People asking women when they will have children

Spanish Eyes · 01-10-2015 12:17AM

Did anyone ask a man the question about kids in the link in the OP?

This is just another way to control women.

whatismyname · 01-10-2015 12:17AM

Isla wrote: »

I was asked if I was planning any more children the day after I started to miscarry. I so wanted to reply 'I'm actually miscarrying no.2 right now!' but instead I just said 'hopefully someday'. I didn't want him to feel as bad as I did at that minute. He had no idea how upsetting that was, and although he was a lovely person and a fantastic colleague I will always remember him for this moment.

That must have been so difficult. I'm sorry for your loss Isla.

stinkle · 01-10-2015 12:23AM

smiley girl wrote: »

You would be surprised, I always thought it was just the old men who asked but over the past year 2 men who are new to fatherhood themselves have asked me. They probably wouldn't bat an eyelid if I told them I was a lesbian but because I am a woman of 'childbearing age' in a relationship with a man I'm fair game for those questions.

Oh no the New Dad Brigade! Motto: We've spawned (but did very little actual hard work to get there), now must remind everyone at every opportunity :pac:

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 01-10-2015 12:26AM

OneOfThem wrote: »

No, no, bare with me, I implore you (if that is in fact a word). What I'm saying is, look, most people of a certain age bracket, and/or in certain social situations want to have children, are capable of having children, and go on to have them. If you don't want any or can't or whatever you're unusual, and in a minority, and of course people are going to presume you're not. And like you say OP, there's usually good intentions or at the very least not bad ones.

Sure it's reasonable to assume that anyone you're talking to probably took a dump this morning, but you wouldn't ask how that went. It's reasonable to assume that a married woman is having sex but you wouldn't ask 'come here now, what size is his dick anyway?'. Most people earn money, but asking someone the details of how much they earn is generally considered nosy and rude.

There are plenty things that everyone or most people do that aren't considered other people's business. And the potential to cause hurt by asking about kids is pretty significant. How difficult is it for people to not be nosy about it?

Toto Wolfcastle · 01-10-2015 12:27AM

We were only asked once. We ignored the question and moved the conversation on. The person had no idea that we were undergoing treatment, nor do they have any idea that it has since ended unsuccessfully. I'm dying for them to ask us again though so I can tell them that we can't have kids the way we do it.

The Backwards Man · 01-10-2015 12:28AM

I still get asked what I want to be when I grow up.

Spanish Eyes · 01-10-2015 12:34AM

Back to Facebook with all this now.

This place is not for that kind of discussion I think.

But beat me down now anyway.

Isla · 01-10-2015 12:35AM

whatismyname wrote: »

That must have been so difficult. I'm sorry for your loss Isla.

Thank you. It was the weirdest thing, no one (apart from my husband) knew what I was going through it but I was grieving. I hadn't told anyone I was pregnant so to begin by telling everyone I was having a miscarriage seemed odd to me. You just can't imagine what's going on so it's best to err on the side of caution & just not speculate

Filmer Paradise · 01-10-2015 12:37AM

I'm sure most people ask just to make conversation really. Not to be rude or anything.

It used to be the thing to ask a young couple in years gone by & not many minded being asked.

Nowadays young couples are not as young as they were back then & sometimes have problems having kids.

This is a relatively new thing & a lot of people just haven't cottoned on to it.

stinkle · 01-10-2015 12:41AM

Filmer Paradise wrote: »

I'm sure most people ask just to make conversation really. Not to be rude or anything.

It used to be the thing to ask a young couple in years gone by & not many minded being asked.

Nowadays young couples are not as young as they were back then & sometimes have problems having kids.and

This is a relatively new thing & a lot of people just haven't cottoned on to it.

not really,my parents had almost ten years of trying before I was born. This was in the 70s and everyone had to give their two cents. They were young getting married too.

Filmer Paradise · 01-10-2015 12:47AM

stinkle wrote: »

not really,my parents had almost ten years of trying before I was born. This was in the 70s and everyone had to give their two cents. They were young getting married too.

In the main a couple married in their early 20's would have no problem though.

Of course there would be exeptions to that.

stinkle · 01-10-2015 12:51AM

Filmer Paradise wrote: »

In the main a couple married in their early 20's would have no problem though.

Of course there would be exeptions to that.

infertility isnt a new thing though

whatismyname · 01-10-2015 12:52AM

stinkle wrote: »

infertility isnt a new thing though

yes, and there are many other reasons it could be a sensitive issue also

Filmer Paradise · 01-10-2015 12:57AM

stinkle wrote: »

infertility isnt a new thing though

Never said that.

What I did say was that it was less of an issue when couples married sooner. 20/30 years ago it was quite common for the bride to be 25 or younger.

Nowadays it's closer 30/35. Of course the whole issue of fertility is going to be more of a challenge in more cases nowadays.

Isla · 01-10-2015 01:00AM

Filmer Paradise wrote: »

Of course the whole issue of fertility is going to be more of a challenge in more cases nowadays.

Of course the whole point is that regardless of the frequency or infrequency of an event you should not ask after topics which could be intensely sensitive

stinkle · 01-10-2015 01:03AM

Filmer Paradise wrote: »

Never said that.

What I did say was that it was less of an issue when couples married sooner. 20/30 years ago it was quite common for the bride to be 25 or younger.

Nowadays it's closer 30/35. Of course the whole issue of fertility is going to be more of a challenge in more cases nowadays.

You said something was a relatively new thing, apologies if I took you up wrong. Regardless, if you're infertile in the olden days at 20 there was feckall treatment available unlike now. If your bits didn't work then, that was it. No matter if you started trying at 16 or 40.

People may be older starting families now but are more informed about advances in fertility treatments, and also issues that may show up from teens onwards like pcos, endometriosis etc that can be identified as possible cause for concern in future.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 01-10-2015 01:07AM

Filmer Paradise wrote: »

Never said that.

What I did say was that it was less of an issue when couples married sooner. 20/30 years ago it was quite common for the bride to be 25 or younger.

Nowadays it's closer 30/35. Of course the whole issue of fertility is going to be more of a challenge in more cases nowadays.

I'd say if most people who've innocently asked a couple who've miscarried or who have recently found out they won't be able to have kids knew how badly they'd just put their foot in their mouth they'd be mortified. I think that's kind of the point of the OP and the viral message it was talking about: THINK before you ask that question.

There's also the fact that if you just don't want to have kids, that's often basically 'the wrong answer' and people can get mighty rude and patronising mighty quick.

Filmer Paradise · 01-10-2015 01:11AM

Isla wrote: »

Of course the whole point is that regardless of the frequency or infrequency of an event you should not ask after topics which could be intensely sensitive

I agree. I wouldn't ask either, but I can see the other side of it too.

Before I had kids I wouldn't have thought twice of asking.

Myself & the missus had 2 kids in our 30s, no problem. We went for the third & after 2 miscarriages, we knew time had beaten us.

I'm just trying to add some balance to the topic, having seen both sides of the story.

Pat Mustard · 01-10-2015 01:16AM

Spanish Eyes wrote: »

Did anyone ask a man the question about kids in the link in the OP?

This is just another way to control women.

Yes, indeed. Last week, I asked a friend of mine when he was due.

He told me to fcuk off.

Apparently he is not pregnant.

Funny old world.

whatismyname · 01-10-2015 01:20AM

Filmer Paradise wrote: »

I agree. I wouldn't ask either, but I can see the other side of it too.

Before I had kids I wouldn't have thought twice of asking.

Myself & the missus had 2 kids in our 30s, no problem. We went for the third & after 2 miscarriages, we knew time had beaten us.

I'm just trying to add some balance to the topic, having seen both sides of the story.

I get the feeling that people generally do recognise that the person asking may not have thought twice about the implications though - hence the person in the article writing the post to try to raise awareness. (and of course that the person almost certainly has good intentions)

Filmer Paradise · 01-10-2015 01:38AM

whatismyname wrote: »

I get the feeling that people generally do recognise that the person asking may not have thought twice about the implications though - hence the person in the article writing the post to try to raise awareness. (and of course that the person almost certainly has good intentions)

True. It just seems to apply to more couples now.

More people including women have access to third level education now. If you want to travel abroad, it's cheaper nowadays.

In short. The young people of today have more choice to do so much when their in their 20s than ever before.

Before they know it they're in their 30s before they even think of having a family.

This is probably a different way of looking at the issue & there's maybe a new thread to be started about it.

All I know is that this is becoming more of an issue with couples than it was a few years ago & there could be a wider set of issues at stake here.

Tarzana2 · 01-10-2015 05:06AM

OneOfThem wrote: »

So what's the most reasonable thing here as we move forward and venture out into the world?

Insist people don't ask people that got married a year ago if they're likely to be starting a family soon?

Yes.

Anyway, you're just playing devil's advocate so bleh.

Novella · 01-10-2015 05:36AM

I had my first baby eleven days ago and I've already been asked several times, "Will you have another one?". The birth of my daughter was quite traumatic and while I look fine to people so I'm sure they think nothing of asking, I am actually dealing with a number of postpartum health issues and having another baby is the furthest thing from my mind.

Plus seriously, ELEVEN DAYS.

lilmissprincess · 01-10-2015 05:57AM

I've got an 18 month old and from the time he was about 3/4 months old people started asking when I was going to have another one. It's now turned into "Ah, you can't leave him an only child". I am crap at pregnancy, am still suffering from PND and can't keep up with the one I have. I can leave him an only child if I like, he's got good social skills from having his little friends in creche, stay out of my uterus!!

wat24 · 01-10-2015 06:18AM

Someone asked me once did I have any news and looked at my stomach (I'd put on a bit of weight) so I said yes I'm having bowel problems and bloating. Shut them up quite well

stinkle · 01-10-2015 06:33AM

Novella wrote: »

I had my first baby eleven days ago and I've already been asked several times, "Will you have another one?". The birth of my daughter was quite traumatic and while I look fine to people so I'm sure they think nothing of asking, I am actually dealing with a number of postpartum health issues and having another baby is the furthest thing from my mind.

Plus seriously, ELEVEN DAYS.

Congratulations!!!

youve reminded me of when I went to visit a friend about 3 weeks after she'd had a ridiculously large baby (her first) - traumatic labour, last-minute caesaerian, baby and mother in distress, antibiotics after and the usual 6 weeks of post-MAJOR SURGERY issues not being able to do much and post partum hormones. I deliberately waited a while till I was told it was totally ok to come over, and she was at pains to say how everyone was wondering about number two (almost to pre-empt any thick questions I might have come out with) and how the baby was more than enough at the moment. I was flabbegasted at the insensitivity of people. It was clear she could barely move, let alone think of having another! Let her enjoy the new baby. Same goes for newlyweds - let them enjoy that together time doing what they want to do instead of assuming ring=magic mating device.

ButtersSuki · 01-10-2015 06:34AM

My wife and I are married just over 7 years, we get this at least once a week. For the last year or do she has been saying the following:

Jesus hasn't blessed us with that special gift just yet.

Depending on the audience, I have said that too....or the following:

You can't get pregnant up the ass.

The key is not actually the words, but the delivery. In both cases we have mastered saying our chosen catchphrase in a completely deadpan manner. Both are conversation- killers, but I honestly believe people are more upset with the Jesus reference than anything else.

R.D. aka MR.D · 01-10-2015 06:46AM

Men who choose to not have children do get asked this and it is annoying for them, too. My OH gets it quite a bit especially from his family.

It's annoying and people should think before they speak. I'm lucky because I'm making the choice not to have children but I can't even begin to imagine what it's like for people who can't have them.

It's nothing to blow your top over and usually a 'why do you ask?' or 'We're not having any' will change the subject with normal people. If people are more insistent or start with the 'you'll change your mind', it's best to give them a frank answer even if it offends them.

I can't wait until my OH finally gets the snip and I can just say that. Surely that will stop people!!

ButtersSuki · 01-10-2015 07:05AM

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

I can't wait until my OH finally gets the snip and I can just say that. Surely that will stop people!!

It won't.

01-10-2015 07:05AM

I know so so many couple who have and are struggling with fertility issues, so many in my close circle of friends and family, so based on my experience, it is a much much more common issue than people acknowledge.

Another question I personally avoid is "is it your first?", I understand why some people will think that's over sensitive, but if you've been through what I've been through and been asked the questions I've been asked and had to give the answers I've had to give, you'd understand why it's a question best avoided.

People asking women when they will have children

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