People asking women when they will have children

whatismyname · 30-09-2015 10:29PM #1

Thought this was worth a share, although no doubt you may have already seen it.

A Facebook message urging people not to plague women with questions about when they will have children has gone viral.

Emily Bingham, a freelance writer based in Michigan, called on people to stop probing women about their fertility, warning that comments from friends, family or strangers can be upsetting when a woman's circumstances are not known.

The post has been shared nearly 40,000 times, with scores of people applauding what she has said.

Beneath an image of an ultrasound scan Ms Bingham wrote: “This is just a friendly P.S.A. that people's reproductive and procreative plans and decisions are none of your business. NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.”

“Before you ask the young married couple that has been together for seemingly forever when they are finally gonna start a family ... before you ask the parents of an only-child toddler when a Little Brother or Little Sister will be in the works ... before you ask a single 30-something if/when s/he plans on having children because, you know, clock's ticking ... just stop.”

“You don't know who is struggling with infertility or grieving a miscarriage or dealing with health issues. You don't know who is having relationship problems or is under a lot of stress or the timing just isn't right.”

“You don't know who is on the fence about having kids or having more kids. You don't know who has decided it's not for them right now, or not for them ever.”

“You don't know how your seemingly innocent question might cause someone grief, pain, stress or frustration… from my own experiences and hearing about many friends' experiences -- it more than likely does.”

More at http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/womans-facebook-rant-against-people-who-ask-women-when-they-will-have-children-goes-viral-a6670596.html

I definitely agree.

No doubt people's intentions are almost always harmless, but you never know what people may be going through, or the reasons they may not yet be having children.

If the person was planning to have kids, or was pregnant, and wanted you to know, I'm sure they would be telling you.

I also feel similarly about often being asked if I've met a men yet. This was by one particular relative every time I saw her. 'Eh, no, still haven't managed that one. Thanks so much for the reminder. I'll be sure to let you know when I do. That's if you don't ask me first'.

Yep, people's intentions no doubt almost always good, but we never know what may be going on behind the scenes.

I first came across the above, when it was shared by a friend who had very recently announced that she is pregnant. She shared it with the words 'very true'.

It's not something that I would have ever even thought of asking her (yep, none of my business), but if she and her husband were having problems conceiving (or any other of the above) and it was a question she'd been getting asked, it would definitely sadden me, as it's the last thing she would have needed. So, I'm definitely pleased if it got people thinking a bit.

hatrickpatrick · 30-09-2015 10:31PM

Do people actually DO this? I always assumed it was just a TV trope. It's none of anyone's f*cking business, any more than "when was your last period" or "when did you last remortgage your gaff".

eviltwin · 30-09-2015 10:31PM

Even when you're a parent they still ask you and not just women. People regularly ask us when, not if, we are having another. I just find it so rude.

Fr_Dougal · 30-09-2015 10:38PM

Now it's official! It is published in the media. Facebook has just released his entry price: € 5,99 to keep the subscription gold of your status of life "private". If you paste this message on your page, it will be offered free (I said paste not share) if not tomorrow, all your posts can become public. Even the messages that have been deleted or the photos not allowed. After all, it does not cost anything for a simple copy and paste..

whatismyname · 30-09-2015 10:39PM

hatrickpatrick wrote: »

Do people actually DO this?

In my experience yes definitely.

Between 'so will you be having a little brother or sister for X?' or 'will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?' I'd imagine it's fairly common.

My guess is that it may be more common in older generation, but that's just a feeling really

whatismyname · 30-09-2015 10:49PM

Fr_Dougal wrote: »

Now it's official! It is published in the media. Facebook has just released his entry price: € 5,99 to keep the subscription gold of your status of life "private". If you paste this message on your page, it will be offered free (I said paste not share) if not tomorrow, all your posts can become public. Even the messages that have been deleted or the photos not allowed. After all, it does not cost anything for a simple copy and paste..

I'd say it's the Facebook thread over in Rants and Raving is probably more what you're looking for

Ruu · 30-09-2015 10:50PM

Married 11 years and we still get asked, take the hint, it's not happening!

Brian from Bray · 30-09-2015 11:09PM

People should mind their own ****ing business.

XxMCRxBabyxX · 30-09-2015 11:10PM

I saw this video a while ago which is very much on the same topic. I was never one to follow people like Tyra and Chrissy but they did make me think. It must be incredibly difficult to be going through the process of trying for a child, and unfortunately failing, and then hear people all around essentially asking why you don't have a (or another) child. Why is it every even anyone else's business?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qoCO06M1Mzs

mikeym · 30-09-2015 11:13PM

The other half gets pissed off when people ask her that question.

smiley girl · 30-09-2015 11:16PM

I am with the other half 12 years and I am constantly being asked when I am having a child. The look on some peoples faces can be hilarious when I just say 'I'm not'

One Indian man even went so far as to ask is it because God doesn't want me to have one? When I said it was just my choice he said that was the maddest thing he ever heard. :eek:

Dave_The_Sheep · 30-09-2015 11:17PM

At any christening or wedding: "You'll be next!" *chortle*

Yeah. Hilarious. Every ****ing time.

whatdoicare · 30-09-2015 11:21PM

I can confirm that not only does this happen, complete strangers, neighbours, friends, family and distant relatives actually get quite aggressive about it!

It took 3 years for me to get pregnant with 2 of those years being filled with despair and jealousy and a whole host of awful emotions and stress. Nobody knew we were going through that and how hard it was for us!

What made all that infinitely worse was people constantly asking us when we were having a baby or even worse....guessing if I was pregnant or not

!

It was flipping awful! It was nearly every day too - not just a once here and there. Family gatherings were an absolute nightmare! Do you know how hard it is when every time you go to say anything someone excitedly interrupts you to announce that could the news be that you're pregnant! Or if you aren't drinking or gain a bit of weight it's - "oooh, have we some news??"

I thought it would all end once I had my little one but no - she wasn't a week old and everyone was telling me "don't be leaving her an only child now!" or similar! It was mortifing, my body hadn't even recovered yet and I was frazzeled and stressed! Another baby was the last thing on my mind! Even my gp (who knew exactly what we had gone through) said it us at the first of the vaccinations - "start trying again straight away seeing as it took ye so long the last time!" My husband burst out laughing at the shock of that!

Now 2 years down the line we're back to people demanding we have another or guessing if I am preggers or not! I'm an angrier woman now so some people have gotten a PFO!

c_man · 30-09-2015 11:24PM

A Facebook message urging people not to plague women with questions about when they will have children has gone viral.

Never, ever heard a man ask a woman this. Can you even imagine the bollocking?

Miss Demeanour · 30-09-2015 11:25PM

Dave_The_Sheep wrote: »

At any christening or wedding: "You'll be next!" *chortle*

Yeah. Hilarious. Every ****ing time.

Do the same to them at funerals.....

30-09-2015 11:25PM

I find the mothers of women I went to school with stopping me on the street to tell me that their daughters are married and living in such a place and have so many children.

Then they will land the 'you had better hurry up' Cue hilarious laughter from the auld biddy's. I find a quick 'I like my vagina as it is' shuts them up.

StonyIron · 30-09-2015 11:26PM

A female friend of mine responds by asking them (as it's mostly often middle aged women) if they've hit the menopause yet.

It's usually a good conversation stopper.

30-09-2015 11:27PM

We had our first at the age of 40, after 12 years of marriage. Nothing was ever said, maybe there was in the first couple of years, I think after a few years people possibly assumed we weren't or couldn't and were tactful about it. If it had been said I would simply have asked why did it bother them.

cowboyBuilder · 30-09-2015 11:27PM

smiley girl wrote: »

I am with the other half 12 years and I am constantly being asked when I am having a child. The look on some peoples faces can be hilarious when I just say 'I'm not' One Indian man even went so far as to ask is it because God doesn't want me to have one? When I said it was just my choice he said that was the maddest thing he ever heard. :eek:

He sounds like a right fúcking moron ..

OneOfThem · 30-09-2015 11:27PM

Ah I'd probably be more in the "ugh what's the big deal, get over it would you" camp here (I presume there will be camps of some description?). This might be a weird segway/comparison, not sure, but sure I've already started the sentence, so on I go. But it reminds me of a phrase I've heard (well read, not heard, because no one anywhere ever ever actually says these things, near as I can tell), 'hetero-normative', which means you shouldn't presume people are straight just cause the vast majority of people you meet are definitely going to be straight, guaranteed, because someone may think it's rude or something, and piddle their knickers.

No, no, bare with me, I implore you (if that is in fact a word). What I'm saying is, look, most people of a certain age bracket, and/or in certain social situations want to have children, are capable of having children, and go on to have them. If you don't want any or can't or whatever you're unusual, and in a minority, and of course people are going to presume you're not. And like you say OP, there's usually good intentions or at the very least not bad ones.

So what's the most reasonable thing here as we move forward and venture out into the world?

Insist people don't ask people that got married a year ago if they're likely to be starting a family soon? And don't ask if someone with one kid is planning to give them a little brother or sister?

Or do we just ask the people being asked to be grown ups about it and accept that it's just a harmless little question and deal with it?

I'm not sure I even agree with this post completely, but sure let's throw it out there and see what happens.

whatismyname · 30-09-2015 11:32PM

OneOfThem wrote: »

If you don't want any or can't or whatever you're unusual, and in a minority, and of course people are going to presume you're not. And like you say OP, there's usually good intentions or at the very least not bad ones.

Maybe unusual. Maybe a minority. But if someone's not yet had kids, there'll be a reason behind it, be it a conscious choice or very much the opposite, still some reason. If they want to tell the other people about that I'm sure they will.

So what's the most reasonable thing here as we move forward and venture out into the world?

For me, I'd say the most reasonable thing is for me to recognise myself and accept that the fertility or otherwise / child bearing habits of any other person are none of my business.

OneOfThem · 30-09-2015 11:35PM

whatismyname wrote: »

Maybe unusual. Maybe a minority. But if someone's not yet had kids, there'll be a reason behind it, be it a conscious choice or very much the opposite, still some reason. If they want to tell the other people about that I'm sure they will.

For me, I'd say the most reasonable thing is for me to recognise myself and accept that the fertility or otherwise of any other woman is none of my business.

You still working in the same place Whstismyname? You still going out with Whatshisname? Off on holidays anywhere nice this year? I swear I don't work for the NSA. But while these things are probably none of my business, we've already talked about how the coffee isn't as good here as it used to be, and I figured I'd ask something meaningful and personal, 'cause sure if we end up talking about the weather I think I may very well blow my brains out.

What's the is your business, not your business continuum here? Can I ask how your Mother is keeping even though she's old and may have developed some kind illness as elderly people are prone to doing? Can I ask about your job even though you may be on the verge of being laid off? Can I ask how things are going with Whatshisname even though he may be cheating on you?

Fierce mild out today altogether...

whatismyname · 30-09-2015 11:38PM

OneOfThem wrote: »

You still working in the same place Whstismyname? You still going out with Whatshisname? Off on holidays anywhere nice this year? I swear I don't work for the NSA.

I'd say it's not about the intention behind asking the question (nobody arguing them) but (potential) impact.

And for me, I can see that the nature of the question being discussed per the thread has a far greater likelihood to be very personal and very sensitive to the person being asked than the examples above. Plenty of examples of this in the original article. But I can also appreciate how others may view this differently.

stinkle · 30-09-2015 11:43PM

Yup it happens and isn't restricted to old people - started shortly after we were married, esp cos we were emigrating so I got wind of a few "hope they aren't too career focused and forget to have kids" comments. "They" of course being me. Yeah I didnt work my arse off in a badly paid job in a tough industry just to become a baby factory right now, thanks. Also, annoyingly, the same nosy folks are the same ones who would have been scandalised had I become pregnant before marriage. If we wanted kids that much we wouldnt have necessarily waited till we got married.

Also, everyone thinking they're fcuking HILARIOUS/really clever if they enquire why you might not be drinking or whatever. If a friend or family member was close enough to know such personal news, we'd just tell them rather than have them play some stupid guessing game.

whatismyname · 30-09-2015 11:46PM

stinkle wrote: »

Also, everyone thinking they're fcuking HILARIOUS/really clever if they enquire why you might not be drinking or whatever. If a friend or family member was close enough to know such personal news, we'd just tell them rather than have them play some stupid guessing game.

Oh yes!

I know someone who doesn't drink, but in certain companies she will pretend she's drinking vodka and orange rather than just orange, cos she's learned of a likelihood of discussions starting that she's pregnant.

Just because - shock horror - a woman is not drinking alcohol.

stinkle · 30-09-2015 11:49PM

whatismyname wrote: »

Oh yes!

I know someone who doesn't drink, but in certain companies she will pretend she's drinking vodka and orange rather than just orange, cos she's learned of a likelihood of discussions starting that she's pregnant.

Just because - shock horror - a woman is not drinking alcohol.

Yeah Ive done stuff like that, or maybe caved and had one glass of wine and just sipped it all night rather than face uncomfortable questions. I dont like attention at the best of times anyway, and being in a crappy position of having to deny a (non-existent) pregnancy is really awkward

lulu1 · 30-09-2015 11:50PM

We were married for years before we had children not through choice i might add. we didnt get too many comments except for one man.

Did yous buy the pram yet?? I see a lovely pram is a shop window in town. This went on and on. We said nothing because we knew he meant no harm but boy was it annoying

Filmer Paradise · 30-09-2015 11:56PM

As Dinny used to say to Biddy in Glenroe;

'Anthin' sturrin' yet?'

smiley girl · 01-10-2015 12:05AM

cowboyBuilder wrote: »

He sounds like a right fúcking moron ..

I had always thought he was alright, but even though he was smiling as he said it I did feel creeped out. The maddest thing for me was, I only asked for a burger and chips in his takeaway :P

smiley girl · 01-10-2015 12:09AM

c_man wrote: »

Never, ever heard a man ask a woman this. Can you even imagine the bollocking?

You would be surprised, I always thought it was just the old men who asked but over the past year 2 men who are new to fatherhood themselves have asked me. They probably wouldn't bat an eyelid if I told them I was a lesbian but because I am a woman of 'childbearing age' in a relationship with a man I'm fair game for those questions.

Isla · 01-10-2015 12:16AM

I was asked if I was planning any more children the day after I started to miscarry. I so wanted to reply 'I'm actually miscarrying no.2 right now!' but instead I just said 'hopefully someday'. I didn't want him to feel as bad as I did at that minute. He had no idea how upsetting that was, and although he was a lovely person and a fantastic colleague I will always remember him for this moment.

People asking women when they will have children

Comments