Long distance headwreck

Faith · 05-03-2016 05:51PM

A huge problem is that you have no way to verify if what he's saying is true. You're just trusting that he's telling the truth when he says he's working around the clock and saving. But he could be just telling you these things to keep you on the hook.

You're making so many excuses for him, but the truth is that you're a lot more heavily invested in things than he is. He is entitled to a European passport. They're not hard to get. He could afford to fly over to you once. All he needs is a passport and a flight if he really wants to come over to you. He could have been by your side in September if he really wanted to be. Instead, he has promised you the world and delivered nothing.

It's time to step back and look at this from a purely objective point of view. I think you'll realise what looks pretty clear to those of us reading this thread.

njs030 · 05-03-2016 05:56PM

LeeLooLee wrote: »

Very inappropriate (not to mention creepy and invasive) to drag things from other threads here, but I generally try not to give too much away about myself on Boards. I'm not posting anonymously because I can't - I live abroad. I generally tell anyone except close friends or my family that I'm single, because I'm living as a single person, alone. I have nobody to rely on or do things with and I spend 90% of my time alone. It's far from being in a traditional relationship and I don't really want to go into explanations about our situation with people I barely know. I haven't dated or done anything with anyone else since I met this guy.

It's not creepy at all. You started a thread about being single and being wary of a relationship and then a short time later you start another thread about a year long relationship.

Starting 2 threads with conflicting information means advice can't be correct as we don't know what your circumstances are.

And I'd guess the poster mentioned it because they took time out to help you and it turns out your post wasnt true which is quote annoying.

LeeLooLee · 05-03-2016 06:24PM

Faith wrote: »

A huge problem is that you have no way to verify if what he's saying is true. You're just trusting that he's telling the truth when he says he's working around the clock and saving. But he could be just telling you these things to keep you on the hook.

You're making so many excuses for him, but the truth is that you're a lot more heavily invested in things than he is. He is entitled to a European passport. They're not hard to get. He could afford to fly over to you once. All he needs is a passport and a flight if he really wants to come over to you. He could have been by your side in September if he really wanted to be. Instead, he has promised you the world and delivered nothing.

It's time to step back and look at this from a purely objective point of view. I think you'll realise what looks pretty clear to those of us reading this thread.

I did some asking around when I was over, and this particular passport is quite a hassle to get. I mean, people get it in the end, but there's a lot of paperwork and back and forth and certs being denied for stupid reasons. Also, his mother has lost an important document he needs, and I confirmed this with her. You are right in that I think he could have got it if he really wanted (i.e. taken a few days off work to go and sort it out).

His main issue is his work. He's not happy about giving up on a place where he's spent 10 years working his way up. He has no university education and if it didn't work out with me and he had to go home, he might well be in a very bad situation. I understand that. His family are relying on him for bills and money. He's not as lucky as me in that I can work anywhere I want to. I warned him that it was unlikely he'd find a job from abroad and that he'd need to come and give it a go, but he doesn't seem to get it.

You are right in that I'm reinforcing this behaviour by accepting it. I think it's ultimatum time. Either he gets over here or that's the end of it.

Meauldsegosha · 05-03-2016 06:31PM

LeeLooLee wrote: »

Very inappropriate (not to mention creepy and invasive) to drag things from other threads here, but I generally try not to give too much away about myself on Boards. I'm not posting anonymously because I can't - I live abroad. I generally tell anyone except close friends or my family that I'm single, because I'm living as a single person, alone. I have nobody to rely on or do things with and I spend 90% of my time alone. It's far from being in a traditional relationship and I don't really want to go into explanations about our situation with people I barely know. I haven't dated or done anything with anyone else since I met this guy.

It's not creepy, invasive or inappropriate. You're posting conflicting information on a public forum, you will be called out on it. I remembered your other thread because I admired the way you had got yourself together. But that's OK you can call me creepy, I'm a big girl.

With regard to your current situation, it's a holiday romance which has run its course. Let it go and move on.

LeeLooLee · 05-03-2016 06:52PM

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

It's not creepy, invasive or inappropriate. You're posting conflicting information on a public forum, you will be called out on it. I remembered your other thread because I admired the way you had got yourself together. But that's OK you can call me creepy, I'm a big girl.

With regard to your current situation, it's a holiday romance which has run its course. Let it go and move on.

It was true. It's not as if I made it up. I'm essentially single. And I think tomorrow I will be 100% absolutely definitely truly single. I just needed confirmation really that I wasn't just being selfish and impatient and demanding. I let myself get sucked in and started to believe what he was saying, but now I can see that my gut feeling was correct. This isn't a relationship and he's stringing me along. If he wanted to be here, he would be. Sometimes you need other people to tell you something before you can completely believe it.

Now I need to gear myself up to tell him.

Roselm · 05-03-2016 10:37PM

LeeLooLee wrote: »

Now I need to gear myself up to tell him.

Be ready for him to promise he'll change and to start booking flights over! Even if he does do/say this I think you'll have to be firm with him and say no or he'll fly over, you'll see him once and then be on your own again for another year until the next ultimatum!

uck51js9zml2yt · 06-03-2016 06:15PM

Roselm wrote: »

Be ready for him to promise he'll change and to start booking flights over! Even if he does do/say this I think you'll have to be firm with him and say no or he'll fly over, you'll see him once and then be on your own again for another year until the next ultimatum!

I agree with this.
If you're calling it a day OP and I think you should (not to mention, you've decided the same) you need to be firm and not backtrack on your decision should he protest his innocence and say he'll fly over.
He may not fight it and be relieved its over but if not, you need to be resolved in your stance.

beks101 · 06-03-2016 07:13PM

TBH OP, I read the thread and your username rang a bell, and I thought, "didn't I give advice on a thread to the same person about having trust issues and basically finding it hard to be single about a month ago?" I'd imagine Meauldsegosha thought the same.

And taking both of these threads into consideration, I think it builds the picture of someone who is clutching at straws because it seems inherently better than being single for some reason. Maybe it's your age, your relationship history, the pressure to couple up that we seem to face in our mid-30s, the ever-increasing circle of engagements and marriages and babies around us, etc.

The person who said this was a holiday romance and it should have ended a long time ago is spot on IMO. It didn't, fair enough, but you've dragged it on way beyond all these red flags you spoke of in your previous thread - empty promises, not making time for you, saying one thing and doing the other, not treating you with respect even when you've made the effort to travel to his country to be with him, evasiveness, defensiveness etc. You're trying to shoehorn him into a relationship that he's not capable of, and yeah he said all the right things, but what difference does that make when his actions don't back it up and you're confined to the odd Skype chat once in a blue moon?

I think when you're not happy single and desperately looking for a relationship you can have the blinkers on to this kind of behaviour and you can overthink these holiday flings with a definite expiration date and not truly see them for what they are.

A few years ago I travelled to the States for a wedding and had a ONS with a random guy I met out one night. He was incredible - intelligent, thoughtful, witty, romantic, accomplished, handsome, and the chemistry was bang on. He sent me enough romantic messages for a few months to keep me hanging on, but then life took over, I met other guys and realized it was a ticket to nowhere and never contacted the guy again. I projected for those few months because I hated being single and was so fearful of never meeting anyone like him again - when the reality was, there were all these great lads around me with so much to offer - the most important thing being their time and their availability. He couldn't and wouldn't give me those things. Just like this fella won't. It doesn't make him a bad person; he obviously got swept along too. He just didn't recognise the realities of life and continent's apart when he should have - just like you didn't.

It's OK to be single you know. It's OK to be single and in your 30s and female even when everyone else is moving on in their relationships. It's a damn sight better than clinging on to someone against your own better judgement and losing years of your life and other potentially wonderful men.

It took me a while, but I recognized a while ago that the most important thing for me in a relationship is proximity. I need someone I can pick up the phone and call any time of day in my hour of need. I need someone who can drop everything and come and meet me and give me a hug and dry my tears and cheer me up because I've had monstrously bad news. I need someone who will make me their priority. Someone I can wake up to and fall asleep with a few times a week. Someone I can make plans with and build a life with.

It's OK to need those things you know? It's OK to realize that you're not getting them and to walk away from something otherwise great and it's absolutely the right thing to hold out for them. It probably would not have worked out with my OH and I had he lived in another country, because we couldn't have that closeness, that intimate part in each other's lives - that is the oxygen of the relationship.

I don't really know how to advise you, only to say that, I've been there and I know what you're going through. I know what you're looking for and I know why you invested in this guy. But it's time to let go now and focus on your own needs. Accept yourself and your life the way it is now, and give those guys around you a shot. I understand how hard it can be to be single and the panic of the "timeline" and all the crap that goes with that. But it's a hell of a lot harder than the emotional pain of holding out for the wrong person in order to avoid all of that.

LeeLooLee · 06-03-2016 09:54PM

beks101, it doesn't have to do with being single or clutching at straws. I've been asked out by lots of men here, and if a relationship for the sake of it was all I wanted, I'd have had no problem, but I really liked this guy. I didn't see the point in cutting contact when, at the time, he had a clear plan to come and work over here. I've already had one successful long-distance relationship (obviously it didn't work out in the end, but the distance wasn't a factor) and at that time, I had dozens of naysayers telling me I was crazy and that I should forget about him, but we went on to be together for another 5 years, living together and all. I think that experience made me more willing than most to consider the idea of being long distance for a while. The difference is though that that relationship had an end date. I knew when he would be back and that he would definitely be back. I think that was the single most important factor.

Having spent the whole weekend thinking about this, I suppose I was very distracted by stuff going on in my own life over the last year (bereavements, family issues, work, travel) and maybe subconsciously I didn't want a 'real' relationship because I didn't really have the time. I've accomplished more in the last year (like starting a business and writing my first novel) than any other time in my life because I've been living alone with few distractions. So at the time, the distance suited me and I hugely enjoyed the space, but obviously I thought it would be temporary. Now things have calmed down in other areas of my life, I've had lots of time to think and I've realised that now I need more than this. I seem to suck at relationships because I'm a massive introvert and I get crabby when I spend too long with someone and I find most people too needy, but the distance thing just isn't really working for me anymore. I'm at a place now where I want to have those 'everyday' moments like you described - just going for a quiet drink or watching a film together or walking along the beach. Having sex whenever I want to.

I think this guy just isn't prepared for the reality of moving over here. The longer I've known him, the more I see he's one of those people who is waiting for the stars to align before he does anything. Everything has to be perfect, and he doesn't see that life isn't like that. He laid a huge guilt trip on me about me not understanding his position and how difficult it is to move, but I can see now that I've been more than patient and understanding. I'm someone who just goes ahead and does things, not in a reckless way, but I understand that life is short and things just don't fall into your lap, and I've realised that I need my partner to be similar. I have no interest in sitting around planning every detail for years on end. He's a great person and has been a massive support to me, but at the end of the day, he's not here. And I can't have a real relationship with someone who isn't here and who has no current plans to be here. It looks so simple written down!

Shelga · 07-03-2016 07:44AM

Hi OP, sorry to hear you're going through this situation, but I think you've gotten some really good advice. I totally get that he's not an asshole and isn't stringing you along for sex; I'm always loathe to jump to assuming the man is a calculating womaniser, I think that's too easy.

However, the obstacles facing you are ENORMOUS. I agree with Faith saying that if he really, REALLY wanted to be with you at the expense of all else, he'd have found a way by now. And that's the key- at the expense of all else. I'm sure he does want to be with you, but at this point, so what?

Imagine if he was here within a month. The expectation has been built up SO much by this point that you would have so much more pressure on you than any normal couple starting out. I'm guessing he'd rely on you, at least initially, for all socialising and entertainment. Imagine if you're having a bad day and are cranky with him- suddenly a situation that would be mildly annoying for another couple becomes a catastrophe. He's probably thinking, I left my job, my country and my family for this woman and here she is being horrible- what the hell have I done. And that would be from day one, and a constant worrying possibility. If it were me, I would just be terrified of being anything less than the perfect girlfriend, because of what he's given up to be with me. And all for someone I've only had face-to-face contact with for a few weeks.

It sounds like you have made up your mind anyway. I know it's rare to meet someone you spark with, but I learned long ago that there is always another one. Best of luck.

daisybelle2008 · 07-03-2016 09:14AM

LeeLooLee wrote: »

It was true. It's not as if I made it up. I'm essentially single. And I think tomorrow I will be 100% absolutely definitely truly single. I just needed confirmation really that I wasn't just being selfish and impatient and demanding. I let myself get sucked in and started to believe what he was saying, but now I can see that my gut feeling was correct. This isn't a relationship and he's stringing me along. If he wanted to be here, he would be. Sometimes you need other people to tell you something before you can completely believe it.

OP, while it is sometimes good to get other peoples opinions on justifying your feelings, it is always better to know yourself and you learn a lot by being single. Per your timelines you are 30 have been with this guy a year. You were with someone from 23-29 and someone else for 5 years before that. You don't seem to have been single for any meaningful length of time in your adult life. I say this because it really is better to know yourself and know what is right for you. Relying on other people to tell you if a relationship you are in is bad for you is going to mean you stay long after the sell by date and blame the other person for not doing things your way or to your timeline.

You are clearly very conflicted, dissatisfied and frustrated in this relationship but you are very defensive about it and also blame his actions . I imagine your last relationship was a bit like this too. It is better to rely on yourself to know something is not right for you and be comfortable with yourself and your decisions. The secret nature of the relationship (you telling people you are single). You say that the distance has suited you, you got stuff done and didn't want the hassle of a 'real' relationship, now you have decided you do, he is supposed to jump to your tune? These are big life changing issues for him, he is entitled to change his mind or have cold feet. You can't just say well..you said a year ago you were coming and I'm holding you to that because I've decided it suits me now and checking with his mother on his paperwork. It might be better to lay off the blame game ('he is stringing me along') and just own your decision to leave because you want something different.

I mean if you are still getting over the last 'horrible' relationship experience are you really ready to jump into another, especially when you don't seem to trust yourself or him.

zoobizoo · 07-03-2016 12:00PM

LeeLooLee wrote: »

I seem to suck at relationships because I'm a massive introvert and I get crabby when I spend too long with someone and I find most people too needy.............

He laid a huge guilt trip on me about me not understanding his position and how difficult it is to move, !

How does being introvert impact on your relationships?

Why exactly are you getting crabby with them? (are they not meeting your standards? Are they boring you? Are they not doing what you want?)

How do you find people needy? I know needy people but it would be 5% of the people I know. What are your criteria for categorising people as needy?

Emme · 07-03-2016 12:13PM

LeeLooLee wrote: »

I was waiting for someone to ask this, but no, definitely not. His mother is from a European country and he is entitled to an EU passport. When I say 'developing country', it's officially developing, but it's not really a poor country. The standard of living is very high in most places, similar to Ireland. There is a much higher level of crime than Ireland though.

Not sure how you think he's 'out of my league'. He isn't at all. I get plenty of attention here too. We just really hit it off and it had been a very long time since I had such a connection, so I didn't want to miss out on what I saw as something with a lot of potential.

I didn't mean to offend.

If you get plenty of attention here perhaps you should take up those offers instead of waiting for something that may not materialize. He seems to be dragging his feet.

If he's entitled to an EU passport what's stopping him coming over to you?

Would you be willing to move over to him and would he be happy with that?

LeeLooLee · 07-03-2016 12:32PM

Shelga wrote: »

Hi OP, sorry to hear you're going through this situation, but I think you've gotten some really good advice. I totally get that he's not an asshole and isn't stringing you along for sex; I'm always loathe to jump to assuming the man is a calculating womaniser, I think that's too easy.

However, the obstacles facing you are ENORMOUS. I agree with Faith saying that if he really, REALLY wanted to be with you at the expense of all else, he'd have found a way by now. And that's the key- at the expense of all else. I'm sure he does want to be with you, but at this point, so what?

Imagine if he was here within a month. The expectation has been built up SO much by this point that you would have so much more pressure on you than any normal couple starting out. I'm guessing he'd rely on you, at least initially, for all socialising and entertainment. Imagine if you're having a bad day and are cranky with him- suddenly a situation that would be mildly annoying for another couple becomes a catastrophe. He's probably thinking, I left my job, my country and my family for this woman and here she is being horrible- what the hell have I done. And that would be from day one, and a constant worrying possibility. If it were me, I would just be terrified of being anything less than the perfect girlfriend, because of what he's given up to be with me. And all for someone I've only had face-to-face contact with for a few weeks.

It sounds like you have made up your mind anyway. I know it's rare to meet someone you spark with, but I learned long ago that there is always another one. Best of luck.

Yes, you're right about all of this. The pressure is enormous. I felt it when I saw him last month and I could see how hard he was working and saving so we could travel together and do things. It was really sweet, but it put enormous pressure on for everything to be 'perfect'. This would only be amplified many times if he were to leave everything to come here. I can see now that he's not as capable of moving and adapting as I initially thought. It worked out with my first long distance relationship because the guy was very proactive. He was willing to take any job to get by while he set himself up because his #1 priority was to be with me. Maybe I naively thought it would be the same with this guy, but it isn't. His excuses as to why he hasn't come yet are valid, but the result is the same - he's not here. And I can see now that I'm not being selfish or demanding to want someone who is actually here.

LeeLooLee · 07-03-2016 12:51PM

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

OP, while it is sometimes good to get other peoples opinions on justifying your feelings, it is always better to know yourself and you learn a lot by being single. Per your timelines you are 30 have been with this guy a year. You were with someone from 23-29 and someone else for 5 years before that. You don't seem to have been single for any meaningful length of time in your adult life. I say this because it really is better to know yourself and know what is right for you. Relying on other people to tell you if a relationship you are in is bad for you is going to mean you stay long after the sell by date and blame the other person for not doing things your way or to your timeline.

You are clearly very conflicted, dissatisfied and frustrated in this relationship but you are very defensive about it and also blame his actions . I imagine your last relationship was a bit like this too. It is better to rely on yourself to know something is not right for you and be comfortable with yourself and your decisions. The secret nature of the relationship (you telling people you are single). You say that the distance has suited you, you got stuff done and didn't want the hassle of a 'real' relationship, now you have decided you do, he is supposed to jump to your tune? These are big life changing issues for him, he is entitled to change his mind or have cold feet. You can't just say well..you said a year ago you were coming and I'm holding you to that because I've decided it suits me now and checking with his mother on his paperwork. It might be better to lay off the blame game ('he is stringing me along') and just own your decision to leave because you want something different.

I mean if you are still getting over the last 'horrible' relationship experience are you really ready to jump into another, especially when you don't seem to trust yourself or him.

Hmm no, that's not right. I was single until 21, no relationships or boyfriends at all before that. Then I had a boyfriend for 18 months, then the long relationship, which ended when I was 29. I had a year of nothing after that, no hookups, nothing. Then a couple of very casual flings, then I met this guy a couple of years after the last relationship ended. I don't think 2 years is a short time really. In fact, I was going to therapy (for various issues) and the therapist recommended that I didn't shut myself off from relationships and that it was time to get back on the horse, so to speak.

Yes, I know all those things you mentioned. That's why I was willing to wait for him for so long and that's why most of the other posters have said I'm making excuses for him. But I've realised that other posters are right. He's not making any moves whatsoever to come here. When he postponed the first time, I think I gave him the green light (unintentionally) to take his time.

I don't know where you're getting that I changed my tune. I clearly told him that I would only consider a relationship if we could be together physically within 6 months. He agreed to that. Then he kept pushing the date back more and more. As it stands, he hasn't even got an appointment with the embassy to sort out his paperwork, and he won't take any time off work to go in person and hassle them about it. It's now a year later. The earliest he could possibly come now is July, and he's not even considering that either. He's talking about coming for a 'visit' in the summer. I have been understanding, but how long is this going to go on? Years? As I said originally, I could deal with it if I had a fixed date, even if it was ages away, but I haven't got that. At this point, he seems happy for things to go on like this indefinitely. Me saying things like 'oh well it's nice to have the space' is me looking on the bright side of things, obviously! Yes, it is nice and I have made the most of it, but 6 months have passed since the date we agreed, and he hasn't even started with the paperwork...

LeeLooLee · 07-03-2016 12:57PM

zoobizoo wrote: »

How does being introvert impact on your relationships?

Why exactly are you getting crabby with them? (are they not meeting your standards? Are they boring you? Are they not doing what you want?)

How do you find people needy? I know needy people but it would be 5% of the people I know. What are your criteria for categorising people as needy?

I need lots of space and time to myself. This was an issue in my long-term relationship because he couldn't deal with it. He felt rejected when I didn't pay him attention constantly. He saw all the time I spent writing and on the internet as 'messing around' rather than time I desperately needed to recharge my batteries. I get crabby when I'm around people for too long. It just stresses me out. I'm not anti-social, but if I go to something like a party, I need hours the next day to relax and recharge. My ex never understood this. He'd make plans for us to go and do stuff with other people 2-3 days in a row and my nerves would be frazzled. I find social interaction very draining if I get too much of it. It's a normal introvert thing.

Needy I mean as in looking for constant reassurance. Do you love me, are you sure, I miss you (after an hour apart), that kind of thing. At the beginning, anyway.

LeeLooLee · 07-03-2016 01:11PM

Emme wrote: »

I didn't mean to offend.

If you get plenty of attention here perhaps you should take up those offers instead of waiting for something that may not materialize. He seems to be dragging his feet.

If he's entitled to an EU passport what's stopping him coming over to you?

Would you be willing to move over to him and would he be happy with that?

He hasn't actually got the EU passport. He needs to submit some paperwork and sort that out with the embassy. His first application was rejected because he was missing a form. His mother has the form somewhere but there seems to be no sign of urgency regarding finding it. This is what I don't get. If it were me, that would be my top priority. I wouldn't stop looking until I found it, and if I couldn't find it, I'd go to the embassy and ask how to get it replaced. I honestly think that in his own head, he's 'doing his best' but I imagine it's obvious to everyone here as well as me that his 'best' is far off what it needs to be if he's to come here. At first I really believed he'd get this sorted and come over, then when December passed and he hadn't even mentioned it, I thought, well there you go. He's not even really trying. That's what's getting to me. I would be at that embassy knocking on their door every day until I had what I needed.

I initially did consider going over there, if he really couldn't come here, but having visited last month, I don't think I could live there. He has always known this and never expected me to go there.

daisybelle2008 · 07-03-2016 01:27PM

LeeLooLee wrote: »

Hmm no, that's not right. I was single until 21, no relationships or boyfriends at all before that. Then I had a boyfriend for 18 months, then the long relationship, which ended when I was 29. I had a year of nothing after that, no hookups, nothing. Then a couple of very casual flings, then I met this guy a couple of years after the last relationship ended. I don't think 2 years is a short time really. In fact, I was going to therapy (for various issues) and the therapist recommended that I didn't shut myself off from relationships and that it was time to get back on the horse, so to speak.

Yes, I know all those things you mentioned. That's why I was willing to wait for him for so long and that's why most of the other posters have said I'm making excuses for him. But I've realised that other posters are right. He's not making any moves whatsoever to come here. When he postponed the first time, I think I gave him the green light (unintentionally) to take his time.

I don't know where you're getting that I changed my tune.

Ok I didn't realise the 'one successful long distance relationship' was the same 'horrible relationship' from your other thread, your descriptions of both threw me. Also you said you were 30 and with this guy a year so I didn't see the years long gap from your last relationship (23-29) but I'll take it I'm adding it up wrong.

In any event, maybe have a think if you are ready for a relationship (especially as complicated as this). You said in your other thread that you are wary of starting a new relationship and maybe that's a good thing. Take the pressure off yourself and the guy and just be single till you get your confidence and self awareness back on track. If you stay in somethings that's not right for you, it does a lot of damage, but you have to take responsibility. It's very empowering to take responsibility and take action, it requires being very clear about what you want and moving on if it's not happening, not being a victim, knowing when to walk and not blaming the other person when you are settling for less than you want.

LeeLooLee · 07-03-2016 01:41PM

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

Ok I didn't realise the 'one successful long distance relationship' was the same 'horrible relationship' from your other thread, your descriptions of both threw me. Also you said you were 30 and with this guy a year so I didn't see the years long gap from your last relationship (23-29) but I'll take it I'm adding it up wrong.

In any event, maybe have a think if you are ready for a relationship (especially as complicated as this). You said in your other thread that you are wary of starting a new relationship and maybe that's a good thing. Take the pressure off yourself and the guy and just be single till you get your confidence and self awareness back on track. If you stay in somethings that's not right for you, it does a lot of damage, but you have to take responsibility. It's very empowering to take responsibility and take action, it requires being very clear about what you want and moving on if it's not happening, not being a victim, knowing when to walk and not blaming the other person when you are settling for less than you want.

I'm 31. I didn't say the relationship was ultimately successful, I said the long distance part was successful, as were the first few years. The reasons we ultimately broke up had nothing to do with the distance.

I'm definitely not blaming him. That's why I've been making what I now see are excuses for him. I should have insisted on a final end date if he hadn't made it over here instead of letting things drag on. I got distracted, I had a bereavement in the family in December and that's how it sort of passed me by that he hadn't made a move to get his paperwork. It's only really now that I'm thinking about it clearly.

daisybelle2008 · 07-03-2016 01:45PM

LeeLooLee wrote: »

I'm 31. I didn't say the relationship was ultimately successful, I said the long distance part was successful, as were the first few years. The reasons we ultimately broke up had nothing to do with the distance.

I'm definitely not blaming him. That's why I've been making what I now see are excuses for him. I should have insisted on a final end date if he hadn't made it over here instead of letting things drag on. I got distracted, I had a bereavement in the family in December and that's how it sort of passed me by that he hadn't made a move to get his paperwork. It's only really now that I'm thinking about it clearly.

Well that's good that you are thinking clearly now. Don't be afraid to move on and find someone nearer to home if you are now sure of yourself and what you want. Because this clearly is far removed from what you say you want.

LeeLooLee · 07-03-2016 02:05PM

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

Well that's good that you are thinking clearly now. Don't be afraid to move on and find someone nearer to home if you are now sure of yourself and what you want. Because this clearly is far removed from what you say you want.

I don't mean I'm looking for a relationship. I'm in a foreign country myself and I need to get out and meet people, not be sitting online for hours on end waiting for him to have time to Skype, each chat shorter than the last. If I were single, I wouldn't hesitate to go for coffee or a drink with a guy who seemed nice and asked me out, just to get out there and meet people, be introduced to more people, whether or not it developed into anything romantic.

daisybelle2008 · 07-03-2016 02:30PM

LeeLooLee wrote: »

I just want a boyfriend who is actually here.

If thats what you want then don't settle for less than that. If you are conflicted or settling, then likely you will attract equally conflicted people who aren't clear on what they want either.

Emme · 07-03-2016 02:46PM

LeeLooLee wrote: »

I don't mean I'm looking for a relationship. I'm in a foreign country myself and I need to get out and meet people, not be sitting online for hours on end waiting for him to have time to Skype, each chat shorter than the last. If I were single, I wouldn't hesitate to go for coffee or a drink with a guy who seemed nice and asked me out, just to get out there and meet people, be introduced to more people, whether or not it developed into anything romantic.

What would be there difference between the way you are now and if you were single (apart from being available to meet new guys)?

LeeLooLee · 07-03-2016 02:50PM

Emme wrote: »

What would be there difference between the way you are now and if you were single (apart from being available to meet new guys)?

It's not really appropriate to meet random guys when in a relationship?

It's hard to meet people here. They're very cliquey and the women especially tend to stick to their own friendship groups. Hence the only people really open to/interested in meeting a foreigner are men who want to meet women, people who want to practise their English (and a lot of these people also fall into the first category) and other foreigners (fine, but I'd prefer to integrate more into local life).

daisybelle2008 · 07-03-2016 03:13PM

LeeLooLee wrote: »

I'm essentially single. And I think tomorrow I will be 100% absolutely definitely truly single. This isn't a relationship and he's stringing me along.

Now I need to gear myself up to tell him

Did you tell him OP? Or have you changed your mind.

I am honestly finding some of your posts hard to square up for consistency. Your last one says it's hard to meet guys where you are? Your first one says 'great guys' were asking you out.

OP maybe just be single for a while and get your head straight on what you want. Your other thread said you don't trust your own judgement when it comes to romance so no harm taking a break if that's true as might not be making good decisions?. Overwhelming advise has been too move on.

LeeLooLee · 07-03-2016 03:33PM

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

Did you tell him OP? Or have you changed your mind.

I am honestly finding some of your posts hard to square up for consistency. Your last one says it's hard to meet guys where you are? Your first one says 'great guys' were asking you out.

OP maybe just be single for a while and get your head straight on what you want. Your other thread said you don't trust your own judgement when it comes to romance so no harm taking a break if that's true as might not be making good decisions?. Overwhelming advise has been too move on.

You seem to be trying to catch me out. Why don't you read what I actually wrote instead of projecting? I said that meeting guys for coffee/drinks dates was the EASIEST way to meet local people here because people in general here, especially WOMEN, tend to be cliquey and stick to their own friends.

No, I haven't told him yet, he hasn't had a chance to Skype and I don't really want to tell him via Whatsapp.

daisybelle2008 · 07-03-2016 04:12PM

LeeLooLee wrote: »

You seem to be trying to catch me out. Why don't you read what I actually wrote instead of projecting? I said that meeting guys for coffee/drinks dates was the EASIEST way to meet local people here because people in general here, especially WOMEN, tend to be cliquey and stick to their own friends.

No, I haven't told him yet, he hasn't had a chance to Skype and I don't really want to tell him via Whatsapp.

OP I'm sorry you feel that. One thing stands out is it must be incredibly hard living in another country where it is hard to meet people (friends). Don't let loneliness cloud your judgement with the LDR guy. At least if you have more time to try to socialise and break the cliques without the added stress of him, it might be better in the long run. I don't imagine it's easy, but right now your head and heart is being pulled in all directions and it is not enhancing your life. I wish you all the best.

Meauldsegosha · 07-03-2016 04:46PM

LeeLooLee wrote: »

You seem to be trying to catch me out. Why don't you read what I actually wrote instead of projecting?

In fairness to daisybelle2008 you did say this in your first post.

LeeLooLee wrote: »

I'm starting to feel more and more frustrated that there are lovely guys here asking me out ...

LeeLooLee · 07-03-2016 05:51PM

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

In fairness to daisybelle2008 you did say this in your first post.

Yes, and that's exactly what I just said again. Twice. I've now said it in three different ways. Is it just me?

I didn't think I was this bad of a writer.

It's hard to meet people here. They're very cliquey and the women especially tend to stick to their own friendship groups. Hence the only people really open to/interested in meeting a foreigner are men who want to meet women, people who want to practise their English (and a lot of these people also fall into the first category) and other foreigners (fine, but I'd prefer to integrate more into local life).

LeeLooLee · 07-03-2016 11:44PM

Well, I finally talked to him and explained that I just can't keep putting my life on hold as the goalposts keep moving regarding when he is coming here. I did as Faith suggested and told him that while I would love things to continue, I just can't keep hanging on here for something that might never even happen. I can't keep waiting hours for a 20 minute Skype call. I think that's what really made me realise how crazy the situation is - the fact he now doesn't even have time to chat properly online.

He started telling me, as expected, that it wasn't his fault and that the embassy is disorganised and work is stressful but I made the point that the outcome is the same. I'm sitting here on my own waiting for someone who hasn't even started the paperwork to come here. He said he understands. I feel really bad and so, so disappointed, but I know in my heart that things can't go on like this and in my heart I know he hasn't made as much effort to come over as he could have. We have agreed to stay friends and not rule out the possibility of something happening down the line, but I'm not holding my breath. I just don't think he's mentally ready for any of this at the moment. I think it's for the best, but I feel so sad.

Long distance headwreck

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