Our Best Man thinking of going to another wedding the day before

um7y1h83ge06nx · 23-09-2015 08:09PM #1

Quick question.

My brother, our Best Man is thinking of going to another wedding in Dublin the day before our wedding in Limerick.

Are we unreasonable in expecting him not to go to this other wedding? Being honest I'm a bit disappointed that he would be missing the day before. That and there is no guarantee what state he might be in the next day and when he might arrive.

Now I have only heard this the last day or two via my mother, handed chatted to him about it, but want to get some opinions before I do.

Addle · 23-09-2015 08:14PM

I think it's unreasonable to put unnecessary demands on his time.
He'll be there for your day.
Why do you think he should be around the day before?

solerina · 23-09-2015 08:15PM

If it was me I wouldn't mind in the slightest. I don't think you have right to tell a grown adult that he cannot attend a wedding, even the day before your wedding. I would however ask him not to get too drunk / take it easy so that he would be fresh for your big day !!

CaraMay · 23-09-2015 08:26PM

You would be very unreasonable to ask him not to go.

Afroshack · 23-09-2015 08:33PM

It's definitely unreasonable. He's a grown man, he can do whatever he wants on the day.

rainbowtrout · 23-09-2015 08:34PM

Honestly I don't think you're being unreasonable, and I think lots of things brides and grooms expect are unreasonable.

Of course he is an adult and can do what he likes with his free time, but as one of the immediate wedding party, I suppose if there is anything to be done the night before (bringing stuff to church, hotel) then maybe his help could be needed. And he has made a commitment to being one of the immediate wedding party. And then there is the logistics of it: if he is going to a wedding in Dublin as a guest, is he going all out and going to be drinking all day? Is he staying over? I'd assume he is given the distance. It's at least two hours drive from Dublin to Limerick. He has to allow that time to get back the next day and time to get ready before going to church/registry office. Is your wedding early or late? E.g. if your wedding is at 1pm, and you are at the church before the bride, then he has to take into account being at the church early, getting ready to go, and the drive beforehand? Would he be up and out and on the road to Limerick at say 9 am? Is he going with wife/girlfriend/date and expecting them to be up and on the road too?

Given his role in your wedding and the fact that he is your brother I don't think it's unreasonable to at least be asking what his plans are. I don't think it's groomzilla behaviour to expect that much from him if he's made a commitment to your wedding.

lazygal · 23-09-2015 08:36PM

Our best man didn't do much before the day. And we didn't really expect it. I'd probably be worried he might have a few too many and be a bit the worse for wear, but I don't understand the concept of the bridal party being on duty for a list of potential jobs the night before a wedding. Our day was up to us to plan. We got a few offers of help to set up the day before but that was a welcome addition, not something we expected.

bee06 · 23-09-2015 08:39PM

I wouldn't mind about being missing the day before but it would be the morning of the wedding that would be a bit annoying if he's getting down to limerick. But talk to him about it, maybe he's planning on leaving early or something.

BettePorter · 23-09-2015 08:41PM

I'd imagine it all depends on what kind of fella he is with drink / reliability. It would be awful if he spent your wedding day dying a death and impacting on your day. You ve asked him to be best man on the one day you need him to be 100% ..... I think you ve a right to ask him not to go if what u know of him tells you he might be affected by it the next day.

FlickBean · 23-09-2015 08:46PM

I think it is unreasonable to ask him not to go to the other wedding - especially if he is close to them....

but in saying that it would also be unreasonable of him to let that wedding hamper your special day in anyway, especially as he has such a key role being the best man.

If you are both sound peeps you can come to some agreement so everybody wins! (if not sabotage the other wedding

)

JimFin · 23-09-2015 08:50PM

Its his choice - but, assuming from your post this lad is no pioneer, and assuming its a 3 hour drive together with a need to be there at least an hour or two before the ceremony, has he given any thought to the risk of driving the next day? Would he not need to be leaving Dublin by 8 o'clock?

If he meets a Garda check point and fails the test he'll be absent for the day. Just a thought.
All in all seems a lot of self-inflicted hassle on himself.

Addle · 23-09-2015 08:56PM

You shouldn't assume anything about him!

Rackstar · 23-09-2015 09:13PM

He's performing best man duties for you.

You don't own him.

He's an adult and has another wedding to go to.

As many people would like to think, the world does not stop turning on your wedding day or the day before for that matter.

rainbowtrout · 23-09-2015 09:21PM

Rackstar wrote: »

He's performing best man duties for you.

You don't own him.

He's an adult and has another wedding to go to.

As many people would like to think, the world does not stop turning on your wedding day or the day before for that matter.

Of course it doesn't, but it would be nice to think that if a person makes a commitment to you whether that be a wedding or any other event or occasion, that it would be nice to know that they will follow through on that commitment.

I'd imagine if it was the other way around and if the best man had posted on here saying 'I'm best man for my brother next Saturday but I want to go to a wedding the day before in Dublin, am I being unreasonable?' posts would be asking him if he intended to go drinking all day or if he had any pre wedding duties he had committed to. I doubt they would be saying go on the lash and screw your brother, the world doesn't revolve around him.

Rackstar · 23-09-2015 09:28PM

rainbowtrout wrote: »

Of course it doesn't, but it would be nice to think that if a person makes a commitment to you whether that be a wedding or any other event or occasion, that it would be nice to know that they will follow through on that commitment.

I'd imagine if it was the other way around and if the best man had posted on here saying 'I'm best man for my brother next Saturday but I want to go to a wedding the day before in Dublin, am I being unreasonable?' posts would be asking him if he intended to go drinking all day or if he had any pre wedding duties he had committed to. I doubt they would be saying go on the lash and screw your brother, the world doesn't revolve around him.

If he can't be trusted then he's not up to the job.

If the brother came on asking, people would say have a couple of drinks - take it easy and slip away and midnight. Get a good nights sleep, up early and get on the road for your brothers wedding.

rainbowtrout · 23-09-2015 09:32PM

Willie Unkempt Twerp wrote: »

Are we unreasonable in expecting him not to go to this other wedding? Being honest I'm a bit disappointed that he would be missing the day before. That and there is no guarantee what state he might be in the next day and when he might arrive.

Rackstar wrote: »

If he can't be trusted then he's not up to the job.

If the brother came on asking, people would say have a couple of drinks - take it easy and slip away and midnight. Get a good nights sleep, up early and get on the road for your brothers wedding.

Of course they would, that would be the logical suggestion. But going by the OPs post, his brother might not be like that, it probably wasn't something he had to consider when he set the date and asked him to be best man.

Rackstar · 23-09-2015 09:47PM

rainbowtrout wrote: »

Of course they would, that would be the logical suggestion. But going by the OPs post, his brother might not be like that, it probably wasn't something he had to consider when he set the date and asked him to be best man.

Well if he came on saying, I'm a mad lunatic on the sauce and I can't control my myself once I start and I could go missing for a day or two but I want to go to another wedding the day before I'm supposed to be best man for my bro- I think people would be questioning the choice of this guy as the best man and suggesting he gets help for his drinking.

Of course... It's all hypothetical but people shouldn't be dictating what their best man can or can't do the day before their wedding.

byhookorbycrook · 23-09-2015 09:50PM

Ah will you cop on, he is not your exclusive property.

Deagol · 23-09-2015 10:01PM

I thought it was the job of the best man to make sure the groom made it to the wedding, not the other way round

um7y1h83ge06nx · 23-09-2015 10:02PM

Thanks for the replies. I realise he's not my property and maybe then I am being unreasonable. But at the same time it's a little difficult if I can't be certain if one of the wedding party will turn up and what state he might be in.

As for him, when's he reliable he's reliable but would be well known as a bit of a party animal, and very prone to temptations. For instance some of my friends are expecting the stag to be a crazy affair as he's organising it.

It'll probably be fine and if worst came to worst, the grooms man could step in, it would just be very disappointing. I really need to suss things out with him.

bilbot79 · 23-09-2015 10:06PM

I think it's completely unreasonable for him to go to the other wedding. He is one of the most honoured people at your wedding and you should be his sole priority. Going to the other wedding is disrespectful to you

GalwayGirl26 · 23-09-2015 10:21PM

Are you having a rehearsal/ dinner or anything the night before? If so, mention it to him, but make it clear you are not telling him to do anything, just letting him know.
You are perfectly entitled to ask what his plan is, how he expects to get down the next morning etc., but sure you'd be asking all the bridal party their plans anyway.

byhookorbycrook · 23-09-2015 10:31PM

My bridesmaid flew in at 11 am for my wedding at 2 pm. Was I fussed??No, because a) I wanted to get married and didn't need her to pander to me and b)because I am a grown up and didn't expect the world to revolve around me.

byhookorbycrook · 23-09-2015 10:34PM

bilbot79 wrote: »

I think it's completely unreasonable for him to go to the other wedding. He is one of the most honoured people at your wedding and you should be his sole priority. Going to the other wedding is disrespectful to you

AH FFS, bridezilla much:mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad:

Arbiter of Good Taste · 23-09-2015 10:56PM

byhookorbycrook wrote: »

My bridesmaid flew in at 11 am for my wedding at 2 pm. Was I fussed??No, because a) I wanted to get married and didn't need her to pander to me and b)because I am a grown up and didn't expect the world to revolve around me.

Wow, what's with the snark. It's not like the OP is expects you to be there.

Tarzana2 · 23-09-2015 10:57PM

Addle wrote: »

I think it's unreasonable to put unnecessary demands on his time.
He'll be there for your day.
Why do you think he should be around the day before?

It's his bro so that changes things a bit, IMO, especially if they are close. I loved the few days my immediate family had together before my sister's wedding.

And the state he is in would definitely be a worry too.

And, as rainbowtrout said, timing issues! No, the OP can't tell him what to do but I can understand him being put out. Many grooms will be feeling nervous on the morning of the wedding, and it's nice to have the best man there for support, rather than be worrying that he didn't get on the road early enough and won't make it on time. That's adding to the stress. He's not being a groomzilla, IMO!

BabysCoffee · 23-09-2015 11:14PM

I think it's unreasonable for you to ask him to skip the wedding.

Tarzana2 · 23-09-2015 11:15PM

Rackstar wrote: »

If the brother came on asking, people would say have a couple of drinks - take it easy and slip away and midnight. Get a good nights sleep, up early and get on the road for your brothers wedding.

If this is what transpires, then there'll be no issues. I guess only the OP can have an idea whether his bro will be worse for wear the next day.

Tarzana2 · 23-09-2015 11:24PM

byhookorbycrook wrote: »

My bridesmaid flew in at 11 am for my wedding at 2 pm. Was I fussed??No, because a) I wanted to get married and didn't need her to pander to me and b)because I am a grown up and didn't expect the world to revolve around me.

Whilst nobody likes a bridezilla or groomzilla, I think it has gone a bit far in that people are unfairly being given these lables or they are at least alluded to.

There's nothing wrong with having one day in your life where you are the centre of attention, and people are fussing over you a bit. It's great that you didn't need that. I don't either. But lots of people enjoy it! And a lot of little things need doing on the morning of weddings. It's not pandering to help out with these!

michellie · 23-09-2015 11:25PM

bilbot79 wrote: »

I think it's completely unreasonable for him to go to the other wedding. He is one of the most honoured people at your wedding and you should be his sole priority. Going to the other wedding is disrespectful to you

You are messing right?

Toots · 23-09-2015 11:39PM

please keep it civil, helpful replies only. There's no need to be snarky or start accusing the OP of being a groomzilla.

Our Best Man thinking of going to another wedding the day before

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