things a go properly at that point. Right now, we're both stressed and frustrated and I doubt either of us are enjoying this long distance relationship. So let's stay friends and in touch, but let's take the pressure off."

Honestly, do you even know for sure that he has made the necessary applications for a visa? Have you seen proof of it? For very, very little effort on his part, he has a woman paying loads of attention to him and who's willing to fly to him for sexy time every so often, and a host in a foreign country if he goes there. I suspect he's not feeling a fraction of the same frustration that you are, OP, so keep that in mind too.

As I was told here a long time ago, "never make someone your priority when they make you an option".

I totally understand because I would probably give the same advice to someone in my position. It didn't seem as insane at the beginning because he was supposed to be coming over here. So it was like 'well, that's handy, this could actually work out!' If he hadn't had those plans, it would certainly have stayed as a holiday romance. Another thing was that I was working abroad in the Middle East for a few months at the time, so other romantic options weren't really in the picture. I felt I had nothing to lose at the time, as I was pretty confined to the house anyway. I thought it would be a few months of Skype chats and then he'd come to where I am now, but obviously it didn't pan out like that. At the beginning though, it really wasn't as crazy as it seems to you. It looked as it everything might fall into place.

It's not so much that I'm his lowest priority, it's more that all he does is work. I do believe him that he's trying to save for us, because he did it when I went over to him and when he came over to me. But he's so worried about the future that he's not thinking about NOW. He is most definitely very frustrated and very stressed and pressured. I think the best thing for him would be to see a therapist and really think about what he wants from life. If he decides that he wants to come over here, fine, but I don't think I can put my life on hold waiting. Here where I'm living now, there are good options for a social life, including dating, and I don't think it's far of him to expect me to wait any longer for something which might never work out. I don't think I'm being demanding. I've waited 6 months after the date he told me he'd be here and there's no sign of it happening. I was willing to give it a chance, and in my mind I've given it a chance. He hasn't held up his side of the bargain. Whether it's his 'fault' or not. The result for me is the same.

LeeLooLee

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

OP, two months ago you posted you were happy being single and loved living on your own. Now you are claiming to have been in a "relationship" for nearly a year.

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057544244

So are you single or in a "relationship"?

Very inappropriate (not to mention creepy and invasive) to drag things from other threads here, but I generally try not to give too much away about myself on Boards. I'm not posting anonymously because I can't - I live abroad. I generally tell anyone except close friends or my family that I'm single, because I'm living as a single person, alone. I have nobody to rely on or do things with and I spend 90% of my time alone. It's far from being in a traditional relationship and I don't really want to go into explanations about our situation with people I barely know. I haven't dated or done anything with anyone else since I met this guy.

Sound Bite

I'm at a loss to understand how you consider this a relationship given it amounts to a holiday romance followed by two dates, but that's your choice.

Long distance is extremely difficult even for a couple with a history together & solid foundation....you guys have none of this.

The fact that you are investing so much time and effort into someone you barely know is worrying. Maybe you should take a step back to think about it.

LeeLooLee

Sound Bite wrote: »

I'm at a loss to understand how you consider this a relationship given it amounts to a holiday romance followed by two dates, but that's your choice.

Long distance is extremely difficult even for a couple with a history together & solid foundation....you guys have none of this.

The fact that you are investing so much time and effort into someone you barely know is worrying. Maybe you should take a step back to think about it.

Because it's not a holiday romance followed by two dates. We got to know each other platonically through mutual friends, spent a few weeks together, then he came here for 10 days, then I went over there for over a month, including time spent travelling together. Hours and hours of texting and chatting also. I definitely would disagree that we barely know each other. I agree about the long distance thing. Again, it wasn't supposed to be like this. The plan was that he was to come here. I told him at the beginning that I had zero interest in a long-term long distance thing, that I was willing to wait 6 months or so, max. I did have an idea about moving to his country (because I like it and have friends there, not just because of him) but having just visited, I didn't like it nearly as much the second time, so that's that idea gone, really. I feel like I gave it a chance and none of the realistic options have worked out. I don't regret having started it because I'm much happier than I have ever been, and the time and space to myself here has allowed me to work on setting up my business and freelancing, but I'm at the stage now where I really want a proper relationship. I would like it to be with him, but if he can't/won't come here and I've realised that I can't live there, not for the moment anyway, then it looks like I'll have to pursue other options.

Calypso Realm

Faith wrote: »

. If I were you, I'd take a huge step back right now. Take all of that pressure off yourself. Consider this: the next time you talk, you say "Given the uncertainty with when you might be coming over here, and both of our busy schedules, I think it's best if we make this relationship more casual and less pressured. Let's both see other people if we want to, and if we manage to be in the same country again, we can focus on giving things a go properly at that point. Right now, we're both stressed and frustrated and I doubt either of us are enjoying this long distance relationship. So let's stay friends and in touch, but let's take the pressure off."".

Absolutely agree with this as an alternative proposal, provided of course both are happy with redefining it the relationship. My focus in my last post was in response to OP's (understandable) unhappiness at being in a relationship with someone who appears to be reneging on his earlier promises to relocate in order to move things forward. I should say, I have known of (now happily married) couples whose relationships originated in the same way.

LeeLooLee

Calypso Realm wrote: »

Absolutely agree with this as an alternative proposal, provided of course both are happy with redefining it the relationship. My focus in my last post was in response to OP's (understandable) unhappiness at being in a relationship with someone who appears to be reneging on his earlier promises to relocate in order to move things forward. I should say, I have known of (now happily married) couples whose relationships originated in the same way.

Same here. That's what gave me the initial hope. I know couples who are now married who literally met ONCE before starting a long distance relationship. It can work. But in this case, it doesn't seem like it is. The goalposts are being moved.

Calypso Realm

LeeLooLee wrote: »

. I agree about the long distance thing. Again, it wasn't supposed to be like this. The plan was that he was to come here. I told him at the beginning that I had zero interest in a long-term long distance thing, that I was willing to wait 6 months or so, max..

Ah! This is where it all went haywire and the ensuing, protracted nature of your current situation arose, in my opinion. Ideally, you should have stuck to your original timeplan, by issuing a firm decision to end it if things hadn't fallen into place by then! Sometimes you have to do these things and let the chips fall as they may, accepting the situation and moving on, if necessary. Now you've ended up in this unenviable situation where the goalposts keep changing, though I'm not entirely surprised why! From his perspective you reneged on your earlier agreement, giving him good reason to believe you'd be happy to do so again! Obviously, it's up to him to ultimately make the choice.

ETA OP I've just re-read your original post again and realise I misread the dates believing you'd met a year EARLIER, sorry. Nonetheless, my advice still stands as things develop from now on!

Faith

A huge problem is that you have no way to verify if what he's saying is true. You're just trusting that he's telling the truth when he says he's working around the clock and saving. But he could be just telling you these things to keep you on the hook.

You're making so many excuses for him, but the truth is that you're a lot more heavily invested in things than he is. He is entitled to a European passport. They're not hard to get. He could afford to fly over to you once. All he needs is a passport and a flight if he really wants to come over to you. He could have been by your side in September if he really wanted to be. Instead, he has promised you the world and delivered nothing.

It's time to step back and look at this from a purely objective point of view. I think you'll realise what looks pretty clear to those of us reading this thread.

njs030

LeeLooLee wrote: »

Very inappropriate (not to mention creepy and invasive) to drag things from other threads here, but I generally try not to give too much away about myself on Boards. I'm not posting anonymously because I can't - I live abroad. I generally tell anyone except close friends or my family that I'm single, because I'm living as a single person, alone. I have nobody to rely on or do things with and I spend 90% of my time alone. It's far from being in a traditional relationship and I don't really want to go into explanations about our situation with people I barely know. I haven't dated or done anything with anyone else since I met this guy.

It's not creepy at all. You started a thread about being single and being wary of a relationship and then a short time later you start another thread about a year long relationship.

Starting 2 threads with conflicting information means advice can't be correct as we don't know what your circumstances are.

And I'd guess the poster mentioned it because they took time out to help you and it turns out your post wasnt true which is quote annoying.

LeeLooLee

Faith wrote: »

A huge problem is that you have no way to verify if what he's saying is true. You're just trusting that he's telling the truth when he says he's working around the clock and saving. But he could be just telling you these things to keep you on the hook.

You're making so many excuses for him, but the truth is that you're a lot more heavily invested in things than he is. He is entitled to a European passport. They're not hard to get. He could afford to fly over to you once. All he needs is a passport and a flight if he really wants to come over to you. He could have been by your side in September if he really wanted to be. Instead, he has promised you the world and delivered nothing.

It's time to step back and look at this from a purely objective point of view. I think you'll realise what looks pretty clear to those of us reading this thread.

I did some asking around when I was over, and this particular passport is quite a hassle to get. I mean, people get it in the end, but there's a lot of paperwork and back and forth and certs being denied for stupid reasons. Also, his mother has lost an important document he needs, and I confirmed this with her. You are right in that I think he could have got it if he really wanted (i.e. taken a few days off work to go and sort it out).

His main issue is his work. He's not happy about giving up on a place where he's spent 10 years working his way up. He has no university education and if it didn't work out with me and he had to go home, he might well be in a very bad situation. I understand that. His family are relying on him for bills and money. He's not as lucky as me in that I can work anywhere I want to. I warned him that it was unlikely he'd find a job from abroad and that he'd need to come and give it a go, but he doesn't seem to get it.

You are right in that I'm reinforcing this behaviour by accepting it. I think it's ultimatum time. Either he gets over here or that's the end of it.

Meauldsegosha

LeeLooLee wrote: »

Very inappropriate (not to mention creepy and invasive) to drag things from other threads here, but I generally try not to give too much away about myself on Boards. I'm not posting anonymously because I can't - I live abroad. I generally tell anyone except close friends or my family that I'm single, because I'm living as a single person, alone. I have nobody to rely on or do things with and I spend 90% of my time alone. It's far from being in a traditional relationship and I don't really want to go into explanations about our situation with people I barely know. I haven't dated or done anything with anyone else since I met this guy.

It's not creepy, invasive or inappropriate. You're posting conflicting information on a public forum, you will be called out on it. I remembered your other thread because I admired the way you had got yourself together. But that's OK you can call me creepy, I'm a big girl.

With regard to your current situation, it's a holiday romance which has run its course. Let it go and move on.

LeeLooLee

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

It's not creepy, invasive or inappropriate. You're posting conflicting information on a public forum, you will be called out on it. I remembered your other thread because I admired the way you had got yourself together. But that's OK you can call me creepy, I'm a big girl.

With regard to your current situation, it's a holiday romance which has run its course. Let it go and move on.

It was true. It's not as if I made it up. I'm essentially single. And I think tomorrow I will be 100% absolutely definitely truly single. I just needed confirmation really that I wasn't just being selfish and impatient and demanding. I let myself get sucked in and started to believe what he was saying, but now I can see that my gut feeling was correct. This isn't a relationship and he's stringing me along. If he wanted to be here, he would be. Sometimes you need other people to tell you something before you can completely believe it.

Now I need to gear myself up to tell him.

Roselm

LeeLooLee wrote: »

Now I need to gear myself up to tell him.

Be ready for him to promise he'll change and to start booking flights over! Even if he does do/say this I think you'll have to be firm with him and say no or he'll fly over, you'll see him once and then be on your own again for another year until the next ultimatum!

uck51js9zml2yt

Roselm wrote: »

Be ready for him to promise he'll change and to start booking flights over! Even if he does do/say this I think you'll have to be firm with him and say no or he'll fly over, you'll see him once and then be on your own again for another year until the next ultimatum!

I agree with this.
If you're calling it a day OP and I think you should (not to mention, you've decided the same) you need to be firm and not backtrack on your decision should he protest his innocence and say he'll fly over.
He may not fight it and be relieved its over but if not, you need to be resolved in your stance.

beks101

TBH OP, I read the thread and your username rang a bell, and I thought, "didn't I give advice on a thread to the same person about having trust issues and basically finding it hard to be single about a month ago?" I'd imagine Meauldsegosha thought the same.

And taking both of these threads into consideration, I think it builds the picture of someone who is clutching at straws because it seems inherently better than being single for some reason. Maybe it's your age, your relationship history, the pressure to couple up that we seem to face in our mid-30s, the ever-increasing circle of engagements and marriages and babies around us, etc.

The person who said this was a holiday romance and it should have ended a long time ago is spot on IMO. It didn't, fair enough, but you've dragged it on way beyond all these red flags you spoke of in your previous thread - empty promises, not making time for you, saying one thing and doing the other, not treating you with respect even when you've made the effort to travel to his country to be with him, evasiveness, defensiveness etc. You're trying to shoehorn him into a relationship that he's not capable of, and yeah he said all the right things, but what difference does that make when his actions don't back it up and you're confined to the odd Skype chat once in a blue moon?

I think when you're not happy single and desperately looking for a relationship you can have the blinkers on to this kind of behaviour and you can overthink these holiday flings with a definite expiration date and not truly see them for what they are.

A few years ago I travelled to the States for a wedding and had a ONS with a random guy I met out one night. He was incredible - intelligent, thoughtful, witty, romantic, accomplished, handsome, and the chemistry was bang on. He sent me enough romantic messages for a few months to keep me hanging on, but then life took over, I met other guys and realized it was a ticket to nowhere and never contacted the guy again. I projected for those few months because I hated being single and was so fearful of never meeting anyone like him again - when the reality was, there were all these great lads around me with so much to offer - the most important thing being their time and their availability. He couldn't and wouldn't give me those things. Just like this fella won't. It doesn't make him a bad person; he obviously got swept along too. He just didn't recognise the realities of life and continent's apart when he should have - just like you didn't.

It's OK to be single you know. It's OK to be single and in your 30s and female even when everyone else is moving on in their relationships. It's a damn sight better than clinging on to someone against your own better judgement and losing years of your life and other potentially wonderful men.

It took me a while, but I recognized a while ago that the most important thing for me in a relationship is proximity. I need someone I can pick up the phone and call any time of day in my hour of need. I need someone who can drop everything and come and meet me and give me a hug and dry my tears and cheer me up because I've had monstrously bad news. I need someone who will make me their priority. Someone I can wake up to and fall asleep with a few times a week. Someone I can make plans with and build a life with.

It's OK to need those things you know? It's OK to realize that you're not getting them and to walk away from something otherwise great and it's absolutely the right thing to hold out for them. It probably would not have worked out with my OH and I had he lived in another country, because we couldn't have that closeness, that intimate part in each other's lives - that is the oxygen of the relationship.

I don't really know how to advise you, only to say that, I've been there and I know what you're going through. I know what you're looking for and I know why you invested in this guy. But it's time to let go now and focus on your own needs. Accept yourself and your life the way it is now, and give those guys around you a shot. I understand how hard it can be to be single and the panic of the "timeline" and all the crap that goes with that. But it's a hell of a lot harder than the emotional pain of holding out for the wrong person in order to avoid all of that.

LeeLooLee

beks101, it doesn't have to do with being single or clutching at straws. I've been asked out by lots of men here, and if a relationship for the sake of it was all I wanted, I'd have had no problem, but I really liked this guy. I didn't see the point in cutting contact when, at the time, he had a clear plan to come and work over here. I've already had one successful long-distance relationship (obviously it didn't work out in the end, but the distance wasn't a factor) and at that time, I had dozens of naysayers telling me I was crazy and that I should forget about him, but we went on to be together for another 5 years, living together and all. I think that experience made me more willing than most to consider the idea of being long distance for a while. The difference is though that that relationship had an end date. I knew when he would be back and that he would definitely be back. I think that was the single most important factor.

Having spent the whole weekend thinking about this, I suppose I was very distracted by stuff going on in my own life over the last year (bereavements, family issues, work, travel) and maybe subconsciously I didn't want a 'real' relationship because I didn't really have the time. I've accomplished more in the last year (like starting a business and writing my first novel) than any other time in my life because I've been living alone with few distractions. So at the time, the distance suited me and I hugely enjoyed the space, but obviously I thought it would be temporary. Now things have calmed down in other areas of my life, I've had lots of time to think and I've realised that now I need more than this. I seem to suck at relationships because I'm a massive introvert and I get crabby when I spend too long with someone and I find most people too needy, but the distance thing just isn't really working for me anymore. I'm at a place now where I want to have those 'everyday' moments like you described - just going for a quiet drink or watching a film together or walking along the beach. Having sex whenever I want to.

I think this guy just isn't prepared for the reality of moving over here. The longer I've known him, the more I see he's one of those people who is waiting for the stars to align before he does anything. Everything has to be perfect, and he doesn't see that life isn't like that. He laid a huge guilt trip on me about me not understanding his position and how difficult it is to move, but I can see now that I've been more than patient and understanding. I'm someone who just goes ahead and does things, not in a reckless way, but I understand that life is short and things just don't fall into your lap, and I've realised that I need my partner to be similar. I have no interest in sitting around planning every detail for years on end. He's a great person and has been a massive support to me, but at the end of the day, he's not here. And I can't have a real relationship with someone who isn't here and who has no current plans to be here. It looks so simple written down!

Shelga

Hi OP, sorry to hear you're going through this situation, but I think you've gotten some really good advice. I totally get that he's not an asshole and isn't stringing you along for sex; I'm always loathe to jump to assuming the man is a calculating womaniser, I think that's too easy.

However, the obstacles facing you are ENORMOUS. I agree with Faith saying that if he really, REALLY wanted to be with you at the expense of all else, he'd have found a way by now. And that's the key- at the expense of all else. I'm sure he does want to be with you, but at this point, so what?

Imagine if he was here within a month. The expectation has been built up SO much by this point that you would have so much more pressure on you than any normal couple starting out. I'm guessing he'd rely on you, at least initially, for all socialising and entertainment. Imagine if you're having a bad day and are cranky with him- suddenly a situation that would be mildly annoying for another couple becomes a catastrophe. He's probably thinking, I left my job, my country and my family for this woman and here she is being horrible- what the hell have I done. And that would be from day one, and a constant worrying possibility. If it were me, I would just be terrified of being anything less than the perfect girlfriend, because of what he's given up to be with me. And all for someone I've only had face-to-face contact with for a few weeks.

It sounds like you have made up your mind anyway. I know it's rare to meet someone you spark with, but I learned long ago that there is always another one. Best of luck.

daisybelle2008

LeeLooLee wrote: »

It was true. It's not as if I made it up. I'm essentially single. And I think tomorrow I will be 100% absolutely definitely truly single. I just needed confirmation really that I wasn't just being selfish and impatient and demanding. I let myself get sucked in and started to believe what he was saying, but now I can see that my gut feeling was correct. This isn't a relationship and he's stringing me along. If he wanted to be here, he would be. Sometimes you need other people to tell you something before you can completely believe it.

OP, while it is sometimes good to get other peoples opinions on justifying your feelings, it is always better to know yourself and you learn a lot by being single. Per your timelines you are 30 have been with this guy a year. You were with someone from 23-29 and someone else for 5 years before that. You don't seem to have been single for any meaningful length of time in your adult life. I say this because it really is better to know yourself and know what is right for you. Relying on other people to tell you if a relationship you are in is bad for you is going to mean you stay long after the sell by date and blame the other person for not doing things your way or to your timeline.

You are clearly very conflicted, dissatisfied and frustrated in this relationship but you are very defensive about it and also blame his actions . I imagine your last relationship was a bit like this too. It is better to rely on yourself to know something is not right for you and be comfortable with yourself and your decisions. The secret nature of the relationship (you telling people you are single). You say that the distance has suited you, you got stuff done and didn't want the hassle of a 'real' relationship, now you have decided you do, he is supposed to jump to your tune? These are big life changing issues for him, he is entitled to change his mind or have cold feet. You can't just say well..you said a year ago you were coming and I'm holding you to that because I've decided it suits me now and checking with his mother on his paperwork. It might be better to lay off the blame game ('he is stringing me along') and just own your decision to leave because you want something different.

I mean if you are still getting over the last 'horrible' relationship experience are you really ready to jump into another, especially when you don't seem to trust yourself or him.

zoobizoo

LeeLooLee wrote: »

I seem to suck at relationships because I'm a massive introvert and I get crabby when I spend too long with someone and I find most people too needy.............

He laid a huge guilt trip on me about me not understanding his position and how difficult it is to move, !

How does being introvert impact on your relationships?

Why exactly are you getting crabby with them? (are they not meeting your standards? Are they boring you? Are they not doing what you want?)

How do you find people needy? I know needy people but it would be 5% of the people I know. What are your criteria for categorising people as needy?

Emme

LeeLooLee wrote: »

I was waiting for someone to ask this, but no, definitely not. His mother is from a European country and he is entitled to an EU passport. When I say 'developing country', it's officially developing, but it's not really a poor country. The standard of living is very high in most places, similar to Ireland. There is a much higher level of crime than Ireland though.

Not sure how you think he's 'out of my league'. He isn't at all. I get plenty of attention here too. We just really hit it off and it had been a very long time since I had such a connection, so I didn't want to miss out on what I saw as something with a lot of potential.

I didn't mean to offend.

If you get plenty of attention here perhaps you should take up those offers instead of waiting for something that may not materialize. He seems to be dragging his feet.

If he's entitled to an EU passport what's stopping him coming over to you?

Would you be willing to move over to him and would he be happy with that?

LeeLooLee

Shelga wrote: »

Hi OP, sorry to hear you're going through this situation, but I think you've gotten some really good advice. I totally get that he's not an asshole and isn't stringing you along for sex; I'm always loathe to jump to assuming the man is a calculating womaniser, I think that's too easy.

However, the obstacles facing you are ENORMOUS. I agree with Faith saying that if he really, REALLY wanted to be with you at the expense of all else, he'd have found a way by now. And that's the key- at the expense of all else. I'm sure he does want to be with you, but at this point, so what?

Imagine if he was here within a month. The expectation has been built up SO much by this point that you would have so much more pressure on you than any normal couple starting out. I'm guessing he'd rely on you, at least initially, for all socialising and entertainment. Imagine if you're having a bad day and are cranky with him- suddenly a situation that would be mildly annoying for another couple becomes a catastrophe. He's probably thinking, I left my job, my country and my family for this woman and here she is being horrible- what the hell have I done. And that would be from day one, and a constant worrying possibility. If it were me, I would just be terrified of being anything less than the perfect girlfriend, because of what he's given up to be with me. And all for someone I've only had face-to-face contact with for a few weeks.

It sounds like you have made up your mind anyway. I know it's rare to meet someone you spark with, but I learned long ago that there is always another one. Best of luck.

Yes, you're right about all of this. The pressure is enormous. I felt it when I saw him last month and I could see how hard he was working and saving so we could travel together and do things. It was really sweet, but it put enormous pressure on for everything to be 'perfect'. This would only be amplified many times if he were to leave everything to come here. I can see now that he's not as capable of moving and adapting as I initially thought. It worked out with my first long distance relationship because the guy was very proactive. He was willing to take any job to get by while he set himself up because his #1 priority was to be with me. Maybe I naively thought it would be the same with this guy, but it isn't. His excuses as to why he hasn't come yet are valid, but the result is the same - he's not here. And I can see now that I'm not being selfish or demanding to want someone who is actually here.

LeeLooLee

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

OP, while it is sometimes good to get other peoples opinions on justifying your feelings, it is always better to know yourself and you learn a lot by being single. Per your timelines you are 30 have been with this guy a year. You were with someone from 23-29 and someone else for 5 years before that. You don't seem to have been single for any meaningful length of time in your adult life. I say this because it really is better to know yourself and know what is right for you. Relying on other people to tell you if a relationship you are in is bad for you is going to mean you stay long after the sell by date and blame the other person for not doing things your way or to your timeline.

You are clearly very conflicted, dissatisfied and frustrated in this relationship but you are very defensive about it and also blame his actions . I imagine your last relationship was a bit like this too. It is better to rely on yourself to know something is not right for you and be comfortable with yourself and your decisions. The secret nature of the relationship (you telling people you are single). You say that the distance has suited you, you got stuff done and didn't want the hassle of a 'real' relationship, now you have decided you do, he is supposed to jump to your tune? These are big life changing issues for him, he is entitled to change his mind or have cold feet. You can't just say well..you said a year ago you were coming and I'm holding you to that because I've decided it suits me now and checking with his mother on his paperwork. It might be better to lay off the blame game ('he is stringing me along') and just own your decision to leave because you want something different.

I mean if you are still getting over the last 'horrible' relationship experience are you really ready to jump into another, especially when you don't seem to trust yourself or him.

Hmm no, that's not right. I was single until 21, no relationships or boyfriends at all before that. Then I had a boyfriend for 18 months, then the long relationship, which ended when I was 29. I had a year of nothing after that, no hookups, nothing. Then a couple of very casual flings, then I met this guy a couple of years after the last relationship ended. I don't think 2 years is a short time really. In fact, I was going to therapy (for various issues) and the therapist recommended that I didn't shut myself off from relationships and that it was time to get back on the horse, so to speak.

Yes, I know all those things you mentioned. That's why I was willing to wait for him for so long and that's why most of the other posters have said I'm making excuses for him. But I've realised that other posters are right. He's not making any moves whatsoever to come here. When he postponed the first time, I think I gave him the green light (unintentionally) to take his time.

I don't know where you're getting that I changed my tune. I clearly told him that I would only consider a relationship if we could be together physically within 6 months. He agreed to that. Then he kept pushing the date back more and more. As it stands, he hasn't even got an appointment with the embassy to sort out his paperwork, and he won't take any time off work to go in person and hassle them about it. It's now a year later. The earliest he could possibly come now is July, and he's not even considering that either. He's talking about coming for a 'visit' in the summer. I have been understanding, but how long is this going to go on? Years? As I said originally, I could deal with it if I had a fixed date, even if it was ages away, but I haven't got that. At this point, he seems happy for things to go on like this indefinitely. Me saying things like 'oh well it's nice to have the space' is me looking on the bright side of things, obviously! Yes, it is nice and I have made the most of it, but 6 months have passed since the date we agreed, and he hasn't even started with the paperwork...

LeeLooLee

zoobizoo wrote: »

How does being introvert impact on your relationships?

Why exactly are you getting crabby with them? (are they not meeting your standards? Are they boring you? Are they not doing what you want?)

How do you find people needy? I know needy people but it would be 5% of the people I know. What are your criteria for categorising people as needy?

I need lots of space and time to myself. This was an issue in my long-term relationship because he couldn't deal with it. He felt rejected when I didn't pay him attention constantly. He saw all the time I spent writing and on the internet as 'messing around' rather than time I desperately needed to recharge my batteries. I get crabby when I'm around people for too long. It just stresses me out. I'm not anti-social, but if I go to something like a party, I need hours the next day to relax and recharge. My ex never understood this. He'd make plans for us to go and do stuff with other people 2-3 days in a row and my nerves would be frazzled. I find social interaction very draining if I get too much of it. It's a normal introvert thing.

Needy I mean as in looking for constant reassurance. Do you love me, are you sure, I miss you (after an hour apart), that kind of thing. At the beginning, anyway.

LeeLooLee

Emme wrote: »

I didn't mean to offend.

If you get plenty of attention here perhaps you should take up those offers instead of waiting for something that may not materialize. He seems to be dragging his feet.

If he's entitled to an EU passport what's stopping him coming over to you?

Would you be willing to move over to him and would he be happy with that?

He hasn't actually got the EU passport. He needs to submit some paperwork and sort that out with the embassy. His first application was rejected because he was missing a form. His mother has the form somewhere but there seems to be no sign of urgency regarding finding it. This is what I don't get. If it were me, that would be my top priority. I wouldn't stop looking until I found it, and if I couldn't find it, I'd go to the embassy and ask how to get it replaced. I honestly think that in his own head, he's 'doing his best' but I imagine it's obvious to everyone here as well as me that his 'best' is far off what it needs to be if he's to come here. At first I really believed he'd get this sorted and come over, then when December passed and he hadn't even mentioned it, I thought, well there you go. He's not even really trying. That's what's getting to me. I would be at that embassy knocking on their door every day until I had what I needed.

I initially did consider going over there, if he really couldn't come here, but having visited last month, I don't think I could live there. He has always known this and never expected me to go there.

daisybelle2008

LeeLooLee wrote: »

Hmm no, that's not right. I was single until 21, no relationships or boyfriends at all before that. Then I had a boyfriend for 18 months, then the long relationship, which ended when I was 29. I had a year of nothing after that, no hookups, nothing. Then a couple of very casual flings, then I met this guy a couple of years after the last relationship ended. I don't think 2 years is a short time really. In fact, I was going to therapy (for various issues) and the therapist recommended that I didn't shut myself off from relationships and that it was time to get back on the horse, so to speak.

Yes, I know all those things you mentioned. That's why I was willing to wait for him for so long and that's why most of the other posters have said I'm making excuses for him. But I've realised that other posters are right. He's not making any moves whatsoever to come here. When he postponed the first time, I think I gave him the green light (unintentionally) to take his time.

I don't know where you're getting that I changed my tune.

Ok I didn't realise the 'one successful long distance relationship' was the same 'horrible relationship' from your other thread, your descriptions of both threw me. Also you said you were 30 and with this guy a year so I didn't see the years long gap from your last relationship (23-29) but I'll take it I'm adding it up wrong.

In any event, maybe have a think if you are ready for a relationship (especially as complicated as this). You said in your other thread that you are wary of starting a new relationship and maybe that's a good thing. Take the pressure off yourself and the guy and just be single till you get your confidence and self awareness back on track. If you stay in somethings that's not right for you, it does a lot of damage, but you have to take responsibility. It's very empowering to take responsibility and take action, it requires being very clear about what you want and moving on if it's not happening, not being a victim, knowing when to walk and not blaming the other person when you are settling for less than you want.

LeeLooLee

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

Ok I didn't realise the 'one successful long distance relationship' was the same 'horrible relationship' from your other thread, your descriptions of both threw me. Also you said you were 30 and with this guy a year so I didn't see the years long gap from your last relationship (23-29) but I'll take it I'm adding it up wrong.

In any event, maybe have a think if you are ready for a relationship (especially as complicated as this). You said in your other thread that you are wary of starting a new relationship and maybe that's a good thing. Take the pressure off yourself and the guy and just be single till you get your confidence and self awareness back on track. If you stay in somethings that's not right for you, it does a lot of damage, but you have to take responsibility. It's very empowering to take responsibility and take action, it requires being very clear about what you want and moving on if it's not happening, not being a victim, knowing when to walk and not blaming the other person when you are settling for less than you want.

I'm 31. I didn't say the relationship was ultimately successful, I said the long distance part was successful, as were the first few years. The reasons we ultimately broke up had nothing to do with the distance.

I'm definitely not blaming him. That's why I've been making what I now see are excuses for him. I should have insisted on a final end date if he hadn't made it over here instead of letting things drag on. I got distracted, I had a bereavement in the family in December and that's how it sort of passed me by that he hadn't made a move to get his paperwork. It's only really now that I'm thinking about it clearly.

daisybelle2008

LeeLooLee wrote: »

I'm 31. I didn't say the relationship was ultimately successful, I said the long distance part was successful, as were the first few years. The reasons we ultimately broke up had nothing to do with the distance.

I'm definitely not blaming him. That's why I've been making what I now see are excuses for him. I should have insisted on a final end date if he hadn't made it over here instead of letting things drag on. I got distracted, I had a bereavement in the family in December and that's how it sort of passed me by that he hadn't made a move to get his paperwork. It's only really now that I'm thinking about it clearly.

Well that's good that you are thinking clearly now. Don't be afraid to move on and find someone nearer to home if you are now sure of yourself and what you want. Because this clearly is far removed from what you say you want.