Our Best Man thinking of going to another wedding the day before

um7y1h83ge06nx

Quick question.

My brother, our Best Man is thinking of going to another wedding in Dublin the day before our wedding in Limerick.

Are we unreasonable in expecting him not to go to this other wedding? Being honest I'm a bit disappointed that he would be missing the day before. That and there is no guarantee what state he might be in the next day and when he might arrive.

Now I have only heard this the last day or two via my mother, handed chatted to him about it, but want to get some opinions before I do.

Addle

I think it's unreasonable to put unnecessary demands on his time.
He'll be there for your day.
Why do you think he should be around the day before?

solerina

If it was me I wouldn't mind in the slightest. I don't think you have right to tell a grown adult that he cannot attend a wedding, even the day before your wedding. I would however ask him not to get too drunk / take it easy so that he would be fresh for your big day !!

CaraMay

You would be very unreasonable to ask him not to go.

Afroshack

It's definitely unreasonable. He's a grown man, he can do whatever he wants on the day.

rainbowtrout

Honestly I don't think you're being unreasonable, and I think lots of things brides and grooms expect are unreasonable.

Of course he is an adult and can do what he likes with his free time, but as one of the immediate wedding party, I suppose if there is anything to be done the night before (bringing stuff to church, hotel) then maybe his help could be needed. And he has made a commitment to being one of the immediate wedding party. And then there is the logistics of it: if he is going to a wedding in Dublin as a guest, is he going all out and going to be drinking all day? Is he staying over? I'd assume he is given the distance. It's at least two hours drive from Dublin to Limerick. He has to allow that time to get back the next day and time to get ready before going to church/registry office. Is your wedding early or late? E.g. if your wedding is at 1pm, and you are at the church before the bride, then he has to take into account being at the church early, getting ready to go, and the drive beforehand? Would he be up and out and on the road to Limerick at say 9 am? Is he going with wife/girlfriend/date and expecting them to be up and on the road too?

Given his role in your wedding and the fact that he is your brother I don't think it's unreasonable to at least be asking what his plans are. I don't think it's groomzilla behaviour to expect that much from him if he's made a commitment to your wedding.

lazygal

Our best man didn't do much before the day. And we didn't really expect it. I'd probably be worried he might have a few too many and be a bit the worse for wear, but I don't understand the concept of the bridal party being on duty for a list of potential jobs the night before a wedding. Our day was up to us to plan. We got a few offers of help to set up the day before but that was a welcome addition, not something we expected.

bee06

I wouldn't mind about being missing the day before but it would be the morning of the wedding that would be a bit annoying if he's getting down to limerick. But talk to him about it, maybe he's planning on leaving early or something.

BettePorter

I'd imagine it all depends on what kind of fella he is with drink / reliability. It would be awful if he spent your wedding day dying a death and impacting on your day. You ve asked him to be best man on the one day you need him to be 100% ..... I think you ve a right to ask him not to go if what u know of him tells you he might be affected by it the next day.

FlickBean

I think it is unreasonable to ask him not to go to the other wedding - especially if he is close to them....

but in saying that it would also be unreasonable of him to let that wedding hamper your special day in anyway, especially as he has such a key role being the best man.

If you are both sound peeps you can come to some agreement so everybody wins! (if not sabotage the other wedding )

JimFin

Its his choice - but, assuming from your post this lad is no pioneer, and assuming its a 3 hour drive together with a need to be there at least an hour or two before the ceremony, has he given any thought to the risk of driving the next day? Would he not need to be leaving Dublin by 8 o'clock?

If he meets a Garda check point and fails the test he'll be absent for the day. Just a thought.
All in all seems a lot of self-inflicted hassle on himself.

Addle

You shouldn't assume anything about him!

Rackstar

He's performing best man duties for you.

You don't own him.

He's an adult and has another wedding to go to.

As many people would like to think, the world does not stop turning on your wedding day or the day before for that matter.

rainbowtrout

Rackstar wrote: »

He's performing best man duties for you.

You don't own him.

He's an adult and has another wedding to go to.

As many people would like to think, the world does not stop turning on your wedding day or the day before for that matter.

Of course it doesn't, but it would be nice to think that if a person makes a commitment to you whether that be a wedding or any other event or occasion, that it would be nice to know that they will follow through on that commitment.

I'd imagine if it was the other way around and if the best man had posted on here saying 'I'm best man for my brother next Saturday but I want to go to a wedding the day before in Dublin, am I being unreasonable?' posts would be asking him if he intended to go drinking all day or if he had any pre wedding duties he had committed to. I doubt they would be saying go on the lash and screw your brother, the world doesn't revolve around him.

Rackstar

rainbowtrout wrote: »

Of course it doesn't, but it would be nice to think that if a person makes a commitment to you whether that be a wedding or any other event or occasion, that it would be nice to know that they will follow through on that commitment.

I'd imagine if it was the other way around and if the best man had posted on here saying 'I'm best man for my brother next Saturday but I want to go to a wedding the day before in Dublin, am I being unreasonable?' posts would be asking him if he intended to go drinking all day or if he had any pre wedding duties he had committed to. I doubt they would be saying go on the lash and screw your brother, the world doesn't revolve around him.

If he can't be trusted then he's not up to the job.

If the brother came on asking, people would say have a couple of drinks - take it easy and slip away and midnight. Get a good nights sleep, up early and get on the road for your brothers wedding.

rainbowtrout

Willie Unkempt Twerp wrote: »

Are we unreasonable in expecting him not to go to this other wedding? Being honest I'm a bit disappointed that he would be missing the day before. That and there is no guarantee what state he might be in the next day and when he might arrive.

Rackstar wrote: »

If he can't be trusted then he's not up to the job.

If the brother came on asking, people would say have a couple of drinks - take it easy and slip away and midnight. Get a good nights sleep, up early and get on the road for your brothers wedding.

Of course they would, that would be the logical suggestion. But going by the OPs post, his brother might not be like that, it probably wasn't something he had to consider when he set the date and asked him to be best man.

Rackstar

rainbowtrout wrote: »

Of course they would, that would be the logical suggestion. But going by the OPs post, his brother might not be like that, it probably wasn't something he had to consider when he set the date and asked him to be best man.

Well if he came on saying, I'm a mad lunatic on the sauce and I can't control my myself once I start and I could go missing for a day or two but I want to go to another wedding the day before I'm supposed to be best man for my bro- I think people would be questioning the choice of this guy as the best man and suggesting he gets help for his drinking.

Of course... It's all hypothetical but people shouldn't be dictating what their best man can or can't do the day before their wedding.

byhookorbycrook

Ah will you cop on, he is not your exclusive property.

Deagol

I thought it was the job of the best man to make sure the groom made it to the wedding, not the other way round

um7y1h83ge06nx

Thanks for the replies. I realise he's not my property and maybe then I am being unreasonable. But at the same time it's a little difficult if I can't be certain if one of the wedding party will turn up and what state he might be in.

As for him, when's he reliable he's reliable but would be well known as a bit of a party animal, and very prone to temptations. For instance some of my friends are expecting the stag to be a crazy affair as he's organising it.

It'll probably be fine and if worst came to worst, the grooms man could step in, it would just be very disappointing. I really need to suss things out with him.

bilbot79

I think it's completely unreasonable for him to go to the other wedding. He is one of the most honoured people at your wedding and you should be his sole priority. Going to the other wedding is disrespectful to you

GalwayGirl26

Are you having a rehearsal/ dinner or anything the night before? If so, mention it to him, but make it clear you are not telling him to do anything, just letting him know.
You are perfectly entitled to ask what his plan is, how he expects to get down the next morning etc., but sure you'd be asking all the bridal party their plans anyway.

byhookorbycrook

My bridesmaid flew in at 11 am for my wedding at 2 pm. Was I fussed??No, because a) I wanted to get married and didn't need her to pander to me and b)because I am a grown up and didn't expect the world to revolve around me.

byhookorbycrook

bilbot79 wrote: »

I think it's completely unreasonable for him to go to the other wedding. He is one of the most honoured people at your wedding and you should be his sole priority. Going to the other wedding is disrespectful to you

AH FFS, bridezilla much:mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad:

Arbiter of Good Taste

byhookorbycrook wrote: »

My bridesmaid flew in at 11 am for my wedding at 2 pm. Was I fussed??No, because a) I wanted to get married and didn't need her to pander to me and b)because I am a grown up and didn't expect the world to revolve around me.

Wow, what's with the snark. It's not like the OP is expects you to be there.

Tarzana2

Addle wrote: »

I think it's unreasonable to put unnecessary demands on his time.
He'll be there for your day.
Why do you think he should be around the day before?

It's his bro so that changes things a bit, IMO, especially if they are close. I loved the few days my immediate family had together before my sister's wedding.

And the state he is in would definitely be a worry too.

And, as rainbowtrout said, timing issues! No, the OP can't tell him what to do but I can understand him being put out. Many grooms will be feeling nervous on the morning of the wedding, and it's nice to have the best man there for support, rather than be worrying that he didn't get on the road early enough and won't make it on time. That's adding to the stress. He's not being a groomzilla, IMO!

BabysCoffee

I think it's unreasonable for you to ask him to skip the wedding.

Tarzana2

Rackstar wrote: »

If the brother came on asking, people would say have a couple of drinks - take it easy and slip away and midnight. Get a good nights sleep, up early and get on the road for your brothers wedding.

If this is what transpires, then there'll be no issues. I guess only the OP can have an idea whether his bro will be worse for wear the next day.

Tarzana2

byhookorbycrook wrote: »

My bridesmaid flew in at 11 am for my wedding at 2 pm. Was I fussed??No, because a) I wanted to get married and didn't need her to pander to me and b)because I am a grown up and didn't expect the world to revolve around me.

Whilst nobody likes a bridezilla or groomzilla, I think it has gone a bit far in that people are unfairly being given these lables or they are at least alluded to.

There's nothing wrong with having one day in your life where you are the centre of attention, and people are fussing over you a bit. It's great that you didn't need that. I don't either. But lots of people enjoy it! And a lot of little things need doing on the morning of weddings. It's not pandering to help out with these!

michellie

bilbot79 wrote: »

I think it's completely unreasonable for him to go to the other wedding. He is one of the most honoured people at your wedding and you should be his sole priority. Going to the other wedding is disrespectful to you

You are messing right?

Toots

please keep it civil, helpful replies only. There's no need to be snarky or start accusing the OP of being a groomzilla.

tinkerbell

I actually don't think you're being unreasonable at all. If he can go to the other wedding and be trusted to take it easy and be up to you in time, then fine, but otherwise he is being unreasonable. You don't need your best man to either turn up late or turn up plastered on the morning of your wedding.

podgemonster

Don't think its unnatural to be feeling what your feeling, the weddings getting close and things are falling into places and the slightest minor hiccup can cause stress.

It would be unreasonable to demand that he doesn't attend the previous wedding. But i think it's reasonable to expect that he's on time, bright eyed and suited for your ceremony. Communication is key, chat to him, maybe he has a plan, that hes coming home early or is off the drink and he is probably oblivious to your feelings on it. The fact that you are brothers and haven't talked about it would suggest you may need too.

Also it always stuns me how vicious this forum gets.

Tarzana2

podgemonster wrote: »

Also it always stuns me how vicious this forum gets.

I know, right? :eek: Very unnecessary.

Faith

I'd absolutely not be happy with that, especially if your best man is known to be a party animal. Many couples have a rehearsal the day before, so that all of the bridal party know where to be and when for the ceremony. Ours was invaluable for making the day run smoothly, and alleviating a lot of the stress of the day. Perhaps you could schedule one for the day before your wedding?

We also provided dinner and drinks for our bridal party after the rehearsal, so that everyone could meet and get to know each other before the day. It really helped break the ice, and it would have been a shame if not everyone could make it.

So there are certainly reasons that you'd need your best man to be around the day/evening beforehand. There's more than one way to skin a cat without looking unreasonable

ash23

Just ask him op. He might be just planning to go to the ceremony and meal and drive home to be there the night before the wedding.
It's not unreasonable to expect him not to go on the lash the night before the wedding. It is unreasonable to expect him to be around the full day before the wedding.

Tarzana2

Faith wrote: »

Perhaps you could schedule one for the day before your wedding?

I wouldn't schedule a rehearsal as a way of stopping him attending the other wedding, it's a bit passive-aggressive. The OP announcing a rehearsal after hearing about his brother wanting to attend another wedding the day before would be a really obvious ploy.

Better to have an open, honest chat with him, OP, ask how he plans to navigate the wedding the day before. Is the wedding of someone close to him? If so, I can see why he wouldn't want to miss it. But you are right to be worried, especially if he is open to persuasion and temptation.

rock22

Willie Unkempt Twerp wrote: »

Quick question.

My brother, our Best Man is thinking of going to another wedding ....
...

Now I have only heard this the last day or two via my mother, handed chatted to him about it, but want to get some opinions before I do.

Have you checked with him? Are you sure what your mother told you is the case?
Seems an awful lot of concern over secondhand information. Maybe your mother got it wrong? Maybe you brother is "thinking" about lots of things but,at the end of the day, will be there for you.

Have you thought of asking him to clarify his intentions?

amdublin

I think it's unreasonable of you to expect him not to go to a wedding the day before yours.

As long as he is there on your day does it matter where he was the day before.

If you are looking for him to do something the day before I am sure there is someone else you could ask to cover that (even yourself?)

Jen44

its a difficult one, i think you cant really expect him not to go but at the same time I would be asking him to take it easy on the booze! He will have people handing him cards with cash etc the next day and that job alone is quite a responsibility

stargazer 68

Jen44 wrote: »

its a difficult one, i think you cant really expect him not to go but at the same time I would be asking him to take it easy on the booze! He will have people handing him cards with cash etc the next day and that job alone is quite a responsibility

I have to agree OP. You are kind of caught between a rock and a hard place! Yes he has agreed to be in your wedding but that's on the day not the day before. However the Best Man is expected to be on top form for the day of the wedding. You really need to talk to him about it.

lazygal

Threads like this are why I keep coming back to the weddings forum.

Barely There

Willie Unkempt Twerp wrote: »

Are we unreasonable in expecting him not to go to this other wedding?

Yes, very much so.

Toots

It's a tough one OP, if the wedding was local then I'd say yes you'd be being unreasonable (providing of course that he would be sensible enough not to get completely scuttered and end up a state the next morning) but seeing as it's quite a distance away I'd feel that's a cause for concern. As plenty of others have already said, you don't want him turning up late/hungover to your wedding. I know a lot of people are harping on about "you don't own him" and stuff like that, but at the end of the day he agreed to be best man and there are responsibilities that come with that ie: minding the rings, most likely being one of the witnesses for the wedding, minding cards/gifts given during the day etc. You don't need the stress on the morning of wondering if/when he's going to rock up and what state he's going to be in. Personally if I was your brother I'd have either declined the invitation to the other wedding, or gone but left after the dinner. You really need to sit down and have a chat with him.

Starokan

I think you might be over thinking this op, your brother will know how important it is for him to be in Limerick on the day of your wedding, he will also know how important the wedding is to you and your family.

I would imagine if he goes to the wedding in Dublin the day before he will have it all well planned out including departure times etc to ensure he arrives bright eyed and bushy tailed for your do. Unless he is the most unreliable person on the planet he wont mess this up on you.

The wedding in Dublin may also be very important to him so I would see no issue in him going to it if need be.

blinding

Best man job on wedding day; Show up,stand up reasonably straight, have a ring, maybe make a speech, have a few drinks; Thanks.

LynnGrace

Best have a chat with him, OP. It would worry me, just from the point of view of him being in a state, hungover, or late, for your wedding.
Plus as others have said, it's nice, I think, for the groom, to have the best man with him, on the morning, of the wedding, if possible.

All the best, and hope you have a great day.

um7y1h83ge06nx

Thanks for the replies everyone.

I was talking to him last night. Just sussed things out, a catch-up.

He mentioned the wedding. He said that his plan is that if he is not needed the day before he might go to the ceremony and meal and drive back after that, no mention of staying over night which was what was concerning me. He then said if there was anything happening the day before ours where he was needed he would skip the other wedding.

He came to that conclusion himself without any comment from me, and I'm completely cool with all that. No problem with that plan at all or if he goes to the other wedding with that plan. My nervousness stemmed from the fact that him and his circle of friends are in the work hard, party harder camp, if he was relying on driving back the next day it could be risky. Plenty of mad stories, some of which made the papers before, accountants are a mad bunch! Us IT geeks are much more sedate.

So all's well that ends well. In the end I didn't need advice I guess, just needed to know what people thought so I could be reasonable if my views and his views were very different and we could compromise.

All in all the wedding is a pretty chilled out affair, we consider the day a great family get together and a bit of craic, having a good day with people close to us matters more than "bling". So delighted that either way we'll be together that morning to have a bit of a laugh, get suited and booted and have a quiet pint before things kick off.

One eyed Jack

I'd say have a chat with him OP, he's probably well aware of his responsibilities and all the rest of it and if he has the organisational skills to prep a stag, I'd say he's already got his head around the logistics of attending his friend's wedding and then getting back down to Limerick in plenty of time for your wedding.

FWIW, it could all depend on how big or small your wedding is too the role your brother will play on the wedding day and the importance of his role as best man. For my own wedding, my wife organised all the details and I literally turned up half an hour before the wedding. I still get the odd joke in about how my wife was late for her own wedding! :P

Best of luck on the day anyway OP and I hope it all works out ok

Toots

Glad it's all sorted OP, best of luck on the big day!

Chemical Byrne

It would be very diva-ish of you to demand he not go. He's a grown adult, like.

What sort of character is he? I would hope in choosing a best man ye'd get someone with a bit of sense and cop on not to go get smashed the night before and turn up (or not) piss durnk or hungover).