Sex stopped? At my age? For the rest of my life?

seenitall

The OP does have kids and, like any good father, they are a major consideration for him in this sorry mess of a marriage.

AnonThisTime wrote: »

I feel like I have just accepted defeat - she has everything she wants, I have to accept that a non sexual relationship is beter than one where I am in a flat supporting 2 houses, broke & seeing the kids 1-2 times a week.


Got a great house, job, wonderful kids and a good mother - I feel like such an asshole thinking of separating, (me going to an apartment, developing arguments about maintenance, kids hearts being broken, both of us being broke, her own great lifestyle of painting classes and yoga while kids are in school - all down the drain) and it could probably all be avoided in my mind with sex once a week or fortnight.

daisybelle2008

seenitall wrote: »

The OP does have kids and, like any good father, they are a major consideration for him in this sorry mess of a marriage.

I may be wrong but I thought Not Me and the OP are different posters? Not Me only mentions dogs and lists very different circumstances than the OP. They read like different posters.

njs030

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

I may be wrong but I thought Not Me and the OP are different posters? Not Me only mentions dogs and lists very different circumstances than the OP. They read like different posters.

Me too. I thought the most recent post was from someone else. Maybe mods could open a new thread for the new person as it's getting really confusing!

seenitall

Ah I see. My mistake then.

LegacyUser

It's getting hard to keep up with who's story is who, but I think it's good to read everyones story anyway (so please don't split the thread mod!!).

Anyway,kind of same story, nearly.

Married old enough, lived together long enough, Child one arrived, went relatively ok.
Child 2 arrived and then the days turned into weeks which turned into months, then we kind of got things a bit more regular, but then child 3 arrived and it's not as bad but still the frustration does eat me up, at this stage though my wife isn;t even concerned with foreplay, just get it over with, and then saying it was fun and we should be doing it every morning and night..

and here's the thing (and another poster mentioned it earlier)... I can predict down to the day when she'll be interested again. And shock horror folks, it's all just based on her cycle.

Thinking back on things, she used always loose the nut (like a blind rage) around a certain time of her cycle... (as in jealousy, obsessing about housework, someone out to get her, stupid raging arguments over nothing, threatening to leave with the kids, telling me I should leave).. and then everything would be rosy in a few days time as if it never happened. So eventually she told her doctor about her moods and lack of libido. So as much as we were both hesitant she tried prozac (with regular monitoring by her doctor I must emphasise). When she was on it everything was much calmer and it was actually a very loving house with a lot more patience and less sniping (but of course prozac has it's side effects too).

So now she's off it and it's going back to that way again. The thing is, we both recognise it and talk about it, I don't want to ever suggest to her that they go 'on medication' as she has a fairly good head on her shoulders and always makes the right decision for us.

But I hate it, I think people often get the impression that men 'just' want to shoot their load, and initially I thought that this was just my 'hormones' being irrational so I should stop the 'pestering' for sex. But it's just unbearable, loads of teasing/promises/overt suggestions during the day time but when the night time comes I'm just a dirty pervert dog 'looking for sex'. Deep down I want to be wanted too, not because I've done x,y or z in the kitchen, but because I'm me and someone would want me for just being me. If I did just want to 'get off' then I'd be engaging in masturbation very often, but that just depresses me and makes me feel shallow at this stage of my life.

I'm sick to the back teeth of listening to people who say "oh! just make some more time for romance and the rest will follow" or "buy her flowers" or "help with the housework". This just puts the issue 'solely' back on the man, so invariably it hints at 'buying sex' from your spouse.


I'd be against criticising your desire 'for sex' by any means necessary (dates and flowers etc), so I think people should go easy a bit on the OP. Your head is all over the place OP and people need to realise that sex for men isn't just about 'knocking one out', it runs just as deep as it does for women, except a lot of us men don't really realise this. Sure, you could go away and have a few affairs and what nots, but deep down you want to be loved, and if you do find love then it's going to be very tricky dealing with that with your wife at home.

I also think that kids pick up on parents issues/interactions, so the coldness and arguments will become their 'normality' too. Do you want to be teaching them that that is how a normal marriage is? But don't get me wrong, this isn't advice to throw in the towel just yet. I think most marriages go on a roller coaster (despite what your perfect friend's marriages look like!), so there might be hope yet.

So in the end, I'd take up some other posters advice and consider asking her to see a GP and rule out hormones. Also the fact that she's going deep into conspiracy theories may suggest paranoia (which was a major factor in my wife's imbalance!). I had the bags packed a few times untill I took a stand and said "why the f*ck should I be the one leaving my house and kids".So that's my story OP, I would never want to leave her. But heck I miss the fun we used to enjoy.

Maybe there's something more going on in society (like hormones in the water kind of thing!) as it seems like a common enough problem on this forum. Or was it always that way and a large portion of couples just grew old and bitter together while it was all apple pie in public.

Remember OP you've done absolutely nothing wrong, you just want to be wanted. Talk it out, surely ye must have had something worth fighting for before the marriage and kids.

LegacyUser

Not me, your problem is very different to the OPs. As another poster said you sound like you hate your wife, you said in your first post that she was an evil bitch, Your problems will not go away if she has sex with you and i'm sure she is aware of how she feel about her so of course she's not going to want to have sex. Your relationship is not going to get better.

LegacyUser

'Not me' your post actually scares me. That level of hate for someone who you you just dont have sex life with is disturbing. You know you are 100% responsible for your own life and happiness right? You're sounding like a sad and bitter man that when presented with solutions or help to a situation that you OBVIOUSLY need to change, you revert to inaction and victim mentality so as not to have to set about the immense work involved in changing your life to achieve the happiness you want or a least a more content situation for yourself. You seem to prefer to sit seething and gathering poisonous resentment, but do nothing. And you actually say you want to have sex with a person you despise? That's dishonest. You don't want a sex life with HER you want a different partner, a different life, everything. Stop the blame game and pinning all the responsibility of YOUR happiness of the shoulders of your wife who you too are treating despicably.

anewme

Not Me wrote: »

Right now I am in a bad phase. She walks in, I walk out. She looks at me, I look away. I have moved into the downstairs room over a year ago, at the time I told her I will not continue with this grotesque Ernie and Bert relationship. I now spend most of my time in my room, I avoid her whenever possible. We have tried to patch this up and everything works great, we go away on weekend breaks, we have fun, we get on, we do things, I put in an effort and then she says "I'm tired, I just want to go to sleep". So afterwards back to my room I go and back to ignoring her.
I can feel the bitterness and resentment as physical sensations, it feels like my body is being poisoned.<SNIP>

It is clear from this post there is nothing left but spite and malice. Even without the sex, you have nothing in common. You don't even like this person nor she you.

You say you go to the beach with her (grrr) and the dogs (yay) and that she is driving you bonkers looking up weird stuff about Aliens. And getting satisfaction from seeing her flip. Why do you even want to attempt to have sex with this person you clearly have disdain for.?

You have no children, nothing to hold you to this person. The posters who who said get your own life back are right. Go to the gym, hill walking, get out of the house, take the dogs out more by yourself. When you start working on yourself, then you will see yourself as a person of value, you are too caught up in it at the moment and can't see the wood for the trees.

Oh and one thing I don't like from some posts here, is to have an affair. Please don't bring another person into it and use them to make yourself feel better. A friend of mine got caught up with a married guy who was separating. They fell madly in love and were together two years. He pursued her relentlessly, soul mates, his second chance etc. Despite the fact he said solicitors etc were involved, suddenly she was dumped when the wife wanted to try again. She was heartbroken.

The only one who can change this is you.

I was in a situation where my partner and I had reached the same situation as you. Lovely house, beautiful couple, but together too young and had grown apart. The sex dried up (on my part) because the relationship was dead. Both of us could have written your post above about the other. One day everything spilled over into violence and I knew there would be a tragedy. So I left the house with 10 pounds to my name and a dog on a lead and started again. We were not married, but engaged which carried the same rights in law.

You are slowly dying inside living that meagre existence. Get out to preserve your own and your wife's sanity.

Sleepy

OP, go see a solicitor and tell her to leave your house. You've not mentioned any kids so the worst that can happen you is that she'll get half of whatever equity is in the house after the mortgage is cleared, (possibly) the dogs and some level of alimony (which a decent solicitor will be able to help you minimise).

As biased as the Irish Courts are against fathers, they're not going to leave you hand over a majority of your income to an ex-wife when there are no children involved. The worst case scenario is that you're left with a lower income but only yourself to support on it and the freedom to enjoy it again. Should she find some other poor gob****e prepared to marry her, the alimony would end and you'd be free and clear.

njs030

Sleepy wrote: »

OP, go see a solicitor and tell her to leave your house. You've not mentioned any kids so the worst that can happen you is that she'll get half of whatever equity is in the house after the mortgage is cleared, (possibly) the dogs and some level of alimony (which a decent solicitor will be able to help you minimise).

As biased as the Irish Courts are against fathers, they're not going to leave you hand over a majority of your income to an ex-wife when there are no children involved. The worst case scenario is that you're left with a lower income but only yourself to support on it and the freedom to enjoy it again. Should she find some other poor gob****e prepared to marry her, the alimony would end and you'd be free and clear.

Op does have children, the other poster doesn't. I don't know who we are advising anymore and everyone seem to be just as confused!!

LegacyUser

Hi guys, OP here. I know I didn’t post for a while but taking my mind off this issue and immersing myself in work/kids/sport helps me deal with it (or postpone dealing with it of course!)
I think the thread got a bit confusing because a couple of other posters quite rightly added in their sad experiences & comments went to and fro about them.
'Not Me' – you have more than a no-sex problem. They way your post was written I can only hope it was a really bad day and that every day isn’t like that. There is a real undercurrent of hatred there – but a year ago I could have written in the same way. There used to be screaming (infrequent) and shouting (very frequent). Now all that has died down and while I saw this as a process of recovery, she thinks the recovery has been made and done and that’s it. Sex was not & is not part of her idea of a part of the relationship. No attempt to address it.
You say you walk the dogs together – this sounds like a positive thing to me – in our house that kind of thing started a few months ago after 7 years of never happening. We did nothing together. My take on this is that if you both do enjoyable things in each other’s company, you share an enjoyable experience, no matter how small, and over time you associate those enjoyable experiences with each other and you start getting on with each other. And to me, sex is one of those experiences. I think it would be good for us as a couple. That’s not the only reason I miss it of course – I feel I have a need for it & it’s a normal, healthy part of like – and the rejection I am getting is leading to an unhealthy, abnormal life.

I think some of the posts about seeing sex almost as a ‘transaction’ were going the wrong way - “I work hard every week for this house, you must put out for me….” – no I can’t see that approach working. But I have taken the bull by the horns & explained that my sex life is not over & she can choose to be part of that or not. So far she is just kicking the can down the road & postponing discussing it or doing anything about it (like seeing a therapist).

I really can't believe this has happened to me & the way out of it is such a difficult path to follow.

Thanks for reading/posting - have to say I dodn't expect this many posts - it really has hit a chord with a lot of people.

tashiusclay

Its stories like these that are reinforcing my hesitation as a man ever to bother with marriage, its a losing option in this day and age.

Good luck to all the posters, hope things work out for ye in the end somehow.

LegacyUser

you'll hate this but it needs to be said.

Sounds like your wife doesnt love you any more. By all means try and fix it but if I were you I'd prepare for it to fail. She's not even trying. She's keeping you around for as long as possible for your money and the roof over her and the kids head. When it's all over, it goes to the courts and she gets the house and kids. This type of thread comes up all the time.

Man marries woman.
Woman has kids.
Man provides resources.
Sex dries up.
Man's purpose served.

Horrible truth about marriage and life:
Men love women. Women love kids.

I'm sorry. I really hope things get better for you soon.

charlietheminxx

I think the advice above is really unfair, not all women want children. Most women do not use men as a means to an end. Lots of women genuinely enjoy sex and need it as much or more than men.

I hope things work out for you OP, you deserve a fulfilling sex life and it sounds like you're really working hard on your marriage.

LegacyUser

charlietheminxx wrote: »

I think the advice above is really unfair, not all women want children. Most women do not use men as a means to an end. Lots of women genuinely enjoy sex and need it as much or more than men.

I hope things work out for you OP, you deserve a fulfilling sex life and it sounds like you're really working hard on your marriage.

That might be true but time and time again this problem is posted here from a man's point of view. You rarely read about this problem from a wife's point of view, at least on here.

I know from talking to my older male friends, this is common problem for married men.

strandroad

Askyhighsky wrote: »

That might be true but time and time again this problem is posted here from a man's point of view. You rarely read about this problem from a wife's point of view, at least on here.

I know from talking to my older male friends, this is common problem for married men.

You do see complaints from women quite often but they are typically about boyfriends or younger husbands and the reason is porn.

tashiusclay

mhge wrote: »

You do see complaints from women quite often but they are typically about boyfriends or younger husbands and the reason is porn.

Complaints that they're being denied sex?

strandroad

tashiusclay wrote: »

Complaints that they're being denied sex?

Yes, threads like "he's lost interest in sex we live like housemates", "he's been neglecting me but he watches porn/masturbates regularly".
Not about older husbands though... It's typically younger wives or girlfriends.

tashiusclay

mhge wrote: »

Yes, threads like "he's lost interest in sex we live like housemates", "he's been neglecting me but he watches porn/masturbates regularly".
Not about older husbands though... It's typically younger wives or girlfriends.

And I'd have been of the school of thought that watching porn would have made lads even more keen on sex with their partners, strange behaviours.

LegacyUser

Askyhighsky wrote: »

That might be true but time and time again this problem is posted here from a man's point of view. You rarely read about this problem from a wife's point of view, at least on here.

I know from talking to my older male friends, this is common problem for married men.

More often than not though the woman has fallen out of love or there are a lot of problems in the relationship so therefore the woman does not want to have sex with her partner. Even if a man can't stand his wife he'll often still want to have sex with her and it's nothing to do with fulfilling her desires but his own.

Micky Dolenz

Even if she did agree to have sex once or twice a fortnight, who'd enjoy that?

A sexual relationship without good fun sex isn't a sexual relationship. It's something else. And unless it's consensual, sounds like pure misery.

LegacyUser

thus gossip wrote: »

More often than not though the woman has fallen out of love or there are a lot of problems in the relationship so therefore the woman does not want to have sex with her partner. Even if a man can't stand his wife he'll often still want to have sex with her and it's nothing to do with fulfilling her desires but his own.

Yes - you're absolutely right - she has fallen out of love with me (a very long time ago I'd say TBH) - and me with her. I just thought we could get it all going again & the reduction in arguments and nastiness gave me great hope. After seeing what it used to be like a few years ago (which I didn't go on about in this post as I didn't want distractions from the second topic), I'd be happy to try to stay together for an OK marriage, with 'stale' but acceptable personal friendship and sex occasionally - say even once a month.
Yes for sure this is filling my own desires. I was just hoping that if we got back to it she would start liking it again & then sex would be something we both desired albeit in different amounts which I'm sure is common.



Jesus when I read what I have just written above I can't believe it's me writing it. I'm seem happy to have gotten to a stale/ok marriage😨. I left it there anyway rather than edit it.

LegacyUser

Yes Mickey - of course I'd envisage the sex as consenual - theres never be a suggestion of anything other than this. It ceryainly should be fun - I can't understand how such a fun, natural, healthy and necessary thing has gotten to be such an event that it requires degrees in psychology to undertstand the emotions, games, build-ups, consequences when it's not happening
I don't know what ever happened to a husband/wife just enjoying sex 1-2 times a week and it helping to bring them closer together.
In my relationship it's become almost like a bargaining chip - there's still none happening anyway, but the talk is all about you do this/this/this & maybe I'll feel like doing that (trouble is I've done the this/this/this but she's still finding every which way to avoid sex.)
I can see the whole sex thing is probably never going to be good between us unfortunately. I have to just see now is this the deal breaker & get out or if I can live with it

LegacyUser

thus gossip wrote: »

More often than not though the woman has fallen out of love or there are a lot of problems in the relationship so therefore the woman does not want to have sex with her partner. Even if a man can't stand his wife he'll often still want to have sex with her and it's nothing to do with fulfilling her desires but his own.

Yes - it's fairly obvious she's fallen out of love with me (a long long time ago TBH) & then me/her. But perhaps naievely I thought many people go through this & if you work at it & deal with it there's some chance of repairing things. That's what's been going on this year (IMO anyway).
And yes - these are my desires that I need to fulfill. I can do so even if the love isn't there - but I would have thought if we do it more and more often that maybe it would help the love come back, and it would generate some mroe desire on her part. I'm genuinely after a relationhsip & not just sex and I thought we were getting there, but it seems not.

LegacyUser

AnonThisTime wrote: »

Yes - you're absolutely right - she has fallen out of love with me (a very long time ago I'd say TBH) - and me with her. I just thought we could get it all going again & the reduction in arguments and nastiness gave me great hope. After seeing what it used to be like a few years ago (which I didn't go on about in this post as I didn't want distractions from the second topic), I'd be happy to try to stay together for an OK marriage, with 'stale' but acceptable personal friendship and sex occasionally - say even once a month.
Yes for sure this is filling my own desires. I was just hoping that if we got back to it she would start liking it again & then sex would be something we both desired albeit in different amounts which I'm sure is common.

I can understand what you're saying and it would be great if it did work out like that but unfortunately I think for many women once they fall out of love and stop having sex then even if the couple manage to get on well and maybe some kind of love comes back it will be like a brother/sisterly love rather than being 'in love'...and I don't know if the sexual side of a marriage can come back once you have that kind of relationship.

LegacyUser

I don't normally post here so I've used an anon name this time as I'm normally a private person!

I'm female and over the past 2/3 years I had no interest in sex, it didn't mean that I wasn't in love with my husband, we're married 15 years. I was constantly finding excuses not to have sex and even had my husband sleeping in the other room most nights.

We have two children, and decided that our family was finished, not that we could afford more anyway. I had horrendus pregnancies and deliveries, I also had several miscarriages and a still born. Because I was so afraid of getting pregnant I was taking the pill. Earlier this year because of another health problem I had to come off the pill, I asked my husband if he would consider a vasectomy, he had no problem as he agrees our family is complete. Since he had the procedure I have been more relaxed and we have been enjoying sex again as if we were teenagers.

Anyway the reason I tell you all of this is because (a) the contraceptive pill had killed my sex drive and (b) after my past experiences I was so afraid of getting pregnant that I couldn't relax and enjoy sex.

I was just wondering if this could be the problem for your wife? are there underlying psychological problems?

I hope you can both sort it out, be open with each other. There were reasons you got married, those reasons don't just disappear!!!

LegacyUser

Hi TryingToBeHelpful,

Thanks for the comments - its been a while since I posted as guess I was trying to put this to the back of my mind.
My wife also had difficult births & maybe that's a part of the problem - however she never went on the pill. It was up to me always to use condoms. I'd be happy enough to have a vasectomy if we were having sex & was asked to do so at one stage - but I'd feel better about it if I saw us having sex a couple of times a month and then go and get it done - I really feel I'd end up getting this done and there'd still be no sex.

I'm very close to bailing out now anyway - I think it's all done. Christmas is just over & no improvement in sex life and a huge dis-improvement in moods.

Psychological problems?? well I think there is some - but they're not causing a problem for her so she's not dealing with them. TBH I think it is really just a relationship that's gone stale and ran it's course and she finds me annoying to be with, or unattractive, or just has moved on from desiring sex to seeing it as something dirty/messy/embarrassing/tiring.

Awful shame that 2 people can't just get along with each other & work together for something worth saving - I can't understand it!

As for the reasons we got married... of course you'd imagine they would still be there but a few months ago during a calm discussion she did let it slip that all those years ago I was the guy who had the good job and enjoyed having the craic with nephews and nieces -maybe the 'baby machine blinkers' might have been on & that made me more attractive than I may have otherwise been. But of course we had fun and enjoyed each other's company then - not any more though.