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Long distance headwreck

  • 04-03-2016 08:32PM
    #1
    LeeLooLee
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 422 ✭✭


    Hi everyone,

    Just posting to get some advice really because my head is wrecked.

    Basically, I'm in a long distance relationship. Very, very long distance, as in a 12+ hour very expensive flight. We met last April when I went to his country on holiday and we hit it off. We sort of started 'dating' while I was there, just meeting up for drinks, dinner, etc. and decided it was worth keeping it going because he was very keen to come over to where I live, so it looked like we could realistically have a future. Once I got back home, we talked about where it was going and the chances of him coming over here, and he was very positive about it. He said that he should be able to make it over by September 2015. So we chatted quite a lot over Skype and we were really excited about him coming over. I went over his CV and cover letter and he started applying for jobs. He needed to sort out paperwork, and as August approached, I asked how it was going and he told me he hadn't heard anything. I was a bit irritated by this as it seemed like he wasn't making much effort. He told me it was difficult to get time off work to go to the office and ask in person what was happening with his paperwork, which is true, but eventually he went and he was told that he wouldn't be able to get it until December. I was crushed by this, and he seemed very upset as well, but I decided, OK, we can wait a bit longer, December isn't that bad. We arranged for him to come and see me for a visit in September.

    He came in September for a week and the visit mostly went well, we got on well after some weirdness on the first day, and decided to continue with the relationship. December rolled around and there was no news about his paperwork. He promised that he would enquire, and asked me to go over and visit him. I scrimped and saved, working night and day to get the airfare together, and went over to see him in January. We spent a week travelling around his country together and then the second week he had to work. He has a schedule with very antisocial hours, so I barely saw him. He worked almost every night, and when he did see me, he was tired and moody. I brought up the topic of when he was coming here, and he got frustrated and told me he was doing his best and that it wasn't his fault that there were so many delays. I do understand that bureaucracy there is chaotic (it's a developing country) but I also felt frustrated that the date he was supposed to be coming was getting pushed further and further back. In January, he told me he should get an appointment about his paperwork in March. It's now March and nothing.

    He gets upset when I ask and tells me I'm being impatient and demanding and that I don't understand his situation. I think I'm being anything but demanding - the whole relationship started with the promise that he was coming over here, and there's absolutely no sign of that happening anytime soon. I wouldn't mind waiting if I had a definite date, but I don't. I did consider moving over there to his country, but after going again in January, I really don't think I'd be very happy or safe there as a woman. Another issue is that we're not even sure how it would work out - it's not as if we were together for ages and then it became long distance. We've hardly spent any face-to-face time together at all. My greatest fear is waiting two years for us to end up in the same country and then realising that we're not compatible and it's not going to work. A few issues did come up during the time we spent together, and in such a short time, it's impossible to know if it's something or nothing, you know?

    Another thing is that it's not as if I'm 20. I'm 31 and while that's not old and I have no plans for marriage/kids yet, I realllly don't like the idea of wasting my early thirties waiting for him to come over and then finding out he can't/won't. I'm starting to feel more and more frustrated that there are lovely guys here asking me out and I can't go out with them because I'm seeing someone thousands of miles away with no plans to come here soon. He isn't as bothered about this because his job takes up almost all his time anyway. This is another issue - we barely even get to Skype anymore. I'm lucky to talk to him properly once a week. He's either always working or wrecked from work and sleeping. I know this is true because I saw it when I was over there, and I really do feel bad for him, but it's hard enough being long distance, without even getting regular video contact. I know times are hard and he needs to keep his job, but it totally takes over his life. We were supposed to be Skyping tonight at 10pm my time, but now he has to finish some work and he can't Skype before 2am. I understand he's busy, but I'm also always wrecked from staying up late to talk to him when it suits him. And while he says that he wants to come here to live and work, he doesn't really seem to be taking much action. It's always, always 'next week I'll ask' and more and more excuses. I do believe that he genuinely wants to come, but he's lacking in the get-up-and-go necessary to sort things out.

    It's just a weird situation. I know he genuinely does want to be with me because it cost him a fortune and lots of effort to get over here in September, and he's introduced me to all his family, who embraced me and were lovely, but it seems like he's content for things to go on like this indefinitely. We've been 'together' now for a year and he's talking about coming in July for a visit. I can just imagine it being a year from now and in the same situation, visiting each other twice a year for a week or two. I do really genuinely care for him, but it's getting harder and harder. It seems like the bar is just going lower and lower - it's already at the point where even a Skype conversation is too much for him. I know he's really upset and worries that I will go off with someone else, but I think he's expecting way too much from me! I've given this my all and I'm really not getting much back at this stage!

    I've had to condense everything here and it's already too long so I've had to leave out lots of details. If anything doesn't make sense, please ask! Thank you for reading!


«13

Comments

  • #2
    QueenOfWexico
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 178 ✭✭QueenOfWexico


    Hi OP,
    I feel for you, the whole situation sounds quite frustrating.

    Based on your account, he seems to shut down a bit every time the topic of moving or the future comes up. Communication is key and if he isn't willing to talk it out properly, I'd take that as warning bells. That said, he could shut down simply due to the fact that he is also frustrated about the paperwork, but he could at least talk to you about it a bit more. Not nice to have someone anxiously waiting.

    It's obviously gotten to the point where it's affecting you and the course of your relationship, so I think you're best to have a serious talk with him and try let him know where your head is at. His response should give you a better idea where to go next.

    Best of luck, whatever you decide


  • #3
    Roselm
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 753 ✭✭✭Roselm


    I don't know. It depends on how you feel about him. I certainly couldn't do it. Like you say you're not getting much back. I'd be really worried that the relationship wouldn't get off the ground when he does get over to you eventually. What are your Skype conversations like? Do you feel like the relationship is developing as time goes on?


  • #4
    Keane2baMused
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,576 ✭✭✭Keane2baMused


    Op what if anything are you getting out of this relationship? You seem extremely frustrated and frankly, rightly so. It doesn't sound like he is pushing himself to get over to be with you and you. Either that or his communication on the matter is terrible.

    It may be best for you to break contact with him and if he really wants to be with you he will make it happen.


  • #5
    Senna
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,800 ✭✭✭Senna


    I would keep in contact as friends but continue my life over here, if he comes over here, then you can see if it works, but I couldn't continue a relationship based on a few weeks of contact.


  • #6
    LeeLooLee
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 422 ✭✭LeeLooLee


    Roselm wrote: »
    I don't know. It depends on how you feel about him. I certainly couldn't do it. Like you say you're not getting much back. I'd be really worried that the relationship wouldn't get off the ground when he does get over to you eventually. What are your Skype conversations like? Do you feel like the relationship is developing as time goes on?

    I do really like him and it was touching to see how much effort he made to make me happy when I went over there. Yes, it does feel like the relationship is developing, but he has quite a few issues of his own. I don't want to go into them too much, but he had a tough upbringing and struggles with his self esteem and expressing his feelings. Our Skype conversations used to be really fun - normal everyday stuff as well as flirting etc. but lately he is incredibly stressed. He has a lot of stress going on with work (they are hugely demanding, they expect him to work night and day for not a very good salary) and at home (living with his mother and siblings) and now he is very stressed about our relationship as well.

    He keeps telling me that he is under a lot of pressure and blaming me for a lot of this pressure, which I feel is unfair. I honestly don't think many women would even accept this situation. All I really want to know is when he can get over here. It's frustrating because he doesn't keep all his promises and then he gets annoyed when I don't trust him. He promised at the beginning that he would definitely be here by September 2015, and now he's saying 'maybe' September 2016! I'm here in a foreign country myself, very isolated, and I don't think he considers that.


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  • #7
    LeeLooLee
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 422 ✭✭LeeLooLee


    Keane2baMused wrote: »
    Op what if anything are you getting out of this relationship? You seem extremely frustrated and frankly, rightly so. It doesn't sound like he is pushing himself to get over to be with you and you. Either that or his communication on the matter is terrible.

    It may be best for you to break contact with him and if he really wants to be with you he will make it happen.

    At the moment, very little. Originally, he was a great ear, we had great chats, and our *ahem* love life was very good when we did see each other. As time has gone on and his work has got more demanding, he's let the work take over his life. He talks as if none of it is his fault, but he doesn't see that he does have choices. When he does work at home, he makes the conscious decision to finish his work before talking to me, even if that means me staying up until 4am. I work from home (freelancer) and I would always try to talk to him if I could, even if meant my work having to wait.

    I think he has started to take me for granted already, to be honest. I don't know what's up with him, but he seems to need ultimatums to take any action. When he told me he couldn't come over here to live here in September, I told him that was that and I wasn't going to waste time with someone I hadn't seen in 6 months. He booked a flight to visit me immediately. So he can act when he really wants to. I think at this point in time, telling him I'm not continuing with this until he gets over here might be the only option. :(


  • #8
    uck51js9zml2yt
    Closed Accounts Posts: 18,252 ✭✭✭✭uck51js9zml2yt


    Op there is nothing in your posts that's positive.
    As you said "why would any woman put up with it"

    Do yourself a favour , end it and move on with your life.


  • #9
    LeeLooLee
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 422 ✭✭LeeLooLee


    Isaac Gigantic Jack wrote: »
    Op there is nothing in your posts that's positive.
    As you said "why would any woman put up with it"

    Do yourself a favour , end it and move on with your life.

    There are lots of positives. He's a great person and my life as a whole has improved since meeting him, but it doesn't really feel like a relationship now. As much as I don't want to lose him, it's driving me insane. I just want a boyfriend who is actually here.


  • #10
    Keane2baMused
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,576 ✭✭✭Keane2baMused


    LeeLooLee wrote: »
    There are lots of positives. He's a great person and my life as a whole has improved since meeting him, but it doesn't really feel like a relationship now. As much as I don't want to lose him, it's driving me insane. I just want a boyfriend who is actually here.

    This guy is saying all of this is adding pressure and stress and he blames you for it.Not to be harsh but that doesn't sound like a recipe for a lasting romance.


  • #11
    zoobizoo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,813 ✭✭✭zoobizoo


    Sounds like a holiday romance that should have ended when you returned home.

    Have you considered that he really doesn't want to leave his own country and that is why everything is delayed etc.?

    Giving up all that you know to live with a woman in another foreign country where he will have nothing/no connections etc can be a big scary move

    What are your own friends saying to you about this?

    Having had a friend do something similar, I sat there and listened to the nonsense ("she's going to come over here".... "I know we've only met once but ...." "I love her...") and it ended the way we all imagined it would. She's still where she is and he is still here.

    Break it off with him.

    It doesn't feel like a relationship because it really isn't one. It's a holiday romance that didn't end when it should have.


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  • #12
    jennyhayes123
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 471 ✭✭jennyhayes123


    I think it sounds like a holiday romance that should have finished when you left. It's very easy to have a nice time when you have only spent a few weeks with him. You say you like him, not love. I wouldnt want a man from another country moving over to live with me who I only like.
    It sounds like your the only one makin the effort. Keeping you up till 4am to talk. He sounds a little selfish and he knows how to play you and make you feel guilty and feel sorry for him
    I would be tough, cut my losses and take some of the guys over here up on there offers and start dating someone you have a potential future with


  • #13
    LeeLooLee
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 422 ✭✭LeeLooLee


    zoobizoo wrote: »
    Sounds like a holiday romance that should have ended when you returned home.

    Have you considered that he really doesn't want to leave his own country and that is why everything is delayed etc.?

    Giving up all that you know to live with a woman in another foreign country where he will have nothing/no connections etc can be a big scary move

    What are your own friends saying to you about this?

    Having had a friend do something similar, I sat there and listened to the nonsense ("she's going to come over here".... "I know we've only met once but ...." "I love her...") and it ended the way we all imagined it would. She's still where she is and he is still here.

    Break it off with him.

    It doesn't feel like a relationship because it really isn't one. It's a holiday romance that didn't end when it should have.

    I think he does genuinely want to leave his country, and I know he's being genuine about the bureaucracy issues, but to me, the main problem is that he refuses to take time off work for any reason because he's afraid of losing his job. I totally understand that, but it's not really fair on me. He's a perfectionist and with everything in his life, he seems to wait for the 'right' moment, without realising that everyone else just goes ahead and does the best with what they have. I'd have taken that day off work months back and gone it to sort it out.

    It did feel like a relationship before, especially when he first came over to see me and it felt as if we'd been together for decades, totally comfortable with each other, etc. but now he's working so much that he doesn't have time for me or anything. He says he's working to save to move over, which makes me feel really guilty, but I need more than a half hour Skype chat once a week. :(

    My friends are encouraging me to give it a go because they can see that we have a real connection but they all have partners they actually see, so it's easy for them to say. I spent last night sitting in on my own. I'm very independent and happy with my own company, so I do go out a lot on my own, even for dinner, but I'm just desperate to actually be able to share moments with someone, hold hands, etc.


  • #14
    LeeLooLee
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 422 ✭✭LeeLooLee


    jennyhayes123 wrote: »
    I think it sounds like a holiday romance that should have finished when you left. It's very easy to have a nice time when you have only spent a few weeks with him. You say you like him, not love. I wouldnt want a man from another country moving over to live with me who I only like.
    It sounds like your the only one makin the effort. Keeping you up till 4am to talk. He sounds a little selfish and he knows how to play you and make you feel guilty and feel sorry for him
    I would be tough, cut my losses and take some of the guys over here up on there offers and start dating someone you have a potential future with

    Yes, maybe. Initially, I was seriously considering the possibility of moving over to his country (not just for him but because I really liked it) but then having gone in January and experienced the weather (southern hemisphere summer...unbearably hot) and some other stuff, I've changed my mind. I would do it if we had a solid relationship but right now, we don't, and I'm not prepared to move that far away for something which could quickly go down the pan.

    I say like and not love because I just haven't spent enough time with him yet. Yes, I am seeing a selfish streak in him more and more and I haven't seen enough of it yet to know if it would be a dealbreaker in the long run. He's pointed out that I can be very selfish too, which has given me food for thought. I got a bit irritated with him for forgetting his toothbrush when we left his mum's house to go back to mine, but I hadn't considered that he'd just had a horrible conversation with his nasty, abusive estranged father on the phone. Thinking back, he was right, I was being selfish. But that doesn't mean his behaviour (having me stay up all night waiting to talk to him) is OK.

    My head is telling me to let him go for now and if he makes it over, then fine, we can reconsider.


  • #15
    Keane2baMused
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,576 ✭✭✭Keane2baMused


    LeeLooLee wrote: »

    I say like and not love because I just haven't spent enough time with him yet. Yes, I am seeing a selfish streak in him more and more and I haven't seen enough of it yet to know if it would be a dealbreaker in the long run. He's pointed out that I can be very selfish too, which has given me food for thought. I got a bit irritated with him for forgetting his toothbrush when we left his mum's house to go back to mine, but I hadn't considered that he'd just had a horrible conversation with his nasty, abusive estranged father on the phone. Thinking back, he was right, I was being selfish. But that doesn't mean his behaviour (having me stay up all night waiting to talk to him) is OK.

    My head is telling me to let him go for now and if he makes it over, then fine, we can reconsider.

    That's not selfish behaviour OP that was irrational.

    There are alarm bells ringing tbh. In the early stages of any relationship it should be fun and laughter and all of that heartbeat skipping stuff. At this stage if you consider each other selfish..and increasingly so..well you have to ask what sort of future there could be?


  • #16
    LeeLooLee
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 422 ✭✭LeeLooLee


    Keane2baMused wrote: »
    That's not selfish behaviour OP that was irrational.

    There are alarm bells ringing tbh. In the early stages of any relationship it should be fun and laughter and all of that heartbeat skipping stuff. At this stage if you consider each other selfish..and increasingly so..well you have to ask what sort of future there could be?

    About the toothbrush? Well, I asked him twice if he had everything and he snapped at me that he wasn't a child, so it was a bit frustrating when he'd then forgotten his toothbrush and had to borrow mine (hate sharing it with anyone, eww!) He then didn't get around to buying a new one for 2 days and was happy to walk around without having brushed his teeth. Hard for me to understand. It would have been my number one priority to go and buy a new one.


  • #17
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    I really don't think you should be considering (or pressuring some to) moving across the world for someone you don't love and barely know.


  • #18
    meeeeh
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,612 ✭✭✭✭meeeeh


    It is a lot harder to jeopardize job and organize things if you don't live in first would country. I don't think he overly wants to move and frankly it would be huge commitment for someone from poorer country. What if things don't work out for him with you and on the job front here. He would be in extremely precarious situation.

    I think you should enjoy yourself here and not put your life on hold for something that has almost no chance of working out. And I am talking as someone who did move for a relationship and is very happy ten years on.


  • #19
    LeeLooLee
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 422 ✭✭LeeLooLee


    meeeeh wrote: »
    It is a lot harder to jeopardize job and organize things if you don't live in first would country. I don't think he overly wants to move and frankly it would be huge commitment for someone from poorer country. What if things don't work out for him with you and on the job front here. He would be in extremely precarious situation.

    I think you should enjoy yourself here and not put your life on hold for something that has almost no chance of working out. And I am talking as someone who did move for a relationship and is very happy ten years on.

    Yes, I think he's realising that. Moving would be a risk. It might well work out for the better. He's very experienced in his field and he could potentially get a well-paid job over here, but it is definitely a risk. He's not keen to move unless he has something secure to move to. Which is totally understandable. It just makes things close to impossible, as you said.


  • #20
    Emme
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,051 ✭✭✭Emme


    I might get reprimanded or banned for my cynicism but here's my opinion:

    Holiday romance
    Developing country
    Weirdness

    Is it possible he wants a green card and has a number of options (women from Western countries he met on holiday) and is trying to find the best/most lucrative one?

    If something seems too good to be true, it is. If when abroad you manage to pull somebody who would be out of your league when your are at home then it is too good to be true.

    OP forget him and move on with your life here. You are better off alone than with this headwreck.


  • #21
    Calypso Realm
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 416 ✭✭Calypso Realm


    zoobizoo wrote: »
    Have you considered that he really doesn't want to leave his own country and that is why everything is delayed etc.?

    Giving up all that you know to live with a woman in another foreign country where he will have nothing/no connections etc can be a big scary move

    It doesn't feel like a relationship because it really isn't one. It's a holiday romance that didn't end when it should have.

    OP these were my thoughts exactly when I read your posts. I think he's ambivalent for these reasons about moving. In addition, while he's clearly attracted to you the current arrangement *appears* to suit him perfectly. You can't blame him since, despite your verbal protests, through your actions, you are being to all intents and purposes, a willing participant. Currently, he has no incentive to change. Since you've mentioned he only appears to act (or more accurately react ) to ultimatums, I think it would take something of a more serious nature to alter the status quo and (hopefully) compel him to step up his game. In other words, he needs to experience what it would like to risk losing you! FOR GOOD, that is. So I would end it now (and mean it) and see if he's willing to take things to a more serious level. IME this is only thing that works in these situations. Fear of loss with men is one of the greatest motivators! I was in a not dissimilar situation some years ago when upon telling a guy I was seeing I intended taking up a job offer abroad (it was a genuine desire, I wasn't playing games) he stepped up his efforts to lock me down by asking me to marry him! He told me later what I'd told him make him fully realise he couldn't bear the thought of life without me, surprising even me (and I believe even him!) at the time! As it happens I wasn't ready for that type of commitment but I clearly got the message, nonetheless.

    It's a gamble but as I see it you don't have any other choice, really. Otherwise, you're essentially putting your life on hold for what currently appears to be an indeterminate period of time ( and turning down other dates, opportunities in the process which isn't good) for something which may or may not materialise. How would you feel if he revealed he'd met someone else in the morning? It's is perfectly possible given the nature of your relationship!

    ETA OP As per my other post which I've updated, I've just re-read your original post again and realise I misread the dates believing you'd met a year EARLIER, sorry. Nonetheless, my advice still stands as things develop from now on!


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  • #22
    LeeLooLee
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 422 ✭✭LeeLooLee


    Emme wrote: »
    I might get reprimanded or banned for my cynicism but here's my opinion:

    Holiday romance
    Developing country
    Weirdness

    Is it possible he wants a green card and has a number of options (women from Western countries he met on holiday) and is trying to find the best/most lucrative one?

    If something seems too good to be true, it is. If when abroad you manage to pull somebody who would be out of your league when your are at home then it is too good to be true.

    OP forget him and move on with your life here. You are better off alone than with this headwreck.

    I was waiting for someone to ask this, but no, definitely not. His mother is from a European country and he is entitled to an EU passport. When I say 'developing country', it's officially developing, but it's not really a poor country. The standard of living is very high in most places, similar to Ireland. There is a much higher level of crime than Ireland though.

    Not sure how you think he's 'out of my league'. He isn't at all. I get plenty of attention here too. We just really hit it off and it had been a very long time since I had such a connection, so I didn't want to miss out on what I saw as something with a lot of potential.


  • #23
    Faith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 30,661 Mod ✭✭✭✭Faith


    I'm not trying to be mean, but I think you need to look at things rationally. Agreeing to be in a committed, exclusive relationship with someone you've known for a week, who lives 12 hours from you, is lunacy. I imagine you got swept up in things, especially with the possibility of him moving to your country, but I'm really struggling to understand why you both put so much pressure on yourselves, each other and the relationship. Surely the sensible thing would have been to stay in touch, but not be in an exclusive relationship? You have missed countless romantic opportunities because of a relationship that really doesn't exist.

    You are bending over backwards for a guy that probably doesn't even know your middle name. Staying up until 2am because he puts you as his lowest priority? Rejecting men on the basis of a vague promise? What might have happened in your life in the last 12 months, if you weren't dangling on his hook?

    If I were you, I'd take a huge step back right now. Take all of that pressure off yourself. Consider this: the next time you talk, you say "Given the uncertainty with when you might be coming over here, and both of our busy schedules, I think it's best if we make this relationship more casual and less pressured. Let's both see other people if we want to, and if we manage to be in the same country again, we can focus on giving things a go properly at that point. Right now, we're both stressed and frustrated and I doubt either of us are enjoying this long distance relationship. So let's stay friends and in touch, but let's take the pressure off."

    Honestly, do you even know for sure that he has made the necessary applications for a visa? Have you seen proof of it? For very, very little effort on his part, he has a woman paying loads of attention to him and who's willing to fly to him for sexy time every so often, and a host in a foreign country if he goes there. I suspect he's not feeling a fraction of the same frustration that you are, OP, so keep that in mind too.

    As I was told here a long time ago, "never make someone your priority when they make you an option".


  • #24
    Meauldsegosha
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,688 ✭✭✭Meauldsegosha


    OP, two months ago you posted you were happy being single and loved living on your own. Now you are claiming to have been in a "relationship" for nearly a year.

    http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057544244

    So are you single or in a "relationship"?


  • #25
    LeeLooLee
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 422 ✭✭LeeLooLee


    Faith wrote: »
    I'm not trying to be mean, but I think you need to look at things rationally. Agreeing to be in a committed, exclusive relationship with someone you've known for a week, who lives 12 hours from you, is lunacy. I imagine you got swept up in things, especially with the possibility of him moving to your country, but I'm really struggling to understand why you both put so much pressure on yourselves, each other and the relationship. Surely the sensible thing would have been to stay in touch, but not be in an exclusive relationship? You have missed countless romantic opportunities because of a relationship that really doesn't exist.

    You are bending over backwards for a guy that probably doesn't even know your middle name. Staying up until 2am because he puts you as his lowest priority? Rejecting men on the basis of a vague promise? What might have happened in your life in the last 12 months, if you weren't dangling on his hook?

    If I were you, I'd take a huge step back right now. Take all of that pressure off yourself. Consider this: the next time you talk, you say "Given the uncertainty with when you might be coming over here, and both of our busy schedules, I think it's best if we make this relationship more casual and less pressured. Let's both see other people if we want to, and if we manage to be in the same country again, we can focus on giving things a go properly at that point. Right now, we're both stressed and frustrated and I doubt either of us are enjoying this long distance relationship. So let's stay friends and in touch, but let's take the pressure off."

    Honestly, do you even know for sure that he has made the necessary applications for a visa? Have you seen proof of it? For very, very little effort on his part, he has a woman paying loads of attention to him and who's willing to fly to him for sexy time every so often, and a host in a foreign country if he goes there. I suspect he's not feeling a fraction of the same frustration that you are, OP, so keep that in mind too.

    As I was told here a long time ago, "never make someone your priority when they make you an option".

    I totally understand because I would probably give the same advice to someone in my position. It didn't seem as insane at the beginning because he was supposed to be coming over here. So it was like 'well, that's handy, this could actually work out!' If he hadn't had those plans, it would certainly have stayed as a holiday romance. Another thing was that I was working abroad in the Middle East for a few months at the time, so other romantic options weren't really in the picture. I felt I had nothing to lose at the time, as I was pretty confined to the house anyway. I thought it would be a few months of Skype chats and then he'd come to where I am now, but obviously it didn't pan out like that. At the beginning though, it really wasn't as crazy as it seems to you. It looked as it everything might fall into place.

    It's not so much that I'm his lowest priority, it's more that all he does is work. I do believe him that he's trying to save for us, because he did it when I went over to him and when he came over to me. But he's so worried about the future that he's not thinking about NOW. He is most definitely very frustrated and very stressed and pressured. I think the best thing for him would be to see a therapist and really think about what he wants from life. If he decides that he wants to come over here, fine, but I don't think I can put my life on hold waiting. Here where I'm living now, there are good options for a social life, including dating, and I don't think it's far of him to expect me to wait any longer for something which might never work out. I don't think I'm being demanding. I've waited 6 months after the date he told me he'd be here and there's no sign of it happening. I was willing to give it a chance, and in my mind I've given it a chance. He hasn't held up his side of the bargain. Whether it's his 'fault' or not. The result for me is the same. :(


  • #26
    LeeLooLee
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 422 ✭✭LeeLooLee


    Meauldsegosha wrote: »
    OP, two months ago you posted you were happy being single and loved living on your own. Now you are claiming to have been in a "relationship" for nearly a year.

    http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057544244

    So are you single or in a "relationship"?

    Very inappropriate (not to mention creepy and invasive) to drag things from other threads here, but I generally try not to give too much away about myself on Boards. I'm not posting anonymously because I can't - I live abroad. I generally tell anyone except close friends or my family that I'm single, because I'm living as a single person, alone. I have nobody to rely on or do things with and I spend 90% of my time alone. It's far from being in a traditional relationship and I don't really want to go into explanations about our situation with people I barely know. I haven't dated or done anything with anyone else since I met this guy.


  • #27
    Sound Bite
    Closed Accounts Posts: 788 ✭✭✭Sound Bite


    I'm at a loss to understand how you consider this a relationship given it amounts to a holiday romance followed by two dates, but that's your choice.

    Long distance is extremely difficult even for a couple with a history together & solid foundation....you guys have none of this.

    The fact that you are investing so much time and effort into someone you barely know is worrying. Maybe you should take a step back to think about it.


  • #28
    LeeLooLee
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 422 ✭✭LeeLooLee


    Sound Bite wrote: »
    I'm at a loss to understand how you consider this a relationship given it amounts to a holiday romance followed by two dates, but that's your choice.

    Long distance is extremely difficult even for a couple with a history together & solid foundation....you guys have none of this.

    The fact that you are investing so much time and effort into someone you barely know is worrying. Maybe you should take a step back to think about it.

    Because it's not a holiday romance followed by two dates. We got to know each other platonically through mutual friends, spent a few weeks together, then he came here for 10 days, then I went over there for over a month, including time spent travelling together. Hours and hours of texting and chatting also. I definitely would disagree that we barely know each other. I agree about the long distance thing. Again, it wasn't supposed to be like this. The plan was that he was to come here. I told him at the beginning that I had zero interest in a long-term long distance thing, that I was willing to wait 6 months or so, max. I did have an idea about moving to his country (because I like it and have friends there, not just because of him) but having just visited, I didn't like it nearly as much the second time, so that's that idea gone, really. I feel like I gave it a chance and none of the realistic options have worked out. I don't regret having started it because I'm much happier than I have ever been, and the time and space to myself here has allowed me to work on setting up my business and freelancing, but I'm at the stage now where I really want a proper relationship. I would like it to be with him, but if he can't/won't come here and I've realised that I can't live there, not for the moment anyway, then it looks like I'll have to pursue other options.


  • #29
    Calypso Realm
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 416 ✭✭Calypso Realm


    Faith wrote: »
    . If I were you, I'd take a huge step back right now. Take all of that pressure off yourself. Consider this: the next time you talk, you say "Given the uncertainty with when you might be coming over here, and both of our busy schedules, I think it's best if we make this relationship more casual and less pressured. Let's both see other people if we want to, and if we manage to be in the same country again, we can focus on giving things a go properly at that point. Right now, we're both stressed and frustrated and I doubt either of us are enjoying this long distance relationship. So let's stay friends and in touch, but let's take the pressure off."".

    Absolutely agree with this as an alternative proposal, provided of course both are happy with redefining it the relationship. My focus in my last post was in response to OP's (understandable) unhappiness at being in a relationship with someone who appears to be reneging on his earlier promises to relocate in order to move things forward. I should say, I have known of (now happily married) couples whose relationships originated in the same way.


  • #30
    LeeLooLee
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 422 ✭✭LeeLooLee


    Calypso Realm wrote: »
    Absolutely agree with this as an alternative proposal, provided of course both are happy with redefining it the relationship. My focus in my last post was in response to OP's (understandable) unhappiness at being in a relationship with someone who appears to be reneging on his earlier promises to relocate in order to move things forward. I should say, I have known of (now happily married) couples whose relationships originated in the same way.

    Same here. That's what gave me the initial hope. I know couples who are now married who literally met ONCE before starting a long distance relationship. It can work. But in this case, it doesn't seem like it is. The goalposts are being moved.


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  • #31
    Calypso Realm
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 416 ✭✭Calypso Realm


    LeeLooLee wrote: »
    . I agree about the long distance thing. Again, it wasn't supposed to be like this. The plan was that he was to come here. I told him at the beginning that I had zero interest in a long-term long distance thing, that I was willing to wait 6 months or so, max..

    Ah! This is where it all went haywire and the ensuing, protracted nature of your current situation arose, in my opinion. Ideally, you should have stuck to your original timeplan, by issuing a firm decision to end it if things hadn't fallen into place by then! Sometimes you have to do these things and let the chips fall as they may, accepting the situation and moving on, if necessary. Now you've ended up in this unenviable situation where the goalposts keep changing, though I'm not entirely surprised why! From his perspective you reneged on your earlier agreement, giving him good reason to believe you'd be happy to do so again! Obviously, it's up to him to ultimately make the choice.

    ETA OP I've just re-read your original post again and realise I misread the dates believing you'd met a year EARLIER, sorry. Nonetheless, my advice still stands as things develop from now on!


This discussion has been closed.
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