Back with Ex- She's sent nudes to some lads in work and her college course

Andrew Laeddis

Thanks for the replies guys. No idead what I'm gonna do but cheers

nozipcode

Just get over it! Big deal, she sent some revealing pics to some guys when she was single. I am sure they reciprocated.

OP, have you ever sent pics of yourself to another girl before? No need to answer here, but if you have, then cut the girl some slack!

frostyjacks

I wonder if people would be so forgiving if it was a guy sending pictures of his genitals to female colleagues. What was she hoping to achieve anyway? Certainly not a reunion with her ex.

Saipanne

I'd probably break up with someone over that. Not for the photos, but for the distribution.

Kev W

frostyjacks wrote: »

I wonder if people would be so forgiving if it was a guy sending pictures of his genitals to female colleagues.

Probably, yeah.

frostyjacks wrote: »

What was she hoping to achieve anyway?

I'd say what she was trying to achieve by sending nude pictures to guys was to have those guys see those pictures. That's my theory.

frostyjacks wrote: »

Certainly not a reunion with her ex.

Well obviously not. She probably wasn't trying to land on the moon or invent a new colour either. What's your point?

frostyjacks

Kev W wrote: »

Probably, yeah.



I'd say what she was trying to achieve by sending nude pictures to guys was to have those guys see those pictures. That's my theory.



Well obviously not. She probably wasn't trying to land on the moon or invent a new colour either. What's your point?

I'm not sure it's the same for men. There was an English MP that was forced to quit for something similar to this. I'm just curious as to why a woman would want so many men to see naked photos of herself. Maybe I'm stuck with old fashioned family values, but that comes across as unusual behaviour, even in this day and age.

racso1975

frostyjacks wrote: »

I'm not sure it's the same for men. There was an English MP that was forced to quit for something similar to this. I'm just curious as to why a woman would want so many men to see naked photos of herself. Maybe I'm stuck with old fashioned family values, but that comes across as unusual behaviour, even in this day and age.

2 Men.......

beks101

TBH OP, between this and your previous thread, it seems you're dealing with a whole lot of relationship angst in a very short period of time since you got back together with this girl.

Are you sure you're comfortable with this setup? With the pace of things since you got back together? With living out of each other's pocket in your parent's house for an indefinite period of time, as you try to work through the issues that caused you to break up and the things that each of you have been up to in those 6 months apart?

I don't think her sex life before the reunion is the issue here. So she sent a few racy pics, she was single and horny and craving attention, big deal. Wouldn't be my style for a whole host of privacy reasons, but whether she was going for sweet romantic dinners or swinging from chandeliers during that time, it was her right as a single woman and nothing to do with you.

Strikes me as there'll be issue after issue after issue (and maybe thread after thread after thread) in the coming weeks though, until you start to take things at your own pace and stop railroading ahead with this relationship where you have no space and no chance to process things and get to re-know each other at a reasonable pace in order to give a healthy relationship a real shot this time round. Sounds like you're smothering each other already and getting unhealthily obsessed.

It sounds like you're insecure, uncomfortable and unhappy right now. Which is not the way you should be feeling a few weeks into a relationship. Are you sure this is what you want?

intheclouds

frostyjacks wrote: »

I wonder if people would be so forgiving if it was a guy sending pictures of his genitals to female colleagues. What was she hoping to achieve anyway? Certainly not a reunion with her ex.

Where did it say she sent pictures of her genitals to anyone?

Nude =/= pornographic material.

njs030

Ok am I correct in thinking from your previous post that you split up for 6 months and very soon after reconciling she moved into your parents house with you?

If so it's a lot more complicated thanks just "end it". Have you sat her down and talked to her about it yet? It's possible she was so hurt and heartbroken when you spilt up she threw herself into a rebound fling(s) to try and help her feel better about herself.

It's not nice or an attractive thing to do but from what you said previously this woman is your future. Ending it because of a couple of stupid, embarrassing mistakes could be YOUR biggest mistake.
Talk it through, let her explain and tell her that your not comfortable going to those occasions until things have settled down.

osarusan

Andrew Laeddis wrote: »

Thanks for the replies guys. No idead what I'm gonna do but cheers

She did what she did, and she had every right to do so.

You feel about that however you feel about, and you have every right to do so.

Different people will obviously see it as more or less important an issue.

If it's a problem for you, that's just how you feel, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

As said very early on the thread, you either decide it's something you can live with, or you decide it isn't.

suicide_circus

I've less of a "moral" issue with the naked photos than I do with the fact that it points to stupidity, naiveté and low self esteem.

Exclamation Marc

I'd feel very uncomfortable being with someone who had freely sent nudes to people they work with and on their college course. It is something that will never go away and lads being lads, if they know you, it'll come up as a joke eventually.

If it bothers you now a lot, it'll never not bother you as unfortunately it's out there forever.

Personally, everyone to their own, but I wouldn't want to be with someone who sends random enough people nudes of themselves, it says a lot about a person.

If you can get past that and don't mind the possibility/probability that this will flare its ugly head again, then go for it. If not, walk away.

Ursus Horribilis

During the summer Channel 4 broadcast a documentary about Revenge Porn. I think this documentary should be required viewing for every young person who has a smartphone. The point it hammered home was that once nude photos leave your phone, you have no control whatsoever over where they could go next. Not every person's going to do the decent thing and keep them private. And once photos make it out into the big bad world, they're out there forever.

I think you need to talk to your girlfriend about what you found. It's obviously eating you up and I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. See where it takes you from there. I think if you can't make peace with what happened then you'd be better off splitting up.

DukeOfTheSharp

I think the attitude that she 'had every right to do it' isn't taking into account the point-of-view that says she probably shouldn't have in the first place. We all have a right to do go through with some bad ideas, however it's rare that there aren't repercussions down the line, but this is a significant stresser and you're going to have to sit down and say 'when I sent you that stuff in the email I seen what else you'd sent, and honestly, I'm not ok with this'. I mean, I find anyone who sends nude pictures to be pretty bloody foolish, and they rarely take into consideration the potential problems that something like this could cause in the future if they've a falling out with a person or someone is untrustworthy. And the biggest issue is, this is something that could potentially come back down the line to effect her, and it then effects you because you care about her. This is an already fragile situation; ideally the issues shouldn't be so apparent straight off the bat, but it just seems like a lot of unnecessary stress and you have to ask yourself this: is her being in your life worth this hassle? Are you happy with the speed of how this is happening, and how things are unfolding? Perhaps scaling back your time together is the best option, she clearly has a lot of growing up to do and you clearly need space to get your head clear.

Ursus Horribilis

DukeOfTheSharp wrote: »

Perhaps scaling back your time together is the best option, she clearly has a lot of growing up to do and you clearly need space to get your head clear.

This isn't an option. The OP posted another thread recently. She's now living with him in his parent's home. Even that is causing him angst.

Andrew Laeddis

She's not the easy or cheating type and she had a bit of a meltdown in those 6 months we were apart so this is out of character

We both agreed to keep what went on when we were apart in the 6 months to ourselves but curiosity got the better of me whereas she's fine not knowing who I was with or if I sent anyone any pics ( I did on both counts, albeit not to work colleagues)

So now I feel hypocritical. We both did things. She's not bothered about knowing what I did because it was on the past, she wasn't around and in her opinion it doesn't affect what we have here and now

Exclamation Marc

Andrew Laeddis wrote: »

So now I feel hypocritical. We both did things. She's not bothered about knowing what I did because it was on the past, she wasn't around and in her opinion it doesn't affect what we have here and now

From what you're saying though, what you did in the past will stay in the past as what you did was with random people who may never appear in your life again. Whereas what she did, albeit in the past, very likely will have an effect on the future.

You can be an optimist and say it might never come up again and happy days. But being what it is, there's a good chance it will.

So if you're gonna continue with the girl you really have to be comfortable that these pictures are out in the wild and may come back to haunt you/her. If you choose to be ok with it now and move on with it, you can't rile up on her down the line.

TimeToShine

Andrew Laeddis wrote: »

She's not the easy or cheating type and she had a bit of a meltdown in those 6 months we were apart so this is out of character

We both agreed to keep what went on when we were apart in the 6 months to ourselves but curiosity got the better of me whereas she's fine not knowing who I was with or if I sent anyone any pics ( I did on both counts, albeit not to work colleagues)

So now I feel hypocritical. We both did things. She's not bothered about knowing what I did because it was on the past, she wasn't around and in her opinion it doesn't affect what we have here and now

You sound like a hypocrite. The only difference between you and her is that she was caught, and when I say caught I mean she trusted you to send something using her account and you went snooping.

Exclamation Marc

TimeToShine wrote: »

You sound like a hypocrite. The only difference between you and her is that she was caught, and when I say caught I mean she trusted you to send something using her account and you went snooping.

That's pretty unfair. The difference between him and her is that she sent the images on to people who the OP knows and works with, people he'll see five days a week.

beks101

Christ. You sent nude pics too? Well then you're even stevens. What's the problem like. You both got up to stuff, the same stuff no less, and the judgement towards your gf on this thread is pretty damn deplorable.

Keep the nudes between yerselves now that you're in an exclusive relationship, and get on with it. That's assuming you're not going to judge the woman for the very same thing you did yourself.

Manufactured Miracle wrote: »

That's pretty unfair. The difference between him and her is that she sent the images on to people who the OP knows and works with, people he'll see five days a week.

I don't know where you're getting that from. OP said it was HER college mates and HER colleagues. Yeah he might meet them down the line. And what of it? "Lads will be lads"?

Dating several members of the same social group over a period of time is hardly a new phenomenon. My OH has met plenty of lads who have seen me naked over the years. Lads I dated or had a thing with before we got together. And vice versa. They don't snigger at him or crack jokes about having seen my knockers because they are not twelve.

Yeah privacy yadda yadda yack. Not the smartest. But not deserved of the judgements and "not the classiest" aspersions cast on the OP's gf. He did the same bloody thing.

Exclamation Marc

beks101 wrote: »

I don't know where you're getting that from. OP said it was HER college mates and HER colleagues. Yeah he might meet them down the line. And what of it? "Lads will be lads"?

Fair enough, I misread that and it does make a difference. Lads will be lads etc fair enough but maybe the OP doesn't want to turn up at his gf's functions and have the lads winking or making smart comments. Some people would have a problem with others in their social or work circle having nude pics of their gf/bf. You clearly wouldn't and that's your prerogative and no judgement there. But you can't say someone is unreasonable for having a problem with it.

beks101 wrote: »

My OH has met plenty of lads who have seen me naked over the years. Lads I dated or had a thing with before we got together. And vice versa. They don't snigger at him or crack jokes about having seen my knockers because they are not twelve.

Ah come on, that's nonsense and extraordinarily naive. Equating a memory of seeing somebody nude to having pictures of somebody nude is an absolutely ridiculous statement to make.

beks101 wrote: »

Yeah privacy yadda yadda yack. Not the smartest. But not deserved of the judgements and "not the classiest" aspersions cast on the OP's gf. He did the same bloody thing.

I think people are perfectly entitled to judge that it's 'not the classiest'. You're judging that it's absolutely fine and sure it happens, why can't others say its pretty bad (of both them no less). And whilst yeah he did the same thing (and it IS just as bad), I think we can both agree that nude pics of girls get around (and have a 'market') whilst nude pics of guys; nobody really wants to see that.

And I wouldn't dismiss privacy as yadda yadda yack, watch any documentary (like the one Odus_Fell_Down mentioned) and you'll see how nude pictures of girls can literally ruin their lives.

Ursus Horribilis

Andrew Laeddis wrote: »

We both agreed to keep what went on when we were apart in the 6 months to ourselves but curiosity got the better of me whereas she's fine not knowing who I was with or if I sent anyone any pics ( I did on both counts, albeit not to work colleagues)

You were very slow to reveal this nugget of information, weren't you? This changes a lot. So it was OK for you to sleep with other women and send them nudes but not for your girlfriend?

The only thing your girlfriend did wrong (and this is only my personal opinion) was to get entangled in that way with her work colleagues. I'm a firm believer in not dipping one's pen in the company ink, so to speak. This isn't an issue for her obviously and she didn't do anything wrong. My only concern is what has been discussed in the last few threads. Hopefully the guys who have these nudes won't be sharing them or showing them to their mates. Percentage wise, she's at much greater risk of this happening than vice versa. The only thing your girlfriend's guilty of is a lapse of judgement but that's coloured by my own thoughts on workplace relations.

Kev W

Of course you feel hypocritical. You're being hypocritical. You're upset she did something you did yourself. And no, it doesn't matter to whom she sent them.

Ann84

Op, I think you guys had the best plan when ye got back together to not disclose what happened when ye were apart!
So, now that you know something, honestly I suggest you just try to forget it because in the greater scheme of things, these guys are in ye're lives now but not forever, college ends, work colleagues change etc...

It seems like a lot of posters take issue with what she and you did, really it's no ones business (and that actually included you in relation to her actions and visa versa!) and to be honest I've heard of and know people who have, and still do stuff that would be considered waaaaaayyy freakier and inconceivable than sending a few dirty pics!
I suppose you need to ask yourself why you snooped...? Ye made an agreement not to disclose what happened, right thing really... But then you snooped and if you challenge her, you'll have to reveal your hand, would that conversation be worth having? Or can you let this go...?!

Flippyfloppy

Kev W wrote: »

Of course you feel hypocritical. You're being hypocritical. You're upset she did something you did yourself. And no, it doesn't matter to whom she sent them.

In a way at least she sent hers to people she has probably built up trust with throughout the years!

listermint

Two question's,

Why did you guys break up originally?


Did you have yo question her fidelity before .

These are core to this and only you can answer.

I do know of a girl in a similar situation, frankly she was a bit of a ditz all things considered but she was stringing her boyfriend along all the while trying to get with another guy sending images to him .other guy had a gf also and eventually kicked it to touch.

Sometimes you have to question the reason it finished in the first place . you are the only one that can decide is it worth it to go back

Andrew Laeddis

listermint wrote: »

Two question's,

Why did you guys break up originally?


Mostly my fault. I walked out, came back, we argued and went seperate ways. No 3rd party involvement

Did you have yo question her fidelity before .

Never at any stage in 3 years. She was as good as gold

These are core to this and only you can answer.

I do know of a girl in a similar situation, frankly she was a bit of a ditz all things considered but she was stringing her boyfriend along all the while trying to get with another guy sending images to him .other guy had a gf also and eventually kicked it to touch.

Sometimes you have to question the reason it finished in the first place . you are the only one that can decide is it worth it to go back

Why did you guys break up originally?


Mostly my fault. I walked out, came back, we argued and went seperate ways. No 3rd party involvement

Did you have yo question her fidelity before .

Never at any stage in 3 years. She was as good as gold

osarusan

Andrew Laeddis wrote: »

We both agreed to keep what went on when we were apart in the 6 months to ourselves but curiosity got the better of me whereas she's fine not knowing who I was with or if I sent anyone any pics ( I did on both counts, albeit not to work colleagues)

Well now. You forgot to mention this!

Andrew Laeddis wrote: »

So now I feel hypocritical.

As you should, to be honest.

Potatoeman

Was her/your face in the pics? There is a huge difference if these resurface when it's your face.