People asking women when they will have children

whatismyname

Thought this was worth a share, although no doubt you may have already seen it.

A Facebook message urging people not to plague women with questions about when they will have children has gone viral.

Emily Bingham, a freelance writer based in Michigan, called on people to stop probing women about their fertility, warning that comments from friends, family or strangers can be upsetting when a woman's circumstances are not known.

The post has been shared nearly 40,000 times, with scores of people applauding what she has said.

Beneath an image of an ultrasound scan Ms Bingham wrote: “This is just a friendly P.S.A. that people's reproductive and procreative plans and decisions are none of your business. NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.”

“Before you ask the young married couple that has been together for seemingly forever when they are finally gonna start a family ... before you ask the parents of an only-child toddler when a Little Brother or Little Sister will be in the works ... before you ask a single 30-something if/when s/he plans on having children because, you know, clock's ticking ... just stop.”

“You don't know who is struggling with infertility or grieving a miscarriage or dealing with health issues. You don't know who is having relationship problems or is under a lot of stress or the timing just isn't right.”

“You don't know who is on the fence about having kids or having more kids. You don't know who has decided it's not for them right now, or not for them ever.”

“You don't know how your seemingly innocent question might cause someone grief, pain, stress or frustration… from my own experiences and hearing about many friends' experiences -- it more than likely does.”

More at http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/womans-facebook-rant-against-people-who-ask-women-when-they-will-have-children-goes-viral-a6670596.html

I definitely agree.

No doubt people's intentions are almost always harmless, but you never know what people may be going through, or the reasons they may not yet be having children.

If the person was planning to have kids, or was pregnant, and wanted you to know, I'm sure they would be telling you.

I also feel similarly about often being asked if I've met a men yet. This was by one particular relative every time I saw her. 'Eh, no, still haven't managed that one. Thanks so much for the reminder. I'll be sure to let you know when I do. That's if you don't ask me first'.

Yep, people's intentions no doubt almost always good, but we never know what may be going on behind the scenes.

I first came across the above, when it was shared by a friend who had very recently announced that she is pregnant. She shared it with the words 'very true'.

It's not something that I would have ever even thought of asking her (yep, none of my business), but if she and her husband were having problems conceiving (or any other of the above) and it was a question she'd been getting asked, it would definitely sadden me, as it's the last thing she would have needed. So, I'm definitely pleased if it got people thinking a bit.

hatrickpatrick

Do people actually DO this? I always assumed it was just a TV trope. It's none of anyone's f*cking business, any more than "when was your last period" or "when did you last remortgage your gaff".

eviltwin

Even when you're a parent they still ask you and not just women. People regularly ask us when, not if, we are having another. I just find it so rude.

Fr_Dougal

Now it's official! It is published in the media. Facebook has just released his entry price: € 5,99 to keep the subscription gold of your status of life "private". If you paste this message on your page, it will be offered free (I said paste not share) if not tomorrow, all your posts can become public. Even the messages that have been deleted or the photos not allowed. After all, it does not cost anything for a simple copy and paste..

whatismyname

hatrickpatrick wrote: »

Do people actually DO this?

In my experience yes definitely.

Between 'so will you be having a little brother or sister for X?' or 'will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?' I'd imagine it's fairly common.

My guess is that it may be more common in older generation, but that's just a feeling really

whatismyname

Fr_Dougal wrote: »

Now it's official! It is published in the media. Facebook has just released his entry price: € 5,99 to keep the subscription gold of your status of life "private". If you paste this message on your page, it will be offered free (I said paste not share) if not tomorrow, all your posts can become public. Even the messages that have been deleted or the photos not allowed. After all, it does not cost anything for a simple copy and paste..

I'd say it's the Facebook thread over in Rants and Raving is probably more what you're looking for

Ruu

Married 11 years and we still get asked, take the hint, it's not happening!

Brian from Bray

People should mind their own ****ing business.

XxMCRxBabyxX

I saw this video a while ago which is very much on the same topic. I was never one to follow people like Tyra and Chrissy but they did make me think. It must be incredibly difficult to be going through the process of trying for a child, and unfortunately failing, and then hear people all around essentially asking why you don't have a (or another) child. Why is it every even anyone else's business?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qoCO06M1Mzs

mikeym

The other half gets pissed off when people ask her that question.

smiley girl

I am with the other half 12 years and I am constantly being asked when I am having a child. The look on some peoples faces can be hilarious when I just say 'I'm not' One Indian man even went so far as to ask is it because God doesn't want me to have one? When I said it was just my choice he said that was the maddest thing he ever heard. :eek:

Dave_The_Sheep

At any christening or wedding: "You'll be next!" *chortle*

Yeah. Hilarious. Every ****ing time.

whatdoicare

I can confirm that not only does this happen, complete strangers, neighbours, friends, family and distant relatives actually get quite aggressive about it!

It took 3 years for me to get pregnant with 2 of those years being filled with despair and jealousy and a whole host of awful emotions and stress. Nobody knew we were going through that and how hard it was for us!

What made all that infinitely worse was people constantly asking us when we were having a baby or even worse....guessing if I was pregnant or not !

It was flipping awful! It was nearly every day too - not just a once here and there. Family gatherings were an absolute nightmare! Do you know how hard it is when every time you go to say anything someone excitedly interrupts you to announce that could the news be that you're pregnant! Or if you aren't drinking or gain a bit of weight it's - "oooh, have we some news??"

I thought it would all end once I had my little one but no - she wasn't a week old and everyone was telling me "don't be leaving her an only child now!" or similar! It was mortifing, my body hadn't even recovered yet and I was frazzeled and stressed! Another baby was the last thing on my mind! Even my gp (who knew exactly what we had gone through) said it us at the first of the vaccinations - "start trying again straight away seeing as it took ye so long the last time!" My husband burst out laughing at the shock of that!

Now 2 years down the line we're back to people demanding we have another or guessing if I am preggers or not! I'm an angrier woman now so some people have gotten a PFO!

c_man

A Facebook message urging people not to plague women with questions about when they will have children has gone viral.

Never, ever heard a man ask a woman this. Can you even imagine the bollocking?

Miss Demeanour

Dave_The_Sheep wrote: »

At any christening or wedding: "You'll be next!" *chortle*

Yeah. Hilarious. Every ****ing time.

Do the same to them at funerals.....

I find the mothers of women I went to school with stopping me on the street to tell me that their daughters are married and living in such a place and have so many children.

Then they will land the 'you had better hurry up' Cue hilarious laughter from the auld biddy's. I find a quick 'I like my vagina as it is' shuts them up.

StonyIron

A female friend of mine responds by asking them (as it's mostly often middle aged women) if they've hit the menopause yet.

It's usually a good conversation stopper.

We had our first at the age of 40, after 12 years of marriage. Nothing was ever said, maybe there was in the first couple of years, I think after a few years people possibly assumed we weren't or couldn't and were tactful about it. If it had been said I would simply have asked why did it bother them.

cowboyBuilder

smiley girl wrote: »

I am with the other half 12 years and I am constantly being asked when I am having a child. The look on some peoples faces can be hilarious when I just say 'I'm not' One Indian man even went so far as to ask is it because God doesn't want me to have one? When I said it was just my choice he said that was the maddest thing he ever heard. :eek:

He sounds like a right fúcking moron ..

OneOfThem

Ah I'd probably be more in the "ugh what's the big deal, get over it would you" camp here (I presume there will be camps of some description?). This might be a weird segway/comparison, not sure, but sure I've already started the sentence, so on I go. But it reminds me of a phrase I've heard (well read, not heard, because no one anywhere ever ever actually says these things, near as I can tell), 'hetero-normative', which means you shouldn't presume people are straight just cause the vast majority of people you meet are definitely going to be straight, guaranteed, because someone may think it's rude or something, and piddle their knickers.

No, no, bare with me, I implore you (if that is in fact a word). What I'm saying is, look, most people of a certain age bracket, and/or in certain social situations want to have children, are capable of having children, and go on to have them. If you don't want any or can't or whatever you're unusual, and in a minority, and of course people are going to presume you're not. And like you say OP, there's usually good intentions or at the very least not bad ones.

So what's the most reasonable thing here as we move forward and venture out into the world?

Insist people don't ask people that got married a year ago if they're likely to be starting a family soon? And don't ask if someone with one kid is planning to give them a little brother or sister?

Or do we just ask the people being asked to be grown ups about it and accept that it's just a harmless little question and deal with it?

I'm not sure I even agree with this post completely, but sure let's throw it out there and see what happens.

whatismyname

OneOfThem wrote: »

If you don't want any or can't or whatever you're unusual, and in a minority, and of course people are going to presume you're not. And like you say OP, there's usually good intentions or at the very least not bad ones.

Maybe unusual. Maybe a minority. But if someone's not yet had kids, there'll be a reason behind it, be it a conscious choice or very much the opposite, still some reason. If they want to tell the other people about that I'm sure they will.

So what's the most reasonable thing here as we move forward and venture out into the world?

For me, I'd say the most reasonable thing is for me to recognise myself and accept that the fertility or otherwise / child bearing habits of any other person are none of my business.

OneOfThem

whatismyname wrote: »

Maybe unusual. Maybe a minority. But if someone's not yet had kids, there'll be a reason behind it, be it a conscious choice or very much the opposite, still some reason. If they want to tell the other people about that I'm sure they will.



For me, I'd say the most reasonable thing is for me to recognise myself and accept that the fertility or otherwise of any other woman is none of my business.

You still working in the same place Whstismyname? You still going out with Whatshisname? Off on holidays anywhere nice this year? I swear I don't work for the NSA. But while these things are probably none of my business, we've already talked about how the coffee isn't as good here as it used to be, and I figured I'd ask something meaningful and personal, 'cause sure if we end up talking about the weather I think I may very well blow my brains out.

What's the is your business, not your business continuum here? Can I ask how your Mother is keeping even though she's old and may have developed some kind illness as elderly people are prone to doing? Can I ask about your job even though you may be on the verge of being laid off? Can I ask how things are going with Whatshisname even though he may be cheating on you?

Fierce mild out today altogether...

whatismyname

OneOfThem wrote: »

You still working in the same place Whstismyname? You still going out with Whatshisname? Off on holidays anywhere nice this year? I swear I don't work for the NSA.

I'd say it's not about the intention behind asking the question (nobody arguing them) but (potential) impact.

And for me, I can see that the nature of the question being discussed per the thread has a far greater likelihood to be very personal and very sensitive to the person being asked than the examples above. Plenty of examples of this in the original article. But I can also appreciate how others may view this differently.

stinkle

Yup it happens and isn't restricted to old people - started shortly after we were married, esp cos we were emigrating so I got wind of a few "hope they aren't too career focused and forget to have kids" comments. "They" of course being me. Yeah I didnt work my arse off in a badly paid job in a tough industry just to become a baby factory right now, thanks. Also, annoyingly, the same nosy folks are the same ones who would have been scandalised had I become pregnant before marriage. If we wanted kids that much we wouldnt have necessarily waited till we got married.

Also, everyone thinking they're fcuking HILARIOUS/really clever if they enquire why you might not be drinking or whatever. If a friend or family member was close enough to know such personal news, we'd just tell them rather than have them play some stupid guessing game.

whatismyname

stinkle wrote: »

Also, everyone thinking they're fcuking HILARIOUS/really clever if they enquire why you might not be drinking or whatever. If a friend or family member was close enough to know such personal news, we'd just tell them rather than have them play some stupid guessing game.

Oh yes!

I know someone who doesn't drink, but in certain companies she will pretend she's drinking vodka and orange rather than just orange, cos she's learned of a likelihood of discussions starting that she's pregnant.

Just because - shock horror - a woman is not drinking alcohol.

stinkle

whatismyname wrote: »

Oh yes!

I know someone who doesn't drink, but in certain companies she will pretend she's drinking vodka and orange rather than just orange, cos she's learned of a likelihood of discussions starting that she's pregnant.

Just because - shock horror - a woman is not drinking alcohol.

Yeah Ive done stuff like that, or maybe caved and had one glass of wine and just sipped it all night rather than face uncomfortable questions. I dont like attention at the best of times anyway, and being in a crappy position of having to deny a (non-existent) pregnancy is really awkward

lulu1

We were married for years before we had children not through choice i might add. we didnt get too many comments except for one man.

Did yous buy the pram yet?? I see a lovely pram is a shop window in town. This went on and on. We said nothing because we knew he meant no harm but boy was it annoying

Filmer Paradise

As Dinny used to say to Biddy in Glenroe;

'Anthin' sturrin' yet?'

smiley girl

cowboyBuilder wrote: »

He sounds like a right fúcking moron ..

I had always thought he was alright, but even though he was smiling as he said it I did feel creeped out. The maddest thing for me was, I only asked for a burger and chips in his takeaway :P

smiley girl

c_man wrote: »

Never, ever heard a man ask a woman this. Can you even imagine the bollocking?

You would be surprised, I always thought it was just the old men who asked but over the past year 2 men who are new to fatherhood themselves have asked me. They probably wouldn't bat an eyelid if I told them I was a lesbian but because I am a woman of 'childbearing age' in a relationship with a man I'm fair game for those questions.

Isla

I was asked if I was planning any more children the day after I started to miscarry. I so wanted to reply 'I'm actually miscarrying no.2 right now!' but instead I just said 'hopefully someday'. I didn't want him to feel as bad as I did at that minute. He had no idea how upsetting that was, and although he was a lovely person and a fantastic colleague I will always remember him for this moment.

Spanish Eyes

Did anyone ask a man the question about kids in the link in the OP?

This is just another way to control women.

whatismyname

Isla wrote: »

I was asked if I was planning any more children the day after I started to miscarry. I so wanted to reply 'I'm actually miscarrying no.2 right now!' but instead I just said 'hopefully someday'. I didn't want him to feel as bad as I did at that minute. He had no idea how upsetting that was, and although he was a lovely person and a fantastic colleague I will always remember him for this moment.

That must have been so difficult. I'm sorry for your loss Isla.

stinkle

smiley girl wrote: »

You would be surprised, I always thought it was just the old men who asked but over the past year 2 men who are new to fatherhood themselves have asked me. They probably wouldn't bat an eyelid if I told them I was a lesbian but because I am a woman of 'childbearing age' in a relationship with a man I'm fair game for those questions.

Oh no the New Dad Brigade! Motto: We've spawned (but did very little actual hard work to get there), now must remind everyone at every opportunity :pac:

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

OneOfThem wrote: »

No, no, bare with me, I implore you (if that is in fact a word). What I'm saying is, look, most people of a certain age bracket, and/or in certain social situations want to have children, are capable of having children, and go on to have them. If you don't want any or can't or whatever you're unusual, and in a minority, and of course people are going to presume you're not. And like you say OP, there's usually good intentions or at the very least not bad ones.

Sure it's reasonable to assume that anyone you're talking to probably took a dump this morning, but you wouldn't ask how that went. It's reasonable to assume that a married woman is having sex but you wouldn't ask 'come here now, what size is his dick anyway?'. Most people earn money, but asking someone the details of how much they earn is generally considered nosy and rude.

There are plenty things that everyone or most people do that aren't considered other people's business. And the potential to cause hurt by asking about kids is pretty significant. How difficult is it for people to not be nosy about it?

Toto Wolfcastle

We were only asked once. We ignored the question and moved the conversation on. The person had no idea that we were undergoing treatment, nor do they have any idea that it has since ended unsuccessfully. I'm dying for them to ask us again though so I can tell them that we can't have kids the way we do it.

The Backwards Man

I still get asked what I want to be when I grow up.

Spanish Eyes

Back to Facebook with all this now.

This place is not for that kind of discussion I think.

But beat me down now anyway.

Isla

whatismyname wrote: »

That must have been so difficult. I'm sorry for your loss Isla.

Thank you. It was the weirdest thing, no one (apart from my husband) knew what I was going through it but I was grieving. I hadn't told anyone I was pregnant so to begin by telling everyone I was having a miscarriage seemed odd to me. You just can't imagine what's going on so it's best to err on the side of caution & just not speculate

Filmer Paradise

I'm sure most people ask just to make conversation really. Not to be rude or anything.

It used to be the thing to ask a young couple in years gone by & not many minded being asked.

Nowadays young couples are not as young as they were back then & sometimes have problems having kids.

This is a relatively new thing & a lot of people just haven't cottoned on to it.

stinkle

Filmer Paradise wrote: »

I'm sure most people ask just to make conversation really. Not to be rude or anything.

It used to be the thing to ask a young couple in years gone by & not many minded being asked.

Nowadays young couples are not as young as they were back then & sometimes have problems having kids.and

This is a relatively new thing & a lot of people just haven't cottoned on to it.

not really,my parents had almost ten years of trying before I was born. This was in the 70s and everyone had to give their two cents. They were young getting married too.

Filmer Paradise

stinkle wrote: »

not really,my parents had almost ten years of trying before I was born. This was in the 70s and everyone had to give their two cents. They were young getting married too.

In the main a couple married in their early 20's would have no problem though.

Of course there would be exeptions to that.

stinkle

Filmer Paradise wrote: »

In the main a couple married in their early 20's would have no problem though.

Of course there would be exeptions to that.

infertility isnt a new thing though

whatismyname

stinkle wrote: »

infertility isnt a new thing though

yes, and there are many other reasons it could be a sensitive issue also

Filmer Paradise

stinkle wrote: »

infertility isnt a new thing though

Never said that.

What I did say was that it was less of an issue when couples married sooner. 20/30 years ago it was quite common for the bride to be 25 or younger.

Nowadays it's closer 30/35. Of course the whole issue of fertility is going to be more of a challenge in more cases nowadays.

Isla

Filmer Paradise wrote: »

Of course the whole issue of fertility is going to be more of a challenge in more cases nowadays.

Of course the whole point is that regardless of the frequency or infrequency of an event you should not ask after topics which could be intensely sensitive

stinkle

Filmer Paradise wrote: »

Never said that.

What I did say was that it was less of an issue when couples married sooner. 20/30 years ago it was quite common for the bride to be 25 or younger.

Nowadays it's closer 30/35. Of course the whole issue of fertility is going to be more of a challenge in more cases nowadays.

You said something was a relatively new thing, apologies if I took you up wrong. Regardless, if you're infertile in the olden days at 20 there was feckall treatment available unlike now. If your bits didn't work then, that was it. No matter if you started trying at 16 or 40.

People may be older starting families now but are more informed about advances in fertility treatments, and also issues that may show up from teens onwards like pcos, endometriosis etc that can be identified as possible cause for concern in future.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Filmer Paradise wrote: »

Never said that.

What I did say was that it was less of an issue when couples married sooner. 20/30 years ago it was quite common for the bride to be 25 or younger.

Nowadays it's closer 30/35. Of course the whole issue of fertility is going to be more of a challenge in more cases nowadays.

I'd say if most people who've innocently asked a couple who've miscarried or who have recently found out they won't be able to have kids knew how badly they'd just put their foot in their mouth they'd be mortified. I think that's kind of the point of the OP and the viral message it was talking about: THINK before you ask that question.

There's also the fact that if you just don't want to have kids, that's often basically 'the wrong answer' and people can get mighty rude and patronising mighty quick.

Filmer Paradise

Isla wrote: »

Of course the whole point is that regardless of the frequency or infrequency of an event you should not ask after topics which could be intensely sensitive

I agree. I wouldn't ask either, but I can see the other side of it too.

Before I had kids I wouldn't have thought twice of asking.

Myself & the missus had 2 kids in our 30s, no problem. We went for the third & after 2 miscarriages, we knew time had beaten us.

I'm just trying to add some balance to the topic, having seen both sides of the story.

Pat Mustard

Spanish Eyes wrote: »

Did anyone ask a man the question about kids in the link in the OP?

This is just another way to control women.

Yes, indeed. Last week, I asked a friend of mine when he was due.

He told me to fcuk off.

Apparently he is not pregnant.

Funny old world.

whatismyname

Filmer Paradise wrote: »

I agree. I wouldn't ask either, but I can see the other side of it too.

Before I had kids I wouldn't have thought twice of asking.

Myself & the missus had 2 kids in our 30s, no problem. We went for the third & after 2 miscarriages, we knew time had beaten us.

I'm just trying to add some balance to the topic, having seen both sides of the story.

I get the feeling that people generally do recognise that the person asking may not have thought twice about the implications though - hence the person in the article writing the post to try to raise awareness. (and of course that the person almost certainly has good intentions)